Original subtitles

Engineering has a rich and storied history

dating back to ancient times.

Some consider it the single most important field of study.

Okay... Stop!

I'm sorry, Howard. [Can't do this.

You asked me to write you an introduction to engineering.

Yes. And if I wanted a comedy routine,

I'd have gone to Billy crystal.

Just let me read it.

Engineering has a rich and storied history

dating back to ancient times.

Some consider it the single most important field of study known to man.

From the wheel to the international space station,

which I went to.

Honestly, this again?

Like we don't hear about your nobel prize all the time.

It's not my fault people ask about it.

Because you're always wearing it.

You have it on right now.

Look how shiny it is.

Just tell your story.

My own history with engineering

began spring semester of my freshman year.

Good morning.

I'm professor boucher and this is civil engineering lab.

Class begins at 0900, which is...

Now.

In this course, we're going to apply

the principles of static mechanical forces...

I'm in this class.

This class started at 0900,

so no, you're not.

As I was saying...

Yes?

I appreciate your use of the 24-hour time format.

Were you aware that while often referred to as military time,

it actually dates back to the Egyptians?

I'm aware that the class is now starting at 0901.

Is it all right with you if I begin?

Please.

One minute in and I was already his favorite.

This course is about practical applications.

This isn't about fancy theories or what works in a classroom.

If a tunnel collapses,

the only math that's gonna matter is the body count.

- You. - Sheldon Cooper.

Son, I'll learn your name if you make it to mid-terms.

Right now, you're just a number to me.

Ooh! Can I be number one?

That's what captain picard calls commander riker

on Star Trek: Next generation.

You need to listen more and talk less.

Is that clear?

Number one.

Aye, captain.

- Ballard's. - Hello?

Hey, what's up?

Oh, nothing. I just called to say hello.

Yeah, I don't think I've done that in my entire life.

Do you want me to hang up?

No. Uh-uh.

What happens next?

Wait, hang on. I got another call.

All right, fine. Yeah, sure. I can wait.

- Hello? - Hey, Connie. June.

Hi, June, what's going on?

I know you have a hair appointment this afternoon,

but I'm going to have to cancel.

Everything okay?

No, I busted my knee up pretty good.

Oh. Does Dale know?

I... I'm on the other line with him.

No, not yet. Yeah, you can tell him.

Okay, hang on.

- Hello? - I'm so sorry.

Who's this? It's been so long.

I'm on the phone with June. She hurt her knee.

- How? - Well, hold on.

How'd you hurt it?

Ah, it's so embarrassing.

I slipped on a glob of hair gel at the salon.

Wait a minute.

She slipped on a glob of hair gel at the salon.

Oh! Nice.

Well, that was worth the wait.

And then at exactly nine o'clock,

he looked the doors and wouldn't let any latecomers in.

That seems a little harsh.

He's so intolerant. It's fantastic.

He also wears a bow tie.

And instead of using my name, he gave me a number.

I don't think I like that, either.

No, it's great. It's like we're robots.

And guess what my number is.

Number two?

No, number one, like riker on Star Trek.

But number two is also good. Like the pencil.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed your class.

For our first assignment, we get to build a bridge.

Professor boucher was part of the army corps of engineers,

and he built Bridges all over the world.

You know, I was also in the army.

Ooh, perhaps you trudged across one of his Bridges.

How neat would that be?

I bet dad did cool army stuff, too.

Nope. Trudging sums it up.

See, number one is also pretty funny,

because it means taking a leak.

Come in.

If you're a robber, I got a shotgun.

It's Connie and Dale, don't shoot.

Oh, hey!

Y'all didn't have to come by.

We just wanted to see how you're doing.

Yeah. We brought your favorite ice cream.

Butter pecan?

What's your second favorite?

I'll put this away.

So how's it going?

Do you have anybody to help you out?

Oh, yeah.

These little guys.

Elvis was onto something.

Till he keeled over on the toilet.

He was the king.

That was his throne.

Seriously, now, though. If you need anything at all, we are here for you.

That's right.

One hundred percent.

Would you stop?

I was being sincere.

Well, that's for the next dumb thing you say.

- Or you just quit hitting me. - Well, quit being stupid!

For your design assignment,

you may decide between suspension Bridges,

truss Bridges, beam Bridges, just not... Beau Bridges.

And people say engineers don't have a sense of humor.

- Yes? - What are Beau Bridges?

That's all for today.

Your initial designs are due next week.

I finished my design assignment early.

I admire that initiative.

Thank you. I stayed up late to finish it.

My normal bedtime is 2100 hours,

but I was so excited to do it that I took a power nap

in my meemaw's back seat on the drive home.

You'll need to do this again.

It's wrong.

No, it's not.

Son, I'm giving you another chance before it's due.

What's wrong with it?

That's your job to figure out.

I would argue that it's your job to teach me.

Let's see.

Well, to start, this bridge is in pieces.

What do you mean?

Well, two can play at this game.

Well, now they can't.

And then he ripped up my paper right in front of me.

What is this man's problem?

I don't know. He didn't even use a ruler.

He just ripped it up, Willy nilly.

Do you want me to call the school?

No, he was in the army.

I want him to think I'm tough.

Sure.

Well, I'm sorry you had a bad day.

How about a little trip to radio shack?

Radio shack's not gonna make this better.

It's also not going to make it worse so, okay.

You got it.

Maybe he was just intimidated by my intelligence.

Or maybe he's an insecure bully

taking out his frustrations on a little boy.

I like my version better

where I'm intimidating and not a helpless child.

Okay.

He's taken out his frustrations on a powerful

and intimidating young man.

That works.

Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Hey, baby!

Ballard's.

It's me. Any chance you could swing by?

What do you need?

Well, the recliner won't go down.

I'm stuck in this chair like a damn fool.

Well, that is a situation.

How long you been stuck?

Are you going to help me out or not?

Well, just give me a moment to enjoy it.

Get your ass over here and you can laugh at me in person.

I'm on my way.

Thank you.

Gonna grab my camera.

You know it's bleak when even a trip

to radio shack couldn't lift my spirits.

Professor proton will be right back after these messages.

Of course.

I realized professor boucher was pushing me

to be the best me I could be.

You'd think the person who could teach me

to be the best me I could be was me.

But it was professor boucher,

after the army taught him to be the best he that he could be.

Now it was up to me to help us be the best "we" we could be.

I think you're going to like this one, sir.

Do it again.

Yes, sir, sir.

Here you go.

Again.

Yes, sir, sir.

Oh, at least use a straight edge.

You wanted to see me, ma'am?

Ah, professor boucher, please come in. Have a seat.

I'd prefer to stand.

Oh. All right. Ah, then I will also stand.

You know, these are really not standing shoes,

so I'm just going to sit.

I was hoping that we could have a little chat about Sheldon Cooper.

I'll start.

Sheldon is a very important asset to this university,

and we'd like to keep that little fella happy.

But it seems that your teaching methods are making him unhappy. You understand?

Yes, ma'am. I do.

Great.

You'd like me to turn his frown upside down.

You know, when you say it, it sounds more... chilling than fun.

I'm just saying that he's a sensitive kid.

And you are...

Well, whatever this vibe is.

I understand.

Excellent. So you'll take it easy on him.

No, I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't do that.

You see, uh...

All these "ma'am's" they sound polite,

but then I don't seem to be getting anywhere.

Well, that's because you're not.

You do realize that I'm your boss.

Yes, ma'am, I do. And do you realize that I have tenure?

Ugh! Tenure.

What fun is it being president if I can't threaten people's jobs?

May I get back to class now?

Oh, fine. Fall off, or whatever it is.

It's "dismissed," ma'am.

Just go.

I heard that giggle.

Okay, soup's on.

Wow, looks good.

Are you okay?

Well, I tweaked my back.

- Oh, how? - I was helping June out.

Well, aren't you sweet?

What'd she have you doing for her?

Yeah, this and that.

"This and that" what?

Yeah. This and that and the other thing.

Do you not want to tell me?

Well, for the sake of honesty, and because she might tell you,

I was helping her take a shower.

You took a shower with her?

She took the shower.

I was just assisting.

So, she was naked?

For crying out loud. We were married. I've seen her naked a million times.

You think that is helping?

I knew I shouldn't have been honest.

You shouldn't have been playing bathroom attendant.

There was nothing sexy about it.

It was like washing a car.

- A rusty old car. - Did you scrub her windshield?

- What does that even mean? - Her boobs, genius.

I was helping her in the shower so she didn't fall down.

Well, fine.

And boobs are headlights.

Everybody knows that.

What are you doing?

Watching Sheldon struggle with homework.

It's so great.

Come on, think!

What's going on?

I can't figure out this engineering project,

and every time I turn it in, my professorjust rips it up.

Well, ain't this the fella you liked?

I did when I thought he was pushing me to be all I could be.

But it turns out all he can be is mean.

I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Could you talk to him?

You're in college now.

Don't you think you should fight your own battles?

Does telling on him to the president of the university count?

Did it work?

- No. - Then, no.

Will you please talk to him?

Ooh. What if your mom does it?

But you were both in the army. And you're both crabby and impatient.

There's a lot of common ground.

You really got under this guy's skin, huh?

It would seem so.

A lot of common ground.

- Hello. - Hey, June.

Connie. Just wanted to see if you need anything.

I'm good, but thank you, though.

You sure?

Groceries, dishes...

Help in the shower.

Damn it, Dale.

I'm sorry. I'm just not comfortable with it.

You think I am?

Last time he saw me naked,

gravity was on my side.

Then why'd you ask him to do it?

Who else am I gonna ask, Connie?

You got tons of friends.

I've got acquaintances, I've got clients.

Those aren't exactly people you want looking at your hernia scar.

And Dale is?

I got that hernia by dragging him onto the bed one night.

He came in, passed out drunk.

Look, I'm sorry if I crossed the line, but you have nothing to worry about.

Okay.

Look, I promise, next time I'll get the kid who mows my lawn

to come over and hose me off in the backyard.

Call me.

I'll be happy to hose you off in the backyard.

- Gotta admit, I'm a little jealous. - Of what?

- You. - Why?

You have the Dale I never got.

I spent a lot of time polishing that turd,

and you get all the benefits.

Hey, I put my time in on that, too.

Not as much as me.

When I met him, he was a mess.

You should've seen where I started.

Well, I think we can both agree he is one lucky turd.

Amen, sister.

So, let me guess.

You think I'm being too hard on him and you want me to lighten up?

He is having a tough time.

It's a tough class.

Look, I get it.

I was in the army, too.

I'm all for being strict, but he doesn't even know where he's going wrong.

You know, maybe you could just point him in the right direction.

You mean give him the answer?

No. No.

Would you?

What do you think?

I didn't give you the answer and you figured it out.

Look, your son is obviously brilliant,

but coddling him won't prepare him for the real world.

I've been saying that since the day he was born.

Sometimes you have to break them down to build them back up.

I do that with my football players. At least I tried to.

And then the parents get all bent out of shape.

- They come into my office... - You don't say.

You wouldn't believe... oh.

You mean me. Got it.

You figured it out again.

Hey, I'm two for two.

Hey.

Did you talk to my teacher?

I did.

So is he going to tell me what I'm doing wrong?

I'm going to.

You're sitting here waiting to be handed the answer,

and that's not how life is.

You've got to work for it.

I don't wanna hear football pep talk.

Hey! This isn't football. This is real.

Your professor's right.

Now, instead of pouting, take charge of your own life.

My dad was right. I had to take charge.

And after 20 more minutes of pouting, that's exactly what I did.

But despite my best efforts,

I was still no closer to figuring it out.

I was going to have to see my work be torn to pieces one more time.

Of course!

I'd been so focused on mathematical perfection

that I hadn't taken into account real world elements.

Wind can trigger vibrations.

If these vibrations occurred at a system's resonant frequency,

then oscillation generates excitation

and a bridge can lose its structural integrity.

Okay, I'm a genius again.

I couldn't wait to hand in my paper

and see the proud look on professor boucher's...

No! I figured it out!

It's wind! It's wind!

I hate engineering.

Wait. So after all this time,

that's your problem with engineering?

Evidently.

So, all the teasing and all the abuse

had nothing to do with me.

I'll admit, at first, I had a chip

on my shoulder because of that class.

But then it was mostly you.

Unbelievable. When will I learn?

Lcould give you that answer.

But if you figure it out for yourself, it'll mean so much more.

Goodbye, Sheldon.

Bye.

You wanted to see me, ma'am?

Professor.

I understand you looked Sheldon out of class.

Well, he was late. That's my policy.

I need you to do me a favor.

Yes?

Tell me exactly what his face looked like when it happened.

- Hmm? Seriously? - Paint me a picture.

I want to feel like I was the one who closed that door.

I'm going to sit for this.

Okay, so he approached the door with that smug look he has.

Ugh. I know it well.

Then when he realized he was locked,

his face fell into shock and disbelief.

Nice. Show me. Do the face.

Oh, sir, you have turned my frown upside down.

You are welcome, ma'am.