Original subtitles

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(upbeat guitar music)

♪ Baby, you are my man ♪

♪ Treasure me, pleasure me all night long ♪

♪ Baby, I know you can ♪

♪ Shiver me, quiver me oh so strong ♪

♪ Take me away to the sky ♪

♪ Make me your woman and see how we fly ♪

♪ Fly me high ♪

♪ Fly me high high high ♪

♪ Ooh, lalala, lalala ♪

♪ Shake me up, take me up high in the sky ♪

♪ And fly me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, lala la, la la la, I got the notion ♪

♪ So set me in motion, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, lala la, la la la, higher and higher ♪

♪ You know what will satisfy me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, lalala, lalala ♪

♪ I've got a faraway look in my eye ♪

♪ Look in my eye and fly me ♪

♪ Fly me now ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la, shake me up, take me up ♪

♪ High in the sky and fly me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ I've got a faraway look in my eye ♪

♪ Look in my eye and fly me ♪

♪ Fly me, now ♪

(engines revving)

(horn beeping)

(horns honking)

Well, good day to you, Senor Praydays.

Prades.

Prades? Really?

Tricky lingo, isn't it? Prades, I'll try and remember that.

Thank you very much for your help and cooperation.

It is a pleasure to do business

with you, Senor Sir de Courcy.

Sir Percy, that's the form, old boy. Call me Sir Percy.

Sir Percy? Oh, you are too kind.

Such familiarity. Please call me Antonio.

Antonio Jose Maria y Garcia Fendande Depors Prades,

entirely at your service, anytime, old boy.

Ha ha.

Hello, Sir Percy. Good morning, Sir Percy.

How are you today, old boy?

(light flute music)

(royal music)

Oh. Mm-mm.

(royal music)

Thank you, Perkins.

(speaking Spanish)

Ah, what ho, Domingo? How are you?

(speaking Spanish)

Sorry to hear that.

Well, Perkins, today we are celebrating.

Would you care for a drink?

That's very kind of you, sir.

On second thought, you better not. You're driving.

(lighter clicking)

Very good, sir.

Thank you.

Today I have negotiated a loan with our new bank.

To pay back the old bank, sir?

Nothing as naive as that.

I'm sorry, sir.

Times are bad, and as much as I hate trade,

I reluctantly decided to go into business.

Oh no, sir, not again.

Yes, I've had a brilliant idea. A safe and sound idea.

I've studied it from every single point,

and it simply cannot fail.

Mm.

Did you say something, Perkins?

May I be so bold as to ask, sir,

what this idea of yours is?

Yes, it's based on the principal buy very, very cheap,

sell very, very dear.

Well the principal is very good, sir,

but just what are you buying?

Wine. Cheap, local wine at nothing a gallon.

I bought 10,000 gallons of it.

Oh, sir, now you really have done it this time.

Why didn't you consult me first, sir?

The local wine's so bad even the locals won't drink it.

Unless they're drunk already.

They do say, sir, that Nelson used to drink it

and that's how he came to lose his eye (chuckles).

But, um, how do you propose to sell it, sir?

Oh, easy.

With the right amount of snobbery attached,

people will buy anything, especially the English.

So we'll give our little local wine

an impressive, French-sounding name, a distinguished label,

a good vintage of course, and, Perkins, we will sell it

at a vast profit to some rich, silly sucker.

You've been overdoing it, old chap.

I have not been overdoing it.

Ask Janet.

How is Janet? Still working as hard as ever?

She's a real dynamo, that woman.

She certainly is.

Unfortunately, she doesn't light me up anymore.

You've been married quite a few years, you know.

How long is it?

14 years, three and a half months.

Mike, old chap, you can't expect to keep up

the pace all your life, you know.

Things start to slow down.

Think about quality and not just quantity.

Once or twice a week is enough for a chap your age.

Once, twice a week, I'd be grateful for.

I can't manage once or twice a month.

(chuckles) Oh, come along, Mike.

You ask Janet.

Once or twice a month?

With those little dolly birds you work with?

Hm.

Modelling those sexy undies for Janet,

and you're the boss, oh ho ho.

Am I the boss?

You must get more opportunities in a week

than most men get in a lifetime.

Opportunities, yes, I mean tomorrow I'll be

in Menorca with four lovely model girls.

And only one Spanish photographer as competition.

But it's no use having the opportunities

if you can't grasp them, so to speak.

Look, you must try to relax.

Stop worrying about Janet and what Janet thinks.

That's easily said, isn't it?

Develop a sense of humour. Laugh about it.

I don't find being impotent terribly funny.

Well, that'll be 50 guineas,

or 35 if you happen to have the cash.

No?

No.

I'll send you the bill.

Thank you.

Have fun in Menorca. Wish I were coming.

Lucky chap, goodbye.

Bye.

Keep taking the tablets.

(light upbeat music)

(royal music)

[Percy] Here we are, Perkins.

10,000 gallons of liquid gold.

I wish it was liquid gold.

You should have tried it, sir, before you bought it.

I couldn't, Perkins. I can't bear the taste of wine.

It gets on my gap.

Here we are, Chateau Neuf du Fountainrue, 1964.

Sounds like French.

French and very expensive.

We ought to be able to sell it for five pounds a bottle.

Till we get caught.

Don't keep moaning, Perkins. Caught for what?

We don't say that it's French.

Tell me, where does it say there that it's French?

Well, it doesn't actually say so, sir.

I mean not exactly.

Perkins, you're so squeamish.

You ought to have been through public school.

They would have knocked all that codswaddle out of you.

You're a pessimist, a defeatist,

and a doubting Thomas as well.

I'm very disappointed in you, Perkins.

You are an absolute shower.

Don't you think we ought to at least

try out a few bottles, sir.

Sampling the market, I believe they call it.

Now that's a marvellous idea.

You're talking constructively. Splendid idea.

Get a case. We'll go and try it out on Domingo, eh?

And that other revolting character up the road.

- Oh no, sir, no, not him. You couldn't do that, sir.

No, but you could.

(plane engine humming)

Mr. Scott?

Yes, you must be Juan, huh?

Yes, sir. Good trip?

Not really. Too many children.

I must arrange my flight back.

So soon?

Tomorrow. Where's the ticket office, Juan?

Firstly, the girls.

The girls? Oh, the girls, yes, of course, yes.

But I must get my flight booked.

It's terribly important.

Girls. Senor Scott, this is Francesca.

She will help me make beautiful pictures for you.

Oh, how do you do?

I do very well, thank you.

Do you really?

Yes.

Hm, yeah, well now that flight, huh?

Annette.

(light music)

Mr. Scott.

Annette, nice to meet you.

(speaking French)

I am French, but I love the English.

Oh, well, thank God somebody does, hm?

Now I really must arrange my...

And Bruce. Bruce?

Bruce? Bruce?

What, a male model?

Well what do you think?

[Mike] I think I could be wrong.

Glad to meet you, Mike.

An Australian.

Spot on. If you're the boss, I'm yours, mate.

Are you really?

Every little bit of me.

Well that's splendid.

Now I really must fix my flight back for tomorrow.

Or, maybe the day after.

And Julie, where is she?

Julie?

Oh.

Is she all mine as well?

(soft music)

Senor Scott.

(both chuckling)

Juan tells me you have some lovely things for us to wear.

Oh, lovely, I can't wait, to show them to you.

Anytime, Mike, day or night.

Oh, you must be a very hard worker.

(Julie laughing)

Now, about your flight, sir.

Flight, hm? We won't bother about that now.

We'll talk about it later, hm?

How about a nice drink?

- Yes. - Great.

Drink?

[Annette] Do you speak French, Monsieur?

No, I find English quite difficult enough.

[Annette] Are you staying in the same hotel as us?

Well, I hope so.

(group chattering)

(light music)

(soft music)

- Buenos noches, Sir Percy. Nice to see you again so soon.

Hello, Domingo. I shan't need the gin today.

Just a wineglass. The nicest wineglass you have.

Wineglass? For you?

Rather. Make it two.

Well come on, Domingo, don't hang around.

Y-yes, sir.

(Domingo speaking Spanish)

Ah, just one moment, Perkins. Yes.

(wine pouring)

Thank you, Perkins, that'll be all.

Very good, sir.

Good.

God.

It's good.

(women laughing)

(light music)

Now it's your turn. I mean, you try some, Domingo.

Oh, this is very kind of you, Sir Percy.

Not at all. Nothing like chateau bottle French wine.

Might just be able to let you have a few cases

at a very reasonable price.

If it is so good, I would happy to take some

in payment of your account, Sir Percy.

Really, hasn't Perkins paid you? He is naughty.

No mind, salud.

Cheers, Sir Percy.

- Cheers. - Salud.

(Domingo swallowing)

(Domingo coughing)

Isn't it marvellous?

Superbo, you might say.

(Domingo gasping)

Have some more.

What did you say?

No, thank you.

I'll bet you've never tasted anything like this before.

That's the truth, sir.

Maybe I might be able to let you have two or three

dozen cases at a very reasonable price.

Shall we say 1,000 pesetas a case?

No thank you. I couldn't accept such a big favour.

Oh nonsense, I absolutely insist.

Meantime, do you think I might have a gin and tonic?

Sure.

(man shouting)

(crowd chattering in Spanish)

What's he saying, Perkins?

He's saying, sir, mother of God,

I am murdered, poisoned and assassinated.

Maria, mother of my bed, wife of my children,

fetch it please quickly, I die.

Poisoned, and in my own bar, by a foreign devil

who tempts me with sweet words.

I hope the priest arrives quickly before I die.

Didn't he like the wine?

Not madly, sir.

(group chattering in Spanish)

Don't leave your poison here. Take it with you!

(glass smashing)

(car backfiring)

(man shouting in Spanish)

(crowd chattering in Spanish)

(dramatic music)

(group shouting in Spanish)

I don't believe it. I really do not believe it.

Horsy de Courcy.

Scottie, Scottie, tiddlywink champion of the junior house.

None other.

♪ We are the boys that make their noise ♪

♪ Oh, ah, oh ah ah ♪

Horsy de Courcy, old gin and tonic himself.

What's all this?

You haven't taken to drinking wine, have you?

No, a little professional wine tasting with Domingo here.

Yes, Sir Percy.

Domingo, a large gin and tonic for my friend

and a large brandy and soda for me.

Immediately, sir.

How lovely. Do sit down.

Thanks, Horsy. What on Earth are you doing here?

I live here.

No.

Course I might ask you what you're doing here,

but I'm too much of a gentleman.

Does Janet know you're here?

Of course she does. I'm on business.

I say, what a nice business.

I thought you were in public relations.

No, not for years.

Janet and I have our own firm. She designs, I sell.

You wouldn't like to sell that, would you?

No ho ho.

Well how about me introducing me?

Yes, all right.

Really?

Julie, come meet an old enemy of mine.

(Percy chuckling)

Percy and I were at school together.

He's a lot older, of course.

Only a teeny bit.

Sir Percy de Courcy.

Charmed.

Sir Percy? Did you do something famous?

- No, no, his father died. Well, they say he died.

Was he pushed?

He's always on. He's joking, you know.

Do come and sit down.

(crowd chattering in Spanish)

(dog barking)

(women shouting)

Well, what would you like to drink?

Just a little wine, thank you.

I have to watch my figure.

Yeah, don't we all.

- Nonsense, you look divine. Domingo, oh, there you are.

Take those, will you. Bring me another wineglass, Domingo.

Tell me, what are you doing here in Menorca?

Well, I'm a model.

We're photographing our new collection,

Janet Scott Underwear, for girls to put on

and men to take off.

Do you mean frilly black nighties and that sort of stuff?

[Mike] Yeah, I thought that would get you going, Horsy.

Splendid, I'll certainly drink to that. Cheers.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

(gentle music)

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Cat piss, ugh.

I'm so sorry. Must be a bad bottle.

Oh no, look at my dress.

Here, let, let, let me help you.

Oh yeah, it's not cats. It's dogs.

Nonsense. This is just a corked bottle.

There's nothing wrong with this wine.

Wine? This has never been near a grape.

You're rubbing a hole in my dress, Sir Percy.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't worry. I will rinse it out in the hotel.

Yes, I'll give you a hand.

I think it's time we were going.

I really am sorry about your dress, Julie.

Perhaps I could invite you to dinner to make amends.

Mm.

That would be very nice, Sir Percy.

And, Scottie, we must meet again.

I may have a very interesting proposition for you.

I'm sure, but we're gonna be very busy

during the short time we're here.

I can imagine.

Come on, Julie.

Goodbye.

Come on, girls, we're ready.

Thanks for the drink, Horsy.

Good night, sir.

Goodbye.

(women laughing)

[Mike] Come on, girls.

How did you get on, sir?

All right, I think I found a customer.

Rich as creases, at least his wife is.

But we have a problem with the wine.

Problem, sir?

We'll have to make it taste better.

How do we make it taste better, sir?

I don't know, but you'll think of something.

Boil it or something. It really was ghastly.

What did she call it? Cat's piss.

Must been through a very expensive school.

(horn beeping)

(vehicle passing)

(guests murmuring)

I expect the porter's gone on holiday.

Bet he's gone to Brighton.

(phone ringing)

There.

Mm.

Ah, yes.

Oh, hello.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Juan. I...

That's perfectly all right. Come on in.

They told me this was my room.

Oh, they didn't explain to you?

What?

We have to share.

Share what?

The room.

The room? But there's only one bed.

Si, Senor.

No, Senor.

What's through here?

(light music)

Oh, hi, Mike.

Hi, yes, good evening.

Pass us the soap, will you?

The soap?

Oh, yes, of course. There we are.

Thanks, mate.

(water running)

Why don't you ask me to wash your back?

Wash my back?

Hm? Now, say please.

Please.

That's all right.

(water running)

Ooh, that's lovely.

How's that, all right?

Oh, it's great.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Yes, there is?

What?

Pass me the towel.

The towel, yes, of course.

(light music)

There we are.

(light music)

Whoa, whoa.

Thank you. So, come into our room.

Yes, nice. Fascinating idea.

Oh, thank you.

[Julie] Hey, Mike.

Julie.

Did you come to show us the clothes?

No, I came in search of a room actually. Thank you.

Oh, do you not want to sleep with Juan?

Strangely enough, no.

Why not?

I'm just funny that way.

Oh. You want to move in with us?

That's a much better idea.

Very friendly. Why didn't I think of that?

You could move in here with one of us. And?

One of you could move in there, with um...

It's okay by me.

(Mike giggling)

But which one of you?

- What are you talking about? Share a room with a girl?

What would my mother say?

Does your mother have to know?

I never deceive my mother.

[Mike] Really?

[Juan] I tell her everything.

Incredible.

But, if I'm so unpleasant to you, Mr. Scott, don't worry.

I'll sleep on the balcony.

(light music)

What's that?

(cork popping)

I thought I heard a cork.

(Mike giggling)

Champagne? How lovely.

Isn't that kind of Juan.

- Salud. - Salud.

- Cheers. - Salud.

- Cheers. - Cheers, cheers.

So you're old mates again?

[Juan] Of course we are. Aren't we, Mike?

[Mike] Yes, no trouble at all. No trouble at all.

[Juan] Sit down, Bruce.

[Julie] Thanks.

[Juan] It's nice here, isn't it?

So what has been decided?

Just a straightforward swap.

A swap?

Yeah, you girls take the double bed,

and we take the singles.

Pity.

For the time being.

We're bound to bump into each other in the bathroom.

Of course.

Oh, it looks marvellous, beautiful.

[Mike] Yes.

(orchestral music)

(Isabel shrieking)

Please off with the barbecue and grind these up for me.

What have you got?

Herbs, what for?

Well I'm trying to improve the taste of this wine.

I've just been round the garden picking up bits

of anything with a strong enough smell.

Now let's see, what have we got?

Parsley, stewed prunes, molasses.

Have we got any curry powder?

You would not put curry powder into wine, would you?

Why not?

I'll try anything.

A desperate situation calls for desperate measures.

Oh.

What's up?

God, it's worse than before.

There is a lot of flies on those leaves.

Flies? They won't do any harm.

But I've squashed them.

Good, go on, grind them up. Good riddance.

Mr. Perkins, I think you make fun with me.

Not at all.

Something I would like to do with you, though.

Let's see.

What shall I call this one?

Well, I think I'll just call it herbs, and flies.

That'll remind me not to try it.

Now, where was 1?

- Oh. - No, Mr. Perkins.

(both laughing)

(soft music)

Yes, over here.

Thank you.

Now try these, I think the colour might suit you.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, no.

Want some?

Come on.

How about these?

(group murmuring)

(soft music)

That's okay. May I help you?

(Bruce laughing)

Very good. Very good.

(soft music)

Yes, very good. Excellent.

(soft music)

Yes, I think we're doing well, girls.

Yes, really very well.

(soft music)

Lovely. Let me look at you.

What a picture.

Woman and her dressing table.

Renoir would have painted this scene, you know.

Manet, Monet, Degas.

How they'd have loved to stand where I'm standing

and watch, what I'm watching.

Please don't move.

If only I could paint.

Did you come in here to paint me?

You know, you really are incredibly beautiful.

Uh, Mike, you're wanted on the telephone in our room.

Somebody called Janet. She sounded like a wife.

She is a wife, mine. Excuse me.

Hello, Janet?

Mike, where have you been?

First, I get a hold of a poofy receptionist,

and then an hysterical Spaniard,

and finally someone called Bruce who sounded like a girl.

(phone ringing)

Just a minute.

(phone ringing)

Janet Scott.

Knickers? How many?

1,000 pairs a week. Next week, impossible.

The week after I can do. Confirm that in writing.

Mike?

Mm-hm, darling.

You know I don't like to be kept waiting.

And phoning Spain is expensive.

How's it been going?

Well.

[Janet] When are you coming back?

It's all going very well, darling.

I'm trying to get back tomorrow.

- What do you mean trying? What's stopping you?

Well, nothing at the moment.

Well mind nothing does.

Of course, darling.

Something very funny happened the other day.

I want you back here with the first pictures.

There's a lot to do.

Yes, yes, there's a lot to do here too, my darling.

[Janet] Now Mike?

Hm?

[Janet] Keep taking the tablets.

Yeah, yes.

[Janet] See you tomorrow then. Bye.

Yeah, goodbye.

Darling.

(soft music)

See you later, Mike.

(engine revving)

(water lapping)

Senor Mike, you like that?

I like it very much, Juan,

but I do wish you'd photograph it.

I have to take these first rolls back to London to my wife.

Of course.

(upbeat music on radio)

She's going to be so pleased.

Well, that'd be a change.

Mike, do you have to go back today?

I'll be in dead trouble if I don't.

(upbeat music)

(shutter clicking)

(upbeat music)

(light music)

Perkins?

Perkins?

Perkins?

Oh, oh, there you are.

Time for my drink, Perkins. The sun is over the yardarm.

It isn't really, but I'm sure nobody's counting.

Very good, Sir Percy.

Did you get enough of that stuff down there?

Oh yes, sir, plenty, sir.

Good, some of it might do the trick, eh?

No thanks very much, I'm trying to give it up.

Oh, and Perkins?

Think I'll have it out here.

(upbeat music)

Good one. Now how about Annette by the lobster pot?

Why not? They are in good shape.

So is Annette, actually.

Sir Percy. Sir Percy.

Something terrible has happened.

Are we sinking or something?

No, sir, worse. Much worse.

We've run out of tonic.

Run out of tonic?

But that's not terrible, that's catastrophic.

I'm sorry, sir.

You're sorry? What do you mean you're sorry?

It's like Napoleon saying I'm sorry

after the Battle of Waterloo.

Perkins, do you realise that gin and tonic

is the cornerstone of the British Empire?

The empire was built on gin and tonic.

Gin to fight the boredom of exile,

and quinine to fight malaria.

How else do you think we could have carried the cross

of responsibility for the lives of millions

without the friendly fortitude of gin and tonic?

And you've run out of tonic, Perkins. That's treason.

Go before I strike you.

Very good, sir.

(patriotic music)

(Perkins splashing)

(light music)

(upbeat music)

(speaking Spanish)

(speaking Spanish)

[Mike] What did they say, Juan?

- They want to go fishing. This is their boat.

Ask them if we can hire it for the day.

(speaking Spanish)

Well as lovely as you look, Julie,

would you mind slipping into some of our cami knicks.

Cami knicks? Sure, darling, anything you want.

(upbeat music)

I think I want a cold drink.

(upbeat music)

Do you know I find something irresistibly sexy

about underwear and the sea?

The sand, and the, well, anything really.

(upbeat music)

(speaking Spanish)

That's okay, 10,000 pesetas a day.

10,000 pesetas? I don't want to buy it.

No, if you want to buy it, it will be much less.

(upbeat music)

(man speaking Spanish)

(light music)

[Woman] Papa, Papa?

(bell ringing)

(flare firing)

(group murmuring)

(woman shouting in Spanish)

(light upbeat music)

That's much better. You've got it now!

- Can we get Julie off of it? She's too low in the boat.

Yeah, get up onto the stern.

Julie, get as high as you can.

(gentle music)

Yeah, that's much better.

Uno, dos, uno, dos, uno dos.

(shouting in Spanish)

Uno, dos, uno, dos, uno, dos.

(shouting in Spanish)

(men speaking Spanish)

(speaking Spanish)

Uno, dos, uno, dos, uno, dos,

uno, dos, uno, dos, uno.

No tonic.

What the hell do you put in gin

if you haven't got any tonic?

More gin, I suppose (chuckles).

(light music)

(water lapping)

(light music)

(Percy sniffing)

(light music)

How's that boat for the background, Juan?

[Juan] Good, good shape. Nice picture.

(soft music)

Horsy, is that old tub yours?

Yacht, old boy. Yacht.

Yacht. Gin palace.

Mike, get that man out of the way.

He will ruin my picture.

Lie down, old man, will you?

Your face is upsetting my photographer.

You always were an insubordinate bounder.

I was going to ask you over for a drink,

but I'm damned if I will now.

I say, got any tonic?

Tonic? No, no.

Useless oaf.

(water lapping)

(upbeat music)

(Julie shrieking)

What the hell's going on over there?

(shouting in Spanish)

Bring the boat back. I wanna get over there.

Come on.

Hello. Do let me help you.

Congratulations. You did that absolutely marvellously well.

I didn't mean to fall in.

Really? I thought it was all part of the show.

Something in the water knocked me over.

It must have been Perkins.

The most sensible thing he's done today.

I say, you look absolutely charming.

You have a towel?

A towel?

I suppose we've got a towel, but Perkins isn't here,

so do let me help.

Never mind. I need some time in the sun.

If you don't mind, Sir Percy.

No, I don't mind at all (laughs).

I say, perhaps you better go to the other side of the boat

so nobody can see you, except me, of course.

I don't mind. I have a beautiful body, don't you think?

Absolutely splendid.

There's a deck shower around there,

if you'd like to pour yourself into it.

(Julie giggles)

Thank you.

Absolutely splendid.

Horsy, you're responsible for this.

What's the matter, old boy? I haven't done a thing.

I thought about it, but I haven't done a thing.

You sent that idiot frogman of yours

out there deliberately.

You're a bloody pirate.

Oh, you're talking a lot of cod. That was Perkins.

He's out there fishing, looking for lobsters.

Hoping you'd all come to dinner.

Not me, thank you very much.

I'm catching the afternoon plane.

Oh? What's your hurry?

Janet wants me and the film back in London.

Would you please throw our girl back? We're in a hurry.

She's wet. Very lovely, but wet.

So are you. Certainly not lovely.

Now come along, Horsy, please. We need her.

I bet you do.

[Coxswain] Uno, dos, uno, dos, uno, dos, uno, dos.

Mind the step.

Hello.

What about your nightie?

Keep it, old man, it could suit you.

Julie, look at your hair. It's a mess.

(explosion)

(group panicking)

My God, my film.

My God, my paint.

(upbeat music)

Jump, Senor.

Jump? What do you mean jump?

We saw your signals.

Yes, that's right. That was me.

You're in distress.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. I've run out of tonic.

Senor?

Do be a good chap and nip ashore

and get me 12 bottles, will you.

Preferably Schweppes. Don't be long.

(light music)

(birds singing)

(birds calling)

Ail Mr. Perkins, Sir Percy might see.

Hello, and what might Sir Percy see?

Oh, Senor, I couldn't say.

Oh, it's like that, eh?

Perkins, lay the table, not the maid.

Very good, sir.

Not that I can blame you.

Well here it all is, eh?

How did the seaweed work, by the way?

- Oh, very well, sir. Most distinctive flavour.

Would you care to try some?

- Don't be ridiculous. What else have you got?

Well, sir, there's molasses,

plain sugar, stewed prunes,

that's the seaweed.

Uh-huh.

Parsley. Herbs and flies, curry powder.

Flies?

Bit of a mistake, that one, sir.

How disgusting.

- No ordinary flies, sir. Actually, they're quite pretty.

What do they taste like?

I don't know, sir. I didn't fancy that one.

(bike bell ringing)

Ah, Josie, how very nice of you to come.

Take his bike, Perkins.

(speaking Spanish)

Of course, of course, of course.

Now, over here, we have examples of our very finest wines,

and we would like your expert opinion

as to which one is the best.

(speaking Spanish)

Perkins, he understood me perfectly.

How on Earth do you expect these chaps to learn English

when you keep on waffing away in Spanish?

I'm sorry, sir, I hadn't thought of that.

(birds singing)

(birds calling)

(wine swishing)

(birds singing)

We should have thought of a spittoon, Perkins.

He's ruining the lawn.

(birds calling)

(birds singing)

(dramatic music)

(speaking Spanish)

(speaking Spanish)

Gracias, gracias (speaks Spanish).

(shouting in Spanish)

(bike bell ringing)

Flies.

Flies?

Flies.

(upbeat light music)

(shouting in Spanish)

(upbeat light music)

(shouting in Spanish)

(upbeat light music)

(group screaming)

(upbeat light music)

(shouting and screaming)

Flies?

Ah, here we are.

Now, Perkins, it's absolutely essential

that you remember exactly what those flies looked like.

They were the same kind that covers the leaves, sir.

That's why I didn't see them at first.

I see. I take it that they were green.

Sort of green and gold.

Uh-huh.

And shiny.

And quite big, they were, a good half-inch.

Long and thin.

Long and...

Long and thin, like a beetle.

Well make up your mind, Perkins.

Are they beetles or flies?

Well they could have been flies, sir.

Or would you prefer insects?

What are you doing there, by the way?

I'm trying out the wine on some fleas, sir.

Fleas?

Why fleas?

They were handy.

Handy?

The dog.

Oh, oh, sorry.

Here, how about this one?

Green and gold, about five-eighths

of an inch long, Southern Europe.

Hm?

That's them, sir. That's the one.

Are you sure?

Absolutely certain, sir.

Good heavens, would you believe it?

Cantharus vesicatoria, or Spanish fly.

Spanish fly?

An insect dissolved in alcohol was much prized

in earlier times as a reputed aphrodisiac or love potion.

Unfortunate side effects prevented it being

accepted by the medical profession.

Side effects, wonder what that was.

Putting on weight or something.

Here, look at that, sir.

What are they doing?

Well they're not holding hands.

By George, they're at it.

I only gave them a drop.

(magnifying glass clattering)

Perkins, I'm going to be a very rich man.

You've just killed them, sir.

Have I really? So sorry.

What a lovely way to go.

Couldn't we try it out on something bigger, sir?

Perkins, I'm sure you haven't forgotten.

We have guests for dinner.

(light music)

(guests laughing)

(guests chattering)

(light music)

Oh, no thanks, only champagne.

Oh do try the red. It's very special.

He only ever drinks champagne.

The red wine argues with my stomach.

Champagne for me too, please.

Actually, Horsy, I think I'd prefer champagne.

Champagne? Champagne's a poofy drink.

No of fence, old chap.

Look, Scottie, I would really like you to try this wine.

I value your opinion.

It's not that cat's piss again, is it?

No no, no no, this is really a very fine wine.

(light music)

Hm, it's quite pleasant.

Quite pleasant?

Don't nibble at it, give it a good bashing.

It's a lovely wine.

Chateau bottled, you know.

Mm, I didn't know they had any chateau in Morocco.

(light music)

Mm, what do you think of it, Bruce?

Oh, it's lovely.

Thank you.

It's sort of, uh, warming.

Yes, mm.

Oh good, good. That's marvellous.

I hope you enjoy the paella.

Sorry about the lobsters, but Perkins couldn't catch any.

Matter of fact, I rather think the lobster can do

their call faster than he can do his.

(guests laughing)

He's never actually caught one single lobster.

He still owes me for the frog suit.

(guests laughing)

Ah, it looks marvellous, eh?

(accordion music)

Ah!

(guests chattering)

(gentle music)

Thank you.

Mm, c'est fantastique.

Yes, mate, really nice.

(light upbeat music)

Mm.

You know, it chokes me to say it, Horsy, but

I have to agree with you, you know.

This plunk of yours is not at all bad.

Good.

Look, I was fortunate enough to come across quite

a good supply of this wine, and as you're an old friend,

and if you feel like it, I might be able to fix

you up with a few crates.

That's very decent of you, Horsy.

At a very reasonable price.

Hm, how much?

Three pounds a bottle.

Three pounds a bottle? Three.

You're joking.

Well let's say 20 pounds a case, dozen bottles.

I'd say a fiver.

Ah ha ha.

Six.

Well it cost me twice that.

All right then, seven.

Look, if you don't mind my saying so,

you always were a mean sod.

If you don't mind my saying so,

you always were a chiselling bastard, eight.

Go and get buttered.

I prefer margarine, but you wouldn't know the difference.

But I do know the difference

between a good and a bad wine.

Shall we settle for nine?

8.50.

All right, done. How many cases would you like?

One.

One? Oh, Lord.

Perkins, give him some more wine.

I don't understand. You two are friends?

Yes, yes, we're old friends actually,

but don't forget, we're English.

(Mike sipping)

(romantic music)

All of a sudden, I feel really randy.

Australian, you know.

Frightfully physical.

Francesca, no, please.

Why are you frightened of me?

Because you're a girl.

Oh, naughty, you've been peeping, yeah?

(romantic music)

Um, why don't we go home?

Now?

Now.

Isn't it rather rude?

Ooh yes, but I feel very rude.

Can't you wait?

No.

Neither can I.

I'm so sorry, Horsy.

I don't quite know, ooh, how to put this,

but I'm afraid we've got to go.

Oh what a pity.

I haven't had such fun since Nanny died.

No, neither have I actually, but I've got to get up

early in the morning.

Oui.

Do you all have to go?

I really have to.

No no, no more. Please, no really, I couldn't manage.

To get you all in the car, I mean.

- Perkins? - Sir?

Get the car, will you?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and, don't forget the camera.

Very good, sir.

(soft music)

Oh, Horsy, the wine.

Two cases.

Ah, that's more like it.

Oh, and thank you for a lovely dinner.

Not at all.

Come back for the dessert cheese and coffee another day.

[Mike] Hey.

Hey, I'm first.

But my room's the closest.

Yeah, well, it was my idea.

We're here now. It's quicker.

Girls, please.

Annette, Bruce was first, you know.

Oh, but very well. Be quick, I'll be waiting.

(both moaning)

I won't keep you very long.

Come on.

(light music)

(flowerpot smashing)

Sh!

(light music)

(ladder clattering)

(light music)

(Mike moaning)

(light music)

(door shutting)

(both moaning)

(light music)

(ladder clattering)

(light music)

(lovers moaning)

(light music)

(Bruce giggling)

(lovers moaning)

(light music)

(camera clicking)

(lovers moaning)

(Bruce giggling)

(Mike groaning)

(light music)

(Perkins splashing)

(light music)

(water sloshing)

(light music)

[Annette] Ah ha.

(shoes sloshing)

(light music)

(engine sputtering)

Why are we stopped, Perkins?

We've run out of petrol, sir.

Oh.

Why have we run out of petrol?

Because we've run out of credit, sir.

Oh.

Then we'll walk. Nice day for a walk.

Don't forget the wine.

(bottles clinking)

(upbeat dance music)

Ticket, Senor. 50 pesetas, Senor.

Seems reasonable.

100 pesetas for two.

Seems logical.

(bottles clinking)

(upbeat dance music)

Ah, there we are.

(upbeat dance music)

No, stop!

Look at you. Just look at you!

What have you been doing?

Don't be daft. What's it look like we've been doing?

I make you two guesses.

Women!

How can I work with girls in this condition?

I'm sorry. We couldn't help it, just had to be done.

You can imagine what it was like (giggles).

No, perhaps you can't.

But what can I do with those bruises?

- Stop fussing, Juan. You've still got two girls.

I couldn't get round to Julie and Francesca.

Did my best.

Spirit was willing. Flesh let me down.

Your turn next, my darlings.

{(women giggling)

Mike.

Music.

No, I have enough with you two.

Over here.

I will get you against the sun.

(upbeat dance music)

(bottles clinking)

(upbeat dance music)

Ah, there you are, dear boy. Trust you slept well.

Sleep? Oh, what's that?

I thought I might deliver your wine

as I happened to be passing.

Passing? How do you pass down here?

- (chuckles) Very good. Cash on delivery, of course.

Of course. Now, 8.50 a case, wasn't it?

Cash. I don't know whether I've got enough on me.

Pity. Still, I'm perfectly happy to accept your check.

(upbeat dance music)

I might just be able to spare you a few more cases.

That's very nice of you, Horsy, old man.

Remarkable wine.

Oh yeah? Seems fairly ordinary to me.

It's the effect that I find so interesting.

Effect? I don't know what you're talking about.

Wine is wine.

If you drink a lot, it makes you drunk.

Perkins?

(light music)

How many cases might you want?

That depends on the price.

I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

For a quantity, I'd expect a very different price.

Of course.

8.50 a case for Spanish plum.

It just isn't on, is it?

No, of course it isn't.

[Mike] Did you have a figure in mind?

Matter of fact, I do, yeah.

[Mike] How much?

10 pounds a case.

10 pounds? 1.50 more than last night?

That's not even inflation. It's extortion.

But it's a very remarkable wine.

Yes, I know.

Oh my God.

How's Janet, by the way?

This is a very dirty trick, Horsy. Even for you.

To think we went to the same school.

How could you do such a thing?

Oh, I couldn't. But Perkins could.

However, I don't think you're in a position to moralise.

For example, what on Earth do you think

you're doing to this unhappy girl?

Oh, I remember that (chuckles).

What do you mean unhappy? She's obviously loving it.

Beast.

Hm?

(light music)

Did I do that?

How many more of these have you got?

I seem to have done pretty well for one night.

Not bad for a fourth fallout.

Yeah, I was always a very virile little champ.

Maybe, but I bet this is the first time

that your performance has matched up to your lust.

I might well agree with you there.

I'm beginning to get on to you.

You doctored that wine, didn't you, Horsy?

What did you put in it?

Oh a spot of this and that. Mostly that.

An aphrodisiac wine.

This is the greatest invention since the double bed.

How much do you want?

I'll take a thousand cases.

(whistles) Perkins, me must go into full production.

[Mike] At 10 pounds a case.

Make it out to cash, and it's 12.

Twe, 12? You said 10.

Like everything else, it's gone up.

I better write the check out quickly,

before it goes up again.

Passion punch.

Cash.

12,000 pounds.

(light music)

Cash?

12,000 pounds.

Specially cleared through London. What's he done?

I shall kill him.

I swear it.

I shall

kill him.

(speaking Spanish)

Okay?

[Children] Okay?

Bueno. Vamos.

(upbeat light music)

(coin clanking)

(upbeat light music)

Up up, up up.

(upbeat light music)

Oh, not again.

Go on, off you go. Get pedalling.

Keep going. That's right, off we go.

(upbeat light music)

(coin clanking)

(upbeat light music)

(children chattering)

(upbeat light music)

(children chattering)

(upbeat light music)

Ah, this is the label I had specially designed for you.

Like it? The rest of your wine's over there.

It's very good, but I want to know

what the magic ingredient is.

Oh, it's a trade secret, old boy.

It's not dangerous, is it?

No, of course not. You feel all right, don't you?

All right?

Ho ho ho, I've never been more all right in my life.

I'm just wondering how long I'll be able to keep it up.

Keep drinking the wine, and you'll keep it up.

(accordion music)

Would you like to oil my back?

Mm-hm, yes.

(accordion music)

(light music)

What I'm going to do to you.

When?

When?

There's no time like now.

Mr. Scott.

I think Mr. Scott is in his room, Madame.

I'm Mrs. Scott, what number?

Number Six, at the top of the stairs.

(phone ringing)

(soft music)

Now, just one more little drink.

(soft music)

Then lots of nicks and bruises for you.

I don't bruise easily.

Mm, who wants it to be easy?

(Julie chuckling)

(diver splashing)

(upbeat light music)

Oh, my God.

Who are you?

I am Juan.

I'm Janet Scott. How do you do?

Oh, what do you intend to do?

I was thinking of killing my husband.

You kill Mike? Why?

Just because he has been unfaithful to you?

Has he indeed? I didn't know he could.

Who, Mike? But Mike is like a ram.

A goat, a bull.

I think you are a very fortunate woman to have all that.

- I've never had all that. Not that there's much to have.

Where is he?

I don't know. No, no, please.

I don't know.

Where is he?

Janet, darling.

So it's true?

Put that thing down. No, please.

No, darling, please, look, I can explain everything.

Well, uh...

Don't explain.

Show me.

(door closing)

What?

You ram. You goat.

You bull.

(light music)

Don't let me down. Not now.

Later.

Just one more.

We'll talk.

Please, give me strength.

About that

check.

I was sure my last moment had come.

There was death, staring me in the face,

with a very big sword.

Mm, poor Juan.

Indeed, poor Juan.

You know what I would like? Some pink champagne.

Pink champagne? There is none.

I had some in France once. It was beautiful.

No.

Oh, they make it like this?

Oh yes. Try it, you will like it.

(gentle music)

You are very good to me, Julie.

I am very fond of you, Juan.

(Mike barking)

What, what, what was that?

It sounded like a bark, next door.

(Mike barking)

Mike, you keep away. I'm warning you.

It's the wine. You see, it's out.

It's, it's out.

You've got rabies.

You've been bitten by a mad dog.

It's out.

Keep away!

(Mike barking)

Rabies. Did he bite you too?

Everywhere. Rabies?

Will I die?

I expect so, dear. Horribly.

I will fetch help. Hm.

Oh, Juan, will you?

Will you really?

Yes.

You may come with me.

(glass breaking)

(glass breaking)

(upbeat music)

(patrons chattering)

(upbeat music)

Vino, vino!

(upbeat music)

(man laughing)

(upbeat music)

(woman screaming)

(woman shouting)

(upbeat music)

Tell me, Isabel, when did you start making

these nasty noises?

(Isabel squealing)

Oh dear, dear, dear, well now, I distinctly remember

this said something about side effects here.

Let's see if we can find it.

Here we are.

Unfortunately, certain side effects prevented

it being accepted by the medical profession.

Blah, blah, blah blah blah, oh dear.

Oh dear. Priapism in the male.

(Isabel whining)

Well you haven't got that?

Constriction of the vocal cords to cause

barking like a dog.

(Isabel barking)

That would seem to be your problem. Oh dear.

And a desire to, uh, mm-mm, every two minutes.

(Isabel barking)

You've got that as well.

Perkins, Perkins?

Yes, sir.

What kept you?

We have a slight problem, Sir Percy.

Yes, I know we have. Get the Rolls.

That is the problem, sir.

Don't talk in riddles.

It's gone, sir.

Gone, what do you mean gone?

The man came to collect it.

Came to collect, was something wrong with it?

He took it back.

We had overlooked the little matter of paying for it, sir.

Oh, well, we had five jolly good years

wear and tear out of it, didn't we?

Don't panic, Perkins. Think of something.

I'm not panicking, sir.

All right, well, I'll panic,

but for Pete sake, think of something.

Very good, sir.

(upbeat music)

Is Mike here? Have you seen Mike?

No, I haven't.

No?

Hey, I like your dress.

Have you seen Mike?

Hey, come on (speaks Spanish).

(Julie laughing)

(upbeat music)

(woman screaming)

(woman shouting in Spanish)

(upbeat music)

Horsy? Horsy?

Horsy?

(upbeat light music)

That's very charming.

(Mike croaking)

(upbeat light music)

(Mike croaking)

(Mike barking)

(upbeat music)

(swimmers splashing)

(upbeat music)

(hooves clopping)

[Perkins] Whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa, whoa.

- Why have you stopped, Perkins? Have you run out of hay?

We'll never get through that lot, sir.

Oh, another one of those bloody fiestas.

No wonder the Spaniards lost their empire.

We lost ours, too, sir.

Yes, tragic.

They lost theirs through fiestas.

We lost ours through strikes, so no time for tittle tattle.

Come along, Perkins. Don't forget the pots.

Oh.

Come along! Oh, there you are.

(upbeat music)

(crowd shouting and chattering)

(upbeat music)

Hey, hey!

(upbeat music)

Janet, Janet.

Janet, Janet.

Mike, where have you been? Are you all right?

Am I all right? What's going on here?

Oh my God, they got at the wine, and it's dangerous.

Dangerous?

It's got Spanish fly in it.

Spanish fly?

And it's nearly killed me.

(men urinating)

[Janet] Does the wine do that as well?

Approximately every two minutes.

And worse, ooh, much worse.

So if you don't wanna spend the rest of your days

in a Spanish jail, come on.

(Julie laughing)

Ooh, just a little wine and I think I have you.

(romantic music)

Just a little wine, and I think I have you.

(Juan laughing)

Oh well, at least it solved his problem.

Uh-huh.

(upbeat music)

(swimmer splashing)

(people barking)

(upbeat music)

[Mike] Come on. Come on, stop it.

Give it to me.

Hey, woof.

(people barking)

I can't understand a word they're saying.

Bloody foreigners.

(people barking)

Hey, come on. Get out of the way.

Get out, go on.

Stop it. Stop throwing it away!

What are you doing throwing wine into the sea?

Get out of the way!

(bottles splashing)

Well, that's a few gallons of it.

Oh, those poor fish.

Horsy! Look, he's getting away.

(royal music)

There goes 12,000 pounds of my money.

Eh?

Our money.

Yeah, a very expensive party, my darling.

(man laughing)

Hola.

Give it to me.

Oh no no, please.

No.

What?

This vino, make my hair come back.

I'll show you.

Look, see.

Janet, Janet, here look. Look at this.

Hair, sprouting in the desert.

Si si, Senor. Hair in the desert, where nothing grew.

Thank you.

Oh, not at all.

Thank you. Muchos gracias.

- De nada. - Muchos gracias.

How much of that wine did you buy?

A thousand cases.

I think you've done something clever, my darling.

Thank you, my darling. I'm brilliant.

Scott's patent hair restorer.

(dreamlike music)

Excuse me, I'm looking for Sir de Coursy.

Sir Percy, old boy.

I don't think you'll be seeing him for a while, old boy.

Look. He's just taken off in his boat.

His boat?

My boat.

(light music)

(water lapping)

[Percy] Perkins, you really are a birk.

You're always running out of something.

(light music)

Have you any idea where you're aiming for?

How about Ibiza?

Well you can go anywhere, but do try and avoid Liverpool.

Malta?

Greece?

How about Gibraltar?

We can't go to Gibraltar, sir. We've done that already.

Oh yes, of course. I've forgotten.

You make up your mind, sir. I'll row.

I know what to do, Perkins.

Row to the horizon, and then turn right.

(upbeat music)

♪ Baby, I am on fire ♪

♪ Something is making me burn ♪

♪ Baby, you take me higher ♪

♪ Show me what I've got to learn ♪

♪ Teach me to reach for the sky ♪

♪ Tell me you need me and fly me high ♪

♪ Fly me high ♪

♪ Fly me high high high ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, shake me up, take me up high in the sky ♪

♪ And fly me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la, I got the notion ♪

♪ So set me in motion, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, lala la, la la la, higher and higher ♪

♪ You know how to satisfy me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ I've got a faraway look in my eye ♪

♪ Look in my eye and fly me ♪

♪ Fly me now ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la, shake me up, take me up ♪

♪ High in the sky and fly me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ I got a faraway look in my eye ♪

♪ Look in my eye and fly me ♪

♪ Fly me, now ♪