Original subtitles

Nonso, this cancer weakens me every day,

And I am not sure I'll make it to your next birthday.

So, I got you a birthday gift in advance.

It is a three carat solitaire diamond engagement ring.

Since your father is gone and I don't have much time left,

my wish is for you to find yourself a good wife,

so that you can start a family of your own.

Just so you know, the ring is valued around $22,000.

I love you so much, mom.

♪ I wish love was an easy song to write ♪

♪ 'Cause I have pages worth of words, That will not lie ♪

♪ Your name will be the melody ♪

♪ That's on my tongue ♪

♪ Oh if love was a simple song ♪

♪ There are no words That have been written or been sung ♪

♪ That my ears have heard Or I've cheapened with my tongue ♪

♪ That hold the weight of this thing that we call love ♪

♪ Oh love's not a simple song ♪

♪ But my song's for you ♪

♪ Though not pretty or poetic ♪

♪ I hope you know it's true ♪

♪ I'm not perfect in my ways ♪

♪ And I let you down most days ♪

♪ But know it's true ♪

-♪ Darling I love you ♪

-Babe? -Yes?

-It's time to go. -No please.

Babe, it's getting late. Please come take me home.

Listen, can you just please spend the night?

I have work, you are aware.

Please babe.

Listen, I agree, but it's just so hard to see you go.

-I'm gonna cry

And it's okay baby.

But you'll survive.

-What if I don't survive? -You will, you're a big boy.

-What if I die before the morning?

-I can't breathe without you, baby.

Don't go.

Please come back.

Five more minutes, please.

-Let's go. -Five more minutes.

You have to, you still have to drive back.

Alright baby, let's go.

Hey bro, how far?

Hey guy, how far now? What's good?

I'm fine my guy. What's up now?

I'm okay. Where are you like this?

I am still in the office

Office.

Okay, you know what will happen?

Can you stop by my place after work?

Yeah. What's going on?

Don't worry man, when you come I'll tell you.

Just stop by please

-Okay bro. -Alright man, see you soon.

You said you have something to say, shoot.

Guy relax now, won't you calm down?

What do you mean "Relax, calm down?"

I hightailed out of the office to come here

and you're saying calm down.

Look, you said it was serious. What's up? Shoot.

Okay. Uhm

I want to settle down.

Don't laugh man, this guy.

-He's laughing.

I'm sorry man.

You said you want to settle down, meaning you want to marry?

Wait, you're serious?

One hundred percent bro.

So who do you\Nwant to marry?

What kind of stupid question is that?

Who else? Chioma, of course.

You're serious man?

Guy, a hundred percent.

My man.

-Congratulations man. -Thank you so much.

-So you got my back? -I got your back, man.

-Cheers man!

Going to work?

Yes. I'm looking for my keys.

Aren't you going to work?

Nope. I got the day off.

-Lucky you.

-I know

A secret?

What secret?

Have you seen my keys?

Cynthia, why are you smiling?

Are you hiding my keys?

-No, of course not.

-Have you checked your bag? -No.

-Who are you talking to? -Oh, nobody.

I mean, my friend.

You're talking to your ex again.

You need to stop selling yourself short okay?

Stop talking to this guy. He doesn't deserve you.

-Any man would be lucky to have you. -Here we go again

Do you understand?

Yeah, well, I'm not searching for just any man.

I mean, it's hard out there. It's tough, right?

I mean, not everyone can be as lucky as you

to find such a perfect gentleman like Nonso.

I mean, he's only perfect until he proposes.

Why the hell hasn't he done that?

I don't know, but I love him regardless.

Aw! Look at you.

Happy and in love.

Whatever! We need to find you your own amazing man soon.

Definitely not one like that your ex.

Wait, do you really always have to rub in

my bad choices of men?

Yes.

Whatever.

-Hey! -Hi, how are you?

I'm good.

I'm so sorry I'm late. The traffic was crazy.

It is a problem for anyone who doesn't know Lagos traffic.

I know right?

-Oh hey. -Hey Cynthia.

-Hi -Hi.

-How are you? -I'm okay. How are you?

I'm good.

Great.

Great.

Jay?

Hmm?

Sorry! Your hand.

Yeah.

So guys,

I'm going to ask Chioma to marry me.

Oh my!

It's beautiful.

It is? Do you think she'll like it?

Like it?

Nah! I don't think she'll like it.

-What? Why? -What's wrong with it?

Like, is it too small?

It's not the cut she likes?

It's… I don't know

There's just…

-Psych!

Of course she'll love it.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Guy you calm down now.

Chioma is not even here, see how you're sweating.

Where am I sweating? Please.

-Is it your sweat? -Clean your forehead.

-Is it your sweat? -Sorry, ah.

-Alright, thank you. -This is beautiful.

Alright, cool. First hurdle, passed.

Now, Chioma…

is your best friend.

Yeah.

Do you, and I can handle the truth oh,

Do you think she will say yes?

What? Are you kidding?

I mean Chioma dreams of you and her wedding all day long.

Of course she will say yes. I mean, why wouldn't she?

Okay.

Okay, two down.

Now the third thing is, proposal.

I have absolutely no idea in my head right now.

-Well, I guess that's why we're here. -Mmhm.

Cool. Who wants to go first?

-I have an idea. -I was hoping

-No, it's fine. -I have an idea.

-Go ahead. -Okay.

So check this yeah?

You put an ad in a newspaper, hm?

You put your name, you put the proposal there

and then you buy the newspaper.

You give it to her to read it.

You know, say, "Read the ad for me" and all of that.

She's reading it. Of course she's not expecting to see that.

But as she's reading,

she's beginning to realize it's the proposal.

And then she'd be like, "Aww"

and you'd be right behind her,

on one knee, propose, boom!

-What do you guys think?

-Really?

I'm sorry, I…

Listen, your idea is beautiful.

-It's nice. -Thank you.

But,

What if someone that knows her reads this publication

before the actual proposal,

and then calls her to congratulate her?

Then what?

-Have you though about that? -He doesn't really think much to be fair.

But you know what? It's fine.

Nice try.

Cynthia, please, I know you're her best friend.

I know you know her more than anybody in this world.

What do you think?

[Nonso] How do you think she likes to be proposed to?

Honestly, I think simplicity, privacy.

You should know this about her. She just loves anything simple.

I think something simple and private would work just fine.

Something like?

Something like a private dinner at a lounge

or at home. Yes. Here.

Why didn't I think of that?

-Dinner at home right? -Yes!

Dinner at home?

-She'll love it. -Yes! She's right.

Of course I'm right.

-Dinner at home.

Hey, baby.

Hi baby.

What are you doing right now?

I just got back from work.

I'm trying to settle down.

Okay.

I was thinking, do you have any plans for tomorrow night?

Nope! Uuh! Do you have any plans for us?

Well, I was thinking maybe

We can have

I don't know, dinner at my place.

Oh! Who's cooking?

Chef Nonso, of course.

Ahh! That sounds so sexy.

Okay, chef Nonso, may I place my order?

Mm. Of course, I have my note out.

Okay. I'd like you to prepare my favorite soup.

That's easy now, egusi?

Yes. With a lot of stock fish.

Okay. You know what, consider it done.

Thank you.

And for dessert, I'd like us to play cuddle bugs.

Hm! Cuddle bugs.

Mmhm!

Hey.

My man.

Look at you. See guy, I got roses already, man.

Ah, ah! Bro I know

But these are to be spread from here to the dinning table.

Don't you watch chick flicks?

Thank you man. See I knew I should have involved you.

When this is done, we'll talk about you and Cynthia.

What'd you mean "Me and Cynthia"?

You think I didn't see how you were holding her hand,

you nearly broke the girl's bone.

-My guy, You calm down. -Lover boy.

See who is calling me out as lover boy

Where are you going?

Well, if you must know, there's a guy.

So we're meeting up.

So what? like a date?

Yeah, sort of, but not exactly.

Why won't you just say it's a date instead of

sort of and not exactly.

Because it's not exactly a date.

I, honey, you'll find out soon, alright?

Alright.

Are you going out?

Well, Nonso invited me over for dinner.

And he is cooking.

-He's cooking? -Yes.

Aw, men that cook, keeper.

But are you planning on wearing that?

Mmhm.

It's horrible.

Stop, it's not horrible.

Babes, it is horrible.

Yes!

-Its not bad. -It's horrible.

Hmm

Maybe my lucky red dress?

Perfect.

Oh, you look gorgeous in that dress.

Oh my God! Take this off.

Heads up, I might not come back tonight.

Okay. So it's about to go down.

-No, it's not. -Yes it is.

Nothing is about to

Oh yes it's about to go down.

-Stop. -Hmm

I see.

Hmm

What's the look on your face?

Oh, nothing.

Just enjoy your night, darling.

-I'm serious, stop.

And now she's shy?

Hello?

Hello, Cynthia. How far are you?

I'm on my way.

Okay, awesome.

And what about Chioma?

She's getting ready.

Wait, does she suspect anything?

Huh, no.

She actually thinks I'm going on a date.

I can't wait to see the look on her face

when she discovers that you and her were both going

to the same place.

I know. I can't wait too.

It's going to be so hilarious.

Or have you been the one feeding her since?

Guy, it's perfect, right?

My brother, it is.

What do you think?

Oh my! Wow!

This is absolutely breathtaking.

-Like it? -Of course.

I mean, I love it.

Thank you.

Oh no, you guys did an amazing job.

I'm impressed.

Thank you so much.

So tell me, did I miss anything?

You missed a lot of work.

-Oh, well that's fair enough.

Oh no, this is absolutely beautiful.

Wait, you two actually\Ndid all this yourself

without no help?

-Yeah, we did. -Both of us.

Aww!

I think we should just switch this up.

Have this here and have this.

Voila! Perfection.

Oh, I love it.

Okay.

My man.

-You're looking sharp.

-Nice one bro. -Thank you.

Breathe, alright.

I think we should run,

we should just rehearse the lines once more.

-Perfect. -That's a good idea.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Come, sit!

Let's rehearse.

So, do you have the…?

The script. The lines

Good.

-Wait. -Alright.

You've got this.

Confidence. You've got this.

She's sitting there.

-Go on, You got this.

-Two years ago. -She's not even here yet.

-You have it. -Just get into it, alright?

-Baby,

Two years ago you captured my heart

By being…

By being exactly the way you are.

You're the sweetest,

The most caring,

The nicest person that I have ever met.

And you've been with me through the good, through the bad,

and most especially when I was mourning my mom.

And,

And you make me so happy.

I enjoy spending every minute with you and,

It's so bad that even some days when I don't see you,

I start to get panic attacks.

In essence, what…

What I'm trying to say is…

what I'm trying to say, baby is ummm, give me the line.

[Jay] The moment has come.

[Nonso] Thank you.

The moment has come.

The moment has come for me to take this a step further and,

And I would like to ask you a very… very important question.

Chioma,

Will you marry me?

And then at this point she'd bring up her hand

-and she says, yes. -Yes.

-And then I -What if she says, no?

Wait, what?

Really?

Wait, is it possible that she'll say no?

-Of course not. -I'm joking.

-I'm joking. -That's an expensive joke.

Come on, calm down, bro. She will say yes.

-Ignore him. -I'm sorry.

-She would say yes. -Ignore him, alright?

Get back down. She said, yes.

I was just joking.

-Continue. -Continue.

So you're on your knees, she says, yes.

Alright. Then she says yes.

-Yes. -Yes.

And then I put it. What finger?

-This one. -This one.

I'll put it in her finger and then

Finger, yes.

And that's our cue to come out.

-Oh yes. -Voila and surprise.

And then you two live happily ever after.

And that's it.

This is so sweet.

I mean, it looks like a scene

in one of those fairy tale movies, you know?

Oh God! When will I get my own romantic man now?

Ahah! You're disturbing God when I'm here?

-Calm down now. -For your mind.

Wait! You guys please, please focus on me.

-Focus on me. Is everything okay? -Of course

-Of course. Perfect. -Yes, yes, yes.

Are you sure?

You're ready.

-I don't know the lines yet. -But nothing.

-You have it man. -You have it.

-It comes from here.

Guys, guys, she's here.

Breathe, breathe.

Calm down.

-You're ready. -Alright, you guys, go.

-GO!. -Okay, fine.

Take your bag.

You got this, alright?

Alright

Nonso stick to the plan now. Why did you put?

Damn!

Nonso, What are you doing?

Why did I put it in the soup?

Flowers? Thank you.

Oh my goodness! Baby!

-Babe. -You like?

I know I say this all the time, but I have to say it again.

Baby you are the best.

-Sorry, I didn't hear you. -You are the best.

You have to say it louder.

-Nonso, you are the best.

I'm so happy you like it. Guess what?

-What? -There's more.

I can't believe you did all this for me.

Oh, of course baby.

You're so sweet.

Here you go.

Thanks.

This is a lot of protein.

I know you like meat.

I like meat.

You cooked.

Why are you staring at my plate so much?

Am I?

Yes, you're staring into my plate a lot.

-Sorry.

-Are you sure that's enough meat? -Yes.

Babe, stop.

Okay.

Yes.

-Babe, stop doing that. -Sorry.

Say a prayer?

-Yes. -Yes?

Father almighty.

Are you expecting anyone else?

No. I'm not.

I'm not.

Father Almighty we'd like to thank you for this--

Maybe that's Jay. Right?

I'm pretty sure it's not Jay because he's in my room

-Hm? -Hm?

-Did you say something? -I said you're beautiful baby.

Oh babe stop it.

-Let me go see who that is. -Okay.

-Go!

I'll wait for you.

Huh?

Hey handsome?

Bisi, what are you doing here?

Okay, it's kind of like a long story.

I got into an argument with my roommate

and it almost led to like a physical fight.

So I just wanted to leave the house

so that things could calm down.

And I just wanted to spend the night here.

Listen, you cannot stay here tonight, okay?

Ah, Nonso please now.

Stop shouting.

No. You can't stay here tonight. This is a bad time.

Nonso, please now.

I'll stay on the couch. Please!

-and I'll leave in the morning. -You cannot stay here tonight,

See, tonight is the worst night.

Why didn't you call me or something? You just burst in my house.

I wanted to call you, but I knew you were going to say no.

-Please now, Nonso? -Listen, you were right.

I am saying no and there is no way that you can stay here tonight.

Why don't you just go and get like a hotel or something?

I don't have any money.

You never have money.

You know what? Just

See, take.

It looks like Nonso is broke too.

I'm not broke, I just don't have any cash with me right now.

Then give me an ATM card now. Nonso, come on now.

Why don't you just become an armed robber now?

-Come on, see. -Baby, it's fine.

-See what you have caused now? -It's fine.

Bisi!

Hello boyfriend snatcher.

Bisi!

We both know I did not snatch him.

You abandoned him when he needed you the most

and that was when I found my baby.

Listen

Babe, you can let her in. It's fine.

Are you sure?

Babe, are you sure?

She's staying for just the night on the couch. Right?

Sorry baby.

Can I enter now?

This is serious

What's the occasion?

It's not even fine. See how the house decorated poorly.

Rubbish!

-Who was that?

Bisi is here.

Who is Bisi?

His gold digging ex-girlfriend.

What? And you let her in?

I tried to stop her, but it was Chioma that intervened.

Oh Lord! Men!

So guy how do I deal with this now?

Guy, I don't know.

Jay, come on.

Okay fine. Look,

first of all, you have to go out there and--

And propose to Chioma with Bisi right there, right?

Right?

Right, that would be awkward.

Ah!

I will not lie to you

This your soup is really sweet. You tried.

Nice one. You tried.

Actually Nonso did the cooking.

-Mmhm? -Yes.

This is serious

Nonso didn't do all this one when I was with him.

He didn't treat me like this when I was with him.

-Aren't you lucky? -Yes. I am.

Well, so was I until I became his ex.

Well, that's too bad for you though, but not for me.

Let me tell you something.

Better enjoy it while it lasts.

I definitely will, because I believe it will last forever.

See, you can keep telling yourself that.

But you and I we both know that nothing,

in fact, love does not last forever.

You know how they say what you believe works for you?

I believe Nonso and I are going to last forever.

It's people like you that will say love lasts forever,

later now you will go back on twitter

And be tweeting "Men are scum", "Scum is shit", "Love is bastard"

"Man is rubbish"

Nonsense! Be deceiving yourself.

Sweetheart, I obviously don't understand

what you just said, but I can tell you for a fact,

you're just jealous because I have Nonso.

Eh? Me? Jealous?

My dear, you can have him, I dash him to you.

You can take him, eat him, I gift him to you.

Look, let me tell you something,

I was always more interested in his money than love.

Guy, why would you even put the ring inside the soup?

I don't know where I got that stupid idea from.

Ah!

The ring!

Babe, I was about to come look for you.

I was doing number two.

Dirty Man

So I see that you've suddenly become Mr. romantic.

For this one, I would give the universe,

the skies and the stars.

-I love you baby. -I love you.

I love you more.

Oh my goodness.

You know this is going to be longer than I expected.

I know right?

What?

Why are you staring at me?

I was actually staring at the painting behind you.

Of course.

It's beautiful.

Well, not as beautiful as you.

You know what? I think I should check up on them.

You're still not staring?

What are you doing?

Umm!

I was just…

looking for tripe.

Babe, there's tripe in your plate

-Oh. -Yeah.

-I didn't even see it.

I'm sure she's fine.

I think I swallowed something. I swallowed.

-She's okay. -I swallowed something.

Here, have some water. Have some water.

The ring.

Bisi!

listen to me. Come with me.

Bisi, come with me now, okay.

Bisi, come with me right now.

-Drink some water

Trust me, she's fine baby.

-Come with me. Come.

What is it? What now, Ahh!

Do you want to injure me? Why did you drag me here?

Listen okay, just listen to me.

I was going to propose to Chioma today,

but then you swallowed the engagement ring.

Huh?

Nonso. Please in the name of God, tell me you're joking?

I'm not joking. Listen, I was going to propose to her

and then she came unexpectedly and I got nervous

and I mistakenly put the ring in the soup.

But then I thought, okay,

when she's eating

I can use that one to just propose to her and then

Ah, am I going to die?

No you're not gonna die, Bisi.

What if the ring goes and tears my intestine

Can you stop with the drama. You've started again.

Hey God!

Wait.

Nonso, so in other words, in other words,

your ring is in my stomach?

First of all, none of this would have happened

if you did not show up here uninvited, Bisi.

What kind of a foolish person even puts a ring inside soup?

That's the dumbest, most stupid, craziest,

daftest, idioticest

Listen to me. You know what's going to happen now?

What's gonna happen now is that we're gonna go back in,

you're going to smile like nothing happened.

And then later on,

later on…

I would go and get you laxative so that you can.

Can do what?

So that you can shit it out.

Hehehe

Nonso, wait.

You will wait for me to shit?

-Yes. That's a great idea.

Nonso will not kill me.

Then you will now use that shit ring,

A shit ring to propose to your girlfriend?

It is not a shit ring, it is an expensive ring

and I'm not stupid.

Of course I will disinfect it before I give it to her.

Shut up. How much is the ring that you are making noise?

It cost a lot. Forget about that.

"Cost a lot."

How much is a lot that you want to stress me.

Did they tell you I want to purge.

See, listen, okay. That's not important.

What's important is the fact that my girlfriend's ring

is inside your stomach right now. Forget about how much.

Mr, Please talk! How much is your ring?

I can buy it for you. I can give you

You can't give me the money.

You can give me $22,000?

Huh?

$22,000?

Shut up.

Slap me again.

Babe, what are you looking at?

It's nothing.

So what are you hiding?

It's nothing. What's up?

Show me your hands.

There's nothing in my hands.

Let me see please. Please, Let me see. What are you hiding?

Oh my God. Is that for me?

No. Not yet.

Not yet.

Is this one crazy?

Okay, can I see it?

-Bisi. -Please bring it, let me look at it

Babe! It's so beautiful.

And it looks like really expensive.

Of course it's expensive.

This is the kind of ring you sell when you are broke.

And use the money to solve yours problems

Okay. So when are you proposing to me?

No, or better still, when are we getting married?

Adebisi Oladipupo, can you slow down?

Slow down?

For what?

I need to call my best friend so we can start planning.

Can you just cut the crap?

You see that I'm mourning my mom

and you're here talking about an engagement.

As in, are that insensitive?

Don't you have any respect for the dead?

Okay. So what's gonna happen to the ring?

Give me my ring please.

You know what? It's okay.

Continue to mourn your mommy.

I'm done. Rubbish!

Unfortunate person, look at him, big head.

Wait,

Is this the diamond ring that your late mom gave you?

Yes, it is.

Ah! Nonso I swear to God you're wicked.

How am I wicked?

Nonso, I dated you for five years.

Here we go again.

Five solid years, and you didn't think

I was good enough for you to give me this ring,

but she's worth it?

I never said that you were not good enough, Bisi.

Okay.

I was good enough, but you didn't deem it fit

to give me the ring.

What, is it because she's Igbo and I'm Yoruba?

Don't bring tribe into it.

Listen Bisi, this has nothing to do with tribe.

Me and you we tried and it didn't work out

and I moved on period.

Okay. You moved on, period.

That's nice to know.

Well, guess what Nonso?

I think it's time for me too to move on.

Wait, come to think of it,

I wasted five years with you, you did not give me this ring,

but my God above, the one true living God

that I cry to in the wilderness has done it

that this ring circled it's way back to me.

Nonso, thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

I think it's time for me to also move on.

Let me leave with my ring.

Bisi, come now.

What do you mean by you're leaving? What do you mean by that?

Get away with your nonsense. Get out

What's all this rubbish? Saying Bisi come

Come and do what?

It will not be well with you, unfortunate person

Bisi where are you--

-Get out. -Come back here, man.

-Bisi! -God has done it for me.

I'm leaving please, Get out.\NLet me leave this place.

-Nonso.

Nonso, what's going on?

Babe, listen, I will explain to you later, but don't get angry.

Nonso get out of my way let me go.

Nonso please, let her leave.

No. Listen babe, I will explain to you later,

but she can't go anywhere.

-It's getting crazy. -I will explain to you later,

but she can't go anywhere, babe.

See, I'm telling him to let me go

-he's not allowing me. -Nonso stop being so aggressive.

Can you let her go?

Nonso if you don't let her go, I'll leave.

Babe I'm sorry, I will explain to you later, please.

-Chioma, wait please. -She is leaving.

-Stay here. -Stay where?

Stay here.

-Chioma! Stay here.

Chioma.

Something is wrong with you. Where is my bag?

So we're just supposed to stay here and not do anything?

-Yes. -What do you mean "yes"?

For now.

if he needs us, he will call us.

I think they need us

Wait!

Bisi is crazy. You don't know Bisi.

That girl is madness.

-Oh I'm madness too. -Girl.

Rubbish! Nonsense!

Uhn uhn

Babe, wait!

Babe, please.

Nonso! Open this door please.

Which kind of rubbish is this now?

Nonso.

Baby let me explain. I can explain.

Explain what?

That you're still sleeping with your ex?

No!

Um, what?

-Babe listen okay,

It is not what you think.

I promise you that it can never be that.

I met you two years ago and you've been nothing but amazing.

Alright?

You've captivated my heart with your compassion,

with your love, with your kindness.

And oh now, this is not how I planned to do this speech.

What speech?

Listen, the thing is, since I met you two years ago,

Since I met you two years ago,

you've shown me love in a way that I've never experienced.

You've captivated my heart with your compassion,

with your kindness, with…

Oh No! I've forgotten my speech.

What speech?

Listen Chioma Amadi, what I'm trying to say to you is that

you've made me complete in a way

that I didn't think was humanly possible.

-When we're together,

I feel like we're whole.

And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I want to see you in the morning when I wake up,

and I want you to be by my side at night before I sleep.

And, I know everything might sound a little bit

munched up together, but what I'm trying to ask you is,

would you marry me?

What?

Yes. Would you be my wife?

-Is that a yes? -Yes.

-Your make up is all over my face -I know

Yes!

This is the part where you put the ring baby.

The ring.

Okay. So, um, the thing about it is like,

there's a ring, you know, but

Where is it?

Babe, I have the most beautiful ring for you,

but right now it's not with me.

So where is it?

-Where baby?

-You love me, right? -Yes.

Okay. Um.

Bisi swallowed it

Wait, what?

Neighbors!

Hey, God. This guy.

Help!

He kidnapped me, help!

Help.

Nonso, open this door please. Ahh

-What do you think you're doing?

Where did these ones come out from?

So Cynthia was aware of the whole plan from the beginning?

-Yes, I admit Cynthia, Jay, -Wow.

they both helped me plan the whole thing.

What's so amazing is she did not drop one hint.

I had no idea.

I would be surprised if she gave you a hint though.

Well, well that also means she can lie

and get away with it.

Relax.

But Babe for real, the ring,

what's going to happen?

Okay. So

I'm gonna get Jay to go to the pharmacy

to get some laxatives to give Bisi

so that she can get it out.

Wait, what?

Babe, are you really trying to give me

the ring she poops out?

Yeah. So what were you expecting?

What do you want me to do?

Umm, I don't know.

I was thinking maybe we forget that one in her stomach

and get me a new one.

Listen babe, that ring has so much sentimental value to me

because my mom gave it to me before she passed.

I wanted to give it to you because it's special to me.

Babe.

You're so sweet.

I love you.

I said it first.

I said it first.

So, what's the plan?

The instruction says one pill per dose.

Yeah.

But

But what?

I'm going to give her two or three.

-Why now? -What do you mean "Why now"?

For fast and furious quick action.

Shh.

Here you go. Laxatives.

"Here you go" Mad man!

You know I'm not going to take that, right?

And you can't force me.

Bisi, you need to take the laxative so you shit my ring out.

-It's my ring. -Come and make me shit it now.

Babe, wait.

Babe wait, babe wait.

She'll take it. You have to take it.

Listen, I got this. I got this. I got this.

Listen, Bisi.

-Just relax. -My ring.

There are two ways you can go about this, okay?

You can do this the easy way,

which is you take this laxatives right now.

You go into that toilet, you shit out my ring

and then we all live happily ever after.

Or the hard way is that I will call the police,

I will let them know that you broke into my house.

-You harassed me and my fiance. -Thief.

You stole my engagement ring

and you don't want to shit it out.

Trust me, they will arrest you.

But you know that that's a lie now.

I'll just claim innocence, please.

Don't lie against me, please in God's name.

You know that at the end of the day it's going to be your word against mine.

Ours!

-Four? -You don't even know anything yet.

That's what it says.

We don't have time please.

Will you keep quiet?

Hmm

What if I don't shit the ring?

-Hey! -Swallow!

Hope you are happy now? Mad people

Shit the ring.

You too will collect a shit ring?

If I'm thinking correctly.

Okay.

Guy, what is a baby's potty doing in your house?

See, remember my niece was here in December, right?

They forgot this and some other kiddies stuff there.

Yes, but what exactly do you want to do with this?

Oh shit!

Exactly. Now hold this.

Hope this works.

Bisi!

Bisi you can come in now.

All right, here you go.

Take now.

Nonso, It is like you are mad.

Something is wrong with you.

Wait, you want me to use baby potty?

Baby potty?

-How? -Where else do you want to use?

No, do you want to do it here

and then go into the sewers to look for the ring?

-Please hurry up.

Nonso, it's like you've forgotten.

You've forgotten I have a big butt.

Like, look at. It's like you have forgotten.

You can't remember right? you can't remember.

How am I supposed to use this big butt to sit down on this small potty?

I can't use this thing.

I'm not using this potty.

-Yes, you are. -I'm not.

-Bisi, yes, you are. -I said I'm not.

Bisi, yes you are. Hurry up.

I can't use this thing. Nonso, I can't use this rubbish.

You see? It looks like it's go time. Please hurry up.

Excuse me and do this thing, please.

This boy is crazy. This guy is mad.

I should sit down on a baby potty?!

Were you able to get it out?

You can go and check for yourself.

What?

Why are you staring at me like that?

Come on, man. Can you just go and--

No!

No!

-But-- -Don't even ask.

You are the one who owns the ring. Go and get your ring.

-But guy -Guy, Please!

I didn't find anything.

Can I go now?

Not until I find my ring, better sit down there.

Babe

Baby, I'm thinking instead of searching through her poop,

let doctor take it out surgically.

Let them remove it.

-Surgically? -Yes.

You know, that actually sounds like a better idea.

Okay.

As much as I'd like to stay and see how this turns out,

I have an early day at work.

At least some of us have jobs.

-Excuse me. -You're leaving?

-What? -Leave her alone.

Going to get my bag.

-Alright babe, thank you. -I'm gonna get my bag.

You know, this evening

went entirely differently from what I expected.

Really?

Yeah.

So you didn't think an ex-girlfriend would just

show up to dinner uninvited, swallow an engagement ring

and then have to poop it out.

Oh, that happens every day.

You know, speaking of dinner, I was wondering,

would you mind if I take you out sometime?

You know, Cynthia, if you keep giving me

that beautiful smile, I might just think I have a chance.

Oh please, stop.

I'm serious.

Well, This is me. I should get going.

Yes. Right after I get my answer.

-Please.

Fine. Dinner.

Yes?

Oh!

Thank you.

Let me get that for you.

So you can stay here for the night

and then in the morning you'll go to the hospital.

Ah! Hospital, for what?

What do you mean for what? To get this ring surgically removed.

Nonso, so you're just going to have them cut me?

Cut me?

To remove your ring?

Let me ask you.

What makes you think..

that I would undergo any surgery

just to have your ring removed?

Well, if you take a shit right now,

you wouldn't need to go to the hospital.

-Don't touch me, please.

-Wow, Bisi.

Damn!

Where is Chioma?

She's in the bedroom.

Okay.

How far? Give me your drink please.

Listen, Bisi is in the guestroom.

-Okay. -She's gonna spend the night there

and I'm going to need you to keep an eye on her.

So basically you're turning me to your guard now?

Jay, come on now.

-You try oh. -Jay, please now.

-Who are you texting? -Mm?

-Who are you texting? -Cynthia.

Oh, okay. That's a good one. I mean she's a catch.

Well, I wouldn't say we are there yet,

but I really like her.

The girl is fine.

So are you gonna help me?

Don't worry, I'll keep an eye out on her.

I'll make sure she doesn't go anywhere.

Alright.

Cool. Cool, no problem bro.

-Eyes sharp, bro. -Alright!

Evening oh, my good sister.

Please, where are we going?

Mr just check your app, please!

Ahah! Are we fighting?

I'm only just asking where we are going?

Mr, please, the destination should be on your app.

Don't ask me any silly question please.

It's there. Just leave me alone.

Even if it's there.

At least that one is phone.

This is human being to human being.

That's why I ask where are we going for confirmation.

Nobody has respect for anybody now

Why are you calling me now?

Sandra, how are you?

See, I know that we're quarreling and stuff but,

I just wanted to tell you I've hit the jackpot.

Jackpot? Did you play lottery?

Lottery as how? Shut up, please.

I'm not talking of lottery. I'm just saying that I'm like the latest,

I'm like the latest millionaire in town, like right now.

Like I'm a millionaire babe.

What's this about blood money now?

[in Pidgin] I just told you that I\Nhave made money. I'm okay.

Don't worry when I come home, I will give you the gist.

I am not home right now

Oh! And my bag is at Nonso's place.

My key is inside

You and Nonso are back together?

No, we are not back together.

I will give you the gist when I come back.

So where are you now?

I am on an out call service at Banana island.

I wanted to see if I can come and collect the key from you.

It is an overnight call

Ahhh! God oh!

Ermm, okay. You know what will happen?

I'll just book an hotel.

Please just send me thirty thousand Naira,

when I cash out tomorrow I'll give you back.

Okay. Thank you.

I'll see you later.

Madam, with all these farts,

don't shit in my own car oh.

Don't shit on my chair oh.

Who told you that I want to shit?

Which kind of nonsense talk is that?

Mr, just shut up and drive, please.

Oh, I should shut up and drive? I should shut up and drive?

Sorry oh, Rihanna.

Asking me who told you I want to shit.

Your fart told me you want to poop.

Your fart told me you want to shit.

I will shut up and drive.

I just want to let you know.

This shit matter, you don't need to shame for it.

If you wanna shit, speak up.

Speak up.

Mr, please just help me pull over please.

Why, what happened?

Please, I want to shit now.

Oh!

Oh! You're now doing as if shit have not dropped

from your butt before.

So you do shit?

I thought you have never shit before in your life

the way you're doing.

Someone would think shit has never dropped from your butt before.

Mr, If you don't, I'm going to shit on your car seat

I am begging you in the name of God, just pull over and park.

Please I want to shit.

Courtesy demands that if you want to tell me to park, you add please.

You add respect to it.

If you don't add respect how am I gonna park for you.

Mr please now! I am begging you. Please!

I'll poop here. It's coming out.

Mr, please park. Mr, pull over and park well

Wait, wait.

Wait, don't poop on my car seat.

Don't poop on my car seat oh.

-I am holding it in. -Don't poop.

-Now get out!

look at how poop has humbled a slay queen.

Evening.

Hello ma, welcome to Abiola Hotel.

Please, do you have any rooms?

Yes we do. We have standard room for ₦15,000

and a deluxe room for ₦22,000.

I'll take standard.

Okay ma. How are you paying?

-Cash, card or transfer? -I'll do transfer.

Okay.

Floor three

Door's opening.

Aunty, please I forgot the room number.

Room 305, third floor.

305? Thank you.

Ah! Hey! My butt!

This is the reception

How can I help you?

Hello, please do you have disposable gloves?

No we don't

Thank you.

How will a hotel like this not have hand gloves?

A hotel like this does not have hand gloves?

Ahh Bisi! You will dip your hand inside poop?

Poop? Ahhh

But it is my shit.

Bisi, don't have a second thought. It is your shit.

Just dip your hand in and search through the poop.

Oh God!

Oh my gosh.

Hi.

Hello. Good afternoon, ma'am.

So do you have like matching handbags?

The colors that can match these dresses?

Sure. We have yellow, we have burgundy, we have red.

We have all sorts ma'am.

-Bring everything. -Yes ma'am.

Bring everything. I'm here to spend money.

Like, I have money.

Oh my gosh. I'm a rich bitch.

Quickly.

I have other places to go shop.

It's all right.

Now, I took a second look at your vitals.

Luckily there's just the ankle sprain.

No concussion.

You'll be fine in a couple of days.

Thank you, doctor.

You're welcome.

Doctor wait.

Uhmm

There's something else.

What's that?

Last night I…

I swallowed my boyfriend's…

I swallowed my engagement ring

Well, how did it happen?

Ahh Doctor, it's a lot to talk about.

See doctor, it's a long story.

But please, can you remove it?

Well, first of all,

we'll have to do an Xray scan to see where the ring is

and then we'll figure out what to do from there.

Okay. Thank you, doctor.

You're welcome.

-Oh shit!

Wake up!

-Guy, wake up, man. -Guy leave me now.

Guy, are you crazy?

Guy, how far now? Why are you waking me up now?

What's up? Ah ah?

Guy, Bisi is gone.

Huh?

Gone how? How? How?

Don't ask me any stupid questions.

Guy you had one job, you were supposed to watch her.

What's this now?

Guy I'm sorry, man. I was

I'm sorry bro.

I heard you screaming from

I heard you screaming from the room. Are you okay?

-What is it?

-Bisi is gone.

What do you mean "gone"?

How?

-Sorry. -This dummy man.

Baby.

How are you feeling?

Doctor, I'm feeling much better.

Like I'm okay. I'm much better.

Good.

Well, we have the results of the Xray scan.

Well, you actually did

swallow something,

but I'm afraid,

It wasn't your engagement ring.

-Sir?

Can you see?

See?

It's a bone.

Did you by any chance eat fish last night?

Yes. But

That explains it.

The bone is stuck beyond your stomach,

somewhere in your intestines.

No. Doctor no, my ring is inside.

I'm sorry to disappoint.

Okay.

Ah! Nonso.

It won't be well with Nonso

Bone!

It's ring now.

Oh God! What kind of trouble is this?

So all that shit.

Nonso, It won't be well with you.

I will write for a gastroenterologist

at the National Specialist Hospital.

They will have to carry out an endoscopy on you

to remove the bone.

Okay? So that's it.

Ah! What kind of problem is this? Ah Nonso!

May thunder strike you! God will punish you.

-What?

Baby, I found it!

You found what?

-I found it. -You found what now?

Seriously, what did you find?

Wait! Where did you?

No ring. Ah, what kind of problem is this?

Hello, we helped you dry clean your clothes.

And here is your phone.

Leave me, please. Ah!

-Should I help you to pack?

Ah!

Me who has already told Sandra that I am a millionaire.

Ah, God! What will I do now?

Wait!

What did Bisi swallow?

You know what? I don't care.

You found the ring. Oh my God! I'm so happy.

And it's time for us to actually

do this the proper way, right?

-So

Can you hold this one please?

Chioma Amadi.

It's fine, forget about it.

-It's this. -Okay.

-Will you be my wife? -Yes. Yes.

Nonso, it will never be well with you.

Okay. Okay.

Let me get this straight.

So after dealing with all that shit,

It was a fish bone you swallowed?

I know right? I am really pained.

I don't even want to think too much about it.

Bisi, your village people have cast a spell on you.

Yes of course. Check it out.

After practically going through shit, eww!

You still lose the ring.

I didn't lose that ring, that ring is mine.

I didn't lose that ring at all

-I swear.

Sandra, I will need your help.

Huh?

Hello.

Hello is this Nonso?

Yeah, hello this is Nonso speaking. Who is this?

I am a nurse with the Lagos State Emergency Response.

I am at your fiance's apartment now, Chioma.

She fell down in the bathroom and she's in a very bad shape.

Can you come over now? Like right now.

Okay, right, I'll be there.

Okay, good.

Hold on babe, let me get this straight.

So a lady called and said

That you were in an accident and it was an emergency

and I needed to get here now.

That's weird.

Super weird.

Why would anyone do that?

I don't know.

I don't know.

No.

-Bisi. -No.

I mean, I don't think it's Bisi.

Why would she want to do that in the first place?

I dunno, maybe she's trying to get back at us

for the laxatives.

No.

But on a more serious note, I don't think it's Bisi.

If it was Bisi, first of all

I would have recognized her voice when she called.

How about that?

Look, I can't think of anyone else.

Did you call the number back?

Actually, no.

-Anyway. -Babe.

Let me try.

Anyway, I'm fine.

Glad you're here.

We apologize, this number can not receive calls

at the moment.

Please try again later. Thank you.

Inside, move.

Move.

-My friend! Inside. Go.

Move it.

Get down. Get down.

Sit here

Freeze. Don't move.

-Freeze! I said don't move.

Hey, you, come here. Move.

Move.

Now kneel down.

Kneel down.

Let's hurry, I don't like this

Yeah.

Please don't hurt us. Please, we'll give you anything you need.

I have money. I have fifty thousand Naira. Let me go and get it.

Stay there, I'll shoot you.

I'll shoot you now.

What if I want something that is not money?

It's another thing I want.

Please don't rape us!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Quiet. Keep quiet.

Hey, shut up.

Give me that your ring.

This ring on your hand.

This ring on your hand, I want it.

Give me the ring.

No, not that one. This one.

Yes. Give it me now.

God!

Take anything please,

why you want to take my engagement ring, please?

Just shut up.

I will shoot you oh.

Shoot her.

Give me the ring before I shot you.

-Give me, now. -Chioma, do you want to die?

See, me I don't want to die oh. Give them the ring now.

If that's what they want, give them.

This ring is so important.

It's my fiance's dead mom's ring.

It's the only memory he has of her. Please.

Give me that ring now before I shoot.

Shoot.

-Wait.

Chioma give them the ring. Chioma please, give them the ring.

Give them the ring.

Chioma, just give them the ring.

Chioma give them the ring.

Okay, wait!

Chioma, look at me.

Look, give them the ring.

Give them the ring.

Give them the ring.

Just take it off. She'll give it to you.

Take.

Let me see it.

So this is the ring you said it is worth millions?

How do you know the ring is worth millions?

Shut up.

Give me that ring.

Give me that ring. Nonsense girl, give me that ring.

I'll shoot you.

Give me that ring, I'll shoot you.

I will shoot you. Give me that ring.

Bisi?

-Bisi? -You again.

You again?

Ah!

We have been exposed. Bisi, I warned you.

Bisi, why are you doing this now?

Give me that ring now.

-Wait, listen, we'll come to an agreement. -Bisi I warned you

Give me that ring or I'll shoot you.

-No don't shoot. -I will shoot you.

Huh? Toy gun?

Toy gun. Toy gun.

No.

Get out.

Sandra!

Sandra.

Bisi welcome oh.

So you just left me and ran back home to come and eat Amala.

Oh please, I cannot kill myself because of a ring.

I cannot kill myself because of a ring.

So if those girls had killed me, what would you have said?

No problem.

Let me join you in eating some of the Amala.

You want to eat?

I am starving now

No, go back on your quest for ring.

Damn, those girls are so strong

See, Nonso has always been the kind of friend

you call when you're in trouble.

You can always count on him.

No matter how complicated the problem is,

Nonso is always first in line to lend a hand.

Chioma, he's found his match in you.

I'm so excited that you guys are taking the next step

in your relationship.

And I can't wait to be standing next to you

when you say your "I Dos."

Chioma, Nonso.

may your love be as deep as the ocean,

and your troubles… as light as its bubbles.

To the future bride and groom.

To Chioma and Nonso.

-Cheers guys

Cheers baby.

Get a room.

Oh my god!

Sorry guys, one minute.

Hey!

Hey.

You know, I know that look.

What look?

That look you gave me.

I know what it means.

What does it mean?

You want to kiss me right now, don't you?

I'd love to.

So what are you waiting for?