All language subtitles for 28 - Mona Sammy

Darrin.

Do you really remember our first date?

Are you kidding?
I'll tell you exactly what you wore.

It was a red silk dress
with buttons up the front.

It was pink, it was wool,
and it zipped up the side.

Pink, red, same difference.

We had dinner at The Lobster.

No, we wanted to have dinner
at The Lobster,

but you forgot to make the reservation,
so we ate at the Automat. What next?

Then we either went to a movie, a concert,

or took a walk along Fifth Avenue.
Who cares?

Somewhere, sometime that night

I kissed you for the first time.

Yeah. You do remember.

I think I'm getting sick to my stomach.

- Mother.
- Samantha, my darling.

Darwin. A celebration!

- It was, up until a second ago.
- Darwin... Darrin!

We were just having
the Tates over for dinner.

- Then why an anniversary cake?
- I got it for nothing from the baker.

Someone cancelled a party,

so we had to come up with an anniversary
to go with it, and we did.

Our first date.

Why not celebrate
the sinking of the Titanic?

What I'd really like to celebrate
is your departure.

- Sorry you can't stay for dinner.
- Thanks. I'd love to stay.

Mother, you don't really
want to stay for dinner.

No, but he just talked me into it.

A guest never comes empty-handed.

- This is for you, darling.
- Thank you, Mother. What is it?

Well, it's a little something that's been
cluttering up my closet for centuries.

I thought you might enjoy it.

Mother!

Mother, thank you.

- That looks almost like the Mona Lisa.
- And why not?

It was painted by the same artist,
Leonardo da Vinci.

- It can't be!
- You want to bet?

Sam, I don't mean to pry,
and it's probably none of my business,

but, well, is this...

You mean, you think that's... Silly boy.

That's my great-aunt Cornelia.
Isn't it, Mother?

Well, she wasn't a great aunt.
As a matter of fact,

I thought she was rather ordinary,
but she was very pretty, like Samantha.

Leo was mad about her.

Sweetheart,
I know it takes getting used to,

but the family was in Italy at the time,
and he rather liked us.

He liked anything in skirts, or out of
them. He was a sweet, dirty old man.

If I hadn't chaperoned Cornelia
while he was painting her,

she would have ended up as a centrefold
in the Galaxy Gazette.

There.

It adds a bit of class
to this bourgeois establishment.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like our old painting back.

I want to keep this house bourgeois
until this evening is over.

I'm not about to explain to our guests
about Leonardo and Aunt Cornelia.

Sam, are you sure it's Aunt Cornelia?

Would I lie to you, Darrin?
There's the doorbell.

I didn't hear any doorbell.

Why wait till the last minute?

That's a good-looking suit.

- Why don't you wear it at the office?
- Endora.

- Larry!
- Don't you look lovely!

Well, if it isn't the glamorous,
ever-popular Endora.

A simple curtsy will do.

- You're out of this world.
- You might say that.

Is that pot roast I smell?

Smell again.

Well, that's not pot roast. What is it?

- Lobster thermidor.
- Mother, that wasn't necessary.

It is if I'm staying for dinner, darling.

- Well, what'll you have?
- The usual.

Coming right up.

Why, Samantha, how lovely.

- What's that doing up there?
- It's hanging on a nail, dear boy.

What a beautiful likeness, Samantha.

And such a clever idea!
It's reminiscent of the Mona Lisa.

- Who did it?
- Leonardo da Vinci did it.

- Mother, stop fooling around.
- I meant Leonardo da Vinci did it first.

And Darrin copied it.

Darrin!

Beautifully, too, I might add.

Actually, an old friend of Darrin's did it.

A friend of yours, huh?
Then how come you signed it?

I signed it?

You son of a gun, you're good.

- You signed it.
- Darrin, it's remarkable.

Well, I guess it is kind of remarkable,
for an amateur.

Amateur?

Well, you're a master.

Behind every great man,
there's a mother-in-law to spur him on.

Well, Mother, in the future,

leave the spurring to me.

Dinner's ready.

Certainly, Mother.

- Thank you, Sam.
- Did you notice

that no matter where we moved
in the living room,

the eyes seemed to follow us?

It's just like the real Mona Lisa.
How'd you do it?

Well, if he told you, everybody would know.

That's right.
How was your golf yesterday, Larry?

Not bad. On the back nine I shot a...

- When did he paint it?
- Ages ago.

- You shot a what?
- A 45.

- You must be very proud of your son-in-law.
- Proud is hardly the word.

Forty-five isn't bad.
I wish Darrin would play more golf.

How can you say that?

Why, he should spend
every free moment painting.

- You're a brilliant artist, Darrin.
- No, not brilliant.

I'm just very good.

- This lobster thermidor is brilliant.
- Thank you.

Well, now, you can't compare the two.

I mean,
any good cook can make lobster thermidor.

Out of pot roast?

Mother was just making a little joke.

So, you shot a 45.

Can't we keep just one conversation going
at a time?

Darrin, why don't you paint more often?

Well, there is no explanation
except plain laziness.

- I'll buy that.
- Samantha, you should encourage him.

I do!

I've been after him for weeks
to paint the kitchen.

Well, that is not exactly
what I had in mind.

Do you know what a woman would give
to have a portrait like that?

Darrin, I think that's a subtle hint
setting you up for something.

- It is?
- Like your painting her picture.

- Would you, Darrin?
- He couldn't possibly.

That's right.

I have to paint the kitchen first.

Darrin, take it from a man who knows. There
are times when it's easier to say yes.

He'll do the picture, sweetheart.

Larry, you don't understand.
It's just not possible.

Look, Darrin. If I had your talent

and Sam asked me to do her picture,
I'd do it.

And you're not even my boss.

Now just think about that.

Be sure you bring everything you need.

Now, we'll see you tomorrow,
right after lunch.

- Night, Sam.
- Good night.

Mother!

You have done some pretty vile things
to Darrin in the past,

but what you did tonight was unforgivable.

- How could you be so cruel?
- Are you kidding, Sam?

She majored in cruelty
with the Marquis de Sade.

Not at all. He was just a classmate.

Endora, I've had it with you.
I mean, I've had it with you up to here.

If you are out to destroy Darrin's life,
you have almost succeeded.

Almost doesn't count.

The Marquis de Sade was
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm

compared to you.

I have been insulted
here for the last time.

You shall never see me again.

Promises! Promises!

Darrin, you have got to calm down.

Yeah, I've got to calm down.
If I calm down, I can think clearly,

and if I think clearly,
I'll come up with an answer.

- And I've come up with an answer.
- Good.

- I'll kill myself.
- Darrin.

All right, I won't kill myself. I'll...

What I'll do is I'll tell Larry the truth.
That painting is by Leonardo da Vinci.

I am a fraud. My wife is a witch,
and my mother-in-law is a...

- You wouldn't dare!
- Wouldn't I?

No. I wouldn't.

All right. I'm fresh out of ideas.

Well, I'm not.
Anything Mother can do, I can do better.

- Are you suggesting...
- Just one teensy little spell.

Enough to get that picture painted.
Now, I'll go with you to the Tates,

- and you can use my paints...
- No! No!

From this moment on,

all spells, hexes, incantations, etcetera
and so forth are strictly forbidden.

Any mention and/or use of said devices
by any member of this family

- is punishable by...
- I'll get you a tranquiliser.

I don't want a tranquiliser. I want an
answer. Now, how do I get out of this?

Well, you could break your right arm.
You can't paint with a broken arm.

- Yeah, where's the hammer?
- Darrin, I was just kidding.

All right, I won't break my arm.
I'll pretend I broke it.

I'll go to an orthopaedic man,
and I'll rent a cast.

That's a great idea.

All you have to do is wear that cast
until Louise forgets about the painting,

which will be never.

Okay. I've got one last suggestion,
and this has got to work.

- What?
- You'll put a spell on me.

I wish I'd thought of that.

- Come in!
- Well, Louise!

- My goodness, that is really something.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- You should thank him.

The money that went for that dress
was Darrin's Christmas bonus.

Larry, will you stop exaggerating?

It's really very
reasonable, for what it is.

Sure! If you're going to be crowned
Queen of England, it's a steal.

I hope you don't mind my coming along.

Darrin likes to have me around
when he starts a painting.

We can pass the time
playing gin or something.

Gin it is. Penny a point.

Maybe I can win back
the price of that dress.

You're on. Shall we set up?

- Where do I sit?
- Anyplace. I don't care.

Where would you like
your easel, sweetheart?

Wherever you think.

What kind of an attitude is that?
"Sit anywhere, put it wherever you think."

Look, Darrin,
if you're going to slough it off...

He's not. He's not. I promise you. It'll
turn out at least as well as my painting.

Well, let's get the show on the road.
Samantha, would you get the paints

- out of the box?
- Oh, sure.

And, let's see, I'll need a table here
and my turpentine over there.

The brushes here.

I think the easel over there.

How do you set this fool thing up?

You picked up a seven of clubs,
a five of diamonds and a king of hearts.

- You sure you know how to play this game?
- Throw a card.

- Sam, I'm ready to paint.
- Then paint.

- What are you bothering her for?
- Well, he can't... Unless I kiss him first.

It's kind of a tradition,
like launching a ship.

Well, just hold the kiss for a minute.

Now, this card has to be safe.

Gin.

You caught me with 70 points.

- Sam.
- Coming, sweetheart.

Louise, that really is lovely.

- Let's get the show on the road.
- Just relax, sweetheart.

- I don't feel anything.
- You will in a minute.

- You got me on a blitz.
- Well.

Pretty lucky for a beginner.

- He's painting like he's got a demon in him.
- Well, he does, sort of.

Now, concentrate on the game.

- Can I have one little peek?
- You can see it when it's finished.

Sam. Oh, Sam!

Stop bothering her. I'm being blitzed!

Gin.

I give up.

Between that dress and my gin losses
this free painting's costing me a fortune.

- I'm telling you, it better be good.
- Where are you going?

I'm gonna take a look at it.

No, not now. Not yet.
I want Sam to look at it first.

Let him see it, Darrin.

No, it's...

- May I take a look at it, too?
- Not yet, sweetheart.

You must be exhausted from sitting so long.
Why don't you go upstairs and lie down?

Well, I'm not tired.
And I want to see my painting.

Well, if you're not tired,
why don't you get us some coffee?

- Is something wrong, Larry?
- I said get us some coffee.

I'm going. I'm going!

Well, isn't that

- interesting?
- The word is insulting.

- Larry, I told you I was out of practice.
- Are you kidding?

If this is supposed to be some kind
of a practical joke, you missed the mark.

Now, wait. Wait, Larry.

I mean, isn't it interesting how the eyes

follow you wherever you go.

From my angle,
the eyes are looking at each other.

Darrin, I'm surprised that you would
indulge in such a tasteless prank.

- Well, Larry, I...
- Ex-friends call me Mr Tate.

I thank you to leave and take

that atrocity with you.

Mother!

"Dropped by to say hello.

"Esmeralda told me you were at the Tates'.
Love, Mother.

"P.S. This note will self-destruct
before you can say..."

She can't even keep her word.

She said she was never
coming back here again.

I guess she couldn't resist
just one last funny.

I thought your mother couldn't change
one of your spells.

Well, she didn't change it.
She just added to it.

- Louise, I'm trying to spare your feelings.
- It can't be as bad as you say.

But believe me, it is.
Now please, let's go home.

No!

I want to see my painting.

Louise, you've been the victim
of a very bad joke.

And that's putting it very delicately.

I will be the judge of that.

- Now what'll we do?
- Let them in.

I think I can subtract
Mother's little addition.

- Hi. Did I forget something?
- Yes. You forgot to show me my painting.

That was not very nice of you
to rush off like that.

I'll never forgive you for this.

Samantha, is there any reason
why I should not see my painting?

None that I can think of.

You're not only fired,
but I'll make it my life's work

to see to it that you're never hired
anyplace, anytime, anywhere.

How can you call this a bad joke?

- Well, he repainted it.
- Don't be ridiculous.

He got here just two minutes before we did.

- What are you crying about?
- Because you called it an atrocity,

and it looks exactly like me.

Louise. Louise.

It's a compliment, Louise.

No. You see, what he's saying is
that nothing could come close

to your real inner beauty.

After all, a canvas is one-dimensional,

and you are a lovely, vibrant,
exciting, three-dimensional woman.

Really, Larry?

- Would Sam lie to you?
- I can't take my eyes off me.

How did you change it?

Larry, I give you my solemn word,
I did not change it.

- That is not the same face.
- Well, of course it is.

You know what I think it was? You were
upset because I blitzed you at gin,

and in the stress and anger of the moment,
well, you just weren't seeing things clearly.

It can happen. Ask any psychiatrist.

- I'd like to believe that.
- Darrin?

I know it's asking too much,

but, well, you're so talented,
and you paint so quickly,

- and Larry's birthday is coming up...
- Absolutely not.

Darrin, I like your spunk,

but as your boss, don't forget,
I hold your fortune in my hand.

Sweetheart, I guess we'll just
have to tell them the truth.

Sam, are you crazy?

Now, I am not
going to go through this again.

- Sam!
- The doctors made him give it up

because of this rare
allergy he has to paint.

- That truth.
- He looks okay to me.

Wait.

It hasn't gotten all the way
into his bloodstream yet.

In just a moment he'll begin to

sneeze.

And it gets worse.
He develops a nervous tic.

- It'll go away in a minute.
- That's terrible.

Sam, don't ex...

aggerate.

My psy...

- chiatrist?
- Yeah.

He says that my...

My, my...

Forget it. Forget it.
If I want a picture, I'll use my Brownie.

- Now, you just take it home and enjoy it.
- I will. I will.

I'm so sorry about poor Darrin.

Yeah, well, don't worry about him.
A day in bed, and he'll be just fine.

- Take it easy, feller.
- I

sure will.

- Wow. So long, Sam.
- Yeah, Larry. Bye-bye, Louise.

Bye.

Sam...

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

- Was all that absolutely necessary?
- Well, it worked, didn't it?

Sam, there's got to be a reason.
It just can't be plain meanness.

Why does your mother behave
the way she does?

Well, I'm not sure, sweetheart.

Mother's like a kid.
She likes to play those silly pranks.

But she's not a kid.

A woman her age should settle down,

take up basket weaving
or croquet or something.

You forget, Mother is ageless.

Yeah.

Like mother, like daughter.

I'll...

I'll put that in the attic
first thing in the morning.

Sam, is that really your
great-aunt Cornelia or is it you?

I said it was my great-aunt Cornelia.

Well, if you say so.

But I was just thinking.

Even if it is your great-aunt Cornelia,

you could have been painted
by Toulouse-Lautrec or Renoir.

- Don't tell me you weren't around then.
- So?

So you look the same then as you do now.

Well, sweetheart, I can't help that.
It's my metabolism.

But I'm thinking ahead.

If you look the same then as you do now,

thirty years from now,
you'll still look the same.

And me, I'll look like
I'm supposed to look.

Paunchy, wrinkled, maybe bald.

It'll be embarrassing when this old man
takes this young chick for a walk.

- What'll people say?
- People will say,

"I bet that old man
has some pretty young ideas

"to keep that chick interested."

Yeah.

Yeah!