Original subtitles

He swings and misses for strik e three, and there are two away...

...here in the sixth inning, the bags loaded with Redlegs.

- I'm ready. - Ready for what?

My first driving lesson.

Honey, the Sox are loaded in the bottom of the sixth inning.

But I thought you were so anxious...

He's bringing in the left-hander. It's going to be the old...

- Okay, you can talk now. - Thank you.

I thought you were so anxious to teach me.

I am. I mean, I was until I found out they were gonna televise the game.

I'd be willing to forget the whole thing.

After all, why should I learn how to drive when I know how to fly?

We've been through all this. You should learn to drive...

...because the way you fly is for the birds.

Look at it this way: I get where I wanna go faster...

...I save money on gas and oil and I always find a parking space.

You should learn how to drive...

...because a normal wife uses normal transportation.

It's part of the American dream.

All right. All right, you win. But teach me now...

...so I can start dinner early. - As soon as the game is over.

Watching baseball on Sunday afternoon is part of the American dream too.

Okay, fans, we're set for more live action...

...here at Cincinnati's historic Crosley Field.

Now the crafty left-hander gets the sign. And then...

I can't believe it. It's raining.

It's pouring down in the proverbial buck ets.

Oh, look at this. I can't believe it. Look at that massive...

They'll cancel and reschedule.

- Okay, I'll teach you how to drive. - Yes, sir.

Okay, honey, you sit in the driver's seat.

You comfortable? Relaxed?

Yes and no.

- Clarification. - I'm comfortable, but I'm nervous.

I'll relax you with a kiss.

Now, we proceed as follows:

Put your left hand on the wheel...

...and with your right hand go like this:

What's that for?

That's the classic gesture without which no woman driver can learn to drive.

After you become more advanced, I'll teach you...

- Newfangled gadgets? - Well, they're new to me.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. Well, we'll start here.

This is the gear selector.

P is for Park. R, Reverse.

N, Neutral. D, Drive. L, Low. You try it.

P for Park. R for reverse. N, Neutral. D, Drive. L for Low.

- We'll start with Neutral. - Did I get them all right?

- Yes. - I bet you thought I wouldn't...

...because I'm so nervous. - May I continue?

- Neutral is... - Please do, I'm sorry I interrupted.

- Neutral is... - It won't happen again.

Neutral is where you place the lever when you wanna start the car.

How come it isn't called S or SC?

I don't know. Next, you to go to Drive.

Drive is where you put the lever when you wanna go forward.

- In that case, why don't they call it F? - Because they don't.

Darrin, that's no answer. If you want me to understand, you have to explain.

Excuse me. I don't know why they don't call it F.

- That's better. - Low is infrequently used...

...so we'll table that for later discussion.

We'll go directly to Reverse. Can you guess what Reverse is for?

- For reversing lanes in traffic. - Wrong. For going backward.

Backward should be B. These initials are illogical.

Having mastered the gear positions, here's the ignition key.

They call it ignition because it ignites the engine.

The engine ignites? Isn't that dangerous?

I'm beginning to lose patience. If you challenge every statement I make...

...this driving lesson could take a year. Therefore, please keep quiet.

Now, put the key in the ignition.

Put the lever in Neutral.

Turn the key to the right to start the car.

Take off the brake. Put the lever in Reverse.

Put your right foot on the accelerator and back out of the driveway.

- Just like that? - Just like that.

Backing out of the driveway is hard. Why don't you turn the car around...

...and let me front out. - No.

- Why not? - I don't feel like it.

I see. You feel like being mean.

Sam, I'm not being mean, I'm merely...

Yes, you are. You're being high-handed and rude...

...and you even told me to shut up. - I did not, I told you to keep quiet.

- It's the same thing. - It is not.

It is too. Your entire attitude is unsympathetic...

...and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt you don't love me and never did.

- Sam... - Don't you touch me.

The lesson is over, and I am going into the H for house.

It's incredible. The playing field here in Cincinnati...

...is in danger of being washed away by a flash flood.

In all the years I've been broadcasting, I've never seen...

Oh, hold everything! It stopped raining.

Crosley Field is saved, as if by magic.

I do believe the umpires will be out here in just a moment...

...to tak e a look at this field...

Hello, sweetheart. This is your husband, D.

- D for dearest or D for darling? - D for dumb.

I'm sorry I yelled at you in the car yesterday.

You apologised already, remember?

Yeah, I remember. Anyway, I called a driving school...

...and made a tentative appointment for you at 11:00.

If that's all right with you, I'll confirm it.

You sure you want me to do this?

By all means. And don't be nervous, sweetheart...

...this time you'll be in the hands of a professional.

- I'm sure everything will be fine. - All right, darling. Whatever you say.

Bye.

Reliable Driving School.

Oh, yes, Mr. Stephens, yeah.

You understand it's 10 bucks a lesson, including home pickup and delivery?

Yes, I remember. I just called to verify...

...Mrs. Stephens' 11:00 appointment. - Fine.

Eleven this morning will be fine. Let me have that address, please.

It's 1164 Morning Glory Circle.

Fine. Well, thank you, Mr. Stephens.

I'll send Mrs. Stephens one of the best instructors in the business. Thank you.

Harold, you bum, come here.

Yes, Basil?

Due to the condition that my competent instructors are booked solid...

...I'm gonna give you one last chance to redeem yourself.

Oh, I can't tell you how grateful I am. Sincerely...

All right, now, don't grovel. If you weren't my wife's brother...

...I wouldn't give you nothing. - Oh, I'm not unmindful of that, Basil.

As you know, I got three other married sisters.

But you're the only brother-in-law...

...that I feel any sense of communication with.

Yeah, because their suits don't fit you.

It's a nice fit, thank you.

That's what I mean, you are basically a good human being.

Has Sheila ever talked to you about what it was like...

...when we were kids at home with Mom?

Sheila talks all the time, I don't listen.

It was a world of Little Women.

Four sisters, Mother and Aunt Adelaide.

No wonder Dad reported himself missing in action...

...during the last unpleasantness. I mean, it was just so much.

Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it!

I don't know how Sheila talked me into this.

You're too nervous for this kind of work. But you are the only thing I've got...

...so you are gonna teach a Mrs...

...Savannah Stephens how to operate a motor automobile.

And you are gonna teach her good.

And if you fail, our mutual relative irregardless and notwithstanding...

...you are fired!

And stop eating cookies when I'm giving you an assignment!

- Basil, this isn't a cookie. - No, what is it?

A tranquilliser.

I need such a big one, the doctor prescribes it in the form of a wafer.

- I'm Reliable. - That's good.

My name's Samantha Stephens.

Aren't you gonna tell me yours?

- Harold Harold here. - Hello, hello there.

I'm sorry, but it is rather an unusual name.

By the time Mother named my sisters, she was exhausted.

Well, I see.

Would you like to join me in a cup of coffee?

Do you think we can both fit?

I always like to open with a joke to break the tension.

Good idea.

- Won't you have a seat? - Yes.

How do you take it?

Black. One third of a cup.

- Why only one third? - To protect the carpet.

- Here. - Thank you.

- I see what you mean. Cookie? - Oh, l... No, thanks, I brought my own.

Mr. Harold?

How long have you been an instructor?

Three gruelling weeks.

What did you do before that?

Well, last month I was a cashier in a pizza parlour.

And the month before, I was an apprentice plumber.

And the month before that...

...I was a cheap shoe salesman.

Four jobs in four months?

I have four brothers-in-law who take turns hiring and firing me.

It's a vicious circle. And that's why I tend to be insecure.

- Hello? - Hi, honey.

I'm calling to find out if your teacher showed up.

- Oh, yes, he's here. - He is? What's he like?

Well, I'd say he's a man of considerable experience.

As long as I know you're in good hands, I won't keep you. Happy driving.

Thank you, darling. Bye.

That was my husband. He called to wish me good luck.

We'll need it.

- Well, shall we go? - I guess.

- Do I get in here? - Oh, no.

You get in on the driver's side, Mrs. Stephens.

Some students take one look at me and refuse to get in the car.

- Not me. I like you. - They worry about accidents.

I've always felt I have what they call a charmed life.

Oh, good.

Thanks.

Ready?

- Ready. - Oh, dear.

N is for Neutral, where you place lever to start car.

It is. You'd think they'd call it S or SC.

Turn ignition key to ignite car.

- Ignite car? - That's right.

D for forward.

You're too far to the left.

Too far to the right!

- Now you're too far in the middle. - How can I be too far in the middle?

By straddling the white line.

- What white line? - Well, get over.

Now you're too far right again!

Please don't, Harold, you're making me nervous.

I make you nervous? Mrs. Stephens, you make me nervous.

- And I was nervous first. - That's true. I apologise.

Thank you. At the next intersection, slow down...

...execute the appropriate hand signal and turn right.

Stop! I said, stop!

I told you to turn right.

Well, it was one way, the wrong way.

Touch�. However, you should've gone straight ahead...

...because this is a business district with actual traffic. So back up.

- There's a car behind us. - Well, signal it to pass.

Oh, all right, plunge onward.

Selfish! Selfish!

Good morning.

- He ordered you to halt. - He did?

I thought he was saying hello.

- That's all Basil has to see, a ticket. - Who's Basil?

Mrs. Stephens, don't talk, drive.

How am I doing?

How to phrase it tactfully? You are rotten.

Be careful, there's a moving van up ahead!

- What happened? - Everything's fine.

- We're going the other way. - Well, I'll make a U-turn.

No. Don't. Not here. There's no room.

- You did it. - This is a lot harder than flying.

You fly? And you don't know how to drive?

- Well... - Stop. I can't stand another minute.

All right.

All right, I'll park.

- Where? - Here.

- Why, there's barely room for a bicycle. - We're fine, Mr. Harold.

- There's nothing to be nervous about. - Who's nervous?

P for Park.

- How did you do that? - She's a witch.

- Who said that? - Who said what?

- I heard a voice from the back seat. - Maybe it's another witch.

- The back seat is empty. - It is?

Look again.

I hear a voice, but I don't see a body.

Mother, will you please stop playing games.

Will you please behave yourself.

- Are you talking to me? - No...

...to me.

Mother, you're embarrassing me and confusing Mr. Harold.

You're a ventriloquist, right?

- Not exactly. - Oh, Samantha, you can fly.

Why on earth do you bother with this ridiculous contraption?

Mr. Harold, please don't go, just ignore her.

Ignore whom?

- Well... - Say no more, Mrs. Stephens.

I knew it was coming. I finally cracked. I'll turn myself in.

- What should we do with the car? - Burn it.

Sheila. Aunt Adelaide. Mom!

- Mother, you put that back. - Must I?

It's Mr. Harold's car.

He is high-strung, isn't he?

You should be ashamed. You got that poor dear man talking to himself.

I know. And I'm sure it's a fascinating conversation.

- Darrin, it was all my fault. - Sweetheart, you were doing your best.

But Mother was in one of her prankish moods.

- You mean your mother was there too? - Well, she was and she wasn't.

After I drove into the moving van and parked the car and made the U-turn...

...Mother got a case of the cutes. - What's that mean, exactly?

You know. She kept popping in and out.

- Oh, boy, that poor guy. - That's what I mean.

I'd hate to think he'd lost his job because of me.

- So do you mind coming with me? - Where?

- To Reliable. I'll drive. - No thanks.

I'll drive.

Yeah, tell him that I've been paying the same rent for nine years...

...and that's as high as I'm gonna go.

Greetings, folks. Excuse the cramped quarters, but it's only temporary.

We're Mr. And Mrs. Stephens. We brought back your car.

- Oh, thanks. - You're welcome.

Is instructor Harold here?

Former instructor Harold is in the back, cleaning out his desk.

Excuse me. Reliable Driving School.

Yes, Miss Anderson, could I have that address?

Certainly. We've been serving the community for years.

- Hi. - Hi.

Have a wafer, Mr. Harold.

- This is my husband, Mr. Stephens. - Hi.

Hi.

- There's something I have to tell you. - Peachy.

Don't ask me to go into detail, it's kind of complicated...

...but that voice you heard in the car was Mrs. Stephen's mother. She's...

Well, sometimes I can't see her myself.

- And he's her son-in-law. - Big deal.

It is. It proves that although there's plenty wrong with her...

...there's nothing wrong with you. - Why not let bygones be bygones...

...and continue my driving lessons. - Sorry.

I'm hanging up my helmet.

I'm gonna seek my livelihood in a field that offers a little more human dignity.

- Like what? - I don't know.

Maybe begging for pennies on skid row.

Why, Mr. Harold, you can't quit just because one of minor disaster.

- I can't? - You can't keep going from job to job...

...or you'll tend to be insecure forever.

You have to stick to your wheel and see it through. Right?

- Right. - Wrong.

Thanks, kids, for your interest, but you don't understand.

I'm not quitting.

I was fired, for a change.

Mrs. Stevenson, as a special concession...

...I'm going to teach you to drive myself.

No, thank you. I'd rather be taught by Mr. Harold.

Mr. Harold is no longer in the firm. He deserted while on duty...

...and abandoned his vehicle at the mercy of a rank beginner.

She didn't move that car one inch after Mr. Harold left.

She called me at my office, I came right over and...

That ain't the point! Mr. Harold wasn't only fired for that.

As a driving instructor in general, he stinks.

That's not true, he's excellent. And if you don't hire him back, I'II...

I'll take my husband's money someplace else.

Okay, okay. You found my Achilles heel.

You're back in the organisation...

...on a trial probation.

On behalf of myself and my sisters...

What I mean is, there are times when mere words aren't enough.

Thank you.

Don't worry if I'm not here when you get home.

- I have a lesson this afternoon. - A lesson?

Yes, my basket-weaving.

Basket-weaving? You didn't tell me anything about that.

I found the most wonderful class where they teach you to how to weave things.

Baskets, carpets, all sort of things.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Stephens. - Hi.

Just popped by. My student's waiting at the curb...

...champing at the bit, you might say. What time's class?

- Five-thirty. Will you be there? - I wouldn't miss it. Bye, all.

- Well, well. - What was that all about?

I told Harold about my basket-weaving class. It's done wonders for him.

He's given up wafers, he stands up to his brother-in-law.

There's even talk of making him a partner.

- What time did you say that class was? - Five-thirty, why?

I'll see you there.

Good.