Original subtitles

Oh, my stars.

"The Purple Panthers, a motorcycle gang...

invaded a peaceful love-in last night at Union Park...

causing a riot.

- When the police arrived..." - Coffee ready?

All poured.

- I'll get the toast. - Just coffee this morning, honey.

I can't figure this one out.

- What, dear? - It's supposed to be a picture...

of some trouble at a love-in.

Well, maybe it was out of sight.

May I have my paper, please?

Oh, never mind. I'm late anyhow.

- Bye, hon. - Bye-bye, sweetheart.

Bye.

Was this trip necessary?

Yes. And it's just a local stop on your way back...

to your freak-out in Soho.

Sam, why are you bugging me?

I was having a perfectly groovy time in jail.

I know.

I was leading my cellmates in a love chant.

Serena, I read all about your escapades in the paper.

And if it hadn't been for a little artful dodging, Darrin would have too.

- So? - Well...

It's just that Darrin's a little old-fashioned about some things.

But, Sammy, I'm preaching one of the most old-fashioned things around.

Love, love, love.

Hi.

Hi, Auntie Serena.

Tabatha, sweetie.

Sammy, she misses me.

Auntie Serena play music?

Of course Auntie Serena will play for you.

Not now, Serena.

Why don't you come back a little later...

say, about 10 years later?

It's a good thing I know you're kidding.

Come on, Tabatha.

Auntie Serena will teach you a little "Rock-a-Bye Baby"...

to a rock-'n'-roll beat.

Louise?

How long is it since you've seen Samantha?

Oh, gosh, about a month.

In fact, I was thinking of calling to find out what she's been up to.

I think I can tell you.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

- I can't believe it. - Well, neither can I.

- That can't be Samantha. - No? Then who is it?

You will never convince me that one of my best friends...

if not my very best friend...

- has suddenly become a hippie. - Not so suddenly.

You said you hadn't seen her for a month.

A person can't change their entire character in a month.

Really? You changed yours in a day.

- What? - The day we got married.

Do you have any idea what this kind of publicity...

could cost McMann & Tate?

Larry, it's all right if you make a fool of yourself in front of me.

I married you, for better or for worse.

But promise me you won't say a word to Darrin.

Are you kidding? Give me credit for a little sense.

- Good morning. - Morning.

- How's Samantha? - Fine.

Good.

It's been so long since Louise and I have seen you and Sam...

I wondered if you'd like to get together for a little bridge tonight.

At your place.

You're invited.

Fine.

Now, can we discuss the Giddings Tractor account?

- Tomorrow. - But Giddings is coming in tomorrow.

I wanna know if I'm handling his account.

I said, tomorrow.

Now, let's not talk business during office hours.

Bye-bye. See you tonight.

- Why did he have to pick tonight? - I don't know.

He kind of invited himself. I didn't know how to get out of it.

Well, sweetheart, I love having them. It's just that...

Well, tonight's a little awkward.

Why? Did you ask someone else?

Cute, huh?

Serena!

You called, O square one?

What are you doing here?

- She was singing Tabatha a lullaby. - That's a lullaby?!

Number one on the charts. Where you been?

I'll tell you where. I've been under the impression...

it was clear you're not welcome in this house.

- Watch it, sweetheart. - No, I'll handle this.

As far as Tabatha's concerned, I forbid you to sing...

- your so-called lullaby. - Cousin-in-law...

when you use words like "forbid" to me, smile.

I was perfectly happy cooling it in the cooler till Sam zapped me out.

You were what?

It isn't important, sweetheart.

Don't put me down, coz. It was important enough...

for my picture to be on the front page of the paper.

Now I get it.

"Riot at love-in."

You zapped her picture out of the paper this morning.

Well, I didn't want you to worry, sweetheart.

And that explains Larry. He must've seen that picture too.

He thought it was you. No wonder he kept asking, "How's Samantha?"

And that kook laughs.

- What did you call me? - Kook!

Sammy, does Tabatha like artichokes?

- Now, Serena... - Tell him he's going too far, Sammy.

Darrin, you're going too far.

I'll go even farther by suggesting that you go a little farther.

Like back where you flew from.

- Someday you'll say you're sorry. - Oh, Serena, he didn't mean it.

Oh, Darrin, I wish you hadn't done that.

It worked, didn't it? She's gone.

But not for long.

- Hi, Louise, Larry. - Hi, Samantha.

Hi.

Well, come on in. It's been too long.

Darrin's helping me fix some snacks. We'll only be a moment.

- Let me have your coats. - Thank you.

Fix yourselves a drink.

See how wrong you were, Larry?

- You were wrong. Admit it. - Okay, I was wrong.

But you'll have to admit, whoever it was sure looked like...

Samantha.

Where have we seen that before? Like in this morning's paper?

Sweetheart, there are mornings when you don't get to read the paper.

This could've been one of those for Larry.

So why bring it up if it isn't necessary?

Why?

Well, what of it? Lots of people have guitars.

Not many guitars have all that psychotic paint on them.

That's "psychedelic."

Put it down.

Sam, Darrin, I was just wondering...

Before we start, why not watch our Springer Pet Food commercial?

- It's on just after the news. - Good idea.

Fine.

You don't have your drinks. I'll get them.

How about the boys playing the girls tonight, huh?

And for our final human predicament...

we switch our scene to the county jail...

where the elite of hippie society is now in residence.

Hippies and the police have had an active relationship in the past...

but nothing quite as active as today...

when the high priestess of the movement...

did a vanishing act from the jail cell that would have baffled Hou...

The darndest thing.

Samantha's cousin Serena turned hippie.

Oh, her cousin, eh?

- We do look very much alike. - Do you?

Deal.

Right. Five-card stud. Jacks or better to open.

- Darrin, we're playing bridge. - Oh, right.

They just look alike.

They always have looked alike. They always will.

It's one of Mother Nature's nasty tricks.

But Sam is Sam and Serena is Serena.

And Sam couldn't be Serena if she tried, and vice versa.

- I'd like to believe you, Darrin. - Why would I lie to you?

If Louise turned hippie, I'd lie to you.

And I'd understand. But in this case, it just doesn't happen to be true.

Scout's honour?

That's a load off my mind.

And to show you what kind of a sport I am for making a mistake...

I accept your apology...

if you'll accept mine.

Okay, joke's over. Mr. Giddings will be here any minute.

Every man in the office wants this account.

But you're gonna get it. You know why?

- Why? - Because you speak his language.

Language? I hope he isn't Italian. I've been through that.

He's early American. All the old-fashioned virtues.

Man of the soil, all that nonsense.

It's probably him. Yes?

Mr. Giddings is waiting in your office, Mr. Tate.

Thank you.

I'll go get him, set him up...

then it's your bale of hay. So start pitching.

Darrin, say howdy to Mr. Giddings. Darrin Stephens.

- Howdy, sir. - Howdy.

- Won't you sit down, sir? - Thank you.

Tate here tells me that you were brought up on a farm.

- That's right, sir. - Good.

- Family man, I suppose. - Indeed he is.

Darrin's married to a fine, young early-American-type lady.

Bakes her own bread...

right in the old stone hearth.

Home-baked bread?

Well, Mr. Stephens, you're a very lucky man.

- Yes? - Mr. Stephens...

your wife is here to join you for lunch.

My wife? I didn't have a date with Samantha.

Just tell her to run along.

Since when does a wife have to make a date with her husband?

I'd be mighty pleased to have her go along.

Send her in.

Home-baked bread, huh?

Hi, sugar.

Pops.

This is a girl who bakes her own bread?

Oh, now, cut that out.

- Mr. Giddings, Larry, this is... - Have you flipped?

Since when do you have to introduce me...

to snow-white and handsome?

Stop it, Sam.

This is Mr. Giddings of Giddings Tractor.

Giddings Tractor and his Psychedelic Six.

Man, I play your records all the time.

Tate, is she out of her mind?

Compliments will get you everywhere, you old charmer.

Please, Serena. This is no place for games.

You're making a fool of yourself.

He's blown his cool. Always does when he's hungry.

Hey, listen, I know a groovy little beanery...

called the Double Bubble.

Cut it out, Sam. A joke's a joke.

She's not Sam. She's Serena.

Mr. Giddings, what do you think of a man...

who denies knowing his own wife?

Well, under certain circumstances, young lady, I can understand it.

Why are you doing it, Sam?

Man, that straight life can be a drag.

A girl's got to have...

her kicks.

Oh, for heaven sakes.

Mr. Giddings, I'm sorry. There's been some terrible misunderstanding.

Come on. We'll go into my office...

- You... - I told you, baby.

When you put the knock on love, you asked for a mess of trouble.

Well, you're...

Where is she? Where is she?

- Sam, where are you? - Sam?

Serena. She's gone. She left.

- I didn't see her go. - She must've gone through the...

Why ask for answers at a time like this?

No, you're right. Giddings is out there trembling with rage.

Now tell me, how are we gonna explain Sam to him? How? How?

- Larry, listen... - I'm listening, I'm listening.

It's simple. We tell him the truth.

That that was Serena, Sam's kooky cousin...

and she has a very weird sense of humour.

I didn't get to be head of an advertising agency...

without stretching the truth now and then. I might honestly say...

that I'm one of the best truth-stretchers in the business.

But don't ask me to try to sell a cockamamie story like that.

Larry, that girl that was in here was Serena...

Remember, you're talking to your best friend.

Sam is in bad shape.

Louise's cousin is a psychoanalyst. Now, just let me give him a call.

Guess there's no sense in trying to explain it to you, is there?

You just won't give up, will you?

- Larry, I'm sorry we lost the account... - The account?

Who cares about the account?

It's you I care about.

You...

and that poor little girl who used to be Samantha.

- Larry... - Darrin...

why didn't you confide in your old Uncle Lar?

Don't you know that Louise and I are behind you 100 percent?

- Swell. Then come to dinner tonight. - Dinner?

I'll have Samantha and Serena together...

Darrin, will you please stop this charade?

Humour me just one more time.

Please?

Please?

Of course.

You poor kid.

Serena.

Serena...

will you come here?

I know you can hear me.

- It's no use. - Sam, what am I going to do?

I promised Larry Serena.

I warned you. She can be a stubborn girl.

Honey, I had no choice. Larry was driving me crazy.

- I have it. - What?

If the real thing won't come along, I can always do this.

Serena.

Sam.

That's marvellous. That is marvellous.

Except I can't be both of us at the same time.

Larry and Louise. But, Sam, the table's set for five.

What happens when the four of us sit with the five of us?

I don't know. I'm a witch, not a magician.

You go let them in.

- Yeah, I'll go let them in. - Yes.

- Come on in, come on in. - Hello, Darrin.

- Good evening. - Hi, Louise, Larry.

- Let me take that, Louise. - Oh, thank you, thank you.

- Here you are. - Larry. All right.

Hi, beautiful people.

Hi.

You remember Louise Tate, don't you, Serena?

- Oh, yeah, sure. Hi, Louise. - Hi.

Congratulations, cotton-top. You got a wild-looking chick there.

Serena, explain to Larry why you acted the way you did this afternoon.

Oh, yeah. Well, you see, my headshrinker...

says that I have kind of a compulsion for practical joking.

I don't know when to stop.

But I'm working on it, baby. And don't you worry about Mr. Biddings.

- Giddings. - Sorry, bubee.

Why don't you invite him over...

and I'll explain the whole silly mess?

Your witness.

I'd like to put you across my knee and spank you.

But I'm so relieved that you're you and she's she, I could kiss you.

- Groovy. - Where's Samantha?

She's upstairs, taking care of the little princess.

I'll go fetch her.

A remarkable resemblance.

Oh, I don't know. I think Sam's eyes are set farther apart.

And I think her cheekbones are higher.

Hi, everybody.

- Much higher. Hi, Samantha. - Louise.

Where's your kooky cousin?

Oh, she's upstairs playing with Tabatha while I check my groovy.

Gravy.

I rest my case.

Well, I think I'll go upstairs and see Tabatha.

You can't. She's sleeping.

No, she's not. Samantha just said Serena's playing with her.

Oh, that's right, Serena's playing with her.

She's playing with her upstairs.

Oh, Larry, that Tabatha's getting prettier every day.

Thank you. We're proud of her.

Thank you.

Well, I guess I ought to go in the kitchen and help Samantha.

Oh, wait a minute, Lulu.

Don't walk out on the entertainment.

Sit down, everybody. Make yourselves comfortable.

Larry, Louise.

I know a little ditty recorded by the Belters...

on the flip side of America the Beautiful.

It's called "The Iffin' Song."

Well, gang, I think I'll go put on a new face before dinner.

Pardon, cotton-top.

Be right back.

She's a real swinger, isn't she?

There's something very strange going on in this house.

Yes, isn't she?

"Iffin'." She... She.

Sam, where are you?

Okay, what now?

Well, now we'll just sit down and have dinner.

Have dinner with who? There are five place settings.

Doesn't it seem odd Sam and Serena...

are never in the room at the same time?

- Larry, you don't think... - The only question...

is how does she get in and out of her clothes so quickly?

Larry, your suspicions are becoming an obsession.

I don't know how she does it, but you watch:

Either Sam or Serena's going to come down with a bad headache.

But only one of them will sit down to dinner. You watch.

It's no use, honey. We'll just have to tell them that...

That... That what?

That Serena came down with a fearful headache.

That Serena came down with a fearful headache.

I hope they believe it.

Oh, Serena, am I ever sorry I started with you.

Come on.

Larry, Louise, it's time to sit down for dinner.

Larry here. Louise here.

Where's Serena?

I'm glad you asked that. You see, Serena...

Serena's headache is all gone.

I really feel simply marvellous.

Sugar, that's all I wanted to hear you say...

that you were sorry.

I am, I am. And I'll never, ever, ever do it again.

What did you do?

Now, Larry, every family is entitled to its own little secrets.

Well, I'm so glad we could all get together.

Oh, there, you see?

Love power conquers all.