Original subtitles

You can send me 2 pounds of onions...

a pound of butter... a head of lettuce...

and 60 cans of wax beans.

Yes, that's right. Sixty cans.

Bye-bye.

They're having a sale on wax beans.

I see.

You know, by buying 60 cans,

I save 3 cents a can.

Wonderful. And it also takes care of all your wax bean buying

for the next 15 or 16 years.

Are you making fun of me?

Of course not!

You know, there's a lot more to running a house

than most people think.

Did you know that lemon juice takes out ink stains?

No, I didn't.

See that?

Honey, I think it's wonderful the way you've adjusted.

I bet there's not a witch in a thousand who could do as well.

I love being a housewife.

Are you sure you won't get bored once the novelty's worn off?

How could I be bored being married to someone like you?

Lady, you've just talked yourself into dinner for two

at the best restaurant in town.

Hmm.

I'll see you tonight.

I'm Mrs. Darrin Stephens.

Has my husband arrived yet?

Not yet, Mrs. Stephens.

Right this way, please.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Can I get you something from the bar?

Oh, uh, no, thank you. I'll wait.

All right.

Is there something I can do for you, beautiful?

Yes.

You can go away.

I dig blonds with class.

Now, why don't you and I get to know each other

a little bit better, hm?

Please leave.

I'm expecting my husband any moment,

and he has a very violent temper.

Oh!

Hi, honey.

This man been bothering you?

Oh, it's nothing.

This little blond here tells me that you're a very tough guy.

This little blond happens to be my wife.

Darrin. And if you...

Darrin, he's, uh... Well, uh, let's leave.

Darrin...

That's a pretty name for a tough guy.

Now look, you. I don't... This.

Does that hurt, Darrin, baby?

You let go of him!

This is just for openers, Darrin.

Ooh!

Why, you...

Come on, Darrin, let's leave.

Oh, my stars.

Breakfast ready, honey?

Uh... no. No.

Just a minute, sweetheart.

Darrin?

Mm?

Are you still mad at me?

Honey, I'm not mad at you.

I'm... just disappointed.

Well, I was only trying to help.

I know, sweetheart.

And I appreciate it.

But you're not supposed to.

Why not?

When a man's wife is being annoyed by a drunk in a bar,

the man is the one

who's supposed to do something about it.

Well, you did, didn't you?

Oh, sure.

I took a wild swing and I missed.

You twitched your nose and knocked him cold.

Oh.

Does it still hurt?

Mm-mm.

Darling, I can't just stand by and do nothing

when you're in trouble.

You would do the same for me if you could, wouldn't you?

Yeah, sure.

Let's pretend the whole thing never happened. Okay.

Let's just forget about it.

Okay.

Honey, where's the morning paper?

Morning paper?

Oh, never mind. I see it.

Samantha!

Abner!

Look! Look! Look!

Something you wished to call my attention to, Gladys?

Stephens.

Oh?

They're fighting with each other.

You saw it on your private radar screen.

No! No!

He... He... He... He... Mr. Stephens is gonna be

the next heavyweight champion.

That's wild, all right.

But it's not as wild as some of the things

you've been dreaming up about them.

Maybe you're getting better.

All right, Mr. Know-It-All!

Look. It's right here in the paper.

Stephens, wait a minute.

May I have your autograph?

Mr. Kravitz, you're kidding.

You're a celebrity, Mr. Stephens.

Sign right here, where it says, “Next Heavyweight Champ”"

Me, living next door to the man

who knocked out "Jolting" Joe Kovacks.

Can you imagine that?

Uh, no.

I'm sure glad I got your autograph this morning...

while you can still write your name.

What does that mean?

You didn't see Kovacks' fight with "No Nose" Novotni?

No.

Excuse me, Mr. Kravitz. I have to get to the office.

Oh, sure.

Of course, they didn't start calling Novotni "No Nose"

until after the fight.

Hi, Johnny.

Good morning, Mr. Stephens.

Are you okay?

Sure. Shouldn't I be?

After the Tomson-Kovacks rematch,

Tomson had both shoulders in a cast for three months.

And he was lucky.

Lucky?

Yeah. It was a glancing blow.

The next time you run into Kovacks...

Yeah.

Be in your car.

Mr. Stephens... Not right now, Barbara.

And I don't want to be disturbed.

Okay.

Okay... but you'll get the chair for this.

Easy, Mac.

Stupid, here, just come to apologize.

Yeah.

Apologize?

Well, he... certainly should apologize.

Annoying my wife and assaulting me, and...

Look, pal... I had a couple of shots,

and, well, I ain't used to it.

Like, most of the time, I'm in training.

See what I mean?

Now, about that assault bit, sport.

We got some witnesses and a picture.

Now, this picture shows my tiger out cold

and you standing over him.

I still say I never saw the punch he hit me with.

Yeah, the whole thing was magic.

Like, he did it with mirrors.

Well, as a matter of fact...

Now, let's get down to business, right?

Now, I figure you and Joe meet at Dundee's Bar again,

and he apologizes to you in public.

Oh, that won't be... Shut up!

Now, the sooner, the better, is what I say.

So, we'll make it at lunchtime today.

Now, I'll fix it so there will be plenty of reporters

and camera guys around.

You dig?

No.

Don't you know what that lucky punch of yours

last night cost us?

A million bucks. Maybe 2 million.

You knocked us right out of a title fight.

I did? Why?

Because who's gonna pay to see it?

I mean, me. Fight Tommy Carter, the champ,

after I've been KO'd by a square named Darrin.

I got a good mind... Shut up!

So at Dundee's place, Joe is gonna apologize,

like the clean-cut fella he is.

Only you ain't gonna accept his apology.

Sure I will.

I'm a good sport. Ask anybody.

No, Darrin. You're a lousy sport.

You're gonna refuse to shake hands with him.

One thing is gonna lead to another,

you're gonna throw a couple of punches at him,

and Joe is gonna lay you out.

Joe is gonna pull his punch, natch.

Natch.

He's just gonna graze you. And you go down.

And you stay down.

Are you suggesting that I take a dive?

I won't do it.

It's un-American!

So if Joe busts your jaw for real...

you're a patriot?

Can I kind of lean on him a little right now?

Not now.

Later, maybe.

Darrin...

I don't think you're in no position to dicker.

May I think about it?

Why not? Take your time.

Take about 10 seconds.

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

I'm up here in the nursery, Mrs. Kravitz!

Okay.

Hello there, Mrs. Stephens.

Hi!

What are you doing?

It's a pony for Tabatha.

Isn't she a little too young to ride?

Abner says that if he were Mr. Stephens,

he'd be hiding out.

Oh, come on.

I'm just telling you what Abner said.

He says Kovacks is gonna catch up with him

and give it to him good.

Uh, hello. This is Mrs. Stephens.

Is my husband there?

Oh?

Did anything unusual happen?

Did you say Dundee's?

No, no. No. No message. Thank you.

They're meeting for lunch.

It's an ambush! You've got to warn him.

I'll tell you.

I'll baby-sit and you go. We... Go!

All right.

Tabatha's been fed, and I'm sure you'll have no problem.

Oh, problems. It'll be a pleasure.

Oh, Mrs. Stephens. Aren't you gonna change before you go out?

Oh. Of course.

What could I have been thinking of?

Goodbye.

Hey! Hey! Ain't you, uh, what's-his-name?

The guy that creamed Joe Kovacks?

You're confusing me with someone else.

Excuse me.

You're him. You're the guy, all right.

Well, you don't look so tough to me.

Put 'em up.

Come on. Put 'em up.

Come on.

Hey, come on! Fight!

You, I know I can lick.

And I don't want no mistakes.

Okay. All right.

Well... I owe you an apology.

Oh yeah?

No hard feelings?

Get lost.

Give me a double martini.

Look, friend.

I'm trying to be a nice guy.

Beat it, before I flatten you again.

Now, friend... Don't call me friend.

You... You louse!

All right, put 'em up.

Samantha.

Samantha! Samantha!

Samantha!

Sam, you're supposed to be my wife,

not my bodyguard.

Darrin, how was I supposed to know

the whole thing was a fake?

What was I supposed to do?

Let him hit me.

Oh, you mean, just stand around and look happy

while he puts you in the hospital?

Yes!

Well, I-I-I don't mean that.

He wasn't really going to hit me.

You sure?

I'm pretty sure.

I'm sorry. I really did mess things up, didn't I?

I'll figure some way out of this.

But you've gotta promise me one thing.

Anything you say.

Don't do it again.

I mean, if you see me squaring off

with a locomotive... don't twitch.

Go read a book or something. Understand?

Yes, sir.

In the future, let me fight my own battles.

Okay. Okay, I promise.

Okay.

Abner!

Hey, Abner!

Abner, put that flute down, and come and help me.

Help you what?

Help me put this box over there on the sofa.

Mmm.

You got it?

Yeah.

What have you got in here, some of your icebox cookies?

I'll tell you in a minute.

Abner. Abner, he did it again.

Who did what?

Mr. Stephens.

I just heard it on the car radio.

That boxer got snippy again, so Mr. Stephens hit him.

Where?

In the bar.

It took three seconds to knock him out cold.

Ah, the fight game isn't what it used to be.

Abner... uh, what would you do

if someone made a pass at me in a bar?

I'd faint.

Oh, I'm serious.

Now, supposing a man tried to kiss me, what would you do?

Put a dime in his tin cup, pat his Seeing Eye dog

and go home.

Now... what's in the box?

Something for that stomach of yours.

They have a sale of bicarbonate?

You're out of shape, Abner.

I was born that way.

Well, anyway, I decided that the one thing you needed

in your life was a dumbbell.

So you married me.

Funny. Very funny.

Put that flute down.

Doesn't it bother you that every time I go out,

I am fair game for any playboy that has a roving eye?

Gladys, if Richard Burton can live with it, so can I!

That's not a good enough answer.

It's my responsibility to keep you healthy and fit.

I don't want to be healthy and fit.

I paid good money for this dumbbell,

and you're gonna be healthy and fit

if it kills you.

Huh?

Hi, Darrin.

Would you mind explaining this?

Uh, that's the morning newspaper.

I know it's the morning newspaper.

What I want explained is...

You mean there's more?

Possibly in the afternoon newspaper.

Possibly?

Probably.

I went to lunch at Dundee's today, and I met Kovacks again.

And he dumped you right on the seat of your pants

in front of a whole roomful of people.

Not exactly.

Oh. You mean there weren't a lot of people around?

The bar was jammed.

There were reporters and photographers.

They took a lot of pictures.

Of what?

Of me dumping Kovacks on the seat of his pants.

You don't believe me.

Frankly, no.

Darrin... remember when we used to skip lunch

and work out together in the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

Yeah. You were on a health kick.

You developed a potbelly, and...

Never mind about my potbelly.

The point is, we used to put on the gloves

and spar with each other every now and then, remember?

Sure I remember, Larry.

We used to kid around a lot in those days.

Well, I had the impression, then,

that I could take you anytime I wanted to,

if we ever tried to mix seriously.

Oh, sure you could, Larry.

Well, there's a clause in my contract where it says

I am not allowed to beat up on my boss

on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Fact is, I still think I can take you.

Talk about a case of arrested development!

Where are you going, chicken?

To a saloon.

You meet a much more intelligent class of people in bars

than you do in advertising agencies!

Potbelly!

Thanks, Harry.

Ah-ha!

We meet again.

Darrin Stephens, right?

No. I just look like him.

Actually, I'm Elroy Aspinwall,

the well-known professional fly-caster.

Look, you can't keep running forever.

Why don't you and me just step outside,

and we'll see how tough you really are.

Okay.

Why don't you go out the back way.

Wait in the alley.

I'll be along as soon as I finish my drink.

Oh! I beg your pardon.

That's okay.

Hey.

Aren't you the guy that KO'd Kovacks?

Look, I just came in for a nice, quiet drink.

I've been wanting to meet you.

You really creamed him, huh?

That thing with Kovacks was an accident.

An accident. Twice.

Yes, twice. Now, if you don't mind...

Not so fast.

You know, I don't get it.

You don't look as if you could knock out my grandmother.

Well, let's just say I was lucky, and forget it.

I guess those stories about Kovacks

having a glass jaw are true, huh?

Yeah, that's right. A glass jaw.

Now, do you mind if I sit down and finish my drink?

Sure.

Right after I've tried a little experiment.

Experiment?

Experiment.

I'm the prettiest and I've got an iron jaw.

So bust me one.

What?

I mean it. Give me your Sunday punch.

I'll bet you can't even make me blink.

Well, go on.

Give it your best, put it to the test,

and I'll put you to rest.

Now, look.

You laid him right out!

It was an accident.

Do you know who that is?

No. And frankly, I don't care.

As long as he's not another contender.

Well, that's no contender.

That's Tommy Carter. The champ!

Sam.

Sam!

Sam, where are you?

Sam, where are you?

W-who are you calling for?

She changed herself into someone else, so...

You!

You're Sam.

That's right.

Sam, what did you do with Harry?

Harry?

Harry went home.

Sam, I've just about had it.

Now, I'm warning you.

When we were married,

didn't you promise to love, honor and obey?

Me?

Do you want to be my wife, or don't you?

Anything you say, mister.

Only, wouldn't you be just as happy, if instead,

we... got to be very good friends?

Here we go again.

I'm making the front page more often than the astronauts.

There you are, darling.

I swear to you,

I came straight home after I left your office,

and I haven't been out of the house since.

Then you kept your promise.

Mm-hm.

I should have known you would.

You've got to promise me that you'll stop

getting in fights with world champions.

Honey, I didn't fight him. I fell on him.

My feet got all tangled up.

A likely story, tiger.

I will promise you one thing.

Hm?

That was my last bout.

Then you're gonna retire, undefeated, as champion?

Depend on it.

I'll drink to that.

Hi.

I should have known it would be you.

Darrin, I didn't come here to exchange insults.

You just want me to knock the chip off your shoulder.

Hi, Sam.

He's all over the papers again.

Tommy Carter came up to the office

looking for you, champ.

Oh, no.

It's all right.

I straightened out everything.

You did?

You did?

Larry, you're a good man.

The fact is, he's now working for us.

For the agency?

Well, not exactly.

But he's agreed to appear at the Advertising Club's

annual Charity Ball.

How about that, huh?

Larry, I've said it once, and I'll say it again.

You are the greatest salesman in the world.

Ah, what's he gonna do? Say a few words?

Oh, better than that.

He's gonna box four rounds... with an opponent of his choice.

With an opponent of his choice?

Larry... you didn't.

It was the only way I could get him, Sam.

Oh, great.

Don't worry, darling.

Everything's gonna be all right.

It will?

Sure.

I'll be in your corner.

Together, we'll be unbeatable.