All language subtitles for 17 - Sam in the Moon

Ladies and gentlemen...

...this photograph of the moon's
surface was taken two months ago...

...by a camera aboard
an unmanned space capsule.

Today, space technicians
at the Cape...

...are hopeful that this view of
the moon, and even closer ones...

...will be seen for the first time
by human eyes.

Sam, not now.
I'm watching the moon probe.

-What?
-I'm watching the moon probe.

When you turn the vacuum on,
the set goes flooey.

I can't see!

I can't see. Can't you do that later?

I've been waiting for weeks
to give the house a thorough cleaning.

These rugs are filthy.

How can you worry
about the dirt on the rugs...

...when we're about to see
the surface of the moon?

The moon could use a vacuuming too,
all that dust.

We have now received word
from the Cape...

...that the orbit and attitude of
the space capsule are perfect.

In a matter of hours,
astronauts aboard the spacecraft...

...will have the closest view
of the moon ever seen...

...by the naked eye,
thus bringing nearer the day...

...when men will actually land
on the moon.

Honey, why don't you forget
about the housework.

Watch this with me. It's interesting...

...even for a sophisticated witch
like you.

Well, I'd like to, darling,
but I just can't.

It's like having a ringside seat
for the discovery of America.

-Aren't you interested?
-Well, certainly I'm interested.

But it's the same elliptical orbit,
isn't it?

Except this time the pilots
will see for themselves...

...the mile-high dust drifts
and the lunar craters.

I am more interested in getting
the refrigerator straightened out...

...the oven scrubbed, the attic cleaned
and the rugs vacuumed.

Anyway...

...I've seen the moon.

She's seen the moon.

She's seen the moon?

No, that's impossible.

With her, nothing's impossible.

Larry, I'd like to ask you something.

Is it more important than
Jack Nicklaus getting an eagle...

...on a 550-yard 5-par?

-What do you think about the moon?
-I think it's very nice.

Easy, now.

Stroke it easy.
You've got a downhill lie.

-I mean, about getting there.
-You really want to know what I think?

Okay, I'll tell you what I think.

I think that the moon is very important.

But I wish they'd stop spending
my money to get there.

Oh, come on, Lar. Be serious.

I am serious.
Do you realize how big...

...my tax bill is going to be this year?

Larry, it's for
the advancement of science.

-New frontiers, progress.
-Don't get me wrong.

If they could say "alakazam," snap
their fingers and get there, I'd be for it.

Well, that's close.

-What?
-Nothing.

I say forget it.

Larry, I know this is
going to sound ridiculous...

...but just suppose someone knew
of a way of getting to the moon...

...without spending all that money.

What do you think
he should do about it?

He should go down to the authorities,
tell them what he knows.

I think it would be his patriotic duty.

That's what I was afraid you'd say.

But before he does it,
I'll tell you what I think he should do.

I think he should go home,
take a good, stiff drink...

...a couple of aspirin
and try to get some sleep.

Well, Larry, it was just
a hypothetical question.

Of course it was. Furthermore...

...I don't think this person
should come to work tomorrow...

...until he's gotten all this
stupid nonsense out of his skull!

Well, I really got a rise out of you,
didn't l?

I was just putting you on.

Samantha, it's getting harder
and harder to tell the difference...

...between you and
an ordinary household drudge.

Well, I'm sorry, Mother,
but as long as you insist...

...upon popping in unannounced,
you'll just have to take me as I am.

I must say, I can't see
where I went wrong.

I brought you up as a proper witch...

...taught you the best incantations.

And here you are,
married to a mortal...

...doing the most menial tasks.

A fallen woman.

All right, Mother, out with it.
What's on your mind?

I want you to come shopping with me.

That's what this is about,
to get me to come shopping with you.

Well, if I'd simply invited you,
Samantha, you'd have refused.

I'm afraid I have to anyway.
I can't leave Tabatha.

Well, I've already installed Hagatha
upstairs to babysit.

-Mother, I have to clean the house.
-Good.

Now, let's compromise.

I'll let you clean the house
as a drudge...

...but only after you
come shopping with me.

Well, all right.

But we mustn't be gone more
than two hours. Now, promise.

Marvellous.

We better change, dear.

Mother, wait a minute.
Where are we going?

It's Sunday.
All the stores are closed.

Not where I'm taking you.

Follow me.

Nice of you to pop in, ladies.

Oh, Mother.

You didn't tell me we were going
to Tokyo. I'll never trust you again.

Darling, you said yourself
the shops were all closed back home.

Here it isn't Sunday.

We've just crossed
the International Date Line.

I am so happy to see you again.

-This is my daughter, Samantha.
-How do you do?

I am honoured to make
your acquaintance, Samantha-san.

Your mother and I
have been long-time friends.

I've just come for some of
your marvellous tea, Watanabe-san.

Of course.
Just a moment, please.

I keep in back
for my special customers.

-He's a warlock?
-Tokyo chapter.

And his tea is absolutely
out of this world.

After this, we'll go to
a marvellous restaurant.

They make the most divine
squid mousse.

Well, I guess I should be going home.

I'll see you at the office tomorrow.

-Darrin?
-What?

That's the closet.

Well, there's nothing like a little trip
to Japan to break up the morning.

Now, just let us relax...

...and have a cup
of this marvellous warlock tea.

Mother, dear, you are incorrigible.

Now, we've been gone all day, and now
you want me to sit down and have tea.

I have to get the house clean.
What am I gonna tell Darrin?

Well, tell him our rickshaw
got caught in a traffic jam.

I'm certainly not going
to mention Japan.

Then don't. Do you have to give
a schedule of where you've been...

...every day, minute by minute?

Well, of course not. It's a....

Look, if I don't get started
with the cleaning, I'll never get done.

You're welcome to stay.

And watch you do battle
with grease and grime?

No, thank you.

Well, ta-ta, darling.

Enjoy your tea.

Now...

...the vacuuming and the attic.

Oh, I'll never make it.

Vacuum cleaner, I have a problem.

I can spend four hours pushing you
around and cleaning the attic...

...in which case I won't have
any time to spend with Darrin...

...or I can...

...well, you know,
get it all done in a flash...

...and relax for the rest of
the afternoon with my husband.

What do you think?
Should I or shouldn't l?

Well, I thought you'd agree.

Now that dusty old attic.

-Sam, I'm home.
-I'll be right there.

Are you still vacuuming--?

Now, that's what I call
really automatic.

Sam?

Sam.

I thought we agreed that housework
was to be done in the usual manner.

Oh, I must have left the motor on.

You also must have left
detailed instructions.

-What happened to you?
-I've been upstairs cleaning the attic.

It's very dirty up there, see?

Did you clean the attic like
you were vacuuming the rug?

Oh, Darrin, really.

I just wanted us to have
some time together...

...and I thought I wouldn't
be finished in time, so--

A little:

Yes, just a little.

By the way, where have you been?
I called you from Larry's.

Why are you questioning me
like this?

I'm not questioning you.
I just wanna know...

...what you did while I was gone.

-Minute by minute?
-Any way you like.

Well, let's see.

First, I cleaned the left side
of the refrigerator.

-Then I cleaned the right side.
-Sam.

You're deliberately
not answering my question.

I do not like being cross-examined
by my husband.

-What--? What--? What is that?
-What's what?

-That, that.
-Oh, this?

-That's-- Yeah.
-Nothing.

Do you usually wrap nothing
in white tissue paper?

Darrin, Mother came over...

...and we went out to lunch
at a nice little Japanese tearoom.

And that's the last question I'm
going to answer until you apologize.

Sam, please. One more question.

Where did you go?

-You want to know where I went?
-Yes.

All right, I'll tell you.
To the moon.

And one of these days....

To the moon.

How are you, Mr. Stephens?
What will it be today?

Heartburn, headaches,
lower-back pains, nasal congestion?

You name it, I can fix it.

It's nothing like that.
I wanna ask a favour.

Well...

...could you analyse these?

Analyse? What kind of analyse?

Look, Mr. Stephens.
I'm a druggist, not a chemical engineer.

If I was a chemist,
would I be open on Sunday afternoon?

That's the point.
The laboratories are closed...

...and I want to find out what
this stuff is as soon as possible.

It--

It's a matter of national importance.

Looks like dust.

It looks like dust.

I want you to find out
what that really is.

You mean, you might be allergic?

Oh, that's right, Mr. Grand.
I'm afraid I'm allergic.

And this, by you,
is of national importance?

Mr. Grand, just find out what it is.

And this one....

That's supposed to be tea.

You're a good customer, Mr. Stephens.
I'll see what I can do.

But I don't promise anything
this afternoon.

My wife's brother's
coming from out of town...

...and to my wife,
he's of national importance.

So I'm closing the store
an hour earlier.

As soon as you can.
I'll be by in the morning.

And thank you, Mr. Grand.

"Darrin...

...since you insist on knowing
where I am every minute...

...Tabatha and I went to the market
to pick up a few things for dinner.

Any further questions will have to wait
until we get home. Sam."

It's terrible. Terrible.

I feel like a stool pigeon...

...an informer.

Spying on my own wife.

What happens if that stuff
actually turns out to be from the moon?

What do I do then?

Report it to NASA?

Of course, you know we don't
waste time here at NASA.

We're in a race to the moon with the
Russians. We're gonna win, right?

-Right, Ed.
-Look, I can't--

I can't give you these
unless you promise...

-...not to ask where I got them.
-What is this, Stephens, conditions...

...when the prestige
of our country is involved?

I can't reveal my s--

I cannot reveal my sources.

Unless you agree, no deal.

Mr. Stephens, why should we want
to pry into your private affairs?

-Why, that's ridiculous, isn't it, Ed?
-Of course, ridiculous.

Now, Mr. Stephens,
what's in the envelopes?

Well, it looks like house dust and tea,
but I--

House dust and tea, huh?
We'll find out about that.

-Run them through the lab, Frank.
-Right, Ed.

Moon dust and lunar tea.

All right, Stephens, that's it.
Where'd you get it?

-I can't tell you.
-Cut the jazz, Stephens.

You're in serious trouble.

-Where'd you get it?
-I won't tell you.

-Who gave it to you?
-No one.

-Does anybody else know about this?
-No.

You're lying.

What did you tell him?

I said it was his patriotic duty
to go to the authorities...

...and tell them everything he knew.

-Tell them, Darrin.
-I can't.

They won't let me watch the golf
tournament if you don't tell them.

Don't try to worm out of this.
We know all about you, Stephens.

We have an account of your activities,
hour by hour.

Listen, I'm just
a simple neighbourhood druggist...

...who has to stay open
Sunday afternoons.

Never mind about that.
What about him?

Oh, such a nice man.
Lovely wife, an adorable daughter.

Funny name, though.
Who could know that he was a spy?

Your wife, what does
she know about this?

Nothing. I swear
she knows nothing about it.

Then where did you get it?

I refuse to answer on the grounds
that it might tend to incriminate she.

Me.

She is involved.

Bring her in, Frank.

-Right, Ed.
-No!

All right, Stephens, who's this woman?

-I never saw her before in my life.
-Next.

How about this one?

Her, I've seen.

Oh, Darrin, how could you?
What's going to become of Tabatha?

Sam, I'm sorry. I tried to protect you,
but they wormed it out of me.

We were only gone for a little while.
Mother wanted to get some tea.

You see? You wouldn't listen to me.

That's what comes
of marrying a mortal.

They're so nosy and suspicious.

Always wanting to know what you're
going to do every minute of the day.

You're right, Mother.
You're absolutely right.

I must admit it. He was suspicious.
He did ask questions.

-No. No!
-Yes, yes!

All right, Mrs. Stephens, it's time.

Come along, Mrs. Stephens, it's time.

Oh, no, no. Not yet, please.
Just one more minute.

NASA can't wait, Mrs. Stephens.
We're in a race. It's time.

Leave her alone! It's my fault!

For once, you're right, Dagwood.
It is your fault.

Oh, Darrin. Darrin.

Darrin. Darrin....

It's all my fault. No, no!

Darrin. Darrin, wake up. Darrin.

Oh, Sam. Sam!

You're-- You're here.

-They didn't take you.
-Who?

-The NASA men.
-NASA men?

That's a new one.
Is it anything like bogeyman?

Oh, relax, sweetheart.
You just had a bad dream.

-Well, yeah. Where's Tabatha?
-She's upstairs, asleep.

-What were you dreaming about?
-Well, the NASA men.

The space agency. They were giving
me the third degree about...

...where did I get the moon dust.

-Moon dust?
-Yeah.

And your mother was there,
and Larry Tate was there, and Grand--

-Grand!
-What's grand?

Max Grand, the druggist. I gave him
the dust and the tea to be analysed.

Sam, why did you go to the moon,
especially after we just talked about it?

-Darrin, are you sure you're awake?
-Come on, Sam.

While I was at Larry Tate's
this morning...

...you and your mother went to
the moon. When you came back...

...you were covered with moon dust
and had that package of lunar tea.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

And when I came back--

When I came back and I said:

"Samantha, where have you been?"
did you not say, and I quote:

"To the moon"?

Darrin, if I told you I'd been to the
North Star, would you believe me?

-I was only kidding.
-Sam, when any other woman says:

"I've been to the moon,"
you figure it's a figure of speech.

When you say, "I've been to the moon,"
that's something else altogether.

When I saw that dust,
I knew you'd been to the moon.

Mother came by and she insisted
I go shopping with her.

Shop--? Sam.

It's Sunday. All the stores are closed.

Not in Japan.

In Japan, it's Monday.

And that's where we went,
and that's all there is to it.

Japan? Are you asking me
to believe that?

You believe I went to the moon,
and you don't believe I went to Japan?

You said you went to the moon.

Only because I was so annoyed at you
for asking so many silly questions.

Then you haven't been to the moon?

Not recently, no.

Sam.

I swear and affirm
that I have not left the Earth today.

Really?

-"Really" really?
-"Really" really.

Oh, darling, that's marvellous.

I don't even feel so bad about
being such a fool with Mr. Grand.

Imagine, giving him
ordinary house dust to analyse.

-I bet he thinks you're spooky.
-Yeah.

Ordinary house dust
and ordinary Japanese tea.

Darrin.

Darrin, it isn't ordinary Japanese tea.

What--? What is it, then?

It's-- It's warlock tea.

It's warlock tea. It's warlock tea!

-Oh, Sam!
-Well, Darrin--

Mr. Grand is gonna analyse it and
he's going to think-- I don't know what.

Well, I don't think
there's anything to worry about.

He'll just think it's something
he's never seen before...

-...and that'll be the end of that.
-Yeah. I hope you're right.

I don't think you're right. Hello?

Mr. Stephens, about that matter
of national importance...

...the stuff that looks like house dust?

It is house dust.

No microfilm, no nothing.
Just house dust.

Well, thank you for your trouble,
Mr. Grand.

But that other stuff,
the stuff that looks like tea--

That was a mistake. That is tea.

That's where you're wrong.

I put it through every test I've got.

And there's something in it
that is definitely not tea.

I even showed it to my brother-in-law,
the one from Nassau.

NASA?
Your brother-in-law's from NASA?

Yeah. He's visiting us for the weekend
with the kids.

Mr. Grand, don't do another thing.

Just forget it.
You've gone to enough trouble.

No trouble at all. Look, we've got
to pass your place on our way home.

We'll drop it off.
See you in a few minutes.

Mr. Grand--

Sam, I wish you'd go upstairs
and let me handle this.

Well, no. I think it'll sound
more logical coming from me.

-Keep your fingers crossed.
-They are.

Mr. Grand, I want to apologize
for causing you so much trouble...

...especially since it was all
an accident.

My mother's always been
fond of home remedies.

You know how old-fashioned
some mothers can be.

When she discovered that
Darrin was allergic to dust...

...she just had to give him
one of her favourite home remedies.

She said it was some
special kind of tea.

But Darrin's always been
suspicious of home remedies.

That's why he gave it to you
to analyse.

Well, it turns out
that it's not tea at all.

No, no. I talked to Mother,
and she admitted...

...that it was a special blend
of herbs and spices...

...that she got
from a Japanese herbalist.

Now, I know they do come up
with some strange concoctions.

-Lady.
-Yes?

This stuff is more than strange.

Hey, what happened?
There's no wind tonight.

Oh, it does come up suddenly
sometimes, doesn't it?

Oh, what a shame.
That was the last of it, too.

Mr. and Mrs. Stephens,
I want you to meet my brother-in-law...

-...Harry Kahn, from Nassau.
-Hello.

How do you do.
You mean you don't have more of this?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid
you'll just have to go back...

...and tell them at the space agency.

What space agency?
I own a string of cut-rate drugstores.

You mean you're not from NASA?

Sure. Nassau County, Long Island.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, it must be his allergy.

Night air. Very bad, you know.

Thank you so much, Mr. Grand.

Mr. Kahn, it was nice meeting you.

-Good night.
-Yes, nice meeting--

-Darrin, are you all right?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Come on.
I'll fix you a nice cup of tea.

No! No tea.

But how about a moonlight cocktail?

Darrin?

Come look at the lady in the moon.

What moon?

Besides, it's a man in the moon.

How do you know it's a man?

Everybody knows it's a man.
Just look at it.

Could be a lady.

You know, I've been meaning
to ask you something.

You said that you hadn't been
to the moon today...

...but you didn't say that
you'd never been to the moon.

Well, have you?

-Have I what?
-Been to the moon...

...ever?

Darrin, you don't want to know
everything about me, do you?

I mean, there are some things
a wife should not tell a husband.

And whether or not she has been
to the moon is one of them.

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