Original subtitles

Good evening, Mr. Van Cleve.

Welcome home from your trip.

Hello, Parker.

What's going on here?

Mrs. Van Cleve is giving a costume ball.

She has a costume laid out for you.

Napoleon, I believe.

Don't tell her I've arrived.

I haven't slept in two days.

I'm tired, and I'm going upstairs to bed.

I don't want to be disturbed by all these

gibbering idiots in monkey suits.

Oh!

Parker, call a plumber immediately.

There's a leaky faucet in my bathroom

that'll drive me crazy.

I've got to get some sleep!

Yes sir, very good, sir.

Albert, answer the phone.

Ooh!

Ooh, ooh!

What are you trying to do, crack the cement?

Why don't you use your head?

I did, but it hurts that way.

I'm gonna have to go back to the old way.

Answer the phone.

Go ahead, go ahead, hurry up.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Hello, hello?

I can't hear a thing you're sayin', brother.

Hello, hello!

Put that down!

There's the phone.

Hello, Ajax Plumbing Company.

We stand behind every bathtub we sell.

Indeed we do.

What?

- Eddie. - What?

There's a butler on the phone.

This is gonna be a high-class job.

Oh, yes!

That's right, Ajax Plumbing.

We charge $6 an hour.

That's too much?

Well, then why don't you try the Atlas Plumbing Company?

They're very cheap.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Atlas Plumbing Company.

$4 an hour.

What?

They wanted to charge you six, the Ajax did?

They're nothin' but a bunch of crooks.

I'm glad you're doin' business with us.

We'll be right over, thank you.

Ow!

Did I hurt you?

I'm sorry.

You should be sorry.

Now, listen.

Put 'em up, put 'em up, Eddie.

Put those down.

I mean, after all, I'm sick and tired

- of the whole... - Stop it.

Never mind that.

You just behave yourself, you understand?

No more monkey business from you.

Ooh, ooh!

Elsie must be around here some place.

That's her cab.

- Blow the horn. - Huh?

- Blow the horn! - Blow the horn?

I want to get Elsie.

Elsie!

Elsie!

Listen to me.

There's a city ordinance against blowing horns,

and besides, people around here want to sleep.

Stop blowing that horn.

Okay.

Go on, blow the horn.

You heard what the cop said.

I said blow the horn, didn't I?

Yeah, but he said there's a lot of people sleepin'.

So what?

- Did you put 'em to sleep? - No.

Is it your fault they're in bed?

- No. - Blow the horn!

You sure?

I said blow the horn, didn't I?

Okay.

Elsie!

Elsie!

Listen!

Didn't I tell you there was a city ordinance?

Yes, sir.

Now, just a minute, officer.

You're a public servant.

What of it?

Get me a glass of water.

Why, you little rat, listen, didn't I tell you

that people are trying to sleep around here?

Now stop blowing that horn!

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Go on, blow the horn.

What's wrong with you?

I said blow the horn, didn't I?

Who are you listening to, him or me?

You're a taxpayer, am I right?

Yeah.

Don't you know that your taxes

help pay that man his salary?

Does he know that?

He will know it.

In other words, he's workin' for you.

Oh, that's different.

So blow the horn.

Hm-hm.

Elsie!

What's the matter with you?

Get that thing off!

You little,

I'll break every bone in your body!

Take it easy, take it easy.

Take it easy.

Watch your blood pressure, kid.

- I'm watchin' it. - Take it easy.

I mean, after all, you're workin' for me.

How do you like that?

You're fired.

Okay, why, you little rat!

Listen, you little squirt!

I'm the boss around here, and you're nothin', see?

Boy, you got a nice job.

You bet your sweet life I have.

Boss over nothin'.

Boss over nothing, how do you like that?

Stop.

Stop the noise.

- Go away. - Take it easy.

Take it easy.

I mean, after all, let's be nice about the whole thing.

Look, you should pay a little respect to the man.

After all, he's got a badge and everything.

You bet your life.

It took me 20 years to earn that badge.

You're gonna show a little respect for it.

Certainly.

I'm the limb of the law.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

You're a rotten limb.

Oh, so, I'm a rotten limb, am I?

I'm a rotten limb?

The next crack you make, I'll break every bone in your body!

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

And he'll do it too.

He's the type guy could do it.

You're not kiddin'!

- I know it, fella. - Okay, okay.

See ya later.

Why don't you keep your mouth shut

like your pal, here?

- Yeah. - Yes, sir.

Then you wouldn't get in trouble.

He's lookin' for fights all the time, officer.

He's always lookin' for a fight.

I can see that.

What's the matter, you wanna fight?

- Yes, I want to fight. - I knew it.

- I'll fight you. - I'll fight you.

And I'll fight you.

I'll fight you!

And I'll fight you!

I'll fight you!

And I'll fight you!

No, you won't!

We'd better call it a draw.

Look, I don't want to fight a policeman

around here where all the people are lookin'.

I mean, after all, you're wearin' a uniform.

I'll fight you over there in that alley in 15 minutes.

I'll be there!

Don't forget to be in the alley in 15 minutes!

Don't worry, I'll be there!

Don't have any other cops around to help you!

I won't have any cops around, I don't need 'em.

I'll be there all alone!

You're darn right, because I ain't gonna be there!

- Oh! - Duh!

All right, all right, all right.

Come on, let's get Elsie.

You caused enough trouble.

Hey!

Here comes Elsie now.

- Elsie? - Elsie.

Elsie?

- Oh! - What's the matter?

Stop that!

That's my girl.

Albert, you've been fighting again.

Mm-hm, hm.

Oh, turn around here, look at yourself.

Why don't you try and be a little more neat?

I will from now on, Elsie.

I'll try my best.

If you give me a gold star, I'll do my best.

Now you look sweet.

Say, Elsie, we've got a big job,

a big society job up at the Van Cleve mansion.

Will you drive us up there?

- Sure, hop in. - Swell.

Come on, come on.

Come here, where ya going?

Get in there!

Hey, hey, hey, this cab is taken.

Here you go.

Catch.

You hold that.

Excuse me, oh.

Get a load of this!

Elsie, you sit down here, honey.

We'll be back in a minute.

- All right. - Go ahead, honey.

You listen to the music.

Mm-hm!

So glad you could come.

Oh, thank you.

Where is it?

Where do we go?

Oh, right in here.

Excuse me.

A beautiful affair, Mrs. Van Cleve.

Thank you, Mrs. Winthrop.

My dance, Queen Elizabeth.

Oh my, I suppose there were wolves even in her time.

Gloria, where in the world is Peter Evans?

He's coming as a taxi driver, mother.

He said he'd wear a meter and charge me to dance with him.

Only the richest bachelor in the world

could afford to be that whimsical.

You'll have to reach an understanding with him this weekend.

That's the whole point

of our giving a weekend party, isn't it?

To throw us together again in fond hope?

My dear, I am only suggesting

a merger of the family treasures.

And you, darling, happen to be the Winthrop treasure.

I beg your pardon?

Are you the plumbers from Atlas?

I'm the plumber.

He's my helper, but no help.

Where's the trouble?

Walk this way.

Walk this way.

- Good evening, sir. - How are you?

Wait a minute, you can't go in there.

That's a private party.

What about it?

Well, they'll throw you out.

They didn't throw you out, did they?

No, they've been very nice about letting me sit here.

They should.

You add a lot of glamor to this little clambake.

That's a fine way for a cabbie to talk.

When you get in costume, you really work at it.

Of course.

Say, I thought I knew all the cab drivers around here.

Who are you?

Peter Evans.

The Peter Evans?

Are you kidding?

No, come on in.

I'll get you a couple of affidavits.

Come on.

You know, I go to all these society column outings.

You're a new face.

As a matter of fact, you're a novelty all over.

Shh.

You must be quiet.

Mr. Van Cleve is a very nervous man,

and he's trying to sleep.

Shh!

What was that?

It's me, sweetheart.

Well, stop fooling around and come to bed.

Hey Eddie, what are you doin' in the bathtub?

This ain't Saturday night.

I know it, Albert.

Look out, I don't wanna hurt your foot.

You don't wanna hurt my foot?

Yes, you're my friend.

Why, thank you.

Help me out of here, Albert.

Okay, kid.

Take it easy now, Albert.

Hey, be quiet, there's...

Don't strain yourself, Albert.

There's a guy sleeping in the next room.

Yeah, I know.

- Okay, kid. - That's swell.

So you throw things at me, did ya?

Here, now, come here...

Shh!

Don't tell me to shush!

Get over here!

Stand still when I talk to ya.

There's the drip over there, do ya see it?

Do ya see it?

There, that's the thing that's gotta be fixed, see it?

What do you want me to do, fix it or drink it?

Get down there and fix it up!

All right!

Now, shut up!

The man's sleepin'.

Fix that drip!

Okay.

I'll give you the okay.

Same old Eddie, rough-and-tough Eddie.

Go on!

Fix that drip.

What are you stalling about?

Get with it!

You all set?

Pick your tools up.

Keep quiet, there's a man asleep in there.

All fixed.

All fixed?

Look.

There's another drip.

Now we've gotta fix that.

You take it easy, Eddie.

- All right. - Don't work too hard.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead over and fix it.

- Hey, Eddie. - What?

There's some water comin' in here now.

It's comin' in from this other thing in the bottom.

Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.

Afraid of wetting your feet, eh?

Use your plunger and clean it out.

Okay.

Do I have to tell you everything?

No, no, that's all right.

What are you doin', what are you doin'?

The plunger, I said.

That's not the plunger!

Give me another chance.

Well, go ahead.

That's it.

I knew it had a handle to it.

- Ha ha! - Go ahead.

It's stuck.

It's stuck.

What are you takin' your shoe off for?

I don't wanna get my shoes wet.

Oh.

Eddie, what's the matter?

- What's the matter? - Hold on.

You're always...

Get it off!

Look, Eddie, leave it that way,

and I'll take you through the house.

I'll tell 'em I got you at an auction.

- Do somethin'. - Hold it.

Do something.

Do something.

You gotta get your hand away.

What are you,

get up there.

Gimme that hat.

Get up there and fix it.

Get in there!

Don't get mad.

Get up there, and fix that leak!

You looked like a rhinoceros.

Over here, over here, over here.

There's the leak, get up there.

Now, look.

I'll turn the water off with this valve down here.

Yeah.

There ya are.

Now when ya get it fixed, whistle, ya understand?

Soon as I get it fixed, I whistle?

Whistle.

And then you'll turn it on.

And then I'll turn it on.

Okay.

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

- Shh! - Turn it off!

Shh, quiet, quiet!

Shh, there's a man...

There's a man sleeping in there.

Look, please, will ya stand still a minute?

What'd you tell me to do?

I told you if you whistle, I'd turn it on.

You whistled, didn't ya?

I had something else on my mind.

What'd you have on your mind?

This washed it off.

Look, it's still leaking.

Here, take this here.

Take this!

Don't stand there.

Blow, blow, blow!

Quiet!

Blow, blow, blow!

Quiet!

- Shh, shh. - Quiet.

The man's asleep.

Look, the trouble lies in this wall.

- In here. - Yeah.

Try and locate it, will you, please?

- I'll locate it, Eddie. - Okay.

Shh, not so much noise!

The man's in there asleep.

Shh.

Hold on to it!

Hold on to it!

Put your hand on it!

Hey!

Go on, get that one over there!

Excuse me, excuse me!

Get that one over there!

Hurry up!

That one over there!

Come on, give me a hand!

Push!

Put it, put it.

Eddie, Eddie!

Come here.

Come here!

Get in here!

Yeah, be right over.

Come here!

Come here a minute! Get in here!

Get in here! Get in here!

Hold your head there, hold your head there!

Hold it in there!

Hold that!

Everyone is so nice to me.

I'm afraid my pumpkin shell

is going to change back into mice.

But please don't disappear at midnight.

I'd have to go all through that glass slipper routine

to find you again.

Of course, if I knew your name,

I could save a lot of time looking for you.

I'm Elsie Hammerdingle.

Look, I'm serious.

I'd like to see you again.

I'm not kidding.

My name is Elsie Hammerdingle, and I drive a taxicab.

Okay, okay, so you're Elsie Hammerdingle.

I'll see you at the Winthrop weekend party, won't I?

- Well, I... - You've gotta be there.

We'll drive out together, I'll pick you up.

But I tell you, I'm a taxi driver.

Sure, sure, you're a taxi driver.

Who is that new girl dancing with Peter Evans?

They're both dressed as taxi drivers.

Hm, looks like competition.

Well, what do I do now?

Didn't you learn anything in that finishing school?

Ah!

Oh!

What in the world are they doing in there?

Run for the hills!

The whole town is flooded!

Help, help!

Come on, come on!

Help!

I wouldn't write 'em any note.

I'd punch 'em in the nose.

I think this letter will do it.

"To the Atlas Plumbing Company.

"Sirs, your behavior last night

"was an outrageous exhibition.

"If you dare send us a bill,"

"we will sue you for the damages"

"you inflicted upon our home."

"Should we ever have plumbing trouble again"

"and you appear upon our premises,"

"we shall have you assaulted physically by our servants."

I'd still punch 'em in the nose.

A letter, Mrs. Van Cleve.

Thank you, Parker.

Oh Henry, listen to this.

"Dear friends, I would be delighted to have you"

"as my guests at Briarwood during the coming weekend."

"I'm looking forward to seeing you again."

"Your friend, Mrs. Roger Winthrop."

I'd still punch 'em in the nose.

Makes me furious when I think of

what they did to our costume party.

Especially that little fat scoundrel.

This letter should be written in blood.

Their blood!

Parker, get this off to those plumbers immediately.

Very well.

- Hey, Eddie. - What?

Oh, stop it.

What are you doing, what are you doing?

What's the matter?

Take it easy, take it easy!

You all right?

What is this?

That's an invite.

"Dear friends, I would be delighted to have you"

"as my guests at Briarwood during the coming weekend."

"I am looking forward to seeing you again."

"Your friend, Mrs. Roger Winthrop."

Hey, this is our big chance.

Do you know those big estates up there

have four and five bathrooms each?

Four and five bathrooms?

In one house?

Certainly!

Eddie, that's a lot of plumbing.

That's what I'm thinking of.

If we go up there and act as though we belong in society,

we can get all that business.

Why, we'd make a fortune.

You sure we'd make a fortune?

Certainly!

Then I can marry Elsie Hammerdingle.

Oh!

Oh yes, Eddie, we made an agreement.

Ever since the day I made a ring

outta the gum wrapper and I

put it on her thumb.

Can you imagine me, Mr. Elsie Hammerdingle,

the society plumber?

We're really goin' places!

Hello, boys, goin' somewhere?

Yeah, we got an invitation to go to Mrs. Winthrop's.

But it's only for two.

Him and I.

How's the plumbing business?

All right.

We manage to keep our head above water.

Well, that's fine.

You know, I just dropped in to see you about

that little loan I gave you.

Let me see.

It's a thousand dollars, isn't it?

Yeah, yes.

But you just loaned it to us.

You'll have to give us a little time to pay it back.

Oh, that's all right, I'm in no hurry.

I know it takes time to get a business going.

Meanwhile, I'd like you to do me a little favor.

Why, sure.

You boys don't wanna be plumbers all your lives.

Oh, no, we hope someday to be electricians.

Your business takes you into some pretty rich homes.

There's a lot of valuable properties there

worth a lot of money.

Hey, wait a minute.

You wouldn't commit a crime, would you?

Sure!

No thanks, Mr. Drexel.

We'll just keep on being plain, everyday plumbers.

I never told you fellows this,

but I'm quite a fortune teller.

I can see into the future.

I see two plumbers.

They're doing pretty good.

More competition.

But they're double-crossing a friend of theirs

who gave them their start.

That's what I call bein' ungrateful.

I have no use for those kind of people.

This friend of theirs is getting mad.

Now he wants them to cooperate with him

or to pay back the money he gave them.

He's giving them till six o'clock tonight to get it.

But suppose they can't get it by six o'clock tonight?

Then I see two plumbers floating down the river.

And one of them's a little fat guy.

What's the matter?

- The joke is on him. - Why?

I can't swim.

Hey, wait a minute.

There's only two things left to do.

Number one, we've gotta get

that thousand dollars by six o'clock.

Number two, if we don't, we've gotta get out of town.

Oh, we're in serious trouble.

No, we're not, wait a minute.

Hey, it's a lucky thing that Mrs. Winthrop

invited us to that weekend affair.

Drexel will never expect to find us there.

Come on.

Hey, Eddie.

- Wait a minute, Eddie. - What?

We just can't walk out on the shop like this.

Let's give it a thought for a second.

That's long enough.

Come on, let's go.

Hello, Dan.

Oh hello, Eddie, how are you?

Swell.

Where you bound for?

We're gonna spend the weekend up at Briarwood.

- Briarwood? - Yeah.

Say, you can do me a favor.

Sure, Dan.

You've gotta pass Bagel Street, see?

Where's Bagel Street?

Bagel Street, all you have to do is ask anybody.

- It's on our way? - It's on your way.

Sure.

I want you to deliver these hats

to the Susquehanna Hat Company.

They sent me straws instead of derbies.

Oh sure, that's simple enough.

- Will you do that? - Hey, Eddie!

It's about time you got here.

Why didn't ya wait for me?

We're goin' up to Briarwood to spend the weekend.

And this guy's, does he go without me?

- Put your... - Okay.

Okay, Dan, we'll take care of it.

- Thank you ever so much. - Okay, Dan.

- How have you been? - Good.

Hey, keep an eye on our plumber shop while we're gone.

- I'll be glad to. - Okay.

Hold those hats, we've gotta deliver...

What are you doing with hats?

You've gotta deliver these to the Susquehanna Hat Shop.

Where?

It's on Bagel Street.

Where's Bagel Street?

I don't know, we'll ask somebody.

It's on our way down there.

How much you say they are?

$7.50 apiece.

How do I look with a seven-and-a-half-dollar hat on?

Let me see.

Hey, kind of spiffy.

Okay?

All right, carry those, but don't get it dirty.

- Let's go. - Be careful.

- Bagel Street, eh? - Bagel Street.

- We'll ask somebody. - We'll ask somebody.

Here, ask this fellow where Bagel Street is.

Okay.

Excuse me, can you tell me where Bagel Street is?

Sorry, buddy, I haven't got a dime.

Who's asking you for money?

I'm only asking you where Bagel Street is.

Do I know where Bagel Street is?

Of course I know where Bagel Street is.

What do I look like, a dummy?

Do I look like I just got off a boat?

Is there a tag on my lapel saying

I just came from Ellis Island?

Of course I know where Bagel Street is.

I was born and raised on Bagel Street.

My brother was born on Bagel Street.

Do you know my brother?

I don't know, I'm askin' you...

Why should you go around talkin' about my brother?

I'll have you understand my brother

was one of the finest boys that ever walked in shoe leather.

My brother was an honor student at school.

Go ahead, say something nasty about my brother.

Say something like he shouldn't get a parole.

I'm asking you where Bagel Street is.

A common, ordinary citizen

just asked another fellow where Bagel Street is.

I gotta deliver these hats to the Susquehanna Hat Company.

Susquehanna Hat Company?

Leave go of me!

Is that a Susquehanna hat?

Yeah.

You know who makes these hats?

- I don't know... - Child labor!

Little girls 13, 14 years old.

Little girls with curls down to here.

They work 13, 14 hours a day.

They work in a sweatshop all day long.

Here's what I think of a Susquehanna hat,

and look at that band!

Imitation leather, just like paper!

And look, I wouldn't give you...

- Seven-and-a-half dollars! - Ow!

Mm.

- What's the matter? - You're puttin' a wire

in there for me to cut my finger.

That's the worst thing I ever saw!

Boy, the Susquehanna Hat Company,

that's what I think of them!

You know what that's gonna cost you, don't you?

Give 'em back to Dan.

$7.50.

You broke one of Dan's hats.

Look, all I did was put a hat on my head.

Did I ask the guy to take it off?

That's enough.

It's the way you ask him.

You ask the next guy.

Come on, never mind, let's find Bagel Street.

Here, ask this lady where Bagel Street is.

Excuse me lady, could you tell me where Bagel Street is?

Bagel Street?

Why did you have to remind me of Bagel Street?

My husband was killed on Bagel Street, do you hear?

My husband was killed on Bagel Street!

I don't understand this.

I wanna go to the Susquehanna Hat Company and...

The Susquehanna Hat Company?

Is that a Susquehanna hat?

That's the same kind of hat

my husband was wearing when he was killed.

And he wouldn't have lost his life

if he'd been wearing a good hat when that safe

fell out of that 15-story building!

But no!

He was wearing a hat like this one!

Oh, that's the cheapest grade of straw I ever saw!

Oh, my husband's dead!

He's dead, he's dead!

He ain't dead, lady, he's hidin'!

Now, listen!

- Dead guy. - Just a minute.

That's two hats you've broken.

Now you know how much you owe Derby Dan?

How much do I owe Derby Dan now?

$15.

- $15? - Yeah.

And stop insulting women.

Look, all I asked her is where was Bagel Street?

Bagel Street?

Bagel Street!

Don't ever mention that name, I can't stand it.

It drives me crazy!

Bagel Street!

Oh!

Wait a minute.

Will you hold that still?

Give him back the hats!

Take that box.

Go on down there and find out where Bagel Street is.

- Hey, Eddie. - What?

How much do I owe Dan now?

$22.50.

I'm gonna try just one more.

Be careful of that one, will you please?

Yes, sir.

Hey, wait a minute, I've got an idea.

I'm gonna run back to our plumbing shop

and get some of those little business cards of ours.

We can give them away to those

society people up in Briarwood.

Very good business idea.

But find out where Bagel Street is, please!

Okay, I'll ask another guy that comes along.

I'll ask anybody, I don't care.

Excuse me, mister.

Could you please tell me where Bagel Street is?

Bagel Street?

Don't ask me where Bagel Street is.

A terrible thing happened to me on Bagel Street.

I was walking along minding my own business,

and a safe fell from a 15-story building on my head

and killed me!

A safe fell 15 floors, fell on your head, and killed ya?

Yes.

Then as long as you're dead,

there's no use asking you where

the Susquehanna Hat Company is.

Susquehanna Hat!

That's the hat I was wearing the day that I was killed!

And you ask me about a,

that isn't worth wearing?

That's the kind of a hat that I was...

Oh, no!

And you ask me...

Eddie!

Eddie!

You're asking me about...

I'm so sorry, I think I've broken your hat.

You think you've broken?

Yeah.

This is the fourth Susquehanna hat...

Susquehanna hat!

Hey, what's the matter here?

What are you doing to my place?

Hey, police, help, help, help!

What's going on here?

This fellow here, that big fellow,

is trying to kick the little fellow, my friend!

A tough guy?

Come on, boyo!

You can't take me to jail.

Oh, no?

I'm dead.

You can't take me to jail!

Oh yes, we can.

Come on, my boy.

He's crazy!

Yeah, what can I do for you, now, Albert?

Luigi, how can I get to the Susquehanna Hat Company?

Susquehanna!

Susquehanna!

- Luigi, what's the matter? - Susquehanna!

Luigi, Luigi, Luigi!

Luigi, Luigi, no!

Luigi, no!

Luigi, Luigi!

Luigi!

Luigi, what are you doin'?

Luigi!

Susquehanna!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

Beautiful out here, isn't it?

Wonderful.

It would be heavenly if I could only

get used to you driving.

Oh, I get it.

In the taxi business, you drive.

Say, what is all this mystery about you?

It's no mystery to me.

Here we go again.

You're Elsie Hammerdingle, queen of the cabbies.

Yet I met you at the Van Cleve costume ball.

It doesn't make sense.

Peter, how about letting it go at that?

Just for this weekend?

That's all right with me.

Oh, you men are all alike, Eddie.

I clean and slave here eight hours a day,

and you guys bring in all the dust.

All you men!

- Shush, shush, shush, shush. - My goodness,

I never seen anything like this.

Take it easy now.

- Eddie. - What's the matter?

This is the nicest thing you did for me today.

What's that?

When you saved these hats for me.

Ah, sure.

I think there's only one left too in there.

Sure.

Hey, Eddie.

You did a nice job.

I think I'll just try just one more on.

- You can try one more. - Oh, I look so...

But what excuse are we going to give

to the Susquehanna Hat Shop?

Susquehanna!

Take it easy.

This is a fine time to lay down.

I wasn't laying down!

Clean the place up.

Clean the place up!

Sit down, Eddie, rest.

Sit down, rest, take it easy.

- Susquehanna! - I mean, I...

Get it, get it, get it!

I got it, I got it!

Ooh!

Oh no, oh no!

How are you, Pipps?

Fine, thank you, sir, and you?

Fine.

Peter, I'm delighted.

The weekend wouldn't have been the same without you.

Now, run right to the pool.

Gloria is there putting together a musical number

for the lawn party this afternoon.

That's fine, we'll go right over.

We?

You know Elsie.

How do you do, my dear?

I don't believe we've ever met.

Of course you met Elsie, at the Van Cleve costume ball.

Oh, one of their horsey set.

Well, any friend of Peter's is welcome to Briarwood.

Will you be quite comfortable?

Oh yes, your butler showed me to a lovely guest room.

How charming.

I do hope you'll enjoy your weekend, my dear.

Thank you.

Come on, let's find Gloria.

Peter!

Hello, Gloria!

Now the weekend is a success.

Thanks for those kind words.

Elsie and I drove up together.

Elsie?

You know Miss...

Oh, of course, you sang at the Van Cleve costume ball.

That's right.

And you wore a cab driver's outfit.

And it's certainly a relief to get out of that uniform.

I can't get over this place, it's so beautiful.

I'm sure your estate is just as large.

No, we live over the grocery store.

Am I hearing things?

Hallucinations.

Thinks she's a lady taxicab driver named Elsie Hammerdingle.

Not even a hyphen between the Hammer and the dingle.

What, no hyphen?

That's just too, too whimsical.

But if you care for that kind of humor,

from now on I'll be Gussy Pumpernickel, lady janitor.

This way, gentlemen, please.

Are you quite sure you've come to the right place?

Oh yes, we have an invitation, mister.

Oh, you needn't call me mister.

I'm the butler.

Okay, Mr. Butler.

Here's the invitation.

She give it to us right there.

- Yes. - Thank you.

Here's your room, gentlemen.

I hope you like it.

Like it?

Who in the world wouldn't like this room?

You mean this one room for the two of us?

- And another thing. - What's the matter?

Who cut this bed in half?

They're twin beds.

Do we look like twins?

Will you keep quiet?

Of course, you have a very rigorous schedule here.

You bath at 10, you brunch at 11, you tea at two.

I always have a very, very ridgerous schedule.

I always do.

I washbasin at eight, and then I doughnut at nine,

I pinball machine at 10, I hamburger and onions at 11,

and then I bicarbonate of soda at 12.

That settles everything.

It sure does.

Pay no attention to my friend here.

He's very eccentric, but very, very wealthy.

If you'll pardon me, gentlemen, I'll be back in a moment.

Yeah, sure.

- Say. - What's the matter?

The Winthrops, they're very fine people.

Why?

Look at all the nice clothes they're lending us.

Well, let 'em think that we're used to it, you know.

Don't act surprised.

And remember your etiquette.

- Etiquette? - Etiquette.

You tryin' to tell me?

You can't learn me nothin' like that.

You don't even know how to say the word.

Not etiquette.

- Eh... - No, eh-tick-it-tee.

Etiquette!

Eh-tick-it-tee!

I said etiquette!

You don't have to tell me

about all the stuff because my mother

told me the right road from the wrong road.

And if my mother thought I was gonna do something wrong,

she would always tell me.

Because I had the right kind of bringing up.

Gentlemen, your bath is drawn.

Erase it.

What?

Rub it out!

Shh, not so loud.

My friend is very humorous too.

You've got to take a bath!

Quiet, not so loud!

Right?

- Quite. - Right.

Well, sir, if I may start undressing you now?

You're gonna undress me?

Yes, sir.

The last person that ever undressed me was my mother,

and that was a year ago.

A year ago?

You gotta start to learn to undress yourself

sometime or other by yourself, don't you?

Right.

- Quite. - Right.

- Oh. - Oh.

Now sir, if you'll allow me, I'll take your coat.

Thank you.

- Shall I? - Give the man your coat.

Okay, okay.

Don't want no arguments in here.

Your tie, sir.

Handle this stuff very nicely.

Your tie, sir.

Don't fight, now, take it easy.

Give the man...

Please, please, please, please, please.