Original subtitles

[police siren blaring] [drum-heavy swing music]

[singing] It's Zeroman! Ba da, ba da.

It's Zeroman! Ba da, ba da.

It's Zeroman! Ba da, ba da.

It's Zeroman! Ba da, ba da.

Save our city!

Ba da, ba da.

[flames roaring]

[fast-paced metal music]

[alarm bell ringing]

[people screaming]

Taste sweet freedom, my minnowy minions,

and join me in my army of the deep!

[Salmonella breathes heavily]

Freeze, Salmonella.

Zeroman!

Do you have any idea what jostling that bag does

to little fishes? It makes them woozy

and their bulgey eyes to bulge even more.

Now put the fish down and step away.

[Salmonella wheezes]

Your time is at hand, my fishies.

Save me, save your queen!

So many tiny fins!

[Zeroman mumbling]

[motor whirring]

[tires screeching]

[motor accelerating]

[bones crunching]

I think we all know what's wrong with this picture.

If Zeroman had ducked here and thrown a head fake there,

he could have rolled left, then picked Salmonella off

as she passed in the car, avoiding injury

and serious embarrassment.

Yes. Excellent. Top notch chalk talk there, Ty.

You would've made a terrific man at action.

But instead, he's stuck down here. Hey, Zeroman.

Watching others do what he can only dream of doing.

Too bad.

And it's doubly too bad that Ty can't share his invaluable

insight at this weekend's superhero summit.

The one time each year when superheroes and villains alike

vow to cease hostilities in order to hone their craft.

And have room service. We sure are gonna miss you, Ty.

Gary, we talked about this.

No eager untrained sidekicks allowed.

So instead, I guess you're stuck down here,

watching others do what you can only dream of doing.

Too bad.

[Gary growls]

Welcome to the hotel. I hope you enjoy your stay.

I'm hotel clerk Clark. If you have any questions,

feel free to ask.

I have a question, Clark.

Why is this taking so long?

Patience, Impatient Guy.

Man, can we just check in and get to our rooms

while we're still young?

And let this be a first lesson to us all.

A superhero is always patient, ever vigilant in his wait

for truth, justice, and room keys.

The next two days are designed to help us make the

best collective we that we can be, and-

Enough already, we get the point.

I mean, just look at this place.

I don't think we could have picked a more perfect,

out-of-the-way think tank, completely closed off

from the outside world. Free of distractions of any kind.

[glass shatters]

Booya!. Rusty and his gang of nuts are in da house.

Zeroman!

Rusty Woodenwater.

What are you and your band of no-goods doing here?

Well, I could ask you the same thing.

[suspenseful music]

Well?

Oh, is it me? We booked this fine family establishment

for our superhero summit.

Impossible. We booked this rundown dive

for our own supervillain summit.

Well, that's just great.

I'm not staying at the same convention with them.

They don't even have proper name tags.

Name tags. We don't need no stinking name tags.

You know I'm Taco Bill. I know he is Zeroman.

Let Zeroman go, Mr. Taco-

Oh, I wish you had a name tag.

Drop it or I'll blow you away.

[guns clicking]

Holster your hostilities and remember what we're here for.

And Rusty, have you and your cojones

forgotten about the truth?

He's right. We did agree to lay off the hostilities

until after the weekend.

But the weekend doesn't officially begin

until we've checked in. Right?

Well, technically, yes.

[fist thumps]

The name is Woodenwater. Rusty Woodenwater.

Consider me and my party officially checked in.

[Rusty cackles]

You just gotta do it quick.

Gee, I thought that suit made you, like,

impervious to pain and stuff.

It does, Gullible Guy. But the alien weave

has always been a little thin in certain areas.

[Zeroman groans]

All right, super friends. Lights out.

Time to tuck yourselves in. We have a busy day tomorrow.

Lights out? This sucks!

It's only eight o'clock.

You heard me, Impatient Lab.

Man!

Don't make me come in there and slap the sleeper on you.

Ah, sweet silence. It's nice that Rusty and his fast crowd

have listened to reason. I'm sure we'll have

no further tomfoolery from them. Crazy rotten kids.

[alarm bell ringing]

Fire alarm! Fire alarm! Come on, everybody, out!

No pushing. No shoving. Just like we practiced.

Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop!

[alarm bell continues ringing]

We made it! Once again, our razor sharp reaction time

has allowed us to slip through death's icy grasp,

and in good time, too.

We're all so glad that everyone got out,

because we sure wouldn't wanna miss anyone.

Would we, gang?

[water sprays]

[people scream]

[Rusty cackles]

I love flaunty conventions. I really do.

[Impatient Guy screams]

That tears it!

It's time to take out the trailer trash!

Not on my watch, friends. We've taken a sworn oath

to refrain from engaging our enemies.

We cannot retaliate, no matter how foolish

and immature they may be.

[water sprays] [crowd screams]

I'm telling management.

I haven't had this much fun at someone else's expense

since Ralph Benmergui got canceled.

You got that right, kid. But I can't help thinkin'

how ripe for picking Fair City must be right now,

with no superheroes in town, and all.

It's a golden criminal opportunity, all right.

Even though every criminal we know is here.

Not exactly, my good men. For this very moment,

a mysterious tour bus should be bowling into the heart

of unprotected Fair City, ferrying a gifted young newcomer

to our dark art.

[Gangster] So who is this crooked rookie?

Oh, just a little someone that I've taken under my wing.

A tragically hip shock and roll high schooler

that travels by the name of...

Van Walen!

[electric guitar music]

Hello, Fair City!

Are you ready to rock?

[heavy metal music] [dog barking]

I say, look there, Marjorie.

It's one of those rock and or rollers.

I believe you're right, Miles.

There goes the neighborhood.

You can say that again, stuffy dudes!

[guitar note wails] [laser zaps]

Righteous!

Right on! Party on!

Precisely what I had in mind, my loyal Dead Head fans.

Now, let's trash this jaunt!

[heavy rock music]

[guitar wails]

[people screaming]

[guitar wails]

[people screaming]

Oh my. Oh dear. There's trouble!

Trouble right here in Fair City.

[Mayor grunting]

Must call for help! Fire off the Zero signal.

[flames roaring] [Mayor screams]

Finally some peace and quiet.

[alarm blares]

Oh, great. This is just perfect.

I bet the mayor got lost again.

[door slams]

Hi, Ty. Glad to see you finally come out of the closet.

Gary, what are you doing here?

Don't you have disposable income to go spend freely?

Gobs of it. But when the call to action goes up,

this is the only place to be.

There are gray flaming holds flying everywhere.

Isn't that great?

No, it's supposed to be all quiet this weekend.

Though knowing the mayor, I'm sure it's nothing.

That's right, nothing a boy can't handle!

Just keep your shirt on until I find out

what this is all about. Come in, mayor.

Oh, at last. Are you there?

I can't see you!

That's because I don't want you to.

We've been over this.

He has a life outside of this, you know.

Not much of a life, but it's a life.

So what is it this time, mayor? Got your head stuck

in the railing again? A stubborn pickle jar

that needs opening? What?

It can't be anything really urgent, because every villain

and crook is out of town.

Every known villain.

[people gasp]

[heavy metal music]

[guitar wails] [explosion booms]

[guitar wails]

Righteous!

[guitar wails]

[people scream]

Whoa, but my note.

Mr. Woodenwater's scoutin' you

right now, dude. It's your big chance,

so you stay gnarly, and you get it right, okay?

Rusty W is dependin' on me!

There you are, little list. And it is written

in the form of a soon-to-be classic

Man Walen wailin' song

that goes like this.

[singing] Dear man, blow their minds with your Axco blaster.

I can be their lord and master. Set your sights

on city hall. Rock the mayor and the rest will fall.

Do it loud, and do it right, and you will tour

with me for life!

[Man Walen screams]

[lighters flicking]

We can't take any chances. The safety of the city

is at stake. We have to call Zeroman.

Zeroman? Why bother Zeroman when you've got me?

O Boy!

O Boy?

Oh, boy.

That's right, O Boy. You remember, Mayor.

Zeroman's trusty second and wiley ward.

Oh, right! O Boy.

Oh boy, oh boy, we're saved!

Zeroman's wiley O Boy will handle this.

O Boy won't be handling anything.

He's not field tested or wiley. Just very annoying.

We're calling Z-man on the emergency number

he left on the fridge. Right now.

[Gary chewing]

Oh, great. Just perfect.

What number? What?

Nice job, O Boy. Now we have no way to call Zeroman

even if we want to.

[suspenseful music]

[hammer pounding]

[panel beeps]

[steam hisses]

[bodies thumping]

[fist pounding]

[liquid dripping]

[suspenseful piano music]

[bodies thumping]

[people groaning]

[Rusty laughs]

I don't know about you guys, but I'm feeling

like a badder and more complete supervillain already.

You got that right, kid. We're definitely becoming

the worst we's that we can be.

Don't you mean we that we can be?

Bowango!

[people laughing]

We can do it, Ty!

I have a life outside of this, my own secret identity

to protect. What am I supposed to do?

Whip up some quick and dirty superhero persona,

just like that?

I know you want it, Ty. I'll get you

any fashion designer you want. Your choice of materials.

It doesn't have to be dirty at all.

Just quick! I think there's someone at the front door!

[heavy metal music] - Knock, knock!

[singing] Knocking on your front door!

Did you hear that? He's destroying city property,

and now he's coming to destroy me!

Oh, will someone please leap into action?

Your mayor really, really needs you!

So what do you say, partner? Shall we suit up?

[Ty And so it came to pass that a new avenger

was born. Spawn of cruel necessity and lithe of limb

from years of yoga. This dark angel of mercy

had not one life, nay. But nine. For I am the kitten

in the lap of kindness, bouncing on the wooly balls

of bad guys the world over as...

Hellcat!

And Holy Cow!

Strike up the band, man. Because this cat has claws.

Superfriends, I fear the sanctity of

our no-hostilities truce has been broken.

For it was during a surprise foot locker inspection

that I found whoopee cushions, fake doggy doo, fire ants,

and the most damning evidence of all,

detailed instructions on how to plastic wrap

the toilet seat of an unsuspecting toilet seat sitter.

He did say sitter, right?

Yeah, that's right. We were planning a counter-attack.

You caught us red-handed in pink uniform.

Look what they did to our laundry.

I don't know about the rest of you guys,

but they're gonna pay for this. It was brand new.

No, I implore you, Impatient Guy.

Don't let one red sock spoil it for the whole bunch.

And believe me when I say that I feel your pain.

For I, too, am up to here with their shenanigans.

[Zeroman breaks wind] [Zeroman groans]

On that, you have my word and testaminny, uh, mony.

I swear if Rusty persists on spoiling our good guy time,

we'll pack up our pink belongings and go home.

[crowd cheers]

[men gulp]

[Rusty screams]

He said what?

Do you have any idea what this means?

It means that if Zeroman goes home early,

my plan is ruined. He'll pull the plug

on the whole Man Walen experience.

Oh, right. Your coming home party.

So, as much as it kills me to say this,

from here on out, we have to be good bad guys

on our best behavior, and no more pranks.

[trap slams]

I, like, know you're in here, Mayor MacWald.

[guitar wails]

There's no use hidin'!

For in a few scared bars, you, too, will become

part of my ever-expanding Dead Head family.

[guitar wails]

I'll assume you didn't get the memo,

but there aren't supposed to be any villains

in town this weekend.

[Hellcat] Oh, I wouldn't play that if I were you, man.

And as for this one-man show of yours,

consider it canceled.

By Hellcat and Holy Cow.

Hellcat!

And Holy Cow?

You're like, kidding, right?

[Hellcat laughs]

Misguided and misinformed.

That's a losing combination, eh, Holy Cow?

I guess.

And my guess is that it's time for this particular show

to hit the-

[Hellcat shouts]

Holy cow crap!

They say that timing is everything in this game,

little cow boy. But isn't your little kitty, like,

supposed to land on his feet?

Ty, you took that full in the head.

Are you OK? Good to go, buddy?

Say something! Speak to me!

Oh yeah, let's rock. I am so totally stoked

at this juncture my little bovine dude.

[Ty snickers] Oh yeah.

Are you ready to rock?

Hey, nice set of strings.

Is that a Vancaster 3000 axe guitar

with solid platinum bridges and a built-in whammy bar?

It is, my fellow rock dude.

Good to see that it is being appreciated.

Now, prepare for your stairway to heaven.

Whoa, I hear you, man.

But what if I told you I could outfit the Man Walen

experience with the latest in rock equipment?

My little bovine dude, let's get ready to rock.

[lounge music]

Okay, look sharp. Here he comes.

And so to sum up, if you are not prepared to do the time,

then why not just don't do the crime. That's all I'm saying.

My feeling exactly, Rusty.

And I must say, it's terrific to see your team finally

playing ball, which is why I'm here.

You know, after we wrap up this exercise

to improve our other super senses, I was wondering

if you'd like to help us put these sturdy bats

to good use in a team-building game of softball.

[suspenseful music]

Rusty, please?

Put it outta your minds, gang. Stay strong.

We're in this together.

And give us the strength of will not to smite

our stupid enemies. In this, we beg you.

[Group] Amen.

Ah, prayer, eh, Rusty? The last refuge

of a desperate man.

Hey, is that an anti-personality feet-seeking stunt gun?

With over and under muscle confounders. Feel the weight.

We were wondering if you'd mind holding these for us

while we take a quick knee for a team prayer.

No, absolutely not. We couldn't.

For gosh sakes, kid. We're only inhuman!

This had better be worth it. That's all I have to say.

[Rusty cries]

Holy Cow. Thanks for the hookups.

The Mitchell 10,000 is amazing.

And the venue is stellar!

[screaming] Hello, Fair City! Are you ready to rock?

Crank it, dude. Let's see what this amp can do!

[feedback blaring]

I say, Miles. You look horrible.

As do you, Marjorie. What say we go medieval

on a pizza pie?

Oh, dudes. Look what you did to my guitar!

My gnarly, nuke-fueled axe! It's gonna be

in the shop for, like, ever!

You can spend that time thinking about what you've done.

It's the juvie hole shame for you, son.

[Man Walen cries]

[handcuffs click]

So what do you say, partner? Why bother Zeroman

when you've got me? Victory is ours!

Not yet, Holy Cow. We have but one task left to perform.

Really? A parade in our honor?

Getting the key to the city?

Actually, we have to clean this mess up

before you-know-who gets home. I'll sweep, you mop.

[Rusty sighs]

Thank God it's over. This has been the longest two days

of my life and I've done press and Moose Jaw.

It was a rocky start, but I have to say,

in the end it turned into a worthwhile weekend.

Oh you do, do you? You have to say that?

Well, that's easy for you to say, because I just

found out my big homecoming plans fell through!

Which means I went through all this,

spent an entire weekend with Zero Dick

and a squad of dorks and wads for nothing!

I'll show you dorks and wads!

For the love of God, Zeroman. How much longer

do you expect us to take this abuse from him?

Patience, Impatient Guy. The truce isn't officially over.

At least until we've checked out.

Isn't that right, Rusty?

Well, technically, yes.

[bell ringing]

Clark! Zeroman here, notifying one and all

that my party and I have officially checked out.

[fist thumps]

Ah, nuts.

[fists thumping]

I really do spoil these kids. Hold on, there.

That's no way to take a punch.

Now here, let me show you!

[Zeroman laughs]

Boy, it sure is good to be back.

The old hometown hasn't changed a bit.

[Ty laughs]

Why should it happen? You were only gone for two days.

Yeah, we just played music, tried on some new outfits.

[Ty sighs]

Brought the city back from the brink

of total annihilation, you know.

[Ty chuckles] Same old, same old.

The music is mighty interesting.

Would you turn it up a bit?

[fast-paced music]

♪ Zero! ♪

♪ Man! ♪

♪ Here comes Zeroman! ♪

♪ Zeroman! Countdown has started. ♪

♪ Looking for a hero man! ♪

♪ Five, four, three, two, one, here comes Zeroman! ♪

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