Original subtitles

[drumming music]

[sirens blaring]

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba-duh-bah-duh ♪

[upbeat instrumental music]

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba-duh-bah-duh ♪

[audience clapping]

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba-duh-bah-duh ♪

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba-duh-bah-duh ♪

[upbeat instrumental music]

♪ Save the city ♪

[Zeroman thumping]

[tense instrumental music]

♪ Ba-duh-bah-duh ♪

[tire whooshing]

[fire crackling]

[tense instrumental music]

[cheery instrumental music]

[door opening]

Mother, I'm home.

There's a scary black car in the driveway. Do we have-

[Mother] Sit down, son.

Company? Thanks. But I've got to-

Sit down, son.

[tense instrumental music]

Calmly, Jaundice, calmly.

Allow me to handle this.

Les, I am Reverend Love Glove.

Hello, Father.

Not Father. Reverend.

Forgive me, Father.

As well as being an ordained minister.

I am what is called a romantic interventionist.

Ah a romantic interventionist, you say?

I too am intolerant, but for me it's lactose.

[Les laughing] Oh, and I can't eat cheese on Fridays

or was that ice cream?

It's something dairy.

Shut up. He's here to help you.

Calmly, Jaundice, calmly.

Les, what we are doing here today is

called a romantic intervention.

We need to deal with your inability

to forge anything remotely resembling

a romantic relationship

So you can move the heck outta my house.

But I don't have a problem with relationships, Father,

and I wouldn't dream of moving out

and abandoning my beloved mommy.

Abandoned me. Please! Abandon me.

Calmly, Jaundice, calmly.

Allow me to handle this.

This is denial.

You are romantically challenged.

You have no girlfriend, no prospects.

You're still living at home, and you're 64 years old.

Not for three weeks, Father.

You are a pathetic, lonely loser.

When was the last time you had an actual date

with an actual woman?

When that didn't come with a foot pump, huh?

Answer me, huh? Huh? Huh?

[birds calling]

[instrumental music]

[man singing]

Hello, Ty.

I need to talk to you and Gary about something

Gary's not in yet. And have you been crying?

Crying? Ty? I'm a man of zeal.

Men of zeal don't cry.

That would be [electricity zapping]

ridiculous. [Zeroman crying]

Z Man. Come on now.

Get it together. Get a grip.

Stop crying for crying out loud.

What's wrong with you?

[Zeroman crying]

Everything.

Mother and the Father are right.

I'm romantically challenged.

I'm hopeless. I have no love life.

I'm hopelessly in love with Sally, but my love is hopeless.

Do you hear? [Zeroman crying]

Hope, hope, hopeless.

[Zero man crying]

Why would you say that?

Well, it's far too dangerous for any woman

to be involved with me.

It's the curse of the superhero.

Oh, if only sweet Sally Uberchick

were interested in Les Mutton and not Zeroman.

[Zeroman crying]

But what are you talking about?

Just this morning, she asked you to take her

to her high school reunion, remember?

She asked Les not Zeroman.

Yes.

Maybe I should accept her invitation as a friend so

that we can both attend the reunion and talk importantly

as only two friendly friends can.

Strictly as friends of course.

What do you think, Ty?

I think I'll go change.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[man whistling]

Why Les Mutton, aren't you the handsome devil?

I don't know how I'm gonna keep the other girls off you

with that snappy tux and the shine shoes.

I'm really glad you came tonight, Les,

because I have something I need to talk to you about.

I've been offered a job in another city

and well since I don't see any real future

for me here, professionally or personally,

I was kind of thinking I should take it

unless you have a better idea.

Talk to me, Les.

I really need to know what you think.

Well, Sally, I think you should reconsider.

Well if it isn't sweet Sally Uberchick.

[man laughing]

Gee, Sally, if you needed a date,

you could have called me instead of the old folks home.

[man snorting]

I see you guys haven't changed a bit

except for the comb overs, beer bellies,

and the unmistakable stink of failure.

Holy crap. Look who showed up. It's the Wet Willies.

[Man] Check out their date.

Greetings fellow alumni.

Long time no see.

Get us a couple of drinks, would you, baby?

And don't spare the ice.

Yes, masters.

One side. Hot chick coming through.

Whoa.

Looks like you two odds have scored big since high school.

Yeah. What have you dorks been up to all this time?

[clothing snaps]

Climbing the ladder at computer shop?

[man laughing]

Funny you should ask.

Blaine, it's time for sweet payback.

Raging wedgy butt.

Yes. That's it my robot slaves.

Leave no jocks' skull unnoogied.

[men laughing]

[machines beeping]

[characters groaning]

[men laughing]

[machines beeping]

[man slamming]

[man groaning]

[men laughing]

Les, they're everywhere.

In my hair, in my face, in my,

whoah, Les!

Ow, hey. Keep your claws to yourself.

Les. Les.

Noogies and wedgies are my...

Like a job for for Zeroman,

but I'll need a clever rouse

in order to slip away into my super suit.

Think, man, think.

Sorry, Sally.

I seem to be suffering strobe light-induced disco-seizure

that runs in by family.

[machines beeping]

[Les groaning]

I'll only be a minute.

[tense instrumental music]

Sounds like an evil reunion in here.

It's wedgie bods and noogie bots galore.

Wet Willies, I have zero plans for you.

When I get finished with these bots,

I'm gonna show you what zero pain feels like.

[characters screaming]

[machines beeping]

[tense instrumental music]

[machines beeping]

[man cackling]

[machines beeping]

There's too many to take on a single [indistinct]

[Zeroman whooshing]

[machine beeping]

[tense instrumental music]

[machine beeping]

[tense instrumental music]

Ow. Hey!

Keep your claws to yourself. Whoah. Les! Les!

[machines beeping]

[machine scratching hair]

[machines beeping]

[fabric stretching]

[Zeroman slamming]

[dishes crashing]

[machine sizzling]

[tense instrumental music]

Curse you man of zeal. You'll pay for this.

[tense instrumental music]

Now then. Where were we boys?

Oh yes. Taste sweet, musky justice

you wet and willful willies.

Now go home and think about what you've done.

[bodies crashing]

[squeaking]

Oops. Pardon me, miss.

My glasses seemed to slip down.

Down my glasses. Don't look at me please.

Nothing to see here. I'm just Zeroman.

Without eyewear. [tense instrumental music]

Nothing more or less. Definitely not Les.

[tense instrumental music]

[cape whooshing]

[Sally groaning]

Les! I'd really like to go home now, please.

Les. Hey. Les.

[tense instrumental music]

Oh yes, Zeroman.

You shall pay for your interference

in our affairs. [man cackling]

With a few genius modifications,

our beautiful companion has been transformed

into a mindless killing machine.

Yeah.

Just look at those fantastic modifications.

She is now ready to exact sweet revenge

on our most despised chalk of all: Zeroman.

With her irresistible kiss of death

and joint acquire the scent.

Excellent.

Now armed with Zeroman's own armpit scent.

Our ravishing robot will track him down

wherever he resides.

[man cackling]

[instrumental music]

[Zeroman crying]

Ty, Ty, Ty, what am I going to do?

My worst fears have come true.

Because I'm Zeroman,

someone I deeply deeply care

about has become deeply, deeply wounded.

Hey, don't you think you're overreacting just a bit, huh?

Sally's a big girl. I'm sure she's fine.

Fine. But she was wedgied, Ty.

Deeply, deeply wedgied.

Maybe you don't know what that feels like.

Maybe.

And then she had to walk home alone.

Jelted and abandoned by Les Mutton.

I hate that Les Mutton, and so does Sally.

[Zeroman crying]

[machine whirring]

Jubilation.

Our ravishing assassin has followed the scent

to that Chevy suburban residence.

She's found Zeroman.

Sweet payback is at hand.

[man laughing]

Shall I break out the Peppermint Schnapps?

Not yet.

Let's see where this goes.

[tense instrumental music]

I guess I'll just have to accept the hand

that fate has dealt to me.

I am a superhero, a man of zeal

who might never find true love.

Whether it's Sally or some other woman,

the right girl for you will come along.

[doorbell dinging]

[tense instrumental music]

How about now?

It's the woman from the reunion.

She saw me as Zeroman without my glasses.

She saw what?

[tense instrumental music]

Hello, elderly female. [software whirring]

Is your male spawn at home? I have come for him.

Yes, yes. Come in.

You're late. The others are already here.

Well, I'll just call my son.

Leslie.

Whatever you've been doing in there for the last hour.

stop it right now.

Four women with desperately low expectations are waiting

for you.

[birds calling]

Leslie!

She saw you without your glasses.

Your glasses are your disguise.

Your whole secret identity is blown without them.

You're right, Ty. You're right.

Ty's always right.

And now she's tracked you here and plans

to prove that Les Mutton is Zeroman

But she seems so nice and beautiful.

You can't manufacture that kind of beauty, Ty.

There is no doubt about it.

You're about to be outed.

Cheddar Jesus, I can't let that happen.

I'm not about to be outed without a bout.

[tense instrumental music]

[Pink Panther instrumental music]

[Mother] He'll be here in a minute

Target situated in pursuit.

[tense instrumental music]

[glass crashing] - Did you see that lady?

That's the kind of get up and go we're looking for.

What is she doing?

That's the mailman, not Zeroman.

She's supposed to be stalking Zeroman. Not the mailman

Type, you idiot, type.

[tense instrumental music]

Ah, stand back, you gal there.

Don't you think I'm not hip for your dirty game.

You know who I am.

And you'll know that I know that you know who I am

because I told you so, you know,

so you know [software whirring]

and now I know that, that you know that,

that I know. [software whirring]

So don't you try to deny it and say, no, you don't know.

So what do you want?

I want to kiss you.

I see. Sexual blackmail, is it?

[Les laughing]

Well, if you think for one minute

I'm gonna cave into your perverted demands,

you've got another kiss you say, oh,

I've not been kissed for some time.

Not by a woman anyway.

And certainly not full on the lips.

[tense instrumental music]

[knife striking]

No, I'm sorry really.

[knife striking tree] I just can't be unfaithful to Sally

even though we don't actually have an actual relationship

in the actual sense.

[woman thumping on ground]

I can't. I can't. I can't.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

[fabric ripping]

[door opening]

Hello, Mrs. Mutton.

I was wondering if I could see Les for a moment.

All right, but you'll have to take a number, honey.

[ground rumbling]

Go get him girls.

And did you know my son has a huge package

of retirement savings?

[tense instrumental music]

[woman whooshing]

[tense instrumental music]

[woman running]

Sally.

Les. What's going on? What happened to you last night,

and who are all those strange women?

And why are you in your underwear?

[tense instrumental music]

Sally? I can explain.

I've never seen those strange women

in my underwear before.

[woman thudding]

[Les groaning]

Oh, yeah? What about that one?

Oh, this one I've seen.

Wait a minute. Wasn't she at the reunion?

Yes, but I have no idea why she's here now.

I want to kiss you.

[tense instrumental music]

Okay. I think I've seen all I need to see. Goodbye, Les

Sally, wait. It's not how it looks.

These full pouting lips mean nothing to me.

[tense instrumental music]

[Woman] There he is.

[tense instrumental music]

[women fighting]

[Sally] So you're telling me that was the same woman I saw

at the reunion?

Yes it was.

And you were rolling around with her in your yard

in your underwear because she's a chiropractor?

I know it sounds crazy, but she prefers to work outdoors.

Something about the fresh air and sunshine.

She said she wanted to kiss you.

Yes, she did wanna kiss me. K-I-S-S.

It's a rare chiropractic adjustment that stands

for chiropractic interspinal something.

There's no K in chiropractic

Right. She's foreign.

Uh-huh, and those other women are friends

of your mothers who want to marry you?

Apparently. It's a free country.

That's right, Les. It is. And the more I think about it,

the more I think I should take that job.

Oh Sally, I wish you wouldn't.

We've become close friends you and I.

And if you left town,

it would be like a really close friend leaving town,

leaving me without my really close friend

who I would really miss

Really? And that other girl means nothing to you?

Really? I can't fib to you Sally.

And in fact there's something

about me that I think it's time you knew.

No, Les. There's something you should know.

I'm taking that job and I'm leaving Fair City for good.

So long.

Sally. But I don't understand.

Was it something I said?

[Robot] I want to kiss you. [boxes crashing]

[Computer] United tube way activated.

Preparing for Gary Glengarry arrival.

[alarm blaring]

[Ty crashing]

[Ty groaning]

[tense instrumental music]

[carpet unrolling]

Hey Ty.

What's the boot? What's the buzz?

What's the haps? Where's Zeroman?

What's with the shirt?

What is it, Gary?

It's kind of life and death down here right now.

Hey, don't sound so thrilled to see me.

I've got that info you needed on Zeroman's stalker.

What?

I told my boys down at Glengarry Labs

to pull an all-nighter on this one.

They ran a full DNA scan on that babe's spit sample

you scraped off Les's chin.

And guess what?

What?

They really pull an all-nighter.

Now, I guess they know cuts the checks.

I mean, what did they find?

That's the weird part, my man. It's spooked.

They didn't find anything.

All right. Thank you.

No help at all. Get outta my chair.

[items crashing]

They found nothing because she doesn't have any DNA.

No DNA you said? Well, that is weird.

I don't understand it.

We've stripped her down.

Completely examined every single perfect inch of her

Several times

And still we can find nothing wrong with her.

Maybe we should call the whole thing off.

She might kill the mailman and he's a good mailman.

The best damn mailman we've ever had. He's always prompt.

Never creases our comic books, but mailman or not,

we've got to finish Zeroman off for good.

We're gonna reapply the scent and send her out again.

[man cackling]

Laugh, you idiot.

[men laughing]

[instrumental music]

[Les knocking]

Sally, what are you doing?

I was just packing.

Packing already?

No, I can't let you go.

Not until I tell you

[Les hyperventilating]

and apologize for my strange behavior lately.

Geez, Les, take it easy.

You're hyperventilating here.

Breathe into this bag and get some air.

[slow instrumental music]

[hair dryer blowing]

This isn't in my job description.

I'm a sidekick and a millionaire,

not some dutiful launderette.

Sidekick-in-training, Hazel.

And I think I've got a lock

in this leggy stalker. [computer beeping]

You know those computer signals we picked up?

They were coming from her.

[tense instrumental music]

You mean she's a spy? She's wearing a wire?

Oh, she's wearing a lot of wires.

Les's stalker is an Android programmed

to track Zeroman down and kill him.

What? She can't do that.

Gotta go warn him.

[water splashing]

That's for calling me Hazel, Alice.

Sally. I wanna be completely honest with you.

I haven't been truthful lately

and friends like you and I shouldn't have any secrets

between us.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

So that woman who's been following you around.

Who is she?

Actually she's in real estate.

Well, actually she's a stalker,

a practitioner of the blackmail arts.

Blackmail?

Why? You mean you've got secrets, Les?

Yes. One very big secret and two small ones.

They're unrelated and a little odd,

but I want to tell you everything.

Look, Les. It's really none of my business.

You don't owe me any explanations.

We're only just friends after all.

That's what you keep saying anyway.

[instrumental music]

- Yes, that's true, but- - [Man] Pssst.

But that didn't come from me did it?

Pssst.

Hey, would you look at that.

How about an Italian ice cream Sally? It's that Friday.

[Les laughing]

[Les walking]

Gary? What are you doing here?

Don't tell me you own this ice cream concession too.

Yes, but that's not important.

I came here to warn you. That lady is a robot.

Sally is a robot? That's impossible.

I've seen her swimming.

Not Sally. Sally's not the robot.

It's that hot bot that's been tailing you.

I'll be right there, Sally.

They've got spumoni.

Just stay sharp. And remember she's trying to kill you.

Sally?

No, the Android. Android. Man.

[tense instrumental music]

She's got that scent.

Zeroman must be somewhere near.

Shall I break out the licorice eyes?

Not yet. Let's see where this goes.

[tense instrumental music]

[computer whirring]

Be careful, Les. Do not let her kiss you.

Her lips and tongue are deadly weapons.

Sally's?

No. Android.

[man thumping]

I want to kiss you.

[tense instrumental music]

She's after the damn mailman again,

and he's such a good mailman.

We have no choice, brother Blaine. We have to abort.

I want to kiss you.

I must kiss you. [Les thumping]

No means no. No means no.

[knife striking]

No. No means no. Help. Help.

Italian ice cream man?

Somebody do something!

[tense instrumental music]

Leave my friend alone.

[Sally thumping]

Aw, she's kissing a girl. Abort. Abort.

Not yet. Let's see where this goes.

Are you seeing this, Ty? What's going on?

I thought this was supposed to be a kiss of death?

Instead, it's just [stuttering]

Taking a really long time. [woman groaning]

Doesn't do a thing for me, guys.

I guess the kiss of death was designed

to only work on men.

Whoa.

It seems that a kiss from a female has caused our robot's

chips to fry.

Leaving her crashed and confused.

I must kiss you [stuttering]

[wires buzzing]

[Zeroman whooshing]

Prepare to taste wet, musky justice one more time,

Wet Willies.

[tense instrumental music]

[water splashing]

[tense instrumental music]

[water splashing]

Shall we make a break for it, brother?

Not yet. Let's see where this goes.

Zeroman? I was waiting for Les.

He's been acting really strange lately.

No time for casual flirting, Sally.

I'm only here to explain

that Les's behavior can be explained by a way

of me explaining that he was working for me as stink bait.

Stink bait?

To lure the deadly droid into the open

so that I me could thwart the Wet Willies

evil kissy plot against me.

I.

So Les was working for you?

Whole time, Sally.

Now please don't let your obvious feelings

for me get in the way of you ever finding true happiness

with oh say, Les, not me, myself or I

I don't have feelings for you Zeroman.

Hey look, there's Les.

Sorry. I disappeared again there Sally.

I'm lactose intolerant, and it runs in the family.

It was that darn ice cream

or sprinkles or it was something dairy.

Les you don't have to make up stories anymore.

Zeroman told me everything.

Zeroman was just here and I missed him?

Well, I'll be.

And you don't have to worry

about me leaving without knowing how you feel.

I think I know, and I'm not leaving.

There just might be a future for me here after all.

[water running]

[Sally chuckles]

And I promise to stick around as long as you do, Les.

[bus braking]

Horseman's honor, Sally.

This time nothing can tear me away from my appointed rounds.

Neither rain nor snow or--

[Mother] Leslie!

Mother!

There he is.

[tense instrumental music]

Less is more I guess. See you around tiger.

[upbeat instrumental music]

♪ Zero ♪

♪ Man ♪

♪ Here comes Zeroman ♪

♪ Zero ♪

♪ Man ♪

♪ Countdown has started ♪

♪ Looking for a hero man ♪

♪ Five four ♪

♪ Three two one ♪

♪ Here comes Zeroman ♪

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