Original subtitles

[upbeat drum music] [police sirens blaring]

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba-da, ba-da ♪

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba-da, ba-da ♪

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba-da, ba-da ♪

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba-da, ba-da ♪

♪ Save the city ♪

[microphone swooshing in air]

[upbeat doo wop music]

[glass breaking]

♪ Ba-da, ba-da ♪

♪ Ba ♪

[flames crackling]

[soothing piano music]

[dramatic music]

[misses launching]

[bomb ticking] [Zeroman yelling]

[Zeroman grunts]

[bomb exploding]

[water splashing]

[children screaming]

[children cheering]

[children screaming]

[metal crunching]

[children screaming]

[door crunching]

[children cheering]

[little girl screams]

[bus crunching]

[crushed metal thuds]

[air swooshing]

[fluid oozing out]

No need for alarm, just transmission fluid,

not my vital juices oozing.

[Zeroman grunting]

[children cheering]

Golly, we thought you were a goner,

for sure, that time, Zeroman.

Defying death is what I do, Donny.

We all have to die sometime, even you.

Think about it, son.

You see, Donny, in my line of work,

the sneaky spectra of death is always lingering

over my heroic head.

That's why I endorse this, The Last Will And Testakit,

iron clad confidence that your loved ones

will be taken care of after you're gone.

How much would you pay for such a Zerrific piece of mind?

Don't answer because The Last Will And Testakit

is absolutely free and so easy to use.

Just ask the thousands of satisfied customers.

[crows squawking]

The Last Will And Testakit.

Don't be caught dead without one.

[Zeroman Voiceover] Not a legally binding will.

The $79 shipping and handling fee applies.

[static hissing]

Bravo!

Is there nothing I can't do in that suit [chuckles]?

[Automated Voice] Genetic thumbprint accepted.

Engaging poop shoot.

Hi-oh!

Ty, did you happen to catch my commercial

and tape it like I asked?

Did you happen to see the latest agency alumni newsletter?

There's a blurb about me.

"A promising young agent who graduated at the top

"of his class and then faded into absolute obscurity."

Yeah, no, but I'd give my right cheek for a working pen.

This free will isn't gonna fill itself out

of its own free will [laughing].

Get that?

No crayons, no pencils.

I'd even settle for a well used nub.

Don't you get it?

I was supposed to do something with my life

and make a difference in this world.

But instead I wound up as this,

a full-time pencil finder for a 65 year old superhero.

64, and not for three more weeks,

but your point is well taken, Ty.

We're not getting any younger,

which is why I'm filling out my Last Will And Testakit.

You see, Ty, at my age and in my line of work,

the sneaky spectra of death is always loitering

over my heroic head.

Why, in the last month alone,

I slipped through deaths hands like, what?

Nine, 12 times?

[lively jazz music]

[propeller rattling]

[Zeroman snoring]

[soup splashing]

Ah. Well, done.

I have but one all important item left to consider.

Ooh!

Darn, I'm sorry. I must have tuned you out there.

I've trained my mind to filter out excessive blather.

My most important possession of all.

The Super Suit?

Yes. Who will inherit it?

Who is man enough to rise to the challenge

and carry on as Zeroman?

You know the answer to that question

isn't as tough as it seems.

It isn't? Then why does my head hurt?

Sometimes the answer is right in front of you,

staring you in the face and you don't even know it.

The person who takes over as Zeroman has to be someone

who has an exclusive inside knowledge of the job

and all of its crushing responsibilities.

Yes, that's true.

On top of having a near textbook understanding

of the nerve center and all of its functions.

Zowns! You are so right!

But the only person that could ever fit

that lofty description is someone like you.

[chuckles] Yes.

Well, I hate to toot my own horn, it hurts my neck.

[chuckles] Nonsense, Ty.

Meet me tomorrow at this address for a top secret meeting

at which the subject of who will take my place

as Zeroman will be put to rest.

Long last, I have something to shoot for!

My life is gonna have meaning and purpose and a Super Suit!

[cheerful banjo music]

[tires screeching]

What? Zeroman auditions, meeting room five.

[crowd chattering]

[Superheroes] Hi Ty!

Oh, hi guys.

I mean, I realize that at first glance,

one might consider me as more of a sidekick type,

but I really feel I'm ready, you know?

And if chosen and allowed to take in the suit a bit,

that I'd make the zing zang zerrificest Zeroman ever,

present company excluded of course.

Yes, yeah. Well, that's fine.

Very good. I like your energy, Proton Energy Gal.

Pal, but my friends call me Pep,

you know, for Proton Energy Pal, and because I'm so peppy

and full of pep all the time [laughs].

Yes. Well, we have your information.

Someone will be in touch. Bye.

Ty, you're here!

Yeah, hi. What's, um, going on here?

What are all these unemployed superheroes doing here?

Getting older faster than a speeding bullet, that's what.

Easy there, Impatient Guy. They're auditioning, of course.

I can't hand this suit over to just anyone,

but [laughing] I'm glad you're here.

We have a lot of back sides to check.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

This is why you asked me here,

to help you find a replacement for the job that I deserve,

the job that I am most qualified for?

Sorting my fan mail?

No!

Picking the fruit out of my yogurt?

No! Your replacement as Zeroman!

You? No [chuckles].

Yes! Me, me, me, me!

Oh, Ty, Ty, Ty, Ty.

I could never pass the crown

of Zeroman onto someone like you.

I'd have to be out of my mind [laughing]!

You understand, don't you?

Yes. I'm afraid I do, you homophobe, you.

Well, that does it, I'm through,

through being Zeroman's loyal overlooked doormat.

I quit!

[door slamming]

You quit? Why, Ty?

It's not that way at all! I'm not a homophobe.

I don't even own a home, Ty!

Come, come back! Come back, Ty!

Come back!

[door hitting ground] [glass breaking]

Looks like someone needs a new sidekick!

[Impatient Guy] Yes, we know that already.

God, you're annoying!

[quirky xylophone music]

Boy, he sure seemed upset, huh?

The best thing for him is some time off

or a complete career change.

So like I said,

if you're in need of a sidekick anytime soon.

Thanks but no, Poop.

I'm sure Ty was just blowing off a little steam.

He'll be back to his old self soon enough.

Now, then, back to the all important task at hand.

[door slamming shut]

All of these brave candidates seem super enough,

but my replacement needs to be a real man.

Hello? What have we here?

Castrato? Is there a Castrato out there?

[door busting open]

[air swooshing]

Zowns, thank you for coming.

I don't believe our righteous paths have ever

bumped into each other.

[Zeroman grunts]

So, your powers are sculpted good looks

and a hypnotic singing voice capable of emasculating

all who oppose you, hmm?

And you come with your own pair of quirky

side kicks called The Boys.

Might I see your boys?

[Castrato snaps fingers]

[door busts open]

Hi, I'm Harry.

I'm Dusty.

We're-

[Together] We're Castrato's boys.

And what an impressive pair of boys you are.

I [chuckles] have to say this makes my job a lot easier.

Congratulations, Castrato.

When my time comes, the job is yours.

Did you hear that? He picked me!

Oh! Oh, oh [laughing]!

Oh, thank you, thank you!

It'll be my honor to carry on and uphold

the masculine image that is Zeroman [laughs]!

And that of course is just one of the things

I might be saying to you once I have interviewed

all the other applicants.

Thank you for coming. We'll be in touch.

But you just said-

Well, we'll be in touch. Thank you.

It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice [crying]!

[Zeroman groans]

I feel great.

It's the Dawn of a new day for Ty Cheese.

My days of being overlooked

and being stuck in the sidelines are over [gulping].

Hey, towel boy, another energy drink over here

and charge them all to that backstabbing Man Of Zeal.

Zeroman! I hate Zeroman!

Only this morning he rejected me for the way I am.

You too? Oh, welcome to the club.

I can't help the way I sound.

If not for that freak atomic pipe organ cleaning accident

I suffered as a choir boy,

I'd be trying on that Super Suit right now.

And I sure as sugar ain't gonna go

altering my lifestyle just to fit

his idea of what a Zeroman should be.

He sure didn't mind when I kept his precious suit

and his secret lair so neat and clean, did he?

Did he?

Ah! Hey boy!

Another round for me and my friend here. Chop, chop.

[air swooshing]

Let's toast to hardworking no-credit side kicks everywhere.

[glasses clinking]

[both panting]

Zeroman, ha! Who needs him?

We'll form our own dynamic duo, that's what we'll do!

Yeah. You and me!

A new heroic alliance!

[both panting]

[treadmills exploding]

After an intense round of callbacks,

you finalists represent the best

that superherodom has to offer.

Impatient Guy, Man Woman, and Gullible Guy,

congratulations men and, uh, woman, man.

You may remove your blindfold.

Well, it's about damn time!

Wow, this secret layer of yours is stylin', Zeroman.

And you say you carved it our with your bare hands?

Correct, Gullible Guy. Please excuse the mess.

My trusted ally is on a short personal leave,

but he'll be back, loyal, trusted ally that he is.

Now, I'll need to test your heroic responses

in my Heroic Response Virtual Realitizer.

Patent pending.

Ladies first or should I call you man, ma'am?

Man, ma'am, I can go either way.

Now just be yourself and try to have fun with it.

Okay, here we go.

A building's on fire

and there's a crying child trapped inside.

Act fast.

[electricity zapping]

Oops. Wrong program.

[thunder crashing]

Darn it! Bear with me, Ty usually does this.

What's happening?

Where are the flames and the crying child? I'm confused.

[electricity zapping]

[flames engulfing layer]

Ah! These flames are real.

Ah, cripes! I'll save her!

No, I'll save her!

No, no, no, no. No need to impress me.

You're all heroes. Ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah!

But where do you think Ty would keep a fire extinguisher?

Come on now, a Zeroman replacement should know this.

This looks like a job for Ty. I need Ty!

Come in. Ty, come in!

It's him again! It sounds urgent.

Oh, really?

Funny how all of a sudden he can't get along without me.

[Zeroman] Please! Tell me how to retard flame!

Stop calling me!

God, I am so glad I'm out of that relationship.

It was so going nowhere.

Not like what we have now.

So, did Zeroman happen to mention

who his replacement will be?

Oh, I don't know and I don't care.

So, what should we call ourselves, the Swinging Sopranos?

Castrato and Contralto?

I only ask because it would be such a waste

for such a Super Suit to land in the hands

of someone undeserving, don't you?

I guess. Ooh, super shoes!

Because it really should go to someone

who really knows how to use it, yes?

And being Zeroman's former ally,

one who knows where the suit is kept when not in use,

it would be a simple matter for you to acquire it,

would it not?

Well, sure, but I can't just take it.

How wrong is that? Besides, who needs his suit?

I've got ideas for a whole new wardrobe. You likey?

[paper flipping]

No, I don't like! I don't like at all!

It's been my dream to one day

become the Fair City's resident Superhero,

and you, my naive young friend,

are going to help me get there.

Boys!

[boys grunting]

I should have known! You're wasting your time, Castrato!

I'll never betray Zeroman! Never!

[Castrato blows harmonica]

[Castrato sings high note]

[Automated Voice] Genetic thumbprint accepted.

Engaging poop shoot.

[grunts] Ty? Ty?

Yo, Ty?

Zowns, this isn't my Super Suit,

it's my birthday suit [laughing],

and boy does it need ironing?

Computer, Ty isn't back yet and I can't find my good suit.

But be a dear and hail him

on the two-way Ty Spy Cam, please.

Ty, hi, hi, hi. Ty, hi.

You are not mad at me anymore are you?

I'll take that as a yes.

Now, be a sport and come back to work. I'm Newton cold.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen,

now that the Super Suit is on the other foot.

Hey, Castrato, small world.

You have a suit just like mine

and your voice isn't so funny.

That's because it's yours, stupid.

And now the Super Suit and all of its restorative

alien properties are mine, all mine.

So, just try and take it back.

Come to the condemned opera house if you dare.

Great flaming holes!

Castrato has lost his marbles and stolen my suit,

and he's become a bad influence on Ty.

Out, out and away!

Oh, right. No suit.

[laughing] I have to say, I love my new suit. Don't you?

And with the power it provides,

I can make the whole world bend to my hypnotic will.

Just listen to this voice of mine.

[Castrato sings high note]

[glass breaking]

[building cracking] [ground rumbling]

Ow, our freaking ears!

And I have you to thank for it, Ty,

but now that your usefulness is run out,

it's time for me to go solo again.

Sorry, but this is the final curtain for you,

my naive young friend [laughing].

Isn't this just the way?

I've got an important meeting to attend and nothing to wear.

Darn that thieving Castrato. He won't get away with it.

Now I must rush to my partner's aide

for he's the best friend and life man,

a man's man could ever have [sobbing].

What? Oh, sorry, was that out loud?

Tell me my loyal hangers-on, in all of opera,

what is the most difficult note to hit?

That's easy boss, the high C.

It's darn near impossible.

The high C, yes. Impossible, no, thanks to my new suit.

You will have front row seats

as I shatter his skull [laughing].

[Castrato sings high note]

[doors busting open]

Show's over, Castrato. I'm shutting you down.

I give this knockoff Broadway production two big thumbs down

and a big toe aimed squarely at you and your boys.

Hi, Ty.

Hello?

[claps hands] Bravo, Zeroman, and how brave of you to ride

into town to save this lacky, knowing full well

that the Super Suit can't help you anymore.

Ty isn't my lacky, Castrato, or my sidekick,

or my boy, he's my best friend.

And now that you've mentioned it,

I really should have thought this through.

[Castrato sings high note]

[glass breaking]

Okay, I asked for that but for Ty's sake,

I won't let your voice rip me off my feet again.

[Castrato sings high note]

Can't hear you. [Castrato sings high note]

Can't hear you.

Not listening to you.

[Castrato sings high note]

[hair dryer bursting]

[corks unscrewing]

[Castrato sings high note]

[ground thudding]

That's it. Stop [laughing].

I can't stand it.

Oh, they have,

they have corkscrews driven into my ears.

Looks like the show is over indeed.

[ropes ripping]

Sorry to upstage you, partner.

Huh? What the, but how?

My powerful voice should've emasculated you.

You're forgetting one thing,

that I work for Zeroman, Castrato,

and if I could tune out his brain numbing sounds,

I could tune anyone out.

It's true.

You should see him glaze over when I talk about my day.

Boys, stop him!

Ooh!

[Dusty shouting indistinctly]

Zowns, Go Ty.

Go. Hold him off, lad.

I'll be there in a minute. I think I stepped in gum.

[gum squishing]

Bring it on, boys!

[boys grunting]

[boys groaning]

[grunts] Prepare to take your final bow.

[gum squishing]

Head's up people!

[air swooshing]

[moans] Help.

He's down!

Zerrific. Nice word, Ty.

Well I couldn't have done it without you partner or this,

the real Super Suit.

The one I gave Castrato was just a useless forgery

that I whipped up for just such an emergency.

Zerrific.

But if it was useless,

how come it made him so manly and deeper voiced?

I rubbed the fake suit's vital areas

with the liberal concoction of vitamin E and manish fly.

What do you say to that, Castrato?

Boys, boys [sobbing]!

There's nothing like ending on a high note, I always say.

[both men laughing]

Thanks to Ty the Castrato crisis is over.

Years of zen-like practice of tuning me out allowed Ty

to deflect the hypnotic power of Castrato's voice.

And after concealing the real Super Suit

beneath his street clothes,

Ty simply faked being under his influence until I arrived.

What are you doing?

Was that out loud again? I've gotta stop doing that.

It's creepy.

Yeah, well, that's nothing compared

to how I behaved and I'm sorry.

I thought you didn't wanna give me the job as Zeroman

because of who I am, because you thought I was, you know.

Oh, Ty, Ty, Ty.

I think you and I both know why you could never be Zeroman.

No, I really don't.

Isn't it obvious Ty?

You are the foundation of everything we built,

the bedrock upon which Zeroman stands.

There can't be a me without you.

I'm zero without you, man.

[Ty crying]

Yes, yes, that's okay. There you go.

We'll figure out who gets to be Zeroman some other day,

but one thing still puzzled me.

If you were wearing the real Super Suit the whole time,

why didn't you just stop Castrato yourself?

Isn't it obvious?

There's only one Zeroman in town and that's you.

[Zeroman crying]

[reporters shouting indistinctly]

Oh, come on there. Don't cry, now.

You're a hero for goodness sakes. Now, blow.

[Zeroman blows nose]

[reporters shout indistinctly] [camera flash shuttering]

Looks like my work is done here.

[upbeat pop music]

♪ Zero ♪

♪ Man ♪

♪ Here comes Zeroman ♪

♪ Zero ♪

♪ Man ♪

♪ Countdown has started ♪

♪ Looking for a hero man ♪

♪ Five, four, three, two, one, here comes Zeroman ♪

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