Original subtitles

[siren wailing] [drums beating]

["Zeroman" playing]

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba da ba da ♪

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba da ba da ♪

[applause]

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba da ba da ♪

♪ It's Zeroman ♪

♪ Ba da ba da ♪

♪ Save Fair City ♪

[microphone feedback]

[glass shattering]

[applause]

♪ Ba da ba da ♪

[tire smashing]

[flames sizzling]

[dramatic piano music]

♪ Mama's little baby loves shortening shortening ♪

♪ Mama's little baby loves shortening bread ♪

♪ Put in the flour, put in the- ♪

[Jaundice] Wesley!

Ah, oh, ow! [iron sizzling]

Good morning, mother!

Beautiful day, isn't it?

[coughs]

Nevermind that crap.

What's all the racket out here?

I'm a man, mother.

And like most men, I thrive on vigorous physical activity

in the great outdoors.

Makes me feel masculine.

And the house dress?

It wicks away the perspiration!

[iron sizzles]

You iron your mail bag?

Oh yes.

Nothing worse than a wrinkled bag, Mother.

Ugh, talk about anal.

You can if you want to,

but that kind of talk is all Greek to me.

I prefer to refer to that particular area as--

great flaming hole!

[Zero-Signal whooshes]

It's the Zero-Signal!

That means Zeroman could be flying over any minute.

How do I look? Are my teeth in straight?

Is my chest even?

Wait! Where are you going?

You know Zeroman better than anyone!

You could wave him over.

Introduce me.

I'm his biggest fan!

Yes, I know, Mother. But there's no time.

My bag is all dried and flaking.

I have to go and moisturize.

[line snaps]

Ooh!

Zeroman, now there's a real man.

[punchy jazz music]

Emergency, emergency.

Gotta go, gotta go!

Ah, commencing genetic bum print.

Genetic bum print accepted.

Engaging Poop-Chute.

[computer beeps]

Ah! Oof!

[loud crashing]

What's the emergency, Ty?

Flaming zero scorching across our beloved sky.

Someone must be in dire need.

Unless it's Firecracker Day.

It's not Firecracker Day.

You sure? Because I'd hate to miss that.

Did you check the calendar?

It's not Firecracker Day!

The emergency signal was sent, but I have no idea why.

There's no response at the mayor's office.

Zounds! That sounds like a coup by some deranged cuckoo!

A cuckoo coup?

Oh, don't even think it.

We've got to get through.

[Ty Cheese] Zeroman to Mayor MacWadd.

Mayor MacWadd, come in, please!

Come in, Mayor MacWadd.

Fair City's own Man of Zeal

was once again in the public eye for a special appearance

at Fair City Special School for Special Children.

And don't forget what Uncle Zeroman says, children,

zero in and give zero effort to everything you do,

and someday, you'll be just like me.

[orchestral flourish plays]

Chief Helga, come quick.

This special kids angle is pure political dynamite.

I need to do more things like that.

You know, get out there

and mix and mingle with the common man.

And are those flaming zeroes scorching across the sky?

No, Mayor MacWadd, no flaming zeros.

It is just what you in this country call Firecracker Day.

Firecracker Day?

That's a civic holiday! [laughs]

What the heck am I doing at work?

[upbeat jazz music]

[machine punches]

Helga, who are these fine young youngsters?

These are VIPs, very important peoples

that you yourself arranged to spend time with.

I did?

And are these special kids?

Oh yeah, very special kids who will become special voters.

And now, I can give them special attention on camera!

Out and about with the youth of today!

Oh, this is good, Helga, very good!

Sturdy new appliance boxes for all

if he does not come back.

[Man] Sparrow to Mother Bird.

Come in, Mother Bird.

Well? Is his honor a goner?

Is Zero on his way here-o?

Oh yes, my little Sparrow.

Everything is going according to plan.

[upbeat jazz music]

[Ty] I really wish you wouldn't go flying off half-cocked

until we know the exact nature of the problem.

On the contrary, Ty, I'm fully cocked

and ready to shoot off on a moment's notice.

I've got to get out there

and save whatever portion of humanity is presently being

in need of my saving of them at this time.

Now, that's pretty reckless, don't you think?

And very awkwardly phrased.

Just give me the latitude and spare me the attitude.

Fine.

Ooh, ahh!

Next time, send me an email!

You know, kids.

I may look all grown up and smart, but even us mayors

still know how to have F-U-N, fun!

Watch me, homies.

Wheeeeee! [laughs]

Let's go again! [laughs]

Oh boy, oh boy. Fun, fun, fun!

Ahhh... oof. [trash can crashing]

Hello? Zeroman here!

Is anybody in need in there?

Anybody at all?

Hello, Zeroman!

So glad you could drop by.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Rusty Woodenwater.

I might have known

that you would be involved in this unknown emergency.

Oh, there's no emergency.

I just wanted to see you is all.

Recently, I've been attending

Psychopath's Anonymous meetings, and as part of my program,

I'm required to make amends to those that I've wronged.

I'd like you to have this.

Really? For me?

Whoo hoo!

[laughs] Whoa, it's heavy!

[heavy sniffing] And it smells barnyard fresh.

What's in it?

Open it and see!

It's a trap, Zeroman.

Do not open that suspicious lead lined box!

Anything that smells this nice just can't be dangerous.

What do you know, it's antistatic laundry sheets and--

[box hisses] [Zeroman stutters]

Ahh!

Success! The fool fell for it!

It was a trap!

Ty was right!

Ty's always right.

Those are military strength antistatic sheets, Zeroman.

They'll short out the electromagnetic weave

of the super suit.

Losing strength.

Terrible, uncontrollable bulging.

Antistatic sheets!

They aren't good for Zeroman, are they fellas?

No, they render him powerless

and will eventually kill him.

Like a one, two punch of crap tonight.

Bowango! [fist thuds]

I guess this means the great Man of Zeal

won't be giving me any static anymore! [laughs]

All right, that's enough.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm needed down at City Hall.

[Ty] Zeroman, listen to me!

Try engaging the super suit autopilot!

[electricity buzzes] [Zeroman groans]

Autopilot control.

No, no, no, that's not it.

No. Ah, yes, no.

Oh, ow, whoa...

[electronic whirring] [body thumping]

But like you youths of today,

even us public figures need to chill with our posse

once in a while.

I wonder where the cameras are.

Helga said there'd be cameras.

[golf club whooshes]

[people scream]

[laughs] Fore!

Some fun, eh kids? Wheee!

Gangway! One, one side. [people exclaim]

Sorry! My fault, my bad.

Oopsie! Some club soda will get that out.

Zeroman, I can't get an accurate fix on your location.

There's too much interference from the antistatic sheets.

Try picking them off!

Imagine they're pizza mushrooms!

Pizza mushrooms!

Get, get 'em, get 'em off! Get 'em off!

Oh, ah!

Legs... too weak.

Like limp cow teats.

Must reach out to ordinary, average Joe citizen for help.

Good! I'm gonna use my Portable Antistatic Detecto set

to track you down on foot.

Hang in there, pal.

[doorbell rings]

All right. All right. I'm coming.

[Jaundice gasps]

[Jaundice grunts]

My chest is tingling like crazy because he's close!

In fact he's...

[device beeps rapidly]

[gasp]

In that truck!

[energetic music]

[truck rumbles]

[motorcycle revs]

[brakes squeal]

[driver sighs]

Pull it over!

I wanna see what you got in the rear.

[brakes squeal]

It's just laundry

and a few cases of those antistatic sheets.

Who are you anyway?

Some kind of laundry cop?

No, just a concerned citizen.

With the mayor gone missing

the whole town's gone to the dogs.

What I wanna know is, where's Zeroman?

Yeah. You and me both.

Still very weak.

Tell me what is your name, good citizen?

Why Zeroman?

Don't you know me?

I'm your number one fan.

[both scream]

I'm sorry, it's just that,

never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd have you here.

[laughs] Thanks for caring.

Gotta go.

Oh no [laughs],

you're not going anywhere.

I'm not finished with you yet.

Not finished? Doing what?

[door creaks]

Nursing you back to health, silly!

Your body's still badly bulging.

Oh no.

It's, it's out of control!

For your own safety, stay back, mother!

Uh, mercy! [groans]

Unpredictable suit bulging of this magnitude

could be dangerous.

Nothing that a nice, hot sponge bath won't soothe.

Stop! Don't come any closer!

Nooo! [music blares]

On the heels of our beloved Zeroman's sudden disappearance

failed child star Rusty Woodenwater

has declared himself the new mayor of Fair City!

I now take you live to Mayor Rusty's first news conference.

What about Zeroman?

How long has Zeroman been missing?

Does Zeroman have a cell phone we could try?

[Male Reporter] Do you think Zeroman is dead?

[Female Reporter] And if so,

will Zeroman's impenetrable super suit

make the embalming process more difficult?

Enough about Zeroman!

I hate Zeroman!

This is about me, not him.

Mayor Woodenwater is right.

Zeroman is kaput!

Sadly, kaput.

Rusty is now in charge.

Now, are there any further questions?

Questions for the mayor?

[Male Reporter] What about the mayor?

[Female Reporter] Where is the mayor?

[Male Reporter] Is the mayor feared dead too?

And if dead, where will the mayor's funeral be?

[Male Reporter] And which of the mayor's hairpieces

will be used for the viewing?

Boy, I just love Firecracker Day.

Don't you, gang?

I got to say I'm thrilled to spend time

and just hang with you special kids.

Why, how can the public see just how in touch I am

if there are no cameras to record it?

Unless they're hidden cameras!

Hello? Where are you?

I'm ready for my close up!

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Come on, Z man.

I know you're out there somewhere.

Where? [suspenseful music builds]

How long have I been out?

What day is this?

Doesn't matter, but now we need to retrain your spine.

It was thrown seriously out of line by all of that bucking.

Of the suit?

Eh, what matters is that you'll be up and around again

in no time, thanks to these.

[suitcase creaks]

My heavy duty vibrating massagers.

[Zeroman groans]

I see you're admiring my collectibles.

I took a course in fine glass blowing.

Blew each and every little Zeroman myself.

It's my shrine to you.

Not even my idiot son is allowed in here.

Isn't it sad that he still lives at home at 64 years of age?

Oh boy. He must really love his mommy...

But not in that way!

Oh, listen to me.

Nattering on like a smitten schoolgirl.

And here I forgot to offer you anything to eat.

Be right back.

Now's my chance.

Must contact Ty.

[hand smacks]

[Zeroman groans]

[hand smacks] [electricity buzzes]

[Ty] Zeroman. Is that you?

Yes, Ty. It is I, Ty.

You have no idea where I am.

I know, that's why I need you

to activate your Zero-Specs homing signal immediately.

That's what I mean.

I'm home!

[Ty] I can barely hear you! Say again.

I am home. In my home.

Yes. Your home-ing sig-nal.

Turn it on, and I'll be able to get a fix on your location.

Unless-- [electricity buzzing]

happens in an-- [electricity buzzing]

[Zeroman groans]

Must get to Poop-Chute.

Oh, terrific, I can walk!

Must move as cautiously and quietly as possible.

[head thumps] Ooh, ah!

Ah! Ah! [glass shatters]

Whew!

[table rocks]

Whew!

[glass shatters]

[screams] What have you done?

I take you in and give you my bed

and soothe your bulging body.

And this is how you repay me?

With lies, and deceit, and sneaking around,

And moving?!

What are you, what are you going to do to me?

Oh, you'll see.

You're gonna pay for this.

You're going to pay dearly.

No! [music swells]

Oh no! No, oh my!

You wouldn't, you- you- you couldn't.

I can and I will.

Oh no!

[clothes stretch]

It's called a girdle.

I'm going to girdle you.

It's called girdling. [evil laugh]

[car alarm blares] [glass smashes]

[upbeat jazz music]

So this is what the youth of today

does for fun and exercise.

Woohoo!

Nothing works out for me. [cries]

This was supposed to be my triumphant return to public life.

Like the old days! My glory days!

But all they can talk about is Zeroman this and Zeroman that

and that Zeroman is missing and presumed dead.

He gets more attention dead than I do alive!

It's a crying shame, kid.

The pretty boys always get all the attention.

Yeah. Well, not this time.

We're gonna find him!

Bring his bashed and beaten body back.

So the world can hurry up

and get the mourning over with already!

Then get back to the real story, which is me, Mayor Rusty!

I'm confused. Where do we start?

You two go check your sources at the street level

while I do a wide target sweep

with my unpredictable bulging detector.

This little beauty will pick up

even the slightest bulge at over a hundred yards.

[evil laugh]

That's much better, isn't it?

I see you enjoyed my soup.

My idiot son won't touch it.

He has the constitution of a sickly girl.

[retches]

Just the thought of it gives him violent gas.

Like I said, oo-wee, oh that's good!

[dramatic jazz music]

[speaks gibberish]

[handle jangles]

[Robot] Genetic bum print unknown.

Disengaging Poop-Chute... get off.

What? No, it's Zeroman's bum!

Look again!

[head thumps] [figurine smashes]

[electricity buzzes]

[Ty] Zeroman? Zeroman!

Where are you?!

[Zeroman] At home on the toilet.

Desperately trying to go, but I can't!

Ew. I'll call back.

The Poop-Chute won't validate my bum scan.

Did you jiggle the handle?

[Zeroman] Yes, I can't understand it.

Unless it's because the contours of my backside

have been seriously altered by mother's girdle.

You're wearing your mother's underwear?

God, that brings back memories.

Now I'm going to contort myself out the window

and we'll rendezvous outside.

[motorcycle revving]

[crashes]

Kid, I think we got a lead.

Our street network has told us

that Zeroman has survived and he shacked up

with some old lady.

Isn't that right, Nancy?

That's affirmative.

We don't have the exact location--

Ahh! [puck thuds]

Tell me something I don't know!

Me and my big unit are way ahead of you guys.

I'm getting an off the chart bulge reading

three blocks from here.

Last one there's a rotten egg!

[engine revs]

Oh my God.

Oh, oh my God!

Zeroman, hang in there.

Terrifically done.

Now spread your legs.

I assume there's a scientific purpose

to what you're doing.

This is an ultra antistatic brush designed to

nullify the residual static effects

of the antistatic sheets.

Hold still.

[laughs] It tickles. [laughs]

[brakes squeal]

[car doors slam]

[leaves rustle]

All right, Rusty.

Your little game is over.

I'm hereby placing you and your cahones under arrest.

Cahones or cronies?

You heard me.

I'm gonna grab a hold of you and your boys

and start slapping and thumping them

until you and they yell "uncle".

Zeroman, wait!

I've only done your lower extremities!

Your upper body will be useless!

Well, I love a challenge!

Get him!

[upbeat music]

[footsteps click]

[cronies laugh]

[hand smacks]

[foot thuds]

You can't kick and slap!

He's fighting like a girl.

Well, I don't fight no girls.

[hand slaps]

[hand smacks]

[trumpet music wails]

[machine squeals]

It's just as I thought!

The antistatic detector has detected one last laundry sheet

lodged somewhere deep on your person.

Well, get it off my person.

I don't know how long I can keep this up

without my full powers.

All right.

But you do trust me, right?

Of course I trust you, Ty!

[glove snaps]

Got it!

I no longer trust you, Ty.

[girdle smacks] [trumpet music wails]

It's alive and it's stalking me!

[Mother] Yoohoo! It's from me, Zeroman.

Your biggest fan!

Even bigger without that.

I thought you'd like to keep it

as a memento of our afternoon delight.

Thank you, kind citizen.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wrap things up.

[punches thwack] [kicks thud]

[camera flash pops]

And so, with the return of our very own Man of Zeal

and his swift apprehension of three low level criminals--

Low level!

Our Fair City is fair once more, thanks to--

Out, out [farts] and away!

Zeroman, wait!

Hey! Zeroman!

[heavy breathing]

Don't worry, Mother.

Zeroman will never really be that far away.

Don't touch me.

Zeroman!

[car alarm blares]

[Mayor MacWadd] Hello? Chief Helga?

It's Mayor Todd MacWadd.

Think I've spent enough time with the youth of today,

and unless there's a news crew waiting...

Chief Helga?

Hello?!

["Zeroman" Playing]

♪ Zero ♪

♪ Man! ♪

♪ Here comes Zeroman! ♪

♪ Zero ♪

♪ Man! ♪

♪ Countdown has started ♪

♪ Looking for a hero man! ♪

♪ 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ♪

♪ Here comes Zeroman! ♪

[guitar chord reverberates]

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