Original subtitles

Always sleep with a pillow between my legs.

Any questions?

Yeah.

Why the fuck are you breastfeeding

your granddaughter?

KATE: And how the fuck

are you breastfeeding your granddaughter?

[sighs]

To answer your question,

Jackie's mom is on a bender in Tibet,

so I popped a nip in her mouth to calm her down,

and suddenly she just started suckling

from my free-flowing teat.

Do your... boys know that their mother's...

teat is in their child's mouth right now?

No.

But I'm sure they'd think it was fine.

I mean, look at us!

We're both so happy!

SLOANE: [sobbing]

Sorry, don't mind me. I'm fine.

Are you sure?

Because your mouth is saying you're good,

but water is falling from your eyes like you're bad.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed.

Oh, yeah.

SLOANE: Exhausted, all the time.

Being pulled in a million directions.

It's like I'm treading water...

in a hurricane.

Choking on seawater, being slapped around by waves.

Drowning, but like, lightly.

Oh, boy. Yeah, that's the picture.

Yeah.

SLOANE: Anyway, don't mind me.

I'm just having a moment, and the good news is...

it is going to get better, right?

[laughs]

ANNE: That's a good one. That's really good.

Are you saying it doesn't?

ANNE: No! God, no.

These are the good years. Wait until they're walking.

That's when the real tornado hits.

Mm-hm, or when they come home with a Jizz Boy tattoo.

And don't even get me started on when they use your name

on a down payment for a warehouse because

they think they're going to "enter the space race."

That phase blows.

So what you're saying is that it's just...

always gonna be hard? KATE: There we go.

ANNE: Yeah. VAL: 100%.

♪

KATE: Why did we do it, you think?

KATE: Mm.

Mm.

So...

about last night.

I feel as though I owe you both an apology.

I'm sure what you saw was deeply disturbing,

and potentially traumatizing for years to come.

But, you know, when it comes to therapy,

I got you covered, so don't even think about that.

KATE: Mm-hm.

Also, believe it or not, you know, it's just work,

what you saw.

It's just some good old-fashioned, you know,

market research.

I'd rather not talk about it.

I'd also rather not talk about it.

And can you please remove this from the table?

We eat here. KATE: Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted him to dry out.

I'll just put him...

But, you know, it has to be said...

[vampire voice] Who is sexually repressed now?!

Kate.

I was doing a vampire kind of...

KATE: Sorry. He's in the purse.

Gonna take him to work.

You're never gonna see him again.

He's gone. Poof!

Um...

I'm gonna go to school early.

Probably for the best.

Okay. Great talk!

I feel like we covered it, we got it clear,

it's all clean now.

Have a great day. And this is all fine.

Everything's fine.

Do you think that he saw...

everything?

He saw enough.

Yeah, okay. Mm-hm.

How are... how are you feeling?

Any headaches, or bloating, or..?

Do I... look bloated?

KATE: What? No.

No, you look great. You look very good.

No... no bloating.

Well, good.

I'm actually starting to feel a lot more like myself.

Hm, look at us, killing it on all fronts!

You're feeling good, I just got word that a few more retailers

want to pick up Seedless,

and my stepson probably didn't see my entire vulva.

You know? NATHAN: Exciting stuff.

Almost as exciting as, uh...

Don't you say it.

The new episode of "The Best Lay" that drops tonight.

Don't say "drops."

And get this... This shit's live.

Tell me you're gonna be home.

I mean, I want to, I do, but, you know,

work has been crazy lately, and honestly,

they've been practising this new fire alarm

that just takes a lot of time.

Come on!

[sighs] Okay, okay, I will be here.

But I do have to go to work.

Actually, correction... We have to go to work.

[vampire voice] We carpool on account of the environment!

Seriously, stop doing that!

I feel like you're being dramatic and this is very funny.

Whatever.

"Dramatic" is finding that thing between your legs.

But honestly, he gave me a good time.

NATHAN: That's revolting.

LIONEL: Ha-ha... Okay.

Look at this web.

Is that an "if" or an "it?"

I can't quite make it out.

For the last time, this is not "Charlotte's Web."

She's gone, honey. ALICE: Who's gone?

Your father is convinced that Tula's still here

and has been spinning messages for him in her web.

Tarantulas don't spin webs.

LIONEL: They don't? ALICE: No.

They also don't leave messages.

Hey, are you home for dinner tonight?

I haven't seen you lately. ALICE: No.

I... have drama club.

Yeah, right.

And I have dinosaur club.

ALICE: No, I'm serious.

Why is it unbelievable that I could be in drama club?

Do you believe you could be in drama club?

What your father is trying to say is

that this is the first that we're hearing of it, that's all.

Okay, well, now you know.

And now I'm leaving, so...

Bye.

Bye.

[sighs] [door closes]

LIONEL: Drama club, my ass. ANNE: What?

LIONEL: If she was in drama club,

she'd be a way better liar.

She is up to something, I know it.

I don't know. I mean, there is a drama club.

Maybe... she caught the thespian bug.

The "thespian bug?"

Who are you? Why are you not skeptical?

What have you done with my wife?

I'm just saying maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea

to give her the benefit of the doubt.

God, we're always expecting the worst.

Maybe that's the problem. LIONEL: Yeah.

I mean, she did play one hell of a cloud in that production

of "Jack and the Beanstalk" in kindergarten.

There you go.

I gotta go. I'll see you later.

♪

♪

Mornin'!

Kate... Quick word?

KATE: You know, I think we should start developing

the new Seedless ad, right?

Strike while the iron's hot? Get ahead of it?

Oh!

Hey, Ram, Denise!

Here to celebrate? [chuckles]

What?

Why do your faces look like that?

KATE: "Denise Richards, the scientist behind Seedless,

"the world's first male birth control pill,

"rendered dozens of men sterile

"during a university clinical trial 18 years ago."

[sighs] Is this really true?

Yes.

KATE: Jesus Christ, how did this happen?

Why didn't you tell me? DENISE: I'm sorry.

It's obviously not something I'm super proud of,

or like to share.

Yeah, I should hope not.

DENISE: It wasn't just me, okay?

I mean, I was a student looking for extra credit,

so I joined this research group that was developing

a new drug for canker sores.

It was just a dumb experiment.

Didn't everyone experiment in university?

KATE: For most people, experimenting in university

meant trying ecstasy

or mastering a three-course meal in a microwave, not...

sterilizing men!

RAM: This is really bad.

They're calling her "The Sterilizer."

Which is apt.

Those poor guys.

What? It's occasionally okay to feel bad for men.

Isn't it?

Okay, who even published this article?

Scientific Quarterly?

Who reads that?

The Associated Press.

Goddammit.

RAM: Which means that everyone is picking it up.

Buzzfeed, Salon, Reader's Digest, you name it.

This is a nightmare.

One of our retailers just pulled out,

because who is gonna take birth control

from a woman who neuters men?

Okay, we can think of a solution.

We just have to spin this.

ROSIE: I know... KATE: Okay.

Maybe people will think it's the other Denise Richards

who did this...

Maybe.

KATE: Okay, goddammit. DENISE: Oh, how about this?

What about the 966 men in the trial that I didn't sterilize?

We could spin that, right? RAM: Denise...

We'll talk about this later.

RAM: You made her the face of Seedless.

You have to fix this, or we are seriously fucked.

Of course. I will.

I'll think of something. I always do.

Good.

It was actually 967 men that I didn't sterilize,

if that helps anything.

It really doesn't.

♪

SLOANE: Alright, well, let's talk dates and details

for "Tasking."

I think we should lean into Maggie's history

as a public speaker.

Yeah, I'm thinking a university tour with some major cities.

[mouthing words]

Uh-huh.

[mouthing words]

SLOANE: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[in a whisper] Den... Dentist? Dentures?

SLOANE: Okay, alright.

I'm gonna leave this with you, and let's just circle back

when you've ironed out the details.

Okay, great.

Where is my danish?

[laughs] Oh!

Honestly I had no idea what that was.

I had a bad experience... One time I thought I was

playing Charades, but someone was actually having

a medical emergency... SLOANE: Okay, honestly,

I don't want to get into this with you today.

Forget the danish. What is in your hand?

COLIN: Oh, uh, Maggie just sent her new draft.

SLOANE: Great.

Also, your 10 am is here.

I don't have a 10 am.

VAL: Goooood morning!

Val!

This is not really a good time.

It'll only take a sec.

I just wanted to pop by and let you know that I signed you up

on a dating app. SLOANE: What?!

I'm in a relationship.

Simmer down.

It's a friendship dating app for new moms.

It's called "Bundle." SLOANE: Mm.

Somehow I'm even less into it. VAL: Come on!

Don't you think you could use a little community right now?

Isn't that the point of Val's Pals?

Did that really feel like community to you?

Talking with other high-powered women with newborns

might really help.

And look, if it doesn't, at least you'll have

a good story for the next Val's Pals.

And God knows we need it.

I don't know.

VAL: You don't have to do a thing.

I already set up a profile for you.

SLOANE: You what? VAL: Yup!

And I included all the pertinent details.

"A take-no-prisoners publishing powerhouse

"with a heart of gold." SLOANE: [laughs]

You might have to do another pass on that one.

You'll get an email notification if you're matched

with any moms.

Oh my God, what if you don't get matched with any moms?

That would be really humiliating for you.

Val, I need you to leave now.

Say no more. I was getting that exact sense.

And I have to pump anyways, so...

Toodles, bitch!

[chuckles]

[notification on computer]

♪

♪

[under her breath] Come on, think of something.

Think of something. Think of something...

[phone buzzes]

Hey, can I call you back? I'm just in the middle of...

NATHAN: [on phone] Real quick, for the live show tonight,

I thought we could order in. Sushi or perogies?

I know, opposite ends of the spectrum.

I-I don't think I can make the live show.

NATHAN: No! You can't miss The Best Lay!

I mean, I know it's garbage, but that's what makes it so good!

KATE: I'm just in the middle of this Seedless shitshow,

and honestly, I don't think I can dig myself out of it.

NATHAN: Wait a minute.

I saw on Twitter that there was this birth control scientist

who was...

Oh my God.

Oh my God, relax. Yes, it was her.

No, you're not in danger of being sterilized.

We should be so fucking lucky.

Well, I hope you can work it out,

because tonight the shit is gonna hit the fan.

Either Cole or Chase are getting eliminated

because they're both hooking up with Trina

and neither one can be in the same room

without beating the living shit out of each other.

I'm talking about tearing down the set!

Just taking down the walls!

Nathan, this sounds so stupid.

I guess it's a guy thing.

It's a guy show. Never mind.

♪

How many viewers did you say it got?

2.5 million viewers...

That's a good following.

But could be better.

Okay...

Hey, I didn't accept a last-minute meeting

on my busiest day just to be negged.

You told my assistant the fate of my show is in your hands...

Uh, yes, I had to get your attention, didn't I?

Look, it's no secret that your following is predominantly male.

Your female viewership is dropping off

in alarming numbers.

Are you putting on a dating show or a crypto convention?

[chuckles]

What if I could change your bro-viewing into co-viewing?

I'm listening.

KATE: I represent Seedless,

the first male birth control pill.

PRODUCER: Seedless?

Didn't I read about you guys this morning?

One of your scientists sterilized a bunch of dudes.

You did. And that's unfortunate.

But really, it's just noise

undercutting a revolutionary product.

Okay, um, great.

Listen, I have a live show to shoot, so if we could just, um...

The point is, Seedless has nothing to do with

what our scientist was working on 20 years ago.

It's safe, it's game-changing,

and by aligning with our product,

you are speaking to women worldwide.

This is an opportunity to double your viewership.

Bring some feminism into the Fuck Hut.

I don't hate this.

♪

[humming]

[door opens] JOSEPH: Oh, my God.

JACOB: Dude, I'm serious.

Who closes the bus door after the bus driver gets out?

JOSEPH: If you ask me that one more time, I swear, it's...

Don't freak out.

I know what you're thinking.

"Why is my mother breastfeeding my daughter?"

But it doesn't need to be so taboo.

Clearly Mother Nature has given me this special gift

at the perfect moment,

when your sweet angel was in search of a breast.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

JOSEPH: What the...?! JACOB: What the hell, Mom?

JOSEPH: What?

JACOB: That's fuckin' disgusting!

You're gonna scar her for life, Mom!

What was I supposed to do? Jackie won't take the bottle!

The answer isn't...

shoving your boob in my baby's mouth!

Yeah! Our baby's mouth.

You didn't even ask! VAL: I didn't have to.

She told me with her eyes!

No, us, Mom. You didn't ask us!

What the fuck is this?

I got a few nursing bras on Amazon.

They're more comfortable.

Sue me. JOSEPH: Okay.

Give her back. VAL: Hey, no!

Give her back! Unlatch!

No!

Mom, I will take your nipple with her if I have to.

Oh!

Wait...

What are you gonna do? How are you gonna feed her?

JOSEPH: We'll figure it out! JACOB: Great question!

Now what am I gonna do with all this milk?

♪

♪

[elevator bell dings]

♪

♪

[phone buzzes]

[sighs]

Stupid.

[exhales briskly]

[phone buzzing]

Hi, Lionel.

Did you know that every member of drama club

has to perform a self-written monologue?

And...?

LIONEL: Does that sound like our daughter?

Writing monologues?

Uh, I hadn't really thought about it.

Yeah, because it doesn't!

You know what does sound like our daughter, hm?

Huffing whippets behind a dumpster with some guy

that's got a lollipop tattoo on his face.

ANNE: Oddly specific.

You know what, I just had a client cancel.

Why don't I head to the school and see what's up?

Oh, uh, great, 'cause I'm actually on a Zoom meeting

that's on mute, so if you don't mind...

MAN ON ZOOM: Uh, Lionel, you're not on mute.

Not if it gets me out of this conversation.

♪

PAUL: Where's your mommy, huh? Where is she?

Oh, I see her.

You have no idea how badly I need this.

I had them warm it up for you too.

Mm-hm?

Fuck, that is good.

Yeah, you don't need to tell me the benefits

of a post-lunch pastry.

Thank you for this.

Thank you for bringing him.

And now I have to go because I have a date.

Uh... what?

With a woman.

Still in the weeds on this one.

[chuckles] It's a mom date.

Val set me up on this app called Bundle.

Okay. Well, that's kinda cool.

SLOANE: How do I look? PAUL: You look great.

Thank you.

Now, I don't mean to be rude, but you really do have to go.

Good luck on your date!

♪

OSCAR: Excuse me, hi.

Are you Sloane?

Maybe.

And you would be?

Sorry, uh, creepy stranger park vibes, I know.

I'm Oscar, Alyssa's husband, the woman you met on Bundle.

Oh. O-okay.

OSCAR: She's caught up in a meeting

and didn't want to leave you hanging, so she sent me.

Oh.

She could've just sent me a text,

but thank you for letting me know.

Uh, maybe just let her know we can reschedule.

Yeah, yeah. I'll let her know.

Do you need a hand with anything?

No, I'm good, I'm good.

Not that you don't look perfectly capable.

It just took me like 45 minutes just to get out of the car.

Does he really need all of these?

I don't think he needs all of those!

I have a very picky baby!

Your guy doesn't need a different soother

for every mood?

Well, babies are high-maintenance.

But good thing they're so cute, right?

[chuckles]

Sometimes I just want to rip off his chubby little feet

and eat 'em up.

Not literally, of course.

I actually want to rip off my baby's feet and eat them.

Literally! OSCAR: Oh, okay! [laughs]

Uh, that makes me feel a lot better!

I'm not the only baby-eating monster in the park.

[laughs] Uh, no, definitely not.

STUDENT: I really wish we'd played catch together, Dad.

But now...

we never will.

[applause]

ANNE: [quietly] Oh!

Hello?

Hello!

I'm here, aren't I?

No? I'm not?

Everybody's watching me on their phones.

But nobody wants to look into my eyes.

ANNE: Oh, no. ALICE: They're blue, by the way.

What colour are your eyes?

Or yours?

Or...

even yours, blind man?

All of our eyes are open,

but does anybody really see?

Hello?!

[applause]

♪

Okay, well, there's good news and bad news.

Good news, she is in drama club.

The bad news is that, she does not have a future in it.

Like, we need to actively steer her in a whole other direction

or this is gonna be a real problem for...

Oh my God.

♪

SEAMUS: You were incredible.

Oh my God.

♪

♪

SEAMUS: Her hair just smells so fuckin' good.

And her lips...

God, her lips make me crazy.

♪

Oh, no.

Oh...

I could tell she was giving me the eyes

from across the room.

That's why before I walked over, I popped in a Seedless.

Male birth control, it's a revelation, yo!

Holy shit.

That's my show! You did that to my show!

KATE: I did that to your show.

GUY: [on TV] These girls all hate condoms.

Trina, Dina, Lina...

So the guys and I decided to take matters into our own hands.

Seedless is about equality.

I'm sorry, is that empowering for men?

I think I just empowered men.

I think you did.

I think you empowered men.

GUY: [on TV] Apparently a lady scientist created Seedless,

but don't let that stop you from trying it.

This stuff's legit!

They can't all be wins, but... that's a win.

I'll take that. NATHAN: [laughs]

Jesus Christ.

I cannot believe this idea worked.

Like, what the fuck?

Your dumbass obsession with this show may have saved Seedless.

You're welcome.

KATE: You know, I know I'm no Lina, Dina, or Trina, but um...

what if I'm "The Best Lay"?

There's only one way to find out.

Oh, boy.

Sure, it sucks being voted off this week.

But you know what doesn't suck?

Male birth control.

KATE: Mm! [giggles]

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