Original subtitles

2x12 - Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man

When Fury said, "who's in for underwater operations?"

I pictured flippers, swimming with dolphins,

and tropical waters in the Bahamas.

And what do I get?

A SHIELD aqua suit in the middle of the Hudson river. P-U.

Sooner we get to it, the sooner we get done.

Talk less and swim more.

What are we doing down here anyway?

I told you...

...find me... ...Thor. Got it?

Um, I got, like, half of that.

Isn't it obvious? Thor was battling an unknown villain

near this location and crashed into the river.

You don't read the SHIELD news feed?

Oh, of course. Always. Never miss it.

Fury wants us to find Thor and whatever's causing

the power surges messing with our comlinks.

Yo, over here. Check it out.

Whoa.

What is that?

It looks like Asgardian armor. And look.

Can someone say "Norn stone"?

Director Fury, we found something.

Good, but... ...it's unsecure.

...make sure you... ...touch it.

- Did he say "touch it"? - No, he said, "don't touch it."

I'm telling you what I heard. He distinctly said, "touch it."

Hey, bucket head, it's Asgardian.

You touch it, who knows what happens.

Poof. You turn into a frog, a pig, a...

And here we have Nova...

the Super Cow of the sea.

Hey, on second thought, I do think Fury said, "touch it."

Wait, is that reverse psychology, arach-nerd?

You touch it. Just admit it.

You're scared of a little Asgardian hocus pocus.

No one'll hold it against you.

Yeah, well, you'd look great with tentacles.

We could call you chum bucket head.

Hey, watch it. What, can't take a joke?

Hey, come on. You want some?

Quit acting like children.

Nova did it!

You can't pin this on me.

You got us into this one, web head.

Me? It was tottering Tiger who...

- Me? Are you serious? - Ow.

If you two weren't acting like babies down there,

none of this would have happened.

- Besides, Power Man tripped me. - Hey, he bumped me.

You bumped me first.

Enough.

This is really gonna put a cramp in my super-heroing.

You're not doing any super-heroing until we can size you up.

I don't like the sound of that.

Whoa.

I'm fine. Tiny, but fine.

W-what does this even do?

Piece of cake.

Hmm. No clear information yet.

We need more intense testing procedures.

More testing? This isn't a science thing.

This is Asgardian magic. As in we need Thor.

SHIELD is searching for Thor.

Oh, so what do we do now? Go to our rooms?

Something like that.

Uh, what is this place?

SHIELD's daily advanced youth character

and regimented education center.

It's Daycare. SHIELD style.

Director Fury, sir, we are here to provide

the very best care for the children.

Uh, we are not children.

We designed this place in case we needed to do some baby-sitting.

We haven't used it. Until now.

- You'll be safe here. - You know, we're not actually babies.

And SHIELD can't treat us like we are.

- Sir, we can't stay here. We gotta... - Hey, they got snacks.

What? Who doesn't like snacks?

The children will be safe, sir.

We are not children!

I feel the urge to tantrum.

Aw, Fury's nuts. We may be small, but I for one

am not being locked down in baby prison. I say we...

- What? Stamp our feet? - Hold our breath?

Stick crayons up our noses?

Fury said they haven't used this place before now.

- So? - So what's he doing here?

- Who are you, kid? - I have this.

Is that some sort of SHIELD educational art dough?

It's the world's biggest booger collection. It's mine.

- Cool. - Help.

Guys, over here. I got a plan.

Ooh, you guys are super heroes, right? Do you know Thor?

'Cause I hear that guy's a real big loser.

- Who's the kid? - Spidey's new best friend.

Uh, okay. Anyway, ever hear of the trojan horse?

Nanny bot 2.3, state reason for leaving post.

Beep, beep, beep.

Repairs required in my, uh, diaper disposal system.

Must deploy. Pronto.

This unit is not functioning within normal parameters.

Report to engineering.

Wait. Don't leave.

I still have tons of stuff to tell you about Thor.

He snores real bad.

Why you think he's called the Thunderer?

Uh, this is awkward.

Further escape attempts will not be tolerated.

Commence nap time.

Why did you do that, kid?

I'm sure it was just an accident.

Yeah, right. There's something weird about this kid.

Really? What tipped you off,

the booger collection or the Thor obsession?

That's it. How does he know Thor snores?

The only people who know stuff like that are family.

He's no weird kid. He's...

Loki, the God of mischief, Thor's brilliant little brother.

Sometimes it hurts to be right. Get him!

You have interfered with my plans of conquest for the last time.

You're not gonna get away with this, Loki.

But this, I must say, is my naughtiest revenge yet.

You see, I have grown tired of being Odin's second son,

always the younger to my brother Thor,

pushed aside like a child.

Today that birth order changes.

Somebody has daddy issues.

With the aid of the magical Norn stone,

I will show my brother and all his so called allies

how it feels to be treated like an infant... forever.

If I never see another Asgardian again, it'll be too soon.

Thor's hammer? But where is...

Spider-Man?

Thor?

Thor! We've been looking everywhere for you.

What happened?

By the mystic Norn stone, I was transformed.

I came to warn Fury of Loki's plan.

Alas, it appears I come too late.

You are too tiny to wage war.

Too tiny? No, we're good to go.

- Right, gang? - Um, yeah, no.

Your friends don't seem as confident as you, Man of spiders.

Fury might be right. We might only get in the way.

We couldn't even escape Daycare.

What are you talking about?

Our size? That's nothing.

We put our minds together, there's nothing we can't do.

Make haste. I know that sound.

The Destroyer is loose!

Warning. Discipline imminent.

Well-meaning robots with the face of the son of Coul.

Into the fray!

Loki's in the holding bay.

I told you we could do this.

So Loki turned us into bobble-heads. So what?

Through magic, Loki has made himself the elder son of Asgard,

and as such, he holds the authority to wield the weapons of Asgard,

the most powerful of which is the Destroyer.

The Destroyer? You mean that empty suit of armor we found?

That empty suit of armor as you call it

is a machine of unstoppable power.

The Destroyer!

Let's go, gang.

Tiger, look out!

Even baby Thor's awesome.

How does it feel, little brother?

Little brother.

What? It's a small price to pay for a good pun.

Small price. You see what I did there?

Loki, stop this madness. You are playing with powers beyond you.

Beyond me?

That's funny coming from someone so... beneath me.

Well, what about above, or on the side? Or I'm out of here!

Get off my ship.

Enough.

We gotta help Thor.

Follow me. I have a big idea.

You kids go to bed...

- Who's steering this thing? - I'm gonna be sick.

We need a nanny bot. I'm not cleaning that up.

This was your big idea?

I probably shouldn't press this, but it's so shiny.

Wait, don't!

Whoa, what's going on?

Objects are closer than they appear in mirrors.

At least it can't get any worse.

Na... nap time. Na... na... na... nap time.

I had to open my mouth.

Na... nap time. Na... na... na... nap time.

To those who say the Bugle isn't fair and balanced,

we present a new segment...

an interview with an actual Spider-Man fan.

Hey, I wanted to see that!

Have at thee!

Unhand me, villain!

All father! Odin! Who is the big brother now?

Whoo-hoo! Big head makes a big target.

By the power of Odin!

Activate interlocks.

This has to be the worst of your bad plans, web-head.

Going down!

We did it.

See? I told you. Size doesn't matter.

You know the problem with a mindless suit of armor?

It's mindless! Want a job done right...

got to do it yourself.

I am now your Destroyer.

Uh, anyone else need a fresh diaper?

I shall flatten you as I flatten your world!

Big talk from a guy who was playing with his boogers

ten minutes ago.

You miniscule fools.

Prepare to meet your demise.

I apologize to every bug I ever stepped on...

accidentally, on purpose, or otherwise.

We've got to pull it together, guys.

We're getting thrown around like dolls.

I prefer action figures.

We've been wasting our time trying to fight the Destroyer head-on.

- What we need is a... - Potty break?

What? No. A plan.

Separate the Norn stone from the Destroyer.

Thor can't beat the Destroyer alone in his present state.

We can't use normal weapons or our natural skills.

Nothing is designed for us at this size.

Nothing?

Remember, look both ways.

At this size, I don't know what's more dangerous...

the Destroyer or crossing Fifth Avenue.

Whoa.

Oh, I like being big, brother. I get what I want...

your tiny head on a tiny stick.

I grow tired of his commentary on my size.

Totally. It's below him.

Too bad you weren't bitten by a radioactive comedian.

Get in the store, web-head.

There is no escape, you halflings.

Come out, come out, wherever you...

Tag. You're it.

Fastball special, panda style.

You think you can defeat a Norse God with a mere child's toy?

That actually hurt.

You shall pay for that with your tiny, little lives.

Enough! I tire of these childish games.

Come out. I promise to only pluck your arms off

and turn you into a soccer ball.

Whoa! Whoaaa!

Speed bump!

Not this time!

d Then came the Destroyer d

d and washed the spider out... d

Down comes the pain, itsy bitsy spider.

Hang on, Spidey. We're coming.

Surprise, brother. 'Tis I.

No! The Norn stone.

Give that back!

Not until you say the magic word.

Psyche.

It worked.

Stop this right now. I command you.

Power Man, grow up.

Sweet Christmas. Three-pointer to Iron Fist.

Not so tough anymore, huh, Loki?

Yeah. You wanna take your ball or stone in this case and go home?

He shoots, he scores.

Take us home, Thor!

It doesn't matter how small you make us, Loki.

- We're still bigger than you because we know... - Ha ha!

No matter what size, you gotta stand up to the bad guys.

Heh, rhyme.

Whoa!

Spare me your speeches, you mortals. You won't outwit me.

Thor, don't leave me hangin'!

Mine! You can't defeat me. You've only...

Oh, no.

- Outwitted. Again. - Really? Again?

I will destroy you all!

In truth, you need a time-out, little brother.

Curse you, Thor. This plan was foolproof!

Turning you all into kids, that was brilliant!

That... that should have worked. That...

Shut it, "Joki." They don't let crybabies into Valhalla.

Time for your nap, little Loki.

Lights out, kids.

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