Original subtitles

There you go.

Cigar?

Oh! No, I couldn't.

You sure? Best Havana.

I did try one in my youth. Enjoy it?

I did rather!

Oh, goodness! HE CHUCKLES

THEY CHUCKLE So, we said 65, right?

Well, there's 70 cos I like ya.

Thank you.

You know what, Lady Violet, I know this is smaller

than your old house, but I think you'll be very happy here.

I hope so. I grew up with those heirlooms.

Well, I'm gonna keep most of 'em anyway,

so come and give 'em a hug if you miss 'em.

SHE LAUGHS You're very kind.

Only to them what deserves it.

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

Well... I suspect you're a ladies' man.

Guilty!

So don't let us members of the fair sex exploit your good nature.

OK, I'll look out for that, Lady V.

BIRDS CHIRP

Nice bit of birdsong.

Isn't it?

HE LAUGHS

HE GRUNTS

All right, mate? HE CHUCKLES

"Armour" in the mood for love Simply because you're near me!

You don't say much, do ya?

HE CHUCKLES

MR JEREBOHM: I'm glad you've agreed to co-operate

on the Larkins problem.

Yes, we weren't best pleased

at being ejected from your house like hoodlums.

You did attempt to gate-crash our dinner party.

Oh, dear, no, I'm on a diet.

Whatever you're on, it's working a treat, Pinkie.

No, thank you, I've eaten.

So, using your knowledge of the Larkins,

how can we make them suffer?

Well...

Sorry... will we be hearing an apology

for frog-marching us off your premises?

Pop Larkin has swindled these good people, Norma. Let's move on.

I'm all for that...

after I've heard even a tiny squeak of contrition.

Yes, er, of course, yes, well, I'm sorry if, erm...

There we go! How hard was that?

ALEC CHUCKLES

They never forget, do they, the ladies!

No, we don't.

We have to use the few cards we're dealt.

Yes.

Knowing Pop Larkin as I do,

he has weaknesses we can exploit. What are they?

He loves his pig. You could have it poisoned.

You don't understand, do you?

We want the Larkins publicly humiliated and destroyed...

..starting with that man.

There you go, Petunia.

What're you gonna do with these?

I dunno, but classic, though, ain't they?

"Shut yer face!"

HE CHUCKLES What's this?

That, Victoria, is a hip bath.

What's it for?

Well, it's if you've got... dirty hips.

Or raging piles.

Ugh! Good bit of business?

Perfick. There we are!

Now, don't let Oscar pick up stuff and eat it.

All right. Again!

I dread to think what's in his stomach.

I'm worried he's gonna start rattling.

Summer holidays start here, eh?

You know what's been going through my head, Ma?

Tumbleweed, is it? Something by Elvis?

Nah!

Our neighbours, the old Jellybums.

Why don't we have a big, fat barbecue and invite 'em over?

Fine by me. As long as it's not just them...

cos they give my natural joie de vivre quite a battering. Why?

I was just thinking we got off on the wrong foot.

Well, maybe we were a bit greedy about the house.

Let's mend bridges.

Yeah, and I think that Pinkie's all right, you know?

I know you do.

He's the problem. Oh, I dunno.

You get a feeling about some folks.

You do.

Wanna go back to bed?

I can't. I've got urgent business with Primrose.

On a Sunday?!

You don't think you're overdoing it? No.

I've made this mistake before,

over-estimating how observant men are.

God, yeah.

Some of them can't distinguish much beyond naked and not naked.

Thanks (!)

He thinks I'm too young,

so I need to make it blindingly obvious that I'm not.

DOOR OPENS

Hoo!

Good morning, and welcome to the pretty girl...

Erm... HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

..to the ninth Sunday after T-Trinity.

Nice to see so many faces. Old faces, too.

Especially the older faces. Equally lovely.

More, however, because so... characterful.

Yeah, and, er... and wise.

Yes, it is a warm one.

I'll distract them. You get in there.

Mrs Babcock!

Where on earth did you get that handbag?

Erm... Yes, I made it.

Oh, you made it. How fabulous!

I need another word with the Reverend.

No! You've had your turn!

DISTANTLY: Tell me all about the Babcocks. One by one.

Thank you for coming. My pleasure. I'm very religious.

Oh, are you?

Yes, it's embarrassing. Peace be with you.

And also with you.

Look, I'm sorry I was brusque with you the other day.

You seem lovely...

but I hadn't realised you were still at school.

Well, as I mentioned, I'm not any more, and I'm 18.

How old are you? 20, 21?

23. Exactly, no gap at all.

And I'm... I'm mature beyond my years.

I have no doubt of that.

And sociable. My family are having a barbecue Saturday lunchtime,

erm, so please do come,

and allow at least three hours for accompanying activities.

Mm, thank you.

The Vicar is keeping me rather busy, including Saturdays...

No, you have to come.

You seem over-worked, and, erm,

it's important to eat right and not be a stranger to pleasure.

Right. Even so.

There'll be lots of wayward flock there to gather in.

I mean, really wayward.

BRIGADIER: I think we have everything. Mm-hm.

Vicar...

you look like a man without a care in the world.

What's your secret? Jesus.

Apart from that. My assistant's doing all my work.

Best thing that's ever happened to me.

Just don't ruin the Reverend Candy's looks.

He's very young and handsome. So people keep telling me.

I fear you might be exploiting him. Absolutely.

Ah, you look like you're on a mission.

Yes, I thought I'd go Italian this evening,

so I'm after a tin of macaroni cheese.

Ah. CAR DOORS SLAM

They'll never be liked. Rich and mean.

I prodded him about our organ fund,

and it was like I was talking in Danish.

They behaved very shoddily over that shooting business.

You handle the villagers. Oh, look, a notice board.

I feel the pink is a mistake. Pinkie's her name.

I think that restricts her colour choice.

I'd love to be called Pinkie.

Greetings, villagers. How are we today?

We're in the pink.

Oh, you mustn't be. That's my thing! PINKIE LAUGHS

I realise now,

we've rather stomped around in hobnail boots since moving here,

but we already love the place dearly.

Please don't think we're snobbish or aloof.

Hardly. As if we would.

Prove you're not, then.

Well, I accept the reproof, and I shall do better in future.

I'm afraid my husband's a hopeless townie, but I'm working on him.

Can we be friends now?

HE CHUCKLES

Oh!

What you gonna do with yourself today, darlin'?

Now that your life's your own. I'm going to write.

Love poetry? What rhymes with "Reverend Candy"?

Leather and... shandy? Ever stand by me?

No, I'll be writing my thoughts - some stories, my journal.

Some literary criticism. Ooft!

You've got so much going for you.

What ARE you gonna do?

Oh, not go abroad like your sister. No.

Well, I'd like to carry on persuading Reverend Candy

that I'll be a brilliant girlfriend.

Course you do. What about jobs-wise?

I think I might be a good journalist.

That is such an exciting notion! Isn't it?!

Oh, you beautiful, ginger dark horse.

How are you gonna go about it?

Ah. POP: How do?

Hello, Mr Larkin.

Don't let me interrupt your constitutional.

Oh, please do.

I'm only doing it cos Mr Jerebohm likes me to keep thin.

Yeah, well... Takes all sorts.

Yes. Well, he can be quite, erm... Well...

Well, don't keep it in. Tell Uncle Pop.

No, I mustn't.

I'm on a new diet, in fact. Ooh.

Big mistake - unless it's the famous

fish chips, big pudding and pink Champagne diet.

Well, no, it's, erm... ice.

Ice? As many ice cubes a day as I fancy.

You get a very cold mouth.

You really do need more fun in your life, don't ya?

Erm, actually I... I do. I, erm...

I'm so sorry.

It's not always easy at home.

Oh. Yeah, well, I was saying to Ma, y'know,

our families got off to a bad start, but least said, soonest mended.

Thank you!

I don't know how it happened because... well, we...

I love people.

Like, really love them. Good.

You Jerebohms, are you free Saturday lunchtime?

Well, I am. If my husband will let me.

Why don't you come over to ours for a barbecue?

Oh, how super! Of course, I'll only be eating ice cube...

Ice cubes, yeah, well, I'll chuck a couple on the grill.

We'll get our best pals over, too. Chance for you to make new friends.

Oh, thank you, Mister Larkin.

Bye. Ta-ra.

WHISTLES

TYPEWRITERS CLICK

DOOR CLOSES

Good afternoon to you. May I speak to your editor, please?

He's busy. What's it about? TYPEWRITER DINGS

Erm... Well, I've... I've just left school,

so obviously, my thoughts have turned to employment, and I...

Wouldn't recommend a job on a newspaper.

Everyone's very rude, and we smoke like Battersea Power Station.

Oh. Erm...

Maybe freelance work?

DOOR OPENS Head of Maidstone Borough Council?

Joan Timpson.

No, Tim...

Tim... fat bloke.

Oh, OK. I'll just use that, then, shall I (?)

DOOR OPENS

Erm, I have a few samples of my work, if you...

if you'd like a look.

Published? No, no, but, erm... But I, erm...

Come back when you've got experience. You look about 13.

TYPEWRITERS CLICK

WHISTLES Ivor - try to stay within the lines!

If you hit a Roman villa, just keep digging.

I don't want archaeologists piling in, holding up our first swim.

All right, Prim?

No. Nothing's working, everything's horrible.

I wish I was still at school.

Here, we was watching a programme on the telly about Australia,

and in between picking flies out of their teeth, they love a barbecue.

I played an Aussie once. You have to speak like this?

As though you're asking a question?

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: It's quite tiresome?

Sausages? Yes, exactly like that.

No, do you want sausages? Oh, yes.

"And onions?" You see?

Up at the end? POP CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Dudley, how are you? There you are.

I'll just pop a couple of thighs your way, Brigadier.

Please, go ahead.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

I prefer breast.

MA AND BRIGADIER LAUGH

Stop it! Stop it, Brigadier! Just...

Oh, I do apologise. Maturity is such an illusion, isn't it?

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Corn on the cob. Get some chicken and stuff like that.

There you go.

Pauline. Ooh, got yourself a new boyfriend?

No, Pop, it's me, PC Harness, in civvies.

Yeah, he looks weird out of uniform.

I normally make him wear it, even if we're going on a picnic.

She loves my helmet.

Course she does.

So, Mariette's still on her honeymoon, Pop?

Yeah, they're zigzagging their way across Europe, you know,

like lunatics - happy days.

I can't see her settling down. She's not the mothering kind.

Pauline, darling, they said the same about Ma. Look at her now.

Sausage? Steak? Thanks, Pop.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Ah!

Vic. Oh!

Oh, right, erm, sausage, OK... More.

Oh, more? Bit of that on that. Lovely. Anything else?

One of those, please.

Thank you. Ha...

Off you go.

Where is he? He promised he'd be here.

He'll be here. Who'll be here?

Reverend Candy.

LOW VOICE: Leather and shandy.

Oh, yes, he seems very nice, Primrose.

Although you'd hope all vicars would be nice.

What are you staring at?

No sign of our neighbours.

I told her to stop and smell the flowers more.

She looked at me like I was simple.

Ma, honest, she is making an effort.

I tell you, she's not the problem. He is.

Something not right in that family.

You shouldn't have said we'd go. It works better this way.

We've got to let the dog see the rabbit. Hmm.

Unlike you, I'm not good at pretending.

Blanche! Gilbert!

Apparently, there'll be games, children, so you'll be playing them.

Games are for cretins.

Why hasn't Berndt brought the car round?

We're not taking the bloody car!

You can smell the bloody meat from here!

Daddy's even more tense than usual. What's going on?

Well, he doesn't always like doing what I tell him to do.

You'd think he'd be used to it by now.

Have you done a lot of weddings?

Me and Petunia loved Mariette's wedding. We love ALL weddings.

When Zinnia and me get married... Not to each other, obviously.

..we're gonna hire white Shetland ponies as mascots.

You really think I care?

And we're going to dye them different colours.

Cheers. Pop!

Angela! Where've you been?! I know, darling. Mwah!

Stuck in the Smoke, working. THE CHUCKLE

Ma! Oh, you Larkins are the most sociable people I know.

Oh, we love a bunfight. Born to swarm!

Actually, this one is supposedly to soften up our tricky new neighbours.

Oh, here they come.

At least Pinkie's looking perky. ANGELA LAUGHS

What a scream! I love a woman with her own look.

Maybe not so much that one.

MA LAUGHS

Welcome to our humble.

Help yourself to some hot and some wet.

How lovely. We can't stay long.

Oh, dear. Why's that?

Er... Can't say.

Shall we guess? Is it medical?

Ah. Gosh, what an extraordinary-looking family.

Er, this is Johnny Delamere.

Yes, actor - obviously. And local VIP.

What have you been in? You name it.

Johnny's got an amazing anecdote for every occasion, haven't you, Johnny?

Do one. A short one. A short anecdote?

Well, I can't just do one upon a standing start. You do one!

No, no, no, wait, wait, come back, come back, I've got one.

I... I was giving my Mister Busybody at Birmingham Rep

when suddenly, I noticed that there was a movement in my breeches.

And I knew the theatre had a problem with mice,

so imagine my surprise when, suddenly,

and completely out of the blue...

Brigadier! So lovely to see you again.

CHATTER

CHILDREN LAUGHING

CHATTER

I love a firm bottom.

THEY LAUGH

Cheers!

Vicar! No sign of your new colleague?

He's not a colleague. He's a servant.

You're farm types,

so you'll know you have to break a horse before you can ride him.

Do you wanna ride Reverend Candy?

I mean, I know people who do.

Mm... Mm.

Mm!

You stopped yourself talking about your hubby.

You got trouble?

Oh, I think it's a mistake to lift the lid

on one's marriage, don't you?

No, I don't. We're an open book, Ma and me,

and a cracking good read it is an' all. Not that I'm one for books.

Oh, I fear Mr Jerebohm might read

as a brutish, middle-aged Heathcliff.

Right, enough. You need to tell me what that means.

He has a violent temper, and there's been times when I...

And that's why I always wear pink! SHE CHUCKLES

Don't hog the host, dear. Come and look at the fowls.

BIRDS CLUCK

Primrose has left school now - ooh, er.

Hang on to your hat, world! HE CHUCKLES

Yes, it's a chance to flee your family,

run away to join a troupe of players

or become a small-town cobbler.

I'm reviewing my options, but they don't include those, Mr Delamere.

She writes like an angel.

You could be the next Jane Austen, couldn't you? Ya fabulous girlie!

No offence, Prim, but all parents think their kids are geniuses.

Turns out, they're just donkeys like the rest of us.

I've read Primrose's writing, and it's outstanding.

So it was you who took my private notebook from my bag?

Fine! I'm never going to write again!

Hello.

Hiya. Gosh. So much of...

everything.

Well, you should have seen it two hours ago, Rev. Them's the pickings.

I'd given up on you. No need to do that.

Have you always lived on a farm? Yes. I was born here.

Pop and Ma have transformed it since...

bought more land, made the desert bloom.

I'd love to have the same effect on a parish.

This parish, I hope. Not that it's like a desert here.

Not in terms of sand.

Please don't be nervous of me.

I'll try not to be. POP WHISTLES

Right! It's now time for some sophisticated entertainment!

PARTY CHATTERS EXCITEDLY

No, I'll scuff up my trousers!

Get out of the way.

MICROPHONE SQUEAKS

Right-oh, you locals, you know the rules. Very simple.

Be kind and respectful to your wheelbarrow.

Dudley, that means you.

Fair warning, Dudley.

I've been a performer for many years.

Always, before I go on, I get loose bowels.

Ready, wheelbarrowers?!

Aw, this is a sight I shall treasure for a lifetime.

The fear behind the eyes.

Ugh! Ugh!

Lovely to see youngsters throwing themselves into it.

No, it's not working. No higher than my knees.

Well, I'm allowed to aren't I? I am your boyfriend.

Wheelbarrow switching is permitted at the half-way point,

but body-checking and hand-stamping are disqualifi-cation-able.

I tell you what, Dudley...

Should I...? Yeah. Yeah. That's better.

My wheelbarrow is very naughty.

SHE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

Let's just lie down here for a while.

He's not my brother. It's a terrible mistake.

No, no, no. You're the wheelbarrow, we agreed.

We agreed. Come.

I know the concept of original sin is thorny,

but it's a lot simpler than, say, the off-side rule.

I know! Why do people make something so simple so complicated?

Hey, Rev, you should be joining in with Primrose. Go on.

No, I'm fine, thanks.

What? You've got a lifetime to chat.

Wheelbarrow racing only comes by once in a blue moon.

Go on, on you go on. That's it, go on, join in.

Yes, Reverend!

Tuck yourself in snugly behind Primrose.

The Brigadier and I swear by it. HE LAUGHS

Do you like to hold or be held? I like 'em both.

Be gentle with me.

Oh...

Sorry, that... that was your... body.

All right, ducky? Yes, thanks, Poll.

Wanna swap, Pauline? What?!

No, ta.

You ready?

BOTH: On your marks... get set...

go, you wheelbarrowers!

CHATTERING, CHEERING

Faster. Faster!

Faster! Go on, girls!

Go on, twins!

Get in!

THEY GROAN

SHE GIGGLES

GUESTS: Ooh!

I'm sorry, I have to go.

Hm. This is exciting.

What is it? Treasure map? Pancake?

More exciting. One of Primrose's writing books.

Huh. Borrowed it. Oh.

Oh, 'ey up, the sexy professor's arrived.

She's says she's just kidding herself

about being a journalist, but... this is brilliant.

Well, what's it about?

Family life, the passage of childhood, country living.

Yeah, but, Ma, that's what they say.

You've gotta write about what you know.

That's why my next novel's gonna be about cocktails

and the ecstasy of love. Wa-hey!

Oh, get off! Hands where I can see 'em.

I can't have Primrose throwing in the towel

on top of Reverend Handsome just running away screaming.

Mind you, that's why they should be together -

cos he's got her sensitivity.

True. That's Prim all over.

She thinks too much. Feels too much. Brain very fat, skin very thin.

So what are you gonna do, then, Ma? You gonna try and hustle her a job?

Might do.

Well, you worry about her,

and I will worry about Pinkie and that husband of hers.

You do that.

Bear in mind that this is a woman that dresses like a prawn

and leads a double life. Hm!

So I wouldn't trust her.

Ah! Ooh! THEY LAUGH

You're a scream! Do you need a hand?

No, no, no, no. We... We could get up,

but I think we've proved today that we are best on the horizontal.

SHE LAUGHS

THEY KISS AND MOAN

Oh, as I'm down here, give me a massage.

I'm going to give you a special Indian massage.

What's so special about it?

It's from India. Ooh.

Home of the Sama Kutra.

SHE SCOFFS

Oh, my... Ooh, don't stop.

I shouldn't have had that last brandy.

Oh... Or the s...

seven before that.

SHE MOANS, GIGGLES

You seem to have stopped, Brigadier.

Briggy? Are we taking a breather?

BIRDS TWEET

POP WHISTLES

Ma said you'd gone mushrooming. Mind if I come too?

Course. Couldn't sleep? No. Thoughts going round, you know?

Ah, right.

That's it. All good?

Ah... Right. Come on.

Ooh, look at this.

Beauty.

Ha...

You know what kept me awake, Pop?

Well, I won't guess, Prim, just in case I'm wide of the mark.

I'm in love with Reverend Candy.

Well, that's the best reason to have trouble sleeping. Oh.

I'm afraid we have to have one of our chats

where you explain what men think and feel.

I would ask Charley, but he's in Thrakomakedones with Mariette.

Well, I'm glad you said that.

So, in your own man-words, why did Reverend Candy run off?

You wanna ask him, Prim.

No. He already feels under pressure. That would just make it worse.

Well... I'd say he scarpered cos he's not used to women.

Hm. And you, confusingly to me, cos you've been a girl all your life,

are now a woman.

More.

Oh, erm... and everyone was watching him.

No-one likes an audience when they're courting.

And... maybe he feels that he was cradle-snatching.

There's only about five years between us!

Yeah, but you've gotta take that up with him, Prim.

SHE SIGHS

Thank you.

I suppose I need to leave him alone for a while until he's settled in.

Mm!

Angela! HE CHUCKLES

Where did you and the General get to last night?

As far as I can remember, I put him to bed and came back.

Sleeping in your barn somehow seemed simpler.

How was it?

Well, I slept like a dead sheep. THEY LAUGH

Stonking party yesterday. Yeah.

Only you and Ma could throw a barbecue that lasts for ten hours.

THEY LAUGH

I'm afraid I didn't warm to your new neighbours. No.

Mister needs a punch in the face. Well, join the queue.

Spooky kids are not exactly an advertisement for family life.

Yeah, there is something amiss there.

Pinkie nearly let on but stopped herself.

You sort it out. Yeah.

I'm gonna find a lay-by to fall asleep in.

SHE LAUGHS

Right. ENGINE STARTS

Sorry!

Ah. Good day.

May I speak to the editor, please? What's it about?

I have a sample of writing work. Leave it here.

I'd rather speak to the editor.

Oof. You lot like a fag, don't you?

Where is he? Or indeed she. Fat chance of that (!)

Ah.

Try switching to worry beads.

Sorry to barge in.

I am a loyal reader of the, erm... What is it?

Mid Kent Times. Thank you.

And my daughter, Primrose Larkin, has written an article

which I'd like you to consider for the newspaper.

It's very good. Do read it.

Otherwise, you won't know how good it is.

What is she? Six years old?

No. She's just turned 18.

Well, then, why didn't she bring it in?

She did, but like a lot of girls her age,

they're not as secure in their talents as they should be.

Despite being quite mouthy,

she allowed herself to be sent packing.

HE SIGHS, CLEARS HIS THROAT

No. I can't read this. It's not typed up.

Fine.

If I may borrow your typewriter here,

I'll type it up while you luxuriate in your own specialness.

Is your daughter like you?

You be the judge. Have a read.

Or I could read it aloud to you in my best reading voice.

OK. I'll give it a read. Thank you.

She doesn't know I've taken it, so if you don't want it,

I'd like it back, please.

Have some mushrooms.

Lorks, it's exhausting being a parent.

TELEVISION CRACKLES

I've done the washing-up, having cooked your meal,

and I've made the beds and fed the cat,

and to be honest... I haven't got a cat.

Oh.

Well, erm... I fed the cat that was in the kitchen.

And to be honest, I feel I'm doing more than my fair share of the work.

Course you are. You're the junior help.

I'm not, actually.

I'm a fully qualified vicar, like yourself.

All right, we're both bananas, but I'm the big banana.

It's good, this. I never miss it.

Isn't it a bit silly? Yeah.

Completely inane. I can feel my brain dissolving.

I'm afraid I have something to say.

I'm planning to leave the parish... already.

Why? Because you treat me like a skivvy!

And I am also in...

a certain amount of emotional turmoil.

You see, he has to guess which ball it is.

HE SIGHS, CAT MEOWS

CAT MEWS AND PURRS

Hello.

No, you're quite right, that wasn't a question. Er...

Is your sister Primrose in?

Prim!

HORSE GRUNTS

DOOR SQUEAKS Hello?

Can I help you? You can if you're Primrose.

I am she. And I am he.

Harvey Baker, editor of the Mid Kent Times.

What are you doing here?

Ah, spoken like a journalist. Which is how you write.

Your mother brought in your piece

entitled How To Grow Up In The Countryside In Ten Easy Lessons.

My mother? Did she claim I was party to this?

Ah, now you sound like a solicitor. HE SHUDDERS

Don't do that, that's boring. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

No, she suggested you lack assertiveness.

Oh, did she? When you're not being mouthy.

I'm just quoting. That's what we do.

Well, you can just go ahead and give my article back.

With pleasure.

But it's in the paper today, so I hope you enjoy it when you read it.

Cheque's in the post.

Well, you should have asked before publishing it.

Assertive enough?

Your cheque's not really in the post.

That's what's known in journalism as a big, fat lie.

But good on the assertiveness. Thank you.

Do you want a job on the newspaper?

It's not much money. Long hours, often dull,

and we'll let you go in three months if you're not up to it.

Yes. Yes. Excellent.

Come in on Monday, 8am. Well done.

Oh!

Ah!

Oh, ho-ho-ho! Don't read the news.

We already know people are horrible and do bad things.

No, this is an article by Primrose. Oh, I'm very proud.

And don't be one of those mothers who goes on and on about their kids.

You dreary, old parson.

Try being more like your gorgeous Reverend Candy.

I wouldn't get used to him.

Oh, you haven't driven him away already, have you? Edith!

Have a newspaper on me. Oh.

"Milk float crashes into pillar box."

Yes, that's terrible news. No, page 12.

Primrose wrote it! First attempt, straight in.

Little Primrose? God, I remember when she was born.

It was during an air raid, wasn't it?

Yes. Between you and the sirens, there was a lot of wailing.

Cheers, Ma. On me, Johnny.

Ah. Do enjoy page 12.

Oh, what's in it, darling? Is it about me?

No. It's not about me?

Perhaps I'm on another page.

New job delivering newspapers, Mrs Larkin?

That's a step up.

Bless you for your experiment with humour, Norma.

Primrose has written an article.

What's it about?

Growing up with a family you're ashamed of?

Oh, no, thank you, Mrs Larkin. I hate getting ink on my fingers.

Just read it, Libby.

Of course. Delighted. Super. Thank you.

Little does she know.

POP WHISTLES

PHONE RINGS

Larkin by name, larkin' by nature.

PINKIE, SOBBING: 'Please, help me.'

All right, hang on, stay calm. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We'll sort this out. What's happened?

My husband, Mister Jerebohm...

Yeah, yeah, I know who your husband is.

'Oh, sorry, I'm not myself.'

He's had a jealous fit, and he's left the house in a fury,

but he'll be back soon.

He's gonna make my life hell.

Is this what you've been trying to tell me,

he's been bullying you? 'Yes.'

I've been living in fear, but now I'm really frightened.

Right, come and stay with us.

No, it'll just make things worse. He hates you.

Where are the kids?

'Staying with his vile goblin mothers.'

You know, it's him who makes me dress in pink.

I'd love to try green or something.

Oh, Pinkie, I'm so sorry. 'I need to get away for good.'

But he doesn't give me any money - I have to beg him for it.

You couldn't lend me some, could you?

Of course. No problem.

Oh, could you? Oh.

Just enough so I can get to a hotel for a couple of weeks

and... figure out what to do next.

Right, I'm on my way.

What a skunk.

You all right in there, Vicar?

MUFFLED: "Let me out!"

I'm off now, Vicar.

If you're God in cat form, I'm sorry...

but I'm still leaving.

CAT PURRS

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

The editor of the Mid Kent Times has offered me a trial as a journalist!

I know. We was hiding behind a bush.

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Thanks, Ma.

What would I do without you?

You'd have got there!

But it would've taken longer, and we're busy people.

SHE LAUGHS

Aw!

Where's Pop? We need to celebrate.

He had to go to Bluff Court on some emergency.

So, you're staying, then?

Yes. I think so.

Right.

Well, I'll cook this evening.

Thank you. What made you change your mind?

There's a lot of work to do in the parish.

And I have a calling.

MUFFLED ARGUING

Pinkie?

Pinkie? Pinkie?!

Oh, my God.

You! I knew it.

This comes as no surprise to me.

Oh, yeah, good one (!) Are you all right, Pinkie?

It's Mrs Jerebohm to you.

And of course I'm all right, apart from being burgled.

Oh... Oh, I'm very disappointed in you.

Come on, then, what's the set-up?

What's in the holdall? Your wife knows what's in it.

She said she needed it, so I brought it over

cos I'm a generous and trusting neighbour.

KNOCK ON DOOR PC HARNESS: Hello?

Oh... Come in, quickly.

Evening.

PC Harness, arrest this man for breaking and entering.

Well, what's your proof?

Well, he's come in through the window,

there's nothing left in the safe, and he's carrying a holdall.

What's in it? Well, that ain't a pound of sugar, is it?

Yes, it's the contents of our safe. Cash.

Is there cash in there, Pop?

Yes, there is.

Then I'm afraid I gonna have to take you down

to the police station, Mr Larkin.

It's fortunate we'd called PC Harness here

to discuss a donation we're making to the local police charity.

Oh, yeah, Alec, that is very handy (!)

Did your husband put you up to this, or are you just as bad as him?

Cos this ain't gonna work. I don't know what you mean.

Constable, please stop him bullying me.

I hope you're gonna cuff him.

Now... if you believe them,

you have got to be the most gullible copper in Kent.

Y'know, in fact, I know you are. Oh!

Ah!

I'm gonna enjoy this when this all blows up in your face.

BELL RINGS

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