Original subtitles

So get this, I got fired!

I'd never thought I'd say this but...

apparently I'm not good enough for the dog food factory.

I thought you'd say that.

Honey, don't worry...

we'll get along fine without your paycheck.

Instead of going to the movies, we'll watch TV.

Instead of eating popcorn, we'll lick salt.

It's like, why would Joanne fire me?

Bob she's your girlfriend, did she say anything?

Eric, ixnay on oanne-jay.

Donna, you know I don't understand Pig Latin.

Bob, what is Joanne's problem?

Eric, ixnay means shut up.

It's okay, honey. I can talk about it.

Me and Joanne broke up.

And-- and I didn't see it coming.

Bob, what did I tell you last week?

Don't cry in your kitchen?

And I didn't mean just that day. I meant always.

I better go then.

Nice going.

Ackass-jay

Ackass-jay?!

Oh...

Jackass!

Well, honey, I don't think you're a jackass. I think you're a jack-angel.

Hey Mom, look, I know...

you're worried about money with Dad not being able to work.

But I want you to know, I'm gonna go right back out there and get a...

a better job, a high paying job.

Well sure, just go down to the Bureau of High Paying Jobs.

You can't miss it, it's right next to the Pie-in-the-Sky Office.

Jackass!

Oh really? Thank you.

Well the job search is going great.

I think I have a shot at washing an old man's back...

on tuesdays and thursdays.

They were looking for a waiter down at the restaurant.

Whoa, why'd you tell him, I'm up for that job.

That's why I told him.

No, no, no.

Look, Eric, I need this job way more than you do.

You don't have a baby on the way.

But I do have a family to support.

And-- if I don't keep the booze flowing, they're going to get violent.

Well, look...

the only way Brooke's going to let me be a part of my kid's life is if...

I prove to her that I'm responsible.

A promotion at the restaurant would impress her.

And, I mean...

busboy is a job but waiter is a career.

Okay. Well then, you know what. We'll just both go down there, apply and...

may the best man win.

No, I want it.

Laurie! Well look what the whore dragged in.

Herself.

Need I remind you that you are married.

Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married too.

What is your problem?

Are you two at it again?

Your green card is on the way, I thought this marriage was over.

Laurie, I gave you $50 last week to go down to the court house...

and file for divorce. What happened?

Well I had to get a new make up mirror and some wine.

Tomorrow we're going to the court house.

Hmm, the court house is across town. I wonder if you can make it...

all the way there without sleeping with someone.

I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you.

Bitch!

Bob?

What are you doin' here, anyway?

Oh, it's just something I'm trying out.

How's it goin'?

It's a little uncomfortable.

I thought it'll be better than sitting home alone.

It's not.

Oh, my poor dad.

I wish there was something I can do to make him feel better.

Well, once when I was sad, when Michael was cheating on me...

I got flowers from a secret admirer, and it cheered me right up.

I mean, sure I send them to myself. But it's the thought that counts.

Those flowers were from you?

You let me go on and on about how they were from me.

God, try a little honesty!

Wait. That's actually not a bad idea.

If my dad thought somebody else likes him, he wouldn't be so bummed about Joanne.

But men don't really like flowers, do they?

No, they remind as of bees.

Oh, I'll send him fudge.

He loves fudge. I know because one time he got some...

and I asked if I can have a piece, and he quickly changed the subject.

Well, let me tell them what to write in the card.

I'm good at that.

When I sent myself those flowers and read how much I love me,

I felt so much better.

Hey, Roy, remember me? I'm Eric Forman.

- Oh hey, how are you? - I'm here to apply for the waiter position.

- Okay. - Roy...

that's the guy I was telling you about.

Ohh...

Well, I don't think we can hire a waiter...

who's got a disease that spreads through food.

Roy, he really doesn't like to talk about his death-a-food-a-spreaditis.

Death-a-food-a-spread-a-what?

Who are you? Elmer Fudd?

All right fine, he doesn't have a disease.

I just-- I really want the job, Roy.

Well I wish I could give it to both of you. I mean...

Eric's got that Zippy personality and Kelso's old man.

I know what we should do. We should make it a competition.

That way, there's the fun of someone losing.

Okay, everybody, let's put some smiles on those faces.

We're goin' to get divorced.

What the hell's this?

Looks like a box.

I know it's a box.

Hey, what's with the attitude? I'm just making conversation...

looks like a box, it is a box. This is how real people talk, man.

Oh, it's a present.

Ooh, it's a wedding present from Aunt Martha!

You told her about the marriage?

We agreed never to speak of this evil to anyone!

Well, I had to tell a few people...

because I never thought I'd be able to say "Laurie got married"...

without adding "and the baby came early".

Ooh, look at the paper sparkle!

I wonder what it is.

Well keep wondering 'cause this package is going right back.

- But Daddy! - But Daddy!

No, no, I-- I'm just curious...

Aunt Martha's well to do.

So you have to figure, it's a pretty nice present.

Don't you want to just peek?

No, I want to go to the court house. Now get moving.

Whatever's in this package might make you happy for a day,

but a divorce is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Guess what girls?

I got fudge.

Fudge? What a surprise!

Who is it from?

It doesn't say. But there's a poem.

"Roses are red Violets are blue

Fudge is sweet Here's some fudge."

Wha-- they rushed me.

I wonder who it's from,

'cause it sounds like someone likes you.

I hope it's a lady.

Hello!

Oh, hi Joanne.

It's Joanne.

Really? Well...

I think it's a little late to talk about getting back together...

it turns out, I'm very desirable.

So I think this is goodbye.

Oh, and I want my Barry White albums back...

and my body paints.

Oh my God!

I know they painted each other! Ugh!

Eric, you're first.

I'm gonna test you on the skills every waiter should have.

Roy, I want you to know that because of my extensive background in crafts...

I can fold a napkin into a rose, a swan...

and the rarely seen, X-wing Fighter.

- Cool! - I know.

Okay, I'm gonna place a difficult order...

and you'll relay it to Steven in the kitchen. Here it goes.

Surf and turf, no seafood. Meat, nice and pink.

Mashed potatoes, not mashed. Sliced into wedges and fried up.

Okay, so steak, medium rare and french fries.

Okay I'm gonna need #4, still kickin', hold the guppy and send it to France.

And that...

is how you do that.

Surf and turf, no seafood. Meat, nice and pink.

Mashed potatoes, not mashed. Sliced into wedges and fried up.

One cheese burger.

It's very important that a waiter can deal with difficult costumers.

Steven and I are gonna play a married couple.

I'm not so into this Roy.

Excuse me waiter, uh, this wine is no good.

It's our anniversary and I want everything to be perfect.

God knows it's hard enough just to get him out of the house.

Well I'm very sorry madam...

if you'll allow me to bring you a complimentary bottle of our finest wine...

I'd be most obliged.

Most obliged?

That's Shakespeare.

Waiter! Uh, it's our anniversary and this wine is no good.

Yeah, you got a lot more problems than the wine.

You are one ugly broad.

I do not appreciate your tone.

My tone? Dude your wife's a bitch!

Okay. Work your way around the tables with a tray full of dishes...

without spilling or dropping anything.

And for God's sake, watch out for the baby.

Go!

Ten bucks says his skinny little wrist snaps under the weight.

I'll take that bet. He's scrawny, but strong.

Like the Vietcong.

So...

Like when does this test start?

All right. Oh, what's this?

Roy, I think you might have left a 20 dollar bill tucked in my sleeve.

I'm always losing stuff.

But-- No Roy, that was...

And, go!

Well Eric, you're hired.

Oh really? Roy, this is like a dream. Uh...

A really mediocre dream.

All right everybody...

only twelve signatures to the end of what I like to call...

the shame.

Still there...

and it calls to me.

Like a box with something mysterious in it.

There's nothing like a present wrapped in beautiful paper.

It's like...

Cary Grant in a tuxedo. I just want to rip it off.

Don't touch it!

I'm not...

I'm smelling it.

What does it smell like?

A box.

- I hope it's a sewing machine. - I hope it's a TV.

I hope it's a...

a chocolate TV.

There could be perishables in there.

Oh my God! What if it's a puppy?

We have to open it.

I don't care if Eric's in there.

It's going back.

Now, let's get this signed.

- Look right here, paper's ripped. - Oh my gosh, you're right.

Hmm. I see part of a word, moore...

and under that, something cro...

Moore... Cro... Moore... Cro...

It's a Kenmoore Microwave! I win! I win!

Hey. Hyde, where's table seven's fish?

Oh, I got that for you Eric.

Here is your Fillet of Sole.

Ohh... Burn!

All right Eric, here's the pea soup you ordered.

You peed in this soup, didn't you?

No. I'm done trying to screw you over.

All right bud. It's not your fault you got the job...

some people are busboy, and some people are waiters. And...

guess I'm... just an... extremely...

handsome busboy.

Roy...

that extremely handsome busboy just broke my heart.

I really don't think he'd peed in the soup, Eric.

Look, couldn't you find another waiter job for him?

He needs a break, he's got a baby on the way.

Well, there might be a job opening up...

'cause Jeannie said she'd quit if I don't stop asking her out.

Come on, I'm not gonna stop asking her out.

So...

if I really work hard with Kelso...

will you give him another tryout?

Sure.

But I really don't think he can handle it...

and my standards for food service are really low.

I haven't washed my hands in four days.

- Dad-- - Too late, I finished it.

So, I was trying to figure out who sent me the fudge...

and I thought, it could be the lady at the pharmacy.

Which is nice because she's seen my prescriptions...

so we can skip that awkward conversation.

Or it could be the mail lady.

Dad, I have to tell you something.

Jackie and I sent you the fudge.

What?

Well you seemed so sad that we wanted to cheer you up.

But then we screwed your chance of getting back together with Joanne, so...

So nobody likes me.

We like you!

Eh...

We're really sorry, Dad.

I guess it's not so bad. I mean...

I haven't thought about Joanne all day.

Well if you want we can all do something today.

I could take you to the model train shop.

Some of the tiny trees in Pinciotti Town are looking pretty ratty.

Nah, I'm gonna go down and talk to the girl at the pharmacy.

She's got a better keister than the mail lady.

You'd think with all that walkin'...

Hey, guess you either got it or you don't.

Guys, give it up. I'm not gonna be able to do this.

Hey!

That's not the Kelso I know.

A lot of people said couldn't fit 73 cherry bombs into a toilet...

and who proved them wrong?

I did.

That's right!

And a lot of people said you couldn't make out with both of the Ziegler twins...

on the same night and who proved them wrong?

I did!

Oh, and I also brushed your mom's boob at a bake sale...

so actually it was a three-fer.

Exactly! You are Michael Kelso. Right? You make the impossible happen.

Now come on. Let's do this!

Okay. Ready.

Get set.

Kelso!

What?!

Good luck.

Ah! What a beautiful morning! The birds are singing.

The flowers are blooming. Divorce is in the air.

Now, let's finish this.

Red, no one wants to get divorced on an empty stomach.

Ooh, and that's breakfast!

You used the microwave!

Red Forman, I firmly believe that God wants me to bake a potato in four minutes.

No, God wants these two divorced...

and all evidence of their unholy union out of this house.

We got another present.

No, no! Don't open it 'cause we're not keeping it.

Whoa.

Look at that saw!

It's from Billy Schneider down at the hardware store.

He's had a crush on me since I went ladder shopping in that miniskirt.

Okay, just to make it clear. If you're buying me a gift...

I want candy.

For my birthday, christmas, daylight savings-- candy.

Candy!

Now, you can have the saw, Red.

No. I...

that would be, uh...

wrong.

Well.

It would be wrong if they were divorced.

But if they stayed married, sending the gifts back would be rude.

You make a good point!

But I want a divorce.

I'll tell you what, honey. We'll wait a month.

If a riding mower hasn't shown up by then, we'll talk.

Okay, remember, buddy. The tray is like a lady.

Dance with her.

And, go!

I did it!

Congratulations! You got the job.

- Oh. I can't wait to tell Brooke! - Hey.

Welcome to the exclusive ranks of waiter at a crappy hotel restaurant.

I can't believe that I did it.

Yeah.

I can't believe the glue held.

Yeah. Super Glue kicks ass!

You know what Kelso. Your first shift is not gonna go well.

Oh, it's gonna be a disaster!

"Warning: Never put metal in the microwave"

This isn't metal, it is soup.

Miss Kitty! Eric broke the microwave!