Original subtitles

- Are you all right? - Are you okay?

Ten-hut!!

Airman Blinken?

-Here! -Take charge of this so-called detail.

Yes, ma'am.

Detail, follow me.

Now, if you don't mind my asking, Sergeant Deadhead, what's going on here?

Oh, nothing to be upset about, Lieutenant Kinsey.

Just a little explosion.

Just a little explosion?

Who gave you permission to have an explosion?

And look at your uniform.

Filthy dirty.

And all wet, too.

May I ask why you go around setting off explosions?

And why you get your uniform filthy and wet?

Oh, you're gonna make me feel foolish, ma'am.

Just keep beating around the bush, Sergeant, and you're certain

to end up in the guardhouse.

Oh, you wouldn't do that, ma'am.

I'm getting married.

To the airman.

My condolences, Airman.

Why?

Uh, thank you, Lieutenant.

Now, what happened?

Uh, well, ma'am, I picked up this whoosher bomb rocket in town.

A whoosher bomb rocket?

-It's a wonderful thing, ma'am. -It is?

Yeah, you see, you light its tail, and it goes whooshing up to the sky.

Only this time, it didn't whoosh.

It didn't whoosh?

No. Then I crawled in and I wanted to take a closer look

to see if it would whoosh, and all of a sudden...bam!

Well, that does it.

Setting off explosions on parade grounds,

sloppy uniform, and shouting in an officer's ear.

It's the guardhouse for you.

Airman Turner?

-Yes, ma'am. -Escort the groom-to-be to the guardhouse.

-But ma'am... -Ten-hut!!

Left head!

Forward hut!

Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four...

Forward march!

To the rear, march!

Why did you have to go looking for trouble?

Lucy, honey, I don't go looking for trouble.

It just knows where to find me.

We were supposed to get married this weekend.

I know, Lucy. I always try to keep my promises.

We've called off the wedding twice before.

It isn't all my fault, Lucy, honey.

The Air Force just doesn't like people getting married in the guardhouse.

Yeah, I know.

And every time we're supposed to get married, that's where you end up.

Yeah... How about that?

Hup, two, three, four.

*

Hup, two, three...

Come in!

I thought you'd like to know...

Lieutenant, what is going on out there?

General Fogg, with Project Moon Mon...

-Tut-tut-tut! -Moon Monkey going up over the weekend,

and all those visiting dignitaries on the base,

I felt that the safest place for that nut Deadhead was in the guardhouse.

You're so right, Charlotte. So right!

I have a whole file on that man's personal disasters.

His name shouldn't be Deadhead, it should be Jonah.

Guh!

Oh, sir...

Let me help you.

Well, stop it...

Hmm.

Come in!

Your morning mail, sir.

Yes, sir.

Maybe a little Scotch tape.

Shuh!

Now, what did I tell you?

Even when I talk about him, something strange happens.

That man Deadhead has to be kept in the guardhouse until

-after Project Moon Monkey is complete... -Oh, oh, you forgot, too.

We're not supposed to mention Project you know what out loud.

Well... It was a slip of the lip, my dear.

Rufus,

what is Project you know what?

Mm, secret.

But I can tell you because you're close-mouthed.

A lovely mouth.

Rufus, Project you know what?

We both know what.

Our scientists insisted upon it once they found out that something...

funny happens to personalities up there.

And speaking of personalities, dear Charlotte...

What funny happens?

Well, the last rocket we sent up had two white mice in it.

When they came back down they started chasing cats.

Really?

Rufus...

Oh, hang it, Charlotte.

I'm trying to explain this to you scientifically.

When we send that monkey up,

and he goes all the way around the moon,

we're hoping that he will come back down again

the same sweet, loveable banana-eater that he was before we sent him up.

Oh, Charlotte!

- Tell me that you care. - You care!

I care. I care.

But I think you're breaking my back.

Sorry. I'm sorry, but I...

Well, become a veritable bull of the Pampas when I'm near you.

-Moo! -No, no! No, no, Charlotte.

We must remain dignified during business hours.

Deadhead! Filroy!

I don't know what it is,

but somehow, I got a feeling that maybe you guys don't want me in here with yous.

-Oh, no... -Heaven forfend, McEvoy.

It's a social event just being in the same cell with you. Heh.

They got me booked in here for six months.

Too bad.

Aw, don't worry. I'm busting out of here tomorrow night.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me! I'm only in here for a day or so.

I don't want to know about such things.

-I'm busting out of here... -I don't want to know either.

Well, Filroy...

You're busting out with me.

And Deadhead...

- You are, too. - But I...

McEvoy, I'm very unreliable. Don't depend on me.

And besides, I'm a terrific coward.

We're gonna do big things together.

Lucy!

Yeah?

You're real shook up, huh?

Of course I'm shook up.

Every time I get set to marry that clod, something happens.

If he's such a clod, why do you want to marry him?

Why, we women have to protect all the clods of the world.

Deadhead's mine.

He's clumsy, forgetful, unreliable...

I'm getting all confused.

Handsome. Sweet. Considerate. Generous.

He's my clod and, I love him.

* How can you tell if love is real?

* How can you count the stars above?

* How can you tell if what you feel

* Is really love?

* That's a beautiful thing, I know

* Love makes the world go round

* Love is losing a ten dollar bill

* And the feeling you get when it's found

* How can you tell if love is real?

* How can you count the stars above?

* How can you tell if what you feel

* Is really love?

* Love's a wonderful game, I say

* Right from the start to end

* Love is rooting for your favorite team

* And the feeling you get when they win

* Love is wishing with all your heart

* Love is a dream come true

* Love is taking your final exam

* And the feeling you get when you're through

* How can you tell if love is real?

* How can you count the stars above?

* How can you tell if what you feel

* Is really love?

* How can you tell if what you feel

* Is really love?

I know!

I'll get permission to marry him in the guardhouse.

Whew.

Whew.

-Phew! -Rufus!

Her! Her!

Her! Her!

No, no, no! The wires! The wires! Get them away from her!

Get them away!

-That's right. -Oh...

Oh, no. No, no, no.

There's your panic button.

That's the way you want it, General?

Thank you.

When I push that, every siren on the base starts blasting away, right?

Including this one.

Including...that one?

Why on earth would you want to press that button?

In the event of a dire emergency.

Oh, Charlotte.

General Fogg.

This is Lieutenant Dixon at the guardhouse, sir.

What is it? What is it?

Well, sir, Sergeant Deadhead would like permission to come to your office

and speak with you.

Uh...

No.

He says it's very important, General.

Top secret. Red-folder stuff.

Something personal.

Eh, all right, Lieutenant Dixon.

Have Sergeant Deadhead marched over here.

Give him an escort of air police.

Top security precautions.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Charlotte.

Hup right!

Hup!

Remember, Sergeant Keeler, top security precautions.

Come in!

Detail, halt!

At ease.

Sir?

Sir...

Sir?

Sir, what I have to say is for the general's ears alone.

Oh.

Lieutenant, would you mind waiting outside?

Certainly, dear.

General!

Now, then. Sergeant, we don't want the prisoner to escape.

Oh, I'm not going to escape...

You will speak when I tell you to.

Yes, sir.

So have your men take protective measures outside.

Detail, Ten-hut!!

About face!

Forward march!

-Hup, two... -Sergeant, Sergeant.

-General! Sir! -Sergeant Keeler!

Yes, sir.

The prisoner?

All right, Sergeant.

What do you have on your so-called mind?

Well, well you see, General...

Knowing Airman Turner,

she's liable to get permission from you

for us to get married in the guardhouse.

And you don't want to?

Just thinking about marriage scares me, General,

but getting married in the guardhouse...

That sounds even worse.

Uh-huh.

Son,

you came to the right man.

What does that mean, sir?

Mull on it, boy. Mull on it.

Ten-hut!

As you were.

Now, girls, we're going to have a lot of visiting dignitaries on the base,

and I don't want General Fogg to receive any complaints about the WAF detachment.

So be on your toes, will you?

Lucy, what's the matter with you?

-Well... -Well?

You see, Lieutenant Kinsey,

since you're somewhat responsible for Deadhead being in the guardhouse...

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

Well, do you suppose you could get permission from General Fogg

to let us get married there?

My morale's pretty low having my wedding called off three times in a row.

Well, at least you've had a wedding to call off.

I'm still waiting for an invitation.

Let me see what I can do to raise the morale around here.

I've got a pipeline to the general.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

Oh, nonsense.

I'll get to work on General Fogg immediately.

And you'll be the first to know.

Hey!

Oh, I can't believe it's finally going to happen!

Oh.

General, sir,

I'm finished mulling and

I don't know any more than I did before.

Now, look, Sergeant...

You go back to the guardhouse. You go to bed.

Stay there.

Breathe softly.

You be good until the secret thing that's going to happen happens.

Now, you do all of that and, I'll positively guarantee

there'll be no wedding in the guardhouse.

Oh, General!

You're a great human being.

I'll do whatever you say. I'll be quiet.

No one will even know I'm here.

Good, good.

Sergeant, I've always suspected that beneath that

goofy, accident-prone body of yours, there exists a nice, quiet boy...

who, if he lives,

will grow into a nice, quiet man.

Thank you, sir.

You know I don't mean to be mean, don't you?

Yes, sir. I do...

-Sir! -Oh, at ease.

-Thank you, sir. -No, no, no. Relax, relax.

We'll talk this whole thing over calmly and sanely.

Well!

Thank you, sir!

-Very nice of you. -Oh, no, no.

We like to keep our boys happy.

Do you hear what I hear? A red alert!

-Hit the street! -Like this?

Do you have any other suggestions?

Grab a towel! It's every girl for herself!

Hey, girls! Bring us a towel!

It's a red alert! Spread out! Get to your posts!

You Jonah! Jonah! You did it again!

Did what again, General?

-Boy, is this ever a noisy office. -Grrr.

-Yes, General? -Get him out of here!

Put him in solitary! Do bad things to him!

-Like what, sir? -Oh, I don't care.

Use your imagination, only get him out of here!

But, but, but General... But General! Our talk!

-You rang, Rufus? -I don't know how to turn it off!

Do you see what I see?

Brass...

Oh, the brassiest.

Sounds like a red alert.

Well, it couldn't be the real thing, could it?

Knowing General Fogg, he's probably playing fire chief.

Any minute now, he'll come out with a red hat on yelling, "Clang, clang, clang!"

All you psychiatrists think everyone's crazy.

If we come to attention and salute, we drop the towels!

-If we don't...court martial! -Aw.

Do you see what I see?

Well, girls...

For Smedley Missile Center...

Present arms!

Good show! Jolly good show!

Oh, Admiral, do you know how to turn off the sirens?

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Rufus! Do you want...

Do you want a drink of water?

You realize this incident will be entered on my report to the Pentagon.

What do you say to that, General?

Uh... Uh... Uh...

I presume it would only be cricket for me to report this incident

in my weekly chitchat to 10 Downing Street.

Uh! Uh! Uh!

The classical symptoms.

-What is it? -In non-technical language,

he's a three-star dingaling.

Two-star.

Oh, uh, yes. Two-star.

All righty...

Look at the watch.

Look at the watch.

-Maybe a cuckoo will jump out and join you. -Uh. Uh. Uh.

Captain... Not now, please.

There really is an explanation, you know, gentlemen.

A sergeant sat on the panic button.

A non-commissioned officer sat on the panic button?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Did he think it was an egg?

Oh, Captain, that's just silly.

No, the general was worried about Project Moon Monkey and...

You know about Project Moon Monkey?

What is Project Moon Monkey?

Well, the security on this base is just deplorable.

Oh, but it wasn't the general's fault, sir.

You see, he was worried about Sergeant Deadhead.

And then his tie got caught in the drawer.

His tie got caught in the drawer...

And after that, the general was electrified by all those wires.

Oh, the general was electrified.

Electrified... Oh, this is a very sick place.

Uh-huh, yes...

Now, Lieutenant...

I want you to start at the beginning

and calmly tell me exactly what is going on here!

Well, you see, Admiral, it all began some time ago.

Of course, I could be wrong. Then again, I don't believe I am.

If I sound confused, it's only because I am.

Uh, what I mean to say is, the general was concerned about the same thing.

But he felt if we remained objective about the situation, it would be much better.

All right, fellas.

Here's how we're gonna bust outta here tonight.

Hey, can we break out after the movies? 'Cause they got a George Raft festival.

-Don't interrupt... -Oh, I like George Raft.

Shh!

You know what this is, Deadhead?

What?

A ballpoint pen.

Everybody knows that.

Don't ever drop one of these.

- ) - What's the panic?

Looks like a ballpoint pen, right?

-Yeah. -But it ain't.

These pens don't write.

- They blow things up! - )

Ha!

You push the top down and then ten seconds. Blooey!

Blooey?

Blooey.

They blow things up?

Sometimes double blooey!

Ah!

Sheesh.

It's yours.

-But I don't need it. -But I like ya.

And Filroy, when I get to know you better, I'm gonna make you one.

Oh, McEvoy, I don't want one.

I'm gonna make you one.

Rufus...

Yes, Charlotte.

Why are we sitting here like this?

With the moon out...

Yes, Rufus.

I get a sense of security.

A feeling that Deadhead is locked away

and will remain locked away until after Hercules 3 blasts off.

Oh, Charlotte.

I've been having a terribly difficult time.

Oh, I know you have, Rufie.

Oh, Charlotte.

Sweet Charlotte.

Now, now, now. Don't be alarmed.

They're running an old George Raft movie.

He escapes from jail.

Oh! Oh...

Hmm! My, that sounded phony.

You'd think those motion-picture people

would learn how to make a real explosion.

Who do they think they're fooling with a siren like that?

Who do they think they're fooling with a siren like that?

That silly phone bell!

I think that really is a phone bell, Rufus.

Oh, nonsense, my dear.

That is a phone bell, Rufus.

Lieutenant Kinsey speaking.

It's for you, Rufus.

Oh, Charlotte.

General Fogg.

-This can't be happening to me! -Rufus?

He seems upset, doesn't he?

It wasn't movie noises. It was an escape from the guardhouse.

-Who? -You...

-Don't tell me... -Sergeant Deadhead and two buddies!

Deadhead's got to be the ringleader!

I don't think the general likes you.

Smash him! Capture him!

Jump on his head!

Tear his raincoat!

I haven't got a raincoat.

He hasn't got a raincoat.

Forget the raincoat.

Mash him!

Fire him!

You can't fire him. He's in the Air Force.

Oh, Charlotte!

You know somethin'? The general don't like him.

And if we stick around wit' him, we're gonna get in trouble.

I don't want to get in trouble, see, 'cause I promised my mother.

Aw. Good boy.

Let's bust back into this joint.

Hey, wait a minute! Yeah!

I knew it the day I met him that Deadhead's a regular skull thinker.

Look, will you stop...

This is your base, General.

Take command!

All right, I will. I'll take command.

Now, here! Come over here!

Stop right... Stop right here.

Nobody pays any attention to me.

All right, men, down and out.

-But ma'am! -You heard me. Out!

Not you, driver!

It's all yours, Rufus.

And remember, I believe in you.

Charlotte...

All right, driver, that way.

Good luck, Rufus, and give 'em...

Look out!

Eight minutes and counting. Eight minutes.

Green safety arm light on. Affirmative.

Have you sent a report to London yet?

I'm waiting. I've got a premonition about this shot.

There! Good morning, gentlemen.

Everything is A-Okay this morning.

Why were all those sirens going off last night?

Yes, what happened?

Oh, well, sir, the sirens were part of a well-planned alert,

designed by General Fogg to keep the base on its toes until, uh...

Project Moon Monkey blasts off.

Well, that will be in exactly five minutes at 0700.

Mm-hm.

Five minutes and counting. Five minutes.

Well, I hope you have a nice flight,

even though I'm glad I'm not going with you. Ha ha.

There you go. Right up there.

Four minutes to blast off and counting. Four minutes.

Ah, no thanks. We're, uh, not allowed to accept tips.

Oh, this is, uh, in case you need a change.

Cheerio.

Three minutes to blast off and counting. Three minutes.

Automatic locking device is now activated.

Two minutes to blast off.

Final countdown now in progress.

Remove gantry.

Check all negative controls.

- Check all negative controls. - Range ready?

Man 3: Ready.

All fuel-injection systems.

Oh! Beg pardon, sir, but...

What's going on here?

No thanks, sir. I better be going.

Check all positive controls.

Check all positive controls.

Locking device secured.

- Roger, secured. - You're darn tootin' it is.

Hey, would you tell them to open the door.

Please?

Clear the firing area.

Lieutenant, Lieutenant...

Oh...

Did they ever make a monkey out of you.

Rufus, after today, your name is going down in the history books.

I feel it.

I'll share my glory with you, my dear.

12. 11...

Ten seconds, ten seconds.

Look, the general said he'd get me out of marriage, but

this is ridiculous.

Six. Five.

- Huh? - Four.

-Three. -Let me out!

-Two. One. -I don't want to volunteer for this detail!

-Blast off. Blast off. -Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

The monkey?

The monkey talked?

No?

-Deadhead. -Help! Help!

Lucy!

Lucy!

Who is Lucy?

Uh, that's Airman Lucy Turner, sir.

His bride-to-be.

Would anyone care to make a wager?

How could this have happened!

-Well... -Just tell me that, General! How could this have happened?

Lucy!

Move him right on the couch, gentlemen.

-Come on. -All right. Right over here.

Never mind, Lieutenant. I'll get it. I'll get it.

- Hello? - This is your President.

Oh, yes, Mr. President.

You old fool of a general!

Uh, no, sir. This is Admiral Stoneham. Navy, you know...

I know there's no admirals in the Air Force!

How did a sergeant get...

Uh, the Air Force is not quite certain

as to how the sergeant got into Hercules 3 with the monkey.

Is the Navy certain that the newspapers got onto this goof-up yet?

Uh, no, sir. We have not as yet notified the press that the space vehicle is manned.

Well, don't you care that y'all gonna keep that jughead from talking?

Oh, yes, sir. We've jammed the space vehicle's radio so that the sergeant may not transmit.

Now, listen to me, son.

You get that boy and girl married, you hear me?

I have your instructions, sir.

And never fear, the Navy's here.

Stow it, you fool!

It'll take more than the Navy to get us out of this tall cotton.

Keep it up, and you're gonna be polishing a battleship.

That was just sort of a joke, Mr. President.

You're forgetting. It's coming on election time.

Yes, Mr. President. I realize this is hardly the time for jokes.

You've got your orders, boy. You...

They shall be carried out, sir. Immediately.

Lieutenant, bring in Corporal Lucy Turner.

Oh, really, sir? Do you think we should involve her in this?

Lieutenant, I am an admiral.

That is like a general.

Bring in Airman Turner!

Uh, yes, sir.

Now, you all pay attention.

I've just conferred with the...

It was someone very high up.

As of this moment, you're all sworn to secrecy.

Now, here's our strategy.

This was not...

a foolish error.

Not a foolish error.

This was a well-planned, well-executed, secret launching.

Secret launching.

Sergeant Deadhead volunteered to be shot up with a monkey.

Sergeant Deadhead is a brave, heroic volunteer.

Brave, heroic volunteer?

I knew it, sir!

Here is Airman Turner, sir.

He will get a medal.

A medal?

I brought you Airman Turner, sir.

General Fogg will get a medal.

I will get a medal.

For what?

Your brilliant planning of Project Moon Monkey.

Now, where's Airman Turner!

Right here, sir.

-Now, hear this! -Yes, sir?

Now... At the suggestion of someone very high up,

you are going to marry Sergeant Deadhead

as soon as we pick him up and bring him back here.

I'm finally going to marry Deadhead!

Oh! Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Now, what we want is to make him happy.

Oh, I'll try, sir. I'll try.

And then we'll want to keep him busy.

-Oh, she will, sir. She will. -Yeah...

Look...

Listen. I don't mind eating bananas with you and playing checkers with you,

but the cheating's got to stop.

No, no, no. I told you.

I'm not going to play checkers with monkeys who cheat.

Here.

Have a banana.

Stuff your fat face.

Boy.

Some company you are.

Now, hear this.

Now, hear this.

At about this time, you might feel a slight personality change.

Give me that banana!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

John Hiestand with the news.

The White House has just announced that Project Moon Monkey is a success.

At the same time, news media have been informed

that Hercules 3 is manned by a crew of two astronauts,

a Sergeant O.K. Deadhead and a chimpanzee.

Arrangements are being made for Sergeant Deadhead to be flown to Washington

to meet with the President

as soon as he's returned from his epic flight.

And here's a late bulletin.

Zookeepers acclaim Moon Monkey.

Who put that in here?

Hello?

Chief psychiatrist's office?

I need help.

After they land, I know how to handle the monkey.

But what do I do about the big ape that's with him?

Oh, Admiral, I couldn't do that.

And the latest news from Project Moon Monkey

is that our space hero, Sergeant O.K. Deadhead,

is going to be married.

The lucky bride is WAF Airman Lucy Turner,

who is stationed at the same base with the groom.

Y'all understand what I'm telling ya?

Yes, sir. Due to the circumstances, you're asking Congress

to empower me to perform a marriage ceremony on land.

That's like giving you an extra star, boy.

I understand, sir. And never fear, the Navy's...

Y'all stow it, boy. Y'hear?

Yes, sir.

Me?

Performing a marriage ceremony on land...

Do you know what that means?

Yes. Someone made a bloomer.

Ed Reimers, ladies and gentlemen. I bid you good evening.

Project Moon Monkey has come to its successful conclusion.

The space capsule bearing our two intrepid astronauts

splashed down at 4:00 this afternoon.

And here are some scenes of that historic moment.

Paramedics were dropped into the ocean

to be near the capsule moments after it landed.

There was a slight delay, however,

inasmuch as the capsule landed slightly off its target area.

About 1500 miles to be exact.

But everything ended well as we see here.

The capsule is being taken aboard the U.S.S. Spyhook.

And here's a late bulletin.

Zookeepers acclaim Moon Monkey.

Who keep putting that in here?

We take you now to my colleague John Hiestand in Washington

for an in-person interview with the astronauts.

I'm sorry, Ed, but we were unable to get both astronauts for this interview.

Well, never mind, John.

I'm sure news-lovers all over the world are interested in what our hero has to say.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Astronaut Chimpanzee.

That idiot Deadhead has made a mockery of my entire career.

I'm through with this business, and that's final.

Good night, John.

Good night, Ed.

I'll have to lash him my whole life.

Certainly don't run a taut ship around here.

Captain Weiskopf, just what do you think you're doing?

General Fogg, what kind of a base is this?

You don't even have a band.

I had to organize one myself.

Him, I got from the ammunition dump.

That one from the rifle range.

He's a cook.

And that's...

I don't know where I got him.

Now, men. Our hero will be here in about a minute.

When you see him, I want you to play

Anchors Aweigh.

Just one minute! We certainly will not play Anchors Aweigh. He's an Air Force man.

We will play Anchors Aweigh, and I will tell you why.

-Why? -Because it's my band is why.

Sir! Is it all right with the captain if we play Jingle Bells?

Of course not!

It's the only song we know.

Here he comes!

Oh! A one, a two...

Forward, hut!

Ten-hut!

Your hero has returned.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you!

Cool it.

Hey, uh...

What's going on here?

Well, you're going to be married.

Says who?

Listen.

As soon as I get into some comfortable clothes,

I want you to report to me in your office, skinhead.

-Skinhead? -That's right.

And that means you.

-And you! Ho! -Ho!

Hmm. Pronounced hostility symptom.

-What's that mean? -He hates us.

Gentlemen, this calls for a conference.

In my office.

Since we're all in the same boat together, at least can't we be friendly about it?

General, tell me.

Before Sergeant Deadhead joins us,

what's he really like?

Brave, heroic.

Volunteered.

You know he's not a volunteer.

You goofed.

You shot that rocket up with him in it.

By mistake!

Do you think he'll sue?

Sue? Who cares about that? We've got to keep him quiet about what happened.

Or we'll be the laughingstock of every country in the civilized world.

Attention!

At ease, at ease.

Sit down, boys. Sit down.

Where'd you get those pajamas? They look like mine.

Relax, poopsie. They are.

Poopsie? And what is a poopsie?

Poopsie is who I call "poopsie."

Oh.

Is there any hot coffee in this joint?

Of course there's hot coffee in this j...

I insist on hot coffee here 24 hours a day,

in case I want to think.

Good. Pour me a cup.

And where are the dames? Bring on the dames!

Now, listen. There's gonna be a lot of questions, lot of questions.

Now, I don't think you've got the picture.

I'm not a national hero, I'm a world hero.

Now, I know how I got into the rocket.

And you know how I got into the rocket.

But do we want the whole world to find out what happened?

-Hmm? -Of course not, you clown!

Ah, ah, ah...

Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein.

I think you've created a monster.

My coffee.

Would you like a little danish?

No, thanks. Just a little cream and sugar...

toots.

Toots?

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, tell me...

What's wrong?

Oh, forget it.

Girls, what's happened?

Oh, lock the door! He's mad!

-Who? -Mad? Who's mad?

-Deadhead. -Deadhead?

Yeah, he's been chasing us around the parade ground.

We're lucky we had a head start.

Last night, he was a hero. A hero!

Deadhead?

A-ha! I gotcha!

Wow!

Ole!

Love your outfit.

Toro, toro!

Oh, toro!

Poor Deadhead.

He was so nice and quiet and shy.

And I didn't appreciate him that way.

What happened to him up there?

What happened to him up there?

He wants to take over the Army, the Navy, the Air Force.

He's a one-man disaster.

Poor Rufus.

Wait a minute!

Wait just a minute.

My whole career... going down the drain.

I once saw a film about the OSS.

You know, during World War II?

They got one man to substitute for another.

They looked alike so no one knew the difference.

They were exact doubles.

Make a call, Rufus.

Come in.

- Admiral... - Thank you.

In the future, buster, let's not tie up radio with unnecessary messages!

You see, they're organizing a fan club for me.

You shut up!

-Here now, down... -Quiet, you...

Careful you don't make him mad.

That's it! You pushed me just a little too far.

I'm gonna call the press!

The President!

Well, we'll see about that.

Air police! Air police!

- Hi, fellas! - Arrest that fathead.

Are you kidding? You can't arrest me. Not ever again!

I'm the king! Big K, small I, small N, small G, with a crown!

He'll say something nasty about the way I ran the shoot!

Take this phony hero to the brig.

Guardhouse.

And put him in solitary till further orders.

You can't throw me in the guardhouse.

The American people want to see me!

I'm their idol.

Oh, boy. The fat's in the fire now!

-Out! -I will return!

"Shall return."

Now we'll all be in trouble.

Oh, he'll tell the newspapers. Oh, he's got a big mouth.

-Gentlemen, our worries are over. -What?

Help is on the way.

They found a double.

An exact double!

And he's patriotic.

- Patriotic? - He'll do exactly as he's told,

after I hypnotize him.

Oh, I'll break that king to a private!

Is there anything lower than a private?

Uh oh. A snag.

What snag? We substitute this Donovan for Deadhead. There can be no snag.

What about his girl?

Airman Turner?

There will be a wedding as planned.

She'll never know the difference.

Have the place broken down to a skeleton crew.

The fewer witnesses we have, the better chance we'll all have of coming out of this.

And have them bring Donovan to the rec hall.

I must tell Charlotte.

Lieutenant, heh, about this.

She'll never know the difference?

He's here. He's here. That's the truck!

Hooray! Hooray!

Our time of torture is over!

If you keep shouting, everyone will know just what we're doing.

-And if anyone finds out... -The firing squad.

Now, be careful, be careful. Don't bump it against anything.

Where would the general like the box, sir?

- Well... - The admiral wants you to put it anywhere,

-but do it quickly. -Yes, sir.

- Over there, on that stand. - Yes, right here.

-All right, you're dismissed. -Yes, sir.

-And don't let anybody know about this. -Here are the keys, sir.

-You understand? Not anybody! -Yes, sir.

All right.

Now we'll take a look at our secret weapon.

Admiral, this is a job for a medical man.

I'll unveil our new hero.

Son of a gun!

He's the spitting image of Deadhead.

Sergeant Donovan reporting as ordered, sir.

Oh, everything is beautiful.

Beautiful.

He's a dead ringer.

He's Deadhead.

Attention, Sergeant Donovan.

Yes, sir.

Allow me.

-Thank you, sir. -Oh, not at all, my boy. Not at all.

Tell me, Sergeant Donovan, do you love your country?

Oh, yes, sir. I do.

And you would do anything in the world for your country?

I would, sir.

Well, we have a very beautiful and healthy young girl that we want you to marry.

Yes, sir.

But, sir?

I don't even know her.

Oh, yes, you do.

You're engaged to her.

I am?

Well, Sergeant Deadhead is engaged to her.

And you are Sergeant Deadhead.

-No, sir. -Well, for the time being.

Yes, sir.

-Sir? -Hm?

How far do I go with this?

Well, as far as you have to.

-But, sir... -Now, for your country.

Yes, sir! From this moment on, I will comport myself

as I imagine the real Deadhead might.

Yuch.

The wedding's been postponed so many times,

I wouldn't be surprised if the dress didn't even fit.

Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's get in it and see.

Boy, there sure has been a lot of mystery about this wedding.

I can't understand why I haven't been able to see the groom all day.

Well, you know that Captain Weiskopf is a very strange man.

He thinks it's bad luck to see the groom before the wedding.

Well, nothing can go wrong now.

Nothing can go wrong.

Maybe I should tell you a few of my experiences.

* I find myself alone most every night

* Or maybe with some friends or others

* Somehow, it doesn't seem quite right

* Always a friend, never a lover *

But...

* You should've seen the one that got away

* Why, I remember just the other day

* A captain with a 40-foot yacht

* Asked me to forget him not

* I thought I had him right on the hook

* But then he took another look

* You should've seen the one that got away

* Tall and handsome, with a touch of gray

* I thought I'd cook a dinner for him

* One to be a winner for him

* The steaks were rare, but the stakes were higher

* I burned the steak, put out his fire

* I admit, I played the game

* The game of love I love

* Well, I may lose, but just the same

* When I begin, I play to win

* You should've seen the one that got away

* The one that said his love was here to stay

* As I recall, it was new years eve

* I guess that I was just naive

* Before the year was one day old

* His love had went and left me cold

* I guess there's nothing left for me to say

* You should've seen the one, you should've seen the one

* You should've seen the one that got away *

Let me outta here.

Let me outta here!

I wanna get outta here. Get me out!

Frankie? How come Admiral Stoneham

made us shove cotton in our ears for this detail?

Sorry, Charlie. I can't hear you.

You're forgetting that Admiral Stoneham made us shove cotton in our ears.

I can't hear your answer anyway, Frankie.

I have the cotton we got shoved in our ears.

Now I'm mad.

Now I'm really mad.

Now, you watch me carefully, and when I give you the signal,

you play Lohengrin's Wedding March.

Right. Only we can't.

What do you mean, "You can't?"

The only song we know is Jingle Bells.

Jingle Bells?

Jingle Bells.

Lucy, will you settle for Jingle Bells?

Oh, I'll settle for...

Him.

Attention!

As you were.

She's beautiful.

Naturally, naturally. Glad you like her, my boy.

You think she'll know that I'm not who I'm supposed to be?

If she does, I'll plead insanity.

Oh, you're beautiful.

Deadhead, somehow you look different.

He looks different, she says.

You're different and yet you look the same.

You're beautiful.

I know what it is.

It's the way you look at me.

As if you're seeing me for the first time.

It's true.

Darling?

You know, you've never said, "I love you."

I've never really seen you before.

Do you realize that in all the time we've been engaged,

you've never even held my hand?

He hasn't? I mean...

I haven't?

But after we're married...

Charlotte, there's... There's something I want to ask you.

Yes, Rufus, what is it?

Rufus, you were trying to say?

What is going on here?

Bring him back, or I'll have you both court-martialed.

-Yes, sir. -Yes, sir.

I think he went that way.

No, I think he went that way. Let's go this way.

Hey, what are doing?

Admiral Stoneham, they can't take him away from me now.

Here now, here now. Unhand this man.

But, sir, he's escaped.

Escaped? How can he escape? He's here.

Right. Not him. It's the...

Well... It doesn't matter. Whoever it is, go and find him!

Now, you men don't stand around.

Spread out. Go and find him.

Ah!

-Hold it. -Hold it!

-We gotta get in! -Hold it!

-There he goes! -Where?

All right! Wait a minute! Hold on!

Everything's going to be beautiful, and the wedding will continue as planned.

Hey! Come back!

Come back!

There he is!

Frankie? I got a feeling there's a promotion for us in this.

We've caught him! We captured the imposter!

Charlie, you're forgetting something.

We're the ones who let him escape.

Oh, yeah.

Back to the guardhouse, Deadhead.

Boys, we found him! We found him!

Let's get him back to the rec hall and go on with the wedding.

-Yeah! -C'mon, pick him up.

Boy, will the lieutenant be glad to hear about this!

C'mon, fellas. Bring him along.

There he is!

They killed him!

No, he's all right. He's just knocked out a little.

Deadhead, Deadhead, speak to me. Speak to me.

Speak to her, honey...funny.

Oh, this is going to be a very quick ceremony.

Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Oh, I do, I do.

Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

He said, "I do."

-I heard him. -You sure he said, "I do"?

Would I tell a fib?

Well, by the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Well, what about the wedding ring?

- Uh... Yeah. What about the wedding ring?

Why bring that up now?

Well, I just happen to have one with me.

You have a wedding ring?

One never knows when one might need one.

Why, marvelous, marvelous.

This makes it official.

What are you doing?

It suddenly came to me.

He...

We've married her to...

Deadhead! You traitor!

Oh!

- Deadhead! - Come back here!

- Stop him! Stop him! - Deadhead!

Stop him! Bring him back!

Bring back the happy groom!

Oh...

You, Airman. Take her to her quarters.

Yes, sir.

And I'm a doctor. I'll examine her.

That won't be necessary.

Begging to report, sir. The escapee is in the guardhouse.

Bring whoever it is in the guardhouse to General Fogg's office immediately.

Yes, sir!

Which one do you think it is?

Does it really matter?

Can you really perform a wedding ceremony?

Well, you heard the President. On land or at sea.

Rufus, this is it.

Darn the torpedoes and full speed ahead!

-Here's the prisoner, sir. -Dismissed.

Sergeant Donovan...

We're very sorry you were placed under arrest.

It was a natural mistake.

You look so much like Sergeant Deadhead that... Ew.

Actually, though, they are really married, aren't they?

I performed the ceremony. You were there.

Donovan, we must carry on.

Navy tradition, you know.

And Air Force.

But, sir.

I'm not married to her. You said that Sergeant Deadhead is.

Oh... Who's going to tell her?

Sergeant...

You put that away.

Tell me.

Don't you like girls?

Oh, yes, sir.

Very much.

Then why don't you want to take her on a honeymoon?

But, but what if she questions me about certain things that

she and Sergeant Deadhead used to do?

Well, fake it, my boy. Fake it.

It's only for a couple of weeks.

We'll arrange a honeymoon at some nice hotel in town.

Honeymoon...

A couple of weeks with Lucy.

And just yesterday, I didn't know she existed.

All right, sir.

I'll do it. For my country.

Oh, that is nice. That's very, very nice.

- Thank you, sir. - Isn't that nice?

Mm-hm.

Papers, soldier?

Sure.

No, sir, I couldn't take any money. Not from you.

-What do you mean? -You're a hero.

Hey, that's me!

Yeah.

And how about that wife of yours?

Va-va-va-voom!

My wife?

Va-va-va?

I didn't pose for that picture.

You didn't?

No.

He's an imposter.

And he's on my honeymoon with my wife!

Your wife?

That's right!

At a special party held in the honor of...

Sergeant O.K. Deadhead.

That's me.

At the Francette Hotel...

Are you sure you're not the imposter, mister?

Son...

Sonny boy...

You're looking at the hero.

The king! Capital K, capital I, capital...

Papers! Papers!

You miserable...

The Francette Hotel, huh?

* Oh, there he goes, he's the one, he's the one

* He goes around breaking hearts just for fun

* Gives you a kiss, then he runs away

* His love tomorrow, and his love today

* He's a two timing angel with parts in his hair

* A two timing angel, the devil makes kill, it's a sign, though

* Oh, there he goes, he's the one, he's the one

* I love you so, I love so

* But there he goes, there he goes

* There he goes, there he goes

* I need him, and I want him

* Oh, there he goes, he's the one, he's the one

* There he goes, bless your soul, bless your soul

* He is the kind, makes you don't get skin old

* He gives his heart to the first girl he meets

* His love is yours, but never for keeps

* He's a two timing angel with parts in his hair

* A two timing angel, the devil makes kill, it's a sign, though

* Oh, there he goes, he's the one, he's the one

* There he goes

The bridal suite is ready, sir.

All right.

Va-va-va-voom!

The bridal suite?

Well, good night, honey.

Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going?

Well, I've got a... a speech or something.

Oh, I'm sure General Fogg would give us permission to, uh...

talk and

really get to know each other.

Get to know each other?

Talk! Oh, yes. We, we've got lots of talking to do.

Would you excuse me?

Is the general forgetting that I'm not married to this girl?

Sergeant Deadhead is.

Charlotte, what can I tell the lad in a situation like this?

Let me, General.

Sergeant, in the words of William Tecumseh Sherman...

-Yes? -"War is Hell."

Good night.

Well, come on, darling. You don't have to be bashful.

Oh, I'm not bashful. It's...

Well, it's... It's just that...

Well, I've never done this before.

Neither have I, darling.

Oh, that must be the bridal suite.

Oh...

Sweetheart.

Yes, yes. Coming, my little chickadee.

Look. Isn't it beautiful?

Beautiful.

Oh, I like that.

Yes, that was quite an experience as I remember it. Uh...

-Navy... Yak yak. -And then when the fog cleared,

we, uh, we saw the sub right on our starboard side, so...

- Sir. - I gave the order to fire,

and we hit her right smack in the middle.

What?

- You remember that, don't you? - No.

Oh, no. You weren't there, were you?

-Pardon me. Pardon me. -General, what is it? What...

-Uh... -Yeah.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, please excuse us.

-Top-secret meeting. -Top-secret meeting.

Sweetheart...

Popsie doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Ah...

I'm here.

Whoa...

Are you here!

Oh, just one more minute, darling. I want to put on some perfume.

Who needs perfume?

Open the door!

Open this door immediately!

This is your commanding officer.

Open this door!

Open the door!

If you don't open that door, I'll break it down!

Guard, break the door down.

Uh...

Anything I hate is a smart a...

lieutenant.

All right. We know you're here. Come on out.

You're completely surrounded.

What is going on here?

Where is he?

-Who? -Deadhead.

He's standing right next to you.

-But... -Why, so he is.

But, but, but... Ow!

There's something strange going on here.

Well, Lucy, I'll tell ya...

Wow, wow...

We understand there's some curiosity-seekers around.

We don't want them to bother you.

Until you crashed, Admiral Stoneham,

my husband and I were alone together, preparing to celebrate our honeymoon.

Isn't that so, darling?

I'm sure I'm speaking for both of us.

Could we be left alone together? Please?

Why, yes, Admiral. I think we owe the lovebirds a little privacy.

Oh, yes. Certainly. Of course, of course.

No, Admiral. Admiral, General, don't leave me. Don't...

Wow, wow, wow.

Good night,

young lovers.

Whoever you are.

I don't understand you, Deadhead.

First, you're chasing me. Now, I have to chase you.

You're a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Oh, well, I, uh...

Um... My feet hurt.

Oh... Playing hard to get.

How come you were so brave before?

I'm just a little tired. You know...

-Being sent up into space and like that... -Mm.

-Yeah... -Oh...

Kind of tiring...

Him's tired.

I know just the thing to relax you.

You do?

Mm-hm.

Mommy does.

Here, now!

But first...

We'll take this jacket off.

-We will? -Mm-hm.

I'll make you nice and comfy.

* Some people like a game of golf

* And maybe tennis, they're fond of

* But the game I see, for you and me

* Let's play love

* Some fellas like a game of chess

* Or maybe checkers, they're fond of

* Now, those games I'll try, and so, goodbye

* Uh-uh. Let's play love

* No one has to know the rules

* We'll make 'em as we go

* I know I'd be a fool

* If I didn't love you so

* Make yourself comfortable -I'm fine.

* Take your tie and your shoes off

* -Here? And relax, my friend, just give in

* Let's play love

Oh...

And now, we'll take off his tie.

Wh... What if someone should walk in?

Don't worry. The door's locked.

And now...

What? What? What?

We'll take his shirt off.

Sure.

Mm? And I'll fix you a nice, warm bath.

That'd be nice...bath.

And then I'll scrub your back.

A wife should scrub her husband's back.

Could we talk about that?

Ohh... He's bashful...

Now, you just wait right here and relax,

and Mommy will go get your tub ready.

Man, that's smooth.

Now, my shy, little petunia.

Va-va-va-voom!

Hey, what got into you?

* I'm ready now to play the game -Come here, baby.

* To play the game that I'm fond of -Hm, it's about time.

* And it's gonna be, just you and me

* -Oh, baby. Let's play love

* Well, that's what I've been waiting for *

You don't have to wait any longer.

* Now, you're the guy that I dreamed of -But, of course.

* And I'm glad to see, it's you and me

* Mm, let's play love

* No one has to know the rules

* We'll make 'em as we go

* I know I'd be a fool

* If I didn't love you so

* Make yourself comfortable -Okay.

* Play the game that we dreamed of

* Yeah, the game I see, for you and me

* Baby, let's play love

* Mm, let's play love

* One more time, let's play love *

Oh. Oof.

They blocked it.

Open the door!

This is Admiral Stoneham. It's an emergency!

We don't need any!

We have one of our own.

Listen, fellers. We're not fooling.

We've had a telegram from the President.

If he wants my autograph, he can have it after the honeymoon.

Don't be smart.

This is Captain Weiskopf.

Something of the utmost has occurred.

I know!

I'm in love.

This is your general speaking.

If you two airmen don't open that door immediately,

we could all get into a heap of trouble.

Break the door down.

Everybody back.

Break it down.

-Whoa! -Ah!

Aren't you boys a little big for that?

Next time, I'll call for frogmen.

Wait a minute. Wait just one little minute.

Admiral Stoneham, up until now, I've been a very good sport

and played soldier.

Now, I would like to play bride!

Gentlemen, I've never been on a honeymoon before, and all these interruptions...

Could give a man a trauma, a permanent trauma.

-Now, I think I can help... -I'll give you a permanent trauma.

Have you forgotten why we're here?

No, sir. But I know why I'm here.

No, not you. Us.

We are here because the President insists on meeting you at the White House.

All right. All right.

As soon as we finish our honeymoon,

I'll give him a call and tell him that we're coming by for a visit.

Er, no. You don't understand,

Sergeant Deadhead.

The President wants to see you now.

A sort of, um, command performance, old boy.

But didn't you explain?

Oh, well, I doubt if he'd be interested.

Now, there's a plane waiting.

What about our clothes?

Well, well, forget it.

Uh, your, uh, clothes will be waiting for you on the plane.

And a new hat for you to give to the President.

It is not a hat. It's a hero's helmet.

Escort these people to the airport.

-Now, get along. Get along. -Like this?

Oh, he'll love it.

-Now, hurry. You cannot keep the President waiting. -Wait!

But our honeymoon! I don't like the way I'm being treated!

Well!

Shall we go back to my office and celebrate?

-By all means. -Oh, yeah.

Well, gentlemen,

we've come out of the shambles smelling like roses.

Yeah. To us!

-Hear, hear. -I'll drink to that.

Yes, Charlotte, might as well cut the cake.

Come in!

By all means.

Sergeant Deadhead!

No, sir.

Sergeant Donovan.

-Donovan? -Donovan!

What are you doing here?

Something's happened.

Oh, did something happen.

Why, you imposter, you! This is all your fault. I...

Captain, it's not my fault.

I've had it.

And you're all gonna get what you deserve.

Listen to him. Listen to him!

Are you sure that isn't Deadhead?

He's talking crazy like Deadhead!

Here, now, young man! You...

Wait a minute.

What if he tells the newspapers?

He wouldn't dare.

Would you?

No telling what he'd do.

This may mean a court martial,

but all my life, I've wanted to do this to a general.

Ah!

Or a captain.

Sir.

My cake.

Oh...

You know, this is the first moment we've had together since we've been married.

I know.

And I'm really enjoying it.

I've never seen so many strange things

happen to a husband and wife on their wedding night.

-Darling? -Yes, honey?

What happened to you in that rocket?

Well...

Ever since you've been back, it's...

Well, it's almost as if you were two separate people.

Oh, I was.

What do you mean?

* Maybe yesterday, I was someone else

* Maybe I have changed, it's true

* But I'm happy to say, I'm more happy today

* And the difference in me is you

* Maybe until now, I was just a fool

* Dreaming foolish dreams, it's true

* But lately it seems now, they're different dreams now

* The difference in me is you

* I don't mind sayin' the change is stayin'

* Now that I'm close to you

* It's so compellin', I feel like tellin'

* Just where the credit is due

* Maybe now at last, I'm the lucky one

* 'Cause I found what love can do

* And now it's more charming with you in my arms

* And the difference in me is you

* Now it's more charming, with you in my arms and

* The difference in me

* Yeah, the difference in me is you *

Well, this is it.

-Our big moment. -Uh-uh.

Your big moment, darling.

I'll wait for mine.

Mr. President, here we come.

I don't care where he is. Just grab him, and get him out of the White House.

Well, come in, come in.

I understand congratulations are in order.

Thank you, Mr. President.

May I kiss the bride?

-Aw... -Yes, sir.

Oh, thank you.

And, Sergeant, I'm mighty proud to shake your hand.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, and sir, I'm to give you my helmet.

The Air Force thought you'd might like it as a memento.

Well, much obliged, Sergeant.

Can I try it on?

Yes, sir.

There he is. That's him.

- Come on, you crazy nut. - Get out of here.

We got him in a headlock.

That's my helmet! Get your dirty hands...

What's going on?

I don't know. I guess it's the way they do things here in Washington.

- Come on, you. - Maybe he's late for an appointment.

I have a hunch he didn't want to keep it.

Watch his legs.

Look out! He's trying to turn off the lights!

I'll sic the dogs on ya.

Go on, get 'em! Let me go! I'm the President.

I'm your commander in chief.

It is the President!

Oh, excuse us, sir! I guess the guy we want is still in there. Come on!

I'm the guy they want. Let's get out of here.

Out the door!

Maybe he's headed for the main gate.

Look in that window over there!

Oh, come on, honey. They'll never look for us in here.

Over in the back yard.

-Wonder where he went. -I don't know.

-Come on. -Down this way.

Hello, Mrs. Deadhead.

Oh.

Oh, I like that.

Oh, honey...

When I kiss you, I go into orbit.

Oh!

Deadhead, darling Deadhead.

You did it again.

Look what I made.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I know you are a nut.

-I think they're nice. -Oh, you be quiet.

You're nothing but an enlisted jailbird.

-I was only tryin'... -Admiral, he was only trying...

I'm going to write an order.

Give me one of those pens.

These pens?

Those pens!

But General, my advice to you...

I'd listen to the him, Rufus.

What listen? All he said was, "But General, my advice to you..."

-Yes, but it's the way he said it. -I demand one of those pens.

Hmph.

Guard!

But General!

What kind of pens are those?

I'll sic the dogs on ya.