Original subtitles

(gong clangs)

(upbeat music)

'Morning.

'Morning, Mr. Hedges.

Hello, dear.

(upbeat music)

Morning, Price.

Do you know "The March to the Scaffold" by Berlioz?

Oh, yes, yes, I think I might.

Erm...

(humming)

Aye, that's it.

Well, when he wrote that he must have been thinking

of the first day of term at Fenn Street bloody School.

I don't understand you, Price.

I regard the first day of term

as one of the peaks of my career.

Then you've got your graph upside down!

(bell dings)

(upbeat music)

You see, the kids around here, Price,

haven't had much of a chance, you see.

(bell dings)

But if we care,

I mean, if we commit ourselves

and if one kid responds, that's all it takes.

One child and our job is worthwhile.

A child inarticulate, maybe,

but inside desperately trying to express himself.

Oh!

Get knotted!

(upbeat music)

Excited, Doris?

You might say that I changed gear simultaneously.

Strange, I didn't feel your hand on the lever.

(upbeat music)

[Price] Hello, Smithy.

The heady wine of youth, eh, Price?

Ah.

With a bouquet like an open sewer.

He's not my uncle, Mum, he's your fancy man

and if he's still here tonight, I'm not coming in!

[Eric] Ta-ta, Mum, me old darling!

Oh, Eric!

Aye?

What?

Hey, I'll tell you what, ma'am,

you ain't half putting on weight.

(upbeat music)

Hi, luv!

Oh!

(upbeat music)

God be with you, Maureen.

Monsignor Saltworth.

Hello, Den.

God be with you.

When?

Oh, come on, Den.

You want to buy a bun or something?

Yeah, neat!

(drum rolling)

You look as if you've been pulled through edge backward.

Oh, Mum, you said I could see myself to the lollipop man

- when I got into big form. - Yes, yes.

When Mummy's legs finally get on top of her,

I said, Frankie.

It's all right, Mrs. Abbott,

I'll see your little soldier across the road.

Oh, ta, dear.

Bye, then, my little darling.

Oh, get off!

Little Frankie!

(all chattering)

(upbeat music)

(brakes screeching)

(kids chattering)

(upbeat music)

You'll do what, show horse?

Tiny tots crossing it says here, mush.

Tiny tots...

Her, this is mine!

Hey!

(upbeat music)

Here, now then...

(upbeat music)

("All Things Bright and Beautiful")

♪ All things bright and beautiful ♪

♪ All creatures great and small ♪

♪ All things wise and wonderful ♪

♪ The lord God made them all ♪

♪ The cold wind in the winter ♪

♪ The pleasant summer sun ♪

♪ The ripe fruits in the garden ♪

♪ He made them every one ♪

♪ All things bright and beautiful ♪

♪ All creatures great and small ♪

♪ All things wise and wonderful ♪

♪ The lord God made them all ♪

♪ Amen ♪

Welcome back, boys and girls.

(students clamouring)

Thank you.

Now, what exciting things have we got in store for you

this term, eh?

I'm sure I dunno.

Do tell!

(students laughing)

Once again, a party from Fenn Street will be going

for two wizard weeks to a rural centre.

Now, what do you think about that?

What a load of rubbish!

[Students] What a load of rubbish!

What a load of rubbish!

What a load of rubbish!

(radio playing groovy music)

Mr. Hedges!

Your class!

[Students] What a load of rubbish!

What a load of rubbish!

(students clamouring)

Damned ignorant youth, that's what you are!

Damned red shirts!

Wait till your body's been cascaded with shrapnel

like mine was, you know, then you can jostle me.

Until then, don't make a monkey out of a desert rat!

(pails crash)

Gah!

(students laughing)

(students chattering excitedly)

(door thuds shut)

Sit!

Up straight!

Well, Duffy?

That's right.

(student snickers)

What was all that about?

Oh, I dunno why you should ask me, chief.

I mean, I'm the quiet,

introspective child of the class, ain't I?

You're about as quiet and introspective

as Baby Face Nelson.

Oh, he's in 3B, isn't he?

Sharon!

What were you doing in assembly this morning?

Abbott!

What?

Oh, nothing.

I was having a smoke in the lavs.

[Eric] Oh, sweet cigarettes!

Ah, I'm on a pipe these days.

(pipe clatters)

Hey!

Now, come on, boy.

Now, what was the meaning

of that singing in assembly this morning?

Well...

It was like another way of saying things.

Like a semaphore.

Er, metaphor, you mean.

See?

It like doth behove unto birds,

all manner of fish, of course, er...

Oh, frogs?

Croak, croak.

Them.

And of course, them creatures which do slither

or just sit there and smell.

Like flowers.

Maureen, what an earth are you talking about?

What we sang.

"All Things Bright and Beautiful."

Don't be stupid, Maureen.

I'm referring to the riot which followed

the headmaster's announcement about camp.

(Maureen sobbing)

That's it.

Go on, take advantage of a woman.

That's men all over, that is.

Well, nearly.

Gah!

Sharon, Maureen is the last girl in the world

I would take advantage of.

(Maureen crying)

Er, of whom I would take advantage.

(Maureen crying)

Yeah, well you never had a sit opposite Ralph Drover

at breakfast morning, did you?

Pardon?

Big rotten, fat, horrible piggy slob he is!

(stammers) Just a minute.

Who is Ralph Drover?

It's private.

Ah.

I'll never call him uncle,

whether Mum wants me to or not!

Right.

Oh, er, yes.

Erm...

Good, good.

Erm, yes, well, I'm sorry about Ralph Drover, Sharon,

and I'm sorry for shouting at you, Maureen.

That's all right, sir.

Er, but the point is...

It takes a Christian man to apologise.

Christian, yes.

Yes, yes, indeed, Maureen.

Er, the point is...

One who really loves his fellow men.

Er, if...

Or woman.

Or indeed, woman, yes, yes.

Now, the point is I will not to be sidetracked, Maureen,

so let's just get back to what I was talking about,

shall we?

Erm, now, er...

What was I, er, talking about?

Frogs.

Don't you remember?

- Croak, croak. - That's right!

(all clamouring)

You mean our little prank in assembly.

Yes.

Yes, indeed, er, Craven.

You astonish me, 5C, you really do.

I would have thought you'd have jumped at the chance

of two weeks in the country.

Jump?

We don't even get a chance to even bloody hop, do we?

Yeah!

What do you mean?

Ah, there's been a school camp every year, innit?

Only we haven't been allowed to go on one of 'em.

Not allowed?

- Yeah. - Yeah!

[All] Not allowed.

Is this true?

- Of course it is! - Yeah!

Honestly, sir.

That's not fair, is it?

[Eric] Right!

I mean, that is unjust.

Yeah!

They're making an example of my class, huh?

I'm not standing for this.

[Eric] Good for you, sir!

We'll see about this, we most certainly will.

Yeah, all right!

(students chattering)

(playful music)

But Maurice,

you promised you'd try to come to camp this year.

I know I did, Doris, but, oh!

Oh, look how beautifully Norman has laid us all out.

It's your compliments, sir, that get me through the day.

Oh, get on.

And last year.

You promised last year and the year before.

We've never been away together.

Er, to camp.

Tell you what, I'll pop down for the weekend

and surprise you in your quarters.

Oh, Maurice!

(Maurice laughs)

Allow me, sir.

Thank you.

Now, sir.

Lozenges, if you need them, sir.

Oh, how splendid, thank you.

Not at all.

Mr. Smith, Geography.

Mr. Price, Science.

Miss Cutforth, Art and Housework.

Domestic Science.

Now, then, sit down, chaps.

The meeting is convened.

What's he doing here?

In answer to that question, Mr. Chairman,

I would like to point out that it was me

who laid out all the papers and pencils.

And if further proof is needed, sir,

I roneoed all those pro formas for the parents, sir.

You're just nosy.

No, I am not!

Yes, you are.

Silence!

Silence!

Headmaster.

Oh, thank you, Doris, yes.

Er, the school camp will take place this year

on the, er...

The...

The 29th of next month.

We shall be sending a party of some, er...

Some, er...

Children, sir?

Well done, Norman.

Yes, they will be children,

but I was thinking of the numbers.

(door bangs open)

The party will comprise of 35 children.

Didn't you leave out the word privileged, Miss Ewell?

Aye-aye!

Would you burst into the United Nations like that?

Oh, make the tea, Potter.

Did you hear that, sir?

Splendid, yes.

Three lumps, please, Norman.

Certainly, sir.

Coming up tout de suite, sir. (laughs)

Mr. Hedges, if you have something to say,

albeit uninvited,

would you kindly say it briefly

and without recourse to your usual emotive language.

I'm quite calm, I assure you.

How many of you were ever dragged up in a concrete canyon?

You've never had to stick your shoes together

with chewing gum, have you, sir?

And, and you, Miss Ewell,

you've always been able to roll in the grass

when you've wanted to, haven't you?

(glass clinks)

Mr. Hedges,

before this outburst becomes a filibuster,

are you simply asking why 5C aren't allowed to go to camp?

No, I am asking you why 5C are not

allowed to go to the camp.

Yes, yes.

I'll tell you.

If their behaviour were as anarchic in the country

as it is in your concrete canyons,

I doubt very much that any party from Fenn Street

would ever be allowed to go again.

All right, I'll admit they can be a little difficult.

But aren't these the very kids

who should be given a chance to respond

to a healthier environment?

Hear, hear!

But let's be hon...

Sorry. (chuckles)

But let's be honest.

They don't get a chance

because it's too much trouble

for the teachers who are going with them.

I think Mr. Hedges may have a point.

Oh, yes, he's got a point, yes.

Oh, no.

Not 5C, please.

Are we, in fact, shirking our responsibilities?

Oh, shirking is anathema to me, Doris.

Then have a lozenge, sir.

Oh, splendid, thank you, Norman.

Mr. Hedges is right.

They should at least be given the chance.

Thank you very much, Doris.

That, then, is my decision.

Headmaster.

Mm-hmm?

[Doris] Headmaster...

I thought you were wonderful.

(bell ringing)

Right.

Thanks very much.

Happy now, are you?

Satisfied?

Very.

Thank you, Price.

Ah, you would be.

You've just got shot of 5C for two weeks.

[Doris] Mr. Hedges.

Yes?

There's one condition attendant on 5C

being allowed to go to camp.

If they go,

you go with them.

Oh well, that's marvellous, Miss Ewell, I...

Well, I'd be, I'd be very honoured. (laughs)

You would?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Well, that's settled, then.

(gentle music)

(bright music)

[Miss Cutforth] Goodbye, girls.

[Student] 'Bye, miss.

(playful music)

Sorry, I thought you'd gone.

Er, well, that you weren't here.

Well, that nobody was here, in fact.

You remember when the giant Ursus wrestled that bull

in "Quo Vadis?"

Yes, yes, er, er...

Maxy Baer in the film, I think.

(laughs) You reminded me of him

when you crushed Miss Ewell today.

No, no, er, Buddy Baer, er, it was, in fact.

Yes.

I'm not women's lib, you know.

Ah.

Men should be in charge.

That's why I'm glad you're coming.

Where?

Camp.

Oh, yes.

(both laugh)

Right.

On our way home, are we?

Miss, Ewell, about "Quo Vadis," I...

One strips off layers at camp, Bernard.

It's the proximity.

Getting away from it all,

we shall really be able to get down to

the nitty gritty of each other, won't we?

Right.

Erm...

Well, my middle name is Hamilton.

When the children are in bed,

there's long, long evenings.

One has to fall back on one's own...

Yes, Ludo, Scrabble, that sort of thing.

(both laugh)

Devices.

[Dennis] Are you still here, sir?

- Sir? - Ah!

Oh, sir!

Dennis!

Duty calls.

Have you got another of them forms about the camp?

Ah, yes.

Yes, indeed, Dennis.

Now, you will have to get your mother or father

to sign this, of course.

Otherwise you won't be able to go.

All right.

Dennis, just a moment.

I gave you one already.

What did you do with it?

Well, there ain't any paper in the lavs.

(chuckles) Right.

Oh, go on, Mum!

Sign it?

You don't wanna go to no silly camp.

You'd rather stay at home with your own little Mumsie!

Oh, shut up!

I want to go!

I do!

But you're my little man of the house.

I mean, what would happen if Mummy had a fall?

I couldn't lift you anyway.

You're too fat.

Ah, bless him. (laughs)

(making gun noise)

Don't do that, my duck.

You know Dickie don't like it.

(Dickie chirping)

Don't half love you, Mummy.

Oh!

My little soldier!

Oh!

Oh, mwah!

Can I go, then?

I've told you.

You don't want to.

I do!

(water splashes)

(Dickie chirps)

Look at Mummy, Frankie.

Look at her!

If she was left alone in this house

with her stomach and her legs,

there's no knowing what might happen to her.

I'll burn your hair off!

There's none in there, dear.

Oh!

Wesley's going.

That Black boy?

Bloody cheek!

He's not robbing my little soldier of a place!

Where's Mummy's pen?

My God, they're in on everything these days!

(upbeat music)

Oil.

What do you think you're doing?

It's some form from the school, I'm signing it.

How many times will you be told?

I sign things in this house.

But you can't write, David!

Never mind can't write, that's not the point.

I sign things!

Reading glasses.

But you can't read, David.

You see that?

Was it addressed to me?

Yes.

Ah.

"Dear David."

"Mr. Dunstable.

(David groans)

Sorry, sorry.

Look, I have to get these changed, they

make my head ache.

Oh.

What's it say?

It's about some camp that they want Dennis to go to.

Bloody government!

And who's expected to pay?

Tell me that!

Oh, it says we can write off for a grant.

That's your answer to everything, isn't it?

Writing and reading.

(door clicks open)

Have you signed yet, Dad?

No, I haven't.

Oh, why?

Why?

Why?

I'll sign, then we can go out for a drink.

Give me that!

Don't you come here why-ing your father!

(chicks chirping)

Vermin!

You brought them vermin into the house again.

But they'll get drown-ded in the area if it rains.

You!

Oh, give me the little cows, son, give 'em here!

[Dennis] No!

I'm doing away with them!

No!

(bicycle crashes)

(metal sheet bangs)

Oh!

Fancy. (groans)

Okay, crud, this is where you get yours.

(making gun sounds)

Missed!

Ivanhoe never misses.

You're dead.

I ain't playing, I'm going in.

Oh, don't go, Cliffy!

You can borrow your gun back if you'll be the enemy.

Here, General, you seen Eric?

Oh, hello, Peter.

Yeah, he's indoors.

You fool, you.

Oh, I weren't playing with 'em.

Cor blimey, I was just showing 'em.

(Maureen tuts)

(stammers) Wait, where you going?

What we doing?

(helmet clatters)

(bright music playing)

Hello, Mrs. D.

Oh, hello, dear.

Hello.

- Hello. - Where's Eric?

Eric's in the front room, watching the telly.

- Cheers, Mrs. D. - Hello, Mrs. Duffy.

(bright music playing)

Cough, cough.

Watching the telly, aren't we, eh? (laughs)

What's this, then?

Fact-finding tour?

What do you want?

It's Dan, innit.

Usual trouble.

Oh, blimey, not your old man again.

Yeah.

Rotten bully won't let him come to camp.

And he tried to Kill Martin and his three wives.

Who?

My chicks.

Look.

(chicks chirping)

- Aw! - Aw!

Aren't they lovely, eh?

Blimey, what is the matter with your old man, eh?

Here, you had any dinner, Den?

Oh, no, Eric.

Mum!

Mum!

Well, not now, dear.

I'm just doing Dennis some egg and chips.

Oh, neat!

Well, I think my idea is better.

- Oh, shut up. - Oh, belt up.

You sure Den's folks will fall for it, El?

Yeah, why not?

Den often stays round here.

Why not for two weeks?

But I want to go to camp, Eric.

Pretend, Dennis.

Eh?

Yeah, look, we tell your old man you're kipping here,

but really you're down at camp with us, right?

Oh, yeah!

Here, got the form, Den?

[Dennis] Mm.

Great.

Now, who do we get to forge Mr. Dunstable's signature?

Well, it's easy, innit...

None of us can do it.

I mean, Privet knows our writing, don't he?

Yeah.

We'll have to get some stupid berk to do it for us.

(upbeat music)

Oh, lovely!

Just the right contingency.

(upbeat music)

(laughing) Oi, Potter, you're leaking!

(all chattering)

(upbeat music)

All right.

The experiment has worked with us,

but that's just kids, innit?

But I still maintain we could get more significant results

with a mature, intelligent adult.

You mean like one of the teachers?

I said intelligent, Den.

What's going on, then, eh?

What've you got there?

Oh, it's just some thesis by this Russian doctor

on handwriting.

Reckons you can tell character from it.

Oh, yes.

Yes, phrenology, that's called, you know.

Blimey, he's right, El.

Here, do you reckon Uncle Norman's the person

we're looking for?

Oh, he is, he is.

Oh, yes, he is.

Yeah, well,

I'm not a dupe, you know.

I've out-duped gout.

Well, look, just write your name down.

- Yeah, there you are. - I see.

Wait a minute.

(train chugging nearby)

I'll, er, use my own pen if you don't mind.

Right, Norman Escoth...

(Eric snickers)

Potter.

There.

Blimey, we've come across a right phenomenon here, EL.

Oh, not much, mate!

Well, look, according to this,

that handwriting denotes a high intelligence,

a super-human bravery,

artistic flair, er, extraordinary virility,

inborn leadership.

And a good runner.

Yeah, and outstanding athletic prowess.

Ah!

That's uncanny, that, you know, lads.

That's me to a T, that.

- That's fantastic. - Oh, it's awful neat.

- Aye, done well. - Cor blimey.

What about the crosscheck?

The Crosscheck!

Here, what have I got do then?

What have I got to do?

Yeah, well, this time you don't write your own name.

Ah, I see.

Er, my address?

No, no, it has to be a name.

Only one you ain't used to.

Den's dad, for example.

Yeah.

David Dunstable.

Ah!

Yes, I take the point, you see.

Because I'm not used to signing that.

You understand?

Yeah.

Right.

So, David Dunstable.

There we are.

Oh, well, that bears out the whole thesis, mate.

Everything checks.

- Incredible. - Great.

Can't believe it.

I'm not just a flash in the pan, you know. (laughs)

(pail crashes)

Good.

Thank you, Wesley.

Right, fine.

Dennis.

I'm very glad you're coming with us.

Oh, sir, help!

Quick!

What is it, Sharon?

Oh, it's huge!

It's utterly horrible!

Don't be silly, Shannon, there's nothing to...

Spider, watch it!

Watch it.

(Hedges stomps)

[Student] Oh, hey, hey, hey!

(students laugh)

Oh, blimey!

A hundred lines, Feisal.

"I will not frighten my teacher with toy spiders."

Erm, as you were, "fellow pupils.”

"Frighten my fellow pupils.”

(students laughing)

All right, all right.

Good.

Now, Dennis.

Sir!

Sir, sir!

All right, all right, a little less tic-tack, Maureen.

Good.

Thank you, Maureen.

Old Frank's old lady cracked under pressure.

Oh, yes?

What do you do, use thumbscrews or just look at her?

(paper rustling)

What is this, Abbott?

Oh!

Er, that's washing up liquid.

Mm-hmm.

Er, that's chocolate.

Oh, yes, yes.

And that's jam.

And that's the palm of my hand.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

(students laughing)

I bet the thought of going away with us for two weeks

is like lifting up thine heart, isn't it, sir?

Well, just so long as I don't have a coronary, Maureen.

(Hedges laughs)

How do you mean, sir?

Erm...

Well, coronary, heart.

Just, just a little joke,

that's all. (laughs)

Hm.

Oh!

(all fake laughing)

(all chattering excitedly)

We're about an hour late as it is!

Oh, leave me alone!

Go away, will you?

Hang on a minute!

Get in the line, you!

Now, hang on, then.

All right, go on, get it now, then.

Oh, I see you brought a change of underwear, then, Smithy?

It's the collapsible dinghy that's taking up the room.

Are we boarding yet?

Nah, we're still waiting for

the regimental sergeant monster to finish his inspection.

Oh.

Come on, then.

To me.

All right.

(bus revs)

Get your...

All right.

Come on, then, to me.

(bus rumbling)

Stop!

All right, come on!

Everybody on.

What are you waiting for?

Come on, come on.

In you go, come on.

Move along.

[Norman] Come on, come on.

Right down the back, will you?

Eva, get off the luggage rack, will you, please?

Feisal, just a minute.

What have you got there?

My prayer mat.

Oh, I see.

Right.

Off you go.

In you go.

Come on, yes, off you go.

First time I've been on safari

without having to carry the white master's bags.

Bwana Mkubwa says watch it, Wesley.

Abbott, where's Abbott?

Come on, Abbott!

Yeah, all right, Mum.

His Mummy's hanging on to his little pandy

until the last minute, Mr. Hedges.

Yes, well, it is the last minute, Mrs. Abbott.

I'm glad Miss Cutforth isn't coming on our coach, sir.

I thought she looked quite grotesque in that dress,

didn't you?

Yes.

Erm, just find yourself a seat, would you, Maureen?

(girl shrieks)

Stop that, Craven, will you, please?

There's plenty of time for that later on.

(students cheer)

No, no, I just,

just stop it!

Now, Mrs. Abbott, if, er,

unless you intend to run along by the side of the coach,

you will have to let go of Frankie's pandy.

Yeah.

Shut up or I'll kick you varicose veins.

Veins!

Oh, what a little mind he's got in him, bless him. (laughs)

Yes, he has got a little mind, Mrs. Abbott.

Erm, can I have him now?

Oh, bye-bye, my little soldier.

Get off!

Mm!

Oh, don't forget Mr. Teddy!

Ah!

Oh, I say!

One vital thing, Mr. Hedges.

Now, you promise to make him do his number twos every day.

If I have to give him the sanipods myself.

Yes.

Now, come along.

We're an hour late as it is.

Mr. Hedges, please!

That's quite enough of that sort of thing for one day,

thank you.

Right, on you get.

Off we go.

There we are.

Good.

Right!

We're all ready, Price!

Same here, God help us.

(students cheering)

Right.

All right, away all!

Come on, that's it.

(bus horn honks)

(buses rumbling)

Oh!

Hey!

What's doing?

(sobs) They had to do away with my fallopians

after I gave birth to my little Frankie, you know.

Kept jumping on the pram, did they?

You're raving mad, you are.

(upbeat pop music)

Hey, oh.

Eh? What?

- Oh, blimey! - You got anything to eat?

Here.

Oh, ta!

Here, Feis, I'm gonna feed my chicks.

Look.

Oh, look at that one!

Yeah, look, that's Martin, that one.

And that one over there is Eva.

They ain't half looking forward to going to the country.

Aren't ya?

(upbeat pop music)

Here.

About time for the old prayer mat innit, Feis, eh?

(Feisal praying)

(students cheering)

(Feisal praying)

(students cheering)

(Feisal praying)

No wonder we're two hours late, is it, eh?

Stop, start, stop start!

If it ain't piddling, it's praying!

Language!

Well

I've got an ulcer, you know!

Oh, doesn't he go utterly on and on?

Yeah.

Shut your mouth and give your brains a chance, sunshine!

Craven.

Here, we ought to get Wesley to put some

voodoo spill on him, eh?

(Peter laughs)

Well, I'm sure Duffy intended no ethnic malice, Wesley.

Wesley?

Where's Wesley?

Where's Wesley?

(cars rumbling)

Er, can you give me a lift, miss?

Yes, get in.

Ta.

Would you stop this coach, please?

We've left a boy behind.

This is single lane traffic.

If I stop the coach, how can anyone else pass?

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to insist.

(tyres screech)

Will you stop falling about when I'm driving?

(tyres screeching)

(police siren blaring)

Satisfied?

Well, fine teacher he must be,

leaving you behind and not even noticing.

Oh, he's all right.

To most of us.

What do you mean?

You know, the white ones.

Now, look here, the whole thing...

(all bickering)

It's really not my fault.

The driver was driving along...

Mr. Hedges, please let me explain.

Well, all right.

Oi, stop police brutality!

Can't you take a joke?

Fat-nosed bullies!

Lucky for you I was in a good mood, fuzz.

What did he call you?

Jungle bunny!

Oh!

Oh.

I don't think he hates us for being Black.

It's just that he doesn't reckon us very much.

Well, I don't know how you can be so generous.

You have to.

I mean, he's our landlord and all that.

How many in your house?

Only six.

Er, families.

Oh, there they are!

Now, come on, Feisal, get back in the coach.

No, no, I must pray to my god!

Oh, don't give me that.

Now, look, I saw you in assembly singing hymns this morning.

Come on.

Where the hell have you been?

Er, no, don't hit me, boss, please!

Please don't hit me, boss!

(students cheering)

(truck rumbling)

I'd, er...

I'd like to thank you for...

Would you mind not leaning on my bonnet?

Sorry. (chuckles)

I'm very grateful.

Take your hand off my window.

Pardon.

You make me ashamed to be English, you do!

Look, I'm not trying to pick you up, you know.

Surprise, surprise!

Blonde, Anglo-Saxon, don't I qualify?

Yes, of course you do.

You're very attractive.

And what if I was a Masai woman sitting in this car?

Well, I'd probably round up a few cows

and call on your father.

You racist!

Mr. Hedges!

Look, I'm as, er,

I'm as confused as you seem to be.

Let me get in the car for a second.

No, thank you, mister grand wizard.

Mr. Hedges, stop that!

No, I'm determined to get into this car and have it out.

Mr. Hedges, I'm beginning to believe

you are like a moth in the flame of carnality.

Trevor Huddleston was right about people like you.

Swine!

(car rumbling)

Miss Ewell, do you think she's one of those girls

who's had an unfortunate experience?

Nearly.

All right, come, everybody, on the coach.

On again.

(bus revving)

After you, Miss Ewell.

(bottle shatters)

(playful music)

(gentle music)

(bottle clinks)

(gentle music)

Welcome to "Stalag 17," Vaughn.

(knocking at door)

Have they arrived yet?

Huh?

Ah, no.

Perhaps they've been hijacked.

They're probably on their way to Cuba by now.

(door clicks shut)

Ah!

Lis, er...

Is this.

Bernard's bed?

Yes.

It's the hard one.

I, erm...

I suppose you'll be going out

quite a lot in the evenings, eh, Pricey?

Oh, aye, provided I can drug the guard dogs,

get past the searchlights and machine guns.

I say, Price, I...

Oh!

Get your feet on the floor, woman!

You'll have us all in solitary.

Let joy be unconfined!

The other coach has arrived.

Oh, good.

All right.

Quickly.

Quickly, come on, Peter.

Gah, it ain't exactly humming with nightlife, is it, eh?

So that's fresh air?

(Peter coughs)

All right, Craven, come on.

All right, boys and girls, now look.

Get your luggage sorted out.

We'll get you settled in,

then it's supper and straight to bed.

I'll give you a hand, Bernard.

You may give the girls a hand, Miss Cutforth.

[Bernard] All right, boys, this way.

Come along, girls, follow me.

[Bernard] Come on, boys, follow me.

Bed at this time of night?

I wouldn't have come if I'd have known

we're gonna be treated like kids.

No.

Eva!

I said this way.

[Boys] Boo!

(gentle music)

(girls chattering)

Maur?

Shh!

[Sharon] Maur!

Amen.

What?

Do you think I'm losing my looks?

Oh, well, beauty is but like the wine within the bottle.

It's like, internal.

Yeah.

But am I?

What are you talking about?

I just noticed my first wrinkle.

Where?

There, look.

That's not a wrinkle.

That's an eyelash.

Oh, thank goodness for that!

(both laugh)

Come along, girls.

(girls giggling)

Come along!

In bed, lights out.

Yes, Miss Ewell does wear rollers.

Goodnight.

[Girls] Goodnight, miss.

(girls laughing)

Mind you,

must be awful being old.

Hmm.

Shar?

[Sharon] Mm-hmm?

What you thinking about?

My Eric.

What are you thinking about?

Sir.

Bernard.

(Sharon laughs)

(both laughing)

(light clicks off)

(door creaking)

(light clicks on)

Oh.

Just popping over to see if

Mr. Hedges has his timetable for tomorrow. (laughs)

To bed, Miss Cutforth!

(boys clamouring)

Will you shut up, everybody?

Will you all be...

Raquel Welch!

What? Where?

Where?

What's going on here?

Having a little game with Frankie and his teddy bear.

(boys laughing)

Yes, well, give Frankie his little teddy bear

and all get into bed, come on.

(boys groaning)

Don't you, er...

Don't you think you're a bit old for this, Frankie?

Oh, don't be fooled by them kids.

Ain't a toy.

No?

It's a mascot.

Oh, I see.

God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy

and God bless my kind teacher for looking after me

and my fellow pupils.

Craven.

One more, Chief.

Go on, Christopher Robin.

Please, God, make the number three dog come up

at Catford tomorrow night.

Say goodnight, Craven.

Goodnight, Craven.

Ooh!

Just a minute, where's Dennis?

Having a breath of fresh air, I think, Chief.

You're not smoking, are you, Duffy?

No.

No?

Oh, fancy that.

Yeah.

Here, put your foot on that, will you, Chief?

Yeah.

Sorry. (laughs)

Goodnight, then, lads.

- 'Night! - Goodnight.

(light clicks off)

(door bangs shut)

(owl hooting in distance)

Dark in the country, innit, El?

Eric?

You there, Eric?

Oo-oo-ooh!

Ah, don't muck about, El!

Oh, shut up, then.

Mummy.

Peter!

[Peter] What?

Hiya, Peter.

Ah!

Do shut up.

Dennis?

[Dennis] Yeah?

Dennis, it's nearly quarter to...

(mud squelches)

What are you doing out here, Dennis?

Listen.

Er, sorry, no, I can't hear anything.

No.

Neat, innit?

Yes.

It's dead neat, Dennis.

Come on.

Bedtime.

Oh, all right.

Here, sir?

Yes, Dennis?

If I find a snake, can I keep it?

Snakes?

There wouldn't be any snakes in the camp, er,

would there, Dennis?

Well, there might be.

Hiss, hiss.

(laughs) Right.

(door thuds shut)

(chair thuds)

[Boy] Could you lot make any less noise in there?

Go to sleep!

Right.

Our two amazons are bedded down,

Smithy is writing one of his interminable letters to Madge,

so you and me, boyo, we are away.

Away?

Where?

Now, listen, Price...

Yes, listen, now, look,

what if the hut catches fire?

I mean, what if, er,

what if somebody wets the bed?

Well, it would put the fire out, wouldn't it? (laughs)

Hello.

A muffin, as you English would say.

Two halves, please, luv.

Hello, little Hitler.

What's going on?

It's the Madwoman of Chaillot again.

If I was my father, I'd take you outside!

Well, go on, boyo, take her up on it anyway.

Certainly not.

She's unhinged.

Well, do you mind if I take her up on it then?

Be my guest.

And you needn't whisper.

No.

Come on, boyo, let's have all the unspeakable detail.

Well, she...

(boys chattering)

Just a minute.

If they tell me they've been sleepwalking...

[Eric] Oi!

You're supposed to be in bed!

You just don't respond to trust, do you?

Now, what would you think of me if I went out boozing

on the first night of camp?

You are, aren't you?

I, I was

simply through there

because I thought something like this might happen.

- Oh. - Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

If I expected this of you, Duffy.

Oh, thanks a bundle.

But you, Wesley.

You don't even drink.

I could hit you over a head with this.

Stop that!

You mind your own business!

Now, get back to camp and pray that my patience lasts.

Because if it doesn't,

you'll go straight back to where you came from.

(boys groan)

Just a minute!

What's that man's name?

Hedges. Why?

Because I intend to report him to the authorities

as soon as possible.

I'm not going to stand by

and see this boy persecuted any longer.

Persecuted?

By Privet?

He couldn't persecute a pudding.

Here, Wes, what you been up to?

Well, er, a few white lies.

Helped to pass the time, didn't it, miss?

Yes.

And miss has ended up looking a right clown.

I think you'd better tell miss the truth

before I hit you over the head.

I dunno, you can't have a bloody drink now

without getting locked out.

Now, look here, Price.

Eh?

I'm not going to sleep out here in the woods.

No?

I'm going to go over the top.

Oh, splendid.

(Bernard rubbing palms)

One, two, three, four.

(Bernard coughs)

(dog barking in distance)

Underneath, I think.

Yes.

[Price] What?

I'll never get through there!

[Bernard] Just come on, Price, come on.

Oh, God.

(Price groaning)

Oh, God.

I've done some things for a drink in my time,

but this takes the biscuit.

Price,

I, I wonder what that girl's got against me.

Well, as long as it doesn't become a court case,

you shouldn't worry.

Go on.

Come on, then, my son.

Oh, bugger.

Let's get out of here.

(Price muttering)

Price?

Eh?

Here we are.

Oh, that was quick.

Are you sure?

Watch this.

(chickens clucking)

[Price] Oh, it's dark in here, isn't it?

That's funny.

Is it...

Something not quite right here, Price, eh?

(object clatters)

(chickens fluttering)

Good evening.

Mr. Hedges!

(chickens clucking)

A singularly inauspicious beginning.

As camp warden, it's my job to ensure

that the rules here are obeyed.

Between you, you've managed to break nearly all of them

on your first night.

Now, this is not vindictiveness.

Just because your boys walked all over my cucumbers

and your bigger boys set my chickens broody,

if there's any more of this sort of behaviour,

I shall be obliged to send you all packing.

Goodnight.

Miss Ewell.

Miss Ewell, I feel rather responsible for this.

You are.

Right.

I have nothing more to say.

Good.

Except that the C in 5C seems to stand for catastrophe.

And at the risk of mixing my metaphors,

if socks aren't pulled up, heads will roll.

Oh, don't you worry, Miss Ewell.

Starting from tomorrow, the C in 5C will stand for

something quite different.

Oh, yes.

It will stand for...

Erm...

Triumph.

That's what it will stand for.

Right, lads?

Right!

(playful music)

(birds chirping)

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

(door thuds shut)

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning!

(door bangs shut)

Good morning.

Chickens all right, are they?

(bottle clatters)

All right, lads, come on!

Hut inspection!

Everybody out of your...

You are out, good.

Er...

(laughs) Do you,

do you know where they are, by any chance?

No.

No, right, thank you.

(boys chattering)

(Bernard blowing whistle)

Right.

Now, lads, proficiency on this course

is one of the things that's really gonna get

the Fenn Street star-chart moving

and show the rest of the schools

just who's best 'round here, right?

Oh, goody-goody!

Oh, what jolly fun!

(Bernard laughs)

All right.

Seriously, lads, er, make an effort

and I think you really will benefit

from these next two weeks.

Gah, it's beginning to sound like two years.

What do we have to do, eh?

Well, I'll show you, shall I?

Er, stand back, would you?

I'll just show you exactly what you have to do with this.

Sorry.

That's all right.

Dennis?

Dennis, oh, Dennis, where have you been?

Well, I went out for a walk and this bloke stopped me.

What?

What did, what did he,

what did he say?

Did he touch you anywhere at all?

Give you sweets or anything, did he?

Well, no, but his wife gave me breakfast.

Her last baby arrived a month early, you know.

Gipsies, they are, and dinner.

Oh, I see.

Well, you really shouldn't go out into the woods...

And I helped her put cotton 'round her heather

and I learned how to milk a goat.

Ain't half neat down here, innit?

Yes.

Yes, very neat, Dennis.

Now, look, erm,

come on, join in with the rest of us

and do the best you can.

Well, what are you doing?

We're being waved that through the fence by little brahma.

Don't be silly, Craven, there's no little...

(Eric clicks tongue)

Yeah!

Go on, then.

No, no, I'm really,

I'm really not into...

Shall I, shall I go over?

Yeah, go on!

(Bernard clears throat)

(blows whistle)

All right, lads, erm,

now, er, carry on with what we were doing.

Erm, get used to the apparatus and, er,

be careful, right?

(laughs) Watch.

(birds chirping)

Hello.

Hello.

(boys exclaim and chatter)

Eric?

Yeah?

What are you doing?

Making the blood rush to me head, Den.

Feeding me brains.

Oh, I better do that.

I could do with some brains.

(yelling like Tarzan)

(crashing into leaves)

You see, it was that Wesley's fault.

He gave me the idea that you were

the London rep for the Ku Klux Klan. (laughs)

Er, why would he do that?

Well, because he likes you.

He said you could take a joke.

Oh?

Oh, well! (chuckles)

Well, yes, I can. (laughs)

Oh, yes.

But you didn't have to believe him, did you?

No.

No, I don't suppose you'll ever be able to forgive me,

will you?

No.

Er, yes, yes, I could.

Well, I do.

I do, in fact.

Yes.

Look, erm...

I don't, I don't suppose...

I mean, well, I don't,

I don't suppose we could, we could...

Oh, I should think so.

Right!

Good.

"Right, good" what?

Pardon?

When?

Oh! (laughs)

Well, erm, I'd, er,

I'd like to take you to lunch.

Fine!

But I can't because I'm being kept in, you see.

Er, mind you, er, this evening... (laughs)

I mean, I don't suppose,

I mean, no.

I don't suppose that...

Lovely.

Right! (chuckles)

Sorry to rush you like this,

but I haven't got a lot of time, you see.

Rush me?

One, two, three, leap!

One, two, three, leap!

One, two, three, leap!

(birds chirping)

Oh, yeah, I like that.

Double cubist, that is, mate.

I dunno, I think, er,

bolder strokes would serve young Leonardo rather well.

They can't paint for toffee nuts, can they?

I dunno.

They'd be all right at the white lines

in the middle of the road.

Ha!

(boys laughing)

Oh, blimey, here comes the Bolshoi Ballet!

Woo, Charlie's, Den!

(boys laughing)

Go on, Ang, have a good knees up!

I shall report you to Mr. Hedges.

(boy wolf-whistles)

Oh, go and get your nappy changed!

(easel crashes)

Follow me, girls.

(easels crashing)

Silly little cows!

Eh, pardon?

Pardon?

Look, it's people of your type

that spoil it for the rest of us.

Strong him, El, strong him.

You want to watch your language, sunshine.

You don't frighten me, you know.

Yeah?

Well, put one on there, then.

Go on.

Go on. (whistle blowing)

All right, all right!

Stop there, Duffy.

Oh, it's these rough boys, sir,

they've been bullying us.

Oh, yes?

Go on, neutral corner.

Come on.

Ah!

Well?

They started it, sir.

Don't tell tales.

I think you might look after your equipment

a bit better than this, don't you?

(brush clatters)

Huh!

(whistle blows)

All right, lads.

Now, I'm going to show you

the way around this obstacle course,

starting with the wall.

(birds chirping)

Erm, this is where we see whether all that soft living

and smoking in London has really taken it's toll of you.

Right, watch me, will you?

(birds chirping)

(body thuds)

(boys laughing)

Well done!

Quite!

[Boy] Oh, no.

[Eric] Oh, do it again.

Just look at it.

Look at it.

Not now, my darling.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Ewell.

I am writing to my dear wife, Madge.

This is hardly the time for domestic tittle-tattle.

She sent you her kindest regards, Miss Ewell.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Please inquire after her palpitations for me,

I'm so concerned.

One doesn't expect Fenn Street to be leading the field,

but with 5C here, we hardly seem to have left the paddock.

Right, now then.

Having got back safely from our little nature ramble,

we will all show teacher what pretty little wildflowers

we have picked.

Right.

Where did you get those from, you little guttersnipes?

Out of my blooming garden!

That's where!

(papers rustling)

You've missed breakfast again.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to get this flaming hut in order

before Gestapo Reynolds comes in!

Oh, pardon me.

The wrong side, surely, Mr. Reynolds.

Minus.

(Miss Ewell tuts)

(piano playing)

(piano stops)

What was you saying, Den?

Oh, that Joe down at the gypsy camp

has given my chicks a good home and everything.

Oh, bless him.

He really loves it, don't he?

Do you mind?

You're well in down there, Den, ain't ya?

Yeah.

I think this is the bestest place I ever was.

Well, I'm glad you like it down here, Den.

Quite frankly, this camp bores the pants off of me.

(piano playing haltingly)

Here, Frankie,

I've be looking at your hands.

You know, I reckon they could well be

the hands of a werewolf.

[Sharon] Oh, yeah!

Evening, 5C.

Here, priv, what do you reckon on them hands?

Dirty. (laughs)

What are you...

What are you doing now, 5C?

Nothing!

Blimey, can't even be bored in peace here!

Well, there's the camp film show.

[Eric] We're barred, ain't we?

Oh, yes.

[Sharon] Where you going?

I'm going out with, erm...

Never you mind.

Out.

Not with that Miss Cutforth!

Certainly not. (chuckles)

Thank goodness for that.

So cheap, the way she throws herself at him.

Ooh!

All right, now, er,

don't forget, 5C,

early to bed, hmm?

And you, chief.

Goodnight, boys and girls.

[Students ] Goodnight, sir.

[5C] (mockingly) Goodnight sir!

Here, I probably am one!

Probably am one what?

What Peter said. (snarls)

A werewolf!

[Sharon] Run, Maur!

You know what they're like with girls.

Oh, yeah, they drag 'em off, up their belfries.

Yeah, get tarts up your belfry! (snarls)

(all exclaiming)

(Frankie snarling)

(table crashes)

(felt rips)

(piano strikes note)

(player screams)

Hello.

Hello.

Thanks for picking me up.

I thought I'd better get you past the guard room.

No, it's all right tonight.

Mr. Hedges!

No it isn't.

Yes?

A werewolf has gone berserk in the recreation room.

Would you kindly attend to him?

Right.

Excuse me.

Werewolf.

Utterly sadistic, isn't it,

making us do lines on our holidays.

Yeah.

This is not a holiday, Sharon,

certainly not for me.

Well, how do you spell misdemeanour, then?

Easy.

M-I-double S-D-double E, erm...

M-I-double S-D-double E...

It's on the board!

[Frankie] It's on the board, innit?

Shut up!

- Table tennis? - No!

That's telling her!

Hm! Trollop!

Cheer up, chief.

There'll be other times.

Yes.

Yes, the way your lot are carrying on,

they seem like an eternity.

All right, go on, clear off to supper.

(students cheering)

(upbeat pop music)

Get your eyeful, tiddler!

You wanna fight?

[Eric] Eh?

Where's your mummy, then, eh?

You're pretty.

Here!

Oi, oi, oi, oi!

Watch the mouth, small fry.

That's F.A.'s tot you're talking to.

Do you wanna fight?

(Eric laughs)

I don't fight kids.

Hey, do you always go around threatening people?

Yeah.

You're in prison, I'm not.

Hey, you ain't wrong there, mate.

Utterly outspoken, isn't he, Maur?

Mm.

Look at his poor little coat, though, eh?

[Sharon] Yeah.

I love her.

Here, he's at it again!

Oi, Nobbler!

Where you been?

I was waiting down the other end for you.

I was here.

Is he a mate of yours, then, Den?

Yeah, his name's Nobbler.

It's his mum and dad I go to see.

Oh.

Den says I'm coming to sup with you lot tonight.

Oh, can he, Eric?

Think he better or he'll beat us all up, eh?

Hey, come on, Nobbler,

let's sneak you out a couple of burgers.

(upbeat pop music)

(blowing whistle)

Now, pay attention, 5C,

because this is what being down here

is really all about, isn't it?

Look around you and take it all in, hm?

Ah.

Ah, just a...

Follow me, will you?

Look at this, 5C.

Now, where around Fenn Street would you see

a beautiful maple tree like this?

It's an oak tree.

Is it?

Yes, oak.

Oh, oak, oak tree.

Yes. (chuckles)

Shh.

(birds chirping)

Yes.

Yes, listen to that bird, 5C.

Now, men have waxed poetic about that bird

for hundreds of years

and now you can actually say you've heard it

with your own ears.

The skylark.

It's a redstart.

[Bernard] How do you know?

Because they live in the woods

and skylarks live in fields.

Yes, but I mean, one can be off course and, and...

Who are you?

Nobbler.

Oh.

How do you do?

He's my mate.

I met him down at the gypsy camp.

All right.

Well, Nobbler, you can come with,

is that really your name?

Do you wanna see a foxes oak with four little cubs in it?

Er, no, thank you, Nobbler,

we're doing trees at the moment.

Oh, yes!

Oh, please!

(all clamouring)

Oh, please, please!

All right.

All right, follow me, will you?

(all chattering)

This way, er, Nobbler.

Yes, follow Nobbler.

That's right.

(all chattering)

You should've seen them today, Miss Ewell,

interested in everything, well behaved.

But have you asked yourself why, Mr. Hedges?

I said all along, they'd respond to be sure,

and responded they have.

(bangs table)

Sorry.

I'll get you some more.

Poor deluded twit.

Huh?

(all chattering)

Did you enjoy yourself down there today, Den?

Oh, yeah, double neat.

Here, bark bark.

That's the fox, that is.

Do you wanna know how a cub goes?

Yeah.

(quietly) Bark, bark. (laughs)

Oh, blimey!

Bark, bark. (laughs)

You say something, you pasty-faced pillock?

Ignore him, Malcolm.

Would you pass the jam, please?

Oho!

[5C] "Ignore him, Malcolm!

"Would you pass the jam, please?" (laughs)

I'm sorry, Parsons, we seem to have run out.

Oh!

What a terrible shame, Malcolm.

Do have some of ours.

(jam squelches)

(5C laughing)

(all exclaiming)

I have never been so ashamed of my school!

Since the first minute you arrived,

you have behaved like little rotters and absolute cads!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Monosyllabic pop culture grunting is no answer, Duffy.

I don't know if you're aware of this,

but Mr. Hedges has put his head in a noose for your sakes.

♪ Tell me the old old story ♪

Nah, nah, schtum.

Hey, how come?

How come?

Do you mean "I beg your pardon?"

Yeah.

Then say it, sir!

I'll say it.

I beg your pardon.

I don't know if you are aware of this,

but if it were not for Mr. Hedges,

you would not be here at all.

Everyone else was against it.

And mark me well,

you were only allowed to come in the last analysis

because he agreed to accompany you.

We're all sinners!

If ever faith was repaid by treachery,

well, you are its grossest example!

(Smith scoffs)

(door slams)

Shall I run after him?

Slit his throat with a cheese worrier?

[All] Shut up!

♪ When this rotten camp is over ♪

♪ Oh, how happy I shall be ♪

♪ I will buy a new machine gun ♪

♪ And annihilate 5C ♪

Well, come on St. Francis,

let's have a defensive repost

for all your little animals.

(Price laughs)

Yeah, what's the matter with you?

You're not much fun, you know,

when you give in like the rest of us!

Price!

Price, come and look.

Oh, I don't know about that, boyo.

What's going on, then?

New leaf.

Watch them.

Watch them.

Why?

Well, 'cause Whiffy Smithy says we couldn't have come

if you hadn't 'a brung us.

Duffy.

What Den said.

Good.

Right, right.

(door thuds shut)

(all chattering)

Come on out, lads.

Come on, now, then.

Half a bar.

Same rate tomorrow

if you get the place looking as nice again, right?

Right, you're on, mate.

Great!

(all laughing and chattering)

Plus!

(gentle music)

(Sharon clears throat)

(gentle music)

Rape!

Rape!

Help! Rape!

Help! Rape!

Hey, I think we got a start at botany.

Yeah, and for plants, too.

- Come on. - Yeah.

(camera snaps)

Oh!

Oh! (laughs)

She'll want a life size enlargement for Cromwell.

Oh!

I wonder if Maurice would like an enlargement, Mr. Smith.

Oh, I'm sure he would, Miss Ewell.

This is rapidly becoming a historic occasion.

I would've thought stupefying was a better word.

(Miss Ewell laughs)

I think we might have a glass of sherry

and see our own stars. (laughs)

Blimey, this is historic.

(gentle music)

Action stations, men!

Here comes the fuzz!

Here, quick!

(playful music)

Well, what's this, then?

Fatigues?

No, Mr. Reynolds.

We just think it's only right that we should

try to keep the camp nice and tidy.

Oh, really?

Mm.

Excellent.

Well, keep up the good work.

Here, this is the Boulters hut, innit?

Yeah.

Yeah.

(all laughing)

Untidy lot, innit they?

Terrible.

(boys chattering)

Here, Maur!

Maur, watch!

Peter Bonetti, ain't I?

(ball thuds)

(boys cheering)

Silly fool!

Thought you was gonna go, Nobbler.

You're much better than he is.

Look, Nobbler, really I'm much too old for you.

I'm virtually a woman.

I don't care.

This is for you.

Oh!

What is it?

Frog spawn.

Oh.

How thoughtful.

Eric!

Eric!

Quick, it's them Boulters!

Boulters?

Where?

In your hut!

Come on!

(upbeat music)

(all chattering)

Blimey!

Here, you sure this was Boulters?

Positive.

I saw that boy running off.

You know, Maur, the one with the spots

who undresses you with his eyes.

Oh, I can't stand him!

He makes me feel as though bugs was crawling all over me!

Yeah, well never mind the character reference.

There's a punch-up in the offering, ain't there?

Yeah, I wonder how they'll eat their dinners out here

without any teeth!

Oh, typical.

Just as I was looking forward to a bundle,

I get a goitre trouble again.

- Yeah, yeah. - Typical.

Come on!

Hang on, but, we're up the creek here, aren't we?

We can't.

Well, why not, Eric?

They're asking for it.

'Cause we owe Privet, don't we, like Smithy said.

Do 'em over, bang goes all his stars.

It sticks in your gullet, though, don't it?

You're telling me, El.

I was looking forward to giving the old Frankie Abbott bowl.

Oh!

Toffee nosed, red blazer gits!

This is gonna cost us a bomb.

Yeah, we'll have to pay our little skivvies overtime

to clean this lot up.

We'll have to have a whip 'round.

Oh, I don't know,

it's gonna leave me utterly short.

All of us!

But it is for sir.

Bleeding Boulters!

They're the ones that should be made to pay for this.

(playful music)

(gentle music)

'Evening.

Erm... (clears throat)

Hello, Penny.

Ah!

You're out.

Yes, I, er,

I sneaked out of the gates disguised as Miss Ewell.

(Penny laughs)

Well, as long as you're here.

My name is Penny Wheeler.

I'm 23 and single.

Hm.

I like interior decorating and I hate diced vegetables.

I cry at sad films and I fancy men who wear glasses.

I can't rollerskate,

but I'm a dab hand at the Balinese nose flute.

Really?

Now, they're made out of bamboos.

Or, no, no, er, erm,

small, small reeds.

Oh. (chuckles)

Why the, er,

why the potted autobiography?

Well, I just thought you could get to know me better

before you have to dash off again.

Oh, I see.

- So drink up quick. - Right.

Okay.

Mm!

I don't have to.

I've got the evening free.

Oh!

So they finally sent 5C home, eh?

No.

No, Penny, no.

I've been vindicated.

Oh, sorry. (chuckles)

Vindicated, yes?

Yes, it's, er...

(stammering) It's fantastic.

They're sweeping the board.

I mean, all this response.

Do you know, only today in environmental studies...

Sorry.

Sounding like The Times education supplement.

It's all right.

I like the chap who's writing the article.

Which article is that?

Erm...

Ah.

Yes, erm.

And I, er,

I wear glasses, too.

Next step.

Order and force me to come to dinner with you.

All right.

Put you on coat on.

(both laugh)

Right, good, right.

I really must stop saying that.

Sir!

Sir!

Dennis?

What is it?

I've done it now, sir.

Oh, bloody...

What?

What have you done, Dennis?

I sent a card to me Mum and Dad.

Well, that's alright.

It's a very nice thing to do, Dennis.

Nothing wrong with that.

Well, there is when they don't even know I'm down here.

Dennis.

Now, look...

Dunstable, back to camp immediately.

Just a minute, Miss Ewell, I've got a crisis here.

You wait till you hear mine.

Dunstable.

You see, Miss Ewell, my crisis concerns a postcard.

- Dennis... - And mine concerns a theft

of £40 of pocket money from the Boulters School hut.

Oh, hell.

5C took the money, Mr. Hedges.

Oh, well, that's just typical, isn't it?

Anything happens, blame 5C.

Oh, yes.

Yes, forget all the strides they've made

and the way they've striven to make those strides.

Because striving to make strides

when there's a situation of strife

is much harder than striving to make strides

when there isn't.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Mr. Hedges, you must face facts.

Facts? Give me the facts, Miss Ewell!

I'll be very surprised if there's one shred of evidence...

The money was discovered hidden in 5C's hut.

Oh, my God.

(dramatic music)

Sir, the car is ready, sir, to take you to the camp.

Thank you, Norman.

You will be navigating me, won't you?

I'd show you the way to Hell, sir, if you asked me.

Oh, Norman, how brave of you

to be worrying about the A3

when you've suffered a personal bereavement?

I am in mourning, sir.

For your assassinated character, sir.

How Hedges and his mob can do that

to a man of your sensibility is beyond me, sir.

I agree, Norman.

This theft has put the mark of Cain on Fenn Street

as a seat of learning.

I should have lowered the flag to half-mast, sir.

Come along, Norman.

The guilty must be punished.

(gentle music)

Ah!

You see that, Daphne?

They're trying to do a bunk.

Oh, it is a case, yes.

Well, you're too late, matey.

Look, I want to know how that boy of mine

went to camp without permission!

Oh, how much weight can these shoulders bear?

I'm in a pit of despair, already!

I don't care if you're down a bleeding well, mate.

I want an explanation!

Now, now, language!

Yeah!

Watch it, watch it, watch it.

I was train in Jujitsu, you know.

I've only got one lung.

It's his left one.

And I've got shrapnel working its way towards my heart,

so don't you one-lung me!

I sometimes have conjunctivitis.

That, sir, has humbled the pair of us.

You see, you're not talking to a human being here, are you?

Oh, no, you are talking to a headmaster.

All right, then.

What are you gonna do about it?

I have some eye ointment I use sometimes.

Don't eye ointment me!

And don't you eye ointment him!

I'll eye ointment who I like!

Hop chicks, probably.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Mr. Burnstable, you cannot possibly have let your son

go to camp without permission.

Look, there's the form you signed.

That's impossible.

Not even when you were, erm...

No, not even then.

I know that for a fact.

Then we must add forgery to theft.

Pardon me, sir, for taking something from your hand, sir,

but I know a bit about phrenology, sir.

Reading bumps, Norman?

I don't quite see the connection.

Eh, bump...

Ah!

Yes, well, I also know, sir, a bit about handwriting,

you know.

And I can tell which kid forged this signature by just...

(clears throat) Yes, well,

now, is this absolutely necessary, sir?

I mean, shouldn't we be concentrating on the robbery, sir?

I mean, on the prima facie case, you see.

I'm not letting the matter rest.

Then I can only suggest that you and your good lady...

How do you do?

Come down to the camp with us.

We will, don't you wait.

Yes.

Norman, Norman, the lights are going out over Fenn Street.

Now, come on.

Which one of you forged Mr. Dunstable's signature?

Come on, step forward.

I mean the person responsible.

All right.

Take the blame collectively.

I don't condone it,

but at least I understand why you did that.

But stealing!

You've always been difficult

and that's putting it mildly,

but I've always felt

that you had an underlying sense of decency.

But this is just criminal!

(Maureen sobs)

Now look what you've done.

There's no need to howl, Maur.

We ain't guilty, are we?

The money was found in your hutch, Duffy.

My old man found a bomb in his garden during the war.

Don't mean put it there, do it?

Honestly, sir, we never took that money.

I swear to you.

I'll do unto you this oath

by the symbol of my faith, if you like.

I know you don't connote me being here by fiddling.

Er, condone, Dennis, yes.

But we didn't do any thieving.

Cross me heart and hope to die.

So help me, I...

I think I believe you.

Come here.

Yes?

Right! (laughs)

Bless you, sir!

All right, all right, Maureen!

Good.

All right, now, look.

The next thing to do

is to try and find out who did take the money.

Yeah, we think we know.

Well, for goodness sake, who?

We ain't saying.

But if you could let us out of here for half an hour,

I think I could put the wraps on this.

No, I'm sorry, I can't do that, Duffy.

You've been confined to this room

until the headmaster gets here.

Oh, blimey!

Well, now, look, you tell me what you do know

and I'll do some private investigating for you.

Well, you know them gipsies I've been seeing, they've...

Hey!

Ah! Right.

Right, all right!

That's it.

Yes!

[Eric] Hang on!

(all clamouring)

Let me out of here!

I suffer from hydrophobia!

Oh, bounce out.

Here, Sharon, hairpin.

Right.

(car rumbling)

(car horn honking)

Oh, gee.

Ah! Oh!

Oh, that tiring journey, Doris.

I may have to have a lie down on your bed this afternoon.

Oh, you will have to give me a chance

to hide my night things first, headmaster.

Still, first things first.

Where are the miscreants, Doris?

Er, this way, headmaster.

We have them secured in a classroom.

We're off to clear ourselves, ain't we?

See you later, Oliver!

Stop!

I order you to stop!

Oi, come here, Tinkerbell!

Leave this to me, sir.

I've driven tanks, sir.

Ah, thank you, Norman.

Just leave it to me, sir.

No worries.

(car door slams)

(car revving)

(car crashes)

(bird squawking nearby)

(playful music)

(gentle music)

(knocks on door)

Hello?

Anyone at home?

(gentle music)

(goat bleats)

Uh-oh!

Right.

(goat bleating)

(gentle music)

(knocks on door)

Hello.

Er, is your chieftain in, please?

(gentle music)

(door creaks open)

You'll die by drowning in your bed,

no children, you will!

Will I?

You will if you interfere with me.

(laughs) No, no.

No, I'm not that sort of person.

Erm, er, I'd like to talk to your leader.

Well, your, er, your sagamore.

Would you call him that?

'Morning. (chuckles)

Erm, I come in peace.

Er, I'm afraid I have no Romany.

We ain't Indians, mate.

Oh!

Sorry.

Erm...

Well, I've come, and I do want to be diplomatic about this,

I believe somebody here planted some stolen money

on my children.

Anything goes wrong, it's always us, innit?

No, no, I mean,

I mean probably in this case you were bribed to do it.

Here, what?

Here, you'll die by drowning, you will!

You'll die by drowning.

(pounds on door)

Hey!

Come out of there!

(all clamouring)

I'm really not trying to interfere with you!

(all clamouring)

No!

Mark me, no!

We're like Punch and Judy in here!

(travellers clamouring)

Where's sir?

Where do you think?

Hey!

Hello, Dennis.

You've got sir in there, Joe?

Yes, he has, Dennis.

Madame, if you will...

Mama!

Thank you.

Well, what's all this about?

Well, I was just trying to explain...

Yeah, well, Dennis will explain.

Right, fine.

Can I see Nobbler for a minute?

Nobbler?

Yeah.

Nobbler!

Nobbler!

What?

Here.

What?

Now, tell me the truth, young man.

Did you put Boulters money in our hut?

Watch what you're saying, Den boy.

'Course I did.

(all chattering)

I still can't work out why young Cobbler...

Nobbler, headmaster.

Oh, quite.

He, um, did what he did.

I have got a good idea, headmaster.

Let us ask the boy.

Why, boy?

Are you Irish?

No, I am not!

Why did you do it, boy?

Because Boulters mucked up 5C's hut

and 5C are my mates.

They ain't got much money,

so I gave 'em Boulters money.

I did a very similar thing with nanny's reticule

when I was 12.

I remember...

Not now, Mr. Smith.

The fact remains, it was a very naughty thing to do.

Ah, Miss.

Miss Ewell, erm, I'm...

Surely, shouldn't we be merciful rather than punitive?

Hmm?

Look at this child.

A little creature of the wilds.

What right have we to shut him away from the sunlight?

He needs to feel the grass under his feet,

the wind in his little face.

Borstal could destroy him.

And so I beg of you to search your hearts

and ask yourselves whether you are not guilty

of confusing justice

with revenge.

(Miss Cutforth clapping)

Mr. Hedges.

Yes, yes?

Apart from us not considering

life imprisonment in the Bastille,

you seem to have missed the fact that

Nobbler is underage and not legally responsible.

Oh, yes.

(students chattering quietly)

The meeting is dis-convened.

It's all right, 5C.

Nobbler got away with a caution.

Great!

(all cheering)

Nothing, I tell you, it was all right.

Look here, you lot, I will get my oar in.

I'm sick of being fogged off

with piddling cups of tea!

Yeah, 14 we've had!

Not each, of course.

Ah!

Erm, Mr. Dunstable, I'm,

I'm not defending the way Dennis got down here,

but I can't tell you how much he's benefited

since he's been here.

Hear, hear to that, Mr. Hedges.

And if it hadn't been for your son,

this money business would never have been solved.

So come on Mr. Dunstable, be a sport.

Let him stay for the next week.

He's earned it.

Yeah. (blows raspberry)

Come on.

(all exclaim)

Get your things packed, 'cause you're coming home!

All right, 5C, leave this to me, would you?

Er, son.

- Eh? - Son.

If there's any way that I can thank you

for not letting on about that forgery

that you tricked me into.

Yeah, well, Den's still going home, ain't he?

Mrs. Dunstable,

your husband is a Martinique.

All this fuss about some kid signing his name. (chuckles)

Oh!

Well, that's 'cause he don't know how to write

a bloody word his-self.

Can't he?

Oh, dear. (laughs)

Can't he?

Hmm.

(Dennis crying)

Mr. Dunstable,

Dennis has learned something here.

Now...

Now, does that mean anything to you?

Nothing.

Look, if you take Dennis away now,

you may be doing him some permanent damage, psychologically.

That's your answer to everything, innit?

Big words.

It doesn't mean a thing to me.

Well, I'm up to here with you, Mr. Dunstable.

I just hope you can live with your lousy conscience.

Sorry, Dennis.

You've got to go.

(Dennis sobbing),

Man with one lung beating a schoolie.

Not bad, is it, eh?

(Dennis crying)

Has he written out his release document yet, Mr. Hedges?

Oh, not now, Potter.

I said release document.

Has he, er, written it out?

I ain't writing nothing.

Why should I have to do that?

Because Mr. Hedges is relinquishing

his propensity of the boy.

Teacher's have a responsibility inside the camp,

parents outside.

I aren't writing nothing!

No, Potter's right.

Dennis might be ill on the way home.

You're not gonna lay that at my door.

A short note will do.

You bloody know-alls!

You ain't trapping me into nothing!

Now, look,

Dennis does not leave the camp until you write this note.

Come, come.

Well, ah, do what your fancy well like!

(Dennis laughs)

I don't care what the silly little fool does.

He can stay here for the rest of his life as far as I care!

You're ignorant, the lot of you!

- Pig-ignorant! - Oh!

Daphne, home!

Well, goodbye, everybody.

Nice to have met you.

Oh, come on, now.

(all cheering)

(bright music)

(gentle music)

"My dear Bernard,

"It seems that the fates are conspiring to keep us apart.

"If you feel as I do,

"skip the dance

"and meet me on the assault course at eight o'clock.

"I am your Mona Lisa.

"Please, make me smile.

"Angela."

(gentle music)

("La La La Lu" by Cilla Black)

♪ Come to the party, come to the dance ♪

♪ I only hope you're gonna give me one more chance ♪

♪ And if you're coming along ♪

♪ Just sing this song ♪

♪ The song goes la la la lu ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ La la la li ♪

♪ Do you love me ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ I hope that you do yeah ♪

♪ The song goes la la la lu ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ La la la li ♪

♪ Do you love me ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Please say that you do ♪

♪ So I'll sit in the kitchen ♪

I still can't understand why Mr. Dunstable

changed his mind so quickly.

Well, a little bird told me

Potter found out he couldn't write.

You see, it's as if he had an actual aversion to writing.

Oh, dear.

That wasn't been a nice thing for me to do, was it, Penny?

You didn't know.

No.

No, I didn't.

No, I'm really quite innocent, then.

Very innocent.

Bernard, would you take me outside, please?

I feel faint.

Oh, dear, do you?

No, I don't.

♪ La la la lu ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Oh. (chuckles)

Right.

Good.

So I got him up against the wall,

like that, you see.

You get the picture, do you?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I thought you might do.

So I said to him, now I said,

"You, look!

"You let that little lad stay

"or I'll do to you what I did to Robert, you see.”

So, naturally, with my arm across his,

oh, hello, Bern. (chuckles)

Hello, Norm.

Ah.

Er...

Pardon?

Hmm?

Er...

Oh, yes.

♪ My sweet baby ♪

This is a turn up for the book, isn't it, Potter?

You doing something for the lads.

Ah, yes, well, that's the whole ironical part

of the old shooting match, you see.

I did it because they never let on,

now, listen to this, that it was me

that forged that signature in the first place, you see.

(laughs) Forged it.

(Norman laughing)

♪ La la la lu ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Yeah, well, (clears throat)

Perhaps it's time for "The Military Two-Step,” eh?

Or do you fancy the Lancers?

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Oh I hope that you do yeah ♪

♪ The song goes la la la lu ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ La la la li ♪

Well, well, that's smart.

You actually, erm,

actually live in London, do you?

Yes.

I'm just at Mum and Dad's pub for the holidays.

You...

Right.

Yes, I don't suppose, er,

Fenn Street is anywhere near your area, is it?

Dangerously near, as a matter of fact.

Hm. (laughs)

Right.

Erm...

Well, perhaps we,

we could, erm, sometimes, erm,

sometimes we could, we could, erm, meet.

Or, or, well something, something like that anyway.

Something like quite a lot of the time, I hope.

Yes.

Erm, I...

I don't suppose that...

Yes.

Er, yes, I do.

I do, I do...

Darling.

(romantic music)

Ooh, darling, she said!

(playful music)

(Bernard shouts)

At last!

You're mine!

Miss...

Miss Cutforth, you really oughtn't...

Look, if Mr. Cromwell is...

(Bernard stammering)

♪ Please say that you do ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh baby ♪

♪ My sweet baby ♪

♪ Won't you come to the party ♪

♪ Come to the dance ♪

♪ I only hope you're gonna give me one more chance ♪

♪ But if you're not singing this song ♪

♪ Then I'll be gone ♪

♪ I said the song goes ♪

♪ La la la lu ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ La la la li ♪

♪ Do you love me ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Oh I hope that you do, yeah ♪

♪ The song goes ♪

♪ La la la lu ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ La la la li ♪

♪ Do you love me ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Please say that you do ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪