Original subtitles

- Adjutant Simon! - Here.

- Adjutant Therrien? - Here.

Downloaded from YTS.MX

- Corporal Lamarre. - Here.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

ONE OF THE GUYS

GIRL - BOY BOY - GIRL

Hey, Mom!

Hey, Vincent. How's it going?

Ready?

I don't remember what to write.

"I am more than my gender."

Mother

Couldn't you take after me and not sweat?

You made a flawed human being.

No, a great one, thank you very

Physically flawed but smart.

No, you're perfect!

You'll make a great boy.

GAY PRIDE, MONTREAL 2015

My gender is not my identity

Being trans is not a choice

When I came out, I was afraid of losing my job.

It was the end of my contract.

At one point I put it out there,

telling some of the brass I felt close to,

who I'd served with in Afghanistan

Then it went up the chain of command

because in the army,

I can't speak directly to my commanding officer.

I have to start at the bottom.

Still, I thought:

They already treat me like a man

So I figured it wouldn't be so bad

if I came out as a trans man.

I was already treated like a man and they knew that's what I want

That's all I was asking for

I was still terrified, because it's the army.

Adjutant, may I have a word?

Come in. Close the door and sit.

So, Vincent, how's it going with the treatment?

I'm seeing an endocrinologist on the 21th.

When I get back on the 26th,

I'll get the injection, if all goes well.

August 26th.

As I mentioned earlier, I might have mood swings and so

If there are problems, I don't want you driving a bus.

No, I don't want to crash if I get road rage or whatever.

- Absolutely not. - Because I'm out of whack.

I don't know how I'll react at first

At first, you'll be working closer to home, at the base.

- Like doing recycling? - Sure, or CMTT, something like that

at least until you're stable

and we see how you respond to the treatments,

make sure everything's fine.

- I trust you. - I don't want it to affect my job

Again, don't go overboard, be honest,

and everything will be fine.

- Great. - Excellent?

- Yeah. Much appreciated. - Great. Thanks.

- Have a good tour. - Thanks very much.

- Wish I could go. - You'll get your turn.

- Perhaps another time. - Bye. Thanks.

When I was younger, I dressed like a guy.

Girls would whistle at me

because they thought I was cute.

I liked that!

That's kind of where Vincent came

I liked being whistled at.

Then they'd ask my name and I'd be uncomfortable.

They realized I was a girl.

I tried to speak like a guy.

That made it more ambiguous, the voice didn't fit.

Vincent's diary 26 August 2016

Hi, everyone.

I'm going to sum up my journey so far

So let's do it.

My transition began

in my head, unofficially.

It was the start of the therapie

That was late 2013.

At first, I was treated for gender dysphoria.

Basically to get me to accept my woman's body.

That started me thinking that it wasn't what I wanted.

I wanted a transition, I was transgender.

Then I had to wait till 25 Augus

for my first testosterone inject

SUMMER 2015

The beginning of an adventure.

Not an adventure, a life.

I just feel liberated.

And anxious, too.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, how are you?

- Good. You? - Fine.

Still, it looks real!

That's the idea.

But I'm surprised. I didn't imagine it like that.

Okay, next.

- This one's expensive. - How much?

- Two-hundred. - For that?

Yeah, only...

Ah! But it has a nice... It feel

I ordered it.

How long do they make them?

6.5.

- Might be too... - That's right.

When I first put it on, it was:

"Wow, I've got a penis, that's great

I don't put it on anymore. Haven't done for a year.

Yeah?

You don't need it now.

At first, I used them because I was hung up.

I felt castrated, I always felt castrated.

That's exactly it. I'd always felt castrated.

But with time, I just thought:

Do I really need it?

I'll wear it when I go clubbing, 'cause I'll be cruising...

Basically it's for others, not y

It's not for me at all.

Vincent's diary 14 October 2015

This is my 7th week on testoster

I'm unemotional, but that's...

It's part of the process of reconfiguring the brain.

You're either hyper emotional

or you have zero emotion, like..

I was with this girl, who left m She said...

I was lacking something.

I'm not yet physically a man.

She thought she could get over that

but she couldn't.

At least she was honest, she tried

How did I feel about it?

Aside from doing nothing,

zombying out more than usual since I've been on hormones...

I thought I'd shed a tear or two

but whenever I try to cry,

I can't do it, I don't feel anyt neither joy nor sadness.

Emotionally, I'm at zero.

Where should I put this, Grandma

- Grandma's exploiting my big arms - To carry stuff!

You could have made two trips.

There, Grandma.

- How are you? - Fine.

I'll tell you, Vincent,

when you told me you really want

to be a guy,

I wasn't the least bit surprised

Since you were a child...

I took care of you for two years

True.

You didn't act like a girl at al

Come on.

Good thing you made up your mind, though.

Yeah, it was time, I think.

That's it, that's all.

Guess I wasn't ready before.

You seemed readier than ever when you came back from Afghanistan

When you came back, there was no

Any doubts seemed to have evapor

On exercise.

I met Corporal Virginie Lamarre in 2010-2011,

when I was Commander of the National Support Element,

deployed to Afghanistan, in the province of Kandahar.

I was commander of that unit, some 800 people.

Corporal Lamarre, at the time...

She was... a driver.

That's not quite right.

I'll use feminine pronouns for the past and masculine ones for the present

Back then,

she was a military truck driver.

So I remember Corporal Lamarre, in Afghanistan,

as a small woman with short hair

her hands covered in oil,

dirty, because she worked on a big truck,

and her brothers-in-arms called her "little dude".

...with Virginie!

- Little dude. - Little dude.

When you're a driver and a combat logistics officer,

you kind of have to prove you can do the job.

My first assignment was to transport 20 000 litres of diesel by truck

I drove that truck all through myself

because I was up for it, unlike some people.

Of course, if 20,000 litres of diesel blows,

it blows sky-high.

It's long-burning and deadly.

They called me Bombshell.

Our turn now.

The great thing about it

is that nothing is done in secret

Everyone knows.

I hope people are inspired by it

I hope we've gone beyond being prejudiced.

I bet some people still are

Lots of them, who I don't see,

who still have obstacles to over

But little victories can demonstrate

that you're rising above it.

Since I was a kid, I've thought: "If boys act that way.... ”

I watched men and felt jealous

because I wanted to be like them

build myself up. I dreamed of having a beard.

Plus I watched my brother going through puberty.

For a long time I was jealous of

I'd punch myself in the stomach when I had my periods.

It was always a big drama.

I didn't want to get older and have breasts, hips, female trait

I figured if I could stay androgenous like an 8-year-old,

that would be pretty good.

I lost my dad when I was two.

When I'm at peace with myself,

I think I'll be able to make my peace with my dad.

I resent him, because...

I don't know how he'd react to what I'm going through right

I'll never know, actually,

if he'd have been okay with it

That's even more painful than rejection

because I'll never know.

SUMMER 2016

The big day's coming!

Yes, soon.

Does the mastectomy scare you? That's next.

Yes, and for me...

it's a step that's... - Significant?

In my mind, it's one of the stag

Because right now...

appearance wise, I'm not at ease with myself.

That's just how you feel.

It's been a long journey.

- Since the age of three, of cou - There's a long history.

There's a long history, there have been bleak times,

moments of clarity that brought you back to reality

but also the path that led you here

It's not that simple.

No, it doesn't happen overnight. Definitely.

That kind of comes up often, too

People ask: "When did you know..

- You wanted to be a man? - "You were transgender?"

Since the age of three, I would ask my mom:

"When am I getting a penis?" Stuff like that, you know?

For as long as I can remember,

I haven't wanted to wake up in the morning.

When I went to bed, I hoped I wouldn't wake up the next morning

I only snapped out of it about a year ago.

Seriously, it's only been three since I stopped fantasizing abou

Because up until recently,

I just couldn't imagine having a future.

I lived in the moment.

When I went to Afghanistan, actually

I almost hoped I'd get blown up. Honestly.

When I got back, I wished I'd died a hero there.

But going there might've saved your life?

It made me realize I didn't want to die

I wanted to die.

But...

I had a survival instinct.

Deep down, I wanted to live, but not like that.

That was unbearable.

You wanted Virginie to die for Vincent to live.

I never wanted Virginie dead,

because I accomplished a lot I'm proud of.

Virginie accomplished a lot she was proud of.

I didn't want to kill the old me but things had to change.

Kind of like a caterpillar. Things had to change.

Right.

I'm glad it's going well. You look happy,

you're smiling...

In the military, everyone's adju adapting, accepting you.

- No problems. - No.

Of course...

a few don't understand and will never accept it,

but it hasn't happened in a good three weeks.

Do they seem transphobic? People uncomfortable with...

I don't know. Hard to say.

I think they're more uncomfortab than transphobic.

Okay. What often happens, for ex

The reason I asked if you think they're transphobic

because xenophobes -

people who fear strangers and the unknown...

Or homophobes. Homophobes often...

- Yeah, same thing. - But they see a man and think:

This man is attracted to men. Where does that leave me?

If he approaches me, should I be nice to him,

or hostile or...?

Fear often makes people hostile.

So once you understand that, you

Perhaps they question their iden

Not necessarily their sexuality, but their identity.

In relation to others. So, with gay men or strangers,

or transsexuals, transgender peo they're uncomfortable.

-Guess I never thought of it that way - But it often gets better with time

Give them a chance.

Because there's a difference between not understanding something

and disapproving of something.

Basically I just realized, discussing it earlier,

that all the self-hatred I felt.

when I started transitioning, accepting it,

was really internalized transphobia

When I wrote "Fuck you, trans" on the wall,

beat myself up, it was really...

because I was fighting it

And if you look up "transphobia, that's exactly it.

I'm just realizing that now,

almost three years later.

I'm scared, I'm trans. What is this?

What do I do? How do I handle this?

- I'll have to cut it more often - For sure.

- But there's less than usual. - Yes.

Should I comb it to one side?

Try to tame the cowlick.

Right.

Like it was windblown.

Right. Kind of blown to the side

Yeah.

Vincent's diary 4 June 2016

I can't sleep anymore

now I've got a date for my opera

It's like a waking dream,

I've dreamed about it for so man

Since I was a teenager.

I've dreamed of seeing my pecs,

since it started growing there.

There's a lot of anxiety.

I've made sacrifices

to go to Mississauga, near Toronto

for my operation.

It's really stressful, both financially and medically.

I'm scared I'll be disappointed by the result.

No, I saw photos.

There really isn't much.

I agree. It's not you anymore.

- Not really, huh? - No.

- Weird, huh? - Yes.

It's strange now, huh?

Mom? Any questions?

I'll try to figure out how to take care of him tomorrow

All the gods were with me, not j

I had cosmic energy with me.

Looks great, huh?

- Flat, huh? - Yes. You're not used to it,

My skin... But I don't have pecs

Jeez!

- Vincent, come on! - I thought I had more.

No...

Shaun told me I'd be disappointed

Figure of speech. Not disappointed, but...

You're expecting... Look, you have to work those muscles

I sure will. You'll see.

Not bad, huh?

I was expecting more carnage. It's cool.

I noticed you're hairy now, too.

That's true! You'd never seen him

'Cause when I saw my chest...

Jeez... I think I freaked out the surgeon and nurses. Absolutely

Everyone was expecting me to go, like: Wow!

But instead...

I thought: Damn, I have no pecs. What the hell?

I knew you'd say that!

I had, like, an inferiority complex

What worried me most, when he told me,

were... the surgeries.

Everything he'll put his body through to be who he wants to be

I think it's a really big deal.

It's a lot of pressure.

The way others see you, too.

The image you project:

what and who you are, ultimately

You really have to ask yourself these questions.

And surgery is self-imposed cruelty

I'm still struggling with it,

but Vincent obviously... needed

He's on cloud nine.

But I've met people who later regretted it,

because it was painful,

and in retrospect, as time went on

they felt like they did this for more than themselves.

I think that's sad. I can't help but find it sad.

They're so beautiful. But I could see the other one be

It's right over there now.

What about the penis

in all this?

- That's the big question. - Always.

Everyone wonders but no one dares say it.

What about the penis?

What I say is:

It's up to the person to decide whether she wants one or not.

He was outraged.

You can't be a man and not have

Vincent's diary 6 July 2016

I realize I need to overcome a couple of things

in my mind before opting for a phalloplasty

if I decide to go that far.

I'll never be able to have a natural erection.

That's one thing, but that's ok

It's really the fact of...

never climaxing.

It stirs up...

an anxiety in me, I can't explain

I can't climax knowing nothing will come out.

It's as if the ending is missing

I need to get over the fact it will never happen.

FALL 2016

When I started transitioning,

my hockey skills started going downhill fast.

And I was more stressed off the ice than on.

You stress out about changing after the game.

If I joined the guys in the locker room, say.

Because I gradually started using the men's locker room...

and I'd go in already dressed.

All these doubts assail you.

Then, on the ice,

you're still thinking about the locker room,

trying to discern whether the others suspect you're trans

It's really draining.

When you hit the ice, you're mentally drained.

And you're already thinking about post-game. What then?

I can't shower. No way.

Until recently, I just didn't shower

I changed in my car, in my Jeep, outside.

At first, when you start transit

you have no idea if you'll feel better, in a way.

You think so, you believe it will

but there are no guarantees.

I realized this mental block was by a fear of becoming what I hate

about men,

that I used to focus

on the negative aspects of men's characters.

I thought the testosterone might stereotypically macho,

telling women to fuck off,

objectifying them.

I was scared testosterone would make me that way.

Still, I realized it was completely ridiculous.

If I dislike that type of behaviour why would I act that way?

So there's no way I'll behave like that due to testosterone.

Eighty-four, Mom! Eight on one side, four on the other

Some things concern me,

others I'm curious about, how it's going.

It's okay.

I've always wondered...

How do hysterectomies work?

I thought - until I was 30, so just recent

they'd remove something this big downwards,

because it's being done by laparoscopy.

Two small incisions in the navel and they pull it out through there

That's it. No scar.

But I thought:

Jeez, how will they get that out through there?

Plus the ovaries, which extend to my kidneys, back

It must be big as a football.

But thin. I thought they were this thin.

I was, like: My organs will be floating around inside.

Marie- Ève, Geneviève's friend, looked at me and said,

"That's the size of a fig."

- Really? - The size of a fig.

That's it. You didn't know either

- I didn't think it was that big - Figuratively speaking.

- But that small? No. - But not that small.

And it's just behind the pelvis. I was, like:

Okay.

Because I'd say - as I told Mom earlier -

- I sometimes see you as a teenager - That's what it's like.

Brother

I look at you go and see myself 10 years ago.

You engage in riskier behaviour,

pulling crazy stunts and so on,

like I did 10 years ago.

That's normal,

because hormonal changes bring on puberty.

Bring on the same things.

Except I'm going through puberty as a man now.

It lasts six years, too.

I wouldn't want to go through that again.

Still, I'm happy about it,

because it's the kind of puberty I expected at 14 and never had.

Now it's the same. My beard. "Oh, my God, I have a four-day beard ”

I finally have one. I'm thrilled. I'm so excited.

I feel blue every time I shave

"Oh, no, I have to shave." I'm so happy I have a few hairs

- Just wait 10 years. - Yeah, after...

But as a teen, you were happy?

- Yes. - That's it.

Let me enjoy my teenage years

WINTER 2016

Hang in there, Vincent.

- Thanks. Later. - Later.

- Hi - Hi.

Are you okay?

My name's Soukhaina.

I'm going to ask you a few questions

Your name?

- I need your full name. - Vincent Gabriel Lamarre.

- Great. Date of birth? - March 6, 1986.

- Here... - Lactose intolerance.

That's all? Great. So what's today's surgery?

Hysterectomy, complete oophorectomy.

Great. She explained it's through small incisions?

Yes, laparoscopy, so...

I'm nervous, my hands are freezing

I was like this for the mastectomy

I couldn't feel my hands, they went all white.

I can't wait to see him when he comes back.

It's another big step.

After the mastectomy,

it may be the biggest step, where we'll see...

According to Vincent,

big changes, even physically, are coming.

So it's really something.

It's really...

Because this is, like, the home

All that's left then is...

the phalloplasty.

That's gonna wait a bit, though.

But Vincent, for years now,

has been dreaming of not menstruation

of not worrying about getting pregnant or anything

SPRING 2017

Before I met Nadia, actually,

I really wondered whod be interested in someone like me

someone transitioning,

a cross between the two.

Personally, I wouldn't be.

I thought I'd die alone. I could see it.

I was sure I was a monster of some sorts

But despite that I decided to see the transition through

figuring: worst comes to worst, even if I die alone like a monster

at least I can live with myself.

Because the person you have to live with 24/7 is yourse

So I decided to put myself first

That's when I really started growing

and, slowly but surely, began my transition.

I was really hoping to help with the flooding,

yet I knew I was limited due to medical reasons,

some things I couldn't do.

So it was stressful. At first, I was stressed out

like being called "ma'am" and whather

since I was coming out of my shell for the first time.

And the thought of being with the Quebec unit...

I was really stressed about being recognized,

or being called "ma'am," despite my beard and all.

But it went really well.

Before, when I joined a new unit to deliver supplies,

especially units with more men, obviously,

it's like I had to be a perfect

everything had to go really smooth I had to prove myself.

Joining as a man, I didn't feel judged at all.

I saw a big difference.

Right away, it was buddy-buddy, you're one of the guys.

Whereas before, I don't know if I was distancing myself...

Probably.

Actually, I was trying to fit in but was always considered an out

Now... Well, a female outsider, actually

But not anymore.

It's really nice, a lot less stressful

I didn't feel... rejected.

I was one of the guys.

I suggested you head the subcommittee

because it would be a great opportunity for you.

And I think I can turn you into a great leader,

and give you the tools to carry this through successful

I think so, yes.

Seriously... the D+ committee is a cause that's close to my heart

And the LGBTQI subcommittee...

- it keeps getting longer -

is really something I can relate

Because of my transition and all it's even closer to my heart.

It shows people it can be...

it's a reality, we're here

and it's not all horror stories.

There's some good.

Of course, I was subjected to homophobia,

as an NCO or even an officer.

Of course, when I was an NCO, it was a little more...

We were subjected to verbal abuse

But as an officer, homophobic slurs were of a different nature.

But I always told the higher-ups

and things always went smoothly, on the whole.

We must eradicate this kind of behaviour in our organization.

If we keep quiet, those who make these slurs will.

- And it has a snowball effect. - Right.

And these people will always win

That's not what we want. We have to speak out.

Absolutely.

Is that what basically led you to form the Diversity + Committe

The trigger was really

the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia last year.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called on the military brass

to mobilize against this.

I noticed nothing was being done

So I thought: If nothing's being done

is it because there are no problems here,

or are they swept under the rug?

I started to look around, all over the world.

Then I turned to the British Armed Forces,

and took a cue from them,

how they managed to eradicate homophobia and transphobia in their organisation

I followed their example, which led to D+.

That's why we need you as head of the LGBTQ subcommitte

Everyone must do their part. Teamwork.

Yeah. And the greatest obstacle is resistance to change.

With support from the chains of

we can eliminate this resistance to change.

Get the message to filter down to the rank and file, like me.

Happy Pride.

Hi. How's everybody doing?

Happy Pride.

Hi. How are you?

Hi, gang.

Thanks for coming.

ARMY LIFE EASIER AS A MAN THAN A WOMAN

Hey, Grandma. How are you?

- You read the whole article? - Yes.

What did you think?

Oh yes, I think it's wonderful.

This photo is fantastic.

My partner Nadia's family doesn't know...

about my situation.

I said it might be a good opport to tell her family.

But she still hasn't done it. It's really stressing her out.

- She hasn't told them? - No. The whole thing freaked

Even I didn't dare bring these..

To your meeting yet, huh?

Because it's hard, despite everything, but...

seriously, after this was published,Grandma

I was expecting negative comment on Facebook and online,

but the feedback was really positive

Very few people wrote stupid or nasty things.

I was pleased.

I was surprised that Nadia didn'

Nadia has a problem with it.

They have no idea...

- They think you're heterosexual - A heterosexual man, period.

They know nothing about my past.

If I take issue with this,

it's because I'm your mom... your grandma.

- My grandma. You worry about me - And you're my favourite grands

Yes. It's right here.

And I can see the army doesn't feed you

FALL 2017

Vincent's diary 31 October 2017

31 October 2017.

Today is a special day,

one I've been waiting a long time

I've finally been given a date for my phalloplasty.

A preoperative visit.

I met with Dr Brassard and Dr Bélanger.

It went really well.

About the different stages...

Could you explain them again?

Stages 1, 2, and 3, what happens in each.

The first step...

Dr Bensimon will be with me.

We'll close the vaginal cavity

and make the scrotum.

He'll lengthen the urethra to the middle of the scrotum.

Yes, otherwise it'll be too low.

Meanwhile, I make the penis.

Once it's done and we're ready,

we transfer it and connect the arteries, veins and nerves.

So that's the first operation.

Four to six months later, we connect the urethra.

Four to six months later, we put the implants in.

How long does the penis implant

The surgery? 60 to 90 minutes.

Under general anesthetic?

The urethra too?

The urethra can be done under an epidural.

Is that up to me or...?

That will be up to you.

I think I'll have a general aneshesy for everything!

I wondered how it would feel to forego my anonymity and tell my story.

When I began my transition, my main objective

was to go unnoticed among other people

I wanted to be seen like everyone else

just as a person, an individual.

By telling my story in public,

I'm not just addressing people in transition

or soldiers.

I'd really like to reach everyone

so that everyone can get something from my story.