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1
00:00:02,353 --> 00:00:03,848
-Your Honor, the
defendant was caught
2
00:00:03,872 --> 00:00:05,526
with the stolen
items in her purse.
3
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,615
-You Honor, my
client, Mrs. Jasser...
4
00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:10,966
-It's Ms.Jasser.
5
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:12,664
-Noted. Ms. Jasser...
6
00:00:12,707 --> 00:00:15,319
-You can call me Helen.
7
00:00:15,362 --> 00:00:17,451
-The defendant had
no idea that...
8
00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:20,411
- My husband's in a coma.
- Oh.
9
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,890
Objection, Your Honor.
10
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:25,111
Th-The defendant is
groping her attorney.
11
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,940
-Counsel, approach the bench.
12
00:00:27,983 --> 00:00:29,420
Oh, I got nothing.
13
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,335
I just thought you
could use a break.
14
00:00:31,378 --> 00:00:33,380
Am I crazy, or has
someone been getting
15
00:00:33,424 --> 00:00:35,817
a lotof lady attention lately?
16
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:37,578
-Connie from probate
won't stop talking about
17
00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:39,821
the dashing new defense
attorney with the thick hair
18
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:42,955
and tush worth a push.
19
00:00:42,998 --> 00:00:45,914
Connie's a big ol' freak.
20
00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:47,699
-It's actually really annoying.
21
00:00:47,742 --> 00:00:49,677
I'm tired of women asking me
if I've got any inside info
22
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:51,833
on the silver fox I work with.
23
00:00:51,877 --> 00:00:55,315
Carol in the cafeteria,
Carol at records,
24
00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:57,143
Carol who's always
wearing the cat blouse.
25
00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:59,667
-Oh! Go for cat blouse.
26
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:02,714
I mean, I just thought that
maybe she could be your chance
27
00:01:02,757 --> 00:01:05,673
at sharing your hopes
and dreams with someone.
28
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:08,850
And she could also share
where to get that cat blouse.
29
00:01:08,894 --> 00:01:10,548
-Well, I hate to
spoil all your fun,
30
00:01:10,591 --> 00:01:13,159
but my dating days
are behind me.
31
00:01:13,203 --> 00:01:15,118
Of course, there was a
time I would have killed
32
00:01:15,161 --> 00:01:16,902
for this kind of attention
33
00:01:16,945 --> 00:01:18,991
and almost did.
34
00:01:20,253 --> 00:01:22,560
Not a human, a chicken.
35
00:01:22,603 --> 00:01:25,693
A voodoo doctor back in
Plaquimines Parish, Louisiana,
36
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:29,088
told me that an animal sacrifice
would make me irresistible
37
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:31,046
to the fairer sex.
38
00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:35,486
Anyway, let's get
back to these weirdos.
39
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:54,200
-Which one of these pet fish
looks like the most fun?
40
00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:56,811
This one has kind eyes and
seems like a good listener,
41
00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:59,552
but this one's name is Zazzle.
42
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:00,965
-Unless you're a
seal, getting a fish
43
00:02:00,989 --> 00:02:03,862
is a desperate cry for help.
44
00:02:03,905 --> 00:02:05,472
-Well, my fiancé, Rand, and I
45
00:02:05,516 --> 00:02:07,233
have been doing the
long-distance thing for a while,
46
00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:08,909
and I've been feeling
a little lonely,
47
00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:10,564
so thought I'd get a pet.
48
00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:12,610
But it has to be one
that you can't dress up
49
00:02:12,653 --> 00:02:15,700
because otherwise I'll
never leave the apartment.
50
00:02:15,743 --> 00:02:17,702
-Well, stud, you got
me into handcuffs.
51
00:02:17,745 --> 00:02:19,138
What now?
52
00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:22,271
-I mean, seriously,
53
00:02:22,315 --> 00:02:24,143
is there no poetry
left in flirting?
54
00:02:24,187 --> 00:02:27,799
Earlier today, a woman yelled,
"I'd like to climb that!"
55
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:34,762
-Ooh, I gotta get this.
It's the fish people.
56
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,242
-Excuse me, could you help me...
57
00:02:36,286 --> 00:02:38,592
-Oh, please. Yes,
can I help you...
58
00:02:38,636 --> 00:02:41,465
What, would you like to
bang my gavel
59
00:02:41,508 --> 00:02:43,249
or some other tortured
double entendre?
60
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:44,424
Let me tell you something.
61
00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:46,600
I dress like this
to please myself,
62
00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:51,518
not to be ogled and debased
by deviants like you.
63
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,955
-I just wanted to know
where the records room is.
64
00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:55,497
-Down the hall to the
left, first right.
65
00:02:55,521 --> 00:02:56,741
-Ah.
66
00:02:56,784 --> 00:02:58,872
-Uh, excuse me.
67
00:02:58,917 --> 00:03:00,527
I'd like to apologize.
I'm very sorry.
68
00:03:00,571 --> 00:03:03,095
I... I had a long day.
69
00:03:03,138 --> 00:03:06,446
-Oh, I mean, I can't begin
to appreciate the indignities
70
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:09,710
you must suffer as an
upper-middle-class white man.
71
00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:12,452
-I deserve that.
72
00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:13,932
Can I make it up to you
73
00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:16,935
by buying your...
real-life newspaper?
74
00:03:16,978 --> 00:03:18,806
-Oh, I actually
get this delivered.
75
00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:21,983
Yeah, call me old fashioned,
but I like knowing
76
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:24,986
there was someone right outside
my door while I was asleep.
77
00:03:26,814 --> 00:03:29,053
Ah, I thought I was one of
the last people to read those.
78
00:03:29,077 --> 00:03:30,731
Matter fact, I start
every day by doing...
79
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:32,907
- The Jumble.
- The Jumble.
80
00:03:32,951 --> 00:03:34,126
Uh, I'm Dan.
81
00:03:34,169 --> 00:03:35,649
- Oh. Julianne.
- Hi.
82
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:37,782
-Well, thanks for
the directions,
83
00:03:37,824 --> 00:03:40,480
and good luck fending
off the deviants.
84
00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,265
Ha!
85
00:03:43,831 --> 00:03:46,356
-Ah, screw it. Look,
I did come over to you
86
00:03:46,399 --> 00:03:47,966
because I thought
you were handsome,
87
00:03:48,009 --> 00:03:50,882
and my therapist told me that
I should take more chances.
88
00:03:50,925 --> 00:03:52,927
Well, here's my number.
89
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:55,756
Maybe we can Jumble
together sometime.
90
00:03:58,150 --> 00:04:01,501
-Oooh!
91
00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:04,112
-Dan met a lady!
92
00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:05,897
-My heart is closed
for business.
93
00:04:05,940 --> 00:04:07,768
I've had the great
romance of my life.
94
00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:10,380
That's more than
most people get.
95
00:04:10,423 --> 00:04:12,512
-I know you don't believe that.
96
00:04:12,556 --> 00:04:15,167
I mean, just tonight you
said that we're all entitled
97
00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:17,125
to more than one great love.
98
00:04:17,168 --> 00:04:19,345
Sure, you were defending
a polygamist cult leader,
99
00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:23,088
but I could tell it
was from the heart.
100
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,873
-Ugh, romance.
101
00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,614
Even those movies
are depressing.
102
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:30,356
They're all about some woman
who abandons a presentation
103
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,402
to catch some guy
at the airport.
104
00:04:32,445 --> 00:04:34,229
It's like, finish
the presentation.
105
00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:37,058
The head of the
company is there!
106
00:04:37,101 --> 00:04:40,192
-Well, y'all know me... I always
got a boo and a back-up boo.
107
00:04:40,235 --> 00:04:41,933
You will not catch
me on the kiss cam
108
00:04:41,976 --> 00:04:44,022
with no one to kiss,
bumming out a whole stadium.
109
00:04:44,065 --> 00:04:46,938
It's just not fair to the fans.
110
00:04:46,981 --> 00:04:48,505
-All right, let's
give Dan a break.
111
00:04:48,548 --> 00:04:50,681
If he doesn't want
to date, that's okay.
112
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,378
I mean, he doesn't
need a special someone
113
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:53,814
when he's got us.
114
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:56,339
We are all the emotional
connection he needs.
115
00:04:56,382 --> 00:04:58,601
-I'm just gonna go
ahead and text Julianne.
116
00:05:01,256 --> 00:05:02,616
-I'm an assistant
district attorney
117
00:05:02,649 --> 00:05:03,955
in the city of New York,
118
00:05:03,998 --> 00:05:05,913
and you will treat
me with respect!
119
00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:10,048
Okay, well, your client
should have thought about that
120
00:05:10,091 --> 00:05:13,617
before took a bath in
Richard Kind's apartment.
121
00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:16,663
Oh, okay. I'll
see youin court.
122
00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,281
-You got any mints?
123
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:29,284
-This is a nightmare.
124
00:05:29,328 --> 00:05:31,306
I'm trying to find somewhere
I can work that's quiet,
125
00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:33,071
but this just...
This is not worth it.
126
00:05:33,114 --> 00:05:35,421
-Well, isn't there an office
all the DAs work out of?
127
00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:37,728
-Ugh! No one will leave
me alone in there.
128
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,314
Okay, you know what?
It's fine. It's fine.
129
00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:41,185
I'm... I'm just gonna go
and work in the morgue.
130
00:05:41,209 --> 00:05:44,169
The vibe is lousy, but at least
there are plenty of drawers.
131
00:05:44,212 --> 00:05:46,432
-Well, hang on. I bet if
we put our heads together,
132
00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,042
we can find you a
quiet place to work.
133
00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:49,672
-Oh, I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.
134
00:05:49,696 --> 00:05:51,698
Every office and most
of the closets are...
135
00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:54,135
What... What's...
What are you doing?
136
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,877
Uh, you keep blueprints
in the bathroom vent?
137
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,444
-I keep blueprints
in every vent.
138
00:05:58,488 --> 00:05:59,769
You never know when
you might find yourself
139
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,404
in a "Die Hard" situation.
140
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:04,711
"Die Hard."
141
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:07,627
- Uh...
- Nakatomi Plaza?
142
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:10,325
We open on a plane.
143
00:06:10,369 --> 00:06:12,589
A young Die Hard hates to fly.
144
00:06:12,632 --> 00:06:14,349
-Don't have time to hear
a movie right now, Gurgs.
145
00:06:14,373 --> 00:06:15,983
-Right. One emergency at a time.
146
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:17,420
All buildings like
this have a lot
147
00:06:17,463 --> 00:06:18,986
of unused nooks and crannies.
148
00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:21,075
-Okay, well, looks like
our best bet gonna be
149
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:22,729
right here in the east wing.
150
00:06:29,344 --> 00:06:30,624
-Thanks for
expediting the docket
151
00:06:30,650 --> 00:06:32,565
so Dan could leave
early for his date.
152
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,654
Any big plans for all this
extra night we've got?
153
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:36,439
-Yeah, so many.
154
00:06:36,482 --> 00:06:38,789
Me and my boy... Jaston, the...
155
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,574
- It's okay to say nothing.
- Nothing.
156
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:43,097
You?
157
00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:44,988
-Mondays used to be pizza
night for me and Rand,
158
00:06:45,012 --> 00:06:48,101
but now we're 300
miles apart, so...
159
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:51,018
At least Dan's having fun.
160
00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:53,020
First dates are so magical.
161
00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:55,022
The anticipation, the jitters,
162
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:56,589
the excitement when
the car pulls up
163
00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:58,504
and you get that
first whiff of garlic.
164
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:01,028
Now I'm talking
about pizza again.
165
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:03,466
-Plus, Dan picked a
great first-date spot.
166
00:07:03,509 --> 00:07:05,859
De Bello's minestrone
is to die for.
167
00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:07,470
And they'll give you
a cup for half off
168
00:07:07,513 --> 00:07:10,864
if you show them the text
when your date cancels.
169
00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:14,172
-You don't think Julianne would
cancel on Dan, though, right?
170
00:07:14,215 --> 00:07:16,696
I hate the idea of him
sitting alone, rejected,
171
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:19,177
crying into a bowl of sad soup.
172
00:07:19,220 --> 00:07:20,787
-They won't upgrade
you to a bowl,
173
00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:22,833
no matter how much
you're crying.
174
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:24,182
-I pushed him into this.
175
00:07:24,225 --> 00:07:25,836
I'm gonna feel terrible
if he gets hurt.
176
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,881
Like the time I snuck my
cousin on a roller coaster
177
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:30,231
and realized you have to
be this tall for a reason.
178
00:07:32,407 --> 00:07:33,713
Don't worry, there was a loop,
179
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:36,411
so she landed right
back in her seat.
180
00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:39,502
But the guy said that
almost never happens.
181
00:07:39,545 --> 00:07:43,636
Okay, what if I just popped into
the restaurant for a quick peek
182
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,986
just to make sure
it's all going okay?
183
00:07:46,030 --> 00:07:47,379
That wouldn't be
too crazy, right?
184
00:07:47,422 --> 00:07:50,077
-No. I'll come,
too. Moral support.
185
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,079
Plus, I can tell
people I was on a date.
186
00:07:56,127 --> 00:07:57,931
-Okay, I just real quick
want to get eyes on him,
187
00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,522
and then we'll be on our way.
188
00:07:59,565 --> 00:08:01,567
-Hey, hey, Mr. Neil!
189
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:04,744
Well, she showed up this
time. Congratulations.
190
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,877
-Oh, no, she's my boss.
191
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,358
-Ah, that makes more sense.
I'll go get your soup.
192
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:13,405
-Oh! There he is.
193
00:08:13,448 --> 00:08:16,103
Oh, no. He's alone.
He got stood up.
194
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:18,628
Okay, this was a bad
idea. We should go.
195
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:23,937
-Oh! Dan's here!
196
00:08:23,981 --> 00:08:25,417
Hi, Dan.
197
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:33,556
- What are you doing here?
- It's a funny story.
198
00:08:33,599 --> 00:08:35,818
So, uh, Neil wanted soup,
199
00:08:35,861 --> 00:08:37,515
and then we knocked
over that tray,
200
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,823
and now you're mad at us.
201
00:08:40,866 --> 00:08:42,173
I'm so sorry.
202
00:08:42,216 --> 00:08:43,536
Julianne stood you
up, didn't she?
203
00:08:43,566 --> 00:08:45,829
-Yes, she did.
204
00:08:45,872 --> 00:08:49,572
Turns out she never liked
me, I guess, and... oh.
205
00:08:49,615 --> 00:08:51,269
Ugh. Too much work.
206
00:08:51,312 --> 00:08:52,792
I never sent her a text.
207
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:54,422
-What the nuts, Dan?
You didn't have to lie.
208
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,056
It's fine if you
didn't like her.
209
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,540
-No, it's not that
I didn't like her.
210
00:08:57,580 --> 00:09:00,234
I actually found her
rather captivating.
211
00:09:00,278 --> 00:09:02,062
All right, look,
if you must know,
212
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,866
I actually did write her a text
inviting her here to dinner.
213
00:09:03,890 --> 00:09:07,111
I just never got
to the send part.
214
00:09:07,154 --> 00:09:09,679
That's how these things start...
With send, and then dinner,
215
00:09:09,722 --> 00:09:11,202
then a second dinner,
216
00:09:11,245 --> 00:09:12,658
and then all of a
sudden it's Thanksgiving
217
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:14,007
and you find yourself
duking it out
218
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:15,356
with her half-Turkish
brother-in-law
219
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:17,164
over American policy
in the Balkans,
220
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:18,862
and why in that
particular scenario
221
00:09:18,905 --> 00:09:20,404
I have such strong
opinions about that,
222
00:09:20,428 --> 00:09:22,648
I don't know, but I do.
223
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:25,085
-The point is,
224
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:26,913
I understand that
this could be scary,
225
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:28,523
but if you don't at least try,
226
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:30,917
you could be missing out on
something really special.
227
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:33,528
You could take it
as slow as you want.
228
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:38,185
-I'm sorry. I sent the text.
229
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:39,665
What Abby said got to me.
230
00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:41,754
I can't watch you be
alone anymore, Dan.
231
00:09:43,930 --> 00:09:46,541
-Don't worry, it's not like
she's gonna run on over here.
232
00:09:48,456 --> 00:09:50,415
-Says she'll be here
in five minutes.
233
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:55,681
-Ah! I can't believe
this has been
234
00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:57,552
hidden here this whole time.
235
00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,119
Why do you think
it was boarded up?
236
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,706
-Well, my guess is this
is where they used to
237
00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:02,688
prosecute all those witches.
238
00:10:02,732 --> 00:10:04,864
You know, New York City
in the '70s was crazy.
239
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,389
-This is perfect.
240
00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:10,174
No one's gonna bother me here.
241
00:10:10,217 --> 00:10:13,699
-You know, I have to share an
office with nine other bailiffs.
242
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:17,442
Sure would be nice to
have a place like this.
243
00:10:17,485 --> 00:10:20,532
-Um, seeing as you found it,
244
00:10:20,575 --> 00:10:22,229
I-I-I guess we could share.
245
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:24,710
- Oh! I could never...
- Right?
246
00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:27,408
- say no to an offer like
that, so absolutely yes!
247
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:31,456
-Good. That's what I wanted,
248
00:10:31,499 --> 00:10:34,111
yeah, and therefore why I asked.
249
00:10:34,154 --> 00:10:35,808
-We're gonna be office buddies.
250
00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,897
We can finally get to
know each other better.
251
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,769
First thing to know about me...
252
00:10:39,812 --> 00:10:42,597
I love a Crockpot, because you
can just set it and forget it.
253
00:10:42,641 --> 00:10:45,078
Oh, no! My stew!
254
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:50,127
-Hey, do you want us to stay?
255
00:10:50,170 --> 00:10:52,738
It might keep things
from being uncomfortable.
256
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:55,654
It'll just be
really, really weird.
257
00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:56,960
-No, it's okay.
258
00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:59,440
You guys can leave, um...
259
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,660
Sure, it's been 27 years
since I was on a date,
260
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,444
but it's just dinner.
261
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:05,577
One thing hasn't changed...
I am Dan Fielding,
262
00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:08,667
a man renowned for his
charm and grace and...
263
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,234
Oh, my God, she's here.
264
00:11:10,277 --> 00:11:11,670
Ohh! She's wearing a scarf.
265
00:11:11,714 --> 00:11:13,019
Oh, you're staying. Get down.
266
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:16,631
Get down. Get down.
You're staying.
267
00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:19,373
-Don't I know you
from somewhere?
268
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:21,375
-Hello, sailor.
269
00:11:22,550 --> 00:11:25,031
-Uh, hi. I'm Abby.
270
00:11:25,075 --> 00:11:27,120
- Oh, hello.
- Hi. And this is Neil.
271
00:11:27,164 --> 00:11:28,600
- Hi.
- Hi.
272
00:11:28,643 --> 00:11:29,969
-The three of us were
having a group hang,
273
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,777
and Dan had the great idea
274
00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:34,301
to invite the charming
woman he met the other day.
275
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:36,651
-Well, I'm glad she couldn't
make it and you asked me.
276
00:11:36,695 --> 00:11:38,741
-No, no, we mean you.
277
00:11:38,784 --> 00:11:41,134
She means you. Why did
you say it like that?
278
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:45,748
- Why don't you have a seat?
- All right.
279
00:11:45,791 --> 00:11:48,272
-Oh, yes.
280
00:11:48,315 --> 00:11:50,665
-Ah, I love this place.
281
00:11:50,708 --> 00:11:53,712
You know, the minestrone
here is incredible.
282
00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,628
This one's a keeper.
283
00:11:56,671 --> 00:11:59,239
-I've never been a fan of soup.
284
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,589
It's sort of like hot juice.
285
00:12:05,593 --> 00:12:08,074
-So, Julianne,
where are you from?
286
00:12:08,118 --> 00:12:09,902
-Uh, well, I-I grew
up on Staten Island,
287
00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:13,036
but when I was 12, my parents...
- Oop! Trivia!
288
00:12:13,079 --> 00:12:16,256
Do you know that New York and
New Jersey had a boat race...
289
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:20,826
... to decide who
would incorporate Staten Island?
290
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:22,349
-Really? Huh.
291
00:12:22,393 --> 00:12:23,786
You know, I never heard that.
292
00:12:23,829 --> 00:12:25,831
- You calling me a liar?
- What?
293
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:28,529
- Ha, ha! This guy!
- Whoa!
294
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:30,270
-Dan, I'm sorry. I'm so clumsy.
295
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:31,813
Why don't you go to the
bathroom and dry off?
296
00:12:31,837 --> 00:12:33,317
- What the?
- And Neil, go with him.
297
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,145
Calm him down.
- Okay, but I'm also gonna pee
298
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,189
while I'm in there.
299
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:38,148
-Why would you tell me that?
300
00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:41,673
I'm sorry about Dan.
301
00:12:41,716 --> 00:12:44,981
I promise he's usually more
grumpy than he is insane.
302
00:12:45,024 --> 00:12:47,200
He's just nervous because
he really likes you.
303
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:49,115
-He's got nothing
to be nervous about.
304
00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:51,180
You know, it's not like I'm
looking for something serious.
305
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:52,945
I just want to
have a little fun.
306
00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:54,686
-Ah, fun.
307
00:12:54,729 --> 00:12:56,993
Fun like someone
to go bowling with?
308
00:12:57,036 --> 00:13:00,692
- No, like a fling.
- Right, a fling.
309
00:13:00,735 --> 00:13:02,868
Like an emotional
fling where you support
310
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,523
the other's inner life and
embrace each other spiritually?
311
00:13:05,566 --> 00:13:08,656
-Like sex, Abby. I'm
talking about sex.
312
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,267
-Sex like...
313
00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:13,226
Nope, no way to intentionally
misinterpret that.
314
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:15,925
Sex it is!
315
00:13:18,666 --> 00:13:19,885
- Oh.
- Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
316
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:21,582
-Oh, yes, I know,
it's going terribly,
317
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,889
but you didn't have to send
Neil to the bathroom with me.
318
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:27,937
He's still in there moving the
part in his hair back and forth.
319
00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:29,523
-I gotta tell you
something about Julianne.
320
00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:31,897
-Don't bother. You know
what? I'm going home.
321
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:34,987
I was clearly not ready
for a date with a person.
322
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,163
-Calling it a night is
probably a good idea.
323
00:13:37,207 --> 00:13:38,817
Julianne doesn't
want to go slow.
324
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,601
She wants to go
fast. Sex fast.
325
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:41,907
Let's just get out of here.
326
00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:43,319
-Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on there.
327
00:13:43,343 --> 00:13:46,216
Just give me a minute
to process this.
328
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,521
-What is there to process?
329
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,132
I don't think you're
ready for this.
330
00:13:49,175 --> 00:13:51,327
What are you gonna do... Go
home, turn down the lights,
331
00:13:51,351 --> 00:13:54,572
light some candles, and
yell boat facts at her?
332
00:13:54,615 --> 00:13:56,443
-I-I don't think I've
ever told a woman
333
00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:57,836
I don't want to have sex.
334
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,533
I don't even know
how that would sound.
335
00:13:59,577 --> 00:14:01,163
Hi, my name is Dan. I don't
want to see you naked.
336
00:14:01,187 --> 00:14:03,624
Ooh, that sounds wrong.
337
00:14:04,190 --> 00:14:06,279
-Before you jump into
anything, just take a minute.
338
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:08,064
Consider if an empty,
meaningless fling
339
00:14:08,107 --> 00:14:11,458
is really what you want.
340
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:12,982
-You're right.
341
00:14:13,025 --> 00:14:14,305
-Do you want to get out of here?
342
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:15,767
-Absolutely. Let
me get my things.
343
00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:20,815
-Oh, we're gonna have
so much fun in here.
344
00:14:20,859 --> 00:14:22,426
Okay, check it out...
345
00:14:22,469 --> 00:14:26,386
It's my Hot Mug Shot Guy
of the Month calendar.
346
00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:30,173
Who are you more excited
for, Cinco de Marco,
347
00:14:30,216 --> 00:14:33,089
or...
348
00:14:33,132 --> 00:14:36,657
Eight Nights of Shawnukkah?
349
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:38,833
-Gurgs, some of those
guys are legit murderers.
350
00:14:38,877 --> 00:14:40,811
-Well, I'm not picturing
myself on a beach in Aruba
351
00:14:40,835 --> 00:14:43,838
with their rap sheets.
352
00:14:43,882 --> 00:14:45,928
Besides, it's got all our
important dates on it...
353
00:14:45,971 --> 00:14:48,321
Our birthdays, our
officeiversary,
354
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:49,757
which is today,
355
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:53,152
our holiday
Christmas party.
356
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:54,588
-How about we just, you know,
357
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,416
hold off on the
calendar talk for now
358
00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,810
and maybe focus on getting
a little work done?
359
00:14:58,853 --> 00:15:00,464
-We couldn't be more
on the same page.
360
00:15:00,507 --> 00:15:02,074
I'm all about work, too.
361
00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:04,729
Actually, can I get your
opinion on something?
362
00:15:04,772 --> 00:15:06,992
Imagine you're in the courtroom,
363
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:08,733
people are milling about,
364
00:15:08,776 --> 00:15:11,475
and then I hit you
with, "All rise!"
365
00:15:12,867 --> 00:15:14,565
It's too much bass?
366
00:15:14,608 --> 00:15:17,046
Would you prefer
something more of a,
367
00:15:17,089 --> 00:15:19,309
"All rise"?
368
00:15:22,268 --> 00:15:25,141
-Well, I'm very sorry that
we had to stop at the bodega
369
00:15:25,184 --> 00:15:26,794
for the wine, but,
you know, I understand
370
00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:30,015
that this vintage of...
Kangaroo Fields Table Red
371
00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:33,018
is a very good year.
372
00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:36,021
Oh, I'm not
here for the wine, Dan.
373
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:39,807
-Oh, well, uhhhhh,
how 'bout a snack?
374
00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:42,723
You know, I bet that wine
would pair well with a...
375
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:46,162
A Cheeto, uh, or
Frito, of Dorito,
376
00:15:46,205 --> 00:15:48,816
any of the 'to
snacks. Tostito!
377
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:51,558
Ah, that has "to" on both ends.
378
00:15:53,299 --> 00:15:55,519
Uh, uh, do you like rain sticks?
379
00:16:01,046 --> 00:16:02,328
-How 'bout we move
to a different room
380
00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:03,744
with a different stick?
381
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:06,921
-Well, um, oh, you
know, I got this
382
00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:09,054
with my late wife, um, Sarah.
383
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,292
It was on our first
trip together.
384
00:16:10,316 --> 00:16:11,752
She wanted to, uh...
385
00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:14,233
She wanted to go
zip-lining in Costa Rica,
386
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,583
but I didn't want
to go to Costa Rica.
387
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:17,691
I mean, I didn't
want to go anywhere
388
00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:19,456
where I had to get a vaccination
389
00:16:19,499 --> 00:16:22,285
for something
called Turtle Fever.
390
00:16:22,328 --> 00:16:25,244
But I wanted to make her happy.
391
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,030
Before Sarah, I couldn't...
Couldn't imagine
392
00:16:28,073 --> 00:16:30,510
putting anyone's
needs ahead of mine,
393
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:32,991
but she changed me.
394
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:35,689
I mean, uh, the old me would
have been very much into this,
395
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:38,388
but, uh, I'm a
different man now.
396
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:39,669
I realize there's
more to life...
397
00:16:39,693 --> 00:16:41,869
-Oh, my God!
398
00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:44,046
Please stop talking.
399
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,875
Oh, you really know
how to take the fun
400
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:50,269
out of a revenge plot.
401
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,967
-I'm sorry, wait,
wait. Revenge plot?
402
00:16:53,011 --> 00:16:55,927
-Of course, you
don't remember me.
403
00:16:55,970 --> 00:16:57,798
You had the judge
throw the book at me
404
00:16:57,842 --> 00:17:02,368
for a little thing like setting
my ex-boyfriend's house on fire.
405
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,717
-Sorry, wait a minute.
406
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:05,042
This whole thing was
just to get back at me
407
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:06,806
for a case that
happened 30 years ago?
408
00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:09,506
-That's right. Now, I
have a whole revenge list.
409
00:17:09,549 --> 00:17:11,377
You're between my
ex-mother-in-law
410
00:17:11,420 --> 00:17:13,205
and Boost Mobile.
411
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:16,816
You know, I thought
I'd never find you.
412
00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:19,950
But then I saw your name
when I was back in court...
413
00:17:19,994 --> 00:17:22,867
Uh, different boyfriend,
different fire.
414
00:17:22,910 --> 00:17:24,956
-Sure. If it ain't broke...
415
00:17:24,998 --> 00:17:26,610
-I was gonna steal your identity
416
00:17:26,652 --> 00:17:28,699
and leave you a shell of a man,
417
00:17:28,742 --> 00:17:31,005
but you can't burn
a house down twice.
418
00:17:31,049 --> 00:17:34,183
Believe me, I've tried.
419
00:17:34,226 --> 00:17:35,706
Here's your wallet.
420
00:17:35,749 --> 00:17:38,665
And, uh, some advice...
421
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:41,712
Use that money for a shrink
or a pint of ice cream
422
00:17:41,755 --> 00:17:44,410
or something,
because youneed help.
423
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,893
And that's coming from
someone who has been diagnosed
424
00:17:48,936 --> 00:17:50,982
as criminally insane.
425
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,642
-This isn't my wallet.
426
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:08,086
-Gurgs, close the
tarp. We need to talk.
427
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,262
-Oh, no. Are you moving out?
428
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:14,179
-Yeah, I realize I'm not
really the office-sharing type.
429
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:15,876
You can have this place.
430
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,183
I'm gonna head down to the
solitary-confinement cell.
431
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:21,099
Could probably get a lot of work
done before the madness sets in.
432
00:18:22,361 --> 00:18:24,407
-No, you don't have to do
that. This is my fault.
433
00:18:24,450 --> 00:18:26,844
I came on too strong. I
should be the one to go.
434
00:18:26,887 --> 00:18:28,889
-Yeah, it's not you.
It's me, really.
435
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:31,936
I'm just uncomfortable
around people.
436
00:18:31,979 --> 00:18:33,894
-Makes it hard to
get to know you.
437
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,350
-Why would you want
to get to know me?
438
00:18:35,374 --> 00:18:37,159
-'Cause I like you.
439
00:18:37,202 --> 00:18:39,857
I thought this office would be
a chance to bring us closer.
440
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,467
But nothing was working.
441
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,556
I got in my head, and
my heart was pounding.
442
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,123
-And your mouth was doing things
443
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,231
even though your brain
kept yelling, "Stop!"
444
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:48,082
-Yes! I thought I was gonna die.
445
00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:50,060
-That's how I feel around
everyone all of the time!
446
00:18:50,084 --> 00:18:51,782
-Oh! We're bonding.
447
00:18:51,825 --> 00:18:54,219
-Are we work wives now?
448
00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:58,310
-Look at us, like two weird
ingredients in the perfect stew.
449
00:18:58,354 --> 00:18:59,746
Oh, no! My other stew!
450
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,879
-No, no, no, it's okay.
451
00:19:01,922 --> 00:19:03,533
I turned it off for you.
452
00:19:09,278 --> 00:19:11,105
-So what do you say?
453
00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:12,455
Give this another chance?
454
00:19:12,498 --> 00:19:14,239
-On one condition.
455
00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:16,285
You explain to me what
Nakatomi Plaza is.
456
00:19:16,328 --> 00:19:19,244
I thought
you'd never ask.
457
00:19:19,288 --> 00:19:22,073
When last we left
our young Die Hard,
458
00:19:22,116 --> 00:19:23,640
he was on a plane.
459
00:19:27,121 --> 00:19:29,254
-How'd it go? Nope,
not gonna ask.
460
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:30,666
It's not my business so
I don't wanna know...
461
00:19:30,690 --> 00:19:32,126
-Nothing happened.
462
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:34,520
-Thank you so much.
It was killing me.
463
00:19:34,564 --> 00:19:36,435
-Well, nothing in the
way that you're thinking,
464
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:40,047
but very much in the way
that I had a minor breakdown
465
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:41,571
and he tried to rob me.
466
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:46,184
But I foiled her devious
plan by being too sad.
467
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,578
-So, you gonna call her again?
468
00:19:49,883 --> 00:19:52,146
I'm sorry I got so involved.
469
00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:54,584
It's possible I may have
been living through you
470
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,151
since my entire
life is upstate...
471
00:19:57,195 --> 00:20:00,459
My friends, my fiancé, my cow.
472
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:04,376
-I know you paused after
cow wanting me to ask,
473
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,857
but I never will.
474
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:08,467
-That's too bad.
She's got a rough hide
475
00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:11,818
and a tender heart,
just like you.
476
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:14,299
I just wanted you
to find somebody.
477
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:16,997
Being alone seems kinda hard.
478
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,869
-Sometimes.
479
00:20:18,912 --> 00:20:21,350
But you know what made it easier
480
00:20:21,393 --> 00:20:25,005
when she turned out
to be a sociopath?
481
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:26,833
Knowing that if I
ever do want to talk,
482
00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:28,357
and I'm not saying
that I ever will,
483
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,447
but if I ever did, I
could imagine a possible,
484
00:20:31,490 --> 00:20:34,319
though veryunlikely scenario,
485
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:38,628
where I might choose
to talk... to you.
486
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:41,674
-Mm-hmm.
487
00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:43,110
-You may react.
488
00:20:43,154 --> 00:20:45,025
- Eee!
- Oh, don't.
489
00:20:46,853 --> 00:20:48,681
-Oh! I can't wait to dig in.
490
00:20:48,725 --> 00:20:50,248
Okay, first up... childhood.
491
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,468
Who's love did you crave,
your mom's or your dad's?
492
00:20:52,511 --> 00:20:57,124
-To be clear, this is
happening notime soon.
493
00:20:57,168 --> 00:20:59,388
- I'm getting dad.
- He was a very complicated ma...
494
00:20:59,431 --> 00:21:02,652
No! For right now, we
are just two people
495
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,218
who get to hate
496
00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:07,047
all of the un-lonely
people around us.
497
00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:09,311
-Yeah, like those two.
498
00:21:09,354 --> 00:21:10,877
Jerks.
499
00:21:10,921 --> 00:21:12,966
So annoying.
500
00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:15,795
Being all happy.
- Yuck.
501
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:17,841
It made you feel bad
saying that, didn't it?
502
00:21:17,884 --> 00:21:19,669
-Yeah, but I want
us to have a thing.
503
00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:21,540
-Ah.37883
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