Original subtitles

♪ All day, all night ♪

Junior: When it comes to dating, it used to be that all a guy

could hope for was a light peck on the first date.

But if there's one thing I've learned in my time at Cal U,

it's that hookup culture is real.

[ Screaming ]

Let's just say that the time until tip-off

is significantly shorter.

Less talking. Let's get these pants off.

Uh...

And I ain't mad at that.

Well, this has certainly been a lovely evening.

If you want, I can come up if you want to get down.

Um, I don't think I'm up for it tonight.

Oh, okay. That's cool.

We did have burritos.

All that sour cream.

No, it's not that.

I'm just having a -- a herpes flare-up.

Herpes? Mm-hmm.

Like, um -- Like "herpes" herpes?

Yeah.

You're not gonna freak out about this, are you?

Yes!

No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wow. Uh, I just feel like I would remember,

you know, you telling me last week

that you had herpes when we had sex.

Well, that's because when we hooked up,

I didn't have an outbreak and we used protection,

so the chances of you getting it were relatively small.

Relatively?

Girl, what are you, S-Sir Isaac Newton?

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I shouldn't have to.

I'm the one living with it, and we were safe.

Plus herpes, herpes, herpes.

[ Echoing ] Herpes, herpes, herpes, herpes, herpes, herpes,

herpes, herpes, herpes, herpes, herpes. [Bleep]

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'mma feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪ ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart beating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

Guys, I just got the worst news a guy can get.

Oh, you found out Batman isn't real?

Oh, your mom is mad at you!

Uh, no.

No, no.

Candice may have possibly exposed me to an STI.

[ Laughs ] That's hilarious.

I mean I'm so sorry to hear that.

Are you okay? I don't know.

My junk could possibly be a World Health Organization

hot zone for all I know.

Come on, man, it's not that big of a deal.

Just go get you a Z-Pak.

You know, you get the clap, gotta clap back.

Yeah, dude, just go to the health center,

ask for Nurse Tessa.

She is the second most popular girl at this school.

Yeah, uh, you know what's funny about that.

I don't know if, uh...

I don't know if the Z-Pak is gonna cover it.

She may have exposed me to herpes.

Oh! God is good.

Junior: Wait a second. Wait a second.

You guys just said it wasn't a big deal.

Zeke: I-I mean, it wasn't, when it was, you know,

your garden-variety chlamydias and gonorrheas,

but this is not the move.

[ Sighs ]

This is so unfair. [ Scoffs ]

I do everything right.

I'm responsible.

I wear condoms.

I think we are beyond whispering,

my little S-T-Diva.

Sure, they prevent some STIs, but they're not foolproof.

You know what is foolproof?

Please don't say Jesus.

The only way to not get an STD is to not S the D.

We knew what was coming.

That's my youth pastor always said.

You basically said Jesus.

Being responsible goes both ways, Junior.

You're awfully judgey for someone

who didn't even know his own status.

Okay, so it's cool that this girl is out here

tossing around herpes like free T-shirts at a Clippers game?

That's what I'm saying.

- Hey. - Right.

When you go for a ride on Splash Mountain,

sometimes you get wet.

Sploosh. Uh...

Honestly, all this just makes me happy that

Black people can't get cold sores.

No one take medical advice from him.

♪♪

Aaron W. Jackson.

You're a hard man to track down.

Oh, shit, are you -- are you from the FBI?

Okay, listen, I swear to you that the tweet

I posted about punching Clarence Thomas in the throat,

it was -- it was a joke.

Uh-huh. Purely.

Symone Andrews.

I run our panels for Diversity and Inclusion at Metaverse,

and your speech at headquarters last month

really sent shock waves through the company.

Mm. Thank you.

So you came all the way from Seattle to give me a compliment?

No, no, no. Um, I'm here because

I'd like to put you on another panel,

but you stopped responding to everyone's e-mails.

I mean, I'm starting to take this personally.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just not -- not interested.

Okay. Why?

Well, because the company that you work for builds profits

off the backs of working-class people

while also donating to political candidates

who essentially are destroying this country.

Okay, okay. Well, um, the school you work for

literally built its profits

off the backs of inmates at San Quentin, so...

Right. Well, that's why --

I mean, I organized the orange jumpsuit demonstration.

Yeah, but you still took the job here.

Because just like me, you realize that the best way

to effect change is from the inside.

So, how about this?

Meet me here tomorrow,

and if what I have to show you doesn't change your mind,

then I promise I'll stop stalking you.

Yeah.

Hmm.

♪♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Annika: [ Scoffs ] Junior. Who needs men anyway?

I got this.

♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah ♪

♪ Love it when you... ♪ [ Blows ]

♪ I believe the time has come, let's get weird ♪

Let's do this.

♪ Let's get weird ♪

[ Vibrating ]

Is your...temperature rising?

[ Sighs ] No, that's not right.

You look like you need to be hosed down.

Nope, really dry over here.

I'm just an emotionally available guy

who goes to therapy.

Ugh! What's wrong with me?

♪♪

After a good night's sleep and a deep dive on WebMD,

I was pretty sure I didn't have herpes.

But possibly a tilted uterus?

Oh, no!

Oh, my God! Was that there before?

That wasn't there before.

Oh!

I think I need a second opinion.

Doug: Hmm.

It was either this or calling my mom,

and I might've made the wrong choice.

Huh. Interesting.

If you think about it, Aaron's probably gonna be

my brother-in-law one day,

and Doug, he was just here.

It just looks like a mild razor burn to me.

What do you think?

Unless you're chafing. Are you a chafer?

Come on, guys, I need to know.

Okay?

I have never played this game before.

Like Frisbee golf.

Wait. Why are you even coming to us for this?

Great question. Your mom is a doctor.

Why isn't she doing this?

I just got a little nervous.

I haven't gotten my test results back yet.

Hmm. Wait, you already got tested?

I just thought you didn't have insurance.

What are bros for?

Literally anything else but this.

Not that. [ Cellphone vibrates ]

Uh, Candice is checking in to see if I'm free tonight.

Don't even answer that. Don't do it.

Okay, okay, a little harsh, but I think he's right.

I think ghosting is an appropriate move

in this particular situation.

Guys, are you kidding me?

What other girl is gonna be down if I do have it?

Hmm. We're basically together.

It's like Candice locked me down with a kid,

except my herpes aren't gonna grow up to become president.

I wouldn't sweat it.

Bro, I mean, yes, you're benched right now,

but once you're cleared for play,

you're gonna be back -- wa-ow! --

sinking threes.

Swish.

Thanks.

Yeah.

[ Claps hands ]

[ Clicks tongue, smacks lips ]

[ Humming ]

Well...

it's a little awkward now.

Yeah. Um...

I guess I should leave before it gets worse.

Yeah. I didn't want to say it. Yeah, okay.

Well, gentlemen, I, uh -- I bid you adieu.

I made it worse, didn't I?

Yeah, you did. Yeah.

Okay.

Just leave, please.

[ Door opens, closes ] Somehow, I blame Zoey for this.

Okay.

I'm gonna grab a few more of these.

Hi, how you doing?

Oh!

You know, I wasn't sure you were gonna show.

Neither was I.

Okay. What is all this?

Oh, well, this is your next few hours.

We're gonna put a little good into the world.

Oh.

You're full of surprises.

Just you wait. Alright.

'Cause, um, surprise number one, surprise number two.

I got you.

Hey.

Oh, what's up with you?

Okay, damn.

I am so frustrated.

Nothing is working.

I've tried everything,

but I think my spank bank is overdrawn.

Well, maybe you need a new visual aid.

I find the Old Spice commercials

or Jake from State Farm really do the trick.

Okay, stop. Khakis?

No, what she needs is porn.

Hear me clearly.

SmutPile.net, okay?

Search -- Search "woke girl gets pounded."

Lauryn: Oh, my God.

Sometimes I wonder if I should've gone

to a Christian university.

Okay, I'm not a porcelain doll like Lauryn, but that shook me.

It's categories like that that make me not want

to watch porn in the first place.

Most of it is just a misogynist haunted house.

I don't need my fantasies to be politically correct.

It's just --

You know, it's called role play for a reason.

You watch something nasty. It's -- It's like junk food.

Zaara: But it doesn't have to be.

You could go farm-to-table with it.

If you're willing to pay, there's a lot of really

awesome stuff out there --

hard-core, feminist, POC action made by and for women.

I'm an ally, but no thanks.

Still, I need to figure this out because I am dangerously close

to hooking up with a random guy just to get off.

[ Clears throat ]

No, Lon.

Zaara: Forget Lon.

You just need to find what works for you.

I don't know what the problem is.

Maybe my vagina's broken.

Maybe it's not your vagina. Maybe it's your heart.

They are two sides of the same coin.

You know what it? [Bleep] it.

Kiela, what's the name of that website

that you were talking about?

Smutpile.com?

No, no, no, no, it's Smutpile.net.

You do not want to go to Smutpile.com.

It's just -- That place gets dark, so...

Lauryn: Well, you know what always works for me?

The basic-cable version of "Magic Mike."

Straight people are a disease.

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

What's up, my man?

Got some stuff for ya.

Alright. You have a good one. Thank you.

Whew.

Can you believe that?

Can't believe we fed -- what? --

like ninety-- 98 families today.

I mean, it would've been 99,

but that vegan family caught us slipping.

Man, I haven't done stuff like this since my mom

used to make me volunteer at the women's center

every time I left the toilet seat up.

You know everything we did today

came from Metaverse corporate responsibility.

Oh, did it? Metaverse?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Look, I just wanted you to see that there's many ways

to make change.

I mean, sure, but come on, this cost the company

less than one private jet, and they only do it to look good

so that people will pipe down about the billions of dollars

that they are dodging in taxes every year.

You're right, you're right.

But, um, what feels better?

Being right or helping people, huh?

It's not like that.

Okay, let me just tell you how I used to feel.

I was working for Black Lives Matter and eventually --

Wait, wait, wait, what?

You -- You worked for Black Lives Matter?

Yeah.

I used to work with the Kansas City chapter.

I mean, after Ferguson, I knew I had to take action, so.

Uh, no offense.

You don't look like the type to hold a megaphone.

Oh, whoa, okay, don't let the high heels fool you.

I get down. Oh, you get down?

Yes. Alright.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

You -- You left BLM, Black Lives Matter...

Mm-hmm.

...to go to Metaverse?

Yeah. Why?

Because I found a way to use this company's massive name

and resources to actually do something good.

Hmm. Okay.

I guess we actually have more in common than I thought.

Exactly.

Which is why I wanted to bring you on to our team

to do a series of talks with our C-level executives.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they need to understand

that diversity can improve not only our communities

but our profit margins, too, you know?

Yes, yes, I hear you,

I totally hear you, but I just --

I don't -- Hey, hey, okay.

Look, I really respect you,

which is why I want to work together,

but I don't want you to do anything

that you're not comfortable with,

so how about you think about it?

For me.

Hmm?

Okay. Okay.

I'll think about it for you.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

Oh, God.

Oh, God, oh, God!

My test results came in.

Oh, wow!

I have not been this nervous about a test

since the Sorting Hat.

Will you hold my hand?

[ Sighs ] I am begging you

to honor the boundaries we discussed.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

Yes! Oh! Yes!

Wow!

I am cleaner than the pee that Zeke buys

to pass his drug tests.

I'm glad your test came back negative,

but you don't need to act like you are not the father.

Oh, I could handle a kid.

This is a bigger deal.

What?

I have a right to be happy about this.

I am not radioactive.

Do you hear yourself?

What if you had herpes?

Would that make you undateable?

I mean...

Junior.

You didn't even get to know this girl before you canceled her.

Why not slow down on the smash-and-dash

and just enjoy the meal?

You know, maybe you're right.

I'm always right.

Candice is cool.

She's funny.

She's hot.

Maybe I should give this a real chance.

♪♪

[ Cellphone swooshes ]

[ Door opens ]

Where you been?

Eww!

Why you smell like government cheese?

One of the execs from Metaverse tracked me down,

tricked me into doing manual labor for the last four hours.

That's giving slavery, my guy.

It's actually the most fun I've had in -- in a while, dude.

Mm.

Plus, Symone, the, uh -- the exec, she's dope, man.

She's driven, she's smart.

She's interesting, not afraid to call me out on my shit.

Hmm. Okay. Yeah.

You know, I-I wonder how Zoey would feel about this smart,

interesting, not afraid to call you out on your shit female.

It's not like that. Oh.

I promise. We -- We just --

We got a lot in common is all. We argued about, uh,

who had bigger influence in South Africa.

We know Zoey's definitely not the "chop it up about

South Africa" kind of girl.

That's not Zoey.

Nah, nah, she is not.

She, uh -- She thinks Desmond Tutu is a fashion house.

Okay.

♪♪

Don't "okay" me like that, man.

Okay. Dude, for real, alright?

Everything is good.

One afternoon of me passing out Bush's Baked Beans

is not gonna undo everything I've built with Zoey.

Just some charity work.

Okay.

Alright.

Normally when Candace and I get together,

we're on a fast track to smash town

but tonight, we're taking the scenic route

and actually getting to know each other.

Ooh, season two of "Blind, Drunk Love" is out.

Should we watch that?

Hmm, yeah, I'm not really a reality-TV type of person.

Oh, okay.

Um, what about a movie?

Hmm, the cult classic "Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again"!

Is that a musical? Yeah.

I actually don't like music, so...

Okay.

Uh, so what would you like to watch?

Oh, I don't care. You choose. I'm not picky.

♪♪

It's a little chilly in here.

Oh, I got you.

♪♪

Here you go.

Was this ethically made? I don't know.

Actually would you mind just, um, turning off the A/C?

Sure, yeah, I will cross

right past you to get to the thermostat.

Oh, I know you like taking care of me.

I do.

And I expect to be treated a certain way.

My guru Kimberly has really had me working on my boundaries.

Mm-hmm.

And hey, I'm not saying I want you to treat me like a princess,

but princess princess princess.

Princess princess princess, princess princess,

princess princess, princess princess, princess.

[Quietly] Please help me.

Alright, my guy.

Aaron: Thank you. Got you.

Trying to stay on the diet, man.

I just --

It all -- It all goes there.

I need a beer.

Oh, you tested positive? No.

But just so you know, Mario does not give an accurate

representation of what it is like to date a princess.

What?

I went out with Candice again, and it was trash.

Candice the walking Petri dish we told you to ghost?

Yes, sir.

But I decided that you two were idiots

and that I wanted to get to know her a little bit better,

but I didn't like what I found.

I mean, but who doesn't like music?

She doesn't like music?

Does she have herpes on her soul?

I wouldn't trust her.

Yeah, but, bro, it's not that deep.

You have plenty of other girls to vibe with.

It's fine.

Yeah, plenty of other girls I've been hooking up with,

but nobody that I've really had a connection with recently.

I guess if I -- if I got herpes because I was with somebody

that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, then so be it,

but I've not been trying to find someone

that I'm trying to spend the rest of my life with.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

Just not cut out for the savage life.

No, no, no, no, no, alright?

We do not retire from the game before the fourth quarter.

No, seriously, Doug, when -- when were you happier?

When you were single, out there playing the field,

or when you were with Jazz?

Yeah, you know what? He's right.

Intimacy isn't just about the physical.

Zoey is my boo but she's also my best friend,

which is why it works.

Exactly.

But I blew it with Annika because I thought it was

more important to live that player life

while I still could.

♪♪

When you're young, people always say

not to take relationships too seriously.

"Just have fun."

But that doesn't work for everyone.

[ Woman moaning ]

Hey, Annika. Junior!

You can't just walk into people's rooms like that.

What if I'd been -- What if you'd been what?

♪♪

[ Buzzing ]

[ Moans ]

Oh, shit!

[ Buzzing stops ]

♪ You, you, you ♪

And sometimes you can't control what you want

or who.

♪ You, you ♪

[ Cellphone swooshes ]

♪ I've been thinking 'bout you ♪

♪ You, you ♪

Sometimes, despite our best efforts,

you realize you were looking

for something more than a casual hookup.

♪ I've been waiting for you ♪

♪ You, you ♪

♪ I'll always be there... ♪

And that something more could be right in front of you

if you just open your eyes.

♪ I'll be waiting for you ♪

Yo, I have some serious dental health notes.

Ugh, smells like a rotten protein shake.

Mm.

I mean, it's just -- it's just a lip pimple, though, right?

Zeke.

My friend.

You officially have oral herpes.

Maybe stop taking medical advice from your dad.

Dude is such a liar!

I always knew Grandma was white.

Yeah, that's the takeaway here.

But, guys, a herpes diagnosis is not the end of the world.

With proper treatment, herpes herpes herpes herpes.

Herpes herpes, herpes herpes, herpes, herpes herpes.

You know what I mean?

I mean, I just thought she was really light-skinned.

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