All language subtitles for Cedar.Rapids.2011.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

TIM: One of the reasons
I love Brown Valley so much,

is that when you do business here,

chances are good you know the
person you're dealing with.

They're a neighbor or a friend
or a friend of a friend.

And you can trust them because
they're part of a community.

If there is a bad egg around,
people find out pretty fast.

This is why BrownStar Insurance
has prospered for 25 years.

We always do right
by our customers.

(SIGHING) Kurt, Pam,

this policy's gonna
save you $400 a year,

and it covers
everything you need.

Down the road, you win the
lottery, come back on in here,

and I'll sell you the
spendiest policy we got.

Seriously, guys, I'm
gonna take care of you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello, Mrs. Vanderhei.

It's Macy, Tim.

I told you to call me Macy.

Sorry,
I keep forgetting.

It's a hard habit
to break.

Well, you better
get it right soon or

I'm gonna have to make
you stay after school.

(MACY MOANING)

MACY:
Bring it. Bring it.

(EXCLAIMING)

There you go.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

TIM: Do you realize I used
to just stare and stare at you

when you were teaching us about
the rainforests or whatever?

And I would think,

"I wonder what Mrs. V looks
like with her clothes off."

And then, boom, we run into
each other in line at True Value

and, boom, here we are, making love.

Like, once a week.

It's like it was fate
or something.

Did you ever used to look
at me and think dirty things?

You were 12.

Right.

I got you something.

(CHIRPING)

It's a scarlet tanager.
Mmm.

Like the birds you had
in your classroom.

That's very sweet.
Thank you.

Wait, wait.

Look on his wing.

MACY: Hmm.

Isn't that pretty?
Is that a...

It's a promise ring.

Promising what?

Well... (CHUCKLES)

We're just having
a good time here.

No, we're not. We're
having the best time.

Hi, I'm Roger Lemke.

At BrownStar Insurance,
we endeavor to give you

the coverage you need
at the best prices around.

It's the reason that BrownStar
Insurance has been awarded

the prestigious
Two Diamond Award

from the American Society
of Mutual Insurers

for three years running.

Because at
BrownStar Insurance,

we insure your dreams.

(ALL CHEERING)
Holy Christmas!

You knocked her
out of the park.

You knocked it out
of the G-D park, buddy!

I'm just a pretty face.
That copy was all you, Bill.

Well, I...

I do have one gripe
with you, boss.

Mmm-hmm? If you'd waited
till after Cedar Rapids,

I could have won the Two Diamonds
for you four years running.

Four years!

How do you it, Roger?
(LAUGHING)

So proud of you, Roggie. Mmm...

TIM: Hey, Roger.

Tim Lippe! I didn't even see you there.

Oh, man.

Did you see it?

Yeah. You were
so awesome.

Oh! Thanks, buddy.
Thank you.

Super awesome. Just...

Hey, Roger.
(GIGGLES)

Watch your back,
Brad Pitt.

(LAUGHS)

ROGER: Thank you for
the kind words, buddy.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

TIM: Wow, cake.

Awesome.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Tim, it's Bill.

Hey, Bill.

He's gone!
Tim, he's gone.

(CRYING) Oh, God,
I can't believe it.

What?

It's Roger.

What are you... What
are you talking about?

Gwen found him
in the bathroom.

He had a belt tied around his neck.

Oh, my gosh.

He was
half naked, Tim.

Oh, jeez.

(WHIRRING)

BILL: All this time, Roger was
some kind of twisted deviant.

TIM: Bill, the way Roger
died was an accident.

BILL: (SCOFFS) Believe what you
want, but people are talking, Tim.

Commitment to God is a big
part of the Two Diamonds.

Big part.

Now, people are talking.

Hey, come here,
come here. Here you go.

This was Roger's Two
Diamonds presentation.

Yeah, and it's a guaranteed
Two Diamond winner.

And believe me,
I'd go myself,

but I'm locked in to my daughter's
wedding over in Gladstone

I got no flex.

What are you
saying, Bill?

I am saying, you need to go down there

and give this
presentation, Tim.

I can't go
to Cedar Rapids.

You can't... You don't want
to send me to Cedar Rapids.

All right, listen to me,
you were what, 16,

when I gave you
that filing job

right after
your mom passed?

You were living on your own,
pretty much. All by yourself.

And I'm thinking, "Now, here's
a kid who's gonna go places."

And then somehow,
you just didn't.

I can't.
You're all I got, kid.

I need you to go down there and
prove that BrownStar is a good outfit,

an upstanding goddamn
Christian outfit.

Now, the only thing you have
to worry about getting good with

is Orin Helgesson.

He's the president.

He's the final decider
on the Two Diamonds.

So, near the end
of the weekend,

you're gonna sit down
one-on-one with him in his suite

and deliver
that presentation.

He needs to be convinced that
we're still worthy of that award.

If we don't fix this, our
clients will leave us, Tim.

And we'll all be out
in the street.

Farmers are confronted with
an unpredictable risk-filled...

Unpredictable world of
risk-filled uncertainty.

TIM: Cedar Rapids.
MACY: Cedar Rapids.

I can't believe that I'm actually
going. But I gotta do it, right?

I mean, it's not
just my job.

Six other people's entire
livelihoods depend on this.

Plus Carol, who does
part-time seasonal work, so...

You'll be fine.

Hey, Charlie.
Tim, what's up?

I'm going down to Cedar Rapids
for the big ASMI convention.

Oh, good. Good.

You can keep that for
now. (CLEARS THROAT)

So all liquids, gels, aerosols
must be placed in a Ziploc,

and then your computer, we take out of
the case and run through the machine.

(SNICKERS)

It's just me.

Yeah, we gotta do it
for everybody, so...

Tim!

Oh, praise Christ
you haven't left yet.

Hey, Bill.

(PANTING) Hey.

I can't believe I forgot
to give this to you.

It's an ASMI bible.
All right?

Lt'll tell you who to
talk to and who to avoid,

who best to fellowship
with, network, you know.

Dean Ziegler, Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

Ziegler.

You know that son of bitch called
one of Lemke's biggest clients,

Joyce Armbruster?

Smeared Roger's name.
Freaking goddang poacher.

Avoid Ziegler like the plague, please.

Now, Ronald Wilkes, the
guy I got you rooming with,

that's who I want you to stick by. Okay.

All right? All right,
then, come here. Come on.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Well, you lucky ducks have
obviously been seated in an exit row.

I just need to make sure you're
willing and able to assist crew members

in the event of
an emergency evacuation.

I've actually never been
on an airplane before.

Well, you'll do awesome.

Well, if you do
need help, I'm in.

Thank you.

Oh, sweet.

Hey, man.
Can I bum a heater?

What's that now?

A cigarette?

(CHUCKLES)

No, sorry, I can't help you there.

Are you here for the convention? Yeah.

Yeah. Tim Lippe,
BrownStar Insurance.

Bree. I'm Bree.

Nice to meet you, Bree.

Old trade secret
for you.

If you keep smoking, your premiums
are gonna go through the roof.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks, Dr. Phil.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, instead of a heater,
how about butterscotch?

Nice.

Listen, Tim, if you wanna
party, you let me know.

I'm always around.

You got it.
Party hardy.

Nice chatting with you, Bree. See you.

Wow!

Checking in
with us, sir?

Yeah, I am. Pretty
excited about it, too.

All right.
Can I get your name?

Tim Lippe.

And we just need a credit
card for the incidentals.

Well, Trent, I was under the impression

that you honored
traveler's checks.

You bet. We just need to
make an imprint of the card,

just like I say,
for the incidentals.

Credit card?

All right.

It's standard.

Don't worry.
We are not gonna charge it.

No, see. Looks liked
you just charged it.

Just an imprint.

Okay.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Tim.

So I just did the whole check-in rigmarole,
and I'm on my way to my room.

Have you seen
the pool yet?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) It's incredible. I mean,
there's like palm trees and stuff.

And the whole place
smells like chlorine.

It's like I'm in Barbados
or somewhere.

Oh, here we are.
Mi casa.

Junior suite.
Hang on a second here.

Figure out how
this deal works.

The key is like
a stinking credit card.

(GASPS)

What is it? Tim?

There's an Afro-American
man standing in my room.

What's he doing?

He's smiling at me.

Oh, no.
Run for your life.

Are you Tim?
Tim Lippe?

I'm Ronald Wilkes.

Bill Krogstad said
we were gonna be roommates.

Tim, are you okay?

Does he speak your language? Yes.

He actually seems
pretty friendly

so I'm gonna call
you back later, okay?

You are Tim?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yes,
of course I am.

Just for a minute there,
I was like, "Whoa."

Okay.

You wanna come in and
take a look at the room?

Yeah, yeah.

Check out these digs.

Hey, look, Tim, the reason we
got the junior suite upgrade

is because
the hotel overbooked.

The point being, they were asking
folks to take on a third roommate

to consolidate space.

Now, to me, the savings
of adding a third guy

sounded like
a real positive.

If you got any qualms,
I hear you.

LNC. That's
"Loud and Clear."

Who would share...
Who would share beds?

That's a pull-out couch.

(LAUGHS)

This isn't
Woodstock, Tim.

I'm sure whoever it is
will be a straight shooter.

Janita, double stock
my mini bar, please.

1019, thank you.

Taco Bill,
back in the saddle.

Hey, Ned. Get some
honey on your stinger?

I love it.

So far, it's just the one
billboard north of St. Cloud.

But at the end of the day, it's NTS.

Not too shabby.

NTS. That's hilarious.

(HOWLING)

Ronald Wilkes, I presume. The Ronimal!

Give me some love,
my soul brother!

Turn down the volume,
Ziegler. You just got here.

What's the matter,
friend?

You've never seen a choco-vanilla
love sandwich before?

Wait till we start the butt fucking. No.

(ZIEGLER LAUGHS)

I'm just having fun.

Dean Ziegler, Stevens Point,
Wisconsin. Call me Deanzie.

Tim Lippe, from Brown Valley,
Wisconsin. BrownStar Insurance.

Oh, sure, yeah. Bill
Krogstad's joint right?

The Kroger!

That's what I call him.

Oh, shit.

I was so sorry to hear about
Lemke's passing up there.

That guy
was tits as a rep.

Yeah. Well, Roger was
just a super great man.

Amen on that. Yeah.

Real tragedy.

Well, I don't know
about you wing-nuts,

but the Deanzie
could use a drinksy.

What do you say we head straight
to Horizons for happy hour?

You get two-for-one
drinks, ten-cent wings,

all-you-care-to-eat
pussy buffet.

That line was unappealing
last year, Dean.

It remains so now.

Ronimal!

I'm gonna watch President
Helgesson's opening remarks.

Oh, God.
That smug fuck.

Helgesson's trying to turn
ASMI into a goddamn religion

with all this God
and morality bullshit.

All right, you ladies stay
here and do your nails.

But I'm going to Horizon's
where the action is, all right?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I'm Orin Helgesson,

your ASMI Midwest
Region Chapter President.

If you haven't picked up your
welcome kits yet, see Mike Pyle.

RONALD: Mike Pyle.

He owns the sixth largest Allstate
agency in the upper Midwest.

The guy's a shark.

I'm more worried
about this Ziegler guy.

I was specifically warned
to stay away from him.

Don't worry about him.
He's harmless.

I'd like to talk Two
Diamonds for a minute here.

The Two Diamond
Certificate of Excellence

is awarded every year

to the agency that best
exemplifies the ASMI decree

"to provide high
quality insurance,

"while maintaining commitment
to community, country and God."

We have a record number
of entries this year.

Over 50 agencies. So...

Did he say
50 agencies?

Yeah, it's gonna be
brutal this year.

(EXHALES)

Hey, come on. You're
gonna do fine. Relax.

Thanks.

Hey, baby girl.

MACY: Hey, Tim.
How's it going?

I'm in over my head.

You'll do fine. I'm putting
you on speaker, sweetie.

I just really wish
you had come with me.

Oh, no. This is your
thing. You'll do a good job.

Well, I gotta run
in a sec.

I'm meeting some folks
for fish at the Eagles.

I really miss you.

You'll do fine.

Thank you. I'll try.

I really miss you.

Okay, bye, honey.

I'll dream of you
in my heart.

You were
checking me out.

What?

I'm gonna have
to tell the hotel

there's some pervo
in fitness center

hitting on
innocent women.

What? Whoa! No.

I wasn't doing that.

I'm, like, pre-engaged
with somebody.

Unbelievable.

That poor woman should
know what you're up to.

I'm not up to anything.
I swear, I'm not...

Oh, man.

(LAUGHING)

I'm totally
messing with you.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I'm such a jerk.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, yeah.

Well, that's different.

I'm so sorry.
Joan Ostrowski-Fox.

Hi.
Hi.

Tim Lippe.
Hi, Mr. Lippe.

I'm in town for
the ASMI convention.

I'm here for ASMI, too. I'm
from "Oh, my God," Nebraska.

Omaha.
Yeah.

Well, I'm gross, so I will
bid you a farewell, Mr. Lippe.

Okay. See you at Horizon's tonight?

Yeah, I don't...
Well, maybe.

A girl can dream.

How are you doing?
Good.

Um...

I really enjoyed your speech,
President Helgesson.

Oh. You were in there.
Marvelous.

I don't think we've met.

Tim Lippe.

Down from Brown Valley,
Wisconsin, BrownStar Insurance.

Oh, boy. Tim,

I don't know what to say. I'm just...

We're all feeling it.

I'm so sorry
for the loss.

Yeah, it's been
really hard.

Come here, son.
Come here.

Now, Tim,
let me give you

a few extra drink coupons for Horizon's.

You go down there and fellowship and
network with your colleagues. Huh?

Thank you,
President Helgesson.

No, please. Orin.

Hey, Bree isn't it?

Yeah, the butterscotch
dude right?

Yeah.

That's me, Captain
Butterscotch. You guys want some?

Yeah.

Tim Lippe,
BrownStar Insurance.

Glen Lindstrom. Lindy.

Lindy Lindstrom.
Excellent to meet you.

What are you
guys up to?

Timbo!

Right here, roomie.

Party headquarters,
right here.

How's it going, Tim?

Hi, Ronald.

Dean?

Come on.
Call me Deanzie.

What can I get you?

Do you have root beer?

You want a nipple
on that?

Ha-ha. No.

The sooner you learn to ignore this
degenerate, Tim, the better off you'll be.

Degenerate!
I love it! That's me!

Okay, Big Time Tim,

what exactly are you looking
for, pussy-wise, in Cedar Crapids?

Nothing, actually.

What? Why are you showing
me a picture of your mom?

She's hot.
No offense.

She's not my mom. Okay?

She's my girlfriend, and
we're basically pre-engaged.

Whoa, whoa. My bad.
Beautiful woman, in any case.

Wait a minute,
what's "pre-engaged"?

'Cause if I was
"pre-engaged,"

I will be pre-porking
anything with a pulse.

Where's your moral compass,
Ziegler? You're married yourself.

Was married,
Ronald. Was.

Oh, jeez, you and Patti split up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

She's an asshole.
Ass-fucking-hole.

Seventeen years of marriage,
straight down the shitter.

Lucky if one of
them was decent.

What was I talking about?
Who wants to get wasted!

Choo-choo!

JOAN: Hubba-hubba,
check out those studs!

Whoo!
Joan Ostrowski-Fox.

Oh, Ron Ronald,
you look Rontastic.

This one.
Oh, I could just

squeeze you to death,
you little firecracker!

ZIEGLER: How are you sweetheart?

Oh, so good.

Oh, Lippe.
My lippies are sealed.

You know this guy?

Oh, that's right.
From the fitness center.

Yeah. I was really naughty
with you down there.

I'm really sorry, Tim.

Oh, no. She's not.
Oh, no. I'm not.

(LAUGHS)

Shots. Let's do it.
What do you want guys?

Jäger time.
Jäger for me.

Twist my arm. Drambuie.

JOAN: Lippe?
I'm a non-drinker.

Oh, that's a bummer.

Timbo, you gotta strap
on a set of gords.

JOAN: Yeah.
All right?

Come on,
one won't kill you.

Jeez, okay.

If you guys are
gonna beat me up...

Cream sherry.

Cream sherry?
You're insane.

(LAUGHING)

That's the craziest thing
I've ever heard.

This one's weird.

ZIEGLER:
Ready? Here we go.

(COUNTING IN GERMAN)

In your hole!

(WHOOPING)

You be careful not to get
too loaded there, Lippe.

I might have to take
advantage of you.

Hey. Excuse me.

Come on,
I'm just razzing.

Cut it out!

You know what?
It's been a long day.

Oh, come on,
Timbo. Relax.

Come on, I didn't mean anything by it.

Good night.

You can squeeze
my ass, Joan.

Ouch!

The government
currently subsidizes

$935 million worth of
insurance policies...

I'm in here!
I'm in here...

I know, I know. This
needs to be private.

Listen...

Whoa!

Something really didn't
agree with you, huh?

Yeah, I had... I think
it was tainted yogurt.

Listen, meet me in
the stair... (EXHALES)

Meet me in the stairwell
in five minutes. All right?

Pinch it off,
it's important.

Jesus Christ.

(COUGHS)

Psst!

(SOFTLY) Timbo.

We gotta talk.

What? What is going on?

After you left, I found
out some serious shit.

There is a petition
going around

trying to take away your
company's Two Diamond Awards.

What?

They're saying Lemke's sexual
peccadilloes were not godly,

quote unquote.

Somebody passed it to me, and I'm like,

"Look, Lemke might have
been a class-A deviant,

"but what the fuck does that have
to do with selling insurance?"

Pardon my French, Dean, but you
are completely full of bullroar.

My boss, Bill Krogstad, told me
that you called Joyce Armbruster

and smeared
Roger's name.

No, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Timbo.
That old whore called me.

She's going on about
how Lemke's a pervert

and she wanted to take
her business elsewhere.

So I says, "All right, I'll
crunch some numbers for you."

Well, she calls me back
later that same day

saying how she got Krogstad
to lower her premiums,

which is exactly what the greasy
twat wanted in the first place.

So, you didn't call her?

Tim.

Look, I might be
a lot of things,

but a poacher
ain't one of them.

And I'm proud of that.

You saw this petition?

Yeah, I saw it.
I didn't sign it.

I said,
"You guys are pussies."

This is terrible.

'Cause the way that Roger
died was an accident.

Look, Lemke
could have died

cornholing a crippled
kid for all I care.

Not really, of course.

My sister's got one.
Down's.

Sad.

Point being, selling
insurance is a business.

It's not a goddamn
Boy Scout troop.

So there's
the scuttlebutt.

Deal with it
the way you want.

(RONALD SNORING)

(ZIEGLER SIGHS)

And we thank you, Lord.

We are grateful for the bounty
you provide us this breakfast time.

I am so hung over
right now.

The variety
and the volume...

Big time beer shits
this morning.

...Lord Jesus,
our truth. Amen.

Amen. Say that again.

I thought Pyle did a nice job, Ziegler.

What's wrong
with you, Timbo?

You're like a gloomy Gus this morning.

Come on,
leave him alone.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

If it's my ex-wife,
I'm not here.

I'm pretty sure
it's not your ex-wife.

It's my boss.
I have to take this.

Tell The Kroger
I said, "Hey."

Hello.
BILL: Tim.

I got a call from
Orin Helgesson.

He tells me
he's worried about you.

Tells me you're palling
around with Dean Ziegler.

Laughing at his jokes,
buying him drinks.

No, Bill. That's...

What's the one thing?

I said, "Steer clear
of Dean Ziegler."

Bill,
that Dean Ziegler...

No, it is
Orin's sworn enemy.

He told me that there is
a petition going around

to take away our
Two Diamond Awards.

What? All right, who the
Christ signed that, huh?

Who the Christ signed that?
God damn it.

God damn it.
God damn it!

Bill, I'll handle it.
You can count on me.

You just worry about your goddamn
presentation tomorrow, Tim,

and stop
fucking around!

I'll handle it.

You take care
of it, Lippe.

I swear, I only smoke in Cedar Rapids.

Jeez, what's wrong?

I don't know,
like, everything.

So how did you get involved
in the insurance game, Lippe?

Oh, God.
"Insurance game."

Look here, see, how did you get
involved in the insurance game?

You're freaky.

Thank you.

(BOTH LAUGH)

It's kind of a weird story, actually.

I lost my dad in a sawmill
accident when I was six years old.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

But the insurance agent fought
like a tiger with the sawmill

to make sure my mom and I were
taken care of, and we were.

And I remember thinking,
when I was kid,

I was just like,
"This guy is a hero."

I gotta say, I think
insurance agents get a bum rap.

You know?

Like this river, the Cedar River,
flooded a couple of years ago.

A whole city.
I know. I remember.

It was
a massive disaster.

Massive disaster, billions
of dollars in damage,

and who do you think
was in the trenches

trying to get people's
lives back in order?

It was insurance agents.

Not all of them, but a lot
of them worked really hard

to get people's lives
back on track.

Do you realize you just made it sound
cool to be an insurance salesman?

You are a hero, Lippe.

(CHUCKLES) Shut up.

Come on,
we should get back.

No, I can tell.

You're the Superman type.

Kind of dweeby
on the outside

but a real frigging
stud underneath.

Yeah, dweeby, okay.

They call you
Insurance Man

and put a big red "l"
on your chest.

Cool.

Well, even if you are totally
full of it, which you clearly are,

it's still a nice thing to
say, and I appreciate it.

You're welcome.

For crying out loud, Dean, you
say the same thing every year!

Because you think
you're the Pope, Orin.

And you're not
the fucking Pope.

And ASMI
is not a church.

There is a separation between
religion and insurance.

It's in
the constitution.

Oh, good grief.

You gotta admire
Ziegler's style of debate.

Volume, proximity and repetition. Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

I'm doing something right. Timbo!

And O-Fox. Where have you two been?

What is that? You got a
pube on your cheek, Timbo.

Oh, Jesus, Ziegler.
Uncool.

Eating the canned tuna
from the bottom shelf.

I love it! (LAUGHS)

Guys, I gotta boogie.

I'll see you later
at the scavenger hunt.

JOAN: Bye-bye. Aye aye, your holiness.

Borin' Orin.
Just joshing.

Not.

No, I'm really
joshing. Not!

Oh, got him twice.

What's the scavenger hunt?
JOAN: Oh!

You are about
to find out,

'cause I just signed up you
and O-Fox on the same team.

Oh, yeah? Right on!

I shouldn't.

Tim, I promise
I won't molest you.

Yet. (CHUCKLES)

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Come on, it'll be fun.

Everyone's doing it.

Okay, folks,
the ASMl-Azing Race

is just like The Amazing Race on TV...

(COUGHS)
No, it's not.

...except that instead
of $1 million,

the winning team gets

a $45 gift card to the
Kiku Japanese restaurant

in the Westdale Mall.

So, look for
your first clue

under the sea.

And by that I mean
in the pool area.

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

ZIEGLER:
Don't get in the way.

TIM: No brakes!

No brakes.
Coming through.

Bricks?
What the hell is this?

ZIEGLER: It's a word
scramble, you dumb fucks.

Raff... raff. Riff...

Moff.
Two letters.

Two more letters.
Mo... Moffarts.

I know what it is.
Fun Farm!

Yeah, be cool.
Be cool.

Golly, I really
need to pee.

I told you to go before
we started, you idiot.

Sorry.

Queef.

No Q.
No Q, son of a bitch.

(CHUCKLING EXCITEDLY)

Hey, Bree.
We're in first place!

Good luck,
butterscotch.

JOAN: Okay, you're gonna
make a right on Wilson.

TIM: No, that doesn't
make any sense.

You're gonna...
What?

I'm gonna make a left on Wilson. Oops!

North is north. South is
south. It's not complicated.

Never Eat
Shredded Wheat.

Just remembered.

I never heard
that one before.

Yeah, which is ironic because
Shredded Wheat is delicious.

Where are they?

All right, Perry.
Eyes on me.

What are you doing here?
You want me to throw you in?

Balls deep, man. Go!
Yeah! Go!

All right.
What do I got to do?

You have to find a red
ball for your next clue.

I'll give you 40 bucks
for the clue straight out.

Ziegler! Now! Go!
All right, let's do it!

Look out, Timbo,
I'm going balls deep.

(YELLING)

(EXCLAIMS)
I got it!

Yes!

Fill this thing.
I'm gonna win.

Fill it. Fill it.
Fill it. Come on.

Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Go!
Go! Eat the next one.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna puke.

No, you're doing great,

and, by the way, you look really
good with a wiener in your mouth.

Did you just make
a dick joke?

No. Maybe.

I love it!

Okay, just go!
Go! Go! Go!

Look at him. He's like
a little spider monkey.

Ha-ha! Leaving them in the dust.

You're almost there, bud.

JOAN: Reach it!
ZIEGLER: Timbo.

You got
a death wish pal?

'Cause you're about roughly 20
feet off the ground right now.

Take a look.

Uh-oh. Tim?

Oh, God.
Tim, are you okay?

Give me a second.

What do you... Tim, come
on down. We got you, buddy!

I'm gonna be fine!

I think
we better get him.

ZIEGLER: Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.

Why did you do it if
you're gonna freak out?

Tim, I got you,
trust me.

Just give me your hand, bro, lean back.

I don't trust people
with pony tails.

Come on, man, give me
your hand. Let's do this.

I'm not extreme
like you.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, Tim. Tim!

Oh, my God.
Calm down.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Hold on. Hold on to this.
JOAN: I got you, buddy.

Guys, just lower
him down. I got it.

Come on down to me. Come
on down. I got you, pal.

Relax. Relax.
JOAN: Okay. Okay.

We got you.
We got you.

Come on, folks.
I just saved a life here.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Just saved a life here.

So since no one could
complete the final task,

and since Tim was
higher than anyone else

when all this
brouhaha occurred,

we're going to award the
gift card to Tim and Joan.

(EXCLAIMING)

We won!

Nice. I love it.
I love it.

TIM: (SINGING) We won
We won the scavenger hunt

We won
We won

Mmm.

We won today.

WAITER: Well,
congratulations. Thank you.

And I found you
a cream sherry.

To dorks.

Okay. Cheers.
Cheers.

It's a compliment.

Mmm.

Oh, smooth.

Tim Lippe, I am trying
to figure you out.

Oh, boy.

I mean, hopes,
dreams, aspirations.

What do you got?
Um...

What I really
would love someday,

is to put a little
greenhouse in my backyard.

Okay, dream
the impossible dream.

Actually, it's far more
reasonable than you think.

Oh, please.

I checked some out
at Fleet Farm. Enough.

They're portable.
Stop it.

And they won't
break the bank.

Wow, I'm talking, like,
fantasy land. Okay?

Like, what does
Tim Lippe really want?

Come on!
Okay, a family.

Oh!

You know,
I wanna be a dad.

So, kids, I guess,
is what I really want.

You want mine?
(LAUGHS)

Um... Well...

Not like, you know...

What?

I have kids.
You have kids?

Yeah, two.

Tyler is 10. Ashley
will be eight next month.

My little squirrels.

Oh, they are so cool.

Aw, thanks.

And, that's...

My hubby, Rich Fox.
Richie.

We met when we were Rotary
Exchange students in high school.

Lived for a semester
in Norway.

You've been to Norway?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Then we got married when we
were sophomores in college,

and then kids and...

Wow.

If I had to do it all again,
I don't know what I'd choose,

but I don't have
that option.

So this is
my fantasy land, Tim.

You know, Cedar Rapids, ASMI. This.

Sometimes a gal just needs
a little vacation

from who she really is, you
know what I'm saying, Lippe?

MAN: Yee-hah!

This is pathetic.

Hey, Mike!
I'm bored of the dance.

You love me, Deanzie.

There you two are.

Check out Lloyd. He's
going mental on the place.

Oh, and you missed Mike Pyle doing his
Riverdance, hillbilly bullshit again.

(LAUGHS)
Drinks on me.

I like that.

Timbo, have you
tagged that yet?

'Cause she's gotta be as
moist as a damp sponge.

Ew, uh...

No, she has a husband.

What is wrong with you, Ziegler? Shit.

What isn't wrong with me? I
talk too much. I drink too much.

I weigh too much.
I piss people off.

What's your situation,
Ronald? Are you married or...

Negative.

I'm pretty well married
to Ronald Wilkes Insurance.

Course I have my guilty
pleasures, like antiquing.

I'm active in
community theater.

And I have to admit,
I'm a big enthusiast

of the HBO program
The Wire.

But I haven't had a proper
vacation in nine years.

Yeah, you know, I never
take my vacation, either.

You know what you guys should
do, is take a vacation together.

We can go on one of them gay
cruises with Rosie O'Donnell.

You know what you are, Ziegler?

You're what I call
a real Richard.

(RONALD LAUGHS)

Mr. Richard Head.

I don't get it.

Dick Head, I get it.
(LAUGHS)

You're a total Richard.

It took me a second.

All right, gents.
Kamikazes.

One, two, three.

Down your hole!

WOMAN: Okay, time for
ASMI's next great talent.

Tim Lip is going to
sing a number for us.

Is there a Tim Lip?

Did she just
say my name?

(LAUGHS)
Oh, I'm sorry.

She signed you up.

Tim Lip?

You can't do that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I don't know if you know Tim Lippe here,

it's "Lippe,"
by the way,

he's down here,
it's his first ASMI,

he's up for
a Two Diamond Award.

Let's give him
a little support. Huh?

MAN: Tim Lippe!

Tim! Tim! Tim!

Go be my hero.

Tim! Tim! Tim!

(ALL CHEERING)

Get up there!
Get up there!

Okay, I'm gonna sing a song that
I did at our last Christmas party.

Hope you enjoy.

(SINGING) Oh, holy night

Costly premiums
have them pining

Term life robs them
Of all they are worth

But there is hope

Policy holders
now have choices

Behold an agency

That won't leave you torn

Home, auto

Life insurance

BrownStar

BrownStar Insurance

Of Brown Valley,
Wisconsin

We are divine

(ALL CHEERING)

That was awesome!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tim Lippe.

Take that, Pyle!

Yes! Finally.
Oh, God, no more shots.

Let's go.
Yes, one more.

No, I'm not
having another.

Yes, I don't even
wanna hear it.

ZIEGLER: One, two,
three, down your hole!

One-on-ones with Orin
are tomorrow.

I can't afford to be off my
game. Neither can you, Tim.

(BOOING)

Ronimal!

Sit down, Ronimal.

You tied it in perfectly.
Auto, home, life, you got me!

Yeah, that was great.

Hold on, hold on.
I smell free booze.

No, no. Come on, come on. Dean.

Come on, come on.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

Rug munchers.
I love it.

No way.

Gay marriage
is legal in lowa.

Come on, you guys.
This party sounds good.

Wait. Let's go.

You're crazy, Deanzie.

I love it!

Ronimal's on
the dance floor!

The Robot Man! Yeah!

Whatever floats
your boat, man.

(SHOUTING)

Take cover, Ronald!

Come on, follow me,
I know where to go.

We're storming
the gate.

I told you it
closed an hour ago.

No, it didn't. 'Cause
I just opened it up.

Come on,
we're going swimming.

RONALD:
I'm going to bed.

We got
a big day tomorrow.

Yeah, I'll be
right behind you.

ZIEGLER: We're totally
going in the pool.

We're totally going in!
(LAUGHING)

Come on. This is gonna
be my seaman's helmet.

Right here. Look!

Look at this! You guys. (LAUGHING)

I'm Captain Nemo,
the muff diver.

I'm going on a mission
for bearded clams.

Idiot.

What do you say?
Lippe take a dippy?

ZIEGLER: Come on in!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(LAUGHS) What?

That's German for, "I can't
swim," and I really can't.

Oh, well,
it's only 4 feet.

Well, I didn't bring
a bathing suit, so...

Oh, yeah?
Well, I didn't either.

Timbo, it's business casual.
Get your ass in here.

JOAN: Come on, Tim.

Mr. Lippe.

Calling Mr. Lippe.

ZIEGLER: Get in here.

Oh, my gosh. It's kind
of chilly, actually.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, my God.
JOAN: It's nice.

Dean, you look
like R2-D2.

(MIMICS BLEEPING)

Crazy day, right?

So...

Oh, man.

Your skin is so milky.

It's like ice cream.

I'm having
a perfect moment.

What the heck
is going on here?

(ZIEGLER GRUNTS)

Orin!
You ruin everything.

Helgesson, I got something
for you right here.

Suck on it, baby. Right
there. Full moon, Orin.

You people are
such low-lifes.

He happened to come
out right then, right?

Yeah, you were watching through
the window, you kinky bastard.

Well, this is a very nice "How do
you do" in the middle of the night.

Go back to your room and tie
yourself up, you kinky bastard.

Will you just shut up?

Whoo! I love it!

Oh, my God.
Holy crap.

Oh, my God.
We're so dead.

(LAUGHS)

I wanna make love!

Where is everybody?

Timbo? Ronald?
Oh, shit.

Making love to you
was super,

super awesome.

Do you want
to cuddle?

Cuddle?

I love to cuddle.

Okay.

You're special, Joan.

So special.

Calm down, Tyler.

You're not gonna miss the game.
Just put your dad on, please.

Hey, didn't you look at
the schedule on the fridge?

This is the last
regular season game.

He actually has a chance
to play, Richie, Christ.

Okay. Okay,
I love you, too.

Tell Tyler to kick some
butt for me, okay? See you.

Good morning.

Sorry, crisis
on the home front.

You already
told your husband?

Yeah, right.

We have to tell them.
No.

Right? I mean...

Tim, I told you,

what I do here in Cedar
Rapids, it stays here.

No, I am not
a philanderer.

I'm a philanderer.

I'm a philanderer!

I have to tell Macy.

Tim, do not call Macy.

I need... I don't have any clothes.

(GROANS LOUDLY)
Tim, calm down.

I can't. I can't live like this.

I'm not like you.

Tim...

I'm sorry.

Don't...

Hey, Tim.

She's not that pretty
and she smokes.

Tim?

I made love to
a woman, Macy.

(CRYING) Her name is Joan.
She's from Omaha, Nebraska

and her mouth
tastes like cigarettes.

You slept
with someone?

It was a mistake. You
mean everything to me.

I can't believe you.

You really slept
with someone?

Will you marry me?

What?

Will you marry me,
please?

Just don't leave.
I'll do anything.

Tim, slow down.

Please, let's get
married right away. Whoa.

(SIGHS) Listen, I've been
trying to tell you this,

but you seem to have a
hard time grasping it, okay?

I was married
for half my life.

I've been divorced for all of six
months. I wanna enjoy my freedom.

What?

Like, is there
someone else?

Well, I wouldn't
put it that way.

I mean, there's no one
person in particular, no.

What do you mean, "No one
person"? There's people?

Like, plural, people?

Not a lot,
I mean, just a few.

(GASPS)

I'm dying.

Tim...
(SOBBING) I'm dying.

Pull yourself together.

I can't... I literally can't
breathe. I literally can't breathe.

Tim...
(GRUNTS)

(SHUSHING) Tim...
I can't breathe.

Timmy...

Yeah, yes?

You know that bird
you gave me?

What kind of
bird was it?

Scarlet tanager.

And what kind of
sound did it make?

Come on,
you remember.

(IMITATES BIRD SOUNDS)

That's right.
Very good.

And do you remember
what we learned about

when the baby birds
are born?

When the mommy decides it's
time for them to leave home?

What does she do?

She nudges them
out of the nest.

That's right.

But the mommy bird knows that
even though the babies are scared,

it's time for them
to fly away.

So, even though your heart
hurts very, very much,

I think it's for the best. It's
time for you to fly away, Tim.

Bye-bye,
little birdie Tim.

Bye-bye.

Bye, bye-bye.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

I love you.

Yeah,
you better love me

if you're gonna fuck me in the
poop shoot the way you done.

Bill?
Orin Helgesson told me

about your little hootenanny
in the pool there, Tim.

What are you thinking?

You add that to
the goddamn petition,

may as well commit
suicide here.

Father of the bride.

Yeah, I'll be
right there.

I can fix it, Bill.
Just tell me what to do.

Oh, what to do.

You can win the Two Diamonds.
That's what you do, Tim.

Or so help me, Jesus God, you won't
have a job, you won't have a life.

All you'll have is
my fist up your ass

and believe you me, that's
something neither of us wants.

Bill, please, just listen
to me for a minute...

Ah! Cripes almighty.
Worst day of my life.

Hey, (CLEARS THROAT) sorry, folks.

Oh, you look
so beautiful, Kim.

You look like a flower.

MAN: Smile, father.

A gosh dang flower.

I'm dead.

Macy broke up with me, Orin
called Bill, I'm gonna lose my job.

My life is ruined.

Sit down.

Your life is
not ruined, Lippe.

Now, I swore I would
never tell. I promised.

Roger Lemke,

I know how he won the Diamonds
all those years in a row.

Yeah, he knocked it
out of the park.

He paid for them.

He paid Orin cash in
exchange for the Two Diamonds.

(SCOFFS)

That's not...

That's not true.
It is.

He told me himself.
Roger told me.

Really? Why,
he just told you that?

That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Why would he
tell you that?

We were together.

It was stupid.

It ended two years ago, 'cause he was
getting into some pretty weird stuff,

as we all know now.
No.

Roger was a good man.

He was a family man,
and that was an accident.

Roger was a freak.

Not to mention a small
minded, egotistical con artist.

He was a liar, Tim.

And, yes, he paid
for the Two Diamonds.

My foot!

I'm sure you seduced him,
just like you did me.

You ruined my life.

Are you fucking
kidding me?

I am trying to
help you out

and you are acting
like a child.

Well, I'd rather act like
a child than a prostitute.

Timbo, red bush?

Deanzie needs details.

Lay off.

What the...
What are you doing?

Timbo, what the hell's
wrong with you, Timbo?

What are you doing?
Ow!

(LAUGHS)

Ow!
Titty twister!

Why are you laughing?

You think my life
is a joke?

I lost my job
and my lover

and my hero paid bribes
to win the Two Diamonds.

What did you just say?

Lemke bought
the Two Diamonds?

You're saying
Lemke paid off Orin?

No, Dean,
you can't say anything.

You can't...
Oh, my God.

Dean, please.

That holy rolling
hypocrite. I love it.

Timbo,
this is pure gold.

Please don't.

All right, listen. We look
like a couple of homos out here.

Let's go in the room and
discuss this like gentlemen,

over Bloody Mary's.

You're freaking out.
Your world is crumbling.

It's your first ASMI.

I get it.

Here.

Welcome to the jungle,
Timbo.

Now, my ex, Patti,

well-established fact
that this broad

is a serious cunt stain,
am I right?

But she's got it to where
the kids hate my guts.

I'm the bad guy.

Except, when our 17-year-old
daughter comes home pregnant,

who's the one
who's so depressed

she can't come out from under
the afghan on the goddamn couch?

Patti. And who's the one
who's planning the baby shower

and taking Meg to the
gyno and all that shit?

The fucking Deanzie.

What are you
talking about?

What I'm talking
about, Tim,

is, even though
I may be a blowhard

and, let's face it,
kind of a jagoff,

I'm there for the people
that need me.

And I don't spill
my friends' beans.

Now, tell me this.

Are we friends?

Yeah.

Did you feel that?

Something just
happened right now.

Now, you're with Deanzie,

and I'm not letting go.

And believe me,
I would love to expose

Orin Helgesson's
hypocritical bullshit.

But if you're asking me not to,
I won't, because you're my friend.

Thank you.

Now you see how dark
this place is.

All right, I got tiger
scratches on my back

from 20 years
in this business.

Let me tell
you something.

If you wanna survive,

you either gotta
fight the tiger

or you gotta dance
with the tiger.

Like Roger did.

How do you make
the tiger dance?

You gotta show him
a little teat.

How'd it go with Helgesson, big guy?

I think I did
a fair to middling job.

Oh, Tim, don't forget,

your one-on-one with Orin
starts in 10 minutes.

President Helgesson.

Come in. Have a seat on the davenport.

President Helgesson, what I'd
like to talk to you about today

are risk mitigation
mechanisms available to...

You came down here
to the big show, Tim,

and you got the little
twinklies in the eye,

and you succumbed to
the call of a floozy.

I just want to say
I'm really sorry

for my role in the
malfeasance in the pool.

You blew it, Tim.
You blew it.

I need the Two Diamonds.

Well, you should
have thought of that

before you took off
your big boy pants.

No, no.

Please, just...

All right, now you take a
minute to compose yourself

and then I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

I'm prepared to
show you a little teat.

Will you dance with me,
President Helgesson?

Do you wanna...

We can dance.

Tim...
I have money.

I can give you money.

(CHUCKLES)

Interesting.

You know, Tim, one
thing that Roger knew.

Roger knew that
if you want to win, you...

I like the way
you put it,

you have to be prepared
to show a little teat.

It's a $50 traveler's
check. It's fully insured.

Well, so it is.
So it is.

What else you got
hiding in there?

I brought $1,500
in checks

in case of
an emergency.

Well, this sure seems
like an emergency to me.

Congratulations, Mr.
Two Diamond Award winner.

Looks like I just found
the next Roger Lemke.

You remember that
petition to recall

BrownStar's
Two Diamond Awards?

I just made
that disappear.

Poof! Gone.
Rainmaker.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

BREE: Hey,
can I bum a heater?

Yeah.

So, you wanna party?

Maybe.

Maybe later?
Maybe later.

All right,
I'll be around.

Hey, can
I bum a heater?

All right.

Hey, butterscotch.

You look like you're in
serious need of some relaxation.

Yeah.

That's okay, I don't
have any money anyway.

No, no, no,
I didn't mean that.

I'm going to a party at my Uncle
Ken's house. You should come.

I don't know, Bree. I did something
today I don't feel very good about.

I do that,
like, every day.

How could I do that?

You know, it seems like your
subconscious is all, like, talking shit.

Like, "Fuck you, man."
You know?

Yeah, I just...
I'm a criminal now.

I mean, that was
a criminal act.

It's kind of like, you
can't keep your emotions

in these little cages like
little animals, you know,

like coyotes and armadillos and shit.

It's like, they just want to
break free. Right, Uncle Ken?

Yeah. Pass me
that Q, Bree.

Whoa.

Is that...

You...
Wait, you can't...

I don't know,
is that safe?

This would be marijuana,
I take it?

(LAUGHING)

Lt'll make you
feel better.

Suck the glass dick, dude.

It's not...

Suck that
fucking dick, man.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, jeez.

(SHOUTING)

Yeah!
Yeah!

Butterscotch lit up.

(BREE SHRIEKS)

TIM: It's so pretty
out here.

Hey, you're getting fat.
Fuck your mom.

What?
Fuck wad.

Everyone's cool.
I promise, man.

(LAUGHS) Hey,
nice suit, faggot.

Leave him alone, Gary.

Fuck you, whore.

Hey, that's not
very cool.

Yes, it was.
It was pretty cool.

Suck the shit out
of my cock, Gary.

Okay,
let's schedule that.

There we go. Magic's happening. Okay.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

Danny? Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance.

Danny's gone away.
But, here's Johnny.

(CROWD LAUGH)

And a shining good
evening... Where is Timbo?

This is weird. I wanna know what
happened at that one-on-one today.

Since when did you care about
stuff like that, Ziegler?

Let's just say I'm worried. All right?

Yeah, I'm a little
worried myself.

He was really pissed at me this morning.

Oh, I know. Believe me.

We talk about everything. He's
practically my best friend at this point.

You just met him
two days ago.

You know what,
blow me, Ronald.

It's not my problem if
you're too goddamn afraid

to tell another man
that you love him.

What is his
cell phone number?

I don't know.
I don't have it.

I've got it.

Here, no, no, no. I'll talk
to him. I'll talk to him.

He's not gonna
recognize your voice.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Timbo,
you're missing the show.

Deanzie!

I miss you.
I miss your smile.

Yeah, yeah, I miss your
smile, too. What are you doing?

I'm high on drugs.

I'm a 110% blotto.

Where are you, buddy? I'll
come meet you right now.

You wanna party,
Deanzie?

Yeah, you know me.

Good.

Bree, Deanzie
wants to party.

BREE: Yeah!

How does he get here?

I used to worship
these guys.

I thought they were like, terrific

and important
and like...

(SNIFFS)

And like, they were good to other
people and they did the right thing

and they were special like the
Founding Fathers of America.

Like Thomas Jefferson.

Yes! NTS.

Bree, not too shabby.

Ron...
What?

Is there something
wrong with your van?

No, there's nothing
wrong with the van.

Why is it
going so slow?

RONALD: I don't wanna mess
around and get a ticket.

ZIEGLER: Ron,
the car's gonna stall

if you go any
slower than this.

JOAN: Look, there's a turtle,
that's going faster than us.

Where? ZIEGLER: She's kidding, Ron.

JOAN: There he is.

You're smart.
You are.

And you're pretty, and you're
sweet, and you're insightful.

You're insightful.
Like a guidance counselor.

(LAUGHING)

And your smile, just
then, when you do that.

Don't do that 'cause it makes
me, like, happy. Too happy.

And you don't have to do those things
that you do with, like, strangers.

You're good, and you
don't need to do that.

You're so sweet, Tim.

But, you know, we're all
just selling something.

A fuck, dope,
insurance.

What about that guy you had to
bribe for that award or whatever?

It's like we're all
just selling something.

I know, and it's a major
bummer. You just bummed me out.

What you said
just bummed me out.

I'm so bummed out
right now.

(LAUGHING)

I'm so bummed out.

Oh, man.
This place is bad news.

All right, look. You
guys go in the front door,

I'm gonna go
around back.

Sounds good, Rambo.

Do you know what
an RIP license app is?

You don't, do you?
You don't even know.

You're probably uninsured.
You have it all figured out.

I bet you don't even
have a toothbrush.

Come on, Tim, don't.

What?

Hey!

We don't want any trouble. We're
just here to get our friend.

I got a fucking
toothbrush.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

BREE: That's enough.

Gary, he's cool.
I said he's cool.

TIM: Don't do that
to Bree.

Don't push!
Don't push Bree.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
Can we help you?

Yeah, maybe you can. I'm
looking for a friend of mine.

He's a skinny guy, wearing a
suit and tie. Have you seen him?

(LAUGHING)

Eat me, cop.

I'm not a cop,
Joan Jett.

So, clean out your ears and
tell me... You know what, man,

what's your fucking problem?
Really? I don't have a problem.

Look, I'm just
asking a question.

You want a little piece of this?

No, I don't... Ow!

No, stop!
Okay, that's enough.

Hey, stop!

MAN 1: Here, grab my hand.
MAN 2: Grab his hand!

MAN 1: Grab my hand. I'm trying
to help you up. Grab my hand.

MAN 2:
Let him help you.

What are we gonna do?

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

Come on.

Come on?

Hey. Hey, Hey!

MAN 3:
Who's this motherfucker?

I may look like some suit
wearing businessman to y'all,

truth is,
I'm straight up gangster.

And I always keep one in the
chamber in case you pondering.

So, I suggest
for the time being,

you let my nigger be,
motherfucker.

Come on. Get up.

Indeed.

Timbo!

What about Ziegler?

Ziegler will be coming.
Just start the car.

Bye, butterscotch.

See you tomorrow.

Butterscotch,
come back. Come on.

Just go back inside.

Here, here, here.
Take a beer for the road.

There he is,
there he is. Stop.

Don't stop.
Don't stop.

I'll catch up.

JOAN: Just go slowly.
GIRL: Where you going?

I thought you were gonna
kick the shit out of us?

No, no.

Come on, faggot. We're just
getting to know you, bro.

Hey, wait,
wait up for me, wait.

Bree, what are you doing?
Bree, get back here.

Who are you?
I'm friends with that dude.

You're friends with
Timbo? Yeah. Fuck, yeah!

I'm his best friend.
Get in there.

Move. Hit it, Ronimal.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

My God, you guys.

You know her?
Yeah.

Yeah, you know me.
She's my friend.

Yes, I've been... 'Cause
she's like, "He's my friend."

I was like,
"Yeah, he's my friend.

"Get in the van."
What are we doing here?

Timbo, what the hell
happened back there?

I don't know. I was on
the floor getting kicked,

and then I looked up
and Ronald was like,

talking like a ghetto person. He was.

I don't like to brag, but I
do a pretty convincing Omar

from the HBO program
The Wire.

"At least those crackers
back yonder seemed to buy it."

I love it. Crackers.

That's exactly like
they say it, Ronimal.

Put them up.
That's incredible.

Watch this guy, he's got
tricks. I'm telling you.

Good night.
Good night.

Bree!
No, Tim.

Why don't you
come back with me?

Oh, no,
that's not gonna happen.

BREE: Thanks for
being so cool.

I love you.

Jesus.

I love you, too.

(CRYING)
I love you so much.

(BOTH MOANING)

You could fuck me
in the ass if you want.

Oh, no. Okay.

Maybe another
time, Timbo.

I have heard
about that.

Good night.
I wanna do that.

Bye-bye.
Wait.

Night-night, Tim.
Bree.

This is a great place you
got. We gotta hit the road.

TIM: Her eyes are like
round oceans. ZIEGLER: Yeah.

TIM: And her freckles.

But she's a prostitute and
I sold my soul a little.

ZIEGLER: All right,
Timbo. Just keep it down.

Bree sells her body,

but I sold my soul.

Okay.
Why don't you guys get some sleep.

I'll stay up with him and make
sure he doesn't chew his arm off.

Listen, whatever you
did, buddy, you had to do,

and I ain't saying squat.

I sold my soul, Dean.

I know, I know.

Okay, lie down.

(SINGING) You promised to
bring me a pocket of posies

You promised to bring me
a pocket of posies

Johnny's so long
at the fair

Oh, dear!
What can the matter be?

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, dear!
What can the matter be?

Johnny's so long
at the fair

Joan, I'm sorry I called you a
prostitute. You're not a prostitute. I am.

You're just
a really nice lady.

(SHUSHING) It's okay.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Bill?
Hey, Ron.

Bill? What are
you doing here?

Hey, Tim.

Joan.

The Kroger. I love it.

Ziegler, Jesus.
What the hell is this?

Some kind of goddamn
pajama party or something?

No, it's a circle
jerk, Bill.

Drop your pants
and grab some lube.

Oh, that's nice. No, I'm here to
give some good news to someone.

Orin called me.
He tipped me off,

I don't know how the hell you did it,

but we won.

And, well,
it's the darndest thing,

it seems like winning
four awards in a row

has made us look pretty
attractive to certain folks.

Mike Pyle is buying
BrownStar.

You're selling?

That's why
I drove down here.

Gonna sign the contracts
in the morning.

Boy, it's a super
deal, too. Super.

Only snag is,
and you gotta know,

I fought like a goddamn
wild cat on this.

Pyle is shutting down
the Brown Valley office.

What?

No, don't worry about it. I got Pyle
to fold you in to the Milwaukee office.

Bill...

No, stop it.
Do not thank me.

Do not thank me. You earned it.
You earned it. It was all you.

Tell you what, why don't you get
some sleep and we'll talk in the a.m.

Does that sound good to you?
That's what we'll do.

All right. Ron.

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

(RINGING)

Hello?

Hey, Kurt Gambsky,
it's Tim Lippe.

Hey. It's Tim Lippe.

I am awful sorry to
bother you at this hour,

but, Kurt, I have to
ask you something.

RONALD: I'm sorry
to call you so late.

I'm calling on behalf
of Tim Lippe.

Oh, Tim Lippe, yes.
Go ahead.

I'm not selling anything,

I just wanna explain something
to you for two minutes.

Do you have
two minutes?

Of course.

Well, he certainly values you as a
customer and I was just wondering,

if he needed to
reach out to you,

would you be willing
to help him out?

You bet. Tim rocks.

Here we go.

It is my privilege to announce
the Two Diamond winner,

our friends from
BrownStar Insurance,

Bill Krogstad, I see you
there. Come on, come on.

Front row, he's in the front
row. Let's hear it for him.

Oh, man, this is great.
Thanks, Orin.

This is so great.

I think this is kind of
a bittersweet honor, folks,

because,
after 25-plus years,

I'm gonna be
selling BrownStar.

Yeah, to this son of a
gun right here, Mike Pyle.

Let's hear it for him.
Come on up here, Mike.

Bill and I wanted to
take this opportunity

to finally put pen to paper on our deal.

Guys,
hold on a minute.

Tim Lippe, everyone.

Hi, everyone.

As you just heard, Mike
Pyle wants to buy BrownStar,

but only if it's a Two
Diamond rated agency.

And for good reason,
because the Two Diamond Award

is synonymous with modesty,
integrity and hard work.

Which is why it might
surprise you to find out

what I actually did
to win this award.

I went into my one-on-one
session with Orin

in the Tiffany Suite,

and we engaged
in a filthy act

of which I am
totally ashamed.

I let Orin inside of me,

where he tainted the most
sacred and special part of me.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Of course, I'm talking
about my integrity,

(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)

Which I thought
was priceless,

but turns out
it's only worth $1,500

because that's what I paid
Orin to get this award.

(LAUGHS) Tim, I think
there's some mistake here.

No mistake.

No, I think I have
receipts for the back dues.

You can't hide
from the truth, Orin.

When I got to
Cedar Rapids,

I was scared and I
trusted the wrong people.

I thought, because I
was from a small town,

I couldn't think
for myself.

Boy, was that a mistake.

ASMI deserves an award that
actually stands for something,

and I just hope that by the
time I come back next year,

maybe I will have
shown you that

I really understand
what that means again.

I'm really sorry.

Hey, Bill, the award was
part of the deal. I know that.

This is a problem.
We got a real mess here.

BILL:
Nothing I can't change.

You don't have the award.
A deal is a deal.

It's right there. You
just saw him give it to me.

What are you talking
about? This is a no go.

This is a no go.

I'm proud of you, Tim.

That was
the right thing to do.

Lippe, you freaking goofy bastard.

After all I did for you,
how dare you?

You fucked up
a great deal.

No, that wasn't a good
deal. It was a dirty deal.

You lied.
Sold us down the river.

And you know what?
I've had enough of it.

I called a bunch of my clients last
night. They all said the same thing.

They said they trust me,
and they want to stick by me,

and I wanna
stick by them.

I'm gonna try to make a go of
this on my own in Brown Valley.

You listen to me, kid.

This is my company
and I'm selling it.

All right, well, you'll have
to do it without my clients.

I've already got 17 of them
committed to me in writing.

(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah? Really?
We'll see about that.

It's squeaky clean, Bill.
I've got the faxes right here.

Son of a bitch!

You did it.

That's fighting
the tiger.

Wow.
Right there.

Let's get this guy a cream
sherry, tout de suite.

Way to stand them down.

TIM: I feel like
I'm gonna throw up.

ZIEGLER:
That was awesome.

Here you are,
Mr. Lippe.

Thank you.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I don't know. I'm too doggone
tired to answer the door.

(LAUGHING)

I love it. Classic
Ronimal. Almost not a joke.

I'll tell you what, guys.

My cousin Bob,
who is loaded by the way,

has a cottage in Lake
of the Woods in Canada.

This summer, the three
of us. What do you say?

More time in a tightly
enclosed space with Ziegler.

Sign me up.

I think it sounds
like an awesome idea.

Actually, the Ronimal
could use a vacation.

Done and done.

Give me some sugar.

Oh!

Come on, Timbo.
I love you, pal.

There she is.
The belle of the ball.

Until the next ASMI,
my dear.

Bye, Deanzie.

Stay foxy.

Call you tomorrow,
Timbo.

Bye, Ron.
Bye-bye.

See you, Ronimal.
Bye.

So, you keep in touch.

E-mail,
all that good stuff.

Yeah, I will.
Of course.

Thanks, Insurance Man.

For what?

For a good time.

Oh, hey, you.

Jeez, what happened?

Well, let's see.

I got beat up, and I got completely
blotto on drugs and alcohol,

and I befriended
a prostitute.

It was awesome.

Well, I guess someone deserves
two bags of honey roasted peanuts.

Wow, thanks, Sherri.

You bet.
See you next time.

Two bags.

Awesome.

Why did the psychoanalyst prescribe
anxiety drugs to the anxious doctor?

I don't know.

Because he had
no patience.

(LAUGHING)

Okay. Ouch!
Okay.

That was painful.

Okay, what's
brown and sticky?

I don't know.
What?

A stick.

What do you call an anorexic
with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder
with cheese.

Oh, man.
That's gross.

That's terrible, man.

Yes, you can.

No, you can't.
I've heard...

No, it's not a wives tale. You can.

No, you can't
really do that.

The flame would go up
into your bottom and...

No, no, listen.

...blow you up or
something. You know what?

I got one in the chamber
right now. I got one right now.

(SCREAMS)
Oh, my gosh.

(EXCLAIMING)

ZIEGLER: It went back up
there a little bit.

Hi, I'm Dean Ziegler.

Hi, I'm Ronald Wilkes.

And I'm Tim Lippe.

There are a lot of
risks out there today.

Which is why you need
insurance from the best.

If you live in Wisconsin or Minnesota,

Top Notch Mutual has your
insurance needs covered.

Because,
no matter what happens...

(SCREAMS)

We got you.
We got you.

(SCREAMS)

We got you.
We got you.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Don't worry, little girl.

We got you.
We got you.

Remember,
call anytime...

Day or night.
Because no matter what...

(SCREAMS)

We got you.
We got you.

(BREAK MY STRIDE PLAYING)

Last night I had
the strangest dream

I sailed away to China In
a little row boat to find ya

And you said you had to get
your laundry cleaned

Didn't want
no one to hold you

What does that mean?
And you said...

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down
Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

I'm runnin' and I won't
touch ground Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

You're on the road
and now you pray it lasts

The road behind was rocky,
but now you're feelin' cocky

You look at me
and you see your past

Is that the reason
why you're runnin' so fast

Never let
another girl like you

Work me over

Never let
another girl like you

Drag me under

If I meet
another girl like you

I will tell her

Never want
another girl like you

Have to say, oh

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down
Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride,

I'm runnin' and I won't
touch ground Oh, no,

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride

I'm runnin' and I won't
touch ground Oh, no