Original subtitles

TIM: One of the reasons I love Brown Valley so much,

is that when you do business here,

chances are good you know the person you're dealing with.

They're a neighbor or a friend or a friend of a friend.

And you can trust them because they're part of a community.

If there is a bad egg around, people find out pretty fast.

This is why BrownStar Insurance has prospered for 25 years.

We always do right by our customers.

(SIGHING) Kurt, Pam,

this policy's gonna save you $400 a year,

and it covers everything you need.

Down the road, you win the lottery, come back on in here,

and I'll sell you the spendiest policy we got.

Seriously, guys, I'm gonna take care of you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello, Mrs. Vanderhei.

It's Macy, Tim.

I told you to call me Macy.

Sorry, I keep forgetting.

It's a hard habit to break.

Well, you better get it right soon or

I'm gonna have to make you stay after school.

(MACY MOANING)

MACY: Bring it. Bring it.

(EXCLAIMING)

There you go. (EXHALES DEEPLY)

TIM: Do you realize I used to just stare and stare at you

when you were teaching us about the rainforests or whatever?

And I would think,

"I wonder what Mrs. V looks like with her clothes off."

And then, boom, we run into each other in line at True Value

and, boom, here we are, making love.

Like, once a week.

It's like it was fate or something.

Did you ever used to look at me and think dirty things?

You were 12.

Right.

I got you something.

(CHIRPING)

It's a scarlet tanager. Mmm.

Like the birds you had in your classroom.

That's very sweet. Thank you.

Wait, wait.

Look on his wing.

MACY: Hmm.

Isn't that pretty? Is that a...

It's a promise ring.

Promising what?

Well... (CHUCKLES)

We're just having a good time here.

No, we're not. We're having the best time.

Hi, I'm Roger Lemke.

At BrownStar Insurance, we endeavor to give you

the coverage you need at the best prices around.

It's the reason that BrownStar Insurance has been awarded

the prestigious Two Diamond Award

from the American Society of Mutual Insurers

for three years running.

Because at BrownStar Insurance,

we insure your dreams.

(ALL CHEERING) Holy Christmas!

You knocked her out of the park.

You knocked it out of the G-D park, buddy!

I'm just a pretty face. That copy was all you, Bill.

Well, I...

I do have one gripe with you, boss.

Mmm-hmm? If you'd waited till after Cedar Rapids,

I could have won the Two Diamonds for you four years running.

Four years!

How do you it, Roger? (LAUGHING)

So proud of you, Roggie. Mmm...

TIM: Hey, Roger.

Tim Lippe! I didn't even see you there.

Oh, man.

Did you see it?

Yeah. You were so awesome.

Oh! Thanks, buddy. Thank you.

Super awesome. Just...

Hey, Roger. (GIGGLES)

Watch your back, Brad Pitt.

(LAUGHS)

ROGER: Thank you for the kind words, buddy.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

TIM: Wow, cake.

Awesome.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Tim, it's Bill.

Hey, Bill.

He's gone! Tim, he's gone.

(CRYING) Oh, God, I can't believe it.

What?

It's Roger.

What are you... What are you talking about?

Gwen found him in the bathroom.

He had a belt tied around his neck.

Oh, my gosh.

He was half naked, Tim.

Oh, jeez.

(WHIRRING)

BILL: All this time, Roger was some kind of twisted deviant.

TIM: Bill, the way Roger died was an accident.

BILL: (SCOFFS) Believe what you want, but people are talking, Tim.

Commitment to God is a big part of the Two Diamonds.

Big part.

Now, people are talking.

Hey, come here, come here. Here you go.

This was Roger's Two Diamonds presentation.

Yeah, and it's a guaranteed Two Diamond winner.

And believe me, I'd go myself,

but I'm locked in to my daughter's wedding over in Gladstone

I got no flex.

What are you saying, Bill?

I am saying, you need to go down there

and give this presentation, Tim.

I can't go to Cedar Rapids.

You can't... You don't want to send me to Cedar Rapids.

All right, listen to me, you were what, 16,

when I gave you that filing job

right after your mom passed?

You were living on your own, pretty much. All by yourself.

And I'm thinking, "Now, here's a kid who's gonna go places."

And then somehow, you just didn't.

I can't. You're all I got, kid.

I need you to go down there and prove that BrownStar is a good outfit,

an upstanding goddamn Christian outfit.

Now, the only thing you have to worry about getting good with

is Orin Helgesson.

He's the president.

He's the final decider on the Two Diamonds.

So, near the end of the weekend,

you're gonna sit down one-on-one with him in his suite

and deliver that presentation.

He needs to be convinced that we're still worthy of that award.

If we don't fix this, our clients will leave us, Tim.

And we'll all be out in the street.

Farmers are confronted with an unpredictable risk-filled...

Unpredictable world of risk-filled uncertainty.

TIM: Cedar Rapids. MACY: Cedar Rapids.

I can't believe that I'm actually going. But I gotta do it, right?

I mean, it's not just my job.

Six other people's entire livelihoods depend on this.

Plus Carol, who does part-time seasonal work, so...

You'll be fine.

Hey, Charlie. Tim, what's up?

I'm going down to Cedar Rapids for the big ASMI convention.

Oh, good. Good.

You can keep that for now. (CLEARS THROAT)

So all liquids, gels, aerosols must be placed in a Ziploc,

and then your computer, we take out of the case and run through the machine.

(SNICKERS)

It's just me.

Yeah, we gotta do it for everybody, so...

Tim!

Oh, praise Christ you haven't left yet.

Hey, Bill.

(PANTING) Hey.

I can't believe I forgot to give this to you.

It's an ASMI bible. All right?

Lt'll tell you who to talk to and who to avoid,

who best to fellowship with, network, you know.

Dean Ziegler, Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

Ziegler.

You know that son of bitch called one of Lemke's biggest clients,

Joyce Armbruster?

Smeared Roger's name. Freaking goddang poacher.

Avoid Ziegler like the plague, please.

Now, Ronald Wilkes, the guy I got you rooming with,

that's who I want you to stick by. Okay.

All right? All right, then, come here. Come on.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Well, you lucky ducks have obviously been seated in an exit row.

I just need to make sure you're willing and able to assist crew members

in the event of an emergency evacuation.

I've actually never been on an airplane before.

Well, you'll do awesome.

Well, if you do need help, I'm in.

Thank you.

Oh, sweet.

Hey, man. Can I bum a heater?

What's that now?

A cigarette?

(CHUCKLES)

No, sorry, I can't help you there.

Are you here for the convention? Yeah.

Yeah. Tim Lippe, BrownStar Insurance.

Bree. I'm Bree.

Nice to meet you, Bree.

Old trade secret for you.

If you keep smoking, your premiums are gonna go through the roof.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks, Dr. Phil.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, instead of a heater, how about butterscotch?

Nice.

Listen, Tim, if you wanna party, you let me know.

I'm always around.

You got it. Party hardy.

Nice chatting with you, Bree. See you.

Wow!

Checking in with us, sir?

Yeah, I am. Pretty excited about it, too.

All right. Can I get your name?

Tim Lippe.

And we just need a credit card for the incidentals.

Well, Trent, I was under the impression

that you honored traveler's checks.

You bet. We just need to make an imprint of the card,

just like I say, for the incidentals.

Credit card?

All right.

It's standard.

Don't worry. We are not gonna charge it.

No, see. Looks liked you just charged it.

Just an imprint.

Okay.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Tim.

So I just did the whole check-in rigmarole, and I'm on my way to my room.

Have you seen the pool yet?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) It's incredible. I mean, there's like palm trees and stuff.

And the whole place smells like chlorine.

It's like I'm in Barbados or somewhere.

Oh, here we are. Mi casa.

Junior suite. Hang on a second here.

Figure out how this deal works.

The key is like a stinking credit card.

(GASPS)

What is it? Tim?

There's an Afro-American man standing in my room.

What's he doing?

He's smiling at me.

Oh, no. Run for your life.

Are you Tim? Tim Lippe?

I'm Ronald Wilkes.

Bill Krogstad said we were gonna be roommates.

Tim, are you okay?

Does he speak your language? Yes.

He actually seems pretty friendly

so I'm gonna call you back later, okay?

You are Tim?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yes, of course I am.

Just for a minute there, I was like, "Whoa."

Okay.

You wanna come in and take a look at the room?

Yeah, yeah.

Check out these digs.

Hey, look, Tim, the reason we got the junior suite upgrade

is because the hotel overbooked.

The point being, they were asking folks to take on a third roommate

to consolidate space.

Now, to me, the savings of adding a third guy

sounded like a real positive.

If you got any qualms, I hear you.

LNC. That's "Loud and Clear."

Who would share... Who would share beds?

That's a pull-out couch.

(LAUGHS)

This isn't Woodstock, Tim.

I'm sure whoever it is will be a straight shooter.

Janita, double stock my mini bar, please.

1019, thank you.

Taco Bill, back in the saddle.

Hey, Ned. Get some honey on your stinger?

I love it.

So far, it's just the one billboard north of St. Cloud.

But at the end of the day, it's NTS.

Not too shabby.

NTS. That's hilarious.

(HOWLING)

Ronald Wilkes, I presume. The Ronimal!

Give me some love, my soul brother!

Turn down the volume, Ziegler. You just got here.

What's the matter, friend?

You've never seen a choco-vanilla love sandwich before?

Wait till we start the butt fucking. No.

(ZIEGLER LAUGHS)

I'm just having fun.

Dean Ziegler, Stevens Point, Wisconsin. Call me Deanzie.

Tim Lippe, from Brown Valley, Wisconsin. BrownStar Insurance.

Oh, sure, yeah. Bill Krogstad's joint right?

The Kroger!

That's what I call him.

Oh, shit.

I was so sorry to hear about Lemke's passing up there.

That guy was tits as a rep.

Yeah. Well, Roger was just a super great man.

Amen on that. Yeah.

Real tragedy.

Well, I don't know about you wing-nuts,

but the Deanzie could use a drinksy.

What do you say we head straight to Horizons for happy hour?

You get two-for-one drinks, ten-cent wings,

all-you-care-to-eat pussy buffet.

That line was unappealing last year, Dean.

It remains so now.

Ronimal!

I'm gonna watch President Helgesson's opening remarks.

Oh, God. That smug fuck.

Helgesson's trying to turn ASMI into a goddamn religion

with all this God and morality bullshit.

All right, you ladies stay here and do your nails.

But I'm going to Horizon's where the action is, all right?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I'm Orin Helgesson,

your ASMI Midwest Region Chapter President.

If you haven't picked up your welcome kits yet, see Mike Pyle.

RONALD: Mike Pyle.

He owns the sixth largest Allstate agency in the upper Midwest.

The guy's a shark.

I'm more worried about this Ziegler guy.

I was specifically warned to stay away from him.

Don't worry about him. He's harmless.

I'd like to talk Two Diamonds for a minute here.

The Two Diamond Certificate of Excellence

is awarded every year

to the agency that best exemplifies the ASMI decree

"to provide high quality insurance,

"while maintaining commitment to community, country and God."

We have a record number of entries this year.

Over 50 agencies. So...

Did he say 50 agencies?

Yeah, it's gonna be brutal this year.

(EXHALES)

Hey, come on. You're gonna do fine. Relax.

Thanks.

Hey, baby girl.

MACY: Hey, Tim. How's it going?

I'm in over my head.

You'll do fine. I'm putting you on speaker, sweetie.

I just really wish you had come with me.

Oh, no. This is your thing. You'll do a good job.

Well, I gotta run in a sec.

I'm meeting some folks for fish at the Eagles.

I really miss you.

You'll do fine.

Thank you. I'll try.

I really miss you.

Okay, bye, honey.

I'll dream of you in my heart.

You were checking me out.

What?

I'm gonna have to tell the hotel

there's some pervo in fitness center

hitting on innocent women.

What? Whoa! No.

I wasn't doing that.

I'm, like, pre-engaged with somebody.

Unbelievable.

That poor woman should know what you're up to.

I'm not up to anything. I swear, I'm not...

Oh, man.

(LAUGHING)

I'm totally messing with you.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I'm such a jerk.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, yeah.

Well, that's different.

I'm so sorry. Joan Ostrowski-Fox.

Hi. Hi.

Tim Lippe. Hi, Mr. Lippe.

I'm in town for the ASMI convention.

I'm here for ASMI, too. I'm from "Oh, my God," Nebraska.

Omaha. Yeah.

Well, I'm gross, so I will bid you a farewell, Mr. Lippe.

Okay. See you at Horizon's tonight?

Yeah, I don't... Well, maybe.

A girl can dream.

How are you doing? Good.

Um...

I really enjoyed your speech, President Helgesson.

Oh. You were in there. Marvelous.

I don't think we've met.

Tim Lippe.

Down from Brown Valley, Wisconsin, BrownStar Insurance.

Oh, boy. Tim,

I don't know what to say. I'm just...

We're all feeling it.

I'm so sorry for the loss.

Yeah, it's been really hard.

Come here, son. Come here.

Now, Tim, let me give you

a few extra drink coupons for Horizon's.

You go down there and fellowship and network with your colleagues. Huh?

Thank you, President Helgesson.

No, please. Orin.

Hey, Bree isn't it?

Yeah, the butterscotch dude right?

Yeah.

That's me, Captain Butterscotch. You guys want some?

Yeah.

Tim Lippe, BrownStar Insurance.

Glen Lindstrom. Lindy.

Lindy Lindstrom. Excellent to meet you.

What are you guys up to?

Timbo!

Right here, roomie.

Party headquarters, right here.

How's it going, Tim?

Hi, Ronald.

Dean?

Come on. Call me Deanzie.

What can I get you?

Do you have root beer?

You want a nipple on that?

Ha-ha. No.

The sooner you learn to ignore this degenerate, Tim, the better off you'll be.

Degenerate! I love it! That's me!

Okay, Big Time Tim,

what exactly are you looking for, pussy-wise, in Cedar Crapids?

Nothing, actually.

What? Why are you showing me a picture of your mom?

She's hot. No offense.

She's not my mom. Okay?

She's my girlfriend, and we're basically pre-engaged.

Whoa, whoa. My bad. Beautiful woman, in any case.

Wait a minute, what's "pre-engaged"?

'Cause if I was "pre-engaged,"

I will be pre-porking anything with a pulse.

Where's your moral compass, Ziegler? You're married yourself.

Was married, Ronald. Was.

Oh, jeez, you and Patti split up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

She's an asshole. Ass-fucking-hole.

Seventeen years of marriage, straight down the shitter.

Lucky if one of them was decent.

What was I talking about? Who wants to get wasted!

Choo-choo!

JOAN: Hubba-hubba, check out those studs!

Whoo! Joan Ostrowski-Fox.

Oh, Ron Ronald, you look Rontastic.

This one. Oh, I could just

squeeze you to death, you little firecracker!

ZIEGLER: How are you sweetheart?

Oh, so good.

Oh, Lippe. My lippies are sealed.

You know this guy?

Oh, that's right. From the fitness center.

Yeah. I was really naughty with you down there.

I'm really sorry, Tim.

Oh, no. She's not. Oh, no. I'm not.

(LAUGHS)

Shots. Let's do it. What do you want guys?

Jäger time. Jäger for me.

Twist my arm. Drambuie.

JOAN: Lippe? I'm a non-drinker.

Oh, that's a bummer.

Timbo, you gotta strap on a set of gords.

JOAN: Yeah. All right?

Come on, one won't kill you.

Jeez, okay.

If you guys are gonna beat me up...

Cream sherry.

Cream sherry? You're insane.

(LAUGHING)

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

This one's weird.

ZIEGLER: Ready? Here we go.

(COUNTING IN GERMAN)

In your hole!

(WHOOPING)

You be careful not to get too loaded there, Lippe.

I might have to take advantage of you.

Hey. Excuse me.

Come on, I'm just razzing.

Cut it out!

You know what? It's been a long day.

Oh, come on, Timbo. Relax.

Come on, I didn't mean anything by it.

Good night.

You can squeeze my ass, Joan.

Ouch!

The government currently subsidizes

$935 million worth of insurance policies...

I'm in here! I'm in here...

I know, I know. This needs to be private.

Listen...

Whoa!

Something really didn't agree with you, huh?

Yeah, I had... I think it was tainted yogurt.

Listen, meet me in the stair... (EXHALES)

Meet me in the stairwell in five minutes. All right?

Pinch it off, it's important.

Jesus Christ.

(COUGHS)

Psst!

(SOFTLY) Timbo.

We gotta talk.

What? What is going on?

After you left, I found out some serious shit.

There is a petition going around

trying to take away your company's Two Diamond Awards.

What?

They're saying Lemke's sexual peccadilloes were not godly,

quote unquote.

Somebody passed it to me, and I'm like,

"Look, Lemke might have been a class-A deviant,

"but what the fuck does that have to do with selling insurance?"

Pardon my French, Dean, but you are completely full of bullroar.

My boss, Bill Krogstad, told me that you called Joyce Armbruster

and smeared Roger's name.

No, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Timbo. That old whore called me.

She's going on about how Lemke's a pervert

and she wanted to take her business elsewhere.

So I says, "All right, I'll crunch some numbers for you."

Well, she calls me back later that same day

saying how she got Krogstad to lower her premiums,

which is exactly what the greasy twat wanted in the first place.

So, you didn't call her?

Tim.

Look, I might be a lot of things,

but a poacher ain't one of them.

And I'm proud of that.

You saw this petition?

Yeah, I saw it. I didn't sign it.

I said, "You guys are pussies."

This is terrible.

'Cause the way that Roger died was an accident.

Look, Lemke could have died

cornholing a crippled kid for all I care.

Not really, of course.

My sister's got one. Down's.

Sad.

Point being, selling insurance is a business.

It's not a goddamn Boy Scout troop.

So there's the scuttlebutt.

Deal with it the way you want.

(RONALD SNORING)

(ZIEGLER SIGHS)

And we thank you, Lord.

We are grateful for the bounty you provide us this breakfast time.

I am so hung over right now.

The variety and the volume...

Big time beer shits this morning.

...Lord Jesus, our truth. Amen.

Amen. Say that again.

I thought Pyle did a nice job, Ziegler.

What's wrong with you, Timbo?

You're like a gloomy Gus this morning.

Come on, leave him alone.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

If it's my ex-wife, I'm not here.

I'm pretty sure it's not your ex-wife.

It's my boss. I have to take this.

Tell The Kroger I said, "Hey."

Hello. BILL: Tim.

I got a call from Orin Helgesson.

He tells me he's worried about you.

Tells me you're palling around with Dean Ziegler.

Laughing at his jokes, buying him drinks.

No, Bill. That's...

What's the one thing?

I said, "Steer clear of Dean Ziegler."

Bill, that Dean Ziegler...

No, it is Orin's sworn enemy.

He told me that there is a petition going around

to take away our Two Diamond Awards.

What? All right, who the Christ signed that, huh?

Who the Christ signed that? God damn it.

God damn it. God damn it!

Bill, I'll handle it. You can count on me.

You just worry about your goddamn presentation tomorrow, Tim,

and stop fucking around!

I'll handle it.

You take care of it, Lippe.

I swear, I only smoke in Cedar Rapids.

Jeez, what's wrong?

I don't know, like, everything.

So how did you get involved in the insurance game, Lippe?

Oh, God. "Insurance game."

Look here, see, how did you get involved in the insurance game?

You're freaky.

Thank you.

(BOTH LAUGH)

It's kind of a weird story, actually.

I lost my dad in a sawmill accident when I was six years old.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

But the insurance agent fought like a tiger with the sawmill

to make sure my mom and I were taken care of, and we were.

And I remember thinking, when I was kid,

I was just like, "This guy is a hero."

I gotta say, I think insurance agents get a bum rap.

You know?

Like this river, the Cedar River, flooded a couple of years ago.

A whole city. I know. I remember.

It was a massive disaster.

Massive disaster, billions of dollars in damage,

and who do you think was in the trenches

trying to get people's lives back in order?

It was insurance agents.

Not all of them, but a lot of them worked really hard

to get people's lives back on track.

Do you realize you just made it sound cool to be an insurance salesman?

You are a hero, Lippe.

(CHUCKLES) Shut up.

Come on, we should get back.

No, I can tell.

You're the Superman type.

Kind of dweeby on the outside

but a real frigging stud underneath.

Yeah, dweeby, okay.

They call you Insurance Man

and put a big red "l" on your chest.

Cool.

Well, even if you are totally full of it, which you clearly are,

it's still a nice thing to say, and I appreciate it.

You're welcome.

For crying out loud, Dean, you say the same thing every year!

Because you think you're the Pope, Orin.

And you're not the fucking Pope.

And ASMI is not a church.

There is a separation between religion and insurance.

It's in the constitution.

Oh, good grief.

You gotta admire Ziegler's style of debate.

Volume, proximity and repetition. Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

I'm doing something right. Timbo!

And O-Fox. Where have you two been?

What is that? You got a pube on your cheek, Timbo.

Oh, Jesus, Ziegler. Uncool.

Eating the canned tuna from the bottom shelf.

I love it! (LAUGHS)

Guys, I gotta boogie.

I'll see you later at the scavenger hunt.

JOAN: Bye-bye. Aye aye, your holiness.

Borin' Orin. Just joshing.

Not.

No, I'm really joshing. Not!

Oh, got him twice.

What's the scavenger hunt? JOAN: Oh!

You are about to find out,

'cause I just signed up you and O-Fox on the same team.

Oh, yeah? Right on!

I shouldn't.

Tim, I promise I won't molest you.

Yet. (CHUCKLES)

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Come on, it'll be fun.

Everyone's doing it.

Okay, folks, the ASMl-Azing Race

is just like The Amazing Race on TV...

(COUGHS) No, it's not.

...except that instead of $1 million,

the winning team gets

a $45 gift card to the Kiku Japanese restaurant

in the Westdale Mall.

So, look for your first clue

under the sea.

And by that I mean in the pool area.

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

ZIEGLER: Don't get in the way.

TIM: No brakes!

No brakes. Coming through.

Bricks? What the hell is this?

ZIEGLER: It's a word scramble, you dumb fucks.

Raff... raff. Riff...

Moff. Two letters.

Two more letters. Mo... Moffarts.

I know what it is. Fun Farm!

Yeah, be cool. Be cool.

Golly, I really need to pee.

I told you to go before we started, you idiot.

Sorry.

Queef.

No Q. No Q, son of a bitch.

(CHUCKLING EXCITEDLY)

Hey, Bree. We're in first place!

Good luck, butterscotch.

JOAN: Okay, you're gonna make a right on Wilson.

TIM: No, that doesn't make any sense.

You're gonna... What?

I'm gonna make a left on Wilson. Oops!

North is north. South is south. It's not complicated.

Never Eat Shredded Wheat.

Just remembered.

I never heard that one before.

Yeah, which is ironic because Shredded Wheat is delicious.

Where are they?

All right, Perry. Eyes on me.

What are you doing here? You want me to throw you in?

Balls deep, man. Go! Yeah! Go!

All right. What do I got to do?

You have to find a red ball for your next clue.

I'll give you 40 bucks for the clue straight out.

Ziegler! Now! Go! All right, let's do it!

Look out, Timbo, I'm going balls deep.

(YELLING)

(EXCLAIMS) I got it!

Yes!

Fill this thing. I'm gonna win.

Fill it. Fill it. Fill it. Come on.

Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Go! Go! Eat the next one.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna puke.

No, you're doing great,

and, by the way, you look really good with a wiener in your mouth.

Did you just make a dick joke?

No. Maybe.

I love it!

Okay, just go! Go! Go! Go!

Look at him. He's like a little spider monkey.

Ha-ha! Leaving them in the dust.

You're almost there, bud.

JOAN: Reach it! ZIEGLER: Timbo.

You got a death wish pal?

'Cause you're about roughly 20 feet off the ground right now.

Take a look.

Uh-oh. Tim?

Oh, God. Tim, are you okay?

Give me a second.

What do you... Tim, come on down. We got you, buddy!

I'm gonna be fine!

I think we better get him.

ZIEGLER: Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

Why did you do it if you're gonna freak out?

Tim, I got you, trust me.

Just give me your hand, bro, lean back.

I don't trust people with pony tails.

Come on, man, give me your hand. Let's do this.

I'm not extreme like you.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, Tim. Tim!

Oh, my God. Calm down.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Hold on. Hold on to this. JOAN: I got you, buddy.

Guys, just lower him down. I got it.

Come on down to me. Come on down. I got you, pal.

Relax. Relax. JOAN: Okay. Okay.

We got you. We got you.

Come on, folks. I just saved a life here.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Just saved a life here.

So since no one could complete the final task,

and since Tim was higher than anyone else

when all this brouhaha occurred,

we're going to award the gift card to Tim and Joan.

(EXCLAIMING)

We won!

Nice. I love it. I love it.

TIM: (SINGING) We won We won the scavenger hunt

We won We won

Mmm.

We won today.

WAITER: Well, congratulations. Thank you.

And I found you a cream sherry.

To dorks.

Okay. Cheers. Cheers.

It's a compliment.

Mmm.

Oh, smooth.

Tim Lippe, I am trying to figure you out.

Oh, boy.

I mean, hopes, dreams, aspirations.

What do you got? Um...

What I really would love someday,

is to put a little greenhouse in my backyard.

Okay, dream the impossible dream.

Actually, it's far more reasonable than you think.

Oh, please.

I checked some out at Fleet Farm. Enough.

They're portable. Stop it.

And they won't break the bank.

Wow, I'm talking, like, fantasy land. Okay?

Like, what does Tim Lippe really want?

Come on! Okay, a family.

Oh!

You know, I wanna be a dad.

So, kids, I guess, is what I really want.

You want mine? (LAUGHS)

Um... Well...

Not like, you know...

What?

I have kids. You have kids?

Yeah, two.

Tyler is 10. Ashley will be eight next month.

My little squirrels.

Oh, they are so cool.

Aw, thanks.

And, that's...

My hubby, Rich Fox. Richie.

We met when we were Rotary Exchange students in high school.

Lived for a semester in Norway.

You've been to Norway? Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Then we got married when we were sophomores in college,

and then kids and...

Wow.

If I had to do it all again, I don't know what I'd choose,

but I don't have that option.

So this is my fantasy land, Tim.

You know, Cedar Rapids, ASMI. This.

Sometimes a gal just needs a little vacation

from who she really is, you know what I'm saying, Lippe?

MAN: Yee-hah!

This is pathetic.

Hey, Mike! I'm bored of the dance.

You love me, Deanzie.

There you two are.

Check out Lloyd. He's going mental on the place.

Oh, and you missed Mike Pyle doing his Riverdance, hillbilly bullshit again.

(LAUGHS) Drinks on me.

I like that.

Timbo, have you tagged that yet?

'Cause she's gotta be as moist as a damp sponge.

Ew, uh...

No, she has a husband.

What is wrong with you, Ziegler? Shit.

What isn't wrong with me? I talk too much. I drink too much.

I weigh too much. I piss people off.

What's your situation, Ronald? Are you married or...

Negative.

I'm pretty well married to Ronald Wilkes Insurance.

Course I have my guilty pleasures, like antiquing.

I'm active in community theater.

And I have to admit, I'm a big enthusiast

of the HBO program The Wire.

But I haven't had a proper vacation in nine years.

Yeah, you know, I never take my vacation, either.

You know what you guys should do, is take a vacation together.

We can go on one of them gay cruises with Rosie O'Donnell.

You know what you are, Ziegler?

You're what I call a real Richard.

(RONALD LAUGHS)

Mr. Richard Head.

I don't get it.

Dick Head, I get it. (LAUGHS)

You're a total Richard.

It took me a second.

All right, gents. Kamikazes.

One, two, three.

Down your hole!

WOMAN: Okay, time for ASMI's next great talent.

Tim Lip is going to sing a number for us.

Is there a Tim Lip?

Did she just say my name?

(LAUGHS) Oh, I'm sorry.

She signed you up.

Tim Lip?

You can't do that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I don't know if you know Tim Lippe here,

it's "Lippe," by the way,

he's down here, it's his first ASMI,

he's up for a Two Diamond Award.

Let's give him a little support. Huh?

MAN: Tim Lippe!

Tim! Tim! Tim!

Go be my hero.

Tim! Tim! Tim!

(ALL CHEERING)

Get up there! Get up there!

Okay, I'm gonna sing a song that I did at our last Christmas party.

Hope you enjoy.

(SINGING) Oh, holy night

Costly premiums have them pining

Term life robs them Of all they are worth

But there is hope

Policy holders now have choices

Behold an agency

That won't leave you torn

Home, auto

Life insurance

BrownStar

BrownStar Insurance

Of Brown Valley, Wisconsin

We are divine

(ALL CHEERING)

That was awesome!

Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Lippe.

Take that, Pyle!

Yes! Finally. Oh, God, no more shots.

Let's go. Yes, one more.

No, I'm not having another.

Yes, I don't even wanna hear it.

ZIEGLER: One, two, three, down your hole!

One-on-ones with Orin are tomorrow.

I can't afford to be off my game. Neither can you, Tim.

(BOOING)

Ronimal!

Sit down, Ronimal.

You tied it in perfectly. Auto, home, life, you got me!

Yeah, that was great.

Hold on, hold on. I smell free booze.

No, no. Come on, come on. Dean.

Come on, come on.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

Rug munchers. I love it.

No way.

Gay marriage is legal in lowa.

Come on, you guys. This party sounds good.

Wait. Let's go.

You're crazy, Deanzie.

I love it!

Ronimal's on the dance floor!

The Robot Man! Yeah!

Whatever floats your boat, man.

(SHOUTING)

Take cover, Ronald!

Come on, follow me, I know where to go.

We're storming the gate.

I told you it closed an hour ago.

No, it didn't. 'Cause I just opened it up.

Come on, we're going swimming.

RONALD: I'm going to bed.

We got a big day tomorrow.

Yeah, I'll be right behind you.

ZIEGLER: We're totally going in the pool.

We're totally going in! (LAUGHING)

Come on. This is gonna be my seaman's helmet.

Right here. Look!

Look at this! You guys. (LAUGHING)

I'm Captain Nemo, the muff diver.

I'm going on a mission for bearded clams.

Idiot.

What do you say? Lippe take a dippy?

ZIEGLER: Come on in!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(LAUGHS) What?

That's German for, "I can't swim," and I really can't.

Oh, well, it's only 4 feet.

Well, I didn't bring a bathing suit, so...

Oh, yeah? Well, I didn't either.

Timbo, it's business casual. Get your ass in here.

JOAN: Come on, Tim.

Mr. Lippe.

Calling Mr. Lippe.

ZIEGLER: Get in here.

Oh, my gosh. It's kind of chilly, actually.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, my God. JOAN: It's nice.

Dean, you look like R2-D2.

(MIMICS BLEEPING)

Crazy day, right?

So...

Oh, man.

Your skin is so milky.

It's like ice cream.

I'm having a perfect moment.

What the heck is going on here?

(ZIEGLER GRUNTS)

Orin! You ruin everything.

Helgesson, I got something for you right here.

Suck on it, baby. Right there. Full moon, Orin.

You people are such low-lifes.

He happened to come out right then, right?

Yeah, you were watching through the window, you kinky bastard.

Well, this is a very nice "How do you do" in the middle of the night.

Go back to your room and tie yourself up, you kinky bastard.

Will you just shut up?

Whoo! I love it!

Oh, my God. Holy crap.

Oh, my God. We're so dead.

(LAUGHS)

I wanna make love!

Where is everybody?

Timbo? Ronald? Oh, shit.

Making love to you was super,

super awesome.

Do you want to cuddle?

Cuddle?

I love to cuddle.

Okay.

You're special, Joan.

So special.

Calm down, Tyler.

You're not gonna miss the game. Just put your dad on, please.

Hey, didn't you look at the schedule on the fridge?

This is the last regular season game.

He actually has a chance to play, Richie, Christ.

Okay. Okay, I love you, too.

Tell Tyler to kick some butt for me, okay? See you.

Good morning.

Sorry, crisis on the home front.

You already told your husband?

Yeah, right.

We have to tell them. No.

Right? I mean...

Tim, I told you,

what I do here in Cedar Rapids, it stays here.

No, I am not a philanderer.

I'm a philanderer.

I'm a philanderer!

I have to tell Macy.

Tim, do not call Macy.

I need... I don't have any clothes.

(GROANS LOUDLY) Tim, calm down.

I can't. I can't live like this.

I'm not like you.

Tim...

I'm sorry.

Don't...

Hey, Tim.

She's not that pretty and she smokes.

Tim?

I made love to a woman, Macy.

(CRYING) Her name is Joan. She's from Omaha, Nebraska

and her mouth tastes like cigarettes.

You slept with someone?

It was a mistake. You mean everything to me.

I can't believe you.

You really slept with someone?

Will you marry me?

What?

Will you marry me, please?

Just don't leave. I'll do anything.

Tim, slow down.

Please, let's get married right away. Whoa.

(SIGHS) Listen, I've been trying to tell you this,

but you seem to have a hard time grasping it, okay?

I was married for half my life.

I've been divorced for all of six months. I wanna enjoy my freedom.

What?

Like, is there someone else?

Well, I wouldn't put it that way.

I mean, there's no one person in particular, no.

What do you mean, "No one person"? There's people?

Like, plural, people?

Not a lot, I mean, just a few.

(GASPS)

I'm dying.

Tim... (SOBBING) I'm dying.

Pull yourself together.

I can't... I literally can't breathe. I literally can't breathe.

Tim... (GRUNTS)

(SHUSHING) Tim... I can't breathe.

Timmy...

Yeah, yes?

You know that bird you gave me?

What kind of bird was it?

Scarlet tanager.

And what kind of sound did it make?

Come on, you remember.

(IMITATES BIRD SOUNDS)

That's right. Very good.

And do you remember what we learned about

when the baby birds are born?

When the mommy decides it's time for them to leave home?

What does she do?

She nudges them out of the nest.

That's right.

But the mommy bird knows that even though the babies are scared,

it's time for them to fly away.

So, even though your heart hurts very, very much,

I think it's for the best. It's time for you to fly away, Tim.

Bye-bye, little birdie Tim.

Bye-bye.

Bye, bye-bye.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

I love you.

Yeah, you better love me

if you're gonna fuck me in the poop shoot the way you done.

Bill? Orin Helgesson told me

about your little hootenanny in the pool there, Tim.

What are you thinking?

You add that to the goddamn petition,

may as well commit suicide here.

Father of the bride.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

I can fix it, Bill. Just tell me what to do.

Oh, what to do.

You can win the Two Diamonds. That's what you do, Tim.

Or so help me, Jesus God, you won't have a job, you won't have a life.

All you'll have is my fist up your ass

and believe you me, that's something neither of us wants.

Bill, please, just listen to me for a minute...

Ah! Cripes almighty. Worst day of my life.

Hey, (CLEARS THROAT) sorry, folks.

Oh, you look so beautiful, Kim.

You look like a flower.

MAN: Smile, father.

A gosh dang flower.

I'm dead.

Macy broke up with me, Orin called Bill, I'm gonna lose my job.

My life is ruined.

Sit down.

Your life is not ruined, Lippe.

Now, I swore I would never tell. I promised.

Roger Lemke,

I know how he won the Diamonds all those years in a row.

Yeah, he knocked it out of the park.

He paid for them.

He paid Orin cash in exchange for the Two Diamonds.

(SCOFFS)

That's not...

That's not true. It is.

He told me himself. Roger told me.

Really? Why, he just told you that?

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Why would he tell you that?

We were together.

It was stupid.

It ended two years ago, 'cause he was getting into some pretty weird stuff,

as we all know now. No.

Roger was a good man.

He was a family man, and that was an accident.

Roger was a freak.

Not to mention a small minded, egotistical con artist.

He was a liar, Tim.

And, yes, he paid for the Two Diamonds.

My foot!

I'm sure you seduced him, just like you did me.

You ruined my life.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I am trying to help you out

and you are acting like a child.

Well, I'd rather act like a child than a prostitute.

Timbo, red bush?

Deanzie needs details.

Lay off.

What the... What are you doing?

Timbo, what the hell's wrong with you, Timbo?

What are you doing? Ow!

(LAUGHS)

Ow! Titty twister!

Why are you laughing?

You think my life is a joke?

I lost my job and my lover

and my hero paid bribes to win the Two Diamonds.

What did you just say?

Lemke bought the Two Diamonds?

You're saying Lemke paid off Orin?

No, Dean, you can't say anything.

You can't... Oh, my God.

Dean, please.

That holy rolling hypocrite. I love it.

Timbo, this is pure gold.

Please don't.

All right, listen. We look like a couple of homos out here.

Let's go in the room and discuss this like gentlemen,

over Bloody Mary's.

You're freaking out. Your world is crumbling.

It's your first ASMI.

I get it.

Here.

Welcome to the jungle, Timbo.

Now, my ex, Patti,

well-established fact that this broad

is a serious cunt stain, am I right?

But she's got it to where the kids hate my guts.

I'm the bad guy.

Except, when our 17-year-old daughter comes home pregnant,

who's the one who's so depressed

she can't come out from under the afghan on the goddamn couch?

Patti. And who's the one who's planning the baby shower

and taking Meg to the gyno and all that shit?

The fucking Deanzie.

What are you talking about?

What I'm talking about, Tim,

is, even though I may be a blowhard

and, let's face it, kind of a jagoff,

I'm there for the people that need me.

And I don't spill my friends' beans.

Now, tell me this.

Are we friends?

Yeah.

Did you feel that?

Something just happened right now.

Now, you're with Deanzie,

and I'm not letting go.

And believe me, I would love to expose

Orin Helgesson's hypocritical bullshit.

But if you're asking me not to, I won't, because you're my friend.

Thank you.

Now you see how dark this place is.

All right, I got tiger scratches on my back

from 20 years in this business.

Let me tell you something.

If you wanna survive,

you either gotta fight the tiger

or you gotta dance with the tiger.

Like Roger did.

How do you make the tiger dance?

You gotta show him a little teat.

How'd it go with Helgesson, big guy?

I think I did a fair to middling job.

Oh, Tim, don't forget,

your one-on-one with Orin starts in 10 minutes.

President Helgesson.

Come in. Have a seat on the davenport.

President Helgesson, what I'd like to talk to you about today

are risk mitigation mechanisms available to...

You came down here to the big show, Tim,

and you got the little twinklies in the eye,

and you succumbed to the call of a floozy.

I just want to say I'm really sorry

for my role in the malfeasance in the pool.

You blew it, Tim. You blew it.

I need the Two Diamonds.

Well, you should have thought of that

before you took off your big boy pants.

No, no.

Please, just...

All right, now you take a minute to compose yourself

and then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

I'm prepared to show you a little teat.

Will you dance with me, President Helgesson?

Do you wanna...

We can dance.

Tim... I have money.

I can give you money.

(CHUCKLES)

Interesting.

You know, Tim, one thing that Roger knew.

Roger knew that if you want to win, you...

I like the way you put it,

you have to be prepared to show a little teat.

It's a $50 traveler's check. It's fully insured.

Well, so it is. So it is.

What else you got hiding in there?

I brought $1,500 in checks

in case of an emergency.

Well, this sure seems like an emergency to me.

Congratulations, Mr. Two Diamond Award winner.

Looks like I just found the next Roger Lemke.

You remember that petition to recall

BrownStar's Two Diamond Awards?

I just made that disappear.

Poof! Gone. Rainmaker.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

BREE: Hey, can I bum a heater?

Yeah.

So, you wanna party?

Maybe.

Maybe later? Maybe later.

All right, I'll be around.

Hey, can I bum a heater?

All right.

Hey, butterscotch.

You look like you're in serious need of some relaxation.

Yeah.

That's okay, I don't have any money anyway.

No, no, no, I didn't mean that.

I'm going to a party at my Uncle Ken's house. You should come.

I don't know, Bree. I did something today I don't feel very good about.

I do that, like, every day.

How could I do that?

You know, it seems like your subconscious is all, like, talking shit.

Like, "Fuck you, man." You know?

Yeah, I just... I'm a criminal now.

I mean, that was a criminal act.

It's kind of like, you can't keep your emotions

in these little cages like little animals, you know,

like coyotes and armadillos and shit.

It's like, they just want to break free. Right, Uncle Ken?

Yeah. Pass me that Q, Bree.

Whoa.

Is that...

You... Wait, you can't...

I don't know, is that safe?

This would be marijuana, I take it?

(LAUGHING)

Lt'll make you feel better.

Suck the glass dick, dude.

It's not...

Suck that fucking dick, man.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, jeez.

(SHOUTING)

Yeah! Yeah!

Butterscotch lit up.

(BREE SHRIEKS)

TIM: It's so pretty out here.

Hey, you're getting fat. Fuck your mom.

What? Fuck wad.

Everyone's cool. I promise, man.

(LAUGHS) Hey, nice suit, faggot.

Leave him alone, Gary.

Fuck you, whore.

Hey, that's not very cool.

Yes, it was. It was pretty cool.

Suck the shit out of my cock, Gary.

Okay, let's schedule that.

There we go. Magic's happening. Okay.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

Danny? Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance.

Danny's gone away. But, here's Johnny.

(CROWD LAUGH)

And a shining good evening... Where is Timbo?

This is weird. I wanna know what happened at that one-on-one today.

Since when did you care about stuff like that, Ziegler?

Let's just say I'm worried. All right?

Yeah, I'm a little worried myself.

He was really pissed at me this morning.

Oh, I know. Believe me.

We talk about everything. He's practically my best friend at this point.

You just met him two days ago.

You know what, blow me, Ronald.

It's not my problem if you're too goddamn afraid

to tell another man that you love him.

What is his cell phone number?

I don't know. I don't have it.

I've got it.

Here, no, no, no. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him.

He's not gonna recognize your voice.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Timbo, you're missing the show.

Deanzie!

I miss you. I miss your smile.

Yeah, yeah, I miss your smile, too. What are you doing?

I'm high on drugs.

I'm a 110% blotto.

Where are you, buddy? I'll come meet you right now.

You wanna party, Deanzie?

Yeah, you know me.

Good.

Bree, Deanzie wants to party.

BREE: Yeah!

How does he get here?

I used to worship these guys.

I thought they were like, terrific

and important and like...

(SNIFFS)

And like, they were good to other people and they did the right thing

and they were special like the Founding Fathers of America.

Like Thomas Jefferson.

Yes! NTS.

Bree, not too shabby.

Ron... What?

Is there something wrong with your van?

No, there's nothing wrong with the van.

Why is it going so slow?

RONALD: I don't wanna mess around and get a ticket.

ZIEGLER: Ron, the car's gonna stall

if you go any slower than this.

JOAN: Look, there's a turtle, that's going faster than us.

Where? ZIEGLER: She's kidding, Ron.

JOAN: There he is.

You're smart. You are.

And you're pretty, and you're sweet, and you're insightful.

You're insightful. Like a guidance counselor.

(LAUGHING)

And your smile, just then, when you do that.

Don't do that 'cause it makes me, like, happy. Too happy.

And you don't have to do those things that you do with, like, strangers.

You're good, and you don't need to do that.

You're so sweet, Tim.

But, you know, we're all just selling something.

A fuck, dope, insurance.

What about that guy you had to bribe for that award or whatever?

It's like we're all just selling something.

I know, and it's a major bummer. You just bummed me out.

What you said just bummed me out.

I'm so bummed out right now.

(LAUGHING)

I'm so bummed out.

Oh, man. This place is bad news.

All right, look. You guys go in the front door,

I'm gonna go around back.

Sounds good, Rambo.

Do you know what an RIP license app is?

You don't, do you? You don't even know.

You're probably uninsured. You have it all figured out.

I bet you don't even have a toothbrush.

Come on, Tim, don't.

What?

Hey!

We don't want any trouble. We're just here to get our friend.

I got a fucking toothbrush.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

BREE: That's enough.

Gary, he's cool. I said he's cool.

TIM: Don't do that to Bree.

Don't push! Don't push Bree.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Can we help you?

Yeah, maybe you can. I'm looking for a friend of mine.

He's a skinny guy, wearing a suit and tie. Have you seen him?

(LAUGHING)

Eat me, cop.

I'm not a cop, Joan Jett.

So, clean out your ears and tell me... You know what, man,

what's your fucking problem? Really? I don't have a problem.

Look, I'm just asking a question.

You want a little piece of this?

No, I don't... Ow!

No, stop! Okay, that's enough.

Hey, stop!

MAN 1: Here, grab my hand. MAN 2: Grab his hand!

MAN 1: Grab my hand. I'm trying to help you up. Grab my hand.

MAN 2: Let him help you.

What are we gonna do?

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

Come on.

Come on?

Hey. Hey, Hey!

MAN 3: Who's this motherfucker?

I may look like some suit wearing businessman to y'all,

truth is, I'm straight up gangster.

And I always keep one in the chamber in case you pondering.

So, I suggest for the time being,

you let my nigger be, motherfucker.

Come on. Get up.

Indeed.

Timbo!

What about Ziegler?

Ziegler will be coming. Just start the car.

Bye, butterscotch.

See you tomorrow.

Butterscotch, come back. Come on.

Just go back inside.

Here, here, here. Take a beer for the road.

There he is, there he is. Stop.

Don't stop. Don't stop.

I'll catch up.

JOAN: Just go slowly. GIRL: Where you going?

I thought you were gonna kick the shit out of us?

No, no.

Come on, faggot. We're just getting to know you, bro.

Hey, wait, wait up for me, wait.

Bree, what are you doing? Bree, get back here.

Who are you? I'm friends with that dude.

You're friends with Timbo? Yeah. Fuck, yeah!

I'm his best friend. Get in there.

Move. Hit it, Ronimal.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

My God, you guys.

You know her? Yeah.

Yeah, you know me. She's my friend.

Yes, I've been... 'Cause she's like, "He's my friend."

I was like, "Yeah, he's my friend.

"Get in the van." What are we doing here?

Timbo, what the hell happened back there?

I don't know. I was on the floor getting kicked,

and then I looked up and Ronald was like,

talking like a ghetto person. He was.

I don't like to brag, but I do a pretty convincing Omar

from the HBO program The Wire.

"At least those crackers back yonder seemed to buy it."

I love it. Crackers.

That's exactly like they say it, Ronimal.

Put them up. That's incredible.

Watch this guy, he's got tricks. I'm telling you.

Good night. Good night.

Bree! No, Tim.

Why don't you come back with me?

Oh, no, that's not gonna happen.

BREE: Thanks for being so cool.

I love you.

Jesus.

I love you, too.

(CRYING) I love you so much.

(BOTH MOANING)

You could fuck me in the ass if you want.

Oh, no. Okay.

Maybe another time, Timbo.

I have heard about that.

Good night. I wanna do that.

Bye-bye. Wait.

Night-night, Tim. Bree.

This is a great place you got. We gotta hit the road.

TIM: Her eyes are like round oceans. ZIEGLER: Yeah.

TIM: And her freckles.

But she's a prostitute and I sold my soul a little.

ZIEGLER: All right, Timbo. Just keep it down.

Bree sells her body,

but I sold my soul.

Okay. Why don't you guys get some sleep.

I'll stay up with him and make sure he doesn't chew his arm off.

Listen, whatever you did, buddy, you had to do,

and I ain't saying squat.

I sold my soul, Dean.

I know, I know.

Okay, lie down.

(SINGING) You promised to bring me a pocket of posies

You promised to bring me a pocket of posies

Johnny's so long at the fair

Oh, dear! What can the matter be?

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, dear! What can the matter be?

Johnny's so long at the fair

Joan, I'm sorry I called you a prostitute. You're not a prostitute. I am.

You're just a really nice lady.

(SHUSHING) It's okay.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Bill? Hey, Ron.

Bill? What are you doing here?

Hey, Tim.

Joan.

The Kroger. I love it.

Ziegler, Jesus. What the hell is this?

Some kind of goddamn pajama party or something?

No, it's a circle jerk, Bill.

Drop your pants and grab some lube.

Oh, that's nice. No, I'm here to give some good news to someone.

Orin called me. He tipped me off,

I don't know how the hell you did it,

but we won.

And, well, it's the darndest thing,

it seems like winning four awards in a row

has made us look pretty attractive to certain folks.

Mike Pyle is buying BrownStar.

You're selling?

That's why I drove down here.

Gonna sign the contracts in the morning.

Boy, it's a super deal, too. Super.

Only snag is, and you gotta know,

I fought like a goddamn wild cat on this.

Pyle is shutting down the Brown Valley office.

What?

No, don't worry about it. I got Pyle to fold you in to the Milwaukee office.

Bill...

No, stop it. Do not thank me.

Do not thank me. You earned it. You earned it. It was all you.

Tell you what, why don't you get some sleep and we'll talk in the a.m.

Does that sound good to you? That's what we'll do.

All right. Ron.

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

(RINGING)

Hello?

Hey, Kurt Gambsky, it's Tim Lippe.

Hey. It's Tim Lippe.

I am awful sorry to bother you at this hour,

but, Kurt, I have to ask you something.

RONALD: I'm sorry to call you so late.

I'm calling on behalf of Tim Lippe.

Oh, Tim Lippe, yes. Go ahead.

I'm not selling anything,

I just wanna explain something to you for two minutes.

Do you have two minutes?

Of course.

Well, he certainly values you as a customer and I was just wondering,

if he needed to reach out to you,

would you be willing to help him out?

You bet. Tim rocks.

Here we go.

It is my privilege to announce the Two Diamond winner,

our friends from BrownStar Insurance,

Bill Krogstad, I see you there. Come on, come on.

Front row, he's in the front row. Let's hear it for him.

Oh, man, this is great. Thanks, Orin.

This is so great.

I think this is kind of a bittersweet honor, folks,

because, after 25-plus years,

I'm gonna be selling BrownStar.

Yeah, to this son of a gun right here, Mike Pyle.

Let's hear it for him. Come on up here, Mike.

Bill and I wanted to take this opportunity

to finally put pen to paper on our deal.

Guys, hold on a minute.

Tim Lippe, everyone.

Hi, everyone.

As you just heard, Mike Pyle wants to buy BrownStar,

but only if it's a Two Diamond rated agency.

And for good reason, because the Two Diamond Award

is synonymous with modesty, integrity and hard work.

Which is why it might surprise you to find out

what I actually did to win this award.

I went into my one-on-one session with Orin

in the Tiffany Suite,

and we engaged in a filthy act

of which I am totally ashamed.

I let Orin inside of me,

where he tainted the most sacred and special part of me.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Of course, I'm talking about my integrity,

(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)

Which I thought was priceless,

but turns out it's only worth $1,500

because that's what I paid Orin to get this award.

(LAUGHS) Tim, I think there's some mistake here.

No mistake.

No, I think I have receipts for the back dues.

You can't hide from the truth, Orin.

When I got to Cedar Rapids,

I was scared and I trusted the wrong people.

I thought, because I was from a small town,

I couldn't think for myself.

Boy, was that a mistake.

ASMI deserves an award that actually stands for something,

and I just hope that by the time I come back next year,

maybe I will have shown you that

I really understand what that means again.

I'm really sorry.

Hey, Bill, the award was part of the deal. I know that.

This is a problem. We got a real mess here.

BILL: Nothing I can't change.

You don't have the award. A deal is a deal.

It's right there. You just saw him give it to me.

What are you talking about? This is a no go.

This is a no go.

I'm proud of you, Tim.

That was the right thing to do.

Lippe, you freaking goofy bastard.

After all I did for you, how dare you?

You fucked up a great deal.

No, that wasn't a good deal. It was a dirty deal.

You lied. Sold us down the river.

And you know what? I've had enough of it.

I called a bunch of my clients last night. They all said the same thing.

They said they trust me, and they want to stick by me,

and I wanna stick by them.

I'm gonna try to make a go of this on my own in Brown Valley.

You listen to me, kid.

This is my company and I'm selling it.

All right, well, you'll have to do it without my clients.

I've already got 17 of them committed to me in writing.

(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah? Really? We'll see about that.

It's squeaky clean, Bill. I've got the faxes right here.

Son of a bitch!

You did it.

That's fighting the tiger.

Wow. Right there.

Let's get this guy a cream sherry, tout de suite.

Way to stand them down.

TIM: I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

ZIEGLER: That was awesome.

Here you are, Mr. Lippe.

Thank you.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I don't know. I'm too doggone tired to answer the door.

(LAUGHING)

I love it. Classic Ronimal. Almost not a joke.

I'll tell you what, guys.

My cousin Bob, who is loaded by the way,

has a cottage in Lake of the Woods in Canada.

This summer, the three of us. What do you say?

More time in a tightly enclosed space with Ziegler.

Sign me up.

I think it sounds like an awesome idea.

Actually, the Ronimal could use a vacation.

Done and done.

Give me some sugar.

Oh!

Come on, Timbo. I love you, pal.

There she is. The belle of the ball.

Until the next ASMI, my dear.

Bye, Deanzie.

Stay foxy.

Call you tomorrow, Timbo.

Bye, Ron. Bye-bye.

See you, Ronimal. Bye.

So, you keep in touch.

E-mail, all that good stuff.

Yeah, I will. Of course.

Thanks, Insurance Man.

For what?

For a good time.

Oh, hey, you.

Jeez, what happened?

Well, let's see.

I got beat up, and I got completely blotto on drugs and alcohol,

and I befriended a prostitute.

It was awesome.

Well, I guess someone deserves two bags of honey roasted peanuts.

Wow, thanks, Sherri.

You bet. See you next time.

Two bags.

Awesome.

Why did the psychoanalyst prescribe anxiety drugs to the anxious doctor?

I don't know.

Because he had no patience.

(LAUGHING)

Okay. Ouch! Okay.

That was painful.

Okay, what's brown and sticky?

I don't know. What?

A stick.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

Oh, man. That's gross.

That's terrible, man.

Yes, you can.

No, you can't. I've heard...

No, it's not a wives tale. You can.

No, you can't really do that.

The flame would go up into your bottom and...

No, no, listen.

...blow you up or something. You know what?

I got one in the chamber right now. I got one right now.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my gosh.

(EXCLAIMING)

ZIEGLER: It went back up there a little bit.

Hi, I'm Dean Ziegler.

Hi, I'm Ronald Wilkes.

And I'm Tim Lippe.

There are a lot of risks out there today.

Which is why you need insurance from the best.

If you live in Wisconsin or Minnesota,

Top Notch Mutual has your insurance needs covered.

Because, no matter what happens...

(SCREAMS)

We got you. We got you.

(SCREAMS)

We got you. We got you.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Don't worry, little girl.

We got you. We got you.

Remember, call anytime...

Day or night. Because no matter what...

(SCREAMS)

We got you. We got you.

(BREAK MY STRIDE PLAYING)

Last night I had the strangest dream

I sailed away to China In a little row boat to find ya

And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned

Didn't want no one to hold you

What does that mean? And you said...

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride

I'm runnin' and I won't touch ground Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

You're on the road and now you pray it lasts

The road behind was rocky, but now you're feelin' cocky

You look at me and you see your past

Is that the reason why you're runnin' so fast

Never let another girl like you

Work me over

Never let another girl like you

Drag me under

If I meet another girl like you

I will tell her

Never want another girl like you

Have to say, oh

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride,

I'm runnin' and I won't touch ground Oh, no,

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride

I'm runnin' and I won't touch ground Oh, no