Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Yo, you finished taking your piss?

Could use some help over here.

How many barrels of this crap

did they have us dump here last summer?

Enough for us to pays the bills,

so we do what we do, right?

Where we moving 'em to?

About three miles down the freeway.

There's an old abandoned park down there off the 15.

Story Book Land!

I used to love that place!

My dad had these home movies of my younger brother and me

on the little firetrucks.

So cool.

This bitch is stuck.

Told those goombas from the city this is where we part ways.

After this gig is finished, we're done with 'em.

We shoulda be done with them a long time ago.

We get caught, no money's enough to save us from the feds.

Let's just open a weed shop.

No thanks.

How about a vintage VHS store like the '80s?

You mean like VCR VHS?

Be kind.

Rewind.

That's right, mock the VCR!

Back when you could tell what kind of person you were

by what kind of movies you rented.

You were either a top-loader or a front-loader.

What the hell are you babbling about?

This is one tough SOB.

Here.

Try this.

Wedge it under the bottom and rock it.

Great thinkin', Lincoln.

Where'd you get this from?

At the, um,

the video store.

Good one.

I think one more and we're good.

Kinda cradle it outta the mud, you know?

Seriously!

You coulda put my eye out with that.

Stop whining, you big baby.

Maybe not my eye, but I coulda got hurt.

Safety first, dude!

Says the man who's been

dropping this shit in the pond for years.

Good one.

Seriously, Jimmy, where the hell you getting all this wood?

It's here.

It's nailed to this old

'no trespassing' thing.

What thing?

I don't know.

It's an old-looking shack, I guess.

Maybe when this place used to be jumping,

they used to use this for storage for shit,

back when they used to come up here for gold.

That was here?

You catch on quick.

Gonna use you as my partner

when I start Grover's Vintage VHS and Head Shop Inc.

Hey, be careful over there.

You might lose your head.

What?

You don't watch horror movies?

This is where a guy jumps out with a mask and a machete.

Dude, quit making so much noise over there.

Maxine is here!

I'm leaving, Uncle Brody!

Coming, Max!

Hi.

Hey, love.

So, where's Dylan?

I couldn't get him up.

He was up all last night

working on his livestreaming show.

That's okay, he'll just have to drive in with Brody.

But we have a lot to do to get the campgrounds ready

in just a few days.

I hope I don't screw anything up.

Oh, you will.

But that's okay, you're just a kid.

And besides, this is your first real job!

Oh my god, high five, yeah!

It's my first job, bitches!

So, was your uncle up when you left?

I heard him coughing earlier.

Oh my god, it's because of all the drinking

and smoking that cigar.

He's got that old-man morning cough.

Oh my gosh, no, wait, that's so true.

It's so gross, but I love him.

I know.

Aww!

He's a good guy.

He is a good guy.

I left his uniform?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I ironed it.

Oh!

He better get ready!

That's wife material!

I...

Have you said that to him?

Dylan, are you still here?

You were supposed to head out with Maxine, your cousin.

I'm sorry, Uncle Brody, I forgot.

You forgot?

You didn't forget that video game at 2 AM.

Surprised you get cell service up here.

Well, it's not a video game, it's a livestream,

and, yeah, you are right.

The service is a bit spotty.

Can I stay home today, Uncle Brody?

You sick, boy?

No.

You got the runs?

No.

I should after dinner last night.

Then you're not staying home.

But,

I'm tired!

Can't I just relax, like even a little bit?

Relax a bit?

No.

Get up, make your bed, get washed up.

We're outta here in an hour.

Fine, I'll get ready.

Millennials.

Ah, thank you, Maxie.

I so love you.

And thank you, Lord, for giving me another day.

I don't hear that shower running yet!

Kiddo!

I'm going, Uncle Brody, I'm going!

Chief Brody MacReady.

Sure, we'd love to have you come down.

Can you call us back in 20 minutes?

All right, thank you.

Camp Taghkanic Lake State Park and Campground.

How can I help you?

Deanna, good morning, sweetie.

Oh, hey Chief.

Hey, can you take the phones off night mode forwarding

and route them back to the office?

Oh.

Are they still on night mode?

Hold on.

They are.

I'm sorry, I will take care of it for you.

Yeah, great.

All right, I'll see you shortly.

Okay, no worries, see ya soon.

Thank you.

Oh God, the coffee.

Let's go!

Geez, I'm coming.

Let's go, Ranger Brody.

Ahem!

We're gonna be late, Smokey.

Millennials.

Who you texting?

I'm not texting anyone.

I'm uploading a video.

Never mind.

Let's get in work mode.

It's the summer, Uncle B.

And what does that mean?

Doesn't mean you get a pass.

No, not with me.

Told your father I'd take you for the summer

and teach you the finer things in life.

Like getting laid.

What?

No.

I'm talking about the outdoors, sports,

interacting with kids your own age,

rather than sitting behind a laptop all summer.

Maybe teach you some survival skills?

Okay.

Then maybe you can get yourself laid,

as long as you understand what that means.

Protect yourself.

Use a con...

Are we seriously gonna have this conversation?

I was just kidding, Uncle B.

We can, if you'd like.

Nah.

This is ridiculous, I'm so tired.

Oh wait, here we go, here we go.

Hey, hey.

Hey now.

Hey.

Hey.

Hello?

Hey, hey!

Aw, come on!

Jesus Christ!

Steve, how much longer?

I don't know.

A mile, maybe two.

Morning, Charlie.

Looking real good, nice job.

That dude is disturbing.

He's had a tough life.

Is Lenny still on schedule

for the final inspection tomorrow?

What'd he go to prison or something?

That's what I always love about you, Charlie.

You always get things done.

Let's talk later.

No.

He lost everything he loved

to the Thomas wildfire a few years ago.

I wanted to help.

Gave him a job and a place to live.

He lives in one of the vacant cabins down by the stables.

Oh, I didn't know that.

'Cause he's a real person, not something you plug in.

Learn much more about people

once you pop the cartridge outta the game console.

What's a cartridge?

Millennials.

Camp Taghkanic Lake State Park and Campground.

How can I help you?

Oh sure, yeah, no problem at all!

Okay, I'm gonna put you on hold for one second.

Hey, Deanna.

Hey, you!

Oh, I have shirts for you and Naomi.

We just got 'em in.

You a medium?

I'm a small, but I'll take a medium for my cousin.

Okay, perfect.

All of the sizes should be in the boxes.

Also, later on, these need to go in the storage area

in the basement.

We got a small delivery in as well.

Can you take those too?

- Yeah, sure. - Perfect, okay.

Yes, I'm back.

Huh, okay, cabin one.

That's weird, it looks like we have a Marion in cabin...

Oh, cabin four; I gotcha, I gotcha.

No, thank you for sticking around.

No problem at all, I'll get somebody right over there.

Okay, thanks again.

Bye-bye now.

Morning, Chief.

Here you go.

Just wanna let you know

that we all can breathe a little better now.

Everything is perfect and in order.

PH levels are straight.

There's no negative readouts

or any toxins surrounding the lake

to the beach to a three-mile radius around the campground.

And I'll make sure I check on the tunnels in the fall.

Deputy Jaeckel, it sounds exciting.

What are you telling me?

I am saying congratulations,

Chief Park Ranger Brody MacReady.

Yes, sir!

After 27 years sitting dormant,

your park and campground is officially open to the public.

Sir, you are official.

I mean, we did have the temporary one hanging up,

but now we got the actual one.

Wow, this is exciting, this new chapter in my life.

The land is officially ready!

Yes!

And congrats to all you fine park rangers

for your hard work and dedication.

This place was a dump.

Companies drove for miles to use

this place as their own landfill.

Hundreds of animals died from the various toxins

that were poured into the lake and seeped into the soil.

But with you, several members of Congress' hard work,

we were able to clean this place up

and turn it back into a state park again.

Now this is the beginning.

We have a lotta work to finish this weekend

before we officially reopen next week.

But thank you.

Let's keep this thing going.

Chief, are we still offering that early-bird special.

Yeah, we'll turn that till the end of the weekend, yes.

How are the bookings going?

Almost at capacity.

- Which week? - All of them.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, again, congratulations, Chief.

I'm gonna go out and make some runs

and just wanted to let you know I'm proud of you.

Matter of fact, let me rephrase that.

I'm proud of all of us.

Yes, sir.

Ohhh.

Ohhhhhh.

I'm so proud of you, Uncle Brody.

Thanks, honey.

You work so hard, and you did it.

You do use it.

Oh, how would that look?

My niece stays with me the whole summer

and I don't use her gift?

Wait, so you're only using it because I'm here?

Ohhh.

No, no no no, he uses it all the time.

Come here, come here, Naomi.

I wanna get you organized.

Okay, and look at you, you're doing great.

Maxine, thanks for going the extra mile with her.

Aww, you got it, babe.

I mean Chief Babe.

Yeah.

Okay, so listen, troops, this what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go down to the basement.

We're gonna take all the folders

and put them on the shelves, okay?

Okay, so yesterday you said that you wanted us

to file some in the storage room.

Do you still want us to do that since we'll be down there?

Naomi needs help putting up the boxes in the storage room.

Okay, we'll definitely do that,

but I need to tackle that souvenir shop, okay?

That's right, well, I can help clean up the basement

if Naomi helps me with that.

Okay, yeah, that's a good idea.

So this is what we'll do.

We will clean up the room, and then take care

of the paperwork, I'll take you guys out to lunch,

and then we'll do the souvenir shop, deal?

Yeah.

Good job, thank you.

Steve, how much longer?

I don't know, a mile, maybe two.

You said that four miles ago.

I just don't get why no one wants to pick up

hitchhikers anymore, it's like everyone's

just out for themselves.

Because don't wanna get kidnapped.

Kidnapped? Amy, we're in the mountains,

not the fricking third-world country.

Don't be so naive, Steve.

This is where the nut jobs breed, in these mountains.

The Santa Maria Mountains, are you kidding?

No, why are you laughing at me?

Because, that was funny.

- Really? - Really.

I think this is the campground.

We just have to find the lodge to check in.

I think I heard something.

It sounds like it's moving around us.

Oooo, what's the matter?

Well I think I heard something.

What, a car?

No, I think I heard like a...

A mass killer trying to stalk us on the way to camp?

No, schmuck, I think I heard a growl or something.

Like, as in an animal.

An animal?

Yes, we are in the mountains.

An animal growl, like a tiger?

A tiger, where do you think we are?

I meant mountain lion, not tiger.

You said tiger, who even says that?

Help me, please.

Ooh, creepy.

Yeah, I'm good carrying that big box.

Thank you for asking, really appreciate it.

Oh, you're welcome.

This place gives me the heeby jeebies.

Yeah.

I hate storage rooms with tools.

There are just too many bad things that could happen.

Yeah, someone definitely got killed here.

Why would you say that?

What's this?

Whooaaa.

I don't know what that is.

I wonder what's in here.

Oh my gosh , it smells really bad, though.

Come on, let's check this out.

It's windy in here.

I bet it leads to somewhere.

The outside?

Go on, Captain Obvious.

I know the wind is scary.

Actually, when I was a little girl,

I always thought that the howling of the wind

meant something bad was gonna happen.

Huh.

Okay, cool theory there, loser.

Thanks.

Come on, let's check out this part of the tunnel.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Come on, where's your sense of adventure, Cuz?

I think it's a tunnel.

A hallway, something like that?

There's gotta be an exit, because that's what's

trapping the wind, right, there's a draft?

It's a mining shaft.

It hasn't been used in forever,

so it's probably dangerous as hell.

No upkeep means craziness.

I heard my mom talking about it with Uncle Brody.

You know that's the reason why him and Aunt Linda broke up?

She didn't want him to do this, but, it was his passion.

Yeah, I never really liked Aunt Linda.

She had those really hairy arms and that mustache.

Though, I do think Maxine is pretty hot.

Okay, let's be respectful.

Come on, let's check this section of the tunnel out.

Yo!

Pinocchio!

Okay, I'm pretty sure I heard something back there.

Yo ho!

Uh.

I don't like this.

Yo, what's up, my bitches?

Bitches?

I'm not a bitch.

I'm not a bitch!

We're here live in the tunnel,

checking out some creepy shit.

Dylan, seriously, stop.

Why?

I'm sorry, it's just

creeping me out, okay, can we just go,

get lunch with Maxine, okay?

What was that?

Something you need to go check out.

Don't, stop!

Octavia.

Oh, hey Marge.

Yeah yeah yeah, how are you?

How's the real estate business?

Yeah, okay.

Um, yeah.

Naw, when can I come check out the property?

Tomorrow?

Today, no no no, I can't do it today.

I'm off tomorrow.

Yeah yeah yeah, I can't do it.

Right.

Yeah, I understand.

Yeah, we're reopening next week.

Yeah, Santa Maria Mountains.

Yeah but we definitely cannot do it then.

It'd take me and my wife two hours

to come to Los Angeles, but look, Marge,

I definitely have to get off the phone.

We'll talk about, talk about the property later.

All right, all right, take care, Marge, bye-bye.

Hello?

Is anybody out here?

Johnny, you see anybody?

Good boy, stay.

This is a park ranger.

What is going on?

Don't see anybody out here.

Hello?

Park ranger.

Hello?

Is any?

What the?

Shit?

Ohhhh.

This is insane.

I'm at the deluxe cabin to see DiStefano.

Copy that, Chief.

DiStefanos?

Oh, he's probably checking in on the scratch noises.

That makes sense.

Did I call the extermin, did I call the exterminator?

I didn't call the exterminator.

He's in the back, he's finishing off a couple of things.

Great, thank you.

Hey, Paulie, who was that?

Oh, you.

Yeah, come on in.

How are you?

So, can I get you a drink or something?

We have water, sparkling or flat.

Iced tea, beer and soda.

No, thank you, I appreciate it, thanks.

How about you, Paulie, you want something?

No, that's okay, I'm good, thanks a lot.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

What can I do for you, Chief?

I'm sorry, did you hurt yourself?

Do you need first-aid attention?

No, no, it's the craziest thing.

What's that?

What?

You said it's the craziest thing.

Yeah, it was.

What's that?

What can I do for you, Chief?

Well, Mr. DiStefano, you...

No, no, that's my father.

You call me Marco.

It's nice to meet you, Marco,

and welcome to Camp Taghkanic Lake State Park.

I am chief Brody McReady, I am the park ranger in charge.

Well, what can I do for you, park ranger in charge?

You had called the office,

complaining about some scratching noises.

Oh yeah yeah yeah, that was Paulie.

He said there was some sorta noise down in the basement.

That was no frigging raccoon.

That noise was loud, I'm thinking like a bear.

Like a bear?

Yeah.

Like you know what a bear sounds like, JoJo.

Did you hear a scratching or a roar, bec...

Nah, it's scratching, JoJo, scratching.

Look, Benny heard it too, ask him.

Benny?

Yeah, Benny, he's a little tied up right now.

Look, you're probably right, it was probably just a coon.

You can't say that anymore, Marco, it's racist.

What's the matter with you, have you gone stupid?

I'm confused here.

What just happened?

Nothing, you're right, it was probably just a raccoon.

How do we get this raccoon to go away?

I have an exterminator coming by tomorrow.

I can have him stop by here first.

That works.

The exterminator's the last thing to get done

before we officially reopen next week.

What, reopen?

Reopen back to the public.

I have a few guests, including yourself,

that took advantage of the early-bird special.

We didn't even know that was happening.

So how long you guys with us?

We're trying to sort that out now.

You know, couple days, maybe more.

It just matters how much Benny can take.

Okay, well, I'll leave you guys

and coordinate with the exterminator.

Yeah yeah.

Chief, you got your ears on?

Yeah, Jaeckel.

Hey, can you meet me by the lake crossing by TK421?

Sure, all good?

Affirmative.

All right, give me 15, I'm on my way.

Copy that.

Ohhh, I cannot believe this.

Well it was great meeting you guys.

Oh, please fill out our little rating card.

I would really appreciate your feedback in staying with us.

Yeah, and you'll get that exterminator over here tomorrow?

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Mr. DiSte...

Marco.

Yeah, yeah, get outta here.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Yeah, so, just matches exactly

like what Deputy Jaeckel says.

All right, thanks.

Of course, Chief.

Chief, so what now?

What now?

Let's get something straight, this is my park.

I am responsible, I am the chief park ranger.

I investigate first, then I make the call.

You do not call the state police, an ambulance

or even damn animal control,

or anyone else before calling me.

Do you understand me?

Sorry, Chief, I was just following protocol.

No, protocol coulda stopped you

when you called dispatch, which you did not do.

Now, I have a potential frenzy, and we're back

under the microscope before the season begins.

Jaeckel?

What's all over your uniform?

It's, um, it's shit, sir.

Yeah, smells like rat shit actually.

How do you even know what rat shit smells like?

I used to be an exterminator back in the day, so

dealt with it otherwise.

All right, go get yourself cleaned up.

Look, Chief, I'm sorry, I guess...

No, I get it.

You're new at this.

It's totally different than being a youth counselor.

But you can't sound the alarm at everything you find.

That'll cause chaos, people could get hurt.

Follow the standard operating procedures.

All right, safety first, all around.

Cool?

Yes, sir.

Come back when you get cleaned up.

You're right, you smell like shit.

Smell like rat shit.

Okay, so tomorrow, what do you say you and I

have a girls' day together?

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah.

Well, does that mean no work or like?

Well, tomorrow is Sunday, so usually we only have

like a half a day, so I was thinking we could go

to the lake, get our tans on,

you know, before the season gets really busy.

Yeah, that sounds really fun.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know if Uncle Brody's gonna let me go.

Hello, I got you, okay.

It's totally me and you.

Did my mom play with you guys growing up?

She did.

She was a bit older than your uncle,

so she had her own friends.

She was very good at sports like basketball, handball.

Really?

Yeah.

Huh.

I had no idea.

She never talked to us about any of that.

Then again, she never really talked

about her childhood at all.

We all had a great childhood.

Our parents weren't rich, but we felt rich.

They bought us just enough things for us to be happy.

Always showed us love.

That's what we continue to do with you guys.

Yeah, the call was made to him.

He just gave us orders to prep the room.

When did he say he was gonna come?

I don't know, sometime tomorrow.

Where's Paulie?

You know Paulie, he's on the shitter,

or he's on the phone, who knows where he is?

Hey, Benny, just tell me why, that's all we need to know.

Then this whole thing'll be over quickly.

Come on, Benny.

I'll even personally take care of your family.

I never sold you out, never.

This is wrong.

I took the oath for you guys.

Why would I do it?

I am not a rat.

Tell me, what did my dad and you used to do again?

We used to challenge the rest of the street kids

to good old bare-knuckle fights.

Why?

Because it's fun.

Two brothers against the rest of the street kids?

It's exciting, created a bond between us.

That's something your generation doesn't really have.

Your generation doesn't do anything in reality.

I get that, but

at least my generation has...

Lack of the real world.

Look, technology is amazing.

The ability to text and video chat with your friends

is great, but your generation shouldn't just do

sports in school because it's a class.

Now I'm not saying fighting is cool.

Thank you, or everything that we did

growing up was all good.

But it created real-life experiences like no other.

To physically hit a ball or tackle your friends

in a football game?

Couple of fights here and there, it's real life.

You piece of shit, rat.

We should just do him now, never mind the cleaner.

I hate rats.

And you're gonna tell us where you hid

the payoff money the feds gave you.

Huh?

What did you promise the feds?

We vouched for you.

We may have to go on the lam because of you!

How could you rat us out, huh?

Why would you rat us out?

All right, look at all this delicious food.

Thank you, ladies.

Dylan, wanna say grace?

Sure.

Dear God, uh,

thank you for all of us for being here.

Please nourish this food to our bodies

and let's have a good day tomorrow.

- Amen. - Amen.

Hey, Dylan, did you tell Uncle Brody about your new job?

You should tell him, Dylan.

It's awesome, and very impressive.

Yeah?

I have a online channel where I post videos

and make a little bit of money.

Oh, what kinda videos?

Just stuff that's important to me.

Yeah, he has a whole channel where he just talks

about rapping, movies and music.

That's kinda why I always have my phone on me.

While you think I'm texting,

I'm actually getting ideas for my show.

And you get paid?

Yes, sir, pretty good, too.

Last month, he made $15,000.

Wow.

That's like serious nest egg, I mean, that's great.

And you know, his dad takes the money, puts it in savings

so he can get it when he graduates college?

My brother never mentioned your little side business.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah, not all millennials are lazy.

Still should get out and play sports too.

Enjoy being a kid.

Okay, so tomorrow, I'm gonna take Naomi and Deana,

and we're gonna go to the lake.

And I think that maybe you and Dylan

should do some, bonding.

Aw, honey, I'm on call all day tomorrow.

I gave Jaeckel the day off.

Oh.

Can I still hang out with you anyways, Uncle Brody?

Sure, you can help me fill the generators with gasoline.

Then maybe we can take the boat out.

Oh.

You should do a segment about it.

Can I be the topic?

Sure.

We can also get Dad involved

and you guys talk about the good old days.

Now you're talking.

15,000?

Yeah.

Cheers, cheers to that.

Why would you rat us out?

Your father was a rat too, wasn't he?

Huh, he was on the witness protection.

I gotta go back and talk to Jimmy Little.

You're gonna tell us right now what the feds did!

You're gonna tell us right now!

I love you guys.

I'm not a rat.

You're a rat.

You are a rat, and Jimmy Little told me to take care

of you now, and I am taking care of you now.

You are a rat, tell us where the money is!

Brody?

Jaeckel?

Hello?

Camp Taghkanic Lake State Park and Campground,

how can I help you?

No, great, thank you.

All right.

I'm gonna grab the marshmallows.

Thank you.

Yeah.

- Oh, I love s'mores. - Who wants to roast?

Roasting here?

I think I need to put my pants on.

Here.

Maybe this'll warm us up.

Be better if it was coffee.

Anyone?

Looks like you and me, babe.

Yeah, and a whole group of friends.

Just make enough for everyone.

♪ Down the hill it came ♪

♪ Slow-rolling train ♪

Well, may I?

Oh no, what are you gonna sing, Archie?

Something everyone can join in on.

Oh please, no Kumbaya, no Kumbaya.

Hey, it's campfire karaoke Archie.

You think I can't do it.

I did not say.

I take the Fifth.

Gather round, friends.

Witness me proving Zoe wrong yet again.

Should I take over?

Yes.

I think Archie has stage fright.

Me?

Never.

You'll like this.

♪ Michael, row the boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Michael, row the boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Brother, lend a helping hand ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Brother, lend a helping hand ♪

Hm-mm, come on.

Let's go, I'm gonna take a quick shower.

Can you pack up the car?

Uh-huh.

I would love to make my sister's engagement party.

Amber, I will get you home in time, relax.

Come here for a minute.

No.

No.

Come on, Steve, I wanna get to the reunion.

You are still in the same spot that I left you in.

I was waiting for you.

Come on, babe, you promised.

Hey, here, come here, hey hey hey.

Just for a minute, just for a minute, okay.

No, Timmy, twice is fine for now.

One more round.

You said that the first time.

Okay.

You said after a kiss, we're headed back.

Okay.

And then we kissed.

And then you wanted to fool around.

So we fooled around.

Yeah, just for a minute, come here.

Come here.

And then you said, babe, let's make love,

so then we made love.

But what other guy has Miss February

as his girlfriend to make love to all the time?

You, Mister, are truly amazing.

No, we're going, we are going.

I am so damn.

I hear, I agree.

Come to me, run, run!

Help, help me.

Hello?

What are you singing?

Oh no, come on.

This isn't a St. Matthias retreat.

Sing something different.

No wonder why our group gets smaller and smaller each year.

That wasn't fair.

All right, you didn't like that one?

Understatement.

Okay, how about this one?

♪ Hang down your head, Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Hang down your head and cry ♪

♪ Hang down your head, Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Poor boy, you're bound to die ♪

♪ Whoo hoo, yeah ♪

Hey, you're burning them.

Miles, you can't even roast, what's wrong with you?

That bush.

It's getting closer.

Screw the bush, does anyone have signal.

I'm pretty wasted.

Are you stoned?

What did you smoke with Archie?

I might be a little wasted.

Yeah, you think?

I wonder what's down there.

What's up, everybody, you're back here with Dylan T.

And we're here to check out this tunnel.

Lotta things I wanna do here this summer,

but the first thing we're gonna do

is go on a little adventure.

Come along with me, and we'll discover it together.

Let me know in the comments where you think this will end

or you think if I'll find anything.

Can't read all your comments right now, but I will

make sure that I respond to each and every one of you.

Kinda smells bad, kinda smells like shit.

Smells like rotting meat or something like that.

Apparently, this used to be an old mine, a goldmine at that.

Maxine told me to talk to you about unpacking your mess.

She stated, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump.

That's okay.

I was thinking just that.

What's up?

I double checked on all of our current occupancies,

and we don't have anybody registered

for Plot 43 at the lake, we don't have anybody

staying on this side of the lake at all, actually,

but we have the reunion group down by the canyon,

we have DiStefanos in Cabin Four, and then we have

the bikers retreat by Haven Ridge

as well as Charlie over by the pond.

Okay, okay, I get it.

Has anyone needed anything since they checked in?

Other than the DiStefanos?

No, everybody's been great, no issues.

It's been pretty much dead.

Great.

Also, Jaeckel's off today, right?

Yes, I believe he and his wife

are looking at some property today.

That's what I remember him saying.

His wife has called at least three times today.

She said that he didn't come home last night.

Really?

Maybe he fell asleep at the stables, lost track of time.

I'll take a look in a bit.

Dylan?

All right, I'll check back in with you here in a few.

Dylan?

Coming.

You really have to clean these up.

Geez.

Where were you all this time?

I was in the basement.

Did you know that there are tunnels under here?

Tunnels? No.

What's with the bat?

Hey, stay outta the tunnels.

I'm not sure if they're safe.

That's my fall project, and only if they're safe

are we allowed to get back in there.

They seem pretty safe.

I mean, they smell really bad,

but I'm pretty sure that they're safe.

I think the one under here actually leads to the lake.

Hey, hey, hey, stay outta the tunnels.

This is my last warning, kid.

I don't think they're safe.

Yes, sir.

All right, now, do me a favor.

Head down to the stables, see if Jaeckel's there.

If he is, wake him up,

tell him to call his wife and go home.

- Okay. - Thanks.

Hey, checked your channel out, it's nice.

Did you know that I sing too?

Hmm.

Can we go on the boat later?

Oh, yes.

I have to fill the generators first, then we go.

Okay.

What time you closing up?

Would about now, but with the exterminator being here,

I'll be here a while.

Who are you?

I hear you got a rodent problem.

Rodent?

Oh yeah, you're the guy that's here

to take care of the rat.

Hey, nice play on words.

Well, if there's a rat that needs to go away,

I'm your guy.

Well, we got him isolated in the back, come on in.

Hey, Marco, he's here!

Who are you, you're not MoMo.

I don't know no MoMo.

They sent me, Lenny, Lenny Cusumano.

Where you from, Lenny Cusumano?

Originally, or where I live now?

No, you sound like you're from back east.

You from Jersey?

I ain't no Jersey boy.

New York, Queens.

Cusumano?

Cusumano.

Cusumano from Flushing?

No, Cusumano from Whitestone.

Whitestone.

Whitestone, Cusumano.

Yeah, I heard that name before.

Cusumano, used to run the coffee shop

over at the Cross Island?

You mean Jackie's Place?

Yeah.

Oh, he's a nice guy, how is Jackie?

I don't know no Jackie.

No coffee, Cusumano, I ran the florist on 14th Avenue

and the pizza place over on Parsons.

The shopping center.

Cusumano, hey listen, fellas,

I got a busy day ahead of me, all right,

lotta calls to make.

Okay, lotta problems out here.

So, let's start with yours.

Where is this, um, rat?

The rat is in the back.

The rat's in the back?

Yeah, we were gonna do it ourselves,

but Richie from Inglewood said to call MoMo.

Yeah, we prepped everything and all.

You prepped the stuff?

Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something.

Rats, they can be tricky.

They're actually smart bastards.

Not this one.

Stupid ass walked right into a trap,

never even saw it coming.

Wow.

Yous guys really know how to camp, huh?

How you doing?

Just checking for droppings.

So this is, uh,

where you first learned about the rat, huh?

This where you heard the scratching?

No, no, that was down in the basement.

Oh the basement.

Oh.

Sounded like a raccoon.

It was a bear.

It wasn't a bear.

Either way it's a simple job.

Listen, I'll go out in the truck and get my tools and

be on my way.

What do you need your tools for?

We got everything laid out.

Those are for amateurs.

Yeah, no, I got pro stuff,

you know, neck snappers,

poison, sticky pads.

Sometimes peanut butter.

Yeah.

Uh, is this okay to take care of him here?

I don't see why not, once I get started.

It'll do.

Yeah.

Hey, Lenny?

I don't wanna stop on your toes

or tell you how to do your job,

but, uh,

he's meant a lot to us.

You know, I don't wanna see him suffer.

He won't.

I'll make it quick.

I'm part of the Humane Society.

Sticker's on my truck.

All right, I'll go get my tools and start in the basement.

What the hell does that mean?

Peanut butter?

Hey, how the hell did he know

about the scratching in the basement?

I don't know, how'd he know about the raccoon

and the rat and all that stuff?

It's a freaking bear.

What the hell did I get myself into?

Just get this job done.

He's the fricking exterminator.

You mean he's the exterminator?

He's not the cleaner?

What happened?

Cusumano, he's the fricking exterminator.

He's not the cleaner.

Oh, for the scratching problem, good.

He made us, he knows what we're gonna do to Benny!

Shut up, you idiot!

I'm gonna tell you what to do.

You're gonna go down in the basement,

you're gonna wait for him.

When he comes down and he signs off that he's finished,

you're gonna whack him, and we'll bury him

and Benny in the basement.

Now get the hell outta here!

Done.

All right.

Yeah.

Just get the job done.

Get in, get out.

You didn't see nothing.

That's what we need.

I didn't see nothing.

I didn't see nothing.

Just do this job and get outta here.

I didn't see nothing.

Where you at, Mr. Rat, huh?

Come on out.

Come out, come out wherever you are.

Come to Uncle Lenny, I got some rat drink for you.

You want some rat drink?

Come on.

Where you at?

I smell your stinking little ass, you little rat.

Where is that little fella that's keeping up

those gangsters at night, huh?

Ooh, I can't sleep, I hear some scratching sounds.

Yeah, like big scratching sounds.

Maybe it's a raccoon.

Yeah, stinking raccoon, what do you know, you goomba?

You ain't no professional.

Oh, I got you.

There you are, let me get a better look at you.

Oh ho.

There we are.

Look at that.

Oh.

Come get some rat drink, fella.

Get Lenny's proprietary rat drink.

You're gonna love the way it tastes.

What's the matter, Lenny's rat drink too cold for you, huh?

Oh that is a big freaking claw.

That's a big freaking mouse.

You are a big freaking rat.

Back.

Big freaking rat, run!

I want you to give me one good reason, Benny.

Hit him, man, hit him!

Hit him!

One reason why I shouldn't cap you right now.

Talk to him, Benny, talk.

Big freaking rat, big freaking rat.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, you've got a rat problem, all right.

I knew it.

No, not that, this rat!

We're gonna need a bigger trap.

Is that the coon?

That's no freaking raccoon!

It ain't a bear!

It's a big freaking.

Paulie.

Mmm, God.

I love girl time, when it's just us.

Mm, girl time is the best.

I get to have a little bit of it with my mom, but

she's just been really busy, you know,

taking Nana to her chemo treatments and all.

It's okay, Nana's gonna be fine.

She's beat it once, and she's gonna kick its ass again.

Yeah.

Nana is the strongest woman I've ever met, even at 81.

And yeah, yeah, she will kick cancer's ass.

- Mm-hmm. - Because Nana don't play.

Yeah, I love that.

Oh my gosh.

Dylan, what are you doing filming us like a creep?

I am adding you both to the Glory Days

of Summer of Dylan T.

You're such a perv with that camera.

Aren't you supposed to be working with your uncle?

I am.

He sent me down to the stables to wake up Jaeckel.

His wife probably called.

Yes, you need to go to the stables,

they're down the hill that way.

Or, should I call your uncle now, mm-hmm.

Oh ho ho.

Should I call your uncle now?

That was good, that was good.

You know what I really wanted to say?

Listen, you little perv, I'm gonna kick your freaking ass.

Oh, you guys are gonna call me a pervert?

Ah, I'm gonna talk to your uncle.

Ah, I'm just getting footage for the show.

I don't know why everyone gets mad at me for doing that.

It's just snippets here, snippets there.

Camp Taghkanic Lake State Park and Campground,

how can I help you?

Oh, Janice, it's good to hear from you again.

Oh, yeah, no problem, it gets really confusing.

Okay, so if you keep going down, you'll see

a small gas station on your right,

I think it's Old Mill and Canyon Road.

Are you ever gonna marry my uncle?

He really loves you, that's all.

I can't even, you're like, you know what,

you are so digging right now I'm gonna call you Shovels.

Shovels, good.

Well, honestly,

I really love your uncle.

He is an amazing man.

And you know, we have been together long enough

where I know he's the right one.

Dylan, seriously, cut it out.

You are such a perv.

Naomi, run!

Naomi, run!

Run, Naomi, run!

Naomi, run!

Run!

Naomi, go on, run, baby, run!

Run, baby, run!

Naomi, Naomi!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

You okay?

Oh shit.

Go, go!

Come on, I got it!

What is that thing?

Hey, hey, hey, this isn't a pant-pissing contest, run!

Run, run!

Right behind you.

Did she make it?

I think so.

I think I know where she's at.

We just have to make it to it.

It's gone, we gotta get inside and call for help.

Ready, go.

Go, go!

So I was a staring it right in the face, mano y ratto.

Me and him, it was gonna be.

Hey, hey.

I need you to be strong right now, all right?

It's gonna be all right.

What's your name?

Hey, look at me.

Listen to my voice.

I'm Lenny Cusumano, how you doing?

What's your name?

What's your name?

Naomi, Naomi, Naomi.

There you go, Naomi, that's a beautiful name, right.

Sounds like pudding, I like pudding.

Now, stick with Lenny, everything's gonna be all right.

All right.

These tunnels down here, they run all around

this park underneath.

One ran from my cabin and brought me here.

Somewhere, that's the good news.

What's the bad news, Lenny?

The bad news?

That big freaking rat, he likes it down here too.

Yeah, you can smell him.

I think that, I think that way leads to the lodge.

All right.

Let's go, come on!

Please, we're at Camp Taghkanic Lake

State Park and Campground, we're gonna have...

Are you crazy?

Now, they will come.

You start telling them about some giant rat,

they're just gonna hang up on you.

What do we do, what do we do, what do we do?

I got it, I got it, I got it.

I got it.

I shut the door, yes, I know I shut the door.

Maybe it came in through the basement.

I can't believe that thing killed my...

Hey hey hey, listen to me, we have to get out of here.

We gotta get to my car, and head straight down the mountain

to the sheriff's office, I have another radio in the car.

But I need you to be strong right now.

I am not gonna let that thing get us, but I need you strong!

Because I can only get us out of here as a team,

and a strong team at that, okay?

Okay.

Come on, I'm gonna look.

Is it safe?

Shh, shh.

Okay, all right, it's clear, we're gonna go.

Okay, ready, on three.

One, two, three, go.

Wait, wait, I can hear my cousin.

Yes, those are my friends!

Help, help us!

Help, help!

Help, help!

Who the hell's that?

Those are my friends, those are my friends,

let my friends in.

Get in here!

Hey, listen, this door ain't gonna hold very long.

We gotta keep moving.

That tunnel, that gives us better odds than this room.

You want us to go down in the mineshaft?

Yeah.

That's where it came from.

I'm not going down there.

All I got is this bat, man.

Shut up!

Listen, I just saved all your asses, all right,

and I don't even get a thank you, Lenny?

Where did you come from?

The tunnel.

The tunnel goes all the way from the cabin

over to the lodge.

What happened to you?

I was, we were attacked.

I was pulled in by the tunnel.

He pulled me into the tunnel, the rat

and he looked right at me like he was

gonna kill me, right, and then all of a sudden,

he just took off and ran.

What is that, is that a big rat?

Yeah, it's a big rat, what do you think, it's your mom?

What kind of rat even gets that big?

I ain't got no idea what's this big, lady.

The biggest rat on history, recorded,

is from China in '09,

and only that was like the size of a dog, you know.

I mean, the bamboo Sumatra rat, that can get up

to 19 inches, but this freaking rat,

this freaking rat's a freak of freaking nature.

Yeah, we're talking like prehistoric

megaloratumus megasus or something like that.

This thing ate my family.

Oh, it killed more than just your family, girl.

I'm sorry, I got sensitivity issues.

Hey, hey hey hey, don't think about it right now

Don't think about it.

How are we gonna kill it?

I don't know, but you can toss out traditional methods.

I threw a whole gallon of my proprietary rat drink

down that throat, and nothing, nada.

Yeah, we gotta think outside the box, because if this

thing gets off the mountain, ahhh.

Damn! I think he got me.

I saw my uncle toss a thing of gasoline into its mouth.

Maybe we can use that.

Are you sure it's gasoline?

Yes, I'm sure it's gasoline!

- You're positive? - Yes, I'm positive!

Hey, what are you doing?

Just checking.

What, do you think I would be carrying that empty?

I don't know you.

Chick.

Down in the tunnel, now, now!

Go, go!

Hey, hey, hey, if you see a gold chain down there,

that's mine, keep it.

I want it.

All right, I hear you knocking but you can't come in.

You want me, huh?

You wanna piece of Lenny?

Get what you want, you dirty rat.

Come on, you dirty rat.

Oh ho, you are one mean mother.

Okay.

Come on and get me.

I see a light!

Let's keep going.

Where's Lenny, where's Lenny?

You wanna piece of Lenny?

Well guess what.

You've been exterminated.

Really, that's your catchphrase?

Did you find my gold chain or not?

No, but I woulda came up with something

better than you've been exterminated.

Yeah, well it's too late,

because I already exterminated him,

and I'm a professional, see the rat on the back?

Thank you.

It's okay, it's okay, girls.

Lame.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull