Original subtitles

- Ukraine pleaded for more military aid and vehicles,

saying, "We are desperate,"

but when Katherine Hastings offered

to ship them a thousand Payne Hydras,

Zelenskyy replied, "Not that desperate."

- [laughs]

I'm not laughing at the joke.

It's just Zelenskyy's a funny-sounding name.

- I didn't even do that. - Yeah, it's like

they just say stuff to be funny.

- Can you guys set this straight?

- You want me to release a statement saying

we aren't trying to aid Ukraine?

- The fire is out, no one got hurt by the pawls,

but Preppy McChipmunk won't get his hand out of my skirt.

- It's not just Seth.

It's Fallon, it's Kimmel, "The View," "The Talk."

- John Oliver did a full

20-minute segment on you on Sunday.

- Let me guess, it was smug and reductive.

- It was, actually.

- You know what, I should have just taken the payout.

I could be on a beach right now

with my husband, but no.

Instead, we're fighting all the time,

and everyone hates me, and all because

I had to risk everything just

to save your jobs. - "Save your jobs"

- We remember. - So selfless.

- Katherine, this just came for you.

- For me? - Mm-hmm.

- It looks like someone doesn't hate you.

- Uh, we--we scan for mail bombs, right?

- Mm-hmm. They got two dogs now.

- You want Sadie and me to work on some image rehab ideas or...

- Uh, yeah, I guess so.

I mean, look, I'm not some, like, insecure little girl

who needs everybody to like me.

It's just, I can't be an effective leader

if I'm a national joke.

Ew, what is this packing material?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

That's a pube! That's a pube!

[all yelling] That's a box of pubes!

That's a box of pubes!

- The AC's sucking 'em up. They're airborne.

[overlapping yelling]

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[chorus vocalizing]

- Whatever happened to just sending anthrax

when you hated someone?

When did that go out of style?

- Isn't a box full of pubes better

than a box full of anthrax?

- I honestly don't know.

- They're sweeping up all the evidence.

We should be sending these pubes

to the lab and catching this guy.

- Or girl.

- Jack, come on.

Girls don't even have pubes anymore,

and if they did, not these kind of pubes.

- Just from looking at it,

seemed like it came from multiple people.

- They say those little hairs really got

hooked into your carpet fiber,

so they gotta dig 'em out.

- Listen, Ian says that I have to use social media more

so people see my human side.

What--what do you think of this tweet?

- "Today's a great day to buy a car

from your local Payne Motor dealership."

both: "Hashtag car."

- You don't spell the hashtag.

- God, I hate this stuff.

I spent an hour trying to write a funny tweet

about why the Flintstones carried their cars

when they were just running.

But when you break down that show,

that's just one of the things that doesn't make sense.

- But you know, you don't have to be funny.

You just have to be real and authentic

and true to who you are.

- I love that. - Mm-hmm.

- Great. Um, great.

So why don't you be authentic and real and all that for me?

- You want me to pretend to be you?

- Yeah, well, I mean, just to tweet.

[laughing] You don't have to wear a skin suit

and [bleep] my husband.

All right, username is

"Katherine Hastings." - Mm-hmm.

- Okay, what if we make her the victim...

- Right. - Rough her up a little bit,

make it seem like an angry customer attacked her?

- So you want to Tonya Harding her?

- Yes. That's a good way of putting it, yes.

- What if we put out a video of her apologizing,

like, in her house with her family?

People see her as, like, a wife and a mother

who's truly sorry for what happened.

- Mm, so it would be like, um...

[fake crying] "I'm so sorry.

"Please love me

and stop sending me your pubic hairs."

- Yeah, s--so no video. Mm-kay.

- She has you tweeting for her?

- Yeah, she was having trouble coming up

with something personal and authentic.

- Yeah, robots do have a tough time simulating human emotion,

but the technology's improving every day, so--

- Okay, so which one should I post?

- Mm, God, I'd love to keep figuring this out,

but sadly we've arrived at my office,

and I'm sure you have work-- - It's okay, I got time.

Would you think she would post Taylor Swift,

or you think she'd wanna quote that "Lean In" lady?

Is that more her jam?

Taylor Swift.

- Ooh, another idea would be having you do

a tree-planting campaign.

- Mm. Nature stuff's so played out.

What else? - Okay. Uh, ooh.

We think we could get you on "Dancing with the Stars."

- Guys, I am not Jake from State Farm, okay?

I'm looking for ideas that are simple and timeless and real.

- What about an apology video?

- Apology video? - Yeah, hear me out.

You at home being sincere with your family

talking about how bad you feel,

leaning into the image of you as a mother.

- What do you think, Sadie?

- [clears throat]

What do I think of an apology video?

- Yeah. - That's a great question.

Um--maybe I said--

it doesn't matter who thought of that,

'cause we were brainstorming.

Yeah, maybe that's a good--maybe.

- Maybe we should just switch you to a simple

thumbs-up or thumbs-down system.

Nice work, Ian. - Thank you.

- Okay, well, what about this?

What about if I write,

"Why do we stop chewing grape gum when we get older?

Grape gum is fire."

And then I put the fire emoji.

- Not sure you want to reference fire

after the literal fire we caused.

- See, that's good. See?

See, that's why you here, 'cause you smart.

Okay, how about "@TacoBell, bring back those waffle tacos,

you cowards. livemás"?

- It all sounds good.

I appreciate-- I appreciate it.

All right, yeah. - Sorry, what are--

- Come on in. Come on in. No. Thank you.

I'm sorry. There's so much stuff going on,

and I don't have an office.

I hope this is okay.

- Uh--yeah, sure.

Mm-kay. Yeah.

I actually--I wanted to talk to you about something.

- Go for it. - It's not a big deal,

but, um, when I suggested that we do that video,

you were--I thought that you were against it.

But then, like, you pitched it to Katherine

kind of like it was your idea, and I'm sure that was just,

like, a misunderstanding.

- No, it wasn't.

- What? - Taking your idea.

I'm trying to take your job.

Do you want an M&M?

- No, thank you. No, they're--they're my M&Ms.

What do you mean, you're trying to take my job?

- Okay, listen, don't judge,

but I realized for the price of my L.A. condo,

here I could be like a land baron.

So I figure, get you fired, take your job,

start looking at, uh, open houses.

- What the [bleep]?

- Hey, I said don't judge, and you're judging.

- Well, of course I'm, uh, judging you.

You're a psychopath.

- Technically diagnosed as a cluster B,

Axis II narcissist with psychopathic tendencies.

Usually I'm so good at mimicking human emotion,

no one has any idea.

- Wait, what?

- Wait, what?

Anyway, hey, I gotta return a call.

Could you close the door on your way out?

- On my w--

- Hey. - This is my o--

- Andrew. Ian Osofsky.

Buddy, making a video for a client.

I could use your help. What do you got?

.

- I mean, he just seems so normal.

- I read that, like, 10% of executives are psychopaths.

It's what makes them such effective leaders.

- Well, you can't just sit back like some simp

and let him take your job, okay?

To beat a psycho,

you need to think like a psycho.

[clears throat] Blood.

"Helter Skelter."

Uh, Jack the Ripper.

- How does this help me? - Shh.

Uh, Jeffrey Dahmer.

Mark Cuban.

Daymond John.

Lori Greiner.

- These are just people from "Shark Tank."

Right? - Yeah.

- The Payne fire is a tragedy

that never should have happened.

- Okay, can we do something about the girl?

She looks like someone disabled her Instagram account.

- Well, it's your video, bro.

- Why are you being weird?

- I'm being weird?

You're trying to get me fired.

- I told you that is not personal.

It's a medical condition.

Would you be mad at a blind man who can't see?

No, you would not.

I might be a psychopath,

but you're a not-nice person.

- Damn it!

- What are you doing? - [sighs]

We're trying to make Twitter accounts,

but I keep failing the CAPTCHA tests,

and I'm starting to question, like,

am I a robot?

- It doesn't matter what I tweet, Cyrus.

Katherine's got no followers.

And no one's gonna follow her

unless other people retweet her.

But there's no one to retweet her--why?

'Cause she ain't got no followers.

- Ah, so the fake accounts follow Katherine

so it looks like she has buzz.

- Aha. - Congrats.

You've launched a Russian troll farm.

- I found all the traffic lights.

There are no more traffic lights.

- Won't it look a little suspicious

that all of Katherine's followers signed up for Twitter

on the same day, followed no one but her,

and have no other interests?

- You think a detective's on this or something?

We're just trying to trick a few idiots.

- If you want this to look like they're real people,

you need to give them depth.

Okay? Slide over. Slide over.

Let a maestro do his maestro thing.

- Okay.

- Is a motorcycle a bike?

- [whispers] Do you see what I'm dealing with?

- There is nothing more important

than the safety of your family.

And I say that not just as a CEO,

but as a mother--

- Stepmother. - A stepmother--

- Maddie, honey. - [sighs]

Can we--can we take ten? - On a ten!

- Maddie-- - Thank God.

- I swear to God. - Richard, would you talk

to your daughter? - I can--I can talk to her.

- I'll talk to her.

- I'm closer to her age.

- Well, I'm better at this stuff.

- Dude, why are you trying to be alone

with a teenage girl?

It's creepy.

- I'll handle it.

Gosh, this is so basic. [laughs]

Like, I knew it was gonna be lit,

but it's almost, like...cheugy.

- Thank you for speaking to me in a lingo I can identify with.

I feel truly seen.

- Sarcasm, yep.

Can you just be cool for five minutes

so that we can get out of here?

Like, that's all we want.

We just want to get this done

and leave.

- Okay.

Let's just get this over with.

- Right?

Same page. Up high.

- Nope. I'm not gonna high-five you.

- Hey. [chuckles]

Listen, do not listen to her.

I do not agree.

I think she's the one acting

like a spoiled [bleep].

- She said that about me?

- Yeah, in a group chat just a second ago.

But look, I tried to defend you and said,

Sadie, it's not cool to call a young girl a spoiled [bleep].

It's not right.

- Hey, I worked it out with Maddie.

- Oh, Sadie, you're amazing. - Good, thank you.

- All right, everyone, let's roll.

- We're back, everyone. Back in five.

- Now. - Now! Ready now!

- [bleep] everyone. I'm leaving.

Who's the [bleep] now, [bleep]?

- Hey, Maddie.

Maddie, wait.

- What did you say to her?

- I present Matthew Rollins, Jr.

Matthew is a libertarian atheist

doing his engineering post-grad at San Diego State.

Go Aztecs.

And he's a volunteer mountain rescuer.

He's also the guy that just asked,

"If you were an animated car in that Pixar movie,

what car would you be?"

And got a reply from Payne Motors CEO,

Katherine Hastings.

[computer chimes] And thus,

a conversation has begun.

- Oh, and you know who loves to comment on all things Disney?

- Who? Give me a good name.

- Uh, Sasha. - Who is she?

- A single mother of two,

colorblindness survivor,

and Minnie Mouse fanatic. - I love it.

- And there could be a guy named, like, Boomer.

- [quietly] Yeah.

- What were you saying? Sasha...

- Sasha, yeah. - Okay.

- Single mother of two.

- Nope. She's not at her mom's either.

- She's 17, Richard.

She's probably at an arcade or something.

- You know, there's no arcades anymore.

- Yeah, it's all oxycodone-fueled

sex parties, like "Euphoria."

- Hey, look, I can have another girl here in 30 minutes.

- You wanna recast her daughter?

- We never say it's her daughter.

If people assume the girl sitting next to her

is her daughter, then isn't that on them?

- I mean, that's true. - Wait,

you're actually considering replacing Maddie?

- Well, as an option.

- How fake can you be?

- [stammers] - I mean, come on.

This is the most time

that you and I have spent together...

- Okay, we don't need to-- - In, like, maybe all year.

And it's in this house that isn't our house.

- Richard-- - And we're making some stupid

video about how real you are.

- I never said this would-- - You--you know what?

You like the fake house so much,

why don't you just live here,

'cause I'm done, and I'm going back to our house--

our actual house.

- Hey, look, I hope you don't blame Sadie for this.

She did the best she could.

[playful music]

.

- The safety of your family means everything to me.

- Does it? [audience laughter]

Does it really?

I can't help thinking something feels

a little inauthentic about that apology.

Why is that? Oh, right.

It's because that's not her house.

It's a set where they shot a T-Mobile commercial.

- T-Mobile, not gonna lie,

that one kind of stings.

- Okay, you know what, I wanted to shoot it

in a different location-- - Actually, I think that

you wanted to shoot there. - I don't think it's really

important who said what, Sadie. - I'm gonna go vape

until I'm numb, and when I get back,

I need a new list of ideas,

ideally ones that don't make me into a national embarrassment.

Okay?

- Gavin Marvin Pendergrass.

- Ooh. - He's erudite...

- Ah. - Sophisticated, super likable.

You know, he's an intellectual,

but he also owns a jet ski.

[whispers] I should buy a jet ski.

- Okay, I see your Gavin,

and I raise you Kiana George. - Who?

- You see, she's a fierce Black woman

who loves sushi and cozy mysteries.

And she got IBS, but she don't let that define her.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

- What are you guys doing? - Ooh,

working on your Twitter account.

- It's not just an account anymore.

It's a whole Katherine Hastings Cinematic Universe.

- You wanna read some of these?

- Uh, no. I get it.

Emojicons, eggplants. We're good.

- Okay. - Carry on.

- If I'm being honest, the Katherine character

is becoming my least favorite.

- Central characters are always boring.

She's just a giant piece of flavorless meat

with no seasoning.

- You're not pitching anything?

- Nope, 'cause I know Katherine.

She'll wanna take a beat and reassess.

She doesn't wanna jump into another bad decision.

- Hm. - So what have we come up with?

- You know what, I think it's important at a time like this

to take a beat, you know, reassess.

We don't want to rush into another bad decision

where it could blow up in our faces.

- No. I hate just waiting.

This isn't the time to sit around doing nothing,

like a condom in Nick Cannon's wallet.

- I totally agree, and I've been trying to tell him that.

We need to be proactive.

I thought maybe we could get you on "Seth Meyers"

and just, like, show that you're in on the joke.

- Sit down with my biggest critic?

That's, uh... - Stupid.

- Ballsy. If people see us joking around

like old pals, I mean, then it's okay to like me.

- You know, I'm just--I'm just worried about, you know,

not seeming like a serious person.

And plus, it'd take months to get booked on that show.

- Well, I actually, uh-- I got a slot on Thursday,

if you want.

- Really? Book it.

Nice work, Sadie.

Oh, and book me really good hair and makeup.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

[playful music]

- So I hear we're both from New Hampshire.

- Uh, well, we moved when I was six,

but I still got some Hampsha' in me.

- All right, pop quiz: the thing in the wall

you drink water from, what's that called?

- Oh, that's a-- that's a "bubblah," yeah.

[New Hampshire accent] That's a bubbler, yeah,

we got some wicked good water in those.

- We got wicked good watah.

- It's going really well, huh?

[chuckles] - It's fine.

- We gotta head up to the, uh--

to the White Mountains--

- The light's catching her great,

hitting all the curves. - Mm.

- So Benny and Natasha,

they're tweeting snarky comments at each other

about Trump, right, going back and forth.

But if you put the politics aside,

they're not so different.

- Ooh, what about if later on down the line

we have them realize that, and then they start a romance?

- We should do that. Let's workshop it,

'cause it's important. - Political, sexy--

- Y'all are wild.

- What? - As of this morning,

Katherine has over ten thousand followers.

- Right! Go us! - It's catching on.

All right. But who is your favorite character, Jack?

See, I bet it was TJ, right, 'cause TJ comes to play.

Right, TJ's an amalgam of characters

that I've experienced in my own life--

- TJ is cool, but I got to go with Anita, man.

- Ooh! She's one of mine.

I love Anita. That's me.

- Well, actually, we came up with her together

I said nurse-- - The stuff Anita says

is so specific. - Aww.

- Girl, you need to be a writer.

- [gasps] - Yeah, I honestly

couldn't even tell Anita was fake.

- You couldn't tell a motorcycle from a bike, Jack.

- [New Hampshire accent] Next time we're back,

we're gonna take the beater,

we're gonna go for a packie run,

you know, I'll-- I'll bang a U-ie,

and then, uh, we'll go fishing for some hornpout.

- All right, that sounds like a plan.

We'll be right back with more

from Katherine Hastings after this.

[audience applause]

- [chuckling]

[clears throat]

[indistinct chatter]

[normal voice] I'm such a big fan, by the way.

- Thank you.

- All the jokes you've been doing about me,

they're so funny.

You know, they sting,

but you know, it's in a good way.

It's in a good way. I appreciate it.

I just think it's nice that we can show people that we're--

- Um, look, uh, I don't like you.

I mean, you endangered people's lives.

And, uh, I didn't wanna have you on the show tonight.

It's just that the network thought

you would be good ratings.

But don't pretend this is some sort of showbiz rivalry,

because I hope you go to prison.

- Huh.

.

- So you've been having a tough month.

- "Fortune" magazine named you

the "Most Hated CEO in America."

I mean, that's gotta sting. - Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm just glad that they named me at all, you know?

"The Journal" just calls me "She Who Must Not Be Named."

[laughs]

You know, like, um, Voldemort.

- Yeah, yeah, "Harry Potter." Yeah, we get it.

- Yike-sters. Why is she being so thirsty?

- I don't know. Something's off.

- [English accent] Set fire to the Quidditch pitch.

- Cringe city. I am so glad

I'm not the one that suggested she do this.

- Dori, what is Eliza gonna do about that snake in her toilet?

- Only Eliza knows the answer to that.

I let my characters tell me what they wanna do.

I just write it down.

- So Eliza wanted you

to tweet about her favorite mixology bar,

even though she's a devout Mormon that doesn't drink?

Seems inconsistent.

- People are inconsistent, Cyrus.

Inconsistencies are what give my characters depth.

- Personally, I thought it added

a whole new dimension to her--

- I just think that you're so focused

on being funny and controversial

that you're sacrificing rich character development--

- Cyrus, I have taken up too much of your time.

Really, I have. And I know you've got work to do.

- Well, I'm taking my accounts with me.

- Oh, no, what'll I ever do without all the characters

you clearly stole from "Our Town"?

Yeah, you think I didn't notice?

- That got intense fast.

- Some people don't handle other people's success well.

- Well, Seth, um, you've been going after me

pretty hard, um, lately.

So in fact, I snuck into your writer's room,

um, and I, uh, grabbed some of the jokes

that you were going to be doing about me tomorrow on the show.

- Gosh, you know, I think it's going really, really badly.

- Hey, Hannibal Lector, no one asked for your opinion.

- Okay, you know, Hannibal's a problematic

character in our community.

They should have had one of us play the role, but--

[chuckles] Hollywood.

- "According to a poll,

92% of Americans dislike Katherine Hastings."

Oh. [laughs]

"While the other 8% were run over

by their Hydras and couldn't respond to the survey."

- [laughing] Oh.

That one was harsh. - Yeah.

- You're gonna find another job.

I--I can recommend you to an escort service,

and I think you'd do great while you're young and still,

you know, kind of pretty.

- Lay off her, man.

- Wesley, it's fine.

- No, I--I'm sick of him coming after you.

This woman, this beautiful, kind, classy woman,

she would crush as an escort.

- Okay, that's not-- - No, it's--it's true.

You would, I swear to God. - Wesley, don't help.

Don't help.

- You'd be very good.

- Thanks.

- [laughing]

I'm cracking myself up.

[computer chimes]

[exhales]

Y'all, I made Katherine a conspiracy nut.

- What? - I have this character, Kyle,

who's a crazy QAnon guy, and I was doing this whole run

about UFOs and, like, Tom Hank's butthole and stuff.

And I realized I was on Katherine's account.

- No. - Wait, can't you just

delete the tweets? - Yeah, 'cause that's

how the Internet works. You just delete stuff,

and no one ever digs it up again.

- Well, what if we say she was hacked?

Right, that happens all the time.

Like, we could start posting a bunch

of racist, homophobic stuff.

Quick, Jack, get me some [bleep] pics.

- You talking about from the Internet,

or you--you talking about from me?

- It's your call, baby.

- There's some crazy stuff on here though, yo, really.

[audience laughter]

- "Payne reportedly considered firing Hastings,

"but Ford offered her a job as a crash test dummy.

[audience laughter]

"I'm not saying she's dumb, just that she's fake

and a lot of people want to see her drive into a wall."

[audience laughter]

A lot here about how much everyone hates me.

Don't feel like there's a lot of variety.

- [laughing] Hey, I don't come to your workplace

and tell you how to cover up defective cars.

[audience laughter] - Well, yeah,

a lot of, um-- a lot of these are--

are pretty real actually, yeah.

I mean, people hate me.

Try to pretend it doesn't bother me,

but it does.

- Well, look, you know, thanks for being a good sport.

Thank you for being here. Kath--

- Do you know that someone literally

sent me a box of pubes?

It was-- it was a big box,

like what a toaster would come in.

I mean, more-- more pubes than really one--

one person could make, unless they were storing them up.

But you know what, I don't blame 'em.

I'd probably send me a box of pubes, too.

I messed up, you know?

No apology video or--or talk show appearance can make up

for what I did, and you know, I can't fix it.

But what I can do is promise

that it will never happen again.

[audience applause]

- Amen to that. Katherine Hastings, everybody.

We'll be right back.

[band playing]

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but that was actually pretty great.

- You know what, go [bleep] yourself, Seth.

Next time, I'm going on "Kimmel."

- Can't blame you.

[all cheering]

- Did you see Seth's face?

I mean, I think he actually felt bad.

- Mm-hmm. - And maybe

a little in love with me. - Mm.

I think anyone who sees that is gonna love you.

- And red America loves the QAnon tweets,

so you're hitting all the demos.

- Wait, what QAnon tweets?

- It's a long story.

- You know, I knew you'd pull it off.

I kept saying, believe in Katherine--

- He's a liar.

- I don't lie. - Yes, you do.

Yes, you do. You lie all the time.

He lies all the time. And he's trying

to steal Sadie's job and take credit for her ideas.

And he's a psychopath. And he's a bully.

And he's mean. And I hate him.

- Hey.

- Okay. Well, I'm, um--

I'm sorry that he was mean to you.

But, um, his job here is done,

so you really won't have to see him anymore.

- Oh.

Okay, oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

You know, now that I've resolved this issue,

I guess Mary Poppins just moves on

to some more children that need me to help them.

- Okay? You feel better now?

- Uh-huh. - Bye, Mary.

It's been a pleasure.

- [sucks teeth]

- How gross was that? - Yeah.

- "Katherine, Ian's being mean to Sadie."

- I can handle my own problems, Wesley.

- I hate a tattletale.

It's, like, just so hard to respect a person

when they're being a whiny little bitch, you know?

- Totally. It's not a good look.

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