All language subtitles for 02 - Be It Ever So Mortgaged

Here you see the average,
normal suburban housewife...

in one of her daily routine tasks;
preparing breakfast for her husband.

With a modern kitchen and all
conveniences at her disposal...

the capable housewife moves
efficiently through her tasks.

Of course, sometimes
there are problems...

especially if your husband expects
breakfast ready before he goes to work.

But that's no problem for the average,
normal suburban housewife...

if she happens to be...

a witch.

Hi, honey.

Doesn't that look good!

What a ridiculous waste
of time and energy.

I prefer to think of it as doing
something that will please my husband.

Well, you needn't
develop biceps doing it.

If you want to decorate a cake...

you merely put a small ring
of rosebuds there...

with vines and leaves.

A gazebo in the centre...

surrounded by Grecian columns...

there, there, there.

So there.

Oh, that's lovely.

Just because you married
a human, Samantha...

that's no reason to overdo
this grubby little housewife role.

Well, you call it whatever you like.

I promised Darrin no witchcraft, and
no witchcraft is what he's gonna get.

Very well.

- Thank you.
- Don't thank me.

As a mother I've apparently
failed you completely.

You've done a wonderful job.
I got myself a great husband, didn't I?

When I think what you
could have had, I get positively ill.

Darrin is a marvellous human being.

That's a terrible thing
to say about anyone.

How can you be so prejudiced?
You haven't even met him.

- You hardly know what he looks like.
- Oh, they all look alike to me.

Noses to the grindstone,
shoulders to the wheel...

feet planted firmly on the ground.

No wonder they can't fly.

Darrin's not like that.

Don't contradict your mother,
Samantha, of course he is.

Look what he's done to you already.

You've changed, Samantha,
you really have.

And soon I won't be able
to pick you out in a crowd.

Oh, sure you will.

I'll be the one with
strawberry frosting in my hair.

- How's that?
- Oh, it's revolting.

But I'm sure what's-his-name
will make a pig of himself over it.

His name is Darrin, Mother.

You don't fool me one bit.

You're dying to meet him,
and he wants to meet you.

Samantha! Honey, I'm home.

- Oh, there he is.
- You better go.

Why? I want to study him up close.

- Not now.
- Don't worry, he won't see me.

Witch's honour.

And you know me
to be a witch of my word.

Good.

- Samantha.
- I'll be right there, darling.

- Hi, darling.
- Hello, honey.

- What's the matter?
- Matter?

- No kiss?
- Oh, sorry, darling.

Is that him?

- Sam, are you all right?
- Me? Of course, why?

I've had more passionate kisses from
my father. What are you looking...?

How's that?

It's an improvement.

- How about a drink?
- Great idea.

There's something I want
to talk to you about, Sam.

What is it?

I drove out of the city today...
Cheers.

I drove out of the city...
What are you looking at?

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

What's the matter with you?

- Is something wrong?
- There's absolutely nothing wrong.

- You're sure?
- I love you the way you are.

I love everything about you.

That's the way I like to hear you talk.

Why don't you come on over here.

That's a wonderful perfume
you're wearing.

Oh, that. I've had it on all day.
I think I'll go put on some fresh.

- What is the matter with you?
- What do you mean, dear?

You were friendlier on our first date.

Samantha!

I was not.

Sam, are you angry about something?

Why, no, of course not.

It's just that I think some things
should be kept to ourselves.

You were talking about
driving out of the city.

Yes, well, I drove out
to a new development...

Some things should be kept
to ourselves? Who's here?

What do you mean?

Just what I said.
Who's here in this room with us?

Is somebody watching us?

Darling, isn't that silly?
You don't see anyone, do you?

- What has that got to do with it?
- I mean, who could be here?

Nobody that I know, but I don't know
about the people you know.

People I know, you can see, but
I'm not sure about people you know.

I promise, darling, there's no one
here but just the two of us.

Yeah?

Prove it.

That better?

If you're lying, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.

I love your hair.

It always feels so soft,
smells so good.

Tastes good too. What is that?

Strawberry frosting.
It was gonna be a surprise.

It is a surprise. I always thought
you had plain, ordinary hair.

- Do you like it?
- I love your hair.

I mean the frosting.
I baked you a cake.

- Really?
- That's the surprise.

Well, one surprise deserves another.

- I drove out of the city today...
- You said that.

To see a house.

Not a rented house, with someone
else's furniture, carpets and drapes...

but our own house.

Something we can own from top
to bottom, from one end to the other.

Our house! Now what
do you think of that?

- Well, I think...
- Before you say anything...

just take a look at this.

It's laid out beautifully.
Big rooms, full of sunshine.

It looks very nice.

It's the kind of house we wouldn't have
been able to afford for a long time.

Even with the buy we're getting,
we're gonna have to tighten our belts.

I think so.

Shoulder to the wheel,
in a manner of speaking.

"Nose to the grindstone."

- Nose to the grindstone?
- Right.

It's really just a matter of keeping
our feet planted firmly on the ground.

Well, how does it sound to you?

Don't you like the idea, honey?

Of course I like the idea,
it sounds wonderful.

Well, for a minute there...

Anything that makes you happy
makes me happy.

Okay. I'm about to make you
the happiest woman in the world.

Get my dinner.

- Was that you laughing?
- Oh, yes.

That was a very cute joke
you made about getting your dinner.

- I'll meet you at the house at 3:00.
- Okay.

Remember what I told you,
it's up to you.

- If you don't like it, we'll forget it.
- I know I'll love it.

- Sure you had enough breakfast?
- Plenty.

You wouldn't prefer eggs
or something like that?

No, sweetheart,
the cake was just fine.

I'll see you at 3.

- Bye-bye, baby.
- Bye.

Well, I think we're very lucky.

All young married people dream
of owning their own home.

Well, it's fine for them, Samantha,
but not for us.

We're quicksilver, a fleeting
shadow, a distant sound.

Our home has no boundaries
beyond which we cannot pass.

We live in music, in a flash of colour.
We live on the wind...

in the sparkle of a star.

And you want to trade it all for
a quarter of an acre of crabgrass.

Well, now, Mother, if Darrin's this
excited, there must be something to it.

Now, I'm going to take
a look at that house.

At least you can keep an open mind
and go with me.

You mean you're interested
in my opinion?

You said you wanted me to be happy.

Well, all right, I'll look at it with you.

But I won't like it.

It'll only take me a second
to change, then we can go.

I'm ready whenever you are.

Mother! You are kidding.

What's-his-name got cake crumbs
all over the floor.

Is this it?

1164 Morning Glory Circle,
isn't it nice?

It's filthy.

Well, all it needs
is a little landscaping.

Sows' ears are not
made into silk purses...

by the mere addition
of a few dandelions.

Don't waste your time,
it's not for you.

Mother, just use your imagination.
I could do wonderful things...

- with a place like this.
- It's impossible.

You're a witch, Samantha,
not a magician.

There are two of them, Abner,
both women.

One older. Maybe a sister, maybe
a mother. Come take a look, Abner.

Leave me alone. I'm retired.

You're just being stubborn.

Picture it with a lovely lawn around it,
and some flowers, trees and a hedge.

A lawn, you said?

Look lovely and green?

A hedge.

That's an English box hedge,
isn't it sweet?

Yes, and flowers?

There, aren't they colourful?
And the little window boxes.

Yes. What else did you say? Trees?

There.

Voil? what do you have?

Lawn, hedge, flowers, trees,
all surrounding a sow's ear.

No wonder, the way you have
things thrown around.

What do you mean by that?

For instance, I don't think
we need the hedge.

Two trees is one too many.
Keep the big one, but over there.

Oh, my! Isn't that lovely?

There's something missing.

I know.

Awnings.

It's marvellous, Samantha, marvellous.
I couldn't have done better myself.

- Abner.
- I've got three more words.

Will you wait?

I'm trying to get you interested
in civic affairs and you need words.

What do I care about words?

- Abner!
- What?

Abner, come here.

Gladys, I worked
like a dog for 32 years.

The house across the street has got
a lawn and there are trees and flowers.

Well, what do you want from me?

Well, that's the way
it'll look someday.

What's the matter
with you, Samantha?

At least the place looked
somewhat liveable.

Oh, no. We're going to do it
the right way, from seeds.

Seed!

That lot was plain, ordinary dirt. Now
it's a jungle with plants and flowers.

- Come take a look, Abner.
- Gladys, don't pull.

- Take a spoonful of your medicine.
- I don't need my medicine.

I say you do
and I never lied to you, Gladys.

Come look, Abner.

If there's no trees,
you'll take a spoonful?

- I promise.
- Go get it.

Well, the living room's beautiful.
Darrin was right.

Oh, it's a little cramped,
but passable.

- I'm going to go look at the kitchen.
- Well, if you must.

Abner!

Well?

It's a wonderful kitchen,
full of dozens of gadgets.

It's gonna be fun cooking in there.

- Say, I like that chair.
- Thank you, have one.

Wonderfully comfortable.
Splendid job, Mother.

I've taken a fling
at decorating in my time.

I thought you didn't
go in for earthy things.

Nothing more than
a creative challenge, really.

What table would go well
with these chairs?

Something low and heavy,
do you think?

I don't know.

Something along those lines,
I would imagine.

Oh, that's beautiful!
And how about a sofa over there?

Something comfortable
and overstuffed, like that.

Yes, it's very nice.

And of course, a coffee table.

Goes quite well.

And over the fireplace, a painting.

Something colourful and full of life.

That's very pretty.

And in the dining room...

A little bit too severe.

You really think so?

Well, maybe you're right.

How about that?

That's much better.
That's much better.

And...

draperies!

- Very nice.
- And a buffet.

Oh, Mother, isn't it lovely?

You have something there,
I must say.

Let's go up
and look at the bedrooms.

Why go up there?
Why don't we just send for them?

Oh, my poor feet.

That's better.

Don't try and stop me, Abner,
I'm going over there.

There's something going on,
and I'm going to find out what it is.

What's a five-letter word
for the ultimate happiness...

peace and tranquillity?

"Death."

Well, Mother, what do you
think of it now?

Well, it's attractive. For what it is.

- And if Dennis is adamant about...
- Darrin, Mother.

Whatever his name is.

If he must buy a house, at least
this is distinctively furnished.

- You won't have to change a thing.
- Oh, all of this goes.

You're not serious?

Well, of course I'm serious.

Now that I know what I want...

we'll furnish the house
like ordinary people do: On time.

Well, come on, Mother,
let's go look at the patio.

Well, I've seen about all I care to.
How about you?

Not me. I'm gonna stay here and
wait for Darrin and do it all over again.

Well, you don't mind if I fly along?

I'm glad you came with me.
I would've been unhappy if you hadn't.

I wouldn't be much of a mother
if I deserted my daughter...

in her hour of need.

I wish you'd try to believe...

that I've never been happier
than I am right now.

The honeymoon isn't
quite over, Samantha.

It'll be a while before you can be held
responsible for the things you say.

Well, I'll always feel the same,
if I live a thousand years.

You could change your mind
many times in a thousand years.

- I did.
- Well, I won't. You'll see.

Now, that must be Darrin. Don't go
if you absolutely don't have to.

Maybe the two of you
should meet right here and now.

Here? Now? In me carpet slippers?

You must be kidding.

Hi, honey.

- What do you think?
- I love it.

You mean it? You're not
saying that just to please me.

No, no, I love it. It's a marvellous
house and Mother loves it too.

- Mother?
- She's here.

- In there?
- You wanna meet her?

Yes, of course, of course,
I wanna meet her.

Abner, I love you.
Why would I lie to you?

Take another spoonful, Gladys,
you'll feel better. Now open.

I won't open. Listen to me.

We've watched that house
ever since the day it was built.

You've watched that house since
it was built. I got better things to do.

Abner, that house has always
been empty, been bango.

Okay, bango, take the medicine.

- It's full of furniture, just like that, full.
- Open.

- No more. It's making me nauseous.
- Better nauseous than crazy, open.

I'm not crazy, Abner. It was full of
furniture, beautiful stuff, then bango!

- Bango, open.
- It was gone.

- Maybe it was repossessed, open.
- I'm going back there.

I'm scared, but I'm going back there.

I'm marching up and I'm gonna knock
and find out what's going on in there.

Oh, she must have gone.

We didn't see her leave.

No, that's true.

We talked about furniture.

Something wonderful and comfortable,
but nothing too cold or modern.

You're right. I don't see her anywhere.

- Who?
- Your mother.

She can be seen, can't she?

Of course. And she had some
wonderful ideas about the dining room.

High cane-back chairs
with velvet seats.

Well, if you don't like velvet seats...

I'm crazy about velvet seats.

As a matter of fact, I'm crazy
about everything you like.

- You really mean that?
- Every word of it.

If you see a piece of furniture you like,
you buy it and put it in. I'll love it.

I don't want anything we
haven't picked out together.

After all, we both are gonna live here,
you know.

Well, that's the sort
of arrangement I had in mind.

- There she is.
- Who?

Your mother. You must
have locked her outside.

- Oh, well, I'll let her in.
- No.

- I'll answer the door.
- Now, Darrin...

Mother may seem
a bit different at first.

That's all right. I'm perfectly at ease.

I want her to know
I'd like to be friends...

and she'll always be welcome
in our home.

Hello.

Welcome, Mother.

Mother?

That's that.

Incidentally, that woman you kissed
and scared was Gladys Kravitz.

She and her husband, Abner,
live across the street.

Well, as soon as we get settled,
I'll go over and apologise.

I suppose it's better than getting
the reputation of being standoffish.

Really.

There he is, Abner,
that's the one who kissed me.

It don't make any sense. He's got her.
Why would he wanna kiss you?

I love you, Mrs. Stephens.

And I love you, please believe that.

Believe me, it'll never work.