Original subtitles

Where are the Sports, squirt?

You wanna let me get the Business page? Okay.

I know you want the Society section.

You betcha. Can I have the funnies?

Anybody want the news?

I'll take it.

Since when do you read the news?

It's not for me. It's for Buddy Block.

I'm helping him housebreak his puppy.

Puppy can have yesterday's news. It's all the same to him.

I don't believe it. Guess who's in San Pueblo?

Who?

"The San Pueblo chamber of commerce is proud to announce

"the arrival of Ambassador at Large Howard Lipton."

What's he doing in San Pueblo?

Listen to this.

"If Ambassador Lipton was less interested in women

"and more interested in diplomacy,

"he could probably save the world in one week."

Is he a playboy, Mom?

Well I wouldn't exactly call him a playboy.

That's exactly what I'd call him.

Now, wait a minute. The man is a very busy ambassador.

Women are his relaxation. I mean, everybody has to have a hobby.

Do you know, it takes a warped mind to think of women as a hobby.

I'd rather collect stamps.

Just because the man is handsome, intelligent and he's able

to sweep women off their feet, there's no reason to put him down.

He should be admired.

Yeah, and if men like you had their own country, Hugh Hefner would be king.

Mrs. Shirley Partridge?

Yes?

My name is Roger Harper. I'm Chief Attache to Ambassador Howard Lipton.

I'm here at the request of the Ambassador.

He'd be honored if you would join him this evening for dinner.

Me?

He would have come himself but his schedule is very tight.

I see.

May I tell the Ambassador that your answer is "Yes"?

Well...

I suppose I could.

Fine. He'll pick you up at 8:00 sharp. Good day.

Mom, you can't.

Why can't I?

Well, it's... It's like selling out.

What do you mean? She knows what she's doing.

It's a chance of a lifetime.

No offense, Mom, but why would he ask you out?

I don't know. I only met him only once.

Aha! You know each other.

We shook hands in a receiving line at a political rally.

Mom, a guy doesn't ask you out just because you have a good grip.

I think the reason is obvious. When you're in Rome, you go out with Sophia Loren.

When you're in San Pueblo, you either go out with Mom or Mildred Spindle.

Who's Mildred Spindle?

The meter maid.

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Well, should we all stop pretending that we're reading?

What time is it?

It's 10 minutes till 10.

I can't remember the last time I was stood up.

Mom, maybe he's talking to the President.

You can't put the President on hold, you know.

Well, the President won't mind if I change into something more comfortable.

It's so silly.

You're all acting as if he were some kind of a god or something.

I mean, what's the big deal about Ambassador Lipton? He's just a man.

Good evening. I am Howard Lipton. Is your mother at home?

Is there something wrong?

No, no, no. I'm just, uh...

No.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry I'm late.

Well... It's... I mean, Mom is... Well, she really isn't, though.

Good evening, Mr. Lipton. Won't you come in?

Thank you.

I'm Keith. This is my brother Danny.

How do you do? Hi.

Chris. My sister... Hi.

Tracy. Hello.

And I see you've already met my silver-tongued sister Laurie.

Mom! Your ambassador's here!

I brought a little gift for your mother.

Yellow roses. They're her favorite.

Yes, yes, I know.

Well, I had some of my people investigate her likes and dislikes.

Oh.

I didn't know the State Department had a computer dating service.

That's very clever.

There you are.

Mrs. Partridge, I'm terribly sorry I'm so late, but I was on the phone

with the President, and you just can't put the President on hold.

I understand.

I brought you a little gift.

And again, I'm really, really very sorry.

Yellow roses. They're my favorite.

He knows. You've been investigated.

Well, actually, they just read all of the fan magazines.

They are much, much more thorough than the FBI.

Shall we go?

Have a good time.

Good night. Good night.

Nice meeting you.

Goodbye. Nice meeting you.

See you. It was nice meeting you.

Well, how are you ever gonna live it down?

Live what down?

Swept off your feet by a male chauvinist.

Howard, do you mind if I ask you a question?

Why did you ask me out?

Oh, I've wanted to ever since the reception

at that political rally three years ago.

You remembered me from a handshake?

Oh, yes.

Shirley, you've got a terrific grip.

Mr. Ambassador? Mr. Ambassador?

Yes, Roger? Oh.

Shirley, excuse me, just for a moment, please.

Of course.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Mr. President. It's the President.

Of the United States?

No, Mexico.

Si.

Si. Si.

Thank you.

Please go ahead with dinner. I'll just be a minute or two more.

Yes, I'll see to it at once.

Fine. Fine.

Very... Fine. Goodbye. Goodbye.

There, you see, that didn't take long.

Just a glass of wine and salad.

Usually the President talks all the way to dessert.

I understand.

Roger.

Yes, sir? No more calls.

Not even the red phone?

Shirley, please excuse me. I have to take it. It's the red phone.

I see.

Yes, Mr. President?

Mexico again?

No, it's the President.

Yes, sir.

Uh... Why...

Yes, sir. I have got the time to chat.

When the President wants to chat,

you chat.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

It was a very nice dinner.

The Ambassador told me to be sure and tell you that he had a wonderful time.

Thank the Ambassador and tell him goodnight.

I will.

And goodnight, from me, too.

Well?

Well, what?

Well, what's he like?

Well, it's hard to say exactly.

Goodnight. KEITH: "Goodnight"? Wait a minute.

Aren't you at least gonna tell us why you came home with the other guy?

Howard was on the phone.

I think it was the Shah of Iran.

That's all you're gonna tell us?

Did I say "Goodnight"?

Yeah.

Well, I guess that about covers it.

Come in.

Good day. Good day.

It was until now.

Danny.

There's a cute kid.

"Good day" to us, and "cute kid" to Danny. Do you feel all right?

I feel great.

Any special reason?

Several. The date you had last night with Mr. Big?

It's front page stuff.

Rueben.

I'd hardly call The San Pueblo Tattler the big time.

Yes, but now the wire services will get a hold of it.

This is gonna be great publicity.

I'm not sure I like being an item in The San Pueblo Tattler.

Oh, I'm telling you, Shirley, this could mean the Carson Show, Dick Cabot.

Who knows, maybe even a shot on The Dating Game.

Rueben, let's not get carried away.

Go out with him a few more times. We could even have our own TV special.

Rueben, this was a one-time thing. Now, let's forget it.

Good morning, Mrs. Partridge.

Mr. Harper. What brings you here?

Well, Ambassador Lipton wishes me to express

again he had a wonderful time last evening.

And since his stay has been extended one day,

he would like to take you to dinner again this evening.

I knew it.

Mr. Harper, tell Howard I sincerely appreciate his invitation,

but my answer is "No".

No? No?

No.

But I can't take a "No" back to Mr. Lipton.

Nobody ever says "No" to Mr. Lipton.

Even Ho Chi Minh said "Maybe".

That is exactly what she means.

She always says "No" when she means "Maybe"?

Mr. Harper, my "No's" are genuine.

Raquel, Gina, Bridget,

they all said "Yes".

I get a "No" from Shirley Partridge.

Shirley, can I ask you one simple question?

Why? Yeah, that's the question.

Was it because he's a male chauvinist?

No, he is not a male chauvinist.

He didn't try anything, did he?

He didn't try anything.

What, then?

Rueben, I don't want to go out with the man again

simply because I didn't have a good time.

That's it? That's it.

Well, there goes our invitation to the White House.

Rueben, the man invited me for dinner,

not us to the White House.

I know. I know. I mean, what the heck. It's just showbiz.

For every person who makes it to the White

House, there is a broken light on Broadway.

I don't know what that means, but I think Mom's right.

No pictures!

Five minutes with the girl who broke Lipton's heart.

No interviews.

This is news.

Go picture some natural disaster.

He's a new one.

Yeah. ABC News in Los Angeles.

Well, you wanted publicity.

I guess I just wasn't meant to be a happy man.

There's more here than yesterday.

All from Howard.

I'll bet it's that newsman again.

Oh.

Two minutes, okay, Kincaid?

No, not okay.

I can't believe it. I didn't think we were gonna get out of that store

without everyone voting on whether you're right or wrong.

I know. I think it was awful the way that Mrs. Schubach did it.

I mean it's ridiculous to think that refusing Mr. Lipton

has anything to do with the rise in food prices.

I'm beginning to think that I should reconsider.

Do you still think you're right? Yes.

Then don't reconsider.

Well. There you are, Mrs. Partridge.

Hello, Mrs. Hendleman.

You want my advice? No, Mrs. Hendleman.

Go out with him. It's best.

Why is it best, Mrs. Hendleman?

Because he's a great man and you are but a face in the crowd.

Mrs. Partridge, a face in the crowd should not jilt a man who may someday be

in our children's history books.

Well, that does it.

Does what?

If Mrs. Hendleman think I'm wrong, I must be right.

Guess what? It's like living in a gift shop.

I'm gonna plant some of them today. At least then, we'll be able to get around.

I don't understand what he's so crazy about Mom for.

Well, what I mean is even with all your good points,

isn't he going a little overboard?

No, it's simple psychology. Mom rejected him.

So now his ego's telling him that he's got to take her out

if it's the last thing he does.

Shirley?

Oh, hi, Rueben. Hello, Mr. Harper.

Morning. Morning.

Uh, could we talk to you a moment, please?

All right.

Laurie, the bacon's done.

Shirley, Roger called me. We really have to work something out.

Mrs. Partridge, the Ambassador doesn't know I'm here.

Oh?

This whole thing has gotten out of hand.

I agree.

Mr. Lipton hasn't been himself lately. Look at this.

What is it?

Well, that's a mutual trade pact with France. Look at the bottom.

He's doodled your name.

I suppose I'm flattered.

Well, you may be flattered, Mrs. Partridge, but we're in trouble.

We can't ask the President to sign with "Shirley" doodled at the bottom.

Shirley, couldn't you reconsider?

Mr. Harper, if it's that important to Mr. Lipton,

why doesn't he come and talk to me himself?

You mean in person? Yes.

Yeah, well... But he's got people who do that kind of thing for him.

Then maybe some of those people would like to go out with him.

What's next?

The gloxinia from Wales.

Oh, Mom, it looks like we have important company.

Oh, how romantic. Just you, Mr. Lipton,

and six bodyguards. See you later.

Shirley.

I see you got my gloxinia from Wales.

And the Tiki from Tahiti and the chocolate duck from Germany.

And everything else.

Is there no way to negotiate a settlement?

You want to negotiate for a date? I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm always negotiating with countries. When it comes to people,

it's hard to break the habit.

I'm sure it is.

Do you realize that you're the only woman

that turned me down since I became Ambassador?

Do you realize you're the only man that taken me to dinner

and totally ignored me since I was eight?

I don't suppose you'd give me a second chance?

I might.

Under the right conditions.

What do you say to a guy like Ambassador Lipton?

I thought you knew all about that.

Yeah, I know how to greet him, I mean,

but how do you ask a man of greatness to pass the potatoes?

Oh, how about, "Pass the potatoes"?

This is a great man.

How about, "Pass the potatoes, Your Highness"?

Cute.

Look, Howard is coming here to relax and be himself.

I expect all of you to do the same.

All right. Try and be normal.

Hello, Howard, come in. Good evening.

I think you remember the children.

Oh, yes, yes. Tracy, Chris...

Hi. Hi.

Laurie, Danny and Keith. How are you? Hi.

Your Highness.

Mr. Cool.

That's not what I meant to say. Just slipped out.

What I meant to say was, "How's it going, Howie?"

That's too casual.

No, no. That's why I'm here. To spend a nice, quiet evening with very nice people.

And Howard,

no phones.

Uh... Right. No phones.

Uh, shouldn't I check in with Harper first? There might be a small crisis somewhere.

We negotiated this dinner, remember?

Right. Okay.

Why don't you go into the living room and relax while I go and cook dinner?

Okay.

Well.

So, tell me. What's Tricia really like?

Oh, you know, I haven't heard from my ulcer once this evening?

Maybe it's going through proper channels.

Oh, Shirley, you know, you're right. This is the only way to enjoy yourself.

Relax and leave all the business at the office.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, Howard.

And from now on, I'm going to try to live by that rule.

What's that? Oh, I hope you don't mind.

I put the phone back on the hook. I'll get it.

Howard? Now, it might be important.

It's probably Argentina. Lipton here.

Uh... Well, yes.

Argentina?

No, Skizzy. It's for Tracy.

Up a little late, last night, Mom?

1:32 a.m.

I just happened to be up feeding my goldfish.

Looks like it could get serious.

We went for a drive after the concert.

Is that what you'd call serious?

Did you hold hands?

And make lovey-dovey eyes?

And stop at Muldoon's Point?

Okay, let's rehearse.

Do you want to start it off, Ricky?

Yep.

Okay, here you go.

Bravo! Bravo!

Howard. I thought you were on your way to Brazil.

I just couldn't leave without saying goodbye

and thanking you again for a very, very nice evening.

I hope you'll come back whenever you can.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Shirley, I've grown quite fond...

Of San Pueblo. Yes, your mother and I went sight-seeing last night.

So we've heard.

Saw all the sights. One I especially liked.

What was the name of that place?

Muldoon's Point? That's the place.

Did I say something I shouldn't have?

It's all right. It's all right.