Original subtitles

Any similarities between the events and characters in this film and real life

are merely coincidental. Actually, such coincidence would leave us perplexed,

as real life, unfortunately, is less maddening and stimulating.

Our authors simply wish to reflect, without pretension,

the world of erotic dreams,

of the horny imaginations of two couples

on a more or less pornographic shoot.

SEX IS CRAZY

Dick one.

Dick two.

Dick three.

Dick four.

Dick one.

Dick two.

Dick three.

Dick four.

Pussy one.

Pussy two.

Pussy three.

Pussy four.

Pussy one.

Pussy two.

Pussy... Attention!

Attention!

Attention!

The session is beginning.

Earthling female apprehended.

Earthling pussy apprehended.

Earthling pussy apprehended.

Earthling pussy apprehended.

Earthling pussy can be impregnated with children for the planet Argolios.

Argolios's pussy cannot be impregnated.

Argolios's pussies and dicks are highly evolved.

An accelerated impregnation system.

Dicks ready for the accelerated system.

From fuck to delivery in nine seconds.

From fuck to delivery in nine seconds.

Dicks ready in firing position.

Earthling pussy apprehended. Earthling pussy apprehended.

Earthling pussy can be impregnated with children for the planet Argolios.

Argolios's pussies cannot be impregnated.

Argolios's pussies and dicks are highly evolved.

An accelerated impregnation system.

Argolios's pussies and dicks are highly evolved.

An accelerated impregnation system.

From fuck to delivery in nine seconds.

Dicks ready in firing position.

From fuck to delivery in nine seconds.

Dicks ready in firing position.

-Ready to operate. -To operate.

Dick one ready to operate.

Ready to operate.

Let's get started.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Boy!

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine..

Boy!

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine..

Boy!

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine..

Boy!

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Boy!

Look! A “seven-seconder!”

Dick five.

Dick six.

Dick seven.

In firing position.

This one is going too far.

For foreigners, they don't do too badly.

It's a pity they look so odd.

We give you Ma no lit a Castafiuelas.

Damn, a folklorist!

Spencer, your hands are worth their weight in gold.

And what about other things?

You used to say I have a golden cock.

Don't say such things to me.

Do you think she'll fall for it?

Of course she will.

The way she looked at you when you were making love to Flanagan!

Come on!

Will you be long?

I have the right to look good too.

What do you mean by "too?" What do you mean?

You know very well what I mean.

Today you've been at it again with Dorothy.

Me? I'm a professional, my dear.

He must be very professional too because today he was king size.

That's why they pay us, right? A flaccid dick show isn't a show at all.

Yeah, yeah.

You're still jealous,

and it's ridiculous for you to be that way, love.

Do you think it's ridiculous?

Since we've been together,

I've only shagged other girls during the show.

I love you, I promise.

Cut! Again, Flanagan!

More cheerful. Be nicer, both of you.

Hello, will you be long?

I have the right to look good too.

What do you mean by "too?" What do you mean?

You know it very well, today you've been at it again with Dorothy.

Who, me? I'm a professional, my dear.

He must be very professional too.

That's why they pay us, right? A flaccid dick show, isn't a show at all.

You're still jealous,

and it's ridiculous for you to be that way, love.

Does this seem ridiculous to you?

Of course, since we've been together I've only shagged 15 or 20.

Meet Rosalinda.

She has nothing to do with this movie.

But as she is the producer's girlfriend, we gladly gave her a nice role.

I'm sick of that bitch.

But if they keep knocking me up,

one day I'll get my Colt .45

and I'll remember my Tucson City days.

I'll stick my gun up his trunk,

and then I'll pull the trigger.

You bastard!

You scare me, beautiful Dorothy.

You always were a pushover, Spencer.

But you always knew that.

I was just an employee in Minnesota

until you came along.

I warn you: if you ever want to get your autonomy back,

I don't care.

Don't say that,

I can't live without you. I'd have to return home defeated.

To Minnesota!

If your fans could see you...

They'd never imagine horny Marfia

in the privacy of her home.

You're a sweetheart.

Laundry is getting more and more expensive.

We might have to do it ourselves.

You're not going out, are you?

I wanted to buy a magazine.

Let's have some fun.

Okay, but first a glass of California wine.

My Aunt Felisa sent it from the farm.

It's slightly sparkling.

To us.

This will knock her out for a few hours.

My path is clear now.

Using sleeping pills on me, Flanagan? You're done for.

Introducing Rosalinda once again.

The producer's girlfriend is improving her performance from day to day.

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Follow that car.

Well? Shall we start or not? I haven't had dinner yet.

-All right, let's go. -Give me a light.

You speak, I bid first.

Ordago.

You sent me home because I'm drunk.

-Let's talk about the second round. -That's an easy win.

-I'll pass. -Pass.

-Garcilaso it's your turn. - I have a pair.

-And me. -Me too.

And I rabbit.

Hand on the bench.

Ordago.

Hey, you. Come on, let's go. Someone is coming.

Yes. Yes.

Pretty pussy.

Yes.

Stop!

Woman, I have two of a kind.

You've lost, Flanagan.

Weren't you getting a magazine?

See that?

That's a lie!

It was just an excuse to betray me.

What a drag, here we go again.

Just let him be.

When she gets these fits of jealousy, she becomes unbearable.

That's incredible!

I've given you the best years of my life, Flanagan.

Now it's over.

Won't you leave us alone?

Flanagan, if you don't come with me, I'll kill you.

-But, woman, I have two of a kind. -I'll kill myself.

Here we go again.

What a pain in the ass. Hey, come here.

Have the Argentinians arrived yet?

-Well... -Those Argentinians.

Oh!

Flanagan, love me.

There they are, look, there they are.

Let go of me, let go of me! What do you want from me?

-Listen, you little bitch. -Let go of me!

What were you doing at Buster's last night at midnight?

At Buster's?

-Who's Buster? -Yes, you did something for Buster.

We know exactly what he paid you.

Nobody has paid me anything.

Well, you'll get beaten if you don't sing about the stash.

-Will you sing? -Sing.

Son of my life...

-Stupid. -If you don't confess, you will be sorry.

Come on, Buster.

Come on, faster.

You can go change.

This is good.

-I'll carry on. -Carry on.

No.

No, please!

I'll get very dizzy.

No! No!

Where are the plans?

The plans? What plans? I don't know what you're talking about.

The air-ground submarine ones, stupid.

I don't know anything about politics.

You don't?

What were you doing then with that minister in the private room?

I'm not telling. I don't talk about intimate things.

Intimate things?

Why do you burden your husband with your jealousy

and then pick up other men?

-Some things shouldn't be said in public. -You're such a cynic.

-I'll come down at seven. -Fine, fine.

The Argentinians, quick.

Come on, let's go.

No! No! No!

If she doesn't speak, carve her up mercilessly.

-Down there, in all the huddle. - I don't know anything.

No! No!

No!

There! There!

No! No!

-No! -Yes!

No! No! No!

No!

No! No!

No!

Are you going to talk, bitch?

Where are the plans for the land-air submarine?

-Where are they? - I don't know anything.

-You know everything, where are they? -No!

- I don't know anything! -Yes.

No!

-Do you know if we'll be long? - I don't know.

-One hour? -Perhaps.

No, please!

-Nail her! -No!

Poke her more!

-Poke her! - I don't know anything.

-Come on! -No!

Speak!

Poke her there! All the way in!

Poke her more!

-No! I don't know anything! -Poke her!

I don't know anything!

I don't know anything, please!

Poke her!

Speak!

-Poke her! Speak! - I don't know anything!

That's enough!

That's enough!

I told you that you could trust her,

that she'd never betray us.

You heard him.

Dear Flanagan...

You must understand.

We had to be sure of her.

Marfia may know our secrets, you see.

You've made her suffer too much with your stupid suspicions.

May I take her with me?

Sure, let her go, guys.

You may leave.

There you have it.

Marfia, my wild lily.

Come on, Gina, out!

My love, it's all over now.

-Did those bastards hurt you? -Yes.

She hides the secret.

What do you mean, Flanagan?

You haven't given her the plans right?

She's hiding the plans.

They were here.

Here they are, Spencer.

This microfilm has the plans for the submarine.

My poor darling.

She's been hiding them there for two months.

Don't you see our sacrifice?

Forgive us, boy.

We've had such bad experiences with spies' wives.

I can't untie it. It's very difficult.

But then again, who tied this?

Listen, if we don't call the fire brigade...

-This time you've gone too far. -Somebody come and remove this.

"Wasn't it dear, what a night, what I know, what a dear and coo."

"Oh, thinking what harm are they."

"Oh, thinking what harm are they."

"One less day, what a day for the fucking war?”

"For a sniff for wedding.”

"Was it worth the pain? Was it?”

"Wedding?"

"Well, you stare one night. What you need for?"

"An effort we're doing ways today."”

"What's deviled eggs, till we die, darling."”

Oh, yes.

"Always take me to eel, right?”

"Oh, the dick is for the better. Yeah, yeah."

"It's stabbed me, clipping.”

Oh, we're ready.

Maybe...

"I'll stay little bird."

"Are we yet stall, darling?"

Oh, yes.

"Oh, we fuck with this thing."

"Well nice for..."

Oh, darling.

"What I know it pussy action.”

Oh, Flanagan.

Oh, man. Oh, my God.

"Watch your leg in."

Oh, Flanagan.

It's beautiful.

Flanagan.

With darling.

Yes, so much "Oh!"

"Oh, wellie, oh, this goes."

Oh, Flanagan.

It's all right, all right.

"Oh, yes, it's all key."

Oh, yes.

Look, look! A dick!

Hey, go touch yourself.

Come here, Martinez.

Look at this horny couple.

Juanito, did you see that?

-What's so special about it? -Juanito, don't you see?

-No. -They're fucking!

Here is Rosalinda, the producer's girlfriend,

in her first scene as an actress.

Can you hear them, Panchito? They're fucking!

That's good, good for them!

-Put down that damned newspaper. -Let them do as they please.

The people we saw earlier.

-Hello! -Hello!

Come on in.

Take a seat, please.

We didn't mean to be a bother.

No, sit down. You're among friends.

Sure, sit down.

She's amazing, Martinez. She's the girl of my dreams.

But, what are you saying?

No, I had to say that line.

-It's in the script, that line is hers. -No.

Hey, did she have to say that line or did 1?

Wait and see.

No, Eusebia. You have to look at her in surprise...

Like hesitation and bewilderment.

But she says, “She's the girl of my dreams.”

Is it clear now? Did you get it?

-Yes. -Well, let's go again.

-Shall we start again? -Yes. Action!

Gutiérrez, look. She's the girl of my dreams!

Oh. What a lovely couple.

-Martinez. -Pleased to meet you.

-Miss Fonseca. -A pleasure.

-Hello, how are you? -Pleased to meet you.

Please have a seat. Don't feel intimidated.

Make yourselves at home.

They are divine, aren't they?

Yes, they seem like a very nice couple.

-I love them. Oh, Gutiérrez! -Now.

-They look so well together, don't they? -I'm getting horny.

Oh, Gutiérrez!

Mine.

Mine.

My treasure.

My darling.

My love.

My life.

-Eat me. -My love.

I have never enjoyed it as much as with the three of you.

EL TORERO BULLRING

Yes, yes...

How can I help you?

We're sorry to disturb you, but we want to get married.

Are any of you already married?

-No. -No.

Well, I don't see the downside.

I'm sorry, I don't know if you've understood correctly.

It's just that... The four of us want to get married.

Mr. Martinez, will you take

Ms. Gutiérrez and Ms. Castell as your wives?

I do.

Ms. Castell, do you wish to take

Mr. Martinez and Mr. Gutiérrez as your husbands?

I do.

Ms. Fonseca, do you wish to take

Mr. Gutiérrez and Mr. Martinez as your husbands?

I do.

Mr. Gutiérrez, do you wish to take

Ms. Fonseca and Ms. Castell as your wives?

Yes.

By the authority vested in me by law, I pronounce you husbands and wives.

-Hurray! -Hurray!

Congratulations spouses!

Here is Rosalinda, the producer's girlfriend,

excitedly recalling her first performance as a film actress.

-Do you want to try it, my life? -Here you go, sweetheart.

-Listen. -You try it, love.

-Thank you, love. -Isn't this delicious?

How nice!

Well, I'm going to see if I can buy that cute pink dress.

Well, I like the mauve one much better, of course.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

What a life!

What is the matter?

I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it.

Tired of marriage already?

Going to bed every night with the same couple.

You're right, I've had it up to here.

I can't stand it, always with the same ones.

It can't be.

Ciao.

Ready?

Hey, let's get it on with this one. Shall we pick her up?

Come on.

-Hey, baby. -Baby.

What is the matter?

My husbands are cheating on me.

-On me too, then. -Yes.

-Aren't you confused? -No.

We should pick up other men too.

Come on! It's over.

It was indeed short.

Of course, good things never last.

It's the end of the second episode.

Why do they end it when things are heating up?

Well, so we buy the third episode.

I didn't know that such horny things happened on TV.

-They really have evolved. -It's not the TV, my dear.

-It's a video. -A video?

-A videotape. -In English, please, Bernard a.

Mrs. Bernard a

means that this is a tape she bought and put in that device.

And aren't you ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Bernard a?

You looked like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth.

You can't trust appearances, darling.

-Call me Kookie. -Fine, Kookie.

-You may look like... -A whore. Say so, I like it.

You're charmingly sincere.

No doubt about it, I call a spade a spade.

And I'm hornier than a chicken after drinking wine.

As soon as someone touches me, I'm spread-eagled.

A real find.

Congratulations, my dear Flanagan.

Congratulations.

I'm not worth that much.

She's also a box of surprises.

And she's beautiful.

She has a natural elegance.

I'm blushing. Indeed, I'm horny.

And guys like me.

I envy women who know how to attract men.

Anyone can do that. You just have to be a little bit naughty.

Know them in order to know where to attack them.

By doing lip service to some and using your lips on others.

And others, with your breasts, like babes.

What advice would you give Madame Bernardo to increase her attractiveness?

-You are an expert. -I don't know.

Yes, she's hot, but she's dressed like a grandma.

The merchandise needs to be shown off a little more.

How's this?

You have to show a little bit over here and a little bit there.

-Dress more cheerfully. -You're wearing a beautiful outfit.

I love it!

It was expensive, but I've hooked up a lot thanks to it.

But surely you must have something hotter than that, right?

-This outfit is from Paris. -Well, the guys are done for, then.

-I'm sure a faggot made it. -How funny!

-It's true. -Let's see.

Do you want me to make her as good as new?

I, in particular, would love it.

Me too.

Go for it.

Come on, don't be shy.

Let's go to her room. I'll make her sexier than me.

Go ahead, Pygmalion.

You rascal. I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it's dirty.

Wonderful, magnificent, Flanagan. It's the most vulgar, rude,

stupid, and miserable thing I've seen in my life.

Yes, that's what we needed.

Evil whores, despicable harlots!

You disgust me.

But the flaming sword of the Lord will fall on you.

-Bottoms up! -Bottoms up!

Come to me, Hornius.

Come to me, Bitchius Maledetivus.

Come to me, Sinfulus Fuckius.

Maledizione Bitchius Dickius.

Miscerere boyfriends.

Let's see!

Hey, that's not bad, huh?

-This is mind-blowing. -Stop with the flattery.

You have beautiful skin, if only you'd take care of it.

You're a sweetheart.

You must be a beast at making love.

I do what I can.

I'm sure you're not too bad yourself, once you're in the thick of it.

Do you like making love to another woman?

Well, it depends.

Women are softer, more tender than men.

What about you? Have you ever made love to another woman?

A long time ago, and it left an indelible mark on me.

You liked it, huh?

Not as much as doing it with you now.

Damn, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

-But, what were you doing? -Nothing, you see.

We were just chatting.

Damn.

Perverting my legal wife.

-No. -You deserve exemplary punishment.

-No. No, please! -Yes.

Yes, exemplary punishment.

No.

No.

-Damn it! -No!

Yes, exemplary punishment.

No! No! No!

Don't move!

Here is Rosalinda, the producer's girlfriend,

determined to achieve stardom.

Get in there, bitch.

Where are you going?

Cucufate.

Bim, bam, bim, boom, bam.

Cucufate.

No one else.

Kiss the in corrupt hand of St. Cucufate of Maguncia.

And the skull of Catherine the Great.

And repeat after me: Cucufate.

Cucufate. Cucufate.

Cucufate.

Cucufate.

This secret society,

whose origins date back to ancient Greece,

appears as a necessary reaction to the evils of the times.

Cucufate of Maguncia.

Simple men make him into a multinational society.

With a determined love of order and correctness,

which must now unwind and modernize

to fight against the scourges of society.

Our society holds annual meetings

of its major symposium,

and other more frequent ones, at a regional level.

In this festive season,

a prostitute is eliminated.

In this festive season, a prostitute is eliminated.

Who did you tell?

Cousin Beelzebub and Uncle Lucifer.

Who did you tell?

Cousin Beelzebub and Uncle Lucifer.

Who did you tell?

Cousin Beelzebub and Uncle Lucifer.

Who did you tell?

Cousin Beelzebub and Uncle Lucifer.

Cu -cu - fa - te.

Cu -cu - fa - te.

Cu -cu - fa - te.

Cu-cu-fa...

Finally, I hope they've come to get me.

Do you think we'll shoot today?

I don't know.

It was the perfect heist, we lost seven days of January

due to The National Shotgun.

Producers in the cabaret

while we're waiting for Godot like strangers on a train.

And what about Gloria's, Lobi's, Samantha's, and Julia's escape?

And we have the cursed money, and thanks to Sabrina,

we got Mel Brooks' latest folly off the ground.

I think this was all Oliver's doing.

Since Friday the 13th, he is considered one of the masters of the night.

He's a show-off.

Thanks to the fact that you're an unmarried woman.

And that the upcoming divorce will mean provisional freedom.

-Hello. -Hello.

Hello, brat. Can you give me a ride?

Depends on where you're going. We're in a hurry

and we're only going to Timbuktu, which is nearby.

-That works, should I get in? -Yes, of course.

Could you stop for a moment? I need to pee.

If you come down with me, we could play Mommies and Daddies.

What do you say, are you up for it?

Careful.

Come on.

Meet Rosalinda, the producer's ex-girlfriend

who never overcame her wonderful interpretation

in the scene of Moms and Dads with the leading man of the film.

Spencer? Spencer?

Spencer!

Spencer!

Spencer!

Spencer!

Spencer!

Spencer!

-Spencer! -What are you doing here all alone, cutie?

The session is beginning.

Pussy one starts.

Pussy two.

Pussy three.

Dick one.

Dick two.

Dick three.

Earthling pussy in optimal state

to impregnate with a galactic cock.

Pussy.

Pussy.

Pussy.

The earthly pussy has unloaded.

The earthly pussy has unloaded.

Earthling pussy can be impregnated

with children for the planet Argolios.

Argolios's pussies cannot impregnate.

Argolios's highly evolved pussies and dicks.

An accelerated impregnation system.

Pussy one.

Pussy two.

Pussy three.

THE END