Original subtitles

THRUST CASTLE

Kuni, Kuni... did you see that?

What was that?

They were knights from the stronghold.

Do they steal men?

Yes, but only handsome men, Bert.

Only handsome men?

As I said, only handsome men.

I forgot.

Oh dear, we were doing so well.

I can't believe they came just before I came.

One moment, I need to go.

Me too... what will happen to them?

My poor Hugo. He'll be tortured and violated.

Clear mountain water's the best.

No, no, no!

What do you want?

Noble King, I'm the new food taster.

Where's the old one?

He died yesterday... stomach ailment.

Stomach ailment?

What did he eat?

King Archibald, you're not saying...

Of course I am...

Archie, you don't suspect me...

Suspect? I'm certain...

Never mind... where was I?

You yelled No!

Exactly.

No, no, no!

That's it, you're getting married!

Dad, you know I can't be married off.

Walburga, talk to her!

Gudrun, how dare you talk to your father like that?

Don't get worked up. Princess, what a way to talk to your father, the King.

Such a tone to your father...

My own flesh and blood.

Gudrun, why don't you want to marry?

I do, but I'll decide when!

You have to decide before next week!

Where there's a will, there's a way...

Otherwise, I'll give you to any swineherd.

Do you understand? -Yes, daddy.

He has to solve my three riddles.

Stop with the silly quiz questions.

Not three riddles?

These days it's in fashion that you give a suitor you don't want...

three unsolvable riddles.

I can have them all decapitated.

Yes!

That's my best wine. I'll drink it myself.

I only want to...

I have had 7 wine merchants strangled for that.

Shut up...

Archie, your Bavarian manners...

That's so careless without having it tested.

Allow me to taste the wine.

Poison?

Asthma!

Thank God.

Goodnight, Gudrun, my dear daughter.

Gudrun, give your stepmother a good-night kiss.

Do I have to?

It's the done thing with decent robber barons.

Goodnight, dear stepmother!

Goodnight, Gudrun.

Archie, don't forget...

What is it?

Don't forget to fulfil your conjugal duties.

Again?

What do you mean, again? You know that the marital agreement...

says you have to make me happy each weekday.

And what day is it today?

Wednesday.

Archie, come to bed.

I want to, but you have to ask him. I'm tired.

Warfare is tiring.

But we're not fighting a war now.

Don't talk back to me. One always has to be prepared.

You're right, one must always be prepared, so come...

If I have to...

When do you start, Archie?

When do I start? I already finished!

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Archie.

Continue!

Archie! -Yes?

Sieglinde, you know I love you, but I just came from her.

Every decent robber baron has a love...

And what am I then?

Sigi... blow!

Oh, nice!

No, no, you have to blow out the candle.

Go!

Sire, in front of the door... a heap... a whole heap...

Who dares shit in front of my castle?

No, a heap of people.

It's a bridal procession.

What the hell is this?

Sire, this is my newly married daughter Adelaide.

As is our custom, you are entitled to the first night...

the Right of the Lord. She's still a virgin.

Alright then.

Come! -Me?

Yes, you. Come.

That way. Go, go.

But not with this hammer! This is the light fake hammer...

How often do I have to tell you we'll still be needing this one?

I forgot!

Use the heavy hammer for this. Never mind, we'll start right away.

Are you selling anything?

He's starting again!

I have to practice, don't I?

Yes, but not again.

You always play the salesman and I'm always the customer...

I'd like to be the salesman.

Bert, we had a deal. This time you're the customer and I'm the salesman.

Today, I'm the salesman and you're the customer.

That's true.

On your way.

What have I got here, ladies and gentlemen?

Helmets, guaranteed shock proof...

bump proof and hit proof helmets...

that protect you from any impact.

With these helmets, you're safe.

They're made of the best Byzantine steel.

Whoever buys such a helmet, and I'm almost giving them away...

...becomes practically invulnerable.

Today it doesn't cost 10, not 5, not 4...

...but 3 whole crowns. Who will be the first buyer?

You don't believe me? Let me prove it to you.

In front of your very eyes.

I'm hitting with this hammer and nothing happens.

Feel how heavy it is.

Who doesn't believe me?

Who'll be my first buyer?

I don't believe it!

He doesn't believe it.

Come here and convince yourself. Come closer.

I'm here already! But I don't believe it!

Come up and let me prove I'm speaking the truth.

You're about to see it.

Without this helmet, this poor man wouldn't survive.

My iron, Byzantine helmets can withstand this.

Attention... are you ready?

I'm ready, but I still don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

Without this helmet, this man would have been a corpse...

...because of this heavy hammer.

Have I been able to convince you?

Fantastic, I didn't believe it, but I do now.

Wonderful, how much does this helmet cost?

Since you're the first... 2 crowns.

I'll buy it right away.

Any other takers?

You won't regret buying this helmet.

Here, for 3 crowns. Anybody else for 3 crowns?

And who else?

I want a dozen for my sovereign.

One dozen, please.

But I want to try it myself.

He doesn't believe it. He wants to test it himself.

We'll do it again. Please be seated.

No, I want to feel it for myself.

He doesn't believe it. He wants to do it himself.

Here we have a fitting model. Are you ready?

I'm ready.

I want him to hit me hard. Hurry, get that hammer.

He doesn't believe it.

Me neither.

It's not there.

What isn't?

The hammer. The fake hammer.

Doesn't matter. Hit him.

I'm waiting. What's wrong?

But I'll kill him.

If you don't hit him, we'll be dead.

Well, what's the delay?

I don't believe it.

You wait until we're out of here. -I like it here.

Thank you.

What's wrong with you? What are you doing?

Is this new to you? You'll like it.

You can't just do that to me.

It's not that easy. And I paid for it.

We don't waste anything. Italians are frugal.

Don't be frugal with me!

Did you find the money yet?

No, but I'll get my friend. She has better eyesight.

Order!

I'm opening this session.

Bring in the accused.

In case of any disturbance, I'll have the room cleared.

Anyone who opens their ugly mouth, gets thrown out. Name?

Aurelio Fernando Giovanni Lorenzo Luigi Francesco Minestrone.

What?

Write down 'Vegetable Soup'.

Write down: "The accused has confessed".

I'm closing this session.

I have to send the report to the Supreme Court.

Alright, I'm opening the session again.

Can I get some food here?

Silence. This is a serious matter and I demand respect for the Court.

I'm serious. This is my last warning.

Or I'll have the room cleared.

Silence.

What did he say?

Silence!

Don't yell. I'm not deaf.

For the last time... silence!

Accused, you are being charged with deflowering 14 girls.

What does 'deflower' mean?

Deflower is deflower!

What have you got to say to that?

Hurry, I have more to do.

Tomorrow and the day after, we're burning witches.

And 4 or 5 torturings to be precise.

Right and they can take long.

Hopefully... hopefully.

Well, Your Honour...

The first virgin was called Genovefa.

She was sixteen and the moon was shining.

She was blonde and her skin was white as milk.

She had a tiny white butt.

And long legs and soft thighs.

One on the left and one on the right, and in between...

...paradise. Very sweet.

With little blonde hairs.

And then the little, white breasts.

Hard as little apples.

With pink buttons.

And I played with them and played with them.

You villain, tell us more, more.

The second one was Julietta. Feisty, tanned, firm body.

With tanned breasts that pointed to heaven.

They asked to be kissed.

Your Honour, once you must have put your finger...

Certainly...

You'll hang for that.

You've also made fake keys for...

...chastity belts and made love potions.

Take 80 grams of turtle eggs...

...stir through some horse piss and a bit of chervil juice.

Rhino horn powder and don't forget... Spanish fly...

Have you got everything?

Give me. Silence... silence!

And describe how you raped the baker's wife.

She was washing herself...

...with soap, lathering her large breasts with it.

And then her thighs and in between.

First with the brush, and she was moaning.

What she then did with the brush...

She pushed it in, deeper and deeper.

The baker's wife was very clean! I haven't finished yet.

For that, you'll be beheaded. Continue.

From behind, I very slowly took her large breasts...

...and because I felt sorry for her, I took the brush...

...and replaced it with something that worked a lot better.

Silence! Silence!

Get lost!

Where's the executioner?

Your Honour, there's no executioner in the village.

We'd happily pay a thousand thalers for one.

What shall we do? We're in a hurry.

We're in a hurry.

We'll even pay two thousand for the pleasure.

I know an executioner!

Who is it?

Him.

I can't stand the sight of blood. You've gone crazy.

But you can stand the sight of money.

What do we need that block for?

We have to do a test. That sword hasn't been used for a while.

And the handle's loose.

Go on, kneel.

Why?

Practice. Or have you beheaded someone before?

I forgot.

But be careful.

Of course.

Stop! I'm the executioner. Why do I have to kneel?

But you can't stand the sight of blood.

I for...

You forgot. Coward!

I'm not a coward. I'm just scared.

Nonsense. Come on.

Idiot, you don't even know how to hold a sword.

Here, take this cudgel.

Aim well.

Don't hit my head.

Are you ready?

Yes, idiot. Go!

If it pleases Your Highness Sigurd Von Schreckenstein and your spouse...

...we shall now commence the execution.

Bring the delinquent, Aurelio etc., called Vegetable Soup.

For dishonouring young girls, you will first be hung...

...and then beheaded.

What day is it?

Monday.

Then the week starts well.

Executioner, approach!

I'm ready.

Kuni, I'm blind! I'm blind!

Man, you're stupid. Put the holes in front of your eyes.

Hello, how are you?

Not bad, thank you.

It's easy for you. It will be over in no time...

but I have to clean up the mess.

I'm sorry. Can I help?

Please, come by when it's all over.

Oh excuse me, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Your Highness, shall we commence the hanging?

There, that's secure.

I'm pardoning you!

We'll commence the beheading.

If you'll be so kind as to kneel again...

This will be my cleanest execution yet.

Thanks, spread the word.

That's not bad either. Thank you, Lord.

Thank you so much.

I'm pardoning you a second time.

Pity, pity...

Wait! There's a third method... of my own design.

What should I do exactly?

Push him down.

But it's very high!

I know.

Have a good journey.

It's not working.

Harder, harder.

But he'll fall down.

Hurry up, idiot. I'll show you.

Follow your master.

You're lucky, my friend, you're really free now.

Better go now, before I change my mind.

And I have a little surprise for you too.

A surprise!

What do you want here?

Do you mean me?

No, I mean myself. Speak up. What do you want here?

Marry the princess, for instance.

Marry the princess...

And other than that, you're alright?

I'd have to see her first.

See her? Others have tried that.

They all don't have a head anymore.

So what?

So what? Did you hear that?

You see, our princess has a little peculiarity.

She'll give you 3 riddles and if you can solve them...

...you'll get her.

If not, your head comes off.

So what?

So what? I've had enough of you. Lock him up!

I like you, lad. If you're looking for work, I have something for you.

As a swineherd.

This way, please.

Welcome, Archie. Make yourself at home.

Your wife just died and you're partying?

I don't know what I'm doing in my sorrow.

But don't you like it here?

I've been thinking about what you need.

I'm thinking about a honeymoon.

Not too long, 2 or 3 years, right?

Because you're so busy.

Archibald, rumour has it that your wife can't get enough. Is that true?

I guess you always have to give it your best.

And you also have a girlfriend, whereas poor me...

...lived in misery.

My wife was so ugly that the castle ghost even stopped appearing.

What? Castle ghost?

Yes, we had a castle ghost here.

But it stopped haunting the castle a long time ago.

It was afraid of the competition.

And now I celebrate that she's in heaven because the devil won't want her.

And that's why I'm on a crusade now.

A crusade, great idea!

Cheers, my friend, to a couple of quiet years.

I hope it won't be all that quiet.

Let me through, darling.

I've prepared well for my holiday.

Brother Jacob.

Hey! Take your hands off my body. It's for the ladies.

Brother Jacob, a very good gambler, as you'll see.

He plays hard as nails and loves the ladies.

Stop, stop! Can I introduce my friend Archie?

Nice to meet you, pious Brother.

The pleasure is mine, Sovereign.

Let me through, let me through! Fear not, Sovereign!

I'm here to save you! Fear not!

All women to the back, so nothing can happen!

Where did you find him?

Pages are very hard to find.

Archie, are you feeling alright?

I feel just fine.

Aren't you a bit nervous?

Nervous?

Why would I be nervous?

One doesn't leave three beautiful women behind alone.

Not to worry! My women are wearing chastity belts.

Aren't there duplicate keys?

I once knew a little Italian who could open anything.

It almost cost him his head.

Impossible. With me, that's impossible.

Did you say 'a little Italian'?

Yes, indeed.

I got my chastity belts from a little Italian.

That could be dangerous. Terrible!

I'll have to send someone home to see what's happening.

I'm volunteering.

You'd like that, swineherd. You stay here.

So what?

A little sustenance for our hero.

What is it? What are you waiting for?

Allow me to say I haven't had breakfast for three days.

I don't care. Go to the castle to check things out.

Go or I'll have your ears cut off.

You've convinced me. Goodbye.

Open up. I'm here on a secret mission.

A secret assignment from King Archibald. Open up right away!

Bert, come. I'm up here.

If you could see what I can.

Who's calling?

Here, here. It's me, Bert.

Where are you?

Where are you? I'll be right back!

Not so loud. Come, it's great.

What are you doing up there? -Not so loud. Come up.

What about that?

These things are very unpleasant.

I hope the locks won't rust and get stuck.

The King will smuggle some oil out of the Orient.

Yes, I hope so.

Kuni, Kuni!

Who have we here?

Good evening.

But I know him!

Stop! Stay here!

Speak up, how did you get here?

And where is my husband?

You don't want to tell me what you have done.

Think about it well.

We have other ways to make you talk.

What is that, mummy?

Salt, my child.

I'm not saying anything.

I think I have an idea.

I'll tell you everything!

How low... and I thought they were on a crusade.

He's going to get it now.

Tomorrow, we'll go there and we'll give him...

a good verbal thrashing.

He'll enjoy that!

He sure will.

I don't believe that.

Neither do I.

Put him in the deepest dungeon until I'm ready with him.

But I told you everything honestly!

It was the truth. I've confessed everything!

I'll look after the prisoner. I'm the executioner.

Out of my sight and put him in irons.

Certainly, Madam.

Certainly, Madam.

When are we leaving, mummy?

We're not. When my husband takes a break from marriage...

so can I and I want to bet...

that I can do it better than him.

With these?

Isn't there a little Italian...

who can open all locks?

We need to find him.

You won't have to look for very long.

He's been living with me for over a week.

Sieglinde, what could he do with you?

A few things.

Be careful!

Yes, Madam. What will I get for this?

The most beautiful thing I have.

I like the sound of that.

Did he drill you for this long as well?

For much longer, Madam... afterwards.

I have to warm my fingers.

Is it finally open?

Yes.

Finally.

Mirror, mirror not on the wall...

who's got the most beautiful one of all?

But Madam, everybody around here knows that.

And now it's my turn.

Absolutely not! You'll wait until I give you permission.

There are enough swine. I mean swineherds.

You're mean, mummy!

I know.

Nasty, mummy.

Goodnight, Madam. You won't have to pay the bill this time.

You stay here. I always pay cash.

I can do that for you.

You'd like that, wouldn't you? Come here.

Here I am.

What, is he naked already? I'll go then...

You stay here.

Sieglinde, are you watching well?

Sieglinde, look here. Look how good he is.

Now I'll lose my head because I betrayed the King.

And I can deal with the mess on my own, being the executioner.

I'm sorry for you.

And he'll probably chop the goat's head off too.

No, not the goat! Then rather me...

Maybe I shouldn't tell him anything.

But he'll find out anyway when his wife suddenly shows up.

We have to find a solution.

It's not that simple, but you might think of something.

Let's go.

Come, Sieglinde, hurry. -I'm coming.

Let go off me. -Come, Heidi.

No! -Stand still!

No, don't do it. I've never... I'm still a virgin!

Don't make a scene. We're not living in the Middle Ages.

Wilhelm and Gaby are controlling themselves too.

I can control myself like that.

Don't look.

There!

No, please!

Hugo, Hugo!

Slow down, I can't go this fast!

They're catching men!

Only the handsome men!

Bert, only the handsome men, I said.

Only the handsome men?

I forgot about that.

Open up!

I wonder how my Hugo's going.

Yes, and my Wilhelm.

They're being harassed and tortured.

I can't handle it anymore. I can't just sit here.

I'm going.

Are you coming?

No, I'll wait here, if it takes ten years.

That's too long for me.

How do you like being in prison? -I've had worse.

Finally, you're back.

Yes, it's a long story, isn't it, Kuni?

Yes and she has something to do with it too.

Isn't she sweet and innocent? I mean, she's innocent.

Alright, alright. But how's Gudrun?

Very well, thanks for asking. Thank you.

What does that mean? Does she still have the belt?

The safety belt.

What's that?

Nothing special, Sire.

Well, then everything's alright.

Dad, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving tonight.

What... dad? Is he a son of yours?

Of course, my Kasimir. He's leaving tonight.

Are you crazy, my child? Who rides so late through night and wind?

That's excellent. That line will be very famous one day.

Where are you going, my Kasimir?

To her!

Where to?

To my daughter.

That boy isn't quite normal.

He goes to a woman when he can get all the women here.

You're not a swineherd at all. You're a real prince!

So what? -To my daughter!

Well, Archie, we may become family.

Hey you! Hello!

Do you mean me?

I think you can help me.

Which dragon is it about?

Dragon? What dragon?

When a virgin asks a knight for help these days...

it has to be about a dragon.

But dragons no longer exist.

Virgins don't exist anymore either.

How wrong you can be.

I really don't have time. What's it about?

About my husband to be.

I'd have preferred a dragon.

You have to free him. He was kidnapped by two knights the day before yesterday.

The day before yesterday? By two knights? Strange.

And now he's imprisoned in the castle.

Don't tell me you've been sitting here for two days.

Fantastic! No girl ever waited two days for me.

So you'll help me?

The thing is I have a vague acquaintance here.

But it could be dangerous.

Dangerous?

So what?

Such insolence.

A vagrant has the audacity...

Do you even know who I am?

I'm the princess.

So what?

That will cost you your head.

No one has ever solved my riddles. Whether sons of kings or princes...

nobody has succeeded.

So what?

And you think you know better, swineherd?

Alright, you'll get a chance...

but don't be surprised if you'll be walking around with no head tonight.

So what?

My first question is: How many hairs does my horse have?

3,586,413.

Correct! Now the second question.

How many bristles does a pig have?

3,912.

Correct!

The third... how many scales does the fish have?

Which fish?

Correct!

Correct! Correct!

Are you insane? Marry a swineherd?

So what?

Say something, Archie. She wants to marry a swineherd. A swineherd.

What's all this about?

About me. I'm getting married.

I'm very pleased.

So you're getting married... What's wrong? Poison?

Asthma.

Cheers. What are we drinking to?

To my wedding, dad.

Of course, your wedding. My child's getting married.

To a swineherd! -What?

Oh well, a swineherd... What, a swineherd?

So what? -The poor swine.

Fire him right away!

You know how hard it is to get good personnel.

Or good husbands.

Very true. Have you got one already?

That's what we've been talking about. The swineherd!

Yes... the swineherd.

Did you finally find someone who solved your stupid riddles?

Perfectly, dad... perfectly.

A pity. I would have liked to chop off someone's head again.

It's so boring here.

And it's boring over there too.

Father's looking into the distance.

Can't you have him decapitated?

You're jealous!

You're talking to your stepmother.

Silence, I said! The bloody noise!

Your Serene Highness...

Don't listen. She'll wrap you around her finger.

I want my swineherd!

Over my dead body.

That would be just fine.

Now what? Can we never get any peace here?

Out, out with you.

Please.

King Siegurd sends his greetings. He's going on a crusade...

Crusade, that's the solution!

And he asks for your assistance.

Tell the king that I'll comply with his request...

but first a drink to his health...

Where's my drink?

Yes, I know, asthma.

He's really a goner.

Cheers, Archie.

I'm not drinking anything today.

Indeed... The elevator's coming!

Good, thank you!

And up!

You? I thought you were dead!

Ill weeds never die. Especially not Italian weeds.

I'm alive and you're the first one I visit in my new life.

I'm a man of few words. Yes or no?

No, really. But you've convinced me.

That's my strength. I'm irresistible.

Now I know why all these women like you... but...

But what?

You Italians always make lots of little children...

But not with me, hot-blooded Romeo.

Yes, I'm hot-blooded.

You have to be careful.

But of course. -Do you promise?

I promise.

That's not enough.

Why not? What should I do?

You'll see.

What's that?

Stand on that. You're so short.

Whatever you want. As long as we do it.

But tell me when it's time.

I will.

I'm looking at your eyes.

Just making sure.

There was no need for that.

The King... quickly!

Hurry, hurry. -Yes, yes.

Go away. Quickly.

It feels like Christmas.

Sieglinde, I have to say goodbye to you.

I broke my ass. You'll pay for that!

I'll make you join the King's troops. Stay here!

You're joining our crusade to the Orient...

and I'll make sure you won't return from there.

Have mercy, General. I'm not a good soldier.

Italians never were. I'll get you two other men.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

General, I'll bring you two birds, I mean soldiers.

And how do I know you'll come back?

You'll get that back when you bring me two warriors.

Look who we have here!

Vegetable soup!

Minestrone, please... my two executioners, what a coincidence!

You sell everything. Aren't you selling some food?

I'm sorry.

A shame, because I'm hungry.

I know a place where you get three meals a day and some money too.

Attention!

I'm going to drill you until your asses drag on the ground!

At ease. Attention!

I'm going to drill you until you drop!

Do you want to die?

No, I want to... -A new recruit!

Please. -Shut up! Attention!

Attention everybody!

At ease! -Shut up!

No, I'd rather eat something.

Who have we here? That saved the day. Come with me.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Do you remember the helmets?

That's that. Let's eat!

Eat? Where?

Your Highness, the entire company's present.

That's good. I'll be there... I'll be there...

Listen, wife, you stay chaste.

You know I will, darling.

My girl... -Daddy.

Archie, make sure the swineherd doesn't return alive.

Don't worry...

You there, swineherd...

Me?

Who else? You can come on the crusade. Isn't that great?

Stupid assholes...

There's another one.

So what do we have here?

Here! -Thank you.

Right turn, bastards! Forward march!

Left, left...

Company stop!

Turn left!

Order arms!

Attention!

Excuse me.

Did you see my friend?

A new one.

What is this?

What?

Shut up!

What's all this?

Forward march... what are you waiting for?

What is this?

I'll turn you scarecrows into soldiers.

Bert, I've been looking everywhere for you.

Get in line!

In line! -In line with what, sir?

Hold your snout! -Schnauzer?

Stop! -I'm reporting two new ones, Sire.

Nine... that's one too many.

One of you two will be bestowed the great honour...

He means me... thank you, Sire.

of accompanying me on the crusade...

Did you hear that, Bert? It's a great honour for you.

Thank you... crusade... me on a crusade?

What do I have to do with a crusade?

I'm an honourless creature. A worm, an earthworm, a mealworm.

My friend deserves to go with you...

Such a noble man.

Listen, Bert, you're a noble man. You should go on the crusade.

Later, I'll tell your sons what a great hero you were.

"Were"? When is later?

After you've perished.

I'll tell your darling what a great hero you are.

Hello dear, what's for dinner today?

Forward march!

Can I point out that you'll be away for a long time?

I have three very modern chastity belts.

The last ones from my spring collection...

Get lost!

Will I get my money back? I gave you two, didn't I?

What? That one's yours too? -Yes.

I'll kick your ass for that one.

Let me lick.

I have to come up with something. I already did!

Why do I need that terrible thing?

Everybody knows that I'm chaste.

Better safe than sorry.

What if you lose the key or you die?

That would be your problem.

Right, and now my chaste daughter.

What?

But I don't want it!

But I'm still a virgin!

Maybe your ears are.

But that thing is way too big!

I'll be gone for three years. It will fit by then.

What an honour.

I have to fit you a chastity belt. The King's orders.

I'll have to accept the inevitable.

But since business will be closed for so long...

can I make a last request?

Now I'm no longer on duty.

I can easily comply with your request.

I'm very well endowed.

That's alright.

They're all running off, Sire!

That's alright. The fewer we are, the braver we are.

I hadn't thought of that.

The enemy, Sire!

Turn around!

Stop that, it's alright.

Don't give up. I'm coming, Sire!

No, no!

Don't be a coward. Forward, attack!

King Siegurd greets you and invites you to his castle.

The enemy's there! Such a stupid animal.

You'll end up in the sausage factory.

What am I doing in the forest?

I can also go the other way around. I'm coming, Sire. Attack!

Don't give up, Sire! Here comes help! I'm coming!

Don't be afraid!

What's with him?

He hasn't been crusading for very long yet.

I'm coming!

Out! Get lost!

Get lost!

Go! -Yes.

Get out!

And now for you.

Open it or you're dead.

I'd rather die than disobey your mother.

We'll see about that.

What if you'll get what's behind the belt?

You've convinced me.

Come, hurry.

Well? What is it?

One moment.

Now what?

I... I don't know.

What don't you know?

I... don't you have your swineherd?

Do you think he'll become any less from it?

I've never been with a princess before.

Believe me, they're just like the others.

Look.

Mamma mia... It's not possible right now.

That's how most men react.

That's why I had so many decapitated.

I'd prefer that to you seeing me like this.

You Italians aren't what you used to be.

I should have stuck with my swineherd.

I don't think there's anything here for me anymore.

Yes, but how's my future husband?

Listen, if I were you, I wouldn't wait any longer.

Thanks, goodbye!

Come here.

Where are we going?

Away.

Kuni, things could get out of hand here any moment.

Are you serious?

And you're gonna get some too.

I'll teach you two a lesson.

Bert, I have an idea. We're going to scare them.

And when the Queen arrives, there won't be anyone left.

And now we're going to play the coin game.

Real gold. Who grabs it, can keep it.

But how should we scare them?

Not us, the castle ghost.

And here's a new coin for a new trick.

Susi, you do it. She's a natural.

What ghost is that?

Well, that damned knight who's supposed to haunt this place.

But ghosts don't exist.

Yes, they do. Come here.

You'll be the ghost.

In your dreams!

Are you crazy? Why me?

Girl, do you want to earn a coin?

Don't do that. My nerves can't handle that.

Do you really think it works?

This miracle potion can even raise the dead.

Abracadabra...

We'll go in. I'll go first and I'll yell...

The Black Knight! The Black Knight!

And you swing the sword around.

Good!

Yes, louder.

And how will the ghost be released?

A virgin must lick him.

Help, a ghost! Run! The Black Knight!

You always think of something new.

Bert, it's clearly useless.

I have to play the knight myself.

Bert, where are you? Open up. I can't see anything.

Where are you, Kuni?

Ah, there you are. I've been looking everywhere.

That's not bad.

Kuni, where...

What happened here? What's wrong?

This isn't funny anymore.

You always exaggerate.

One, two, three...

Kuni, what have you done?

Kuni, it's over, stop it.

Bert, where are you? I can't open that thing.

It's stuck.

Thank God, that's better.

Bert, listen...

What's wrong, Kuni?

Bert, there's another one outside.

Oh man!

Now I'm fed up!

Kuni, what have you done now?

He was an asshole but this is going too far.

Stop this nonsense. There's a dead man here and there too.

There's a ghost! Run for your lives!

A ghost!

Sigi, I don't like that. You're repeating the joke.

Believe me, Sire. Look for yourself. You won't see anything.

My love potion's finished.

You'll see. It works really well.

We're lucky to have escaped.

Stop it!

Gudrun, what's wrong?

We have to go to Walpurga.

I don't want anything from her.

Nonsense, I have to warn them about daddy.

Only if you promise to marry me.

I love you.

Quickly, daddy's coming!

What?

Yes, he's back.

Hurry.

Gudrun!

Gudrun, why are you helping me?

Because you have to agree to my marriage.

To a swineherd? Never!

Alright, but you know what daddy did with his first three wives.

Blackmailer! Where's your chastity belt?

That's a long story.

Daddy! -Gudrun, my child!

I'm back, wife!

Archie, what a nice surprise.

Dad, I'm so glad you came back all of a sudden.

There we go, darling.

Not in front of your daughter.

Where's my key? -Here!

How did you get my key?

I just stole it.

Not before you agree to my marriage.

That's alright.

Archie, are you crazy? To that swineherd?

That's a prince, the son of King Sigi.

What? That changes things.

And here it is.

Who? -Your son-in-law.

What? That Neapolitan slime ball? Get out!

I'm so horny!

Excuse me, I'm responsible for your horniness.

His love potion.

Did I drink that? Let me embrace you, son-in-law!

And let me too.

By all means.

Archibald, I don't know you like this.

Neither do I.

Exactly my type, my collar width... how lovely, how tasty.

Who are you?

I haven't introduced myself yet.

Sigurd von Schreckenstein. Nice to meet you.

Where are we?

This is a pleasure castle of a friend of mine.

Come, let's go.

Why? It's nice here.

Yes, but dangerous.

Dangerous, why?

Can't you imagine?

No, I'm very inexperienced.

That's exactly why. Come.

Do you know the fairy-tale about the mouse?

The mouse? -Yes.

A mouse was walking through the desert.

Why?

Because it was being chased. And it ran and ran.

And it was getting hotter and hotter and hotter.

You're very expressive.

And then the little mouse undressed. First her shirt.

And then her skirt.

I'm getting hot too.

And the little mouse ran and ran, but the pursuer came ever closer.

Go on.

The little mouse cried out for help and the wizard gave her a magic wand.

But that's not a magic wand.

It's becoming a big and beautiful magic wand.

That hurts!

You're really still a virgin.

I was...

What I always wanted... and you really don't know who I am?

No idea!

Will you be my wife?

Of course, Prince Kasimir!

We have to last another 15 minutes.

Now he's also spilled salt. That brings bad luck.

Released by this virginal creature.

I am the Prince and everything here belongs to you.

Kuni?

And you will be my princess.

Kuni. Kuni! Mummy!