Original subtitles

[ Birds chirping ]

I did it. I'm gonna have my very own garden.

I can't wait till these little seedies

grow into little planties.

Sarah, I know you want to start your own garden,

so I dug out me old Blood & Bone from the garage.

Thought you could use some Blood & Bone.

Uh, it's alright, Dad, the YouTube video

I just watched said I could use Wollongong soil

'cause apparently it's very nutritious. Alright, fine, fine.

Forget I said anything about the Blood & Bone.

I guess you don't need the Blood & Bone for your garden.

Yep, I was just trying to help,

but I guess you don't want any help from me.

Fuck you, Sarah.

Alright, well, um, guess I just wait now.

[ Whirring ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

Sarah!

Oh, hey, sis! Oh, my God!

I haven't seen you in months. How was Portugal?

Yes, it was lovely! Thank you!

I rented an Airbnb in Portugal, and --

What are you looking at? I'm talking! Uh, sorry.

...in Portugal to write my novel,

but I met a man, and we had a coronavirus romance!

Now we are getting married!

Oh, my God! Congratulations! That's incredible, Sharon!

Thank you! That is why I have come!

You and Mum and Dad are invited to my wedding

on Planet Bali tonight!

Here is the pretty invitation I made on Photoshop!

Oh, yeah. It's very pretty.

See you all there tonight!

Fucking hell, she was loud.

[ Flies buzzing ]

Hey, Sharon just dropped around to invite us to her wedding.

She's getting married on Planet Bali.

Who's Sharon?

My sister? Your daughter?

Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

So you guys coming?

Nah.

Unh! Oh! Ah!

Mm! Ah!

Is Mom alright?

Yeah, she'll be right.

Hurry up. How long is this gonna take?

Now, now, Rachel, blade-smithing is a delicate process.

These forging techniques span thousands of years.

We mustn't disgrace the steel gods of Gwentalia.

Shut the fuck up, man. Is this nearly done?

Yep, here you go.

These Lucas blades go like hotcakes on my Etsy,

so you are very privileged to get one this quick,

in my opinion.

Fuck, yeah. This is definitely my new look.

I know you just commissioned me to make this blade,

but may I ask what your intentions are with it?

I had a vision at some stupid, fucking backyard hippie party.

Saw myself as, like, an empress or some shit holding a sword.

I guess I always wanted this for myself,

but I never realized I could make it into a reality till now.

Alright, now shut up.

Hey, Rach-- Oh, hi, Lucas.

Oh, hello, Sarah.

You look rather beautiful and sun kissed today.

Thanks. I've been gardening.

I'm kind of, like, a gardener now.

Oh, that's so cool!

Personally, I like tech stuff, but nature is cool, too.

I enjoy the fractal element. What do you want?

Oh, my sister Sharon is getting married on Planet Bali.

Did you want to come? Could be fun.

Yeah, alright, but I'll warn you --

I get pretty emotional at weddings.

Oh, really? I didn't know that.

Yeah, something about two people finding each other

against all odds gets me going.

And the free drinks.

Oh, you're going to a wedding?

I love weddings!

But alas, I wasn't invited.

So I shall listen to sad music and walk home alone.

[ Sad music plays ]

You can come if you want.

Yay!

I know you two are usually the feminine duo,

but I sense a new vibe for us.

We're a trio!

And I shall now write our theme song in my head.

♪ Lucas and Rachel and Sarah ♪

♪ Lucas and Rachel and Sarah ♪

♪ Lucas and Rachel and Sarah ♪

♪ Lucas and Rachel and Sarah ♪

♪ Lucas and Rachel and Sarah ♪

[ Upbeat music plays ]

I haven't seen your sister in ages.

Remember when we used to get fucked up and bash people

at Wollongong Train Station?

Um, that was just you two.

Oi, can't come in with that sword.

It's my new look. I'm not gonna use it. Calm down.

Sorry, love. No weapons allowed.

Ugh, fine. Whatever.

Oi, stay out here and mind my sword.

We're a trio.

Uh-huh. Can you wait away from me, mate?

Oh, good. We made it just in time.

Do you, Sharon, take this, whatever it is,

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do!

Crab-tastic.

You may now kiss.

Peleeken? That's the guy from the Bush Doof.

[ Crying ]

Fuck. Sorry.

It's just so beautiful. It's like a fucking fairy tale.

[ Gulps ]

Ah. [ Glass shatters ]

Sarah! You made it!

Of course. Congratulations!

I didn't know you were marrying Peleeken.

Rachel and I know him.

Thank you, yes! We met on my 30th birthday!

I was partying at Portugal Club in Portugal!

All my friends were passed out,

but then I looked across the room, and there he was --

Peleeken!

I knew right then and there we had to get married!

Yes, I never believed in love at first sight before I saw --

Shut up! I'm telling the story!

Sorry, dear.

[ Chuckles ] That was so awkward.

Yeah, how long do you give it?

Like two months.

[ Growls ]

It is time, everyone, for the wedding photos!

I see what's happened.

I've been used. Classic.

Hey, there. Hello.

I saw you from across the pond.

You have beautiful eyes, but they seem full of sadness.

What's wrong? [ Sighs ]

I'm in love with the most beautiful woman

in the entire universe, but she doesn't love me back.

Oh, no, that does sound like love,

but it doesn't seem like she's thinking about you at all.

You really want a photo of me holding hands with your husband?

Yes, this is beautiful! We are breaking jealousy norms!

Ouch. My heart.

You know what you need to do?

Go in there and declare your love.

Then maybe she'll ditch that strange, little man for you.

Yes. It is time to fight for love.

Great. Got some good pickies.

Wait! Can you take one on my Polaroid camera

of just the guests? Okey-doke.

[ Gulping ] Ah!

Unh! [ Glass shatters ]

Ugh, I think I drank too much.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Guests scream ]

I did it! I have the best wedding photo of all time!

My guests are trapped here forever!

This beats all your shit wedding photos!

Oh, my God, what a try-hard.

I know, and it's still a crappy photo.

[ Gasping ] Oh, my God!

We're trapped in here.

Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

No, Rachel, don't!

[ All screaming ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

Please, let my friends go.

Oh, this is just awful!

Quiet, puny husband.

Now that I have my photo with all the guests inside,

the whole world will love me

as -- as the coolest bride ever!

Take your hands off my Sarah.

I want to declare right now that I love her,

and I will challenge you to a duel --

Wait, where'd everyone go?

Lucas, help! We're trapped in this photo and --

[ Retches ]

...and Rachel can't stop vomiting!

Turn around and leave, neckbeard.

You don't want to get involved.

No! I'm finally standing up for myself

and fighting for what I believe in -- true love!

Yaah!

What an interesting attempt, little thing.

But nothing can stop me now.

I have my wedding photo with all the guests trapped inside,

and I will upload it to the Internet,

and I will get the likes in the world.

Ah ha!

Please, help!

[ Coughing ]

[ Laughs evilly ] Get ready to die.

[ Retching ] [ Muffled screaming ]

Unh! Oi.

Aah! Fuck. [ Thud! ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Retching ]

Oh, my God!

Sharon, I'm sorry I kicked you,

but you were becoming a scary bride.

But you're still my wife, and I love you.

[ Kiss! ]

♪ Ooh! ♪

P-Peleeken?

Sharon! You're alive!

I don't know what came over me.

The wedding, the bridesmaids.

I guess it all sent me a bit crazy.

That's okay, darling. I understand.

You were just stressed.

Oh! I've got an idea!

Let's go on an Airbnb honeymoon

and eat cheese and crackers and binge epic TV shows.

Yay!

Yeah, this was the most cringe wedding ever.

Yeah, I know, and the food was shit, too.

I guess I... saved you, Sarah.

Yeah, I guess you did.

Uh...sorry. I should get Rachel some water.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, n-no problem.

Yes. Water.

Yes. [ Kisses ]

[ Groans ] That was all so beautiful.

Fuck, I'm so horny now. [ Retches ]

Did you win your maiden?

No, it's hopeless.

Even after saving her, she still doesn't care for me.

You know, I pity you, Lucas, and it's kind of funny

watching you try to win over this plain woman.

So I suppose I can give you the recipe

to my ancestors' ancient love potion.

[ Electricity crackles ]

But I warn you -- nobody has ever

successfully gathered all the ingredients.

I don't even know how powerful it is.

Hmm. Alchemy?

I don't think so.

Well, hold onto them just in case.

Okay.

Hmm, all things considered,

that was actually a pretty normal wedding.

Too bad Crabba didn't get to play.

I mean, we can still play a song if you all want.

All: Yes, play a song!

Alright, hit it.

1, 2, 3!

♪ Crab song ♪

♪ Everybody's singing the crab song ♪

♪ Crab, crab, oh, crab, crab ♪

[ Indistinct singing and shouting ]

♪ Crab, crab, oh, crab, crab ♪

♪ 'Cause we are crabs and you are crabs ♪

♪ Crab, crab, oh, crab, crab ♪

♪ Crab music, crab music, crab music ♪

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