Original subtitles

LILY: Okay, Jenny! You excited for

"Take your perfect little daughter to work" day?

JENNY: Totally! LILY: That's my girl!

You finally get to see Mommy be a big boss!

How many kids in your class can say that?

LILY: Fine... fine...

Barf. Also barf...

And this doesn't look like electric green to me.

I think they were sort of trying to go with--

Jenny, what colour would you call this?

Booger green.

Exactly!

We want electric green, not booger green,

not this grody, two-seasons-ago green.

[laughs nervously]

Don't waste my time until it's perfect.

[phones ringing in background]

You'll see when you're running the show one day, baby girl.

You've got two choices:

you can spare people's feelings, or...

you can actually get what you want.

♪

♪

Okay, Zoe, you ready to visit your Lola?

That makes one of us.

[sighs]

♪

♪

The fuck?

NATHAN: I am so sorry about all the crying last night.

That pill.

But I think it was kind of cathartic, you know?

I don't care.

Look at this!

Wow, you really want me to stop taking birth control, huh?

They're Nathan Jr's. Did he buy a lifetime supply?

What are you doing?

Trying to find some room in here for your lunch.

But with all these, um...

these condoms...

I guess you're done with your vow of celibacy?

Unless...

unless you're jerking off into them.

Why would I do that?

Just a lot of reasons, right?

I mean, sanitation, sensitivity training, science project?

What kind of science project?!

Yeah, what kind of science project, Kate?

Huh, well, you know, you do your thing,

and then you freeze it, and then, you know...

Cumsicle? NATHAN JR: Please stop.

Wh-- what's happening?

NATHAN JR: I'm just trying to be open

to an open relationship.

Oh!

All the condoms are for different...

That makes more sense.

I don't know why I went right to "cumsicles."

[under his breath] Yeah.

But how open are you? Because this is a gigantic box.

The regular amount of open!

Whatever Julian wants.

Is that what you want?

Yes!

I also want to be done with this conversation, so...

Don't forget these.

Not that you could forget 'em. So many.

NATHAN JR: Bye!

Oh my God, that just went about as bad as it could go.

That was just really, really, really bad.

I mean, it wasn't great, but...

I'm picking him up after school today.

NATHAN: Yeah... KATE: I'm gonna let him drive.

Oh, God.

Give him the wheel, and then I'll talk to him.

I really-- I really don't think you should do that.

Just promise me you won't talk about

jerking off into condoms, okay?

KATE: I won't. NATHAN: Kate...

KATE: I got this.

LIONEL: Ugh, I can't find Tula anywhere in the house!

Of course you can't.

She's probably crawling around in the walls by now.

Is this supposed to make me feel better?

Because it's not.

Okay, you know this fear that you're feeling right now?

What if you thought of it as excitement?

[laughs] You want me to be excited,

yeah, that a giant hairy spider could just...

could just be anywhere?

ANNE: What if she's in the cabinet?!

LIONEL: Oh, God!

Wasn't that a rush?

I'm gonna shit my pants, Anne!

What if she's crawling around in our coffee mugs right now?

God! I'm hating every moment of this!

Why are you doing this to me?

So you feel the pull.

What pull? What is going on with you?

I feel great. Better than ever.

Are you sure?

Because this seems like the opposite

of getting back to normal.

Do you think maybe we should, you know,

check in with the brain doctor?

Ugh!

Okay, thanks for your concern, Dad.

I'm going to work.

Don't wait up.

♪

[tense music]

Oh...

Did she, like...

say how long she'd be?

Hey, gimme a zit check.

Breath check.

Hair check.

Perfect.

LILY: Who let in the riffraff?

Mom!

Hi, Lola! I missed you!

Princess Zoe!

Look how big you've gotten!

I guess two years will do that.

Hi, Mom. Nice to see you too.

Why don't we get you a mint?

[exhales]

Oh, hey!

So, have you heard any feedback on the Seedless ad?

Uh, no, not yet. But I have a call with Ram,

I mean, you know, Fronterra, later this afternoon, so...

Pretty big risk, guiding Denise off script like that.

I know I could never...

KATE: Anything else, Rosie? ROSIE: Actually, yes.

Our 11 am is in the boardroom. New client!

This is news to me.

Do we not have a shared calendar for this exact reason?

That's correct, we do not.

It wouldn't have helped us anyway; they just showed up.

I didn't think I could say no.

Why not?

♪

No, absolutely not!

Whatever you two are pitching, I'm already out.

Rosie, what were you thinking?

Forrest and Juniper are not clients.

They're clown people!

ROSIE: Well, he's Richard's son! I didn't know what to do!

Watch this. No!

FORREST: Kate, baby. Please.

How do you two even know each other?

You introduced us.

Pretty sure in, like, this room.

You're like our mom!

Our hot mom.

Thank you, Juniper.

JUNIPER: We just need, like, five of your minutes.

It would mean so much to us.

You have four left.

Prepare to get your minds blown.

What the fuck is that?

JUNIPER: "Just Head!" FORREST: It's "Just Head!"

The ultimate in female satisfaction.

You mean...

FORREST: It makes you cum! JUNIPER: Relentlessly.

Okay, I can't believe I have a follow-up question,

but why is it a zombie?

JUNIPER: I stole it from work.

I work at a year-round haunted house.

That tracks.

And although there are many ghouls,

it gets very lonely.

So I got creative.

You sure did.

FORREST: That's where I come in.

There's a head, but the head is dead.

So how do you make the tongue move?

[rattling noise]

Motor tongue!

Motor tongue.

[rattling continues]

KATE: Is it getting closer to us?

ROSIE: Yeah.

Keep in mind this is an early prototype.

We're not venture capitalists, you know that.

We need your help creating buzz to attract investors.

Yes, because if the people talk,

the money talks.

That does make sense, actually.

No, mm-mm.

I'm sure that you have a lot of questions.

Not one.

Like, can you put your dong in--

No questions.

Yes!

Yes.

RICHARD: Hey! KATE: Oh, God.

RICHARD: I knew it.

I told you not to force Forrest.

I want you to go home, I want you to take that obscene

sex rig with you. Go on.

Dad, we're not done.

I don't care.

You want me to sit in on that Fronterra call later?

Uh, no. It, uh...

It's just, you know, Ram and I, and we got it, so...

RICHARD: Mm-hm? KATE: Yeah.

[sighs] Thank God.

Where were we?

KATE: Rosie, wrap this shit up.

It can't possibly make you cum like they say, right?

I don't care if it makes you levitate!

Shut it down.

I mean, there'd have to be, like, multiple speeds...

Write that down.

♪

I like what you've done with the place.

You win the Super Bowl or something?

[chuckles]

That ring was a gift,

for 30 years of service at my company.

That's what they do, you know.

Reward you for putting in hard work.

Mm, cool. Congrats.

I don't know what it is about you.

It's like you're allergic to making me proud.

Okay, let's get this over with.

I need your help with money.

It's not for me, it's for Zoe.

I will pay you back.

Mostly.

Why?

I've already set you up.

I gave you every opportunity and you fumbled it.

You have no idea the shit I had to put up with.

I have been through a lot too, okay?

You have it easy.

I was the only woman on the board,

let alone-- JENNY: Totally, Mom.

Poor you!

Here we go again, can't wait to hear about

being a business woman in the booming '80s.

I don't remember you complaining

when you had ponies at your birthday parties, Jennifer.

[Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" playing in background]

You like brisket?

What?

We just got a smoker.

You might as well stay for lunch.

♪

♪

Hey, have you ever laid on an airport tarmac

and screamed while planes flew fly by overhead?

Not loving the sound of that.

I went with the new patient.

He just...

gets it, you know?

That rush I've been chasing.

Uh-oh... Is this spider 2.0?

I dunno!

There's something exciting about this kid.

Kind of sexy, even.

You just said "sexy" and "kid" in the same breath.

ANNE: I mean like the situation is sexy!

And besides, he's 18. Eighteen's not that bad, right?

That's a pervert's motto, my friend!

No, it's... it's like an emotional thing!

Oh, okay, you're having an emotional affair...

with a teenage boy.

[phone buzzes] ANNE: No...

[snorts]

I thought only I made you snort-laugh like that!

Who are you texting?

Oh, it's no one. Ram.

I mean, Fronterra.

Just a new client. It's a boring client.

Yeah, you're grinning, but you're saying "boring."

I should say "exciting" client.

They're actually launching the first male birth control pill.

Nathan's trying it, to mixed results.

[phone buzzes]

Does he know about the man behind the birth control pill

who's making his wife snort-laugh?

Well, no, but, you know...

he doesn't know the name of all my clients.

Hmm.

It hasn't come up! If it did, I would tell him.

I would just tell him.

Okay.

How did this become about me?

Does Lionel know about your jailbait crush?

Shut up, no. I know, okay?

I'm-- I'll stop.

Stop being his therapist?

No...?

I'll stop the field trips. No more funny business.

You too, with this Ram guy.

Yeah, of course. No funny business.

BOTH: No funny business.

Fuck this, I'm gettin' a scone.

Yeah, what constitutes "funny business"?

This question.

LILY: You should eat up.

Who knows where your next meal is coming from?

[coughs]

LILY: You need water. Barb!

JENNY: No, it's okay. I got it.

Let Barb do her job.

You focus on getting your own job, Jennifer.

You know what?

I have to use the bathroom.

♪

[exhales shakily]

♪

♪

♪

Oh, Jenny.

What? Oh, no-- I was--

You keep finding new ways to disappoint me,

I'll give you that.

Whatever.

I'm disappointing, okay?

I've always been disappointing.

I'll always be disappointing.

I guess I'm just one big fat disappointing loser!

C'mon, Zo! Let's go home!

LILY: Go on.

See you next time you need something!

[phone buzzes] KATE: Oh!

[Cockney accent] What's the good word, guvnah?

RAM: Hi, this is Ram Javeri of Fronterra Pharmaceuticals.

Uh, uh...

Uh, yes, Ram. How are you?

[Cockney accent] I'm bloody fuckin' wif' ya!

Pip-pip! KATE: [laughs]

[Cockney accent] Right-o!

The Beatles music...

Uh, Here Comes the Sun.

Anyway, uh, talk to me. How did we do?

RAM: Oh, we did very good.

The commercial's tracking great.

And judging by the sales uptick...

it was a huge success.

Yes!

RAM: I think you might be brilliant.

Oh, come on! Just doin' my job.

RAM: Yeah, let's just hope that the fame doesn't go

to Denise's head, right? KATE: Yeah, no kidding.

I just had the best head of my life!

I'm gonna have to call you back.

This is a place of business, Rosie.

What the fuck?

This is gonna sound a little nuts,

but I took the Head on the teensiest spin at lunch.

Forget levitating.

It'll make you soar!

How?!

Well, the seats recline pretty far back, so--

No, I mean, how did you get yourself to--

Look at it!

The key is to cement your eyes shut

and let the demon do what he was designed to do.

I mean, women have done stranger things to get off.

Have they?

I think if you tried it, you'd realize

it's worth considering.

This thing could fill a real gap in the sex toy market.

If you love it so much, you run with it, okay?

Just leave me out of it.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry, I bleached the shit out of it.

Fully sanitized.

Are you insane?

ROSIE: Trust me, gives a whole new meaning

to the "Monster Mash."

♪

♪

Alright, Doc, where we goin' today?

Y'know, I've been eyeing this old--

You know, why don't we put a pin in the field trips,

and just... try talking?

Ooh, all business today, I see.

Yep, all business.

No funny business. No other kinds of...

all businesses that there are.

Why don't you tell me about your parents?

I dunno.

There's...

not much to say.

Um, what about your goals?

Your future?

Oh, come on. I don't wanna talk about that.

What do you want to talk about?

Oh, these days?

My girl, mostly.

How about school? How-- what do you--

Yeah, she's just like, all I can think about.

Guess we're talking about her, okay.

SEAMUS: It's the waiting.

You know, it's killing me, but it is so hot.

You know, like that...

like that rush of desire?

Mm-hm, yeah.

Um...

Do you wanna...

tell me more about that?

SEAMUS: You know how it is when you're with someone new

and you just...

you just want them, like, so bad?

Mm-hm.

I mean, yeah, I remember that feeling, sure.

SEAMUS: Her hair just smells so fucking good.

And her lips...

God, her lips drive me crazy.

I just want to taste every part of her.

♪

What a waste of fucking time!

So stupid.

ZOE: Mama?

Look.

Did-- did you take that from Lola?

Mm-hm!

Do you have any idea how valuable this is?

Maybe we should go find out.

♪

♪

[upbeat music playing on radio]

So...

about this morning...

NATHAN JR: No, thank you.

I just-- I think you jumped into this whole

open relationship thing awfully quick,

and it's a big step.

Good luck.

Why-- why isn't it working?

I turned on the "teen driver."

There's too many things to pay attention to, okay?

You cannot be trusted with loud music right now.

So I guess we'll just talk about your sex life, huh?

Yay.

Come on!

I'm just trying to make sure you're as open as Julian is.

Like...

is he wide open and you're just ajar?

Is it more of a saloon door situation

where you're open today and then you swing shut tomorrow?

Like, are you guys equally as open?

Okay, I don't think you get it.

We're not some basic old sexually repressed

straight couple like you.

Wha-- Excuse me!

First of all, I'm very young.

NATHAN JR: Let me put it this way, then.

Maybe this isn't about my sex life.

Maybe you're just jealous because I have one,

and you and Dad don't!

What?

NATHAN JR: Let's just get home already.

[car beeps]

Why is it yelling at me now?

Because we don't like it when you drive that fast.

Who is "we"?

Oh, just this sick ride

and your sexually repressed stepmom!

[quietly] Unbelievable.

GUY (TV): I do this smooth move, like down and up,

and down and up.

She loves it!

I can tell she was giving me the eyes--

NATHAN JR: Hey, Dad. NATHAN: Oh!

Hey, bud.

How's it go--

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.

Whatcha watching?

Oh, uh, it's...

it's "The Best Lay."

Twenty hot singles live on a tropical island

and test-drive each other's bodies

till they find their ultimate sex mate.

How do you win?

How do you lose?

Okay, horndog, I see the appeal!

Okay... watch this. This is the best part.

Oh, okay. [TV clicks on]

NATHAN: When contestants vote each other into a Fuck Hut.

KATE: Shit. NATHAN: [chuckles]

KATE: Imagine we got voted into a Fuck Hut.

[chuckles] What would we do?

NATHAN: Hm...

Mm.

[clears throat]

[music playing on TV]

Fuckin' hell, Nathan, are we sexually repressed?

What? No, of course not.

No, no.

I've just got a killer headache

and I'm still not feeling totally myself.

I'm sorry I'm still not in the mood.

[phone buzzes]

KATE: Like... [sighs]

Look, I understand, right, and I love you,

but the thing about birth control is you just suck it up

and pretend you're not experiencing the symptoms.

That's the deal!

[snort laughs]

NATHAN: Who's textin' ya?

Huh? Oh, um, just, uh...

Anne.

NATHAN: Oh yeah, how was your lunch?

Good.

[sound effects playing on TV]

Wanna watch the rest of this with me?

Uh, you know, I think I'm gonna...

head upstairs, but keep me posted on this whole, uh,

Fuck Hut thing. NATHAN: Alright.

KATE: Love you! NATHAN: It's your loss!

[Bobby Pickett's "Monster Mash" playing]

♪ I was working in the lab, late one night ♪

♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪

♪ For my monster from his slab, began to rise ♪

♪ And suddenly to my surprise... ♪

Who in the right mind would ever...

Ever... [rattling starts]

♪ (The monster mash)

♪ It was a graveyard smash

♪ (He did the mash)

Oh! [chuckles]

♪ It caught on in a flash (He did the mash) ♪

♪ He did the monster mash

♪ From my laboratory in the castle east ♪

How does this work? Okay.

♪ To the master bedroom where the vampires feast ♪

Whoa...

Oh, that's a monster.

Oh, God...

[rattling continues]

Oh, fuck...

Whoa!

♪ It was a graveyard smash! ♪(They did the mash)

♪ It caught on in a flash! (They did the mash) ♪

♪ They did the monster mash!

Ah...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

♪ The party had just begun (Tennis shoe, wahoo) ♪

♪ The guests included Wolfman... ♪

Hey honey, do we have any chocolate pudding?

Okay, this is a whole thing.

This is a whole thing when you look at you.

Oh, yeah?

That's kind of part of it, that's part of it.

Holy shit, that's part of it.

♪ With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five" ♪

The chia seed kind isn't cutting it!

I'm craving the sugary stuff!

Oh, you creep!

Oh, you fuckin' psycho!

The good chocolate butterscotch swirl ones!

Why did we stop buying those, anyways?

We can afford it.

I don't need the jumbo size, a mini cup would do.

And I'd even get the powdery stuff.

[breathing heavily]

You know, the one you put in the bowl

and you mix it with the water?

Kate?

Are you hearing any of this?

[screams]

What the fuck?!

Ocupado!

NATHAN: Jesus! KATE: Ah, God, I'm sorry!

God, what the hell is that?

Oh my God, how do you turn it off?!

Turn it off, Kate!

Is it in the ears?!

Oh, no!

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!

This has gone too far!

I am never gonna un-see this!

Why are you looking at me? Look anywhere but me!

Just stop. Turn it off.

Why are you still here?!

NATHAN: Make it stop. NATHAN JR: Turn it off!

Fuck you guys! Fuck you guys!

Fuck you guys! Fuck you guys!

I just wanted to feel nice!

♪ (The monster mash)

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