Original subtitles

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Awop-boppa-loo-bop awop-bam-boom

I got a girl, named Sue She knows just what to do

I got a girl, named Sue

She knows just what to do

She rock to the East She rock to the West

She's the gal that I love best

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi - oooh!

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Awop-boppa-loo-bop awop-bam-boom.

DENNIS: First Jazza, now Glenna.

It's certainly not how I'd like to go.

What do you suppose she done it for?

Now you're askin'.

Unless she wanted her name in the papers. People do weird things.

Look at the boy who smashed his feet with a sledgehammer,

then tried to reach a phone to ring the Samaritans.

Dennis. ..Yeah?

Shut up, eh?

You know there wasn't a wean after all, don't you?

I said... You finally managed to put two and two together?

No, I mean there never WAS a wean. She never lost it, cos there wasn't one to lose. Of COURSE there was.

She lost the wean, ergo the plunge into the murky deeps. Phantom pregnancy.

I really must visit the House of Hearing... That time the motor went off the highway.

They took her in for observation.

You're putting us on. Check it with O'Donnell. He'll tell you.

So, what did she go and...? Och, that's what I'm saying.

Maybe it's because you lot took against her, I don't know.

You DON'T know, so quit speculating. I feel quite bad enough as it is.

If you're feeling bad, how d'you think the boy's feeling?

I mean, isolated, empty... bereft.

Not about the Munchkin. It's not my fault she chucked herself in the drink. No? No.

You ever come across something cried "collective culpability", Danny Boy?

I'm goin' to pretend I never heard that. "Collective culpability"?!

Next you'll be wearing plywood sandals and a CND sticker!

You cannae even spell it, ya dooley!

All I know is, it's got us up here. Oh? Never happened for Big Jazza.

Nobody drove him to his death.

If I didn't know you were a cretin, I'd suspect a sick gag in there!

How come you feel this for a doll you didn't know?

I did so know her. What was her second name? Eh?!

You DON'T know. None of us did.

Not even Fud knew. McFadden. Sorry?

Her second name was McFadden.

You right, Vinnie?

Glenna McFadden.

So her second name was McFadden. What does that prove?

Nup, you've lost us there.

Let's hit the road, eh?

BOMBA: There was always something spooky about that doll.

You knew she'd end up doing something funny.

She certainly done that all right. Revenge, innit?

This is how she gets her own back on us. I'm no' getting caught that way. Oh, no.

When did Eddie say this meeting was at?

Janice? Noreen will be quite happy now.

What did you say?

I said, Noreen will be happy now. You say that outside here and you're in BIG trouble.

How can you say stuff like that? How can you?

All I'm saying... Noreen happens to be dead choked, same as you and I.

I seen her last night. I'm telling you, she's devastated. ..Janice!

Devastated? Aye, devastated.

JANICE! Are you sure?

All right, maybe no' devastated, but most definitely upset.

I cannae mind when I last saw her that upset.

Which one of these is internal? Hello!

The only other time I saw her that moved was when Vincent and her got mugged on the boat train,

and lost all their travel documents and a big load of drachmas.

..Janice, are you there?

I see the drachma's fell again.

HE LAUGHS

You don't suppose that was what made Vinnie's bird top herself?

OK, OK, strike that last remark.

What do you want me to dae? Light a bloody candle for her?

She was a disruptive influence, a piranha.

She brought a lot of heartache into this outfit.

What have I always told you about chick singers?

If you want to know the truth...

..I'm not in the least upset she snuffed it. I'm glad.

Did you hear what I said?

I said I'm GLAD she's dead!

BABY CRYING

Is it OK if I have one of their rusks?

Let's do a deal.

You two quit bawling and I'll quit sticking pins in your rompers.

Good grief. There's two greeting-faced gets upstairs.

You're late for your emergency meeting. All right, can it! That's hellish.

Can you not suckle them, Janice?

Trust you to suggest something like that! It was only a thought.

Ohhh!

Did you manage to get in touch with you-know-who?

Yeah. You-know-who's moved out of you-know-who's flat

and is staying with you-know-who's friends,

on account of some incident when you-know-who got bopped

on the you-know-what by who-cares?

I got you a table for two at that dump where I got food poisoning.

Shut up! Thanks.

I've booked it under "Kettles". Sshhh!

D'you suppose he'll be all right in that house on his tod?

I'm not sure we should have left him.

It's no' going to occur to somebody like Vincent to do anything stupid, if that's what you're worried about.

Is that what you're worried about? No, I just noticed he'd ran out of sugar.

What's up with you now? And don't say it's nothing - your face has been tripping you all week.

Is she no' coming to the Big Show? Who, my maw? Not unless I can get an exhumation order. Kettles.

Have you and her chucked the winchin'? Yes.

I've never felt so low in my entire life.

Not even when my maw dropped deid at the kitchen table and never finished buttering my playpieces.

What am I pouring my heart out to you for?

All you know about love you could print in capital letters on Neil Young's forehead,

and still leave room for a Lieber and Stoller song catalogue.

We've all had our hearts broken.

Have a gander at that. What do you think that is?

A dod of junk you retrieved from Engelbert's trash can? No.

Look inside. Have a close squint.

There's what appears, at first glance, to be a cockroach's leg.

It's an eyelash. The eyelash of a cockroach.

Concepta Boyle. Five feet nothin' and a face like the Virgin Mary.

I've been carrying that about wi' us for the past 12 year. Crazy, innit?

No. No, you should collect a few more,

and have it woven into a hairshirt. I'm a 59 chest.

Have you ever sent flowers to a doll? No!

You expect a thank-you note at least.

Here, we better stop off and get a wreath for the Munchkin.

Late in the day for that. Like sending a "Sorry I boobed about your birthday" number.

What the boy needs is to be taken out of himself. Shut up and do it.

Told you it was on your conscience Shut up. It's not on my conscience. I just feel for the guy. Shut up.

Here. What's that for? It's on my conscience, an' all.

BOMBA: What?! You brung us here to suggest what?!

Calm down, calm down. It's a perfectly legitimate alternative in the circumstances.

The chap just isnae up to it. Well, is he?

You know what you are...? PHONE RINGS

What is it? I'm in a meeting. You go along with this, and your entire family will suffer!

..Good. And how are the toddlers behaving?

HOWLING Oh, dear.

No more outings to Socialist Labour Camps, or Sunsoar Holidays to the Eastern Bloc!

That's the Souvenir Records arrived.

Bomba... You are an evil, conniving bastard, Eddie.

OK, I've NEVER liked the guy. I hate his ugly kisser.

But for you to ask us to bump him after 25 years, and replace him with this, this... chick.

God Almighty, Eddie, he's got over a hundred stitches... No, no, no!

You've got a hold of the wrong end of the stick. I'm not talking about Vincent, but about Danny Boy.

Danny Boy? You surely didn't think I was asking you and Francis to...

..Ohhh, for heaven's sake!

Oh!

You're not buying that? Just run it up the flagpole. We have.

It isn't even at half mast.

Shut up! I'm thinking.

I haven't even broached it with the lassie, yet. She could... Hello?

I'd like a word with Miss Fisher.

It's urgent. Tell him where to stuff it.

(I realise it's a momentous decision,

(but unless you're prepared to see the Majestics go down the lavvy pan tomorrow...) Hello?

Sheena? ..How kind! Eddie here.

..No, Eddie Clockerty.

I think we should get together to decide the disclaimer's wording at the end of the programme.

Stop lookin' at us. How about a chinwag over a shish kebab?

STOP lookin' at us, I said! No, shish kebab, Sheena.

No, no, no, it's very nice.

I'm touched.

Dennis thought we should have left the Robin Redbreast, but I wasn't sure.

Not that there's anything intrinsically up with robins. She was fond of robins.

I thought she might be.

Here...

Thanks. I kept it handy just in case.

Ohhh, GOD!

Best to let it out, pal.

That's just it, I cannae.

It's like a dam's built up in my chest. Aye, it was the same for me when Big Jazza went.

Like a dam...

You think it's never going to burst but it does.

Buckie, that's where mine burst. Took us totally by surprise.

I had this one took at Lossiemouth.

It's like what Sinatra had to go through in

The Man With The Golden Arm.

Guy in our street had trunks identical to them.

Thanks.

One minute I'm at the ironing board squeezing the last drop of paste out the tube,

the next I'm on the deck, biting the sole off my shoe.

So many questions unanswered. So many things I wanted to ask her.

Only, it wasn't the big H I was kicking, it was the Big Bree.

Not Junk, but Jazza.

Right?

Taiwan?

There you go, that's one puzzle solved.

Yeah... Right.

I'll just stretch out on the carpet, by the way. I'm quite happy.

Carpet? Aye, after the sound check.

That's if you're coming back here, which I presume you'll want to.

Was Fud tellin' you what she did? Who, Glenna?

Don't tell us she made up a bed for me. Noreen.

Burnt all my clobber.

Nine pairs of gaberdine hockey troosers, five windcheaters, two Crombie overcoats,

a fair-isle turtleneck, which I got fae one of the Coasters, and shirts...

God alone knows how many shirts she must've torched. All of them from "Esquires". Some blaze!

You don't go out of your way to fall head-over-heels for some doll. It just happens.

Aye, right. One day, you're a perfectly ordinary Joe,

you bump into a doll, and suddenly you're a basket case.

Cannae eat, cannae sleep.

All you want to do is look at them, touch them and...

God, I know exactly what you mean, Vinnie.

What did you say?

You're a perfectly ord... No, you called us Vinnie.

Well? That's the first time you've used my name.

It's no' a Miracle at Lourdes... Don't you see, Danny?

Ha! What? You've got the smit! That's the first time you've called me Danny without adding "Boy".

It isnae, is it? It is, aye.

Excuse me.

Where're you going? The toilet. It's bad for my image.

What about MY image? You haven't got an image, Diver. Aye, I have.

What d'you mean I haven't got an image? "The Iron Man of Scottish Rock".

The what? That's what they cry me, "The Iron Man of Scottish..."

"The Iron Man of..."

"The Iron..."

Aw, GOD!

God! GOD...

What's McGlone goin' to do to you when he learns he's gettin' bumped?

This documentary's going out tomorrow. What else could I do?

What'll I do with the ones that haven't any grooves on them?

You don't think this is too roary?

I'll put them beside the ones that haven't any holes in the middle.

Are those the same two infants?

There's something up with every one of these.

You didn't feed them alcohol?

You have! I can smell it.

It was that or stuff their nappies down their throats.

I hope you realise this joint will be jam-packed tomorrow.

The Majestics playing at home!

I've still got the smell of her hair in my nostrils.

Here.

Why did she go and kill herself? I wonder what I should wear.

There must have been SOME reason.

All she had to do was talk to us.

I don't think the chocolate two-piece

is the outfit for the occasion.

Why?

Because it's going to make me look like a big jobbie when the lights come up. Eh?

I think I'll open the set in the Shantung Number and slip into the Silverfoil Suit later.

What d'you think? I'm thinking about Glenna.

Look, you're goin' to have stop this and pull yourself together.

What's done is done. All the thinking in the world isn't goin' to bring her back.

Have another snort - your last. I don't think I can face it, Danny.

Gie us it and I'll pour it down the cludgy. The Pavilion.

..I don't think I'm up to it.

What's this garbage we're gettin'?

"Iron Man of Scottish Rock" not up to it? What're you giving us?

I'm 48 next birthday, that's what I'm giving you.

I thought you were only 44. I'm shagged out sitting hunkered up in a Transit van,

kidding on I'm lovin' every minute of it.

I'm fed up playing the same old riffs to the same old riff-raff.

You're just feelin' a bit low. I've had my skull split open,

my entire wardrobe destroyed, not to mention my marriage.

Our hit was in 19-forget-about-it, and THAT was a fix, so there's no chance of another yin.

I'm lumbered with two houses to pay for,

no offspring that I know about,

except for a big lassie wi' specs, "The Butcher Quine o' Buckie", who knifed me in the vitals as a hello!

Aye, that was unfortunate.

Aye, and I've only went and lost the one person in the world

that I ever cared two cents for.

Oh, God!

Just to put the tin lid on it, this tea's bloody freezing!

I'll top you up. Get to buggery!

Listen, Vinnie! Listen nothin'! I'm FED UP listenin'.

Whoever listened to HER, eh?

Aye, go easy on that sauce, Vinnie. DON'T "Vinnie" ME, McGlone.

Who invited you to come strolling in here in your manky footwear...?

Oh, God, look at this!

What? ..And THIS!

Christ, there's another one over there!

I'm sorry. YOU're sorry?!

YOU're...?!

It's too bloody late to be sorry now, isn't it?!

SMASH!

Who's going to give us a row for doin' that to the good carpet?

She's not here now, is she?

Well, is she?

WELL, is SHE?!

Awwww!

Ohhhh!

Ohhhh, Jesus!

The only reason I came was to see Danny.

What do you mean, he couldn't face me?

Neither young woman is pressing charges you'll be glad to hear.

Pass those vine leaves, would you? Pardon?

Those roly-poly things that look like green beef olives.

Thanks. Pressing charges?

It was that Sunday we done the Souvenir Records.

Miss Toner was in a dreadful state, apparently.

She's quite unused to sexual overtures coming out the blue.

And as for Sheena Fisher, well...!

We'll have another flask of your house white, Maurice. Grazie tanto.

Before the cock crows thrice, aye?

I hope Vinnie appreciates what you're doin' for him. I never done it for Vinnie's benefit. Shut up!

What did you dae it for? I get it, you fell for the bird, is that it?

Shut it. I don't blame you, Judas...

I mean, Bomba. She's not bad-looking.

Wants to get her nose fixed, and put on a couple of pounds...

Button it! You don't tell me to do anythin' any more!

What did you do with your 30 pieces of silver? I done it for the good of the band.

Get that off, it's stupid-looking.

You'll notice it doesnae have a big yellow streak down the back of it, like some people's?

I had to drop Danny Boy off at the bereaved villa. There you are.

Oh, that's nice, Francis. Where the hell have you been?

I had to drop off Danny Boy at Rancho-Suicide-o. Is this the Souvenir Album?

Do you want to grab Wanda, and I'll get the wee fellow?

I'll be sitting outside in the wagon. See you, Dennis.

D'you want to give me a hand, Janice? Are you there, Janice?

D'you want to grab her and I'll get the wee fellow? Aye, stick her behind my ear(!)

I won't forget this, O'Donnell!

Thanks very much, you guys.

That's ALL I need!

Have that pink stuff. It's good for you.

If that was a serious offer, you're on.

When do you want me to start?

You've got time for a sweet, the sound check's not till four.

Are you there, Maurice?

We'll have a couple of your Macedonian Fruit Amphoras, please.

And a large Ouzo.

Would you like some custard with your Amphora, perhaps?

ALL HUMMING: "Only The Lonely"

Only the lonely

Dum, dum, dum, dummy-doo-wah

Wo-wo-wo-yeah-yeah

Oh-wo-wo-ohho-wo-oh

Only the lonely

Only the lonely

Only the l-onely Dum-dum-dum-dummy-doo-wah.

I mind when our Aileen went.

My maw's still never got over it.

D'you mind our Aileen?

I was one of the pall-bearers, remember?

(Aye, so you were.)

Right, I'd better get these albums round the shops.

Does anybody want anythin' while I'm away, no? ..Aye, good.

We've got a sound check at four, don't forget!

Ho, Dennis! >

Can I get you a cup of tea or something, Vinnie?

There's something I want to tell you.

KNOCK AT WINDOW

That's Eddie arrived in a taxi. Thought I'd better warn you.

DANNY BOY: Better late than never!

Em...I'll be next door feeding the guppies, you guys.

What guppies? That's Eddie arrived to pass on his condolences, Vinnie.

EDDIE: Where is he? Through here?

I'll leave yous to it.

Vincent, Vincent. If I don't see you again, all the best.

A young life... What can I say? I'll be with Bomba feeding the guppies.

See when I said those trunks were identical...

What did you say, O'Donnell?

Vincent, Vincent, Vincent. Out my road, you bastard!

A young life, what can I say?

Eddie?

What are you doin' here? Come and sit down, old son.

A young life, tch, tch, tch.

You weren't meant to get him smashed out his skull!

Where's that dozy bitch with the drink? Mind you don't sit on your crutch, old son.

You could take your hat off.

Ohhh, Christ.

I've just remembered.

Ohhh.

Well, say something.

When did you get the guppies, Vinnie?

What are YOU looking at?

Anything's better than trudging round galleries with a bundle of stupid paintings nobody wants.

Right?

What do you want me to do? Go back to waitressing? It's NOT a sell-out.

Shut UP!

That's a great help, telling us that now.

When that guy took them out their sleeves...! Talk about embarrassment!

Have you told him? I have to try off-loading them before I find they are faulty. Why're you dunting us?

Tell him soon. It's the height of bad manners, MacAteer, to whisper into a manager's camel coat.

If it's somethin' worth sayin', we want to hear it. I wouldn't guarantee it.

It'll be to do with they duff albums. Whoever's dunting us, chuck it!

You want me to elbow the Chubby Checker number, right?

How'll Vinnie get to the sound check? Or the handspring off the piano?

I'm not going all the way to that dump to pick him up.

Let's get it straight. I've got it. I've twigged.

It's the Gene Autry impersonation followed by the duck walk, is that it?

Somebody phone the bugger, tell him to get the bus!

Consider them both cut. I'm not hurt, honest.

Somebody'd better tell Vinnie to get the bus in.

You're out, Danny Boy. What?

What did he say?!

You're being replaced. Tell him, Eddie.

Funny(!) I never knew!

We had a meeting. I was out-voted. Tell him, Bomba.

Haud on, what is all this?

EDDIE: You lay one finger on me and we'll both regret it, McGlone.

My adviser's examined the small print on your contract. What small print?

Bomba! See you inside, Eddie.

What small print? Aah!

Once this door's closed the wagon's soundproof.

DOOR SLAMS

BANGING AND MUFFLED CRIES

DOOR OPENS

↑ I hope that isn't you, McGlone.

Your bottom string wants cranking up a semi-tone. Don't get big ideas.

You'll be using the same shaving water as the rest of the band.

Oi! Where are you going?!

All that tea we had at Vinnie's. Hurry up.

I'm no' going up there with her by myself.

I'd just like to say what an honour and privilege it is

to be the first genetically unsound person to be invited to join the fabulous... Hmmph.

Pardon me. The fabulous Majestics.

Thank you.

Oh, and I'm sure you'll all be as thrilled as I am

to know I'll be having these off,

and a little something extra grafted on downstairs. Any donors?

Very funny(!) It's got nothing to do with you being a bird. I married one.

I suppose your mother was nearly one as well? Don't you...

Oh, so that's who he got? Hi, sweetheart!

I thought you promised Christine you wouldn't have any more to do with birds. Don't start!

Get a move on in there, O'Donnell.

Can you not get your trouser leg rolled up high enough?

Shouldn't you be battering the drums?

It's a sound check. What's keeping you?

What's Danny Boy saying to this arrangement?

SUZI: I must ask him sometime.

DANNY BOY: Fink! Scummy rat-fink! That's what Danny Boy's saying to it. Get off that stage!

You two-timing scummy rat-fink!

ME?! I'M a two-timing rat-fink?!

What about YOU? Where are you? Where I should be.

On stage for the Majestics' sound check. Get back to your knitting!

Huh! The mask slips, McGlone. You're the same as the rest of them.

Ho! Don't you go near her.

For low-down tricks that gets the Oscar.

Give me that guitar! Hang off, you big slob! HELP!

This way! Hey, watch my jacket!

D'you hear me? Traitor!

I'll shove two fingers up his nostrils and force his napper back. You bang him with your Rickenbacker!

Aah! Bugger off!

We all know what you're after! No chick singers, hah-hah(!)

Don't you dare say stuff like that! He's even more repulsive than you!

Give me that guitar! Aah, my nail! Stand at peace!

McGlone's only standing in for Vincent on this sound check!

Where ARE you, Dennis?

After all my effort to change that psychopath's bridgework!

I cannae find his nostrils. Just hit him!

If it had been anybody else but her I wouldnae have minded.

I hate you! Anybody but who?

What are you raving on about, you brainless beanpole?

Stop horsing around up there!

I'm forking out money for this hall! Dennis...? Aah!

You were spotted at the Holiday Inn. Do you think I'm daft?!

Hit him, ya mug. Hit him!

Hit him? D'you mean HIT him?

She didn't even get O level Geography, ya nitwit!

We're no' talking about Sheena Fisher?

That's right - laugh! How could you do that to me?

Who gave you this garbage? Me and Sheena Fisher?

I DID stress it was only hearsay.

What? Where are you, Dennis?!

Would I get up to something

just after you got a tankin' from that dentist?

Ya nutter! I don't want to be in this band now.

Aah! My wrist!

All right, DON'T gloat.

I should never have listened to him.

Ugh! Help me up.

FUD: Now look what you've done.

Shut up! This is your fault.

One of your strings is away there.

Did you mention someone's bridgework?

Aye. Did you not get my note? What note?

So you won't have had my gardenias? Oh, so that's what they were.

WHAT gardenias? Shhh!

It was dumb, I know.

It was the song, The Girl That I Marry, you know.

It was dumb. OK? Yeah...

But it was nice.

Come here.

Somebody give us a level!

EDDIE: Oh, THERE you are!

A-a-a-a-ah!

Take it down a decibel or two.

Don't YOU ever tell ME to get back to my knitting ever again, McGlone.

DENNIS: This place will be empty tomorrow.

The box office woman's convinced the Majestics perished in '59.

Ya-aah!

< Aaaoow! Oh-yah!

Oh, Christ!

If only that was true, Dennis, son.

If ONLY that was true.

Is that you?

Noreen?

Well, Friday night's your traditional bath night, innit?

You could always open with Splish Splash.

I said... I heard you.

DANNY SIGHS DEEPLY

I hesitate to enquire, Kettles...

But, eh...

How was it for you?

What, the sound check? NOT the sound check. Try again.

Oh, you mean THAT? Oh, sorry.

It was OK, I suppose.

Listen, about the opening number... OK?!

OK?

Yeah... It was OK.

Did you not expect it to be OK?

I expected it to be a lot better than OK. It certainly was for me.

In fact, I thought it was pretty wonderful.

Go on, admit it.

You make it sound like a break-in. "Go on, admit it!"

We're discussing the Majestics' opening number. Remember?

We want something to GRAB them by the scruff of the neck.

Something that's... well, off-the-wall. Right?

How about Portrait Of My Love?

That's certainly "off-the-wall".

I'm out of practice, amn't I?

Because of always being thwarted. It'll not always be a disaster.

Did I SAY it was a disaster?

You didn't have to SAY it.

"My Three Minutes of Rapture with McGlone - The Thrill of A Lifetime, I Don't Think."

What is it wi' dolls?

Three minutes is better than a lot of guys with a bad back can manage!

And it was AT LEAST five.

I can see the clock from my side.

Is that you finished?

That's TWICE you've said that.

I mean, is that you finished going on about it? I'm not going on about it.

I thought it was wonderful.

It WAS wonderful.

You're just saying that. I'm not.

It was wonderful.

It was wonderful, Danny.

Danny?

You're not just saying that, eh?

Don't lie to me, Suzi.

All right...

It was OK.

Right. That's it.

Where's my underpants?

My mind was on other things.

Precisely what a chap wants to hear(!) Like what? Like tomorrow.

And beyond.

Beyond? After tomorrow night there may not be a "beyond".

Certainly not for Yours Truly - I've been replaced. Remember?

You haven't. Don't be stupid.

Anyway, Vincent won't make this gig if what you lot told me is true.

That's very reassuring, that is.

First, I step into the Beast's bootees, now into Diver's. Thanks very much(!)

LAUGHING: Oh, for God's sake! Don't touch me.

I don't want to be touched.

Leave me, I said. I'm NOT touching you. Aye, you are.

And while we're at it...

How come you didnae trust me?

Because you suggest junk songs like Splish, Splash, that's why.

The Happy Event, Kettles...

What's that? A Bobby Darren classic?

If I wasnae worn out from my recent exertions, I'd smack you.

I'm referring to the Little Dentist in there.

You what?

You don't suppose I haven't made a complete inventory of your medical chest?

I noticed an additional item of pharmaceutical paraphernalia,

to wit, one home pregnancy testing outfit. Give me that!

When did this happen? Must have been recently.

Wasnae when he came round to punch you, was it?

It was...

..before that.

Oh, yeah? Had his conjugal visits organised, did he?

What did he give you - gas? I came on the road with YOU.

To avoid those visits, you big lunk!

Well, not to worry, Kettles.

Now that we've slept together... 40 winks, McGlone.

Slept together...

..I can kid myself it's mine when it comes along.

What d'you fancy? A boy or one of them other things?

What did you say?

I know, it's morally reprehensible,

not to mention mildly medieval, but that's the kind of guy I am.

Every wean's entitled to a Mammy AND a Daddy.

What is that?

A psychiatric condition?

A phobia, or what?

I'm perfectly capable of looking after my own child!

Tell that to the Majestics(!)

'Course you arenae.

What about dough? Takes dough to bring up a wean.

You're still officially hitched to our pal the Dentist.

I don't see him coughing up. Or do you plan going back to work?

I can just see the notice...

"Come inside and be served in a hurry by our pregnant waitress."

I'm in a band! Aye, one night and it's "Wake Up, Little Suzi."

Eddie's only got you in there so he can scupper Sheena Fisher's TV expose.

You don't think it's because of your talent?! Eddie Clockerty!

He wouldn't recognise talent if you shoved Barbra Streisand doon the front of his trousers.

There's about 50 paintings under that bed I can sell.

There's whit? Paintings.

I can easily sell one or two.

Whew! Talk about dark horses, Kettles.

Stop lookin' at them! They're not very good, are they?

HE LAUGHS I've had offers for that stuff!

That Indian Red's straight out of a tube. Get your manky paws off!

Get out! Who d'you think you are? The future Mr Kettles? Eh?

I know the perfect honeymoon spot.

We'll wire the Funny Shoe Salesman and tell him to take a vacation.

Are you getting out of this bed, or do I create a scene?

We'll wipe the floor with New York. "Both Danny and Suzi are former members of The Majestics."

It'd look terrific in one of your gallery catalogues. AND on your headstone. Get out!

OK, OK, we'll stay in Glasgow. I'm getting quite fond of this duvet cover.

I can paint over some of YOUR paintings.

I've started the countdown.

Eight, seven... I was only talking about the really duff ones. Ow!

Stop it! Stop it!

I'll behave. Look, I'm asleep.

My eyes are shut and everything. Zzzzzz...

Get that light out.

And shift over. You're monopolising the entire mattress.

Suzi...?

What?

They are brilliant from what I could see.

For a doll, anyway. THWACK!

Maybe they're out to lunch!

It's your boyfriend that's out to lunch.

If that's "Sophisticated Records" I'll eat ma bunnet.

Nobody's askin' you. >

And he's NOT my boyfriend.

It's no use, Janice.

We'll have to write-off the album and go with the single.

How many did you say were perfect? Near-perfect, Mr Clockerty. 209.

Mind out, will you?

Out of how many? 7,024. Bloody hell!

Where to now, chief? First, to the Pavilion, then on to Carntyne Promotions in... Carntyne?

No, Bulawayo!

Oh, she's one of these variety turns, is she?

Who writes your material, hen?

Shut your mug. Is he being insolent?

I happen to be Personal Assistant to Mr Clockerty. He manages The Majestics.

Oh, aye? Are you being insolent?

The Majestics! They've just cut their Silver Jubilee album and single.

Tell him, Miss Toner. 150 sold-out gigs on tour,

an SRO Showcase at Glasgow's premier rock venue,

a major documentary on their rise to fame, and all you say is, "Oh, aye?"

We're not SRO tonight, are we?

This auld bum could buy and sell your stupid taxi!

And step on it. I want to get to this joint BEFORE they pull it down!

Gie him a tip and you get thumped.

Oh, aye...very good.

Very NOBLE. Supposin' I don't want to?

Did that ever cross your mind? I bet it never.

I cannae stomach an "understanding" woman. I don't WANT to be understood!

Understand!?

Get in this car and behave.

You're only going to end up in the gutter, ya eejit!

GET in the car. Beat it!

You'll never make the Pavilion in this state.

Get in when you're told!

I've made it to BETTER venues in a worse state than this!

Now, bugger off!

This is your last chance. Are you going to get in the car?

Right!

Well, what d'you expect?

I lost the one thing that YOU could never give us.

And before you start being "funny" -

no, I don't mean a fitted carpet.

I mean a KID. Right?

Ri-ight.

She didnae do herself in because she LOST a kid.

She did it because she FOUND one! YOU! Why don't you grow up?

There never WAS any kid.

It was a total fantasy - a figment.

She even had me believing it.

Till I thought back and remembered your sperm count.

Remembered my what?

More fool me for letting you believe it was my fault.

You've got as much chance of fathering a child

as I have of breaking the sound barrier in that car!

You're a liar!

What about that lassie who tried to murder me? Hah! You forgot her!

She couldnae have been the fruit of your loins. You don't have enough juice! Check at Yorkhill!

The lowest sperm count on record!

You're a bloody LIAR!

SURE you don't want a lift(?)

What about all that gear you torched?

Nine pairs of hockey troosers, five windcheaters,

two Crombie overcoats,

one camelhair turtleneck!

Come back here, ya lying bitch!

Nor-e-e-en!

SOFT MUZAK PLAYS

Get yourself a book and be quiet, Danny. I'm too nervous.

< Shhh.

Are you not nervous, no?

No. Shut up, McGlone.

First official outing with The Majestics at THE Pavilion.

M'mmm? Don't be stup... Hic!

..stupid.

Aye, you are so nervous. Shhh! >

I am NOT nervous.

It was that sea bass... Hic! ..Armenian style, you cooked.

Hic!

< Tut-tut-tut!

Hic! WAAAAHHHH!

< For goodness' sake!

(Don't do that.)

Hiccups vanished, right?

So they have. How d'you do that?

Just eh... Hic! God, I've got them now.

< SHHH!

Hic!

Last time I wait four and a half hours for anybody.

If a Miss Fisher should turn up,

say I had to dash off to the Pavilion.

Oh, and if she has anything to eat, give her the hummus.

(It's perfectly revolting.)

Arrivederci.

At the hop

You can rock and you can roll At the hop

When the record stops speedin' You can fix it with a chicken

Do the dance sensation sweeping the nation at the hop

Let's go to the hop

Let's go to the hop

Let's go to the hop

Let's go to the hop

Co-ome on, let's go to the hop

You can swing it, groove it, really start to move it at the hop

The jockey's smoothest The music's coolest at the hop

Guys and chicks can get their kicks at the hop

Let's go to the hop

Let's go to the hop

Let's go to the hop

Let's go to the hop Co-ome on, let's go to the hop.

BOMBA: They've sent someone from the Melody Maker to report our comeback.

We havenae been anywhere to come back fae.

Don't say that on Whistle Test.

Dennis, they've sent someone from the Melody Maker. Whit for?

Awright, where's the spoon?

What spoon?

That's £59.95, by the way. The lapels are all hand-stitched.

Where's Vincent?

The guy from the Melody Maker... Including your discount.

Whit are you looking at?

You wouldnae find out where this guy from the Melody Maker...? No!

↑ Souvenir records.

↑ Souvenir records.

SOUND CANNOT BE HEARD

You were right, Vincent. >

I WAS lying about your sperm count. >

It was only the SECOND-lowest ever recorded.

SMASH!

Come on! You've got a gig to go to.

I KNOW you're sorry.

I'M sorry. We'll talk about it later.

Now, get in the car, will you?

Oh, here!

JANICE: I knew YOU shopped Vincent.

You don't have to tell me that.

What puzzles me is you shoppin' yourself to the Customs and Excise.

Was it to get your own back on Cairns?

Naw, that wouldnae make sense.

Then again, nothing you ever do DOES make sense, Mr Clockerty.

How's the yoghurt? Very nice.

Do you think they will get back together? The Dallas Boys?

Vincent and Noreen!

That IS why you resorted to such underhand methods?

I think it was a caring thing to do. Shame about what-d'you-call-her.

Still, there wisnae much future in knitting they lumber jackets.

Mind you don't slaver that doon your scarf.

COMPERE: Ladies and gentlemen, they're here.

The Majestics, with Suzi Kettles. The fabulous Majestics!

And I did NOT write to the VAT man. Don't be so blooming stupid.

Who d'you suppose it was, then?

How the hell should I know? Wasnae you, was it?

D'you remember the boy who came to the shop after closing time...?

I got them to stick the boy's name back up.

What boy? The one with the cleaver.

I canna see Vinnie making it now, can you?

I walked him round the block. He'll be fine.

Three...

Wo-o-oh You know I'm almost grown

Wo-o-oh I'm doing all right at school...

Who'll be fine?

You know I ain't never been in dodge

And I don't writhe around too much

Don't bother me, leave me alone Wa-ah-ah

I'm almost grown

I don't run around with no mob

Got myself a little job

I'm goin' to buy me a little car

Drive myself in the park

Don't bother us Leave us alone

Anyway, we're almost grown...

Sufferin' God!

INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE

Got my eye on a little girl

She's really out this world

And when I take her to a dance

We stay, talk about romance

Don't bother us Leave us alone...

Do you have some Polish vodka? Aye.

I was going to flush it doon the loo.

What proof is it? You cannae drink it. Did I mention drinking?

How you feeling? Sick.

I love you, Kettles.

That's WHY I'm feeling sick!

VINCENT!

You know I'm still living in town...

Dennis! WHAT?

Now I'm really having a ball

I don't roust around at all

Don't bother us Leave us alone

Anyway, we're almost grown...

A-wop boppa loo-bop a-wop bam boom!

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

A-wop boppa loo-bop a-wop bam boom!

Got a girl...

Vincent! Chuck that, you nutter!

Got a gi-irl named Sue

She knows just what to do

She knows how to love me Yes, indeed

You don't know what she does to me

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

A-wop boppa loo-bop A-wop bam-boom!

LOUD CHEERING

VINCENT!

AUDIENCE GASPS

WOMAN SCREAMS

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Awop-boppa-loo-bop - ooow!

Oh, Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi - oooh!

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Awop-boppa-loo-bop awop-bam-boom

I got a girl, named Sue She knows just what to do

I got a girl, named Sue She knows just what to do

She rock to the East She rock to the West

She's the gal that I love best

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi - oooh!

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi...

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