Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Awop bopa-loo-bop awop bam boom

I got a girl named Sue

She knows just what to do

I got a girl named Sue

She knows just what to do

She rock to the east, She rock to the west She's the gal that I love best

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi - Oooh!

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi

Tutti Frutti, oh Rudi Awop bopa-loo-bop awop bam boom!

MR CLOCKERTY: Well, since you ask, Tommy, no, he won't be.

Between you and me, Tommy, they were the worst 2 weeks of my life.

I had to donate a pint of my blood, for God's sake!

Not for a newspaper competition - for Vincent.

Cos he lost 4 when the big lassie stuck the chib in him.

What?

That's every Sunday paper they had.

Buckie! Hold on, my press agent has arrived.

I'll check if they got a mention in the Nationals. ..Well?

Well, what? Anything in the showbiz columns?

Vincent Diver got stabbed, not Sinatra.

I'm not paying you double-time to work up an act. Look and see!

Hello, Tommy. Did I tell you I'd discovered a good pressing plant?

What's the Polish for showbusiness?

No, not for pressing trousers! For pressing the boys' souvenir album.

You come on like a dream Peaches and cream

Lips like strawberry wine

You're sixteen

You're beautiful and you're mine

You're all ribbons and curls Oooh, what a girl Eyes that twinkle and shine

You're sixteen You're beautiful and you're mine. Wawawawoo

ECHOING SOUND You're my babe and my pet We fell in love the night we met

You touched my hand My heart went pop When we kissed we could not stop

You walked out of my dreams... Don't touch nothing, right?

I'm NOT! All I'm saying is they sound like they're vocalising through 40 layers of burlap!

We need some definition. What's this?

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL Aaah!

I'm no' telling you again, pal!

Get that coffee cup away! No need to get narked.

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

CYMBALS CLASHING

ENGINEER: Any of you guys got blotting paper?

I'll kill him! You'll make yourself sick. You're for it!

I reckon 22 hours and 56 minutes to get a track and a half in the can is pretty good going.

Anyone got a razor blade?

Aaaaah!

RECORD PLAYER PLAYS: Billie Holliday track

DOORBELL RINGS

Just a minute.

BELL RINGS AGAIN

Don't tell me they've finished recording.

BELL RINGS Oh, shut up! I'm coming.

If that's you, Danny McGlone...

I gave you a key.

What are you doing here? It's three weeks, Susan.

Where do you think you're going?

If you've been with anybody I'm going to kill you.

What are you playing at? Come out of there.

I telephoned,

and I asked around...

Stop that.

Where have you been for the past three weeks?

You can't just barge in here and exp...

Stay away from me.

I'm warning you, Stuart.

Don't be stupid, Susan.

But you always were a stupid bitch, weren't you? Yeah, when I married you!

That's right.

And you still are...

married to me. Don't you forget it.

As if I could.

Aaah! You're hurting me.

Good, because that's what you've been doing to me.

Do you have any idea of the kind of mental anguish you've been putting me through?

Where have you been, you COW?

I waited for over TWO hours.

You've been off somewhere, screwing around, haven't you?

Haven't YOU, you bitch? No!

You bastard.

What did you say? You heard.

GET UP!

I said, get up!

Don't hit me! Stuart, I'm warning you.

RECORD STICKS ON PHRASE

RECORD STICKS IN GROOVE

That's all you were ever good for, Suzi.

Bloody cow.

Oh, no!

Have you seen the TV preview page, Mr Clockerty?

..12, put down the 2 and carry one. "If you're a fan of Crimewatch UK and the Tube,

"you won't want to miss next Friday's documentary Rocking Through The Rye."

What's that? "Postponed from a fortnight ago due to technical problems,

"this fascinating glimpse of rock'n'roll

"has been rescheduled to coincide with their appearance in Glasgow

"at the end of a less than earth shattering tour by the Majestics..." Tell me you're making this up.

"whose manager and lead singer spills the rotten beans

"during 40 minutes of very often grotesque, but ultimately riveting television."

What are you doing?

We were always working to hairline tolerances.

Aw, God.

BILLIE HOLLIDAY RECORD STILL STUCK IN GROOVE

The last time I was this tired there was 17 of us crammed into a Camper,

travelling up to Churchill Falls in Labrador for a Wayne Newton Convention. Wayne who? Newton.

He's a cross between Liberace and Desperate Dan.

It was him that done that classic recording of Mambo Grosso.

They used to play it a lot on Children's Favourites. Am I tired!

D'you fancy a drop of Coke? Coke? (Shhhh, it's Bomba's.)

I haven't had a hit since I was in New York. Am I getting a straw?

Just suck it oot the can.

What's up? Ha! I've got it!

Don't give it to me! I'm not ending up in a wheelchair. The final track!

Why not do a re-work of our number seven?

Pull it off the LP, stick it out as a 12 inch.

What are you raving about now? Yeah! We'll need horns, a couple of dolls for the doo-wah-wahs.

DENNIS: D'you want to run the backing track? We've scrubbed the backing track.

Somebody shove us to the phone. I want to tell Noreen to put my supper in the oven. Come on!

DENNIS: Coming up in five, four...

three...two...

..one.

MUSIC STARTS And hit it.

What are you doing?

I trust this Clockerty fellow's got a few bob. That's us 4½ minutes into the next 12-hour session, pal.

What is it with some women?

Every stitch of clothing has gone through

a complete washing cycle three times a week! It's guilt!

How did your squad get on in Gstaad? It was Gdansk. I say tomata you say tomato.

Was it a tattie-howking holiday?

PHONE RINGS

Dozy bitch'll still be in her bunk. C'mon!

It's me.

PHONE RINGS OUT

'Maybe they're away to the laundrette together?'

That doesn't even begin to be funny. I better get Eddie to organise these session guys.

That wisnae just a wind-up? I told her to man that phone!

How good a chanteuse is this bird of Danny Boy's?

Eddie. Vincent.

RECORD STILL REPEATING PHRASE

REPETITIVE PHRASE

I've not to phone these names? At £600 of session fees, what d'you think?

Not even the horn players? They were on the Seersucker Suits promotion.

That was special. They'd not play on an album for a set of galluses and Smokey Robinson boxer shorts!

I could ask them. Wait for me!

What? Get her to drop in a few doo-wah-wahs? Suzi Kettles? Aye.

I'll be giving Glenna a tinkle. I'll take the gamble if you will.

Going to ask the boy how familiar he is with the Wall Of Sound?

Tell the paraplegic he CAN talk to ME!

If she doesn't cut it I'll gie you the nod and you can dunt her. Look, she's class. I wouldnae insult her.

She showed YOU up on the 3 gigs you never turned up for. What do you mean, never turned up for?

Werenae there, Diver.

Get him! Listen, the reasons I never "turned up" were,

number one, I was involved in a car smash;

numbers two and three, I was lying flat on my back in Intensive Care,

with stab wounds to my throat and testicles. Some excuse that!

What was I supposed to do? Crawl on stage from an operating theatre and vomit blood down a microphone?

Save that for the Pavilion! You're a has-been, this doll is a potential star.

WHAT? Guys, Joe-Ninety's getting twitchy.

Did you hear him? Are we on?

I'm a WHAT did you say? He says he wants to get this stuff in the can,

and get home.. I'm sorry. ..before his weans grow up. Did I say has-been? Sorry, Vincent.

I should think you ARE sorry. I could hardly believe my ears.

To be a has-been you have to be something to begin with.

Knock it off, Danny Boy.

And YOU have never been anything! But a joke, that is. Look at you, you're still a joke!

The boy's threatening to take a powder... Hold me BACK!

Hold me back, I said!

I'll swing for that palooka.

- You are, aren't you? - Easy, Vinnie. Me? A joke?!

ME? What're you trying to do?

You know what you are? Hang off us till I kill him! You and your bird! I want that pint of blood back!

Scum! That's what you are! Scum!!

- He has one arm down the sheepskin. - Now look what you've done!

I don't mean right now, stupid. I've nothing to put it in, have I?

If I hear ONE MORE voice, I'm going to get VERY peeved.

That is it. The goggles are in the pocket. He has definitely took the hump.

No, no, that's fine, on you go, pal, but remember you've walked out on one of the top pro bands.

If that bunch aren't sorted out when I get back, I'm turning the sprinklers on.

Oy, where do you think you're going, you dwarf?

A monkey could work this better. Bugger off!

That's all right, you guys, I just took his name off the sleeve.

I was washing my hair, that's why.

You can't hear anything under that tap.

Och, Danny, you said you weren't going to tease the poor guy any more.

Well, whatever it was you were doing to him.

I did not, you called him that. I'm quite partial to puff adders.

No, don't come over.

I mean, don't bother coming over, the place is a pigsty.

Anyway, I'm thinking about washing my hair. ..Did I?

Well, I'm going to be washing it ag... Hello?

Damn!

Hello? Is there anybody there?

Hello.

I tried the doorbell.

This is Vincent's wife, Noreen.

I can see your feet sticking out.

This is Noreen.

I'm married to Vincent.

Who's had this? D'you think you could ask the chap for some playback facilities, Dennis?

I hope that isn't my hanky he's spittin' into. Where's young Danny?

I thought he was to the fore on several numbers.

The chap says you aren't getting any facilities until the carpet is wiped.

Where did you say Danny was?

I told you the place was a mess. Then to cap it all he starts spitting up blood. What'd you say?

Spitting up blood?

No, that was me that said that. You said about looking a mess.

(Yeah, I do, don't I?)

Thanks, McGlone.

Come in till we see you. I've not seen you for two days. Why else d'you think I snuck off?

Give me a second.

Suzi?

Before I come in there's something I've got to tell you, Danny.

You've no' got any togs on? That's all right, I'll take mine off as well.

You know how you asked me a while back if there WAS anybody?

A guy.

Remember?

Well, there is.

..Was.

..Is. He was here this morning.

There's something else you ought to know.

He's...eh.

He's my husband...

You big jerk.

I'm talking to you!

Look!

LOOK.

His name's Stuart Gordon Inverarrity.

He's a dentist. You've got to do something.

Easy, Suzi. Oh, Danny.

Danny.

There, there.

He says...if I tell anyone... he'll... My God!

What've you done to your kisser, Kettles? Did you say about a dentist?

Sufferin' God, that's hellish!

What was it, a wisdom tooth?

< Help yourself to milk.

I wasn't sure whether to get meringues.

I hope they defrost all right.

This'll be tufted, will it?

No, it's instant.

The carpet, I mean. Oh, that?

Who cares?

D'you take sugar? We haven't got any.

I paid for that, by the way.

Not him. Just in case you were wondering.

Same as I'm paying for this dump,

out of my trust fund.

Did he tell you I lost it?

Your trust fund we're talking about? >

The baby.

Oh, my God.

Here, try one of your rock cakes.

I'll get you another cup.

Oh, my God.

< SMASH OF CROCKERY

< CROCKERY BREAKING

PHONE RINGS

She cannae still be out, surely to God. ..Oh, at last!

Hello, doll, listen. Is that you, Vincent?

Bloody hell. I must have dialled OUR number. I nearly went and blew it.

Hello, Noreen, you're back from the laundrette, are you? I rang earlier, but you weren't in.

..No, I don't follow that.

What d'you mean, "No, that's because I was here."

I said, I rang you earlier, but...

She's just asked me if I want to talk to Glenna. You do, don't you?

The wee bitch's went round to our place and shopped us.

Sorry, Noreen, this is a very bad line. What's that about henna?

Is that for shampoo or colouring the rice for curries?

Are you still there?

What d'you want me to say?

Hello? Noreen?

What d'you want me to say?

< SCREAMS

You and him's finished, ya whore! Tell him.

What possessed you to marry this guy?

He had a lovely smile.

How should I know?

Why does anybody marry anybody?

How come you were still meeting up with him? Eh? How come you had a date with the psychopath?

I broke the date, remember?

I had something to discuss with him that was all. What something?

It's nothing to do with you, Danny.

Getting back together again, was that it?

Yeah, I really missed getting my head punched in (!)

What d'you think? What was it? It must've been something. What was it?

I'll tell you some other time.

No, now. I'm not having you making secret rendezvous behind my back even if you don't turn up. Hang off!

I'll meet whoever I like whenever I like. And like you say I arranged to meet him, but didn't!

Who do you think you are, telling me what to do?

That's it. I'm just the mug that sleeps in the bath tub, and takes you out on tour.

Gets kept in the dark about the dentist. Who am I to tell you anything?

I wish to Christ I was back in that scummy two room walk-up in 42nd Street!

I tried to tell you about Stuart. You were asleep!

I've taken my last cold shower on account of you, Kettles. You know what you are, don't you?

Och, come back, McGlone. Don't make up my tub or wait for my call.

There's tons of dolls out there just dying to get their eye teeth into me.

What about these doo-wah-wahs? Save them for your dentist!

ENGAGED TONE ON PHONE

I just called to say I love you...

Ohya!

Where'd it go?

'You say "tipped off" one more time, Diver,'

and it's a pinewood box you'll be in.

I did NOT blow the whistle on you!

Boys, please, we came here to cut a Silver Jubilee Album.

It WAS you. Boys... I told you no good would come of it, right, Fud?

Leave me out of this. What am I going to do now? Where will I stay?

The chap in the control booth has been very patient, but it'll not take much to push him over the edge.

You probably put that impostor up to stabbin' us! I'll personally telephone the Saxophone Brothers.

When you're in getting your stitches out have a word with the shrink.

It's not MY family that's the nutters, pal!

If you must write anonymous letters you could at least sign them!

Whatever it is you've got, I've brought the antidote. Here.

For what I've got there's only one antidote.

So, to what do we owe this treat? Isn't your combo on the road?

I don't have much time... OK.

Down to base. We both know why I'm here, right? Right!

You go up ahead, I'll be up at your back.

Or we'll go together. My concern was for the Paparazzi.

If you want to discuss Friday's programme... One is masquerading as a synchronised swimmer there.

What's that? Legitimate investigative reportage.

No threats, no coercion. All we did was point the camera and put the questions. Wait a minute!

They're putting that garbage out? You saw the 'sneak' in the paper, didn't you? Up till an hour ago,

I was locked in the earth's bowels with survivors from another century hacking an LP from solid acetate!

Then, why the hell am I here? You told me next time I was in town to phone you.

I'll get you another. What is it? Fruit salad and...?

My God! Friday night, seven o'clock.

I can't wait till Friday.

My doctor says if I don't...

If you'd been the "Beast of Rock", Danny, I MIGHT have been interested.

Then again, perhaps not.

Bye. If I was the "Beast of Rock" I wouldn't have had to bother phoning you.

SAXOPHONES PLAYING

Well? Did you manage to track Danny Boy down?

I'm not surprised we're still lumbered with them seersucker suits.

She left him in Great Western Road, she says. D'you want me to check with the mortuaries?

That line of banter will land you a thick ear one day. Lads!

Threats and menaces we're getting now! Lads!

Can we get restarted? As soon as the squeezebox players get here.

Janice, fetch Vincent out the toilets. You only get paid when the tape's running, right?

Did he say "squeezebox players"?

He'll be in the Ladies. On you go.

Dennis!

Squeezebox players? < Give us a shout when you're ready.

Will do! I says, give US a SHOUT...

HELLO.

Don't start the tape until I give a shout, Dennis. Are we expecting 5 strange-looking people?

There'll be a 10-second delay then I'll count you in, OK?

Fine, but not just yet! I'll give him a shout!

Mr Clockerty?

DENNIS: So there's no confusion, I will be counting backwards.

10...9...8... NOT YET, ya eejit!

Mr Clockerty!

SAXOPHONISTS PLAY "Scotland The Brave"

No, it's me, honeybunch. Vincent.

Is your mum in? Yeah. Thanks, hen.

I know you're the last person to ask, Vincent,

but who exactly are "The Inverbervie Ceilidh Quintet"?

There's a ten ton truck outside with tartan letters this big. Is it a double booking?

Where the hell...? Hello, Theresa?

Hi, doll.

..I'm in a wheelchair, but I'm fine.

I was just wondering if you could put me up for a few days.

ALL MUSICIANS WARMING UP ..Then I'll hold up four.

Then, THREE.

Then TWO and so on.

Now, has that chap got that, Dennis? DENNIS!

Sorry, did you say something, Eddie?

We've only got seven hours left. I don't think it's going to be nearly enough! Where's Vincent?

You GOT here, did you?

VINCENT.

Vincent! VIN-CENT.

I've got my own rubbish. VINCENT. VINCENT. Aye, I'm coming!

You take care of yourself, doll, and remember, keep your chin up. See you later.

I'm coming! ACCORDIONS, SAXOPHONES PLAY

DIALOGUE IS IN BOLIVIAN

You don't talk Bolivian?

< Number three, was it? And a gallon of paraffin.

< WHISTLES

< You must have money to burn, missus.

If you nip home smartish, you could catch the tail-end of this.

SAXOPHONES PLAYING < OK, LET'S go!

OK, let's hit it.

One, two...

One, two, three, four.

Wowo-oh-oh I'm almost grown

Wowo-oh-oh Yeah, I'm doing all right in school

They ain't said I broke no rules

You know, I ain't never been in dodge

I don't writhe around too much

Don't bother me, leave me alone Wo-wo-oh

Anyway, I'm almost grown Ba-doo-way

I don't run around with no mob Wa-doo-way I got myself a little job Doo-way

I'm going to buy me a little car Wa-doo-way

Run my girl in the park Wa-doo-way

Leave us al-one Wop-wop-woh

Anyway, we almost grown! Wa-doo-way!

I got my eye on a little girl Wa-doo-way

You know she's out this world Wa-doo-way

I took her to a dance Said we'd talk about romance

Don't bother us, leave us alone! Woo-woo-woo-woo

Anyway, we're almost grown

You know that I'm still living in town

I got married and settled down Wa-doo-way

I'm REALLY having a ball Wa-doo-way

Cos I don't drive around at all Ba-doo-way

Don't bother us, leave us alone

Anyway, we're almost grown

Ba-doo-way

Ba-doo-way.

Thank you, boys and girls. I'm told we have a record.

Right, Dennis, let's you and me get these tapes across town.

Have you alerted the pressing plant?

Janice, be at the shop at 9 am. There's a vanload of chaps arriving.

To help out with the Fire Sale? We need a left and right in each pair.

If the Saxophone Brothers would leave a note of what we owe them...

And thank you very much indeed, the Inverbervies. You won't be going away empty-handed either.

I'm shattered.

Same here. Did you manage to book a bunker for a kip?

What d'you care if I did?

Please yourself. I was going to say you could come back to our place.

C'mon, we'll split a taxi and grab a Polish sausage and beetroot breakfast.

D'you want a lift? No, I'll walk.

I hope that wasn't meant to be funny.

Of course, your bird just lives up the road, doesn't she?

C'mon, kid.

Going to haud the door open for us?

Ya reptile! Just wait until you're in one of these!

That's right! Let's hear it for the cripple!

Reptiles!

Reptiles, the lot of you.

I'm almost positive I had a message-bag.

Well done, Danny. What we have here is worth its weight in Levi 501s.

Pick your feet up, Dennis.

PLAYS PIANO: Opening bars of "Love Hurts"

Janice?

Ho, Janice?

Are you still here? What is it?

Nothing. I was just wondering... Wondering what?

If you should pull the door shut when you leave? Yeah. You and Eddie.

What about me and Eddie?

Goin' to go? I'm to be at the shop soon for these chaps arriving.

You arenae serious, are you?

About the chaps? You and Eddie.

Look, if this is a come-on, forget it.

If I DID fancy you, which I don't, I'm far too comfy to budge.

And don't say "He's old enough to be your father." So are you.

Him and I has got an arrangement.

I treat him like dirt, and when he dies, I get first refusal on the lease of the premises.

I don't think you understand, doll, this is a medical problem.

It's not as if I even like you.

PLAYS PIANO

Love hurts

Love sc-ars

Love wo-unds

..and mars

Any he-art...not tough

..or stro-ng en-ough

You take a lot of pain

Take a lot of pain

Love is like a cloud

Holds a lot of rain

Love hurts

Love h-urts.

Beat it, you creep.

Sweet dreams, baby.

< CRASH

SNORING

TELEPHONE RINGS

God.

Uh?

What alarm call?

Well, it's still pitch black here.

Who is this?

Where am I?

My God, I've been struck blind!

I promise I'll never try anything smutty ever again.

What the hell am I doin' up at 9 o'clock in the morning, anyway? OHHH!

AAOOW!

WATER RUNNING

OH, my God! The things some guys'll do when they're in love.

I thought you said it wasnae going to rain today? >

It isnae raining, Ruby.

What's going to happen to my permanent? It isnae raining.

What's that, then?

You noticed? Terrible what you'll succumb to when fear takes a grip.

Still, if you're going to croak under the gas, you'll croak, that's what I always say. Tut, tut!

What are you getting, pal? I'd go for the needle, you hardly feel a thing (!)

All you'll hear is the crunching as he grips your teeth with the pliers. For heaven's sake!

Hey, goin' to get the receptionist to get us a spittoon, darling? Ow!

DOOR SLAMS

No, don't bother.

You're disgustin'. Yes.

But when I wake up I'll still be disgustin'.

When you wake up... Ruby!

No, that cannae be right. When I... Ruby!

What?

Mrs Beattie tells me you're in a wee bit of distress, Mr...

Mrs Beattie's a woman of some perception. I bit into a partially-cooked Baked Alaska.

You best come through till we have a look at you.

You've been to the Dental Hospital I see. Aye, they sent me down here.

Said you were the only guy with big enough pliers.

Mrs Beattie also tells me you've been chasing away my patients.

Why would a nice big chap like you want to do that?

Because this "nice big chap" doesn't like dentists that beat up on women! What are you doing?

WHINE OF DRILL Aaaagh! >

Aaaaaah!

What're you looking so chirpy about?

If you'd just taken a crash course in Orthodontics, you'd be looking pretty pleased with yourself.

Are you sure this is the right road for Aberdeen, Dennis? A crash course in what?

One of your Martial Arts? You're a dunce, O'Donnell.

It's not that decorational woodwork? C'mon, lob us a smoke.

< Our Damien's got a Brown Belt for it.

< For decorational woodwork? That's quite unusual, innit?

Cheers. AH, for... Take this. Don't give it back to us with a rib in its bum though, eh?

You'll no' catch anything off it. Gie us it back! I'm smoking it.

Do you feel that beetroot coming up? I had the coloured cabbage.

Did you manage to get some shut-eye? Big Theresa fix you up with a bed?

I didn't make it to Big Theresa's.

Goin' to chuck that ower the back? What is it? What did you say?

I slept like a top. Terrific! Just chuck it ower the back.

Here, you take this. What's THIS? It's good scoff, Vinnie. Feel free.

It's what your shipyard worker has for breakfast in Gstaad. Gdansk.

Nup, I don't want any beetroot.

Country roads

Take me home

To the place... Dennis.

I bel-ong West Virginia... Shut up.

MUSIC: Introduction "Love Hurts"

SQUEAL OF HOWL-AROUND

...or strong enough HOWL-AROUND

QUIETLY: ..of pain, take a lot of...pa-in

Love is like a cloud

Holds a lot of rain.

Man Bites Dog. That IS news.

All right, come and have a skite through our butterfly collection.

See if you cannae spot the culprit.

It's not sore, is it?

And you've no idea what he did it for, eh?

I bet that IS sore.

I'm young

I know

But e-ven so

I know a th-ing

Or two

I've learned from you

I've really learned a lot

Really learned a lot

Love is like a stove

Burns you when it's hot

Love hurts

Love h-urts

Some fools rave of hap-piness, ..blissfulness...

..togetherness...

Some fools fool themselves, I guess

But - they - ain't - foolin' - me

I know it isn't true

Know it isn't true

Love is just a lie...

Made to make you blue Love hurts

Love hurts

GUITAR SOLO

Lo-ve hurts.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0