Original subtitles

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Awop boppa-loo-bop, awop bam boom!

I've got a girl named Sue, She knows just what to do!

I've got a girl named Sue, She knows just what to do!

She rocks to the east, She rocks to the west,

But she's the girl I love best!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Awop boppa-loo-bop, Awop bam boom!

RADIO ON: SCOTTISH DANCE BAND

'The quiet man of Scottish country dance music...

'Jimmy Shand and his Band with "Kiss Me Quick, My Mother's Coming."

'And good morning to the skipper and crew of the "Golden Lass",

out there in the Pentland Firth...'

Sounds like a nice quiet boy!

Hurry up and find this dump, Dennis. I'm badly in need of hair-restorer.

'You're listening to Radio Buckie...

'..on 229 metres on the Medium Waveband...'

DENNIS: C'mon, you guys, get it together...

It'll help push the ticket sales up into double figures!

'..And two of the Majestics will be dropping in to

'"Lachie's Phone-in" very shortly...'

DENNIS: What is it I'm looking for? Some kind of TV aerial?

'It's 5.54am on Radio Buckie...'

A fish factory, the guy said. Please...!

These buildings all smell the same.

'My special guests this morning, and still half-asleep,

'I imagine, Bomba MacAteer and Danny McGlone...

'So if you want to speak to them...

Does that have to be that loud? > I want to listen to the phone-in.

Three...double three... Double nine!

'And to help take us to the News with George Alexander Nesbitt, the B side of the 1962 hit single -

'the Majestics and "Rip It Up"...'

How's your head? Splittin'. I said to take it easy last night.

I did take it easy. I only had one whisky.

You've had a 'headache' EVERY night since Brodick. It's my injury.

I wouldn't mind, but I haven't seen you for weeks.

Gonna quit nagging, Noreen? It's no' even dawn!

MAJESTICS: ..Gonna have me a ball!

Gonna rock it up! Gonna rip it up...

It's not just an excuse... Is it?

..Gonna have a BALL tonight!

VINCENT! It's not just an excuse, is it?

Cut it out, will you? I'm tired.

You haven't been seeing anybody, have you?

It's headaches I get, no' visions!

Gonna stop bothering us? You know what I mean! ..Have you?

Have I what? Been seeing anybody?! NO! Now shut tup and let me sleep!

I know fine well you've been seeing somebody!

Then what the hell are you asking for?! I've NOT been seeing anybody.

You know what you are, don't you?

TIRED... of you and your whining, Noreen!

THROUGH THE WALL: Shut the hell up! >

RADIO: Gonna break it up!

GUITAR RIFF

Sorry! THEATRICAL SIGH

Gonna SHAKE it up! Gonna BREAK it up! Gonna rock it up...

Gonna BALL tonight! SONG PLAYS OUT

Morag! FINAL DRUM ROLL

"Rip It Up" - vintage 1962 from the Majestics, there.

HULLO?!

..on 229 pullovers on Medium Wave, >

..and 32 dirty shirts on the Short Wave.

And it's EXACTLY one and a half > minutes from the Big Six.

It'll be the News very shortly, > and after that, a double helping of the Majestics - Danny and Bomba.

Stick your digits in the phone dial, Radio Buckie Lovers...

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About rock and roll But Were Afraid To Ask!

OPENING BARS OF ROCKY BURNETTE'S "TIRED OF TOEIN' THE LINE"

Take it away, Rocky!

Are you there, Morag!

Oh!

Er...we just got here. Dammit!

Don't tell me. Let me guess! You're Danny? HE'S Danny.

Then you're Bambi? BOMBA!

Come away in. I'll get Morag to fetch you some refreshments.

What do you feel like? I know - death warmed up, right?!

Are you in the loo, Morag?

You can have tea, coffee, Coke, Tab or porridge from the machine.

Well, gentlemen, how is the Golden Jubilee Tour progressing?

A Golden Jubilee is 50 years, pal. Aye, aye. How's it going?

MORAG!

..Tired of toeing the line... KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it? < It's only me.

Only me who? < Only me - Fud.

Frank! Can I come in? < I'm in bed.

I've no' got a wireless in my room.

Hang on a minute.

Can you not listen to Vincent's? Not what? Listen to VINCENT'S!

I've asked them. They sent me here.

< OK. Did you say something?

I said, come IN!

I didnae know you were in your bed. Where else would I be at 6am!

Have they been on yet? They're on after the News.

Don't sit on my legs! Sorry.

What're you staring at?

You suit it!

I'm here to see he doesn't make a total idiot of himself, not to provide home comforts.

He left this here when he went back to his OWN bed in his own room.

KNOCK AT DOOR Mm?

'Morning, sir! 'Morning, madam!

Bloody HELL! What time is it? Not long till we're in Aberdeen.

Is it the wife that was the coffee? Oh. Here's your coffee, Miss Toner...dear!

Aw, no... I don't like these biscuits!

Just press that when you've finished. OK?

DOOR SHUTS What kind have you got, Mr Clockerty? Ssh! He'll hear you!

What kind of WHAT have I got?

You get a choice when you travel First Class. I cannae eat these. They're stoatin'!

Try dunking them. Try whatting them? DUNKING them!

Don't shout! It's no' MY fault you never got this injunction.

I don't know what we went down to London for. I could've told you we wouldnae get it. Shut up, Janice.

Why worry, anyway? There's naebody going to see the stupid programme up in Buckie.

I'd be surprised if they've got the wireless up there, never mind TV.

Nope, this is impossible. I've tried it... They're STILL stoatin'.

Thank you, George Alexander, for that News and Weather update.

Some rough seas coming up, so don't forget the Rainmates, eh?!

It's just coming up to seven minutes past six,

and Lachie's here till eight.

Could you go a wee blether once again? Och aye!

And I'm joined in the studio by two great mates of mine -

Danny McGlone and Bomba MacAteer...

Danny and Bomba frae the Majestics Showband. (Aw, no!) Hold on, pal...

(They arenae a 'Showband'!)

Aye, aye... Danny's brother, Jazza,

was recently killed in a horrendous road accident,

so a specially warm welcome to him.

Perhaps some of our listeners will be phoning in to talk about that.

We've our first caller on the line -

and Morag's on switchboard today.

Good morning! And it's...? 'Mrs Henderson.' And it's a question for Bomba, yes?

Put that back on! I want to listen to the phone-in. NO!

He's only going to embarrass us. It's off and it's staying off.

It's MY radio! 'I like a Forfar Bridie or a big Mac...'

See what I mean?! No, I DON'T! '..that package tour for a year...'

Take a telling, Noreen!

Where're you going? Never mind. Don't slam that door!

Your manners haven't improved. What was that?

Don't slam the door, Noreen, PLEASE.

Don't slam the door... Please.

'And our next caller...' < DOOR SLAMS What was that? Ssh!

< Are you there, Susan? I'll get it.

I know fine he's been... Och!

Don't be daft! He only came in to listen to the radio... Sit down.

Shift over, you... Sit down, Noreen.

'OK, let's leave that call...

'You're tuned to Radio Buckie - the pride of the north-east. 229 metres on the Medium Waveband.

'We'll just take a breather there.

'Be right back...' Rivetting!

Yes? We might be missing something!

That... '..flounders at 62p...' is what you're missing!

So...

What's the latest? RADIO ON VERY LOW

Away we go again. In the studio are Danny McGlone and Bomba MacAteer...

Ring 0542 if you're not living in the Buckie area, then 33399.

And we have another caller... Hi! You're through to Danny and Bomba.

'I'd like to ask Bomba something.' I don't know why I bothered coming.

'Do you mind when the Majestics last played Buckie?' Aye, they lost 4-2!

Er...let me think...er...

You are talking to ME, I take it? You've got him there, sweetheart!

They were zonked out their skulls on thae tours!

It was 1964. 'That's what I thought.' The Majestics, Billy J Kramer...

Peter and Gordon, the Honeycombs... Donald Peers, the Great Caruso...!

Gene Pitney and the Allisons.

Pitney used to close the show by having a birthday cake brought on

for him - EVERY night of the tour!

Always brought the house down. I reckon he must be about 549 by now!

I hate Gene Pitney. 'I've got a photo of you and my mum...

'and my mum's cutting some kind of cake.

'It looks as if it's on a boat...'

No, if that's what I think it is, that wasnae a Pitney birthday...

That was dead gen. A boat, you say?

'There's all this wood panelling...' Have you got the photo there?

'Like a liner...' I know where that was!

Hello, sweetheart? That was September 29th, 1964.

It was taken in the back of the British Legion Club...

Vincent's 22nd birthday. All right?

Then there were the rehearsals, and if I was out, he was at home...

So a young lady wi' a souvenir of the Majestics' first visit to Buckieland...

'But...' - Sorry? 'I haven't asked my question yet.'

Oh, my mistake!

BAA-ING NOISES

Smacked botty and sent to bed!

So it's not about the photo then?

'D'you mind giving my mum a pendant?' (Who's she asking?) ..A pendant?

Come on, let's get on!

No offence. 'It's engraved with "I'll never get over you. Bomba."

'Do you mind about it? I've only just found it in her things.' Er...

He cannae even remember last night!

'DO you?!' Er...

Why don't you drop him a line? That'd be best.

It's 06.18...

right here on Radio Buckie! 'Do you REMEMBER her, I said?'

I could've gave 100s of pendants to dolls. I didnae keep a log-book!

(This chick is aggravating me!)

And a VERY interesting chat there! Let's take another caller now...

Hello? 'She died of cancer.' (God!)

Now we'll play you one of Lachie's Leapers...

'You never called her!' (Get rid of her!) Aye!

'D'you know when MY birthday is?' - One of the great sounds on 229...!

'It's June 27th, 1965.' - (Morag, pull the plug on 2.)

'Exactly 9 months after the Majestics' concert.'

She's trying to tell you something!

That's it! Wait!

Come back...fellas!

And if I had the evening off... Hold on, Noreen.

Take it, you nuisance! Thanks.

I was getting frantic. I... Sorry.

I didn't mean in here. Outside! Oh, sorry.

You were saying?

MACDONALD SISTERS SING IN GAELIC

AWAY TO HELL! >

Noreen? < Are ye listening?

The guys'll be on after this garbage.

BEAT IT, YA MORON!

DENNIS: Where to? Just drive around for a bit.

He's had a nasty shock, the boy... Could've been a hoax call, Bomba.

It'll be Vincent up to his tricks. Just drive and leave this to me.

Say something. Even if it's only "Shut tup, Danny Boy!"

Shuttup, Danny Boy!

Thanks!

You try to be sympathetic... Leave me alone.

I've gotta think. I've had no time to digest it.

It can be a shock, a call like that.

You reckon it's gen? Well, there WAS the pendant.

That proves nothing. No? It needs the bird's name on it.

Now if it had said "Mandy" on it... Mandy? Or Cindy, Mindy, whatever...

It might stand up in a Court of Law. What d'you mean 'Court of Law'?!

She'll want to sue for child maintenance. What?

Then there's her education... Clothing... Dental work...

Depriving her of a parent's love...

Could be quite a sum. A few grand at least. Quit acting it, you pair!

It's bad enough finding out you MIGHT be somebody's Old Man,

without you two laughing at it.

I wasnae laughing. Nor me, neither.

I read about a similar case...

The 'absconding father' had to fork out 70,000 dollars.

Look at it, this way, Bomba... It's a big sister for the other four.

Christine'll be pleased, eh?!

Aw, God! And a niece for Uncle Vincent! Chuck it!

Will you stop worrying about it!

YOU'RE not the one that's in it, Janice.

You realise the good name of Cl...

Are you smirking?

..the good name of Clockerty Enterprises could be in tatters!

What time's it on at? What did you say to them?

You didnae let on about the dodgy vinyl, did you? Of COURSE I never.

Or the Souvenir Brochure scam? No, no, no, no!

Well, what then?! That you owe the VAT man £2,000?

It's much worse than that. Payola... famous names...sexual favours...

Eh?! What names?

You wouldnae know any of them. My mum will, though.

Sexual favours, did you say?! Allegations, Miss Toner!

Look, whose side are you on? I'll have to wait and see.

Och, it's only going out on BBC Scotland! Why WORRY about it?

Why worry? This IS Scotland, you stupid girl!

The way you were talking, I thought it was going to be seen by millions!

What's on the other side? What's...!

How can you be so disloyal, Janice?

Oh-oh! Don't turn round.

Guess who's on the train?

DON'T turn round, I said! It's not MRS Clockerty, is it?

It's HER.

That's what I'm saying! How did...? No' her...

HER! Vincent's girlfriend.

Vincent's girlfriend?

I told you not to turn round! She's seen us now.

HI!

She's coming up. And why not?

She's a perfectly nice lassie. Yeah, you WOULD think that... HI!

What're YOU doing on this train?

Fancy bumping into you two! I thought I recognised the faces.

Do you want to sit by the window?

You're no' going up to Buckie? > Yeah, I've a surprise for Vincent!

You've had it, then? < Had what?

Where's the carrycot? > The what?

I've knitted him a lumber jacket.

Aw, I thought you meant... Meant WHAT?

D'you think he'll like it? Yes...it's very nice. Isn't it, Janice?

I just hope it's not too big... D'you think he'll like the toggles?

It'll do for frightening folk!

What's she saying? Er, and all this is hand knitting?

I might be able to place one or two with the San Diego Misfits, Janice.

It's not possible to knit it with the shorter full-length sleeve? Is that a joke?

Janice!

About price... What do you think, Miss Toner?

You couldnae sell THAT...

..no' in our shop. > I said, San Diego Misfits!

How long did it take to knit? All my hospital stay. As long as that?

You'd have to charge a fortune... £10 or £12.

I think you're both horrible!

- Were you thinking a fiver? - Let me out! Mind your feet!

What did you say to her? Nothing! >

- What'd I say?! - I'm telling Vincent! Wait, er...

Glynis. Glynis!

It's GLENNA!

(You're for it!) Glenna, come back!

What is it that gets into you? It was horrendous!

All that guff about San Diego Misfits!

I sometimes wonder about our relationship, Janice, whether you're not a little too...

..too... What's the word?

Stylish? Sophisticated? Intelligent? No, no.

GALLUS! Yes, that's it.

It's better than being a sawn-off Page 3 chick that cannae knit

and eats prawn cocktails in Wimpy Bars.

I LIKE being gallus, so there!

Yeah, look out the window!

He's with ME... I'm no' with HIM! OK?!

SUZI: Why hasn't this telephone girl's

mother got in touch before now?

She must be after something... Why get in touch otherwise?

If you'd just discovered a father, you'd want to make contact, Danny.

Cannae be dough she wants. That's a non-starter with us. What is her angle?

You're spending too much time with Vincent. You even SOUND like him.

Why does everybody have to have an angle? She's a doll, isn't she?

Every doll has an angle. I'm gonna bop you!

CAGNEY: I knew a doll once who was this tall and this skinny.

And she used to stand like this...

Her angle, see!

Aargh! What's up? We're going to miss breakfast!

Run downstairs and keep us a table. Tell them I'm just coming. Hurry!

You're not having a bath, are you? No, I'm having a haddock... Go on!

RUN! I don't know how you can look at a bath tub. I couldnae.

What's your second choice? Smokies, plenty of toast

and DON'T touch my porridge. Yes, Mummy Bear!

These smokies are BRILLIANT, Bomba.

How come you walked off the show? > 'Morning, Vincent!

You missed yourself this morning... Some phone-in, eh, Bomba?!

Where's Noreen? Washing my shirts. That's nice!

You want to get that bird of yours to do yours.

The kitchen staff are away. Right, Bomba?

Have one of Bomba's smokies. They're no' bad with some garnish.

HULLO?

Will whoever's in there please...?

SOUND OF TAP RUNNING

(Oh, my God.)

Hullo? ..Hey, YOU in there!

I loathe tomato catsup on smokies. Chuck us a slice of toast, you pig.

< DANNY! I'm no' here, Kettles!

Come quick. I need you. Can it no' wait? No.

Don't you eat them! Come on!

The birds just cannae RESIST me!

If Noreen spoke to me like that, I'd LAMP her one.

Quit shoving! There could be someone drowning up here!

Out the road!

(My God...)

Noreen!

Who should I call first... the ambulance or the laundrette?

This is very kind of you to let us share your transport...Glenna.

You've never been to Buckie before? ..Nice wee town.

We were there in 64, the boys and myself.

Big package tour, it was. Majestics were third top of the bill.

Vincent's birthday... I'll never forget his birthday!

Everybody chipped in to buy him a cake.

..Everybody except Gene Pitney. He offered to LEND him his!

Remind me to tell you that story sometime, Janice.

I remember one of the boys got in tow

with this blonde lassie with spectacles.

She laid on the candles and hats.

We all presumed she was one of the Vernons Girls...

Till she got VERY drunk...

..and SAT...on Vincent's cake.

Look what's on TV tonight... "A Fistful of Dollars"?

"Rockin' Through the Rye". That's all we need.

Is that the movie with Jackie Dennis in it? No. It is the major BBC TV documentary about ME.

Don't listen to him. He's in it briefly, making a mug of himself.

Is that the thing you snuck off from Ardrossan to do? Lousy, is he?

Let's just wait and see, shall we?

Some little gems were recorded for posterity after you went. I'm sure!

I think it was Akim Tamiroff who said,

"The camera loves you, or it doesnae." Jimmy Dean was one.

Brando's another. We're called "naturals", sweetheart. Maybe you were just TOO natural.

I'm going to find out how Noreen's doing.

Excuse me. Tell her I was asking for her.

She's done it before. She'll be as right as rain! She's a nurse. She knows how many to take.

I wouldn't bank on it.

I definitely missed my vocation.

I spend more time in hospitals than Dr Kildare.

What's keeping them? They should have her insides pumped out by now.

They'll tell us. You're making me nervous. I'M making YOU nervous?

Aye! It's not any easier for me.

I blame it on her upbringing.

She was never this stupid till she got mixed up with you, Diver.

SHE wants her head examined, that's what she wants... psychiatric treatment.

One minute she's washing my shirts, the next, she's lying comatose in hospital...not very clever.

Were you and her fighting this morning?

That's what's done it, you know that, don't you?

Did she find out about the girlfriend?

We were NOT fighting.

Who told you we were fighting?

We were getting on fine. There's nothing to find out about Glenna.

I told you, that's all finished.

When did I see her last? Eh? WHEN?

Well, SOMETHING set her off. Well, it wasnae me.

We've never been happier... Now she goes and does this to me.

Mr MacAteer? No, Mr Diver. I'm Mr MacAteer. I'm her husband.

She wants Mr MacAteer. How is she?

You can't stay long. She's very weak.

Hold on. I'm her husband. HE's only her brother. Why can't I see her?

Dr McGhee will talk to you. This way. I don't want to see Dr McGhee!

Let me see my wife! Behave yourself!

You've done enough damage. ME?! I'VE done enough damage?

She is a nutter! And you can tell her that from me, an OUT and OUT NUTTER!

I think I'll go up and lie down. The last time I was up this early, the wife was having Eric.

You mean earache. No, Eric — after Eric the Red. He has ginger hair.

That's the gear set up. I'm starving!

There's a lump of cold smokie.

A lump of cold smo-o-kie, All covered in...

No, I'll get my own, thanks.

< Suit yourself. Hello?

What kinda joint is this? There's no-one about, not even an egg. Do they take the grub home?

I telephoned. She's come round. Hi, Dennis. There isn't a proper visiting hour till later.

Did Danny tell you what happened? He didn't need to. Did you not get yours? Noreen took an overdose.

Maybe I should too. That's the third breakfast I've missed this week!

What kind of people have you got involved with?

A woman tries to kill herself and they don't bat an eyelid. Hey!

Fud was right. The novelty's obviously worn off.

They probably weren't so sanguine the first time she tried it.

Aw, you're changed out of your pyjamas. I was going to suggest going upstairs for a snooze.

Go upstairs. Nobody's stopping you.

Tell me something, Kettles. What?

This...initiative test I've got to pass... Yes?

So you admit there is one?

What's so wonderful about getting into bed together?

It might not be wonderful for you, but it would do me a power of good.

I thought everything was going to be all right.

Apart from guys running amok, me having to get into drag, wives taking overdoses,

and not getting my breakfast, everything IS all right. What do you mean by "all right"?

Chucking your job to come on the road...

I foolishly thought you wanted us to...get to know each other better.

It's difficult to imagine somebody with your dress sense being coy,

but you just about managed it.

I HAVE got to know you better, a lot better, without getting in the sack with you,

which is why this is the last stop on my itinerary.

First thing tomorrow, I'm off.

Can we not talk about this?

Eh?

Look, don't go, please!

Look, I love you, Kettles.

You what?

I love you, Kettles.

Say that again.

I love YOU.

No, even at a third hearing, it's still got a distinctly bogus ring to it, Danny.

You mean, you lust after me. No, that's OK. I can understand.

You're single and away from home, and you've just had two smokies.

Can we talk later? I'm going for toothpaste.

A guy says he loves you, and you go out for toothpaste!

That says it all. It gives me some idea of where I rate in your list of priorities. We need toothpaste.

That'll be the Royal "we". Have you got some?

No, I don't! I'm going to get us some. Bye.

Come back here, dammit!

What is it?

Don't get the stripey stuff. It stings my gums.

What kinda drip? I don't know. Did you ask the quack?

I never knew she was on a drip, so how could I ask? What DID you ask?

You do not ask a priest what goes on at confession.

So you confessed? Admitted it was all your fault? No, I never.

I meant, you do not enquire into other people's private affairs.

Private affairs?!

That's good, Vincent. Very APT.

She's lying with tubes coming out all over the place.

And that's my fault? How is it my fault? I never shoved the pills down her throat. No?

Tell me when you want another breadfruit sandwich, Mr Christian.

What the...?

BOO! AH! Surprise!

Glenna...what in God's name are you doing here? I thought you were still in hospital.

I got fed up in the hospital.

Nobody came to see me.

Oh, Vincent!

How did you get in here? I told Reception I was your daughter.

You told them what?! That I was your daughter!

They didnae believe you, did they? I'm here!

Daddy...

Did Reception tell you that "Mummy" took a bottle of sleeping tablets?

So you DID keep your promise.

I'm glad.

What's that on the bed?

I KNEW you'd like it.

What is it, but? Here...try it on.

I used up all the wool I was saving.

It's not for me? Is it?

Aw, Glenna!

If you cannae do up the toggles, I'll put in poppers.

I knew it! It brings out the colour of your eyes. Oh, Vincent...Vincent.

↑ The big loon's holding his own, eh?

He's no' talking to us, is he?

Has he had a face-lift?

Must be some quaint local custom.

I don't know if I'd have recognised ony o' you, but I'd have kent the big loon onywhere.

Oh...it's no' the same fellow that was here before. It's his wee brother.

You're thinking of Big Jazza. This is Danny Boy.

Oh, aye? No, no' him. The big fella.

Give us another Courvoisier and a Coke.

All this intermarriage... £2.95.

Oh...er...fine. How much did you say it was, Jim? < Call it three quid.

I was going to buy you one, but forget it!

I hope this helps YOU because I feel very off-colour.

Talking about off-colour, look what's just strolled in. Where?

You guys OK? Bacardi and Babycham, pal. Something up wi' you, Dennis?

It's very gassy Coke, that's all.

Dig the outfit, Vinnie.

Havenae seen you in that before. New, is it? It's a present.

Didnae know you were pally with Dolly Parton. That'll be one of her cast-offs, eh? It's from the bird.

Over here, doll. Eh?

Sorry, Vincent. I couldn't find my blusher. Hi...

< And what's for the young lady? That is.

I'm having a pint. One pint of Bacardi and Babycham... A pint of heavy!

Grab these and sit over there.

Och, Vincent! Stop staring at us.

Are they for keeping the flies off?

What? Them toggle efforts. Vincent...! >

What is it? Gonna get us a packet of them shrimpy things?

You haven't worn as weel as the big loon, either. That'll be £3.52.

Prawn somethings. I hear you!

What did he say? I think he's one of your fans from '64.

Where do you think you're going? He's got it on! What? Eddie...

What are you doing here?

Hi, Janice. What's up? >

What's everyone having? This round's on me. Miss Toner?

Dennis?

Bomba?

I didn't think you'd suit that, but d'you know...?

It could maybe do with a wee tuck in the sleeve,

otherwise... Have they got them?

Hello.

Daddy! Aw, naw...

< So you couldn't remember her?

Well, maybe this'll help.

What is this?

Try running round the deck a few times. That might help.

I'm not seasick, I'm lovesick. Say you're not going away tomorrow.

Sorry. I thought you were having a good time.

The Majestics are having a good time. I'm having a lousy time. It didn't sink in till today.

Don't you dare be sick over my good shoes.

It's your rowing that's doing it.

You row, then. How can I?

I'm feeling seasick! The entire fishing fleet's looking at us!

You think I'm throwing up into the Pentland Firth for laughs? I'd believe anything. Stop it!

See, when I get you home...!

Oh! Now look what you've done!

SIREN >

↑ You might have came and woke us up. That's twice I've missed everything.

SIREN

DENNIS: Did you see the size of the knife?

It was this length! You should have woke us up! My legs went from under us.

I should've gone in the ambulance. No, covering him up with your good coat was enough.

You should have seen the blood! The barman had to use a squeezee mop!

We'll no' have to come back for the court case, will we?

I don't think so. Obviously needs psychiatric help, the lassie.

Takes after her father. Dennis! She IS his daughter, then?

That's the doctor put the girlfriend under sedation.

You could see it was Vincent's lassie. Same sleekit look about her.

How many other chicks d'you suppose he gave one of these to?

"I'll never get over you, Bomba."

I could go up to that hospital and stick a knife in him myself!

He had some done with "All my love, Eddie" on them. I took it that was meant to be Eddie Cochran.

I'm not sure about that, now.

Still, that isn't the problem.

The problem is, do we cancel or...

Or what? I don't see we've got any choice.

..Or do we go for a stand-in for tonight's show? Oh, no you don't!

Look at it this way... No!

Once the news is out, this hotel's going to be invaded. No, I said!

In fact, we could put it on the posters...

Get on to that, Dennis, son. Take Fud with you.

Trust me, Bomba. I know what people are like. They can be very crass.

No chicks, Eddie. When I gave in to having that big eejit McGlone in the band, that was the deal!

What was the number of that local wireless station? Miss Toner...?

Vincent!

RADIO: The finger of suspicion-n-n...

Points...at...YOU.

'The late Dickie Valentine there. While you were listening to that, we were in receipt of...'

a telephone call! 'HURRAY!'

And that telephone call was from none other than... FANFARE

Eddie Clockerty, the driving force behind the great Majestics Showband,

'two of whose number were my guests on "Lachie's Phone-In" this morning.

'He's just been giving Radio Buckie, a world exclusive!'

He's not giving away another thousand free tickets! Shh!

'..the stabbing at the Majestics' hotel right here in Buckie.'

What?! 'Details in our "News Round-up".'

To take us up to the witching hour...

Gie that man a bag of Merrols... a great wee tune, "Mac the Knife".

Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear,

And it sure is pearly white.

Just a jack-knife Has old MacHeath, babe,

And he keeps it Out of sight...

MR CLOCKERTY: I know it's a nightmare. You don't have to tell me.

Those arenae sprouts, are they?

A huge knife whizzed past my face and plunged into Vincent.

You'll have to pay her for this gig. I'm NOT doing it. She'll get paid.

I don't want paid. Aye, she does.

Don't say things like that to him. Your coat isnae real camel hair.

I'm not doing it. You are. I thought you were under sedation. I'm not. You are.

Did you tell them you were here on your second honeymoon? Those arenae sprouts, are they?

Now, will you believe me?

They ARE sprouts.

Gonna shut the door? It's freezin'. Has it started, yet?

Any second now.

Look what TV did for Nixon. You, at least, were shaved. For all the good it'll do me.

CHANNEL 4 IDENT. Dammit!

'..our published programme, "Rockin' Through the Rye" may be shown at a later date.' What?!

'It's time to join those likeable loons, Jim and Dick in "The Beechgrove Garden".'

A reprieve.

Och, that's lousy. I was looking forward to you making a right pig's ear of it, Mr Clockerty.

That is really lousy.

INTRO TO "LOVE IS STRANGE"

Love is...

Love is strange. Yeah-eah-eah.

Lots of people Take it for a game...

Love is strange.

Love is stra-a-ange.

Hey, Danny. Yes, Fud?

How do you call your baby home? If I wanted her back real bad,

I'd call her something like this...

Ba-by...

My sweet ba-by...

My sweet ba-a-aby...

Plea-ease come on ho-o-o-me.

Yeah, I guess that ought to do it.

I'm still going home tomorrow, as long as you realise that. Yes.

People...don't understand.

No-o-o.

They think love is... Money in the hand.

Your sweet loving... Is better than a kiss.

Yea-eah.

The way that you love me, Sweet kisses I miss.

Love is stra-a-ange.

Love is stra-a-a-ange.

Love is stra-a-a-a-ange.

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Awop boppa-loo-bop, AH-OO!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Awop boppa-loo-bop, awop bam boom!

I've got a girl named Sue, She knows just what to do!

I've got a girl named Sue, She knows just what to do!

She rocks to the east, She rocks to the west,

But she's the girl that I love best!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Awop boppa-loo-bop awop bam boom!

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