Original subtitles

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh-hhh, Rudy Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Awop boppa-loo-bop, alop-bam-bom!

I've got a gal named Sue She knows just what to do

I've got a g-a-a-al named Sue She knows just what to do

She rock to the east She rock to the west

But she's the girl That I love best

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Tutti Frutti-i-i-i, oh, Rudy Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Awop-boppa-loo bop Alop-bam-boom!

BING CROSBY SINGS: Oh, how h-a-a-a-a-ppy I would be

Where the blu-u-u-u-u-ue Of the night

Meets the g-o-o-o-o-o-old Of the day

Someone

Waits

For me-e-e-e-e-e-e...

DANNY SNORES

BING WHISTLES

WHISTLES ALONG

Huh? It's ten minutes to. Come on, Danny boy, we're late.

Who let YOU in? Did you crawl in? I've got your piano to pick up.

Ohhhhhhhh!

Never believe that fried dumpling's an aphrodisiac.

Chuck us them bags, will you?

Haw, Kettles! You no up yet? If you mean the doll, she's left.

No prune juice, no?

Thank God! I can't stand gazing at myself in a tumblerful of prune juice!

Is that my good shirt?

TAPE PLAYS, THEN GRINDS TO A HALT

VINCENT STRUMS ON GUITAR

Do the older two no get jealous? No really. Joseph sometimes hides their dummies...

but apart from that...

Are you in tune wi' him?

You and Christine are no getting younger.

What's the third-degree for?

I remember you saying "So what?" when Christine had them.

How come the sudden interest?

Eh?

I'm interested.

That's funny. You weren't before.

You said you couldn't be Godfather 'cos you were going to buy shoes

that day! I had to ask Fud.

Eh? See!

You asked HIM first? He asked me, 'cos you were up getting drinks at the time.

Is that right? Why would I want to be Godfather?

You have to renounce the Devil!

CLATTER

That's hurtful. As hurtful as him no doing it 'cos he's buying shoes?

If you must know, AYE! Oh, GOD! You've been Godparent to our kids.

We never dreamt of asking Vincent. Thanks a bloody lot!

BABY CRIES Oh-oh!

You'd have them putting on lines before nursery!

Hold it! He's playing bum notes.

BABY HOWLS I knew it. Put the kettle on. I'll have coffee.

It's not FOR coffee. It's for the twins' bottles.

Uncle Frank's putting the kettle on!

BABY CRIES PITIFULLY

Go on, Fud. That's heartbreaking.

I'm going! I'm going!

BOTH BABIES CRY

I'm coming! I'm coming!

We'll trade that one in and get you a bigger one.

I don't want a bigger girlfriend. A bigger KEYBOARD. Oh!

Ask the girlfriend to come in. She must be bored sitting there.

She doesn't want to come in.

Going to hurry up wi' the coffee? What's Bomba's sister saying to it?

You no told her? You're no serious?

You and her were trying to adopt.

That was a long time ago. I thought you might tell her.

It IS yours.

Aye, but no HERS. You might think about it. I would, if I was you.

Sufferin' God! I can see her face!

"Noreen, I got this bird pregnant. But when it arrives, YOU sign the adoption papers." Good (!)

How're you doing? I'm sterilising their bottles!

Think they'll want a rusk wi' it?

A what? Farley's rusk. Ours were daft aboot them.

I enjoyed them myself!

What are you hoping for?

I WAS hoping for a cup of coffee.

Gie's a chance. I've only known since last week.

Wait till you've had seven boys! I'd gie them ALL for a wee lassie!

YOU ask.

YOU ask. I'm no asking. YOU ask.

Here!

Excuse me!

EXCUSE ME!

Yes?

Ye aren't, are ye? No. See! I telt ye!

Gauny sign this for us anyhow?

This is the Jubilee Tour practice!

Where the hell IS this guy?

Can I make a bigger hole in their dummies for a rusk to get through?

What are you saying? The RUSKS!

The WHAT? The RUSKS!

GOD!

I found a corkscrew! Stop shouting, Vincent.

Just a rusk in Wanda's. The boy will only spit his oot.

Get up a minute.

If he's no here by 12, I'm off.

What are you looking for?

You'll get a lot of that kind of attention with the Majestics.

No, no, don't you help me (!) Save your strength for the tour.

First 3 nights, you live in hotels. It's part of the deal with Carntyne Promotions.

After that, it's Eddie's shout.

You don't lug nothing, I handle all the gear.

If you want cash - ask Eddie - no me.

FUD: Is it Pittenweem?

Naw! It's Cow & Gate.

The first gig of the tour, is it Pittenweem?

Why do you want to know?

My old dear went to live there with her sister when Uncle Frew died.

I'll let her know we're coming.

Your uncle WHAT ? Frew.

As in "Frew the glass" - he wis a window cleaner.

BABIES HOWL Cool it, you guys!

The joys of parenthood. You're well aff.

You didn't touch a packet of fags, did you?

Methil. Is that Serbo-Croat for "Aye"?

Oh, you mean, MENTHOL? Naw, just Embassy tipped. It's not Pittenweem, it's METHIL.

If Noreen leaves you...

ask Fud to marry you. He's a born housewife, the boy!

Aww!

See the tribute to the big guy in the Melody Maker? Naw.

Nothing very special. "The late guitarist/vocalist

"will be replaced by his younger brother, Danny,

"on keyboards, when the Majestics hit the road." Bloody PIANO!

Don't forget to break their wind! Mrs Mills and the Majestics. Bloody brilliant (!)

Did you get that free wi' petrol ? It's an anniversary present

from the bird.

You said he wanted a rusk. He's just spat it all over me!

I'll get a light aff the cooker. A ninth WEEK anniversary present!

Majestics twenty-fifth! Aay-aa!

How're you getting back, Vinnie? Back where?

To wherever you're parking your toothbrush.

What if Danny don't show up? It's nearly 12.

I'll drop Glenna off first.

Then I'll pick Noreen up. That'll really surprise her.

'Specially if you've no got a motor. Eh?

Must have got browned off. What?

She could have given the twins their elevenses.

Fond of kids, is she (?)

What album? Eddie never mentioned an album.

You mean, like you buy?

"The first twenty-five years." Cliff done his recently.

Wonder where SHE'S off to in such a hurry? Who?

Vincent's bird. She just passed us.

Probably rushing to get her order in for the album (!)

What happened to the wee fella's nose?

Wanda's cutting her front teeth.

Want to see if Dennis turns up wi' Danny?

Or do you just want to chuck it? What an attitude!

Fud?

Just pack it, eh? Might as well. Ma water blister's are coming back. Look.

What do you want to watch? Open University or the golf?

Get that off!

We've got six days before we hit Methil. SIX DAYS.

Stop coming it! Five minutes ago you were going to drop the bird off and pick up Noreen!

"Six days till we hit Methil"!

And then it's Pittenweem.

Followed by 23 other dates before we make a go for it...

at the Glasgow Pavilion!

Tell me something, Fud... them kids...the ones you've been

stuffing full of Cow & Gate...

What about them?

Tell the boy here... who do they look like?

Go on. Tell him. One another. They're twins.

Aye. Fine.

Who ELSE do they look like?

Tell Vincent, there. Who else?

Let me think... For Gawd's sake! ME, ya eejit!

There's a funny thing... SHUT UP !

What I'm trying to establish...

is that they're mines...

and THIS is MY house.

Right? Right.

Then what is HE turning aff the TV set in MY house for?

Here... Get that OFF.

Well ? DOORBELL RINGS LEAVE IT !

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

AND AGAIN !

Bet they're all watching TV.

Come on! This is getting heavy.

It's Sparky and his Magic Piano, and Sparky is getting upset.

That should do the trick. CRASH!

See? What in the name of...?

EDDIE: Any tighter and they'd be a solo act!

I can't wait to get started.

Listen, I believe you've a contact who can get black vinyl.

Is that right?

JANICE: Don't ask me to do that again!

No, Tommy. Not for rainwear. I'm talking about RAW VINYL.

I got you an extra week's grace.

After that, you're getting prosecuted. What other colours are there?

Probably won't get a tax rebate!

When you say "grey", do you mean GREY ?

No, no. Grey's fine. How much for a hundredweight?

This was all because you were late.

That's right, blame ME ! HE chucked the guitar through the window...

AND fused the lights. This is MY house.

If I want to fuse the lights, I'll fuse the bloody lights.

Some practice! There's only six days to go before we hit Methil.

SIX DAYS. Steady, Bomba. You're still on probation.

Any luck, Dennis? Think I've located the problem.

Aagh!

Probation? I've signed a contract.

Ha! Hear that? Signed a contract. Ha!

What do you mean, "Ha"? Aaagh!

Amazing, Dennis. What did you do wrong? What do you mean, "Ha!"?

COOKERY PROGRAMME ON TV

I'll plug in the piano for you. Aye, fine.

CARN HORN BLASTS OUTSIDE

That's your taxi, Vincent.

COOKERY PROGRAMME CONTINUES

DELIA SMITH: And I've got half an onion, chopped small...

'and sweated in butter...' What am I DOING ?

I didn't come over here just to watch Delia Smith stuff her capers!

TURNS TV OFF Oh-oh!

Vincent!

RAISED VOICES FROM BELOW

What? I...think...that's...your...taxi.

BOMBA: I say when the TV goes off!

OK ? Right!

I'll give you the recipe!

SUZI: I can't say, "I'm off for a month. Keep my job open."

It's not on. Why not?

Because I'm a cocktail waitress

with responsibility for two stations.

Not a 29-year-old groupie!

Glenna's going.

Bully for Glenna.

Who the hell's GLENNA?

Vincent's girlfriend. You met her at Big Jazza's benefit gig.

Remember? Bacardi and babycham? That's her.

Good grief! She's about fourteen.

I thought he was married. He is.

His wife's a Green Lady.

Like in Tretchikoff? No. Like in District Nurse.

What's he doing with a girlfriend?

Or am I being boringly "Home Counties"?

No. I find it morally wrong.

They don't have Green Ladies now.

Well, whatever the equivalent is.

She drives round the hamlets with pills and pamphlets.

You should have asked her for ointment for your lip.

Is it painful when you laugh?

I don't know. I've not had much to laugh at.

What about putting your hand in the chip pan? I wasn't laughing.

LAUGHING Neither you were!

Aye, go on. Go on!

LAUGHING EVEN MORE Sorry!

You'll wet that bed and then we'll BOTH be sorry.

Chuck it. It wasn't THAT funny.

God it WAS, believe me, Danny!

Oh, God! Why are women so tickled by guys' misfortunes?

This could affect my new career, ya heartless bitch!

Don't! Sorry.

It was the look on your face!

SHE LAUGHS AGAIN Sorry!

Here.

What do you say? There's tons of room in the wagon.

Or you can go with Glenna in Vincent's motor.

They're not all taking their wives and girlfriends? Don't be stupid.

It would just be me and the 14-year-old.

Stop calling her FOURTEEN.

She's a grown woman. An expectant mother, for God's sake! The rotten sod.

And his wife's stuck at home with the kids? They've no kids. Something up with her tubes.

Makes it worse! I don't suppose she knows about Lolita, does she?

You're kidding! She'd KILL him. If she finds out, she'll kill the lot of us for keeping quiet.

So would I. You're a despicable bunch.

Don't lump me in with Vincent.

I admire him even less than YOU do.

Sorry. He can't get the chords of "Sweet Little Sixteen" right.

And he's got the BOOK ! That's right!

Make a joke of it! What have I said NOW ? What have you NOT said?

I was asking you to come along.

It's no going to be sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll, more a family outing.

Aw, Suzi! I leave in the morning. You said if I was good I could get into bed.

I'll not squeal if you roll onto my sore hand.

Why do you keep getting embroiled with these jerks, Kettles?

Su-z-z-z-z-z-z-i !

Goodnight, Danny!

What do you mean, "Goodnight, Danny"?

I'm waiting!

It wasn't like this...

when the boys were off to Flanders.

Even nice girls did a bit of rumpy-pumpy!

Aw! GOD !

DENNIS: If the motor packs up, I'm no stopping.

Guess what Eddie ordered last night in this Greek dive!

What? KEBABS !

Word of honour!

Kebabs! So? KEBABS, Vincent.

What's up wi' kebabs?

KEBABS.

Talk about bad taste! No offence, Danny.

What's up? What?

Just wondered why you were poking me in the back.

She's still tailing us.

She's still tailing us! I heard you.

Teresa was saying she's no seen you since the funeral.

She was there, wi' Eddie. Wondered how you were getting on.

I think he's talking to YOU.

Oh?

She's still got Jazza's clobber. She showed us a beautiful suit when we dropped her off.

It's going to waste. I don't need clobber.

Mind that suit, Bomba? The big man wore it to Joseph's confirmation. Beautiful suit!

She said you can have it.

I must get Noreen to drop by for a blether with her.

She could take her some pamphlets. What's he saying? "First Aid for the Recently Bereaved."

And you talk about EDDIE'S bad taste!

Is that what you're wearing, Miss Toner?

Yeah. What's up with it? It's...eh...very eye-catching.

Oh, good. Is that us, then?

Don't you want to take a coat? If it's your pals you're bothered about, don't.

I'll be tucked up in my bed wi' a good book.

I'll no be bopping to a bunch of has-beens wi' somebody old enough to be my grandfather!

Don't forget your parcel.

Eddie, what are you doing?!

Come on, Mr Clockerty, we'll miss the train.

She's still following us. Shake her off at the next roundabout.

What are you laughing at? Nothing.

Same running order tonight? Aye.

As soon as they fling coal at us, I run off, then you, then Fud.

I'm not sure how he can cope with left hand rolls.

How could a piano player stick his fist in hot fat?!

Especially when he has a try-out with a top touring band.

Quit talking about "try-outs".

Even Fud's done nothing THAT stupid.

It was an ACCIDENT. Really? I thought you'd done it on purpose.

What would I do THAT for? That's what I'm asking myself.

If you must know, I was leaning over the chip pan,

when my front tooth fell out.

Naturally, I tried to retrieve it before it contaminated the chips.

One more remark from you and your kisser's going through that windscreen!

And any more remarks about my sister-in-law, kebabs

or suits, and you're joining him!

Somebody mention kebabs again? Aaaaaaagh!

EDDIE: That...is...STUNNING !

Pass me some pins, hen.

How does the chassis feel? A trifle roomy.

We'll soon have that rectified.

Pins, Janice. Goin' to no grip that so tight? Janice!

You never asked me to bring any pins. There are certain things you take for granted.

Hold on to this, will you? Tch!

Not too roomy under the oxsters? Quite the reverse.

Owwwwwww!

I thought this was supposed to be a holiday.

Did you have a pleasant journey? Nice lads...

Do you mind? Do I mind what?

Standing here holding your bum when I could be in the bar?

What do YOU think? Pay no attention. She's getting her jotters. Try it!

What IS this stuff? Bacofoil ?

52 quid a metre! We had it made for the big chap.

Shame he never got to try it on. Oh, aye (!)

You know what this is? A hotel. Don't be funny. You know.

Do I ? Blackmail, Glenna. That's what it is - blackmail.

It's an ugly word "blackmail", isn't it? Keep your voice down!

I should never have trusted you.

What do I know about the pill ? Noreen and me never had to think about precautions.

Keep your voice down! You're going home!

Home! Right? Right! Right!

You'll be wanting me to hold doors open for you next!

This is the 20th century!

You're not on! I'll go and ask.

You do and I'll... You'll WHAT ? You'll WHAT ?

Just try it, Vincent Diver! Try it!

Keep your voice down. I'll go.

Just remember, nobody asked you to come.

Life on the road is rough!

Not every place does afternoon tea!

Sit down and let's forget it.

Vincent. What? Sit down, I said.

I'm going to get you bloody afternoon tea.

First you want it, then you don't! Make your mind up, Glenna.

Sit down. Stop working yourself up.

I don't WANT you to ask them.

I'LL ask them. Ask them! Ask them!

But they don't DO afternoon tea! Get that through your thick skull.

I'm going HOME ! Too right!

Why are you such a pig to me?

They're in here!

We've just ordered afternoon tea. Surprised you made it in that old banger.

Just been doon the Welfare Club.

You know we're no top of the bill ?

Just saying we're no headlining this gig. Hope we're getting sandwiches.

Where's the big fella?

When are you heading back?

No headlining?! Vincent says you sing. Right?

Noreen's got a fair set of pipes. Who IS topping the bill ?

He came to our place when they were winching.

Tell us! My old man had a Grundig. Ask Bomba!

What's this about us no headlining the bill ?

Aw, that? Ask Fud. He'll tell you. He'll be in the toilets.

I'm going upstairs.

Haw! I thought you wanted afternoon tea!

Don't worry, Vinnie. I'll eat for TWO.

What do you suggest we do with it? Make it into hankies? It wouldn't make hankies.

Sandpaper!

It'll look wonderful under the lights.

If you don't upstage...

How are the trousers, Miss Toner?

Upstage WHO ?

Upstage WHO, Eddie?

Sorry. You said, "If you don't upstage...", then you stopped.

Did I ? You DID. You did, Mr Clockerty.

He means the top of the bill.

Eh?

Where's that timetable? You're on the next train, m'girl.

Eddie!

Our Silver Jubilee Tour... and we're supporting WHO ?

Have a French cake. No! Have you spoken to Eddie?

He doesn't like French cakes.

Him and that we creep Cairns are to blame.

We're no here to discuss who's top of the bill, we're here to discuss the girlfriend.

25 years in the business and we've to play second fiddle to...

EXASPERATED SIGHS

What did you say?

We're discussing the GIRLFRIEND. What's her name? Glenda.

Glenna. Double N, A. Get it right!

What about her?

You're a bastard, Diver. I never knew nothing about it.

You're nearly forty five.

Getting a school lassie pregnant!

Pick them cookies up, Fud.

She's twenty three. Shut your face.

What'll Noreen say when she finds out?

How's SHE going to find out? You going to tell her?

Listen, Vincent, having a bit on the side is one thing,

but when you go and do the real dirty on my young sister,

who cannae have any kids... Get stuffed! Dump her, Diver!

I'd get shot of her, if I was you.

Will I hell ! I asked her to come on this tour.

An' she's coming - all the way.

Sort things out, or I'LL sort them out for ye!

My braces! You've torn them off.

I'll tear off something else next time.

Something Noreen should have torn off a long time ago!

Get rid of the bird, and you might get to keep it.

Otherwise...

Away tae hell.

Sound check in 20 minutes. You tell her. Right?

Da-ra! Well, what do you think?

What's up wi' HIS face?

I've just been told that we're second on the bill...

Is there a dog in here? French poodle. Here.

After what happened? Nothing happened. A ding-dong about afternoon tea, that's all.

You're staying. I'm not. Aye.

I'm not. Get your hands off my good stuff.

Look...eh...I'm sorry. You're not the only one.

Ouch-a!

Hell mend you.

I'm sorry I got mixed up with the likes of you.

Out of my road. Glenna! Don't Glenna me!

I should never have come. You warned me, all right!

Get off!

I should never have been so stupid as to think you'd be happy

for me to string along.

You know what YOU are, don't you?

A tenth-rate guitar player and a first-rate bully!

I don't know how your wife puts up with you.

Glenna... Glenna...

I'm leaving. No, you're not.

I've got the car keys.

I'll get a train. I don't need your car.

The cassette player doesn't work!

Are you going to let me out? Nope.

Right!

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH !

AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH ! Stop that!

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH !

AAGH! You going to let me out?

Look at that! You've drawn blood.

Serves you right! Mind my clothes.

Ohhhhhhhhhh.

Och! Quit acting it.

That is PATHETIC.

Don't think you'll get me to change my mind.

I've seen better acting on Australian soaps.

If you want to phone me, it's up to you. I might be in, I might not.

Och! Get up. You'll get filthy off that carpet.

Bye, Vincent. Not "so long", but GOODBYE.

Did you hear me? I said goodbye.

Vincent?

Vincent?

Gotcha!

PIERCING SCREAMS Who's doing that?

Going to cut that out?

I'm trying tae listen tae "The Magic Flute".

SCREAMS SUBSIDE Thanks.

What's happened to Vincent?

FUD: Maybe him and the bird beat it.

DENNIS: Naw, his motor's still in the hotel car park.

Why would he no open his door? Ma knuckles are skint.

Maybe he was busy!

Vincent was looking put-out.

I can't blame him. Some Jubilee Tour this is!

I feel like a balloon now.

Didn't matter WHERE on the bill

the Majestics were going to be... you'd ALWAYS look a balloon.

How're we doing, Dennis? Give me a minute, eh?

I reckon we should have a serious talk with Eddie.

This isn't how it appeared in the literature. Forget it.

The only time we talked to Eddie, we handed back our wages!

DENNIS: Talk about hard luck stories!

It's never Eddie's fault. He'll blame Tommy Cairns in Carntyne Promotions for this.

He's still blames Cairns for oor only hit single. How's that?

He says if Tommy hadn't bought a' his copies in the one shop,

it would have went higher up the charts. What did you say?

You're no telling me...?

There weren't enough mugs going out of their way to snap up

the Majestics first single, so...

I'm shattered. Do you mean... Set wee Tommy back four and a half grand.

An' I thought that the Majestics had a top twenty hit. We did!

Number seven in the NME charts.

I've just had the most horrendous flashback...

Ma poor old Maw running down to the Co-operative

wi' the page torn out the paper to show the butcher!

The embarrassment!

She even showed the doctor.

"An' you said James was a diabetic."

Got us on telly. Two years later.

When we brung out our follow-up. I remember. Half the street was in, glued to the TV.

What was it Lennon said to you, Dennis?

About the Majestics? "If it hadn't been for the Majestics,

"me and Paul would have worked in an office."

There you go! Me and the wife bumped into him and

Yoko in Toronto.

The Majestics were role models. Right, Fud? I'm still no getting anything, Dennis.

Meatloaf's a watered-down version of the big fella. Jazza used to bite the heids aff weans!

And that was BEFORE the gig!

Eddie's been holding us back for years. Him and Cairns.

Big Jazza going didn't help matters, We were going to peak again.

I was getting that feeling.

He should have held off getting killed for a few months, until you had another hit.

He had a shaky sense of timing. Och! I didn't mean THAT !

Don't go bitter on us. I only meant it didn't help.

I thought this was supposed to be a sound check, you?

Was it "Ready, Steady, Go" we were on? Aye. Jazza got a date wi' Cathy McGowan.

But Vincent told her the big man was a dope fiend...

and she gave him a dizzy!

Dennis, ma bum's getting sore!

What was the number we done? Don't tell me you don't remember!

OPENING BARS OF "PROMISED LAND"

Left my home in Norfolk, Virginia California on my mind

Straddled the Greyhound Rolling out of Raleigh Up across Caroline

Stopped in Charlotte and by-passed Rockhill

Never was a minute late

90 miles out of Alabama Heading for Georgia State

We're heading for some trouble Half way across Alabam

I left my doll sinning In downtown Birmingham

GUITAR RIFF

Coming down easy Had to put the terminals on

Cut your engines And cool your wings And let me make it to a telephone

Tell the folks back home This is the promised land calling

And a poor boy is on the line !

Ye-e-e-e-eh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Get some electricity into this.

I'm no getting anything either, Dennis.

This piano's sapping the voltage.

Where's Vincent? He's got the book for it. Will I get him?

Naw! I don't want to see him.

What's he done? Do you no know about it either?

About her being pregnant? I just heard.

Try that.

KEYBOARD IS NOW OPERATIONAL

If it blows up, don't blame me, blame Vincent!

TWELVE BAR BLUES NUMBER

OK, then. I'll stay.

Naw, naw, Glenna, honey. If you want to go back, you go.

I'll only go if you want me to go.

Never let it be said that I was the one who wanted you to go back.

OK, then. I'll stay.

Don't let me pressurise you.

If you want to go home, you go.

But I don't want to go.

I want to be with you, Vincent.

Yeah, I know.

I just want what you want.

If you want to stay, great. But if you want to get back... I just told you. What?

I want to be with YOU. That's what you want, isn't it?

Isn't it, Vincent? Eh?

Sure. Sure, I do.

I love you.

I love you.

God! Is that the time?

I'll have to go! What?

Yeah, I know. Me, too, babe.

I told you what Clockerty's like.

If I'm no there to oversee the sound checks, he goes spare!

Starts talking about docking wages...

They're such a bunch of puddin's.

It was bad enough when Big Jazza was with us.

So, you're going? I'm WHAT ?! That's what we agreed.

Put your sweet lips A little closer to the phone

Let's pretend that we're together

All alone

I'll ask the man

To turn the jukebox Way down low...

I can't stand this any more!

Got any tens? I want to catch Kettles before she goes to work.

I was enjoying that! I've only got one...

One's plenty. I just want to tell her I'm crazy about her!

FUD: I was quite enjoying that. Tch!

TELEPHONE RINGS Oh!

RING

Yes?

Oh, it's you.

I thought it might have been somebody else. Sorry, Jerry.

No.

No. Tonight's fine. What time would you like?

Nine o'clock's fine.

Yeah. Sure.

Right. Bye.

I must be off my head, doing this.

It's not as if you're a teenage groupie, Kettles!

ENGAGED TONE

JAZZED-UP VERSION OF RUSSIAN MARCH FROM "THE NUTCRACKER"

Excuse me, are you Mr McJestick? There's a call for you.

Hello, caller, I'm putting you through now.

Over there. Sure it's for me? Don't be long. That's the taxi phone.

Hello?

Naw, this is Vincent. Who?

Hello? Naw! VINCENT.

Diver.

Is that you, Noreen?

Who?

Oh, HIM.

Aye, if I see him.

What did you say your name was?

You're jokin'!

You want to change that. I certainly would!

Aye, aye. I've got that. He's got your number, has he?

Sure. I'll tell him.

Listen, Sadie, has anyone ever...

What?

Sorry. SUZI.

Has anyone ever told you what a sexy voice you've got?

Well, I'M telling you.

What do you say you and me...

Hello? Hello?

Dolls! Who needs them?

SHE DIALS AGAIN

Why are you doing this?

If he's going to phone you, he'll phone you.

ENGAGED TONE Dammit!

What is it wi' jugglers? 20 minutes I've been queuing for the phone. He's STILL talking.

She never phoned YOU, did she?

That's true. Take my advice... get yourself a hobby.

Where's the other two?

Bomba's getting a shirt pressed and Vincent's being sick. I'm no the only nervous one.

He's no nervous, he's just being sick! Give me a fag.

Who are we on after? The ventriloquist with the lifelike dummy, Fiona.

I was trying to chat her up!

Get to know the backstage staff.

How's it going? Don't tell us you're nervous. ME ? You must be joking!

Then I'd light that from the other end!

You're...eh...definitely wearing that suit?

It's the only one I've got.

Explain that at the start.

Vincent still no here?

He's being sick. Always is before a gig. Och! It's an affectation.

Two minutes! Where's Vincent? Being sick!

Don't say that with such relish. That's the juggler off the phone. Too late!

I've got two minutes. Where's the 10p ?

Danny, check my collar's up at the back.

Funny (!) Where's my phone money?

ON !

COMPERE: Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous MAJESTICS !

Don't touch the middle mike! Two...three...four!

Ridin' along in my automobile

My baby beside me at the wheel

I stole a kiss At the turn of a mile...

Where's the big guy?

They might not have liked HIM, but they dug the outfit!

There ye go, Vince.

She got off all right, the bird?

Cheers!

D'you want a refill, Fud?

PHONE RINGS OUT

...o'er the hills tae Gallowa'...

And we're gangin' o'er the hills tae Gallowa'.

Ach! Tae hell !

PLAYS LAMENT ON ACCORDION

Told you it would look fabulous under the lights, didn't I ?

What is it wi' dolls?

Now you're asking, Danny, son.

The very first night I met her

She was awfy awfy shy The rain came poorin' doon But she was happy, so was I

We ran like mad for shelter We landed up a stair Rain was poorin' oot ma breeks

But, och! I didnae care For she's a fine wee lass,

Is bonnie wee Jeannie McColl

I met her at a weddin' In the co-operative hall

I was the best man An' she was the belle of the ball...

THEY STRIKE UP A NEW SONG

Strolling through the green fields On a summer's day...

I forget to tell the big guy.

What? Nothing.

It'll keep.

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh-h, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh-h-h-h, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Awop-bap-aloo-bop Awwwww-ooooooo !

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh-h, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Awop-ba-ba-loo-bop Alop-bam-bam

Got a gal named Sue She knows just what to do

Got a ga-a-al named Sue She knows just what to do

She rock to the east She rock to the west

She's the gal that I love best

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Awop-ba-ba-loo-boop Alop-bam-boom!

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