Original subtitles

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

A whop bop b-luma b-lop bam bom!

I got a girl named Sue She knows just what to do

I've got a girl named Sue She knows just what to do!

She rock to the east, She rock to the west,

But she's the girl that I love best

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

A whop bop-b-luma b-lop bam boom!

Out of the depths I have cried to Thee, O Lord. Lord, hear my voice.

Let Thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplication,

If Thou, O Lord, shall mark my iniquities,

Lord, who shall endure it?

For with Thee there is merciful forgiveness.

And by reason of Thy law, I have waited for Thee, O Lord.

My soul hath relied upon his Word, my soul hath hoped in the Lord.

From morning watch even until night, let Israel hope in the Lord.

Because with the Lord, there is mercy,

and with him, plentiful redemption.

And He shall redeem Israel from all its iniquities.

UNDERTAKER: Number four?

Number two?

Number three?

And number five?

DRIVER: Oh!

£8.40.

SOFTLY: You wouldn't mind if Danny came and took your place here?

It has pleased Almighty God to call our brother

from this life to Himself.

Accordingly, we commit his body to the earth whence it came.

Since Christ the first fruits of the dead have risen again

and will refashion our frail body

in the pattern of his glorious risen body,

we commend our brother to the Lord.

Let us pray for our brother to the Lord Jesus Christ who said,

"I am the Resurrection and the Life.

"He who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.

"And whoever believes in me shall never die."

We beg you, Lord, who wept over the dead Lazarus,

to wipe away the tears from our eyes.

Lord, hear us. ALL: Lord, graciously hear us.

We ask you, Lord, who recall the dead to life,

to grant eternal life to this, our brother.

Lord, hear us. Lord, graciously hear us.

We call upon you who promised paradise to the repentant thief,

to bring this brother of ours to heaven.

Bring our brother, nourished by the sacred food of your own body

and blood to the banquet of your kingdom.

Lord, hear us. Lord, graciously hear us.

Show us your mercy, Lord, to this departed servant of yours,

and as he was united in the true faith with all your faithful people,

let him now by your loving goodness be united with the angelic throng,

through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Hail, Mary, full of Grace. The Lord is with Thee.

Blessed are Thou among women

and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus.

MUMBLING ALONG: Holy Mary, Mother of God,

pray for us sinners now in the hour of our death. Amen.

Rock it up!

Gonna rip it up...

Dust you are, and to dust you shall return.

Gonna break it up...

Eternal rest grant to him, O Lord.

Gonna rock it up Gonna rock tonight.

May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed

by the mercy of God rest in peace.

Amen.

SOBBING

Come away.

Now, there are just three steps to heaven...

Wah, wah, ooh...

Just wish, and you will plainly see

That as life travels on

And things do go wrong

Just follow... Three steps to heaven

Steps one, two and three

Ooh, wah, wah, ooh

Step one, you find a girl to love

Step two, she falls in love with you

Step three, you kiss and hold her tightly

Yeah, that sure

Seems like heaven to me. Ooh, wah, wah, ooh

The formula for heaven's very simple

Wah, wah, ooh.

Just follow the routes and you will see

And as life travels on, and things, they do go wrong,

Just follow... Three steps to heaven

Steps one, two and three. Ooh, wah, wah, ooh

Ooh, just follow... Three steps to heaven

Steps one, two and three. Ooh, wah, wah, ooh.

Aye, he was well liked, your brother.

On the other hand, there was a lot of people didnae like him.

So, how you been since we last seen you?

Be your old dear's funeral, wasn't it?

Better watch out it doesnae become a habit, eh?

When was that again? '77?

'78. That's right.

I remember Eddie breakin' the news to the big fella.

Cowdenbeath, it was, right in the middle of Alright Mama.

No kiddin'. Straight up.

Strolled on stage right in the middle of the boy's big number.

Never even took his hat off.

Did you get a load of him with your sister-in-law?

Bring me your poor, your sick, your bereaved...

So you've been doing your artist over there?

Aye, some town, New York, eh?

The wife and I were there at Easter.

A cousin of hers put us up.

He runs a fish shop on Christopher Street, this fella.

Don't know if you've ever been inside a gay fish shop?

You're no' saying much, Danny Boy.

I was thinking about Jazza.

I don't know if you noticed, but that was him we buried back there.

Hey, come on! I worked for the guy for the past 18 years.

I'm just as choked as you are. Oh, yeah?

Yeah! It's the just luck of the game.

If he hadn't jumped into Eddie's motor to go for kebabs,

it'd have been one of the other Majestics, right?

Thanks. That's very comforting.

Look at it this way - Fud's got seven kids, Bomba's got four.

Vincent's got the rent on two houses to pay.

Is that supposed to make some kind of sense? Fortunately, the big fella

was the only one that wasnae too pissed

to get the keys into the ignition.

God Almighty, it could've been yours truly that copped it,

only I was dismantling the stage gear.

Nobody asked me if I wanted a kebab.

Shut up! Dennis.

The name's Dennis, in case you forgot. Fine. Shut up, Dennis.

BRAKES SCREECH

You are not talking to one of the roadies

in your Art College bands now, pal, so watch it.

And don't give us that

"Look at me, I've just flew in from the Big Apple

"and I'm that upset about my only brother" crap.

If you were, you'd have worn something more appropriate.

We were laying him to rest, not launching his latest single.

Wait a minute, you... Wait a minute nothing!

I was roadying for his bunch when you were still in short troosers

and a bulldozer haircut.

I know these guys better than I know my own family.

If there's anybody should be vexed at Big Jazza snuffing it,

it's this boy here.

Suffering God, we're gonnae have to cancel the Silver Jubilee tour now!

I don't believe this. 25 years in rock on the 15th of next month,

and your stupid brother has to go and get himself totalled.

I don't know...

Where do you want me to drop you?

Thought we were going to Theresa's. No.

THEY are going to Theresa's.

Good God, he was my brother!

I can surely go back to his house for a few drinks after his funeral?

There are three outfits where blood ties

don't count that much, Danny Boy -

the Magic Circle, the Mafia

and the Majestics.

Now...where did you say you wanted me to drop you?

I'll have a very dry Martini, sweetheart.

Danny?

Danny McGlone?

I thought you were supposed to be in New York. It's me.

Suzi Kettles.

What're you doing here?!

I haven't seen you since Art School.

Good grief, that's about 12 years... No, no, I tell a lie.

I did see you one time in Piccadilly,

but you walked straight past me. I was along with Joyce Quigley.

She's still down there. So, how ARE you? Fine. Fine, aye.

You don't remember me, do you? Aye, course, I do. Er...

What did you say your name was again?

Glasgow School of Art.

You were in third year drawing and painting when I started.

I used to get you in on the subway in the mornings. Suzi Kettles!

You and that pal of yours with the hair down to here

and the banjo case full of bottles.

The pair of you always used to stand on my portfolio.

What was his name again? It was Jim something.

He was a right dirty-looking individual. Abernethy.

That's him. He was in here last month with a big redhead.

Apparently he's in TV now.

His aftershave made everybody's eyes water.

He said you were making a go of it across there. Is that right?

I seem to remember you were a dog at Art School.

Suzi Kettles, are you sure?

You haven't changed at all. What are you doing back in Glasgow?

So, you're no' married or nothing? I dig the outfit.

I'm here for my brother... Oh, yeah. How is he getting on?

I remember you always used to talk about him.

Is he still playing with that band?

You don't hear much about them nowadays.

What was it they called themselves again? The Majestics.

No, he's jacked it in. That's a shame.

Still, if you're not getting anywhere...

Did they not play at an Art School dance one time?

Yeah, they did. They weren't all that hot, were they?

I think I'll have that Martini now, sweetheart.

I remember you trying to dance with Joyce Quigley.

The pair of you were absolutely out of it.

You had on these green trousers...

You going to get us that drink? I could really use it. Sure.

I'll come back and talk to you in a minute. Very dry, wasn't it?

Very. One very dry Martini on the rocks!

You don't want an olive in it, do you? They're foosty.

Easy on the olives, Jerry.

Danny McGlone...

What an ugly-looking big guy.

JANICE: It was dead sad.

I was up all Tuesday night crying my eyes out.

I mean, how am I supposed get into my work now?

It was Mr Clockerty's motor.

Is that the invoices for the Gene Vincent jerkins?

I'm glad I never had to go.

I hate funerals.

D'you ever listen to any of their records?

Not that they made that many.

They were just about to set off on a big tour as well.

500 years in the music business or something.

Still, it's really sad, isn't it?

Did you mention something about another set of books? Yeah.

D'you want me to get them for you? Mm-hm.

What do you take in your coffee?

God...

That's really awful. Yeah.

I much prefer his blue period.

Stop that.

About your James, I mean.

He couldn't have been all that old.

You're never too old to rock. 46, next birthday.

Only there willnae be a next birthday.

C'mon. We'll have a look at the 12th-century crewel work.

That's always good for a laugh.

You're a funny guy, McGlone.

Why? Cos I drink dry Martinis and enjoy looking at embroidery?

You're allowed to be upset.

I'd be upset.

I AM upset.

It's my sister-in-law I feel sorry for.

They've got this discount carpet showroom out at Shawlands.

She'll only get peanuts for that.

And then their bungalow, that will have to go.

What about this manager, then? It was his car, wasn't it?

Didnae even have an MOT.

We're talking about Eddie Clockerty, remember.

Well, she could take him to court.

I certainly would. He shouldnae get off with something like that.

They carried out a PM on Big Jazza.

He was five and a half times over the legal limit.

All Eddie has to do is say that he took it without permission, etc.

He sounds a right slug, this Eddie. No, no.

That's purely conjecture on my part.

For all I know, Eddie's put a couple of thousand in an envelope,

keep Theresa going till she finds herself a job.

Yeah, it sounds like it, doesn't it?

When do you go back to New York?

Who was it tipped them off? That's what I'd like to know.

How strong do you want this beef tea, Mr Clockerty?

Er, what's wee Tommy's new number, Janice? Carntyne Promotions.

Wee Tommy Cairns? The phone book's at your elbow.

Don't be silly, he's ex-directory.

Cairns, Cairns...

How did the funeral go?

Big turn-out, was there? Ah, here it is - Carntyne Promotions.

Why is it listed under D?

For dodgy. There's four Oxo cubes in that.

Shame about the Silver Jubilee tour, eh?

Still, you cannae very well have a rock and roll band

fronted by a stiff, can you?

Well, maybe you can have the next best thing. Pardon?!

Hello, Tommy. Eddie Clockerty.

Listen, we might be able to salvage

the Majestics' Silver Jubilee junket after all...

Why don't you pack an overnight satchel

and come back to the States with me? So you are going back?

Well, I'm no' going to be doing a Greyfriars Bobby,

and going out and sleeping on the grave for 40 years.

Course I'm going back.

I'm practically winching Laurie Anderson over there.

Philip Glass and me's got a couple of projects lined up.

I've got Bob Wilson's phone number!

Think I'd forego all that to stay in this dump?

C'mon, what do you say?

Come back to the big studio with me and I'll dump Laurie.

You'd love it! No, I wouldn't. Aye, you would.

It's a home from home.

Ninth Avenue's just like Sauchiehall Street on Friday night.

The Five-Past Eight Show is playing on Broadway.

And what is Greenwich Village

if it isnae just a bit of the Barrowland

with tackety boots and dighties? You'd love it!

I hated it. Ah, well, you see... Eh?

Among the other exciting things I've done since we last met,

I've had a two-year stint as a stewardess,

flying twice a week, transatlantic out of Prestwick.

Believe me,

New York doesn't hold the same magic for me as it once did.

Should have looked us up. When was this?

It was a lot of fun at first.

But in the end, we just used to jump a cab at JFK

and head straight for the hotel

with our hats pulled down over our eyes.

Ah, well, this is it -

you've got to be out in the streets to get the vibe.

We got the vibe, all right!

You could feel it

coming up through the shagpile carpet on the 69th floor.

Oh, no, not another of these "I was dragged out, mugged

"and personally raped in Manhattan" horror stories. Come on!

There's nothing funny about it, McGlone.

I don't know if you've ever been sexually abused,

had your head sat on and your dental plate stolen,

but it's no laughing matter, I can assure you.

I never even noticed you had a dental plate. Gie's a look. Not me!

It happened to one of the other cabin staff.

Aye, well. Some women give off these signals, eh?

I'm no' saying they deserve it or nothing.

It's just I read this article in the Village Voice...

This happened to a guy.

Eugh!

I thought you were supposed to be intelligent.

I AM intelligent.

Well, for somebody that's intelligent,

you're extremely stupid.

It's a load of guff, all that, and you know it.

Anyhow, the point I'm making us if I want to be murdered,

I'd rather it was on my own doorstep, thanks.

AMERICAN ACCENT: That can easily be arranged, sweetheart.

NORMAL VOICE: OK, so it's a violent town.

What town isnae these days?

I've had more hassles since I came back to Glasgow

than I ever get in my home in 42nd Street.

That's not where you live over there, is it?!

My God. Slap in the thumping heart of the theatre district.

Me and this other guy's got a loft. Loft?

A garret, you mean. No! LOFT.

New York artists don't work in garrets. They rent lofts.

Me and this other guy has got such a loft.

TWINKLY CHIMING TUNE

STOPS ABRUPTLY

You might have put on a clean pair of socks, Francis.

I didn't know I was gonnae be visiting a mosque, did I?

Is this her, do you think?

Wonder how much the big fella ripped them off for this garbage, eh?

I've got a lassie older than this at home.

Suffering God, it's no' even bonded.

It's just stuck down.

You see that, Bomba?

Two houses, Fud!

I mean. even Elvis never had two houses.

Watch you don't spill them, ya dough heid.

D'you want to grab hold of one of them, you guys?

Oh, for goodness' sakes!

One mark on that carpet, and there's gonna be ructions!

No got any Penguins, no?

You were saying, Vincent?

No, it's just that I've been giving myself a great deal

of brain damage over the past couple of days

trying to come up with a candidate, right?

We went through every candidate in the business!

I'm not talking bout just ANYBODY stepping into the big guy's shoes.

That's not what this meeting's about.

Uh-uh.

I mean...it's got to be somebody really special.

We're agreed about that.

No!

Like Fud, I saw the boy after he'd banjoe'd the bus shelter.

Look at it this way...

..it's our silver jubilee, right?

Just supposing... Suppose I'm outside in the motor.

Hold on, I'll get your footwear. Let him get his own footwear.

Just supposing what, Vincent?

Is there not supposed to be some form of underlay with this stuff?

Shut up, O'Donnell! Supposing what, Vincent?

Well...

..just supposing we racked our brains and came up with somebody...

..a bit younger.

Round about Springsteen's age, you mean?

Bit younger than that, even.

Any younger than that, and you're talking about an apprentice, Vinnie.

Hold it. Hold it! It's just struck me...

We are talking about a guy?

Aren't we? We are talking about a GUY, Vincent?

Look at the Pretenders, the Eurythmics...

Grab your biccies, Fud, we're leaving! All big-name bands, Bomba!

It's worth discussing.

Jerry Lee got flung out of this country for having a child bride,

but at least he didnae duet with her on Great Balls Of Fire.

Now, hold on, you guys!

You're spilling your coffee on the good carpet, son.

You don't understand!

This doll is sensational! No kidding.

Ask yourselves, would I try and land us with a bummer? Would I?

I'm telling you, this chick is sensational!

This is a very select neighbourhood, Vincent.

I'd away in before you have every bugger hanging oot their windaes!

Let's go, Dennis. You guys are making a big mistake.

A BIG mistake!

Stupid pigs!

We're on the verge of a come-back.

I can feel it.

Stupid, bloody pigs that they are.

This is romantic, eh?

Argh!

If it's a creepy-crawly, you'll have to kill it yourself.

No, it's my initials.

Ah, your initials frighten you?

What is this? A psychiatric condition? A phobia, hmm?

I've just spotted them.

We used to get a lino-cutting class up here in first year.

Yeah, there's Joyce Quigley's.

Nancy Boyd.

Douglas Ritchie!

And BP. BP... Who was BP?

Mm! I'd almost forgotten how delicioso

the freshly caught local black pudding can be. Brian Poole!

Oh! HE CHOKES

I just remembered his name. It came back to me in a flash.

BP - Brian Poole.

He was a wee chap from Paisley with about five ginger hairs on his chin.

Is that what made you choke?

No. No, it was another Brian Poole.

Brian Poole and the Tremeloes. Jeez, I have nightmares about that guy.

Hold on to this. My good shirt!

How would you like a black pudding coming down your nose?

Do you realise how much I paid for this, ya slob?

Quit moaning! When I'm rich and famous,

I'll buy you a whole department store full of shirts.

HE WHISTLES

Some panorama, eh?

Yeah.

This'll be something like the view

from this 42nd Street loft of yours, right?

Something like it, aye.

Not as high. How high, then?

Three flights.

Three flights? That's practically a basement!

I never said it was swanky or nothing. It's just a workplace.

A place for working.

Who's the guy you share it with?

You said you were sharing it with another guy.

Is he a painter as well?

Er, no. Well...

He's not a painter, exactly.

What then, a writer?

Actor?

Performance artist, what?! How should I know?

Quit asking us stupid questions.

He's a musician, right?

That was always your bent, as I recall. Bent?

Bent?! Yeah. Didn't you get up and do your Eddie Cochran bit

at one of the Christmas hops? Joyce Quigley thought you were a hoot.

He's got something to do with cobbling, if you must know.

Cobbling? Aye, he sells these funny shoes.

Now, shut up about it.

What's he doing sharing an artist's loft for if he sells funny shoes?

It's cheap.

Cheap and nasty and not very clean.

In fact, it's manky, if you want to know.

And you're right, it isnae a loft.

Isnae even a garret. It's a duplex.

Only you cannae get upstairs to the bedroom cos there isnae a staircase.

There's a bedroom, all right, but there isnae a stair.

The room downstairs isn't very big.

Cannae get a big room in New York

unless you've got big bucks and I havenae, all right?

How wee is it? Tiny. About nine feet square.

I sleep in the bed during the day

while the funny shoe salesman pounds the sidewalks

looking for clients with funny feet.

Then, when he comes back, I get up.

There's always four or five junkies hanging around the hallway,

fouling the place up, throwing dirty needles at folk.

Christ... You're frightened to go down to the toilet sometimes.

There's another thing - the toilet.

There's roaches down there the size of your fist.

Sometimes you're terrified to sit on the seat

in case they go for your dangly bits.

Oh, my God! I don't ever want to go back.

Don't make me go back!

Glasgow, I LOVE YOU!

What possessed you to stick it out this long? What is it? Five years?

Seven and a half. Every day a nightmare.

I kept hanging on, hoping I'd get my green card.

Oh, say you'll marry me, Kettles!

We'll invest in a room and kitchen down ther

and bring up the weans as devout parochials.

If I didn't remember you were always this daft,

I'd say you were a headcase, McGlone.

You don't need a green card to paint, do you?

No, but you do to work the piano bars,

if you want the union rates that is. Gie's a hand up.

And that's how you survived out there, is it? Yep.

Seven days a week, midnight till six.

Couple of bills under the counter

and as much cream cheese as you could cram into a chilliburger.

I hate to say this, Kettles, but I'm feeling decidedly peckish.

What?!

So...

..all that stuff about you making it as a painter

was just a pack of lies, then?

It wasnae me that was peddling that fantasy.

That was chum Abernethy, the TV producer, remember?

Come on, let's eat. Have you got any dough?

I'm down to my last $3.14.

You're just after demolishing a black pudding. For God's sake!

A man in love doesn't notice stuff like that.

Where you taking us? That wee bistro

with the low lights and the high fishcakes?

If you must stuff yourself, let's go Greek, OK? Fair do's.

Did you really mean that about wanting to stay? Course I meant it.

I walked into this cocktail bar this morning and met this...

Did you say "Greek" as in kebabs?

You don't fancy kebabs?

No, I'm perfectly partial to kebabs normally, it's just that, erm...

Danny?

Funny, in't it?

20 years, I havenae been able to forgive that big animal

for cutting the neck off the guitar I got for Christmas that time,

but now...

Yeah, there you are. Come on.

What you need is a quiet corner and some decent grub inside you.

Just as long as it isnae kebabs. No kebabs, I promise.

What kind of guitar was it? A nearly-new Hofner President. Oh.

The old dear sold her bedroom suite to get it.

I cannae remember what Big Jazza got for his Christmas that year.

DENNIS: What do you mean, find him?

He could be anywhere in the city.

These aren't the same colour as they were in the window.

It was you that dropped him off.

Do you want me to wrap these for you, sir?

He could be halfway back to bloody New York right now.

I'm not telling you again, Dennis -

arrange for him to busk with the boys first thing in the morning.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do, son,

since there's slight bruising of the fabric just under the crotch here,

I'll let them go for 35. How's that?

Are you still here? All right, all right, I'm going.

Look, have you not got any other pairs I could see?

Miss Toner! I don't think Vincent's going to be too happy about this.

Bugger Vincent.

That's a lovely trouser, that. Miss Toner!

Do you want me to discuss dough with Danny Boy?

These are all bespoke on that rail, son.

As an inducement, I mean, if I find him, that is

Tell you what I'll do - what size of shoe are you? Eddie! 10.5.

These'll stretch. His salary will be commensurate with his talent.

That's all you've got to tell him. Now, vamoose!

100% acetate with 10% added wool. Last you a lifetime.

Janice, are you there?

Will you come down and put this merchandise in a poke for this gent?

I will say it again - Vincent is not gonnae be too happy about this.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

JANICE!

Remind me never to order Chicken Harry Lauder again. Did somebody leave you these in their will?

Oh, my favourite!

I don't see any baking soda.

Would you like some Harpic?

You never said where you were staying in Glasgow

I kept meaning to ask you.

"SINGING THE BLUES" IS PLAYING

Oh, no.

I'll get your jacket. Eh?

Talk about slow on the uptake!

Hang about, Kettles. I'll just bunk down on the old coucherama here.

I fork out twenty-odd quid for a possible dose of botulism,

but I'm expected to provide you with a bed in the bargain?

You're not on. I told you, I'll curl up on the sofa here.

I promise to be very quiet. I'll only go to the toilet in the night if I'm bursting. OUT!

Suppose I confessed to an old football injury and was no longer a threat in that...department.

It's nothing to do with that. It's the presumption!

Presumption? What presumption?

That after all the soft soap I'd be happy to see to your sleeping accommodation...have you here.

You can have me here or next door, it's up to you. I prefer the rug in front of the fire.

Nice and cosy in the bare bott, eh?

That really was a joke, Kettles.

OK, OK, I can take a hint.

Thank you for the Armenian Sea Bass. I shan't quickly forget that.

If you're not out of here in one minute, I'll start screaming. What's got into you, Kettles?

I only want a bit of shut-eye.

I'm so jet-lagged I can't feel the ends of my fingers.

You could wheel Bette Midler, my favourite pin-up of all time,

in here in a see-through, baby-doll siren suit,

and I'd still feel nothing. You have 37 seconds to blow.

It's your hormones, isn't it?

I understand. I've got hormones too. They're not working just now, of course. You're perfectly safe.

Forget about the couch, I'll chuck myself down on the lino

and curl into a ball. I'll only take up about 40 square metres. How's that?

22 seconds.

You bump into this frail in a downtown bar. You don't recall this broad, but she remembers you.

She ain't too terrific looking but maybe it's "Be nice to broads that ain't terrific looking" week.

You shoot the breeze, have a couple of laughs. Pick up dinner in a lousy neighbourhood.

You show this broad a swell time. And what happens? You not away yet?

Let me tell you what happens.

This not-too-terrific-looking broad turns out to be a kook.

Like wacko...like nuts. Right!

Five...four...three...

two...one...

DOOR CLOSES

A-argh! Gable's back and Colbert's got 'im, right?

Aye, I've got her address but it's three o'clock in the morning, Eddie.

What?! Oh, away to hell! I'm away to my bunk.

Aye, all right. But YOU better put Vinnie wise, I'm not doing it.

WHAT?!

Aye, and you.

SLAMS PHONE DOWN

Ya bloody nutter!

KETTLE WHISTLES

God! This is only supposed to happen in the movies. This is ludicrous!

Good morning! Sleep well?

I'm so glad. come on, your breakfast is out.

I trust we're talking about a three minute egg. Gie us a hand.

Out, or I'll turn on the shower. OK, OK, OK!

You're such a crosspatch in the morning.

The offer of marriage is rescinded. Where's my togs?

They're in the living room. Get a move on.

This chap will be here in a minute.

So that's what all that palaver was about last night.

And how I ended up getting relegated to the bath. There's a chap, is there?

That's a relief. Normally, women find me irresistible.

I couldnae get the gist... It's your road manager. Who?!

He's just off the phone. You even gave people my phone number.

I didn't even know you had a phone! You're all totally devious.

C'mon, the sooner you eat up

the sooner you'll be out of here. What's biting you?

We had a nice time yesterday. Did we? Up till the Chicken Harry Lauder, aye, I thought so.

We get back here and you turn into our lady of the Untouchables.

Did you think I'd subject you to sexual harassment?

Squat on your nut and knock your dentures?

Take a good look around you, McGlone. What do you see?

A very pleasant apartment. I'm glad I live here.

Like hell you do. Yeah, we DID have an OK time yesterday but that was it.

A couple of laughs and the short end of a wishbone

does not constitute a contract for you moving in.

Moving in? Is that what you call this?

What you see is ONE of everything:

one mug, one spoon, one bedroom.

Why is there one of everything? You're skint. I live alone...

by myself, nobody else...just me. That's how I like it.

I don't want to share with anybody,

I don't want anybody to share with me, not ever again.

Ah! Now we're getting to the nub of this curious monomania, Kettles.

There's been a guy, hasn't there? Just the one guy...or more?

Eat your breakfast. Don't use all the milk.

I only buy half a pint at a time.

You thought I'd be upset, didn't you?

No, I couldnae expect you to be celibate for 12 years.

You aren't a nun... You aren't, are you?

Shut up. Thank God for that.

Who is this guy? There hasn't been one for some time.

Will you eat up and shut up?

A week? A month? What?

Take a telling, McGlone.

I don't know what possible business it is of yours,

I hardly know you, for heaven's sake. Course you do!

Abernethy said you were crazy about us. Can I have more Weetabix? What?

Another Weetabix, you only gave me the four.

DOORBELL If it's for me, I'm in the shower.

No, you're not. I am. DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

What's up with you now? Suzi! DOORBELL BECOMES INSISTENT I'm coming, I'm coming!

Seven o'clock this morning I gets told.

Seven o'clock! Same here.

Leave it. You'll break it. Here.

That's nice.

Present from the bird.

I hope for your sake this isn't true. What isn't true?

What you talking about? Skip it. Eh?

I haven't decided if I want to join this bunch of pensioners yet. It's not up to you.

It's up to Eddie and the boys.

What is it you play, anyway? Keyboards.

We'll have a job getting you a shoulder strap for a piano!

That's your Majestics numbers,

straight off the original records.

Any key changes you cannae make out, ask Vincent. He's got the book.

So, what other terrific offers have you had? I could have loads of work

waiting for me back in New York. Has that occurred to you?

Save it, Danny boy! Eddie had you checked out.

I'm to drive you back up the office at teatime, if you all hit it off.

Eddie'll have the paperwork ready for you to sign.

I don't have much choice, do I?

Eddie's got an upright. We'll pick you up a second-hand Yamaha when the time comes.

Any questions?

Aye... What are all these hieroglyphics?

PHONE RINGS

I'll get it, Jerry.

Chimmy Chungas. Hi.

Oh, it's you. What do you want? I'm busy.

When? Now? Don't be stupid, I'm at my work.

Suzi... I'll have to go.

I'll see you at five... Yeah. Bye.

If a big, unattractive guy in a blue suit phones,

you don't know where I am, OK? Two vodka sodas?

If I'd had more warning, I could have got Christine to look for the bloody keys!

The only one who ever plays this thing is her old man

when we have a singsong and Ne'erday. Where's he away to?

— Ho! Danny Boy? — Keep your voice down, stupid!

Sorry.

It's 12 angry men, in't it?

What is? One for, one against, and one that couldnae care less.

Don't look at me like that. I reckon it's down to Eddie.

IT IS NOT down to Eddie! Ssh!

If you'd vote like you're told to,

we'd junk all this nonsense about Big Jazza's Doppelganger joining the band

and go for the best young female rock singer in the country fronting us. It's down to you!

Do I not have a say in all this? He was MY brother, after all. Sure. Go ahead.

I vote we take him out and beat the living jobbies out of him.

Oh, wait a minute here...

I loathe jobs for the boys! What's this Glenna's credentials

apart from being able to blackmail Vinnie?

Listen, ya big palooka... Cool it.

We're not going to get anywhere getting physical.. He started it.

You know what you are? A moron... always have been and always will be.

I've only just got the twins down! Put a lid on it!

Look, I don't see how we cannae come to some sort of compromise.

Right. We give his Gretsch to a chimp, get a chimp

to play lead guitar. I challenge anyone to spot the difference!

What?! Don't you say stuff like that. You are talking to a Majestic.

Leave go my shirt, I'll KILL him! Shut up! You take on one Majestic,

you take on all four...three. Right?

What does that cretinous tom-tom basher know about anything?

If he had a hairline, it would come down to meet his top lip. WHAT?!

How's that for timing? Unfortunate.

I've just signed the contract, half a page, no clauses, no nothing.

I'll buy you a drink. I don't want a drink.

What do you fancy?

Would you let go of my arm, please?

How about a "Boston Strangler"? "A throat-clutching mix of whisky with a dash of bitters."

I don't believe this.

My arm, Danny! Maybe you don't accept strange drinks from guys?

Maybe you didn't catch what I said earlier on.

You are looking at a Majestic. You don't tell me!

I knew you'd be impressed. Oy, pal, the young lady and I would like something to gargle.

Why were you doing as I arrived? Leaving. I got a message from the shipyard.

My Mum's trapped under a half-built liner.

They're giving her the Last Rites. She's a riveter. Excuse me.

You're still mad from last night. I have to go before it's too late.

They've got a ligature on her leg.

Let's keep it strictly platonic, I don't mind, honest. I like you.

God! What happened? I also love you madly and want to hop in the sack.

But we'll let that lie. That's just a slight obfuscation of the peeper.

It looks awful sore. Jerry, hand us up that ice bucket.

I don't know if you caught what I said, Kettles. I said, I love you madly.

Here, hold that against it.

That's freezing! You not got a nice piece of popes-eye steak? My shirt's getting all wet.

Put your head back...right back.

Oh! I'm getting dizzy! Stop larking about, McGlone.

How's it looking now?

You'll need more ice.

What were you saying about a contract? I started rehearsals this morning.

Albeit in a very informal footing. Rehearsals for what? A world title fight?

They're nice guys, you'll like them. I don't. But you might.

I think you and I should have a chat, Danny.

Your maw isn't really a riveter, is she?

He never went and signed it, did he? That's yours with lumpy milk.

Of course, he signed it. He just didn't sign all of it.

You could go to the Bar-L for that. For making up for an incompetent PA?

You forgot to staple the bottom 12 pages to the top one.

I'm just trying to rectify a clerical blunder, that's all.

PHONE RINGS

If that's wee Tommy Cairns about benefit gig, I'm with a rep.

Drink your coffee before it congeals.

Clockerty Enterprises. Good afternoon.

Tell him not to send any money to Mrs McGlone.

The proceeds will be collected and sent on by Dennis. Vincent Diver.

He doesn't sound too pleased about something.

Tell him I'm away home. You just told him.

You're on a verbal warning, Janice. That'll be right.

Vincent! Nice of you to check in. How did your first rehearsal go?

Sorry, my mistake, audition. Hmm?

..I don't even know what key any of the songs are in.

Tomorrow? Uh-huh. Tomorrow NIGHT?!

You're joking. I wish I was. We never even got to run through one number together.

Some dive in Shotts, according to Eddie. A benefit for Theresa.

Help cushion the blow of the bereavement.

This is what you want to do with your life, is it? To play for the bereaved? No.

Be a Majestic, stupid. Well... I owe it to Big Jazza, don't I?

Sure it isn't it to show off, jump about a stage,

get letters from 12 years olds and and your photo in "Rolling Stone"?

With the Majestics?! You must be joking. As long as you're sure. Where are we going, by the way?

We can't very well have you wandering the streets. Aw, Suzi!

Especially not if you're playing your debut gig tomorrow.

You'll be needing a good night's sleep.

I warned you I was irresistible. Allow me...

Did I ever tell you that almost my entire body

is one enormous erogenous zone? I'm talking to the doll. Two 35's, please.

Cheers.

I've had to have a government warning tattooed to my hips...

"The biting of these parts may result in serious sensual pleasure to the biter and the bitee." Eugh!

She's crazy about me! And who can blame her?

Oh, ya...

Oh... Aha!

A good night's sleep(!)

Who wouldnae take that for a euphemism? You're a pervert, Kettles!

It's you they'll blame if I blow this gig tomorrow night!

Susan "You can look but you can't touch" Kettles, Glasgow's answer to Snow White!

Some dolls do, but Suzi Disney! FLUSHES TOILET

If you don't quit shouting, I'm shoving this toilet bag

and its contents down your stupid throat! Sorry.

Lie down and shut up! Suzi?

What? You look sensational when you're hopping mad.

The marriage offer is renegotiable.

I'm asleep! I'm asleep! SNORES

I don't run around with no molls

Got myself a steady job

I'm going to buy me a little car

Drive my girl in the park

Don't bother me, we'll be alone

Anyway, we're almost gone.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Excuse me.

Are you with the band?

How did you guess?

You wouldn't like to tell Vincent I'm here, would you? That's right, I wouldnae! Don't be lousy.

It took us two hours to find this dump... It's urgent, tell him!

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

BAND ARE TUNING THEIR INSTRUMENTS

There's a doll outside wants to talk to you.

Great! Didn't think she was going to make it. Take five, animals.

I think we'll have you deliver the eulogy, Danny, straight after. Where's he away to?

Out where? Not you! VINCENT!

I'm away to the gents to check my parts.

VINCENT! YOUR SECRET LOVE IS OUTSIDE IN THE MOTOR.

Eddie...

You asked me about collecting tins. These are the only ones I could

get at short notice. However, we could cover them up with this.

CAR HORN

Talk about fickle?

I thought you told us last night it was better if we didn't see each other unless it was absolutely...

Aw, no...

I'm afraid so, honey.

Aw, Glenna...

God!

Oh, God...

BOMBA PLAYS TUNE WITH DRUMSTICK

BOTH: SHUT UP!

That's never how much it is, is it? No, no. Thank God for that!

You've got your boundary charge on top of that, as well.

I hope this fella's worth it, hen.

Here, take it! Whatever's left over will help you get your meter fixed.

Welcome to the second half of tonight's show.

Well, as you know, This is a special appearance

for to help out the late family of the singer and lead vocalist...

So... What...

Would you put your hands together for the fabulous Majestics! APPLAUSE

Tell lover boy to get hisself up here.

Vinnie!

(I wasnae expecting James Brown, but suffering God, that first set was murder, pal.)

Vincent? Vinnie!

DANNY!

SUZI!

Have I missed much? Missed much? You ain't seen nothing yet!

You shake ma nerves and you rattle ma brain!

Too much love drives a man insane! You broke ma will,

But what a thrill...

Is anybody sitting here?

You came along and wooed me, honey.

I changed ma mind, this love is fine...

What's got into him?

..Oh-h, feels good!

Hold me, honey!

I want to love you like a lover should

You're fine...so kind, I wanna...

Awop boppa-loo-bop, awam-bam-boom! I gotta girl, here's the rub...

She makes me sleep in the tub...

That's me.

She knows how to love me, Yes, indeed.

Baby, you don't know what you're doing to me!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Awop boppa-loo-bop, awop bam boom!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Awop boppa-loo-bop, AH-OO !

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy,

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Awop boppa-loo-bop, awop bam boom!

I've got a girl named Sue, She knows just what to do!

I've got a girl named Sue, She knows just what to do!

She rocks to the east, She rocks to the west,

But she's the girl that I love best!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy! Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy!

Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy

Awop boppa-loo-bop, awop bam boom!

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