Original subtitles

So, Dad, how's it feel being retired?

I'm not retired, I just don't work anymore.

Isn't that the definition of "retired"?

Sure, I sold the Pit Stop, all right,

but I got a lot of irons in the fire.

Mark Cuban sold his company. Do you call him retired?

(chuckles)

No, because he owns a basketball team.

Yeah, and, like, 60 other companies.

And like a fool, I invested in smartasses.

(laughs)

Oh, that's funny.

(laughs)

You know, I just had a thought.

Oh, she's been thinking about this for a while.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe, Calvin, I'm just thinking

maybe now is a good time for you and I

to go on a vacation.

Oh, so much planning went into this moment.

Remember when we didn't take a honeymoon,

and you said we will when we have the money?

Well, now we have the money,

and you don't have to worry about leaving the shop

with someone else. Hmm.

She got him. Mm-hmm.

So now would be a perfect time

for us to take that honeymoon we never had

but always dreamed of.

Madrid.

She thinking international? Yes.

Imagine long strolls down cobblestone streets,

wine and tapas at sunset.

I do like small plates. Right?

Yeah, and how about naps in hotel beds?

I do like hotel beds.

Well, let's do it.

Definitely. (boys cheer)

Definitely.

But not right now.

You know,

I started cleaning out the garage, and, you know,

that's a whole thing, that's gonna take a while.

So, you know.

Come on, Calvin, we never travel.

We just went to San Diego.

We took a two-hour car ride

so you guys could go to that miniature engineering museum.

(laughs) You remember that tiny crane?

(imitating hydraulics)

(laughter) It was so cute. It was so cute.

Come on, babe, we just can't leave the country.

What if something happened to one of our kids?

Like what, they lose a tooth?

They're grown-ass men.

And that Pit Stop is not your problem anymore.

You know, I have been waiting decades

just to have you all to myself,

and you know what, I am tired of waiting.

Okay, Tina...

Hey, come on, Pop.

Mom supported your dream of growing your business

for 30 years.

Now it's your turn to support her dreams.

But I hate traveling.

It's so expensive,

there's always so many people around,

and there's never anything to eat but Sbarro's.

They always promise other things are gonna be open,

but it's only Sbarro's.

Daddy.

You got to do it.

While you still can.

How old do you think I am?

Ah, goodness.

Your mother was really excited

about this trip idea, though, huh?

Yeah, and I guarantee those tickets are

pulled up on her computer.

MARTY: Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Tina, baby?

Let's go eat tiny portions of meat.

Oh, baby, mmm-mmm-mmm.

Thank you!

Okay, our flight leaves at 2:45 on Wednesday,

or as they say in España, miércoles.

* Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood *

* Welcome to the hood. *

("Shave and a Haircut" knock on door)

BOTH: Dave.

Oh, he's gonna be mad

that we're playing a board game without him.

Hey! Oh, hey, guys, listen.

We were thinking, with your dad retiring and all,

that maybe we would...

You guys playing Scrabble without me?

You challenge every word, Dave.

It is my right, Malcolm.

Anyway, we thought it would be nice

if we got your dad a present as a congrats

for selling the shop.

What if we got him a fondue set?

Or is that too obvious?

GEMMA: Ooh...

What if we got them a Jacuzzi?

It could be waiting for them in their backyard when they return.

Hmm, Dad's not too into sitting idly in hot water.

I can hear him now. (scoffs)

"What am I, some kind of food cart hot dog?"

You know, Pop did mention he was cleaning out the garage.

We could finish that job for him.

Oh. Yes.

We could clean it out and set it up as a space

for him to work on his cars.

A secret reno for a worthy recipient.

How HGTV of us.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times:

checking a bag is never a good idea.

You've said it a hundred times.

You remember when we went to Kansas City,

and they lost my luggage?

I had to flip my drawers every day

for a week.

Okay... Babe,

are we visiting Spain or moving there?

Well, I need nine daytime looks

and eight nighttime looks.

(chuckles) You need to learn to pack like me.

Two pairs of shorts, three shirts,

and ten pairs of drawers for safety.

MAN: Next.

Oh, good.

Are you checking any bags today?

Well, uh, my wife is.

I know better than to be separated

from my belongings.

Yeah, here we go.

Ma'am,

your bag is three pounds over the limit.

Really, Ronnie? I mean, what are you, the pound police?

That's literally my job.

Okay, fine, I'll just take some stuff

out of my bag and put it in yours. Okay...

She couldn't see this coming?

All right, then. Okay, all right, fine.

I'll just take a few things out of here.

Okay, oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

What?

They touched the floor!

Calvin, my underwear touched the airport floor!

Babe, babe, you are literally yelling about your underwear

at the airport.

Oh, my God. Ugh! What are you doing?

Tina... Okay.

Tina-- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay. All right.

Tina, Tina... calm-calm down, babe, okay?

All right, I'm gonna calm down. Just think,

now, in 15 hours you'll be sipping sangria

under string lights, okay?

Yeah. I like string lights. Yes, yes.

Okay. Okay.

Here we go.

All right, um, you hold that, hold that.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'll take this.

Whew, look at that. Nice and light.

So light.

Two pounds over.

Damn it, Ronnie, I swear, you not gonna--

Ronnie think I'm playing.

Everything in here is junk.

Uh, I'm sorry, you're calling both of these VHS tapes

of Mighty Joe Young junk?

(laughs)

You know, this is the part of the home reno show

where they hire somebody to come in

and do all this work for them.

Oh, that's a great idea.

I can call one of those junk removal companies.

You guys move all this junk onto the driveway,

we can go get brunch, and by the time we get back,

all this stuff will be gone.

Wait a minute. Are y'all really that lazy?

I am.

(scanner beeps)

(beep) Oh, Mr. Butler, we're gonna have to ask you

to check your carry-on.

Well, thank you for asking, but my answer is no.

The flight is overbooked.

There's no more room in the overhead compartment.

Well, I'll-I'll just stick it under my seat.

Babe, just give her the bag so we can get to Madrid.

Please. Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you.

Okay. (beep)

Go. It's about to be some tapas up in here.

(beep)

Oh, we're gonna need you to check your bag.

Look at this beautiful junk-free driveway.

You know, calling the trash people

while we got brunch was brilliant.

(laughs) All we had to do was eat biscuits.

Some of us didn't see the biscuits

until all the biscuits were gone.

Oh, wow, it is actually huge in here.

Okay, now the best man caves always have themes.

Now, what are we thinking? Tiki bar? Sports memorabilia?

Oh, actually, you know what's really cool?

Swords.

Or, or, instead of swords,

maybe it could be "garage-themed."

Uh, Dad, where is Mr. Calvin's smoker?

It's in the driveway, where it always is.

No, it's not.

What?

The smoker's not here.

Maybe they moved it so they'd have

easier access to the trash.

No, it's gone.

Maybe they thought it was trash.

You did put those piles kind of close to the smoker.

You watched us move it all, Marty.

You didn't say any of that.

Hey, man.

Marty, don't you think you should have been

a little more clear?

Well, David, don't you think

you should have put the trash further away

from Dad's most prized possession?!

Don't put this on me!

(phone ringing)

Oh, no, that's Mama.

Don't answer it.

Oh, there's no way I'm answering that.

(phone ringing)

Oh, it's a video call. Don't answer it!

I have to, it's Mommy.

No, Marty, don't...

Hi, Mommy.

What, your brother's sending me to voice mail now?

Oh, no, no, I meant to hit the green button, Mama.

I-I just wanted y'all to see that your father's

on a actual plane. Look. (laughs)

Hey! Hey!

The Butlers are international, baby!

Hey, where are y'all?

Uh, nowhere.

Yeah, no, we was out here playing pickleball. Hello, Calvin.

Shh! You know what, y'all should go on airplane mode.

Have a great flight.

He's gonna kill us.

Okay.

You know what, I'll just--

I'll just put it right up under my seat, like I said.

No problem.

Yeah, all right. Yeah. Okay.

We did it. (laughs)

I am so excited. I can almost taste the paella.

Excuse me. Sorry. Uh, I'm the window.

Oh. Okay.

You got it, amigo.

Yes. There you go.

All right. Good?

Here we go. All right. Come, boy.

Oh, you have a dog.

Oh. Oh, okay. (laughs)

TINA: All right, there you go. Okay, all right.

Okay. All right.

Where the hell is this horse going?

You know,

this is my seat.

My-my seat comes with space for my legs.

Your dog is in my leg space.

You don't like dogs?

I like dogs fine.

Well, you can pet him if you like.

I don't like.

You need to take your seats now

so we can have an on-time departure.

Sherlock, sit. Calvin, sit.

I can't take my seat because, as a human who paid for my seat,

I have nowhere to put my human legs

because Shaggy here is traveling to Spain

with Scooby-Doo.

This man does not like dogs!

(all booing)

Dog-ophobe!

No, no, no, he loves dogs.

He cried at Marley & Me.

You know what? Since y'all like dogs so much,

then somebody switch seats with me.

TINA: Yeah. CALVIN: Huh? Yeah.

That's what I thought.

Sir, I need you to take your seat.

We can't push away from the gate until you're in your seat.

WOMAN: Sit down! (overlapping shouting)

Oh, no. Oh, you know what?

I'll sit down when the moose moves.

Uh-uh. That bag was tagged to be gate-checked.

It's in the system.

Well, just untag it.

It doesn't work like that.

Once it's tagged, it's tagged for life.

We're going to have to open up the doors again.

And that will cause a delay. (crowd clamoring)

Well... Nice work, Karen!

I-I... I am not a Karen. (overlapping shouting)

You know what? I need to see your manager.

I don't... I don't feel safe right now.

It's already in the landfill?!

You're supposed to repurpose this stuff!

No, I will not hold for a survey!

(scoffs)

Well, I guess we're buying Calvin a new smoker.

The old one was getting kind of gross anyway.

Uh, Gemma, Gemma, Gemma,

one does not simply replace Dad's smoker.

Yeah, that thing had 20 years of seasoning on it.

That's why the food tastes so good.

Even the broccoli he cooked on there tasted like brisket.

It's gonna ruin his vacation when he hears.

What the hell is wrong with you, man? Whoa... what the hell, Dave?

Okay, we are not telling him, okay?

They are probably having the time of their lives right now.

VIRGINIA: Flight 2355 to Madrid.

We appreciate your patience in deplaning.

This is on you, dog hater.

I love dogs, lady.

I also love Earth, Wind & Fire.

I just don't want 'em under my seat.

Due to the delay...

...our flight crew has gone over their allotted hours.

We are currently looking for a new crew.

Oh, wait. No! No, no, no, don't leave!

Y-You can work a little longer, right?

I-I mean, come on. Doctors do surgeries for over 19 hours.

Y'all can push a little drink cart.

VIRGINIA: We'd also like to welcome passengers

from the recently-canceled Flight 510 to Madrid.

Due to our combining these flights, we are oversold

and offering $2,000 to any passengers willing to be bumped.

Did you hear that, baby? What?

$2,000.

You're not really thinking of taking that, are you?

I mean, Tina, for that kind of money,

we can get out of this hellhole and go to Pechanga Casino.

I mean, maybe this is the universe

trying to tell us something. Yes.

It's the universe telling me I'm never getting my honeymoon.

You know, I'm going to go get a glass of wine at Sbarro.

And this is the same as Dad's?

Same model.

This is so clean. Did you buy this from a vegan?

Okay, guys, we're never going to be able to pass this off.

I agree.

So I think we should all band together

and blame Dave.

GEMMA: What? Dave?!

Mm-hmm. Marty is the one who made the call.

Let's blame him.

Okay. Girl!

Okay, you know what?

How about we pin it on Grover?

There's no way my dad's gonna hit a little white boy.

Yeah. No!

None of you are thinking straight!

If you had watched HGTV, you would know

that this is the moment where all seems lost.

And then

they get the perfect renovation solution.

We're going to antique this bad boy.

Wait. Will that work?

Yes, it'll work.

Gemma, go get a hundred burgers.

Marty, get a buttload of hickory chips. Malcolm,

we're going to need a baseball bat.

No one sleeps until this smoker looks like crap

and smells fantastic!

Excuse me. Excu-Excuse me.

I knew it. I knew.

$2,000 was just gonna be too tempting.

Hold on, baby. Just... No, no, no. You know what?

I have had enough, okay?

Let's just go home.

This has been a complete disaster.

Tina, it has been. (sighs)

But that's why I upgraded us to first class,

where, I assume, all the dogs are inside purses.

Really, babe?

Are you sure, Calvin? This is expensive.

Yeah, well, the universe spoke to me again,

and it said, "You only get one honeymoon."

(laughs softly) Baby. Mmm.

Mmm. Oh, uh,

my man, there's not a purse in the world big enough for you.

Yeah.

(barks)

* *

Aah!

* *

Grease it up, boy!

* *

(glass breaking, car alarm blaring)

* *

Wow. We did a great job.

That thing looks terrible.

Now for the final test.

Grover?!

* *

What does this asparagus taste like?

* *

Ribs?

(all cheering)

(romantic guitar music playing)

Mmm. Babe, you would think

that the tiny portions would mean there's not enough food,

but I have never eaten so much in my life.

(laughs)

Ooh. Is it too late in the day for a siesta?

You know, you look beautiful in that dress.

Oh. Mm.

And I love you in that shirt.

And I look forward to seeing it three more times.

(both laughing)

You know,

I've always been worried about...

working so hard.

I... I never took the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

But...

traveling the world with my beautiful wife,

drinking good wine and eating cheese I can't pronounce...

(laughs)

This.

This is what I want.

Well, this and playing golf with Ice Cube.

Well, it took 30 years, but...

I finally got my boyfriend back. (laughs)

Mmm. Mwah.

Well, maybe I like being retired after all.

Well, you're going to really love being retired in Fiji

'cause that's where we're going next.

Hmm.

I like Fiji. Yeah?

'Cause we won't need any underwear there.

* *

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, my. (laughs)

Well, all right!

(laughs) Hey.

Yeah. We wanted to do something

to say congratulations on selling the shop.

Yeah, congrats, Pop. Now you can still work on your cars.

Yeah, and just not get paid for it.

Y'all did all of this while we were gone?

There was a lot of junk in here.

Oh, girl, we know. (laughs)

(laughing): Yeah. Well, I must say, I am impressed.

Thank you. Thank you, guys. DAVE: Well,

we're glad you like it, and, of course, there's your smoker,

exactly where you thought it would be,

totally unchanged, like nothing happened at all.

Pull-pull it back, Dave. Easy. Easy, Dave.

Pull it back, pull it back. Come-come on back.

MALCOLM: Yeah.

Yeah. Well, there's my baby.

I'm sure gonna miss her.

DAVE: What?

What's that now? Huh?

Yeah. I won't be needing that old smoker anymore.

I'm into wood grilling now.

Yeah. that's how they do it in Spain. Yes.

(Calvin laughs)

A la brasa es delicioso.

(Tina laughs) CALVIN: You know what?

I'll just call one of those junk removal companies

to haul it away.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0