Original subtitles

Looks like we've been robbed.

Except we paid them to take it all away.

Oh, they even took the kettle! That had been there longer than me.

What's this? What's this over here?

Nothing to box up! Oh, and over here?

HE GASPS Nothing for the bin.

Excuse me while I squeeze past this big load of bugger all to do.

Yes!

Ha-ha!

Free at last!

I don't know.

I'm gonna go and say goodbye to the bog.

I doubt there's any paper, lad.

You'll be lucky if they've left the seat.

No, honestly, gonna go and say goodbye to him.

Been a good friend over the past 12 years.

Hey! Hey, hey!

Morning, Nic. You got that kettle on?

There isn't a kettle. What are you doing here?

What? Right now?

Wishing I was a bit more appropriately dressed.

Makes two of us. But why are you here at all?

Well...

seeing as me and... MUTTERS: ..Ursula have "'plit"...

it really didn't seem appropriate to still share a bed.

Or even worth it, considering there wouldn't be any

"'issing" or "'ucking". Or even just a "'ow 'ob".

Austin, you're gonna have pronounce some of the words,

otherwise we're none the wiser.

Well, what he's trying to say is that

since him and Auntie Ursh split,

there's no need for them to keep sharing a bedroom

cos there wouldn't have been any...

I know why you didn't finish it now.

Hey, buddy! I know what you're thinking.

You're wondering, will I still be your uncle after the divorce?

And technically, no,

so I'm not obliged to make any wild promises.

But we'll see how it pans out.

CLICKS TONGUE

Thanks.

So, I suppose I should ask you how you're coping.

You don't seriously think it's permanent, do you?

Surely she's just working stuff out.

Yes - how to live her life without you.

Now, I daresay the others will be along soon.

Last day, and all that,

they'll want to say goodbye to the place.

So you're still not talking? Sad to see the sisters so divided.

Yeah, and whose fault's that?

So just grab yourself a shower and make yourself scarce.

You do know I regret all this, right?

Oh...

Forgot to bring shower gel.

Oh, and a... a towel.

I might be a while.

Ugh!

In you go, Pop-Pop. Go and play with the...

..the carpets?

You OK, babe?

Yeah.

I think I mind it a bit less like this, without all the stuff.

Well, to be fair, their taste was in their arse.

The memories it provoked.

You all right there, Con?

Just saying goodbye to all the doors and windows.

Oh, fair dos, lad, yeah.

I do sometimes worry that all the acid

I took in my teens has somehow worked its way into his system.

Oh, here she is.

What family secrets are you keeping from us this week, Nic?

Stu join the Taliban,

or is Ray running a secret meth lab from his shed?

What was I supposed to do, Gay? Fill me in on the goss.

Yeah, sorry, I should have thrown Vetty under the bus

and broken Ursula's heart. It was the push Ursh needed. And Austin.

I don't think they were ever really suited, you know.

I thought that the day they got married.

I said, but no-one would listen to me

cos I was just the flower girl.

I was hoping you'd come round to make friends again.

Well, keep hoping. Right, so that's it?

After today, we all go home and then we never patch things up?

No, don't be daft, Nic. You're still Poppy's auntie,

so we'll need you for babysitting and that.

Oh, here she is, my princess!

Where are you off to, you silly-billy?

Where's my Poppy?

Daddy's gonna get you! You'd better be quick up them stairs...

Aw, he's great with her, isn't he?

Now.

I've been so distracted, they've had time to bond.

She does tend to come back swearing like a docker. I've had words.

Are we OK?

We're all right.

Nudging up to OK.

If you keep me up to speed on all the shenanigans... we'll be fine.

Sick! Is what Connor might say.

Hiya!

She's a different story.

You got that kettle on, Nic?

If you're looking for Austin, he's having a shower,

and Christ, am I tempted to run that hot tap.

Austin's here? Oh, surprise me. You didn't know.

Look, when it comes to a choice between my sister

and a passionate, experimental fling that pushed boundaries

I never knew... Well, my sister still wins.

Has our Ray forgiven you yet?

Well, we're not speaking properly, but he's sending me GIFs.

God, Viola Davis pulls some judgy faces.

Well, if you want to make amends, you can start by cleaning the house.

What do you mean, clean?

When you wipe away all the dirt and dust and things like that.

It's the buyers' dirt now, or it will be from tomorrow.

Oh, God.

What now?

They've only gone and left the kids' climbing frame

and all the garden furniture. I said the whole house!

But not the garden. Did it need spelling out?

While you clean, Nic, I'm gonna go out there,

I'm gonna see what I can do about this bloody garden furniture!

Did they leave the cushions on, Stu?

Oh!

Just leaving the front door open, eh?

Now there's nothing left to nick.

Ursh. We didn't expect to see you.

The last day in our family house? You thought I'd swerve it? No.

Thought you might be trying to avoid Vetty. I can handle her.

It's you who should be keeping a low profile.

You knew she was blowing Austin every chance she could get.

She didn't go into specifics.

Yeah, well, you were still bezzying up with her.

Whatever she did, she still lost Mum and Dad.

Well, she had my husband.

Who, I should warn you, is upstairs having a shower.

What?

I thought he was in our guest room. He camped out here last night.

I think he was hoping you might miss him.

I didn't even notice.

What a pointless flounce that was, eh?

So, how have you been... since the split?

Top of the world. Can't recommend it enough.

I think me and Stu are fine. Have you put the kettle on?

CAMERA CLICKS

Babe, I might take Poppy for a play outside.

She's bored shitless roaming round in here.

Well, don't let her mess up that dress.

I wanna take some pictures of her later

saying bye-bye to Nanny and Grampy's house.

Hey, you've missed a trick there.

You should have had her posing, sat on the coffin (!)

I don't want her to forget them.

Well, would it be really the worst thing in the world if she does?

Come on, babe, she's four. She's been round here every week

watching the people that matter to her the most...

and Austin, all sighing and crying and sighing again.

She must think yous have all sprung a leak.

Well, her mother's an empath.

Chances are she is, too. I'm sure she'll understand.

Babe, let's start taking her places again, yeah?

Remind her what fun's really like.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Babe, did I just cross the line there?

Come on.

Where is the line? Cos I'm thick, you know.

No, you're right.

Mum and Dad would want her to be happy.

Is it, yeah?

Cos I just thought it was me knocking these vapes in on the head.

You know, the nicotine withdrawal.

But I still want a picture of her in that frock. She looks too cute.

Sound.

I'll try not to get her covered in shite, yeah?

Hm. Come here.

Oh, sorry. Just...

..here to hug the door.

No, you're fine. Just reminiscing.

There used to be a mural on that wall...

of Satan eating a live rabbit.

Why? Oh, I used to be a Goth.

Erm... Auntie Ursula?

Hm? You know if I ask you something,

you'll tell me if it's out of line, won't you?

How long have I been your auntie?

Yeah, OK, course you will.

Erm, how come that you and Uncle Austin

ever got married, even though...

Hm. ..yous don't really seem to like each other?

That's a fair question.

Your mum had just got engaged to your dad, and I'm quite competitive,

and whenever I'd go out on the town with your Auntie Vetty,

cos we were mates once,

there your Uncle Austin would be, sniffing around.

He always claimed it was a coincidence,

but I knew what his game was.

In the end, I was like, "Yeah, OK, then. Come on."

Lucky it wasn't Auntie Vetty he was after!

Awkward.

But he'd have said, wouldn't he?

No-one persists with a 20-year marriage

on the basis of a misunderstanding. Do they?

I'm 12.

I'm just gonna...

Ow.

Oh, shit.

God!

Yvette. Don't start, Ursula, please.

Oh, are you just waiting to use the lav?

Straightaway, you just assume I'm on the bounce.

You do have form.

I did shag your husband.

True.

What if I nicked him off you first?

I never had him to nick. Didn't you?

It was the pair of us he chased round every pub in town.

Well... We just assumed he was after me cos I was the fittest.

SHE SCOFFS

No.

He would have said.

That's 20 years of all our lives.

Oh, I know.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry. I'm glad you can see the funny side.

Ten years' time, I might be able to do the same.

Look, I just wanted to say that now I'm done with Austin,

you can have him.

SHE SIGHS You should be used to my cast-offs.

I don't think I want him now.

If he's the type to cheat on his wife... You are unbelievable.

Ursh!

What's it gonna take for you to forgive me?

Crack. Some sort of cerebral bleed.

But seeing as though it's the last day in our parents' house,

I am prepared to call a brief, tepid truce.

I knew we'd come through this closer than ever.

Come here. I'll come to you.

Are you drying your hands on my back?

A bit.

Where am I putting these? Anywhere.

Not... SHE SCOFFS

Aw, does that mean yous two are talking again?

Back off, Nic.

Mum and Dad loved this place so much. Yeah.

Where are we gonna go now, to still feel connected to them?

The grave?

Where are we gonna go that doesn't feel haunted?

I'm not gonna go to the grave.

Mum and Dad didn't go to their parents'.

Mind you, Dad's was in Jamaica.

They went to Elvis Presley's. I'll go there.

I can't believe we're never coming back here.

Come on, let's keep busy.

Course I can help.

Anything for the family.

It is my area of expertise.

Kids' playgrounds? I am an architect.

I thought he had something to do with space.

Not to get too technical - we could just muller the thing.

What's he still doing here?

He's the only one who can dismantle this.

We're hoping. Yeah, well, when he's done, he can get off.

Back to our guest bedroom?

Let's just crack on, shall we, eh?

So, erm, when's the next big family shindig?

What makes you think you'd be invited?

Look, Ursula, I know it might be awkward

when I start rocking up with my new girlfriend,

but we're really gonna have to be adult about this.

You don't let the grass grow. Well, I haven't found her yet.

I mean, I only just downloaded Tinder last night.

But I mean when I do. Well, when you do,

I think your new girlfriend might want you to start

going to HER family parties. Well, I might not like her family.

Didn't know you were that keen on us. Ha!

You do have to grit your teeth.

Er... PHONE RINGS

I need to take this.

Gaynor...

you lot are my family.

You're the only ones that have made me feel welcome. Do you reckon?

No. Go us for making it seem that way.

I suppose we could all meet up individually.

I mean, that wouldn't be out of order.

But we don't have to feel obliged, do we?

Yeah, but we were all really good mates once.

Do you know what? Do what you like.

The pair of you, do what you like.

HE SCREAMS

CONNOR: Is Dad all right? Dad, are you all right?

What's his problem?

So, that was Lammers and Mead, the estate agents.

There's been a teensy-weensy setback on the sale.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. No.

The snivelly pair of... They sat there, slurping our Douwe Egberts,

snaffling our biscuits, "Ooh, this'll make a lovely family home,"

when anyone can see it's suffered years of neglect!

Will you just let me tell you the whole story?

That's the problem with this family.

It's just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

Nobody fucking listens... GREG: 'Ey!

Watch your potty mouth, you.

There's a little girl down there.

Nah, fuck it, she's fine. Crack on.

The problem isn't Hasim and Nadiya.

It's further down the chain. Twats.

Apparently, they had a survey

and discovered a false wall with three human skulls behind it.

THEY ALL GASP

Yes, yeah, and a pelvis, some femurs, an assortment of ribs.

I think they said there was an arse bone.

CONNOR LAUGHS

The news sites are calling it "the bungalow of horrors".

Jesus Christ.

See, I would have called it "bone-galow of horrors".

Oh, eh, look, piccies here.

Oh! Ee!

To be fair, Mum would have loved that story.

She would. 'Scuse me. Dad.

Yeah. This means we get to keep the house, then, right?

No, son. I'm sorry, mate.

OK.

Build up your hopes and then they dash them back down!

Argh!

HE GRUNTS

Oh, I'll let Raymond know.

What it does mean is we're all stuck in limbo

while the police look into the dental records.

I keep telling myself that Mum and Dad are watching over us,

making everything OK, but they can't be, can they?

Cos it's just setback after setback.

Well, if she'd put the offer in when she had the chance,

kept it in the family... PHONE CHIMES

Oh, Raymond!

Aw! He says he's relieved we get to keep it that little bit longer.

Oh, this means we're talking again!

I could probably stay on... look after the old place.

Get a blow-up bed, have the Wi-Fi switched back on.

What part of getting divorced do you not understand, Austin?

I still need somewhere to call a home.

Yeah. But not my home, you dick.

She doesn't mean that.

SHE SOBS

Nic, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come here. Hey, hey, hey.

I know it means we're lumbered with your family even longer, but...

if you damage this sign, we are liable.

Today was supposed to be the end of it all.

I know, when we could finally shut the door on all their nonsense

and fuck the lot of them off for good.

Is that how you felt about Mum and Dad?

No.

Reggie and Sandra were completely different.

The mum and dad I never had.

Your mum and dad are still alive.

Yeah, they're the mum and dad that I do have, more's the pity.

Well, these are the sisters I have...

..and they need to know that wherever we are,

..my door is always open.

What do you mean?

Oh, no.

Nicole.

Aw. I'm glad you can see it was all your Uncle Austin's fault.

No.

Well, that's what I'm hearing.

Anyway...

RAY: 'Love you.' I love you, too.

Yeah. Bye. Bye-bye.

So, I've crunched the numbers and it shouldn't be a problem.

Me and Austin have to sell our house cos of the split,

so I can buy this place and keep it in the family.

Oh, Ursh, you don't wanna do that.

Well, yeah, I do, so I'm doing it.

You defo don't wanna give up your sea view.

I couldn't give a shit about my sea view.

Well, you can't.

Raymond's been on, he's offered to chip in with me.

We're buying the place.

Yay!

Oh, I see.

So you've nicked my husband, and now you wanna nick my fucking house.

If you're worried I'll be too embarrassed

about that Austin business to have you over, don't be.

I won't be. Mi casa es tu casa.

Er, no. Tu casa es mi... Why are we speaking fucking Spanish?

If anyone is gonna be buying this house, it'll be me.

This is the best news ever! Oh, bagsy our Ray's room.

Connor's room now!

And why would that be?

Well, we're doing what yous all wanted from the off.

We're buying this place.

Gregory, have you heard this?

Nicole and Stu wanna buy the house. What?

Are you taking the pi...?

I know, I know, it makes the last few weeks clearing

a total waste of time, but... Well, it was all tat.

We can do a proper makeover. Whoa, whoa,

hold your horses there, Nic.

What if you don't have your offer accepted?

Well, you're the ones who are accepting it.

Not now we're putting an offer in. What?

Your house is a decent size already.

We've only got that tiny little terrace.

Yeah, with seagull Luftwaffes circling.

But when the option came for either one of us to buy it,

you said you were 40 grand short. Oh, we were.

But now we've got a mystery backer, you know.

Austin says there's no strings attached. Sorry?

Austin's coming on board on this?

Erm, I just want to help out my niece.

You know how important family is to me.

I'm your sister-in-law.

I'm already having second thoughts about this. What?

We are buying this house, and that's that.

All right, then, let's let Ursula settle this.

Who do you think should bail us out and buy this house?

Should it be me and Stu,

who you all pestered to do it in the first place?

Or should it be this consortium of Gaynor, Gregory,

and - oh, look - Austin?

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah.

None of yous. I'm gonna buy it.

Then I get to say who comes through that front door,

and I won't have to spend Crimbo

with my two-faced sisters or my cheating ex-husband.

Or I could buy it.

Oh, God. Is she for real?

With a little help from Raymond. Then everybody's welcome.

I think we need to up the offer.

Can we do that? Shit!

Come on, Raymond.

Oh, that's the game we're playing?

Come on, Raymond. GAYNOR: Oh, yeah, that's the game.

And you can forget about buying in with Raymond.

Do I need to say I told you so?

GAYNOR: We put an offer in, it's ours! No.

The ungrateful bastards.

Thank you, house...

..for keeping our family together.

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