Original subtitles

Only me!

Is anyone home?

Anyone?

I can see your coats!

They must be busy clearing.

God, it's weird seeing it all packed away like this.

Course, if you and Marco bought the place,

you could put it all straight back up again.

Maybe not the Diana plate. Well, it's too late, anyhow.

You've had that offer. Nothing's been signed.

It's too big for two people.

I know Marco's ripped - lucky me - but... I've had a thought.

Maybe we could convert the loft. Into a granny flat?

I think we'll call it an annexe.

A grannexe. Oi!

Oh, come on. The house you grew up in.

Mum, why do you think I became a pilot?

Because I told you Tintin wasn't a real job.

He's just a drawing.

So I could see the world, not end up back where I started.

Isn't that why you became a stewardess?

That, and my really shit exam results.

TOILET FLUSHES

Ray!

Everyone, Ray's here!

SQUEALING

Ray! Auntie Nic!

Ah!

Hey! Flying visit (?)

Every time! I never know what else to say.

Did you know he was coming? No, I...

Auntie Ursh! Aw. Good to see you, lad.

Must be nice to be so popular.

So, how's Uncle Austin? On thin ice, to be honest.

He's gone for a bike ride. Hopefully down a motorway.

Well, if you kick him into touch before my wedding,

just let me and Marco know. We can cross him off the guestlist.

Don't joke. It might actually come to that.

Well, I'm not entirely. We're really pressed for numbers.

GREG: 'Ey, is that our Ray?

Here's my favourite nephew. Hello.

You all right?

Hey, babe, our Ray's here.

I can see. Auntie Gaynor.

So, have you come straight from work?

Erm... yeah.

It's just a short hop this morning. Amsterdam.

Marco's off to Wroclaw.

Ooh.

So, how have you been?

A bit mood-swingy recently, if I'm being honest, Auntie Nic.

Is it drugs?

Cos I was your age, and I've been there.

Saturday night and it's like "boop-boop"!

Touching the laser. Everyone in the club's your best friend.

But what goes up must come down,

and by Wednesday, you're eyeing up the Domestos.

And the campaigns, all the mental health.

It's like, "No, people, just lay off the gack!"

It-It's just that I miss Nanny and Grampy.

Right. But thanks for sharing your story.

If you ever tell your cousins - ever -

I will hunt you down, Ray.

Do you still take milk? Er, if you've got almond?

We're not a deli, Ray.

So, the plan is to hone in on everything that matters,

and then we've got a firm coming in to take the rest away.

Well, I'll make a start on my room after this.

Er, whose room? Er, mine.

I know we used to share, but you moved into Auntie Nic's

when she moved out to marry Stu.

Yeah, and we still called that Nic's room, just like you did then.

So what you're talking about is my room.

Our room, at a push, but really, my room.

Does it matter?

By the end of next week, it'll be the buyers' room.

Well, he's not getting first dibs.

Get back here, you mad cow!

It's fine.

GAYNOR: My room, my stuff. RAY: My arse!

Move! Let me in!

Let me in! SHE GRUNTS

HE LAUGHS

Get your thieving hands off my stuff!

Like I want it.

Aye, aye, I'm trying to read here. My private diary?

Only from juniors. Nothing juicy. Just slagging off poor Ray.

Figures.

Gregory, when your wife is clearly giving someone the cold shoulder,

can you the decent thing and join in?

He's my nephew! Save your breath, Uncle Greg,

she's resented me from the moment I was born.

Oh, yes, I have, cos there I was, just three years old,

the apple of everybody's eye, and then voom!

He arrives, the golden boy, the son my father never had.

At least you knew your dad. Now he's calling my sister a slag.

My own mum?

Oh, for fuck's sake! Will yous two just knock it on the head?

Now, we're here to clear, so Ray, you take that side,

and Gaynor, take that side, yeah?

Sound. And I'll just...

Well, I don't know what yous are keeping, so...

I'll just keeping spinning.

Hey, how are we all getting on? Are these any use to anyone?

Postcards from the Pattisons from number 56.

That pair of weirdos?

Why would Mum and Dad keep anything from them?

They used to call them Fred and Rose.

Well, your mum did have those big glasses.

No, they called the Pattisons that. You'll never guess what I've found.

Is it a birthday card from Harold Shipman? Worse.

Your school reports.

Hey!

Right, give me them! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

You don't want to believe what those teachers put.

The lot of them were drunk. The whole staff?

Yes. It was the '80s. There were strikes.

The pressure was on. Isn't that right, Stu? Yeah.

"Nicole is a foul-mouthed, impudent child

"who seems to think her coarse opinions and gutter humour

"are more important than the school curriculum."

Fuck off.

Who said that about your mother? I'll knock 'em out.

Sister Immaculate, RE.

Oh. Well, we can't go decking a nun.

No. She was actually quite nice.

She used to bring her guitar in and play Stairway To Heaven.

She just could not control the class.

Wonder why. Hm.

"Nicole is a consistently disruptive little madam

"who distracts the more dedicated pupils with..."

Yeah, all right, son, we get that there's a theme.

Are none of them complimentary?

No.

All these years, I've seen you as someone to look up to.

I am. We both are.

I've got no problem with Dad, he's not the one committing fraud.

Oh, so you've seen his school report as well, have you?

To be fair, I was top of the class in... Shh.

It's just a few snotty comments.

They're all like this, back to reception.

I feel like I've been raised by an imposter.

There you go - you feel you've been raised.

Me and your dad have done our job. Yeah.

I need time to process this.

What?

Who are you?

Look who I've found!

Eugh!

Aw, Trudi! What's she doing shoved at the back of the cupboard?

I wouldn't put it past her to have walked.

Aw, she can go in the chair outside the bathroom.

She belongs on a bonfire.

Er, whose bathroom would that be? Er, mine and Marco's.

And why exactly would she go there, when she was my doll?

Operative word - was.

No. Operative word - my. Until you doll-napped her.

Anyway, I'm handing her down to my child.

You're not inflicting that thing on my Poppy. No.

She's already shit-scared of Tony the Frosties Tiger.

You lob that thing at her and she'll be scarred for life.

Whose side are you on here, Greg? My daughter's.

I can get her cleaned up professionally.

Yeah, chuck your money around, Mr Big-Shot Pilot.

You don't even want her the way she is. Oi!

Whereas I always loved her.

Look, those teeth took some getting used to.

I used to wake up in cold sweats.

I can take her on my travels, do her an Instagram page.

Lad, no-one needs to be witness to that. He's taking her nowhere.

Oi! Give her to me now!

Oh, will you pack it in? Give her to me!

Look what you've done, you stupid... Oi!

Auntie. I still have authority here.

Anyway, you said you could pay to have her fixed, so...

I'm telling Mam!

Oh, yeah, go crying to Mummy cos I wouldn't let you keep

the little girls'... doll.

Are you being homophobic? No.

Is that what's happening here? No.

Oh, come on, mate, you know we're all proud allies in this family.

I mean, Poppy needs some convincing, like, but...

You've run out of any worthwhile argument,

so you're resorting to that.

Unbelievable.

No, Ray. I wasn't being homophobic. I wa...

Look, this is what he does!

Twists things round, so it looks like I'm at fault.

I'm saying nothing.

No, Greg, you're saying,

"Yes, babe, I know, babe. I'm completely on your side, babe."

Yeah, of course, babe. Yeah.

Argh!

Fuckin' Jesus Christ!

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

Mum, can you talk to Auntie Gaynor?

What? We found Trudi upstairs,

and now Gaynor's saying she was hers before she was mine,

so she should get to keep her!

Which one's Trudi?

No, I've got her...

You OK? Yeah. Yeah, good, I'm fine.

What's that? This?

Oh, what is this?

Seems to be the family's wedding albums.

Aw, Mum and Dad!

SHE CHUCKLES

Your aunties.

Not mine, obviously. I never really...

Anyway, yours and Marco's next, eh? Something to look forward to.

Mum...

I know you really tried to find me a new dad,

all those hundreds of dates you went on.

Yeah, that's right.

That was... what that was.

But none of them were good enough to be your step-dad.

Or technically free to marry.

It's a rare man that's good enough for you.

Seems that way.

Erm, Mum...

I never really wanted to ask while Grampy was alive, cos...

he was my real father figure, but...

..what was my dad like?

French.

Oh, I mean more in terms of personality. Oh.

He had an earring, a Le Coq Sportif trackie,

and come-to-bed eyes. Ugh.

Well, more like come-round-the-back -of-Carrefour eyes.

The trouble was, his English wasn't great.

He only knew the lyrics to Rock Me Amadeus.

And as for my French, well, I could order an Orangina.

Who knows?

If we'd been able to string a coherent conversation together,

and I'd been in Boulogne longer than that school trip,

it might have been a love match.

Yeah, who knows, eh?

Anyway, what were you saying about Gaynor?

It doesn't matter.

You taught me to fight my own battles.

Mwah.

Don't use that rabbit punch I taught you, though.

She is my sister. I won't.

Oh. Hello.

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS FORCEFULLY

Just going through this dresser. Don't feel obliged to chat.

EXAGGERATED SIGH

Are you having an asthma attack or something?

Do I need to tell your mother to fetch you an inhaler?

Why did no-one tell me she was a hooligan at school?

Why would that be relevant?

Because all my life... You're 11.

I'm 12. I've always tried to do the right thing.

Our Ciaron's always in trouble.

Thought Mum and Dad needed one child they could be proud of.

I know that feeling.

I could have been the one having fun,

writing swear words on the blackboard and robbing Tesco blind.

I know that one, an' all.

Answer me this. Since you seem to have such a handle on it all.

Do you think me and your Uncle Austin are well suited?

Well... I don't know a lot about him.

He just turns up when you do.

Sometimes he wears glasses.

Oh, just... That's what this family always does...

..just focus on his good side.

Nanny and Grampy were the same.

"He's so well-spoken, so nicely turned out, on huge money."

Just another reason to give them bragging rights.

Well...

..they're not here any more, are they?

I wish they were.

So who am I doing it for?

You know, you're surprisingly insightful,

for someone whose entire life experience

has been learning to brush his teeth and spell.

Bye.

Nice talking.

You know when Poppy plays up sometimes and she's all like,

"Mummy, Mummy, read me a story. Mummy, can I have some juice?"

I just think,

"Little do you know, I could pop out a little brother or sister like that

"and your golden days as queen of the castle will be over."

Oh, I'd have really loved a brother or sister.

I mean, really just a brother, but, well, you know.

Beggars can't be...

Oh, here he is, Top Gun.

Mummy not here to play your wingman?

Is she?

All I'm asking is for one piffling memento

of the time I spent in this house.

You can have that lamp.

Actually, no, that goes with Poppy's room.

So I can't even have the stuff I don't want?

Have you heard yourselves?

Two grown-arsed adults ripping the shit out of each other

over a crappy kid's toy?

Trudi was more than a toy. She was my friend.

I practised my snogging on her.

Wasted effort, as it turns out, but...

Oh, I don't know if I do want her now.

This has got jack shit to do with that, and yous both know it.

You were still their baby, you know.

I was their first grandchild.

Both special, just different reasons.

Ow.

Right. First things first, Chucky's sister is going in here.

Then yous two are gonna start patching stuff up.

He's very masterful, isn't he? Oh, yeah.

All my mates are dead jealous. Mm.

Ah, come on.

Can yous two stop sizing me up? I'm using my mind here, not my meat.

Ee, you fucking sex pests. Move.

With a surprisingly sensitive side. Mm, exactly.

STUART: Have you calmed down yet? No.

You know, son, it's most likely those teachers

were just jealous of your mum.

Yeah.

They wish they'd blown up the chemistry lab, then, did they?

Hello? Teacher here too, remember.

Yeah, they would have, with half the kids still inside.

Anyway, it was only a few Bunsen burners.

And that girl's sleeve.

I always knew Ciaron was Mum's favourite, and now...

I know why.

He's the most like her.

Look, mums and dads, they don't have favourites.

So, Nana doesn't?

Oh, God, yeah, yeah, she does.

Your Uncle Duncan, she couldn't be more obvious about it,

but normal parents don't.

I like Nana.

I preferred Nanny, but still, you know...

I'm gonna let you into a little secret.

You're not ill?

You're not suddenly gonna die like Nanny and Grampy?

Oh, no, no, no. At least I hope not.

I mean, I'm getting these funny twinges in my kidneys,

but no, it's... it's that your mum, she does have a favourite,

only it's not our Ciaron.

You mean it is me?

It's me.

You see, what you have to realise, both you and your brother,

is yes, technically you are people,

but more powerfully,

you're proof to the entire world that your mother loves me

enough to start a whole new family with me,

and do a damn sight better job than the shambles I came from.

Thanks, Dad.

Something in me settles when my baby's home.

Well, you've done a better job of being a mum than I have. Nicole.

There's plenty of time for your lads to come good.

Just been talking to your Connor. Our Connor?

OK, both your Connor. Upshot is, I'm leaving Austin.

Aw, I love this little cup.

Sorry, what? What did he say to you?

What did you say to him? Nothing!

He just said that you can't live your life to please your parents.

You can at bloody 12!

And what's that got to do with you and Austin?

It was Mum and Dad who reckoned he was a catch.

I thought, "They've made a go of things,

"they must know what they're on about."

Turns out, did they fuck. Is that kettle on, Nic?

Never mind that. Have you heard the latest? Ursh is leaving Austin.

No! I mean, I get why you'd want to, but why so sudden?

It's been 20 years.

Do you know what? I'm just gonna call him now.

You can't leave your marriage in a phone call!

No. He might cry - kill off any last lingering respect.

I'll send him a text.

Nic, stop her.

That's the first thing they tell you after a bereavement -

don't rush into anything. Who's "they"?

Experts in grief. Grief experts.

It could all come out now, in the heat of the moment.

If she dumps Austin, what's he got to lose?

Less than you have.

Wait, what will all come out, Vetty? Nothing.

She knows nothing, I know nothing, there is nothing to know.

I was gonna send an emoji, take the sting out,

but I don't know what they mean, so...

What's wrong with all your faces?

I wish I knew. Vetty, don't.

Ursh... Oh.

At Mum's funeral... Yvette!

Yeah?

..Austin made a pass at me.

As if.

I told him, "We mustn't, we shouldn't, we can't."

You didn't?

You fucking did.

Was it a one-off? Yeah, it absolutely was.

But then there was another one-off after that.

And then four more. But they were staggered out.

So when the buyer said he was consoling you... With his dick.

What? No! Oh, God, that one really was innocent, I swear.

Cos they walked in on you.

We would have still fought that chemistry, I am pretty sure.

Wait, this was still going on last week? No! I mean...

You knew about this and you didn't think to tell me?

Or Ursh, come to that. I was trying to avoid this!

If it's any consolation, Ursh, I would have told you.

Oh, it's nice to know where your loyalties lie.

Oh, seriously? Everyone knows me and Ursh

are the tightest of the four of us. Oh, do we?

Are we? We barely speak.

You don't always need words with sisters. You know, that bond.

Some bond, eh, Vetty?

Ursh, I am so, so sorry.

It's too late.

Hey, she's just as bad, keeping her secret for her.

You know what that makes you, Nic? What?

Her enabler. OK.

If you didn't enable, she wouldn't be able.

She might have a point there. What did I ever do to hurt you, Yvette?

You broke my collarbone.

You fell off a seesaw, and I was six.

I didn't think you'd be this upset.

It's not like you've nicked my Girl's World.

You fucked my husband, multiple times!

Your own sister's husband.

'Ey, we'd better watch our backs, Nic.

Like Greg would look twice at her. Like I'd look twice at Stuart.

'Ey! You could do a lot wor... you could do worse.

Huh!

Look, let's just take a breath, shall we?

Before one of us says something that there's no rowing back from.

That rowboat has sailed. No, sunk.

Don't say that.

For the first time since this house is being sold, I'm glad,

cos I am sick of the sight of yous.

You not so much.

DOOR SLAMS

Well, I hope you're pleased with yourselves.

Nice one, Vetty.

I actually think it could have gone much worse.

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