Original subtitles

We shouldn't be doing this. I know.

The clothes go to the tip, then the landfill,

then they're sent out into the ocean

and 15 turtles get throttled by Mum's old bras.

But the charity shops keep turning their noses up, so...

No, WE shouldn't be doing this.

We should get a firm in. Concede defeat?

No. Once you've set yourself a challenge,

you've got to see it through, no matter how grim.

Is that why you're still with Austin? Greg!

She's knows I'm only messing.

Sort of is, though.

I think we've reached full capacity with our stuff at the tip.

We've still got so much to do.

Well, we might be able to squeeze one last bag into the car.

BANGING

Mum! Dad!

I can't feel my arm!

Vetty's right. We need to get a firm in.

Yeah, but a firm won't know what to keep. You know, photos, letters.

Well, there you go - photographs and letters. Shall I Google?

But they won't know what's sentimental value.

When you say sentimental... Presents we bought Mum and Dad.

Like the hoover? Yeah, no, that's a real tear-jerker, that one.

What do I Google, Nic? You do it.

If we get a firm in, they'll chuck everything, indiscriminate.

All those photos at the back of drawers of us when we were little.

Good riddance. Some of the monstrosities she decked us out in.

Do you remember those jumpsuits? LAUGHTER

I'd need therapy not to. We looked like The Nolans.

There was more camel toe than Marrakesh.

Why we entrusted our wardrobes to a woman whose aesthetic

consisted of Cliff Richard T-shirts and lurid cagoules, I'll never know.

Ursula! Our poor late Mum.

It's actually a healthy form of grieving,

to move on from seeing the person you've lost as perfect,

and back to a more rounded view

of the deeply flawed person they were in life.

Maybe so, but there's a difference

between that big long sentence you just said

and simply laying into the poor cow.

LAUGHING: God! Do you remember your Little Bo Peep dress?

LAUGHTER

Christ knows what she was thinking there.

I looked like a Victorian ghost. Come on, let's crack on.

Right, we're gonna have to go, babe. My ma and da said that bang on nine,

they're cracking open that bottle of Bacardi,

whether we pick up Poppy or not, so let's go.

Yeah, sound. Where's my jacket?

Oh, shit. Tell me I've not bagged it up.

No. God.

So we're all back here tomorrow, bright and early, yeah?

Oh, and you've all seen the rota on the WhatsApp,

so you can start straightaway, soon as you land.

Did we get that, babe? Er, did we?

Yeah. It had two blue ticks.

WhatsApp's a bad grass. A lie-in on a Sunday might have been nice.

Two weeks, Vetty.

Two weeks till the buyers move in, and we've still got all this to do.

Look, we just have to trust in the universe.

Oh... Is the Milky Way gonna sort out that back room?

Mercury's gonna shift out that stuff from under the stairs?

Well, if you're not gonna take me seriously, sod you.

Has anyone suggested getting a firm in?

Yeah, everyone. But the hoover factors into it somehow.

Just to mention about the buyers, I've said and Nic's agreed,

that Hasim and Nadiya can pop round tomorrow.

THEY GROAN Those grave robbers? Why?

Just to measure up for curtains and... more curtains.

To look for faults, probably, see if they can get any money off.

No-one's that underhand. That's what we did. Got seven grand off.

Hm! Mind you, I really had to kick that skirting board loose

to expose all the dodgy wires. Nice one.

They're not like that, I'm sure. More fool them.

Is that Auntie Vetty's car?

Brilliant. I drill it into all the others to turn up on time,

and we're the ones who rock up late.

Don't know why I always have to come and help, when Ciaron doesn't.

Well, your brother was meant to, until he popped out at the lights.

Wish I'd thought of that quick enough.

Er, I thought you wanted to do this for Nanny and Grampy,

who brought you all those lovely Christmas presents.

But every weekend?

Who took you ten-pin bowling, to Southport fair, the flicks.

"Leatherface". Although how they sneaked him past that usher,

I will never, ever know. I'm knackered.

We all are, son, but you and me are gonna sort these boxes

while your mother comes up with a plausible excuse

as to why we're late.

Oh, I will? So long as it doesn't involve our Ciaron going feral.

And then we'll all just be one teensy-weeny step closer

to getting our normal lives back.

Would they buy rogue horses on the bypass?

Come on, chop-chop.

Come on, son.

Anyone home? All right, Nic?

Hey, you're starting early.

Cos, you know, it's still quite early, isn't it? What?

No, it's not for me. Yvette's had the shit scared out of her.

You'll be OK. What?

You're all right.

I can't catch my breath!

Here, get that down you. Thank God you're here, Nic.

We haven't known what to say to her. What's happened?

Ta! Do you want another one, or, like, a cheeky little chaser?

There's sambuca in there. No, it was just for the shock.

Vetty, what's happened? I'll never get over it.

Turning the corner and seeing him there like that. Who?

Dad. She saw him in Tesco, going through the yellow sticker fridge.

What, our dad? Our dad.

Dad! My dad.

Dad-Dad. Why would it be Dad? Dad-Dad's dead.

I'm not saying it was Dad, Dad-Dad... dead Dad-Dad,

just the fella I saw was head to toe in all of his clobber -

his biker jacket, his old tweed cap.

I know, he must have just picked them all up from Oxfam

after we got rid, but...

..for a second there, I forgot Dad-Dad was dead.

Oh, Yvette. I might have another drop of that,

it's given me the taste. Fuck it, shall we just get bladdered?

I'll have a Bailey's.

I always think that's more of a morning drink, being milky.

Wait, we can't sit around knocking back the ale all day.

Oh, shit, no, we can't. We're driving. I'm not.

What? Er, there's till so much to do.

I don't know that I'll be able. I'm too traumatised.

Vetty, you've not flown in from the Donbas.

You saw someone in a hat. Come on, let's get going.

'Ey! This is how Hitler started, you know!

CUPS CLINKING

Anything I can do to help? Name it, I'm there.

Oh, you could help me clear the loft. I don't do heights.

Did you even bother to look at that rota?

Cos you're supposed... Well, I haven't exactly studied it,

but it's all on there.

Nic, I know it says we're here till six,

but me and Greg have gotta be away by three.

Sorry, what? Yeah, we've gotta get to the Enchanted Kingdom.

Pick up Poppy. It's her little friend Summer's birthday party.

It doesn't take both of you. It does.

I can't drive, and Greg can't stand the other parents. You can't.

I can make it less obvious.

Just try and make up for it while you're here.

Oh, yeah, of course we will, Nic.

Well, I'll be on a go-slow, the shock I've had.

I could have an enlarged heart. For God's sake, Yvette.

Some people have got genuine health concerns. Oh, here we go.

Forgot about her restless legs and her twitchy eye and... Hey.

The unsettled stomach's real enough.

I can vouch for that. Get off!

GREG SNORTS

In fact, if we can earmark all these scented candles...

Oh, for God's sake, Austin.

I'll make a start. LAUGHTER

Yeah, as we all should. Move.

Stop! NICOLE: Connor!

Con? Are you in there?

You'd better not be skiving.

MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES

Oh!

Oh, he's listening to Dad's old vinyl.

They used to spend hours going through them together.

CONNOR: Relax, don't do it When you wanna...

Such a shame Dad didn't teach him how to sing.

At least he came and showed willing. Unlike our Ciaron. Don't.

Do you know what the worst thing is about our Ciaron playing up?

The fear that he'll take it to such extremes,

not even we'll be able to forgive him?

We'll be hounded by the tabloid press,

yelling through the letterbox, "How can you breed such a monster?"

And we'll never know a moment's peace for the rest of our lives,

haunted by the faces of his victims.

No. Meh.

No, it's realising what I put Mum and Dad through

with my teenage antics.

The shoplifting, the blackmail... that little bit of arson.

It was a whole bus stop!

I can just put things right with this one last horrible job.

Bag coming down!

THUD Right!

I meant for you to catch it. Whoops.

Ha. Well, it's probably all for the tip anyway. Well, it will be now.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, God, that's the buyers. This place is a mess!

Ah...

CONNOR SINGING OUT OF TUNE

STUART GROANS

When you wanna go...

I'm stuck!

Connor! Go! Ah!

We was expecting your...

Is that your sister-in-law? Sister.

Oh. Oh. Different dads.

Although my dad was their dad, really,

cos their actual dad buggered off with...

Why is this any of your business? It's not.

She said we could measure up. Mm-hm.

Oh, I know. Even though we all inherited this place equally,

and in my view, should all get an equal say. Hasim!

And another thing that I'm not h... Nadiya! Lovely to see you again.

I'm fine now, Gay.

Gaynor.

Well, let's start through here. OK. Oh, brilliant.

Allow me to show you the dining room.

This is where we, erm... we dine!

It's a bit more, erm... compact than I remembered.

Well, that'll be all the boxes. Oh.

Once they're back out, and they will be, any second...

I'll move one now.

Show you what it could be...

Ooh.

I suppose it all builds up over a lifetime.

It really does.

So, did your mum and dad always live here, then?

Mum did, yeah, and her dad before her.

So you're breaking a long, continuous chain,

but if you're fine with that... I think it's quite nice, actually...

you know, buying into somewhere that's so well loved. Do you?

Erm... Well, I'll leave you to measure up,

and I'll make us a nice cup of coffee. With Gaynor's help.

All right, what's with the attitude?

It's their fault we're having to dismantle our home.

They're not hired assassins who did a hit on Mum and Dad.

She's a pilates instructor and he works for Jaguar.

Do you want them to pull out of the sale? I wouldn't mind.

At least we'd all have a bit more time and a lot less stress.

You reckon? We were lucky to get an offer this quick.

Do you know how long number 14's been on the market? Eileen's?

Yeah, but there you've got that weird smell of dog and marijuana,

and I'm assuming her house smells the same.

This could be hanging over us for years.

You know, I've gotta say, Nic, I was really disappointed

when you heard the word "Dad" earlier and your first thought

was that shithouse who walked out on Mum,

not the man who loved you like his own

and would have done anything for you.

I just didn't believe he'd be wandering around Tesco

12 months after he died, looking for discounted coleslaw. All right?

I'm OK now. I have to be -

your Auntie Nic's got us running round like blue-arsed flies.

'Is that a hint?' No, course that's not a hint.

Fine to stay chatting.

Oh, your order's come? OK, well, you could talk me through it.

No, no, you don't want to leave Marco hanging.

Well, enjoy your quesadilla.

Yeah. OK. I love you t... HE HANGS UP

Yvette? SHE SQUEALS

Jesus tonight, Austin, I thought you were a ghost.

What, for the second time today?

Are you worried your father isn't resting easy,

with the state you've let this place get into? What?!

I was in middle of clearing... What do you want?

I was hoping to find you alone. Oh, God. I bet you were.

I bet. Talk about a dog with a bone. Look, I'm not a dog.

And we agreed that what happened at the funeral stays at the funeral.

Right. And Ainsdale Beach.

And the golf course. HE CHUCKLES

B-But I'd like to think that me and you have always been friends.

Every family party, we'd make a beeline.

Yeah, we did. And then we got too friendly.

And now it's best we avoid each other.

Will you at least reassure me you're OK? What?

Well, Gaynor has Greg to be her rock.

Nic has Stuart to...

I'm sure he's a good listener.

Ursh has me, in emergencies.

Who's in your corner, Yvette?

Oh, Raymond, when he's around.

Uh-huh. And where is he now? Guadalajara.

Can I offer these... strong shoulders to lean on?

Look, no strings, no funny business, just...

someone who cares.

And works out a bit.

If that's all it is, just... two old friends.

Emphasis on the old. SHE LAUGHS

Oi, speak for yourself!

Come here.

Austin! Oh, sorry, Vetty.

Erm, Pavlov's dogs. Ahem.

Hey! Hello again.

Bit more clothed this time. YVETTE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Yeah.

We were hoping to measure up. Mm-hm.

I'm sorry? Oh, the room! Ha! Yeah, sure.

Well, great. Erm, I'll just leave yous to it.

I'll just...

I hope that's the rota you're checking, and not Instagram.

I expect some slacking from the other two.

If you must know, I'm Googling my symptoms.

They say early detection's key.

Early detection? Oh, God, Ursh, no.

Not so soon after Mum and Dad. I'm sorry the timing doesn't suit.

Look, I don't know if it's definitely serious,

but my arms felt weird for ages, and on the drive over, I noticed this.

God, I can't look. Have you shown Austin?

It's bad enough letting my guard down to you. God, I feel sick.

What'd you have for breakfast? With anxiety?

Well, I did manage to get down a pain au chocolat.

Christ. If this is it, just...

Promise you'll put me in with Mum and Dad.

Google said it might be a melano... ma.

Mind, the last few months, it has diagnosed me

with everything from lupus to erectile dysfunction.

Didn't bother the GP with that one.

NADIYA: What, are you blind? You go check the stairs...

Oh. Don't mind me, I'm happy just getting on with it.

Yeah, whatever you need to do.

We wanna watch her.

Ursh, you've got to get over this obsession with your health.

I know Mum and Dad were taken from us too soon,

but you're 20 years younger with a very active lifestyle.

It's not just them, though, is it? Uncle Mick was only 47.

Yeah, I don't think there's a being in a car crash gene.

Are you OK?

Yeah. I mean, obviously, these carpets need to go,

and the wallpaper's a bit dated,

but this is probably the better room than most. Hm!

This fireplace, it's a little bit older than I remembered.

But the whole house is a... Shithole, according to you.

Sorry? I'm amazed you put an offer in,

since you seem to hate everything about the place.

No, not at all.

We actually wanted somewhere that we can put our own stamp on.

By ripping out everything our parents cherished? Ursh.

Although Mum did hate that fireplace.

Well, the fireplace was here when you viewed it,

so don't think we're knocking any money off.

What the hell are they playing at? GIGGLING

Look, maybe we are actually in the way here.

We've already walked in on your sister and her husband. Again.

What, those two?

No, your... your other sister. Not that one.

The, er... the muttony one.

Yvette? She doesn't have a husband. Er...

The one married to him.

No, that's my husband, unfortunately.

Oh. Hello again.

Close family. When you say walked in on...?

They was just, like...

like, consoling each other.

And, I mean, you don't wanna intrude with grief. No.

Whatever form it may take.

We agreed until three. No, we were told until three.

No, you were told until six, and it's not even one.

Am I in the way here? No. Yeah.

Bags coming down!

Maybe a bit, but just do what you need to do

to ensure a smooth sale.

Where are we putting these? Ursula, can you move your car?

You're parked right up my... Excuse me.

OK, yeah. Er, Ursula, could you just move your car, please?

Because you're parked right up my arse.

No, Austin is.

I'm an excellent parker.

I thought we were all leaving at the same time. Didn't we all?

Enchanted Kingdom have been on the phone.

Poppy's only gone and head-butted that little Summer.

Great. Thanks, Greg.

Well, five-year-old birthday parties can get pretty rowdy.

What? Is the little girl all right?

Well, her head's gonna sting, but we can slap some Sudocrem on

when we get home. I'm sure it was an accident.

No, Nic. That little Summer was hogging the curly slide,

and if there's one thing our Poppy can't stand, it's injustice.

She gets that from us.

Well, is it any wonder she's lashing out?

Mummy and Daddy round here all the time, starving her of attention.

It's probably affecting all the grandkids.

Do you think we should go? Defo.

Have you done everything you needed to do?

Oh... Erm... Erm...

No, but I can't help but feel we've come at a bad time. Yeah.

You reckon?

Before we go... MUTTERS: Fuck's sake.

Besides pilates, I actually do teach a bit of wellness.

I can't help but wonder if all of yous are, you know,

taking the time just to practise some proper self-care.

Just seems like, to me,

that yous are all just piling stress on top of stress here.

The cheeky bitch.

Don't know why you ever let them in here, Nicole.

I was doing them a favour. They've already got Mum and Dad's house,

what more do they want? Shall we chuck in a few of the kids?

Nicole doesn't need to hear this. Huh?

Doesn't she?

But I mean, yeah, yeah, it was...

way too much, expecting us all

to clear this great big house on our own.

And yeah, yeah, it was madness

to have ever taken it on so soon after two massive bereavements.

And yes, again, yeah, it has driven us all to the very edge

and, in the process... shredded the entire family's mental health.

Huh.

Can somebody just help me out here?

I reckon you've summed it up there, Stu.

Do you all feel like this? Bit less ranty, but yes.

You won't often hear me say this,

but I think Gaynor and Vetty are right.

We need to get a firm in.

I was just hoping we'd be able to do one last thing for the both of them.

I've always worried I wasn't a good enough daughter.

Aw, you were.

Yeah, no, I was, wasn't I? GAYNOR: We all were.

And let's face it, Mum'd be the last person to take all this on.

She never did a tap of housework. Er, Vetty.

She was a feminist, and she never wanted to be anybody's drudge.

And I've carried that into my home life with Greg. Yeah, I know.

Can't we just all focus on filtering out what really matters?

Then we can get a load of big lads with a van to sort the rest.

Mum's feminist ideals burn strongly in you, eh? We'll get everyone over.

Raymond, everyone. Yeah. I suppose he did grow up here.

Er, yeah, he did.

You're right.

We should focus on the things that are most precious to us.

Oh, love.

I really wish you'd realised this sooner.

SHE YELPS

RELIEVED SIGH

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