Original subtitles

Hiya, sweetie-pie, it's only Mum.

Thought you might have landed by now. Should have.

Maybe send me a text, let me know you got home safe.

Unless you didn't.

Unless this is air rescue

and you've salvaged his phone from the wreckage.

If it is, will you just call me back, please?

I'd rather know the worst now

than be left tearing my hair out like this.

Otherwise, just when you get chance, son.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

Right, I think that's everything.

'Kin 'ell. How much crap does a four-year-old need?

I packed less going on Marlon's stag.

Get your coat on, Pop.

Mm-hm. Have you felt the weight of this?

This arm...

Oh, I see.

I take it yous two will be clearing up all day, then, yeah?

I don't see what the rush is.

The buyers have got to sell their place first.

And in Crocky? Snob.

Come for the drive-bys, stay for the cheap weed.

Is it, yeah?

How much are they charging round there these days?

Ooh! Oh, thank God. Raymond. He's landed back safely.

Might tell him to ignore that last message.

Where's he been? Ouagadougou.

Not according to Insta. Or not unless they've moved the Sphinx.

Oh, Cairo, is it?

He tells this thing more than he tells me, since Marco came along.

Oh, doesn't he look dead manly on that camel?

Do you reckon?

Right, so we'll be back about, what, one-ish?

Three, and not "ish".

Three? Really?

Babe, what am I supposed to do with her all day?

She's your daughter as much as mine, Greg.

Is she? That's good to know.

No, OK, I get the gist. Come on, Popperella,

let's get you to the park.

Ah, have a lovely day.

Yeah, I'll try. Bye.

Yeah, I was talking to Pop, but...

Oh, come on, Pop.

He keeps saying stuff like, "Nearly six months now, babe,

"since your ma, so do you reckon it's a yes to Stevo's 30th?"

Seems to think with grief, you keep levelling up,

like Donkey Kong.

No. I need to go at my own pace.

Yeah.

Oh, for God's sake, Stuart, put some effort in.

I'm more concerned about putting my back out.

What's all this in aid of anyway?

I'm barely though the door and he's got me hefting freezers.

We're still being hammered by the leccy bill

and I just think the more we can get unplugging... Don't.

Don't what?

Talk about unplugging. Makes me think of Mum.

Would it not make more sense to unload the thing first?

Possibly. Where did I put that big roll of bin bags?

So much meat. It's like Dennis Nilsen's wardrobe.

Seems a waste to chuck it.

"Product of Yugoslavia."

Hasn't been a sovereign state since 1992.

It's weird, isn't it?

She'll have stocked this freezer for the very last time

before she realised she had, preparing meals that she'd never...

That's really cold.

I can't even remember the last thing she said to me.

I remember with Dad.

He shouted at me to get my indicator fixed.

I've still got Mum's last voice message.

I've never played it.

You what? That could be important, like our mother's dying wishes.

The thing is, it was such a rush when she had her turn,

and when I finally spotted it, I... I couldn't handle it.

Do you wanna listen to it now?

The two of us together?

Well, do you wanna listen to it now, just the two of us together?

Do you? Do you?

The thing is, if we don't...

..then there's still something to hear from her.

Found them. Well, shall we?

Cornettos!

So, now that we're all here... we've got some exciting news.

Just news, Stu.

Our buyers have accepted an offer on their flat,

which means they're ready and willing to exchange on this place.

You messing us?

As soon as poss.

What? I know. Bastards.

How soon is "as poss"?

We said four weeks.

That's not as poss. That's imposs.

We'll never get this place cleared in time.

More to the point, we're not ready. Isn't that the same?

Emotionally. When will we ever be?

It's not like we're gonna wake up one morning and think,

"Sod the memories, let's just get rid of the place."

Isn't it? You got it onto the market quick enough.

You were practically calling the estate agent from the wake.

I'm surprised they could hear you

through the mouthful of sausage roll.

Any road, that freezer won't empty itself.

Enjoy your ice creams.

What am I meant to tell Poppy?

She doesn't even know about Mum and Dad yet.

What? Dad's been dead nearly a year.

Does she just think he's gone on a mammoth trip to the shops?

She's not stupid.

We told her he'd gone on a lovely long cruise, and then when...

Well, when Mum went, we said she liked the sound of it so much,

she went out there to join him. I might tell myself that.

What happens when they never come back,

when they don't send birthday cards or anything for Christmas?

She'll just say they fell overboard,

and they're happily living with a family of mermaids.

That could work.

I'm just trying to protect her.

Trouble is, it doesn't feel real yet.

The funerals felt pretty real.

With Mum and Dad, yeah... but losing our childhood home,

that's a bereavement, too.

No shit.

You can't exactly bury a house.

Well, we could have some sort of wake.

There is a freezer full of food that needs to be flung.

Aw! Look at you!

Well, I think it's a brilliant idea - one last big family bash,

like we've always done, so you can all move on. Finally.

Will you do all Mum's special sides and sauces?

What do you mean, "would I"? I've got no idea what went into them.

A lot of foul language when she was up against the clock.

I'd struggle to even guess. Most of it didn't really taste like food.

Or look like it.

No, but we still had it at every family do.

The purple sauce, that thing that might have been potatoes.

It wouldn't be the same without.

So get Austin to have a crack at it.

SHE SCOFFS

Your Austin? Yeah. He's a surprisingly good cook.

He really wanted to apply for MasterChef, but I told him, I said,

"That Monica Galetti is gonna make fucking mincemeat out of you."

Well, I think we should do it as soon as possible

because this meat's already starting to defrost.

Well, it will, if you keep unpacking it.

I know. Would tomorrow be too soon?

No. Raymond could come. He'll be back from Cairo.

Suits me.

Won't you need to check with Austin? What's it got to do with him?

A little advance warning might have been nice.

Alternatives might have been nice,

this is the situation we're stuck with.

Do you know how many times I've googled,

"How to seem supportive to a suffering wife"? Not enough.

Nowhere has it mentioned catering a sit down meal

for a whole extended family at less than 24 hours' notice.

They're taking advantage.

I offered. Yeah. I didn't.

For God's sake, Austin.

The entire landscape of the family is being rewritten.

If you don't make more effort,

we might find ourselves completely ostracised.

They're your sisters and they've known me for 20 years.

That's the problem.

What, they've said that? They find me problematic?

Not in so many words, no. It's more my take.

Wow.

Look, it's not just my family, is it?

It's our whole social life. If we don't come here most weekends,

or wherever else they move on to next,

we'll just be at home, sat there, staring at each other.

I will. I'll win them over.

Just you watch me.

God!

All right. Bye, bye.

Ah! Can be bloody helped. Frigging Marco, the knob jockey.

Raymond can't make it. Oh, why?

That country house up Preston way

they were all set to book for the wedding? Hah.

Marco's gone digging on TripAdvisor. Turns out it's haunted.

Ooh, boss! Yeah, only by a wailing widow.

Even if she did manifest, we'd never hear her over the disco.

But of course Marco's insisting they check out alternatives.

Our Ciaron can't be bothered either. Connor!

It's not like that.

My theory is, he just doesn't wanna get caught blubbering.

He's far more sensitive than he ever acts. Yeah.

He's in Southport now with his mates, playing crazy golf.

Yeah, that's only to distract himself from his inner turmoil.

Hey, hey, hey!

That's what I like to see...

..my family around me.

Plus...

How are we connected?

Nephew.

Ah. Nic!

Mwah. Mm... No, no, one's fine.

Hey! Who do we have here?

The man, the myth, the legend. Stu? Come on.

Ha-ha! Ugh!

You're pushing a fork into my lung.

Oh. Don't seem to have drawn any blood. Ha-ha-ha!

I can't be faffing about here, hugging and kissing.

I've got serviettes to place.

Please excuse my husband's unexpected bonhomie,

even if it is so sudden, out of nowhere,

and completely weirding everybody out.

Am I?

I'm just happy to see my family.

It's not exactly a happy occasion, is it?

Oh, somebody's been busy. Yeah, I was up till three.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

But, hey, it's a privilege to do this...

What are we calling this? Bye-bye, Nanny And Grampy's House.

Ha-ha! No, what are the grown-ups calling this?

Bye-bye, Nanny And Grampy's House.

Well, it's an honour to do this... thing that's currently being done.

And I mean that... from the heart.

Oh, God.

Are those spuds done yet, Stu?

We've done it just like Mum did.

It's exactly like. Even went back to the old photies.

Ah, Ursh. Forgot you used to be a Goth.

I was always a bit scared of ya. I was never a Goth.

But...?

Weird lighting. Oh.

And...? No.

Maybe it wasn't the Gothiness as such that scared me.

We are doing the right thing here? We're not just torturing ourselves?

Bit from column A, bit from column B.

Still two people missing, though, eh?

Well, three, with Raymond being AWOL and...

and Ciaron, so that's... that's four.

We know what you mean.

Anyone home?

There she is! Hello.

Say hello to your aunties.

Hiya, Pops! You all right?

Nic, is your Connor about? Oh, yeah, he's through kitchen.

Sound. She's been desperate to play with him all day,

haven't you, girl? No. You have. She has.

What are you like, eh?

He spent two hours with her feeding the quack-quacks

and thinks that's his job done for the year.

I like your dress. Oh, ta. But don't distract me.

He thinks, from today, that's grieving completed.

Keeps sending me links for city breaks,

"I'm liking Rome."

How's that gonna look on my socials?

Me, perched on the rim of the Trevi Fountain,

looking like I'm poised to chuck myself in.

I've got one like that, from my honeymoon.

PHONE PINGS Oh, here we go. Another one.

Bloody Krak-ow.

It's Krak-off, isn't it? Krak-of.

Well, he can "fuck of". THEY LAUGH

Don't! I'm angry with him.

New York and he might have won me over.

To be fair to Greg, it is nice in Krakow.

Dead cheap.

Mind you, Auschwitz takes the shine off a bit.

Sick. Thanks, Uncle Greg.

Wan-ka, wan... What did she just call me?

She's being a quack-quack, aren't you, girl? Eh? Oh.

Why don't you go and waddle off out into the garden,

and Con can be a big bad wolf, who, if he catches ya,

he'll rip your head off at the neck.

That sound like fun? Mm-hm. Go on, then.

Way too violent for a four-year-old.

Way too boring for me. Oh, don't be tight, lad. Come on.

She's already quacked off.

Raaarr...

Ah, it's special, that, isn't it? Eh?

The bond they've got.

Et voila.

You've left the eyes in half of these.

Picky fuck... You're looking smart, Greg.

Well, you know, it's a special occasion, isn't it?

I thought we'd all be making an effort.

What, you don't call this making an effort? Jesus.

What have I got to do to get some appreciation from this family?

Try dropping the attitude, for one.

I mean, I was gonna offer help, but...

Don't!

Seriously. It's not worth it.

It's a brand-new shirt, this, you know.

Well, I mean, it's been hanging up in the wardrobe for ages

cos every time we get asked to go out, Gaynor's like,

"Well, I can't face it cos my ma and da are still too dead."

No, I'm defo not trying to say, like, "Get over it."

I'm not, no, but it is something along them lines, like.

Well, Nicole does keep telling me

that until you've lost your own parents

you just can't imagine it, and I have tried.

Frequently.

Well, here's a thought.

Why don't the three of us go out? Huh?

Come on. Band of brothers. In law.

We'd dress it up - three spouses supporting each other

so we can better support them, but really, Uber into town,

hit the docks. The boys mean business.

Nah, no chance. Funny, you, lad!

POPPY CRYING

I'm coming, babe! Don't tell your mum. I'm coming, I'm coming!

Oh, Poppy...

So you actually told her outright that Nanny and Grampy were dead?

No. No.

Well, at first, I said they went to heaven...

..but she didn't know where that was.

Quite an abstract concept at four. At 44.

She'd never even heard of it.

We wanted her to make up her own mind.

Oh, but you were happy to tell her

that they're swimming around with SpongeBob SquarePants?

I'm meant to just never mention them?

No, no, no, no, no. Of course not, son.

Maybe just a little less than you do, be all right.

I thought she knew by now.

It's nearly been a year since Grampy.

You don't have to tell us.

We just couldn't face the conversation.

I tried a couple of times, but, er, I needed a few bevvies first,

you know, bit of Dutch courage.

But in the end, it was, "Alexa, play a bit of old-school garage,"

and we were making a night of it.

Oh, you should have asked me over. Um-tss-um-tss-um-tss...

So when was it that he walloped her one? I didn't.

I just thought, from all the racket she was making...

It's cos he went and told her about Mum and Dad.

Wait, you're not gonna unplug the PlayStation again, are ya, Mum?

Again! Connor!

Nobody is blaming you, son. Aren't they?

Well, they shouldn't be. He's just a kid himself. I'm 12.

To be fair, it was getting harder and harder

to find things for them to do on that ship. I suppose.

I don't think she ever believed they were into Thai boxing. No.

Erm, in case anyone's interested,

and I haven't been busting my balls for nothing, grub's up.

Ooh!

Ha! Have you seen that?

Defo smash.

What?

I thought we were playing Smash Or Pass.

It's a picture of our Nic when she was younger.

Shit. Stu did well for himself.

You did well for yourself, Gregory. Remember that.

Mmm, mate!

You are gonna have to show me how to cook these. I can't.

I honestly believe it's a God-given gift,

and I don't even believe in God.

I can't share what I do because...

I don't know what I do.

It's just a talent I'm naturally blessed with.

The potatoes aren't quite the same. What have you done with them?

Didn't burn them. None of it's like our mum made it.

Thank you.

We were stupid to think we could turn back the clock.

We'd already had the last of Mum's cooking. Every cloud, eh?

Feel guilty enjoying this more than Nanny's.

If your nanny was here, she'd understand.

Do ghosts eat? No, I'm saying if she hadn't died.

Oh. Why are we saying bye to her house, then?

I'm just saying that Uncle Austin is blatantly a better chef

and she just wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

This is what we all need to do, is just move on.

I mean, your mum was an amazing mother-in-law,

but, I mean, come on, she couldn't cook for shit.

No, no, no, no, it's only right that we let her recipes die with her.

How about a toast to absent friends? Oh, yeah.

By which I mean the dead ones, not our Raymond and our Ciaron.

Yeah, we know, love, we know.

To Reggie and Sandra. Reggie and Sandra.

To Mum and Dad. To Nanny and Grampy.

HE DINGS GLASS

Ahem. I'd like to say a few words.

Really? If I may.

Cos I think that's very ill-advised...

I'm aware that you all find me off-putting.

What? Who said that? Ursula.

None of us think that.

No, no.

If I am, it's only because, quite frankly,

I've always felt under-appreciated.

I was just getting my rejection in first.

God, he listens to one podcast.

To see you all here enjoying my food like this...

..I finally feel like part of a family.

A slightly shrunken family these days, perhaps,

but I sincerely hope that once this place has gone,

we'll all still find somewhere to gather together.

Me and my fambo.

Sit down.

Well, let's see, eh?

It seems like today is the day for letting go.

I think I'm ready.

For what?

Mum's last voicemail.

You what?

You had a message from her and you kept it from us?

Yeah, she did. And you knew about it, too? What?

It got overlooked in the last few days

and I've not been able to face it since.

Yeah, OK. I see.

No, fair enough.

If I never play it, if I never hear her last words,

then there'll always be a part of me that won't accept the loss.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

It's not a good thing. Oh.

So, anyway, I... I'd like to play it today.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, do you mind if I go outside, please?

Don't wanna hear her voice.

Why, what's wrong with her voice, lad?

Oh, shit, yeah.

Do you mind taking our Pop as well, kid?

Come on, Pop. POP: No.

Anyone else?

I'm fine.

I'll stay for you, babe, yeah? Ta.

CONNOR: I'll take you out.

We can have a race against the lawnmower. Come on.

MUFFLED TALKING ON PHONE

You might wanna pop it onto loud...

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

'Hiya, sweetie-pie, it's Mum. Can you do me a favour?

'There's a thing tonight on Channel 5 about Jimmy Savile.

'I always said never trust a man in that much jewellery.

'Anyway, can you record it for me?

'Oh, Christ, that little camp nurse is on his way over.

'Nothing against his sex life, but he was practically doing jazz hands

'when he changed my catheter.

'Look, I'll see you when you come in, love.

'Don't forget, Channel 5. I'd hate to miss it.

'Ta-ra. Oh... I can't... Oh...' HANGS UP

Good. Well, that's that.

Greg?

It's just hit me that, erm... that she's gone.

That they're both gone.

Oh, babe.

HE CRIES

I'd actually convinced myself that they'd gone on that fucking cruise.

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