Original subtitles

Is this where, er...?

Where what? You know.

Is this where the old woman died?

Oh, my mother? No. Oh.

Er, this one's a bit of a mess, sorry.

Did she pass away in here, then?

No! Shall we?

Ooh! SHE CHUCKLES POLITELY

Well, is this where...? She died in hospital.

THEY LAUGH Phew!

Argh! Argh! Oh!

Argh! Nicole!

This really... isn't how it looks.

DOOR OPENS BELOW WOMAN: I'm back!

Sorry I took so long. That Tesco Express takes forever.

They were out of squirty cream, so I got lemon curd.

As you can see, the... the fitted wardrobes are quite new.

Thanks for helping me untie him.

Yeah. Mm-hm, er, yeah.

So, they seemed nice. Do you think they'll make an offer?

Well, it just depends what their requirements are.

South-facing garden, off-street parking...

own sex dungeon. If I'd known you were showing buyers round...

Oh, I'm in the wrong?

You've got a married man tied bare-arse to our late parents' bed.

Well, it's the only double. And I'm in the wrong?

I'm forty-fucking-five! Everyone available is married.

They're not all married to our sister.

Oh! Well, I wondered when you'd get round to that.

It's all the trauma. I'm not thinking straight.

When did this start?

Er, March.

Mid-March.

March the 14th.

NICOLE GASPS

Not Mum's funeral?! No!

After. Four o'clock-ish. I needed to be held.

And what was his excuse? Grief hits people in different ways.

You got that tattoo! Yeah, and when the money

from this place comes through, I'm having it lasered.

Doesn't even look like Mum and Dad. Christ...

God, Nicole. Have you never tried knocking?

Did you not knock?! Why's everyone making it my fault?

I felt objectified. Proper pervs!

They were in shock. They'd come to view the house,

not his meat and two veg. Nicole!

You know he had that accident on his bike.

One veg. Not that it's held him back.

Look, I know how this must seem,

but it's really not worth upsetting Ursula about.

It was just one moment of madness.

She says it's been going on since March.

It was just six moments of madness.

Oh, very nice (!)

So I'm a mistake?

Look, I don't think you appreciate the stress I've been under.

Ursula isn't the woman I married.

Don't you blame our Ursula for this, you snake in the grass.

Why do you think she's changed?

Dietary? Ooh...

We've ALL been affected.

First we lost Dad.

TEARFULLY: Then, six months later, me mum.

You exploited me.

At my lowest ebb, you made me betray the most sacred bond.

Oh, Yvette.

I can't be held responsible for this.

Right, well, um, I think the best thing we can all do now,

and for as long as we live,

is to pretend like this never happened. Mm.

So...

seeing as I'm not really here, I'll just...

I'll see myself out.

YVETTE SOBBING

What did Ursula ever see in him?

Anyway, best be off myself. I'm halfway through Selling Sunset.

Hey, if I pick up any tips...

Oh, you're going nowhere, lady.

I'm sick of sorting this place out on me tod.

I want that front room cleared by close of play today,

and you're staying to help. Sorry, this is the future?

You rumble me and Austin, suddenly I'm your skivvy?

Mm-hm.

DOORBELL Is that him back?

Oh, God.

Sorry we're, er, a little bit late.

Stopped by the gym. Oh, not for... Just had to drop off, er...

..something. What?

Stu, what?

Our Ciaron. Oh, for God's sake, Stuart! He's s'posed to be grounded.

And I told him to make sure he's back before... you are.

Is this our Ciaron? What's he done now?

Hello, sweetheart. Don't say "now". He egged...

Neighbour's car. And the neighbour.

Yeah, caught her square in the bosom. Which one?

Left.

Which neighbour?

That Tamsin, or whatever she calls herself.

So you can't really blame him.

No, you never do.

Can we just drop it, please?

Oh, God!

And how did the viewing go?

Terribly. They said it stank.

Didn't he, Nicole? Of piss... iddle. Piddle.

That's the only reason they're not buying. Piddle.

So, are you proud of your littlest nephew?

Doing a sponsored silence for his Scouts badge. Aw!

Is it for... LOWERS VOICE: ..cancer?

In honour of Nanny and Grampy, Con?

It's for paraplegics, in honour of, er...

Professor X from X-Men.

Aw! What are people giving?

Think I can stretch to 10p.

Er... Austin and Ursh gave 60 quid.

Did they?

Yeah. And we've banned him off his phone,

so he can't go gassing to his mates when we're not looking.

And he'd been going on PornHub.

Ooh, has he?

I remember when all he'd watch was Finding Nemo on a loop.

Right, now we're all here, let's make a start on sorting.

If we can just get this one room done...

Well, er, I was planning on going through the books upstairs.

Get loads off to the charity shop?

No, it's more that I've finished my Jack Reacher,

but, yeah, I... I can filter through any crap.

Eh? For "charidee".

Careful. When I took that last load to Save the Children,

there was one on the Moors Murders, and if looks could kill...

Oh, keep Con away from any Jilly Cooper, the mucky pup.

Come on, son.

Right, let's clear some floor space, and then...

SHE SIGHS

..there'll be some space on the floor.

Oh, God.

DOOR OPENS Nicole? Are you here? Yvette?

Ursula!

Shit!

I know you are...

YVETTE WHIMPERING

I saw your cars on the drive.

Yes, that's where we park them. But why are you here?

What are you up to?

Just, er...

general sorting.

I'm about to heft that table.

You'll never guess what's happened at my gym.

Apparently, some lad doing kettlebell swings

has hurled a 35-pounder

through a plate glass window overlooking the pool.

Concussed some woman doing aqua aerobics

and shattered another one's jaw.

Bloodbath. Yeah, I'd never have guessed that.

But I thought, "Not to worry,

"I can always use the exercise bike at Mum and Dad's."

More than they ever did.

Well, Mum used to dry her tights on the handles.

By the way, does your Ciaron use that membership we've got him?

Yeah. Cos I won't renew it next birthday if he isn't.

He is. That's, er...

That's the only reason you're here, is it, Ursh?

For the bike?

I know there's some cheap dig at me there,

but since I can't work out what it is, I'll let it slide.

Just hang this up.

Why's she being nice to me?

My God, she knows.

Are your kneecaps still attached? Yeah.

Then no, she doesn't know. Oh.

I feel quite guilty now.

Now?

Who's putting the kettle on?

Ooh, yeah, I'd love a coffee.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

The crap in these cupboards!

No wonder Mum's diabetes went nuclear.

She had her pleasures and hang the consequences.

Now we're all bereft.

She was hardly Amy Winehouse. Do you think she stashed any biccies?

I could just go one with my coffee.

You OK, Ursh? Yeah, I'm fine.

Just...

Me skin's quite irritated.

And I'm not really sleeping at the moment.

Get in! Biccies.

Don't take the piss, but...

I think I've developed that restless leg syndrome.

Kicking out all night like someone cursed to cancan.

I can't think why.

My hair's the best it's ever been. Work's going great.

Even Austin's being tolerable.

We just lost Mum and Dad!

No. Do you know what I think might help?

What? If you went through that front sideboard,

boxed up anything of value and binbagged the rest.

Just as a distraction. No.

GAYNOR: Anyone here? Er, yeah, everyone.

That's it - I'm moving back!

STUART: Hey, Connor! Auntie Gaynor's here!

Oh. And Ursula.

But Auntie Gaynor!

What's happened this time?

Oh, every two seconds, it's, "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!"

And when it's not, it's, "Babe. Babe. Babe."

You know, I swear there's some kind of defect on Greg's side.

They're incapable of doing anything for themselves.

Oh, could someone help me?

Aw, but not little Poppy?

No, she's the worst!

You know, this morning, she wanted me to braid her hair.

She's only sat watching Peppa Pig! Who's looking at her?

No, it takes me all my time to get meself up,

washed and dressed, do me own hair and makeup.

Your nails.

Oh, yeah. You noticed!

Trying a new shade from the Goth range.

Midnight Haemorrhage.

THEY SNIGGER

Is no-one putting the kettle on?

THEY MUTTER

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, we made quite the impressive haul.

Some stuff about the Nazis, one about Chernobyl,

and when we go back up, we'll start on your dad's shelf.

There's a book I got him for Father's Day I'd like back. Softy!

I just haven't read it yet.

The Life Of Josef Fritzl.

It's probably more Mum's thing, now I think on.

Of course, I'm the one this has all hit hardest.

How'd you work that one out?

You've all got one parent that's still alive.

Yeah, who buggered off when the three of us were tiny.

I couldn't even tell you what he looked like.

Sort of Dracula meets Rod Stewart?

Your dad was more my dad than our dad.

He walked me up the aisle, and Ursula.

Helped raise the grandkids.

Well, that's it. You got free childcare.

Hey, Connor, why don't you tell your Auntie Gaynor

about your sponsored silence?

Ah! HE LAUGHS

Oh, I nearly got you there!

The paraplegics wouldn't have thanked me for that. Or you.

It was just a prank.

Is he being monitored, though?

Cos anyone can say they're staying silent.

One of us is with him at all times,

except bog times and when it gets boring.

Now we've finished our coffees,

let's make a start on clearing this room.

Bit of teamwork, we can make some headway.

'Ey, I'm not ready to let go yet.

Of the Diana plate?

I'm just here to ride the bike.

Well, you need to clear a path first.

Lugging some boxes might exercise your... triceps, is it?

Triceps, biceps, abdominals...

trapezium, pectorals, dorsals. It's actually not a bad idea.

DOORBELL Oh, God, who the hell's that now?

Poppy! Is she here?

What do you think? Come on, then, babe.

POPPY: Auntie Nic-Nic!

Is that my little princess?

Have you got a huggy-huggy for Uncle Stuey?

Yeah! THUD

My balls...

Come on, Pops. Let's go and get a juice,

far away from Chubby Brown.

I can't see.

I'm not gonna kiss them better.

'Ey, where's Gaynor?

GAYNOR: I'm just not emotionally prepared.

HE MUTTERS

My plums!

Here you go, Pop-Pops. Woof!

This is her latest thing.

She wants it out of a bowl, like a dog.

Oh, right. Um...

Our poor Bongo's permanently parched.

Shouldn't you be in there, talking to your wife?

And maybe, you know, shifting a chair or two?

What? No. If she doesn't wanna be with me, sod her.

But Poppy needs her mum.

And her uniform sorting for tomorrow. I'm clueless.

You don't mean that.

I know there's some sort of tie involved.

You don't mean "sod her". I do. Don't I?

No, I do! I do.

I mean, come on, Nic. I'm still a good-looking lad.

I know you are. Very. And Gaynor knows it.

Any second now, she'll come running.

Just watch.

GAYNOR: And she's as bad!

My daughter doesn't even seem to be missing me. Oh...

Any second.

..you have no idea what that's like.

Don't pretend you care, you just want to gossip.

I can't even rely on you... I can wait.

How long's he been here now?

And he hasn't so much as cocked his head round the door.

He's so pig-headed.

It's quite sexy!

I'd imagine.

I've had it with him. I'm changing my Facebook status.

Only to "It's complicated", but...

he can consider that a warning shot.

Oh, for f... Why did we cancel the Wi-Fi?

Mum and Dad's ghosts don't email.

For all we know. Er, we know that much.

You can get next door's if you squidge up against the alcove.

Not a word. "Alcove"?

"Squidge". Well, she's squidging.

Which network is it? There's "SexMonster62" here.

That's number 34.

You'd think they'd have changed it after the court case.

Maybe I won't use theirs. I know Bob was acquitted, but...

Next door's is "UseYourOwnFriggingWiFi".

Password's just "password".

Woof!

Er, Nicole, I think Gaynor's little girl

is having some kind of neurological attack.

What, your niece? Woof! Yeah.

She's just pretending to be a doggy, aren't you, sweetheart?

Moo! SHE GASPS

Or an asthmatic cow!

OK, well, don't be a cow near Auntie Ursula.

Go on, off you go.

Moo!

Look at her, off to... pastures new.

All right, then, Ursh. Come on, let me have it.

Tell me how I'm being a shit husband

and how I'm letting your little sister down.

What? I just wanted to get away from the histrionics.

Oh, fair play.

Gregory? Oh, what? Will you get in there and sort your wife?

She's doing my head in. And mine.

I constantly feel like I'm walking on, um...

Oh, what's the word? Um...

Sunshine? Eggshells? Them.

All's I've gotta say to her,

"What's up with your face, mardy arse?"

And it's like I'm the worst in the world!

What am I doing wrong, Nic?

I just think the answer is improved communication. Try telling him that!

No, you tell him. To be fair, I heard her say it myself.

He's been no support at all since Mum and Dad.

Well, I don't know what to say, do I, babe? That's me point!

I don't know why we're the only ones being singled out here.

Look, we've been here 20 minutes, and me so-called nephew

hasn't even said "Hello", or "Kiss my arse", or anything.

Oh, he's doing a sponsored silence, for paraplegics.

Nice. Old-school, kid.

At least someone's getting paid for the silent treatment.

By some of us.

Look at us all! Those two are stropping.

Aw, she knows I love her, the narky cow.

And there's Ursh with her restless legs.

STUART EXCLAIMS

Sorry.

I just think we all need to open up more.

And there is something I would like to share with you

that only Vetty and I know.

Whoa, you two-faced little...

There's children present! ..tart!

I... showed buyers around this morning.

What?!

Oh.

Yes! That.

And you're two-faced for not consulting everyone.

Though I understand why you didn't

and now don't think you're two-faced at all.

Or a tart.

Er, I wish I could say the same.

You sneaked this on the market

without any say-so from the rest of us?

No-one agreed to a plan. I was born in this house.

I didn't know that. Oh, yeah.

Mum went into labour during Inspector Morse.

She hoped to ride it out before the case was cracked.

Dad's face when he got in! Do you remember?

Oh, d'you remember James?

He thought he was coming round for some home brew!

Jim delivered me. What, he was a doctor?

No. He was a sales rep for Cadbury's Roses.

That's how I got my middle name - Jim.

POPPY GROWLS Nicole,

the little girl's going feral again. Aw!

Come to your Auntie Nic, Pops.

Let's go through Nanny's dressing-up box.

Yeah, that's the laundry basket. It's been there since Mum took ill.

She doesn't know.

This is the only place we meet.

It's the focal point, the hub of our family.

She's right. Once it's gone, we'll all go our separate ways

and only ever speak through the family WhatsApp.

There's a family WhatsApp? In theory.

Look, I don't make friends easily - they always want something -

but I thought the one thing I could say about my family

was that you're obligated to be there for me.

I can't believe you would sell our childhood home from under us.

A time comes when we have to put away childish things.

Says who? I have to say, Nic, I thought you and Stu

were gonna take the place on. Sell your house,

buy the rest of us out. That was NEVER the plan.

It was in my mind. It's what we all hoped.

That'd suit everybody, wouldn't it? You wouldn't have to lift a finger.

You'd fillet out what you wanted and leave the clearing down to me,

just as Christmases would be down to me, and birthdays and get-togethers.

So selfish.

Look, if it matters so much, why doesn't one of you buy the place?

ALL SCOFF

I didn't work my sweet patootie off to end up back where I started.

I'm giving up me beach view for no-one.

I'm on my own now our Raymond's flown the coop.

I'd be rattling around like a fart in a bottle.

D'you know, I never got that. A fart's a gas. It doesn't rattle.

It just expands to fill the available space.

Oh, I know. I used to share a bedroom with Nicole.

LAUGHTER

You're all so full of it.

You all grew up here, but what about my lads?

What, am I supposed to uproot them from their... What?

Chest... Chest...

Floor?

Lung. Lung carpet?

He's going into cardiac arrest! Do something, Greg!

Oh, fuck the paraplegics, kid, just spit it out.

Can he write?

Course he can write, he's in Year...

Oh, I see what you mean.

No. No writing, no texting.

Unless, like, he'd been, say, shot, or something.

Well, could he point out the words in a book?

Oh! Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Er, Trainspotting.

I got that for Mum. When you're done, I'll have it back.

"I". Easy.

Aw! "Love".

"Smack"? Connor!

Ah. "This"...

.."house."

"I love this house."

So you don't wanna see it sold.

All right, there, son, you're not coming live from Her Majesty's.

Mum and Dad, if this is what you want,

for the house to stay in the family, send us a sign.

Oh, don't start this again.

Well, when Hairy Dawn's brother died,

he kept liking her tweets.

That was someone taking the piss. Yeah, her dead brother.

As if anyone but her gives a toss about those cats.

Any sign.

WHISPERS: Any sign.

SHE SIGHS

DOORBELL

Oh, I've got chills!

Greg, I've got chills. Yeah, I've just filled my kecks.

It's probably our Ciaron.

I sent him a text saying we were still here.

Go on, then. 'Ey...

Even if it is our Ciaron, he's their grandson.

Did they send him as a messenger?

No. Well, I'd need more proof than my son cadging a lift.

MAN: Are your mum and dad in?

WOMAN: Are we supposed to follow him?

Oh, hi. Hello again.

And you.

You all right?

So, we've been thinking, and, you know, despite...

everything...

..we feel like this house has got a proper family feel to it.

So, er...

Look, we'd like to put in an offer.

SHE GASPS

Bollocks!

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