Original subtitles

We robbed our boss, Al

Right now, your tiny thimble of sperm

Right now, your tiny thimble of sperm

is being mixed with my underperforming eggs

and we could be parents soon.

Oh my God! They've fertilised five eggs! That's incredible!

Oh my God! They've fertilised five eggs! That's incredible!

So, Esme, how is the job hunt going?

I was doing a bit of work for Jed.

The stolen car game, it's pretty solid.

Now you need to hand your laptop in straightaway!

Now you need to hand your laptop in straightaway!

(GRUNTS)

It's gone. That feels a bit suspicious.

This has been escalated to an official fraud investigation,

so YOU shall be seeing a lot more of ME.

So YOU shall be seeing a lot more of ME.

If that is Kethan, you tell him to take that bag

when he gets it, lube it up and -

Come on!

Come on!

What's the time? 9:03, same as it was 30 seconds ago.

(SIGHS)

Shall we put some music on?

We're not teenagers at Lookout Point.

We're waiting for a blackmailer.

I could keep asking the time over and over again...

I could keep asking the time over and over again...

OK, put something on.

("MMMBOP" BY HANSON PLAYS)

(TAPS ALONG TO SONG)

(TAPS ALONG TO SONG)

Maybe just silence. Oh yeah, sure. OK.

Maybe just silence. Oh yeah, sure. OK.

(MESSAGE ALERT)Oh! Is that them? No, it's the IVF clinic.

They want us to come for our embryo transfer tomorrow at five.

They want us to come for our embryo transfer tomorrow at five.

Oh, my God. This time tomorrow we could be pregnant.

What if... Oh, my God, what if two eggs take?

HA! We'll have to commit another robbery.

HA! We'll have to commit another robbery.

(CLATTER) Is that them?

No, that's only Sally. What the hell is she doing here?

No, that's only Sally. What the hell is she doing here?

Why is she walking over to the car? Why is she getting IN the car?

Hello. Hello, Sally. Very nice to see you,

but we're actually waiting for somebody, so -Oh, I know.

What do you mean? I know what you did.

What do you mean? I know what you did.

Holy shit, that was...

This is the blackmailer?

I love you, but that's been really obvious

I love you, but that's been really obvious

since she got in the car. Keep up.

(THEME MUSIC)

I knew something was going on

cos Deacon had been flapping about like a pelican on speed,

pulling sickies, and you were creeping round the office

pulling sickies, and you were creeping round the office

after hours, so I checked the accounts.

Sally... I've kept my head down at that company for 20 years,

Sally... I've kept my head down at that company for 20 years,

put up with nonsense from Alfie that makes me too look like Paw Patrol.

All I ever wanted was a quiet retirement.

Where are you thinking? Somewhere on the South coast?

Where are you thinking? Somewhere on the South coast?

Sliders Resort, Jamaica.

Like Sandals, only more explicitly erotic for the mature traveller.

Like Sandals, only more explicitly erotic for the mature traveller.

My new fella is from that part of the world. Tron says -

Tron? Are you fucking a sci-fi movie?

No, he's my 26-year-old Jamaican boyfriend.

No, he's my 26-year-old Jamaican boyfriend.

Tron says, why get tied up in police red tape

when I could be lying in the sun, sipping Bacardi,

when I could be lying in the sun, sipping Bacardi,

while he works cocoa butter into my stretch marks?

So what do you want? �50,000.

So what do you want? �50,000.

50 grand, Sally? How much cocoa butter does your arse need?

I think 10% is a fair compromise to avoid prison.

I think 10% is a fair compromise to avoid prison.

10%? Well, we only took 50 grand, you lunatic.

Sally, you really are shit at accounts, you know that?

The Fairhaven account is missing half a million pounds.

The Fairhaven account is missing half a million pounds.

What? I was gonna tell you.

What? You took half a million pounds and you didn't think to tell me?

I absolutely did want to tell you, but I just couldn't find the time.

Well, what about just now before this greedy bitch got in the car?

Well, what about just now before this greedy bitch got in the car?

Can I assume from my end, though, blackmail admin complete?

Yes, Sally, you can go and tell Transformer you've done your job.

Yes, Sally, you can go and tell Transformer you've done your job.

How could you lie about this? Who even are you? 500 grand?

How could you lie about this? Who even are you? 500 grand?

I did it for us. You had the nerve to tell me I couldn't buy a handbag

because it would arouse attention!

Do you know what arouses attention more than a handbag?

Do you know what arouses attention more than a handbag?

Half a million pounds. That's a big arousal, Deacon, full hard-on.

I know, but I opened up the account, there was so much money in there.

He said he couldn't pay our bonuses

He said he couldn't pay our bonuses

and then I look and there's over a million quid.

It just felt like the right thing.

I hope it still feels like the right thing in the prison showers.

Look, Allison... Who's going to prison?

Look, Allison... Who's going to prison?

Jesus! Jesus Christ!

Esme, what the fuck? Relax! We're doing some work for Big Dom.

Esme, what the fuck? Relax! We're doing some work for Big Dom.

You're taking serial numbers off car parts.

Honestly, it's barely illegal.

Oh, good1 Please explain to me how this is not illegal!

Oh, good1 Please explain to me how this is not illegal!

Well, BD runs a chop shop, so people take in boosted sports cars

and then we do a few modifications

and he smuggles them out of the country in some big transporter.

And he smuggles them out of the country in some big transporter.

He's like a smaller version of the WeBuyAnyCar guy. You know him?

Esme, when I suggested you move away from Only Fans,

Esme, when I suggested you move away from Only Fans,

I stupidly hoped you'd try something, I don't know, legal.

Look, we are talking high-end sports cars.

Do you know the sort of people who drive those?

Do you know the sort of people who drive those?

Rich old white dudes. 1%.

Victimless crime. No, it's not. You just don't like the victims.

These cars are fully insured, we're basically Robin Hood, baby.

These cars are fully insured, we're basically Robin Hood, baby.

My baby. Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Esme, I'm worried. What? That I'll turn out like you?

Esme, I'm worried. What? That I'll turn out like you?

(SCOFFS)

Fine, fuck your life up.

I fucking will. Fuck!

Can I just ask, is Big Dom called Big Dom

Can I just ask, is Big Dom called Big Dom

cos he's objectively big, or is there a smaller Dom?

Did you talk to Kethan about the Sally thing?

There's no problem with us getting the money, is there?

I hope not, although he did ask me to meet him at his golf club.

Why can't he just transfer the money again?

Why can't he just transfer the money again?

I think he just wants to show off his fancy club, invite me to brunch,

although he called it "luckfast" cos he's a prick.

Call in sick for me too. I'm coming to luckfast.

Call in sick for me too. I'm coming to luckfast.

Why? Don't you trust me? I do,

I just don't wanna find out a week from now it's a million pounds or something.

I'm not angry, I'm just... Disappointed. I get it.

I'm not angry, I'm just... Disappointed. I get it.

Which is actually worse. We'll work it out.

I just wish you hadn't lied.

Yeah, I know.

Now I have to eat pineapple cores cos the IVF form says

they're anti-inflammatory and good for the embryo transfer.

I am a selfless hero, making concessions,

sacrificing my body, soon to be a sacred vessel.

What did you do? Ejaculate once, yeah.

By the way, don't eat too many pineapples

By the way, don't eat too many pineapples

because I read somewhere that pineapple eats you

when you're eating it, like there's some sort of molecule in it

that dissolves you, so... What the fuck are you going on about?

That dissolves you, so... What the fuck are you going on about?

Oh, nothing.

Alfie, Allison and I have had a bit of a relapse healthwise,

so we're not gonna be coming in today.

NO!

Alfie, you can't say no, we've got serious stomach problems.

I don't care if your arse is spewing liquid magma,

I don't care if your arse is spewing liquid magma,

you're gonna be in that board room at 4pm.

You're my back-up, yeah?

And anything I tell 'em, be my bez

And anything I tell 'em, be my bez

and shake your little support maracas,

because it's YOU missing YOUR interview

that has turned this into a fraud investigation.

That has turned this into a fraud investigation.

Sorry, Alfie, did you say fraud investigation?

Alfie? Alfie?

Alfie? Alfie?

Why do we have to meet here? Everyone looks like ET.

Why do we have to meet here? Everyone looks like ET.

I feel most comfortable around the least wanted.

Being a brown in a golf club like this,

Being a brown in a golf club like this,

it makes me feel like a UNICORN!

(CHUCKLES) What the bloody hell are YOU looking at?

Nothing. Are the brown men in your golf club being too loud?

Nothing. Are the brown men in your golf club being too loud?

Oh, I do apologise, we will try to talk quietly for the white man.

That's not what I was - Turn around.

Beautiful brown unicorns are talking!

Beautiful brown unicorns are talking!

Look, all we have to do is give Sally the cash

and she will disappear, OK? We're not talking about a hardened criminal.

And she will disappear, OK? We're not talking about a hardened criminal.

We're talking about a sex-starved old lady.

Yeah, Kethan, all we're asking for is our money.

And I keep telling you, the money is in the system getting cleaned.

And I keep telling you, the money is in the system getting cleaned.

That takes time.

If you wanted instant access to your funds,

you should have met with Barclays, innit?

Well. maybe you could just give us - Ooh, no, no, no.

Well. maybe you could just give us - Ooh, no, no, no.

Do not ask me for a loan. Hm? I'm already doing you a favour.

You don't ask someone who is doing you a favour for another favour.

You don't ask someone who is doing you a favour for another favour.

That's disgusting. Uncle, please...

Don't "please" me, you fucking idiot.

What do you think is gonna happen

when this Sally has shagged all the money away?

When this Sally has shagged all the money away?

You think she's gonna go, "Oh, that was fun while it lasted"?

Or do you think she's gonna say, "Mm, why don't I make another withdrawal from the twat bank?"?

Or do you think she's gonna say, "Mm, why don't I make another withdrawal from the twat bank?"?

Hm? (BURPS)

If this Sally is offering you ultimatums,

If this Sally is offering you ultimatums,

you have to deal with her.

Or I will. Sorry, do you mean...(MIMICS SOUND)?

Or I will. Sorry, do you mean...(MIMICS SOUND)?

This isn't Goodfellas, you penis. But yeah.

Your choice. Either you do it or I do, but much worse.

Your choice. Either you do it or I do, but much worse.

Oh, and there will be a horrible mess. Now, off you fuck.

But uncle, we - Off you fuck.

But uncle, we - Off you fuck.

(SIGHS)

Maybe we don't have to kill Sally if we can pay her off some other way

and get her out of the country before Kethan gets to her,

and get her out of the country before Kethan gets to her,

cos that's what she wants. Yes, because that's what we've learned,

that stealing 50 grand has few consequences.

Er, 500 grand. Oh, watch out.

(COOL MUSIC PLAYING)

(COOL MUSIC PLAYING)

Take care of it, will you?

I can't believe that prick thinks I'm a valet.

Maybe you are. What do you mean?

Maybe you are. What do you mean?

Robin Hood, baby.

You're not suggesting we steal this car?

Deacon, that prick assumed you were the valet and gave you his keys.

Deacon, that prick assumed you were the valet and gave you his keys.

Not only would you be helping us out, you'd be teaching him a lesson.

Right, and what is that lesson?

If you give a brown man your keys, he'll steal you car?

You said "How am are we gonna get 50 grand?"

And then a racist gave you a Ferrari. It's like fate.

So that's a viable defence in court, is it? Look, Mr Half a Mil,

So that's a viable defence in court, is it? Look, Mr Half a Mil,

I don't know if you spotted it, but we are in a tricky situation right now,

where we either have to wait for Kethan to kill Sally,

or do it ourselves.

So I don't know which one of those options you fancy.

So I don't know which one of those options you fancy.

Firing squad? Guillotine?

OK... Let's steal this car.

OK... Let's steal this car.

(ENGINE ROARS)

(REVS)

Babe! Yeah? You're going like 8mph.

Babe! Yeah? You're going like 8mph.

There's no point in trying to sell a damaged car, is there?

I did not think the main emotion I had after stealing a car would be embarrassment.

I did not think the main emotion I had after stealing a car would be embarrassment.

What's that bloody valet doing with my car?

What's that bloody valet doing with my car?

He's nicking my car!

Hey! Oh shit. Look. What? What?

Deacon, Deacon, put your foot down! OK.

(ENGINE STALLS) Huh!

(ENGINE STALLS) Huh!

Now you've stalled it. Get out, I'll drive.

It's actually a difficult car to drive,

just so you know. You fucking touch my car and I'll kill you!

Just so you know. You fucking touch my car and I'll kill you!

Fucking hell. Allison, go! Go, go! We should just swap!

Move, go, go, go! (ENGINE ROARS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

Oh, my God, this is incredible.

I cannot believe you let me drive knowing you could do this.

They're coming. Shit, they are catching us up.

Get my fucking car, pull over!

Get my fucking car, pull over!

They're catching up, they're catching us up!

Go, go, go, go! What the hell are we gonna do?

This is the worst possible day to not be wearing deodorant.

This is the worst possible day to not be wearing deodorant.

I've got an idea. I'm indicating right. What?

Take the next left!

We've gone the wrong fucking way. That way, you twat!

We've gone the wrong fucking way. That way, you twat!

Whoo, nice one. Pull over! My fucking wheels are wrecked.

You're fucking dead! They're catching us up!

You're fucking dead! They're catching us up!

Fucking hell, girl1 Drive, drive! I'm gonna fucking rip your head off.

Get over! Drive!

Get over! Drive!

Do you reckon we'll fit under there? I'm going for it.

No! Look out! Fuck!

That was so fucking cool!

OK, go, go, go! (TYRES SCREECH)

OK, go, go, go! (TYRES SCREECH)

OK, I think we managed to lose them. Yeah.

We better get a move on if we're gonna get Sally's money from Big Dom

We better get a move on if we're gonna get Sally's money from Big Dom

and be at the clinic by five. Yeah.

Shit! What?

I promised Alfie I'd be at the office for four for a meeting.

I promised Alfie I'd be at the office for four for a meeting.

Why? Because you told me to act normal.

He said he didn't care if my arse was spewing lava.

OK, you sell the car, I can get out and walk to the office from here

OK, you sell the car, I can get out and walk to the office from here

and do the Alfie meeting, then we'll meet at the clinic at five.

But isn't it gonna look mental, you turning up to a meeting instead of me?

You'd be better selling the car than acting normal with Alfie.OK.

You'd be better selling the car than acting normal with Alfie.OK.

Don't let them walk all over you. In this game, it's all about respect.

Yeah, it's the way you carry yourself,

you're just confident, like you belong in that world, that... (DOOR SHUTS)

you're just confident, like you belong in that world, that... (DOOR SHUTS)

Oh, she's gone. Well, have you left the key?

(PHONE RINGS)

What's up Deacon? You know that Big Dom guy that deals in those cars,

does he have a phone number? Why?

I need it for a friend. What friend?

I need it for a friend. What friend?

It's just a mate who's looking for some work.

Your mate isn't gonna be able to just phone him up

and ask him for a job!

This isn't as quick as I hoped it would be, Esme.

This isn't as quick as I hoped it would be, Esme.

Tell me the real reason you need it and I'll give it to you.Fine.

I stole a Ferrari and I wanna sell it to him.

OK, Deacon, if you don't wanna say, whatever.

OK, Deacon, if you don't wanna say, whatever.

I'll text it to you. Thank you.

But make it quick, please. Thank you for your help, Esme.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(REVS)

(REVS)

(WHISTLES) Mm-hm. Yes, that is a Fee-ra-ree, mate.

(WHISTLES) Mm-hm. Yes, that is a Fee-ra-ree, mate.

Are you Big Dom? Yes, mate, that's me. This is Dom.

I knew there'd be a normal-size one! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up.

I knew there'd be a normal-size one! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up.

Are you saying I'm not normal? What, I'm abnormal?

I'm a freak, am I? No. How dare you.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say you were abnormal,

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say you were abnormal,

that wasn't what - So, I'm the abnormal one?

Look, no. I wasn't saying - I can take that kinda japer,

I can take it cos I've got broad shoulders.

I'm used to it. But this one, this little lamb...

Are you all right? I'm... I'm sorry...

Ssh ssh ssh. Are you all right? You gonna let that go?

Look, I'm really sorry. Is it possible just to start again, please?

Look, I'm really sorry. Is it possible just to start again, please?

Do you wanna punch him in the face? No.

Alfie! Where's Deacon?

Oh, he is so, so sick. He's like a chemical weapon.

Oh, he is so, so sick. He's like a chemical weapon.

But he was desperate that one of us should be here. I've had it bad too.

It has just been flying out of me.

It has just been flying out of me.

No, no, we didn't come in here to listen stories of women

shitting themselves. Apologies, this is Deacon's wife.

It might be nice if you tell Mr Harris from the SFO here

It might be nice if you tell Mr Harris from the SFO here

every single thing he wants to know. How may I help you?

How does she smell, mate? Give her a good sniff.

How does she smell, mate? Give her a good sniff.

(SNIFFS) Is that a real Ferrari?

Yeah, it's good gear. Nice.

So where did you pick this beauty up?

Took it off some dick at the golf club down the road.

Took it off some dick at the golf club down the road.

Really? Really? Yeah, why?

Well, we've just met you for the first time

and you're coming in here giving it the old Billy Big Bollocks

about the crime you've just committed.

About the crime you've just committed.

Is this your first time doing this? No. I flip cars over all the time.

You're a liar, mate.

You're a liar, mate.

It's really quite simple. There are accounts on your husband's laptop

that have become essential to our case.

We have no other option but to report your husband to the police

We have no other option but to report your husband to the police

for obstruction of justice.

We work within a very small community.

Never heard of you, though.

Never heard of you, though.

So I'm saying that you are a bullshitter, pal.

I think you may have just popped your cherry.

What? No. Absolutely not.

What? No. Absolutely not.

You don't wanna fuck with me, all right? Oh, I think we do.

See, the thing we're gonna do most today is fuck with you.

Please don't do that.

Please don't do that.

It's three, four hours of just constant fucking with you,

and if at the end of that, I go, "I don't think he's been fucked with enough,"

I'll say "Everyone stay, a little overtime,

cos we're gonna fuck with him a little bit more."

What I'm telling you, pal, this is a fuckfest coming.

We'll keep on fucking with you until we say the fucking -

We'll keep on fucking with you until we say the fucking -

(SCREAMS) Whoa whoa!

Hang on, mate. Whoa whoa. Enough!

My husband is an incredibly honest man.

My husband is an incredibly honest man.

I am having a really fucking stressful time right now.

He is the most hardworking and principled man

you could ever hope to meet.

You could ever hope to meet.

My uncle has taken all my money and he keeps trying to fuck my mum.

He would be heartbroken to think he had come anywhere near any criminal activity.

I'm being blackmailed! He hasn't even had a speeding ticket.

I'm being blackmailed! He hasn't even had a speeding ticket.

I've just been in a car chase.

He will do his utmost to make sure this is sorted out.

My wife's about to get inseminated and I've got to make it to the clinic by 5pm

My wife's about to get inseminated and I've got to make it to the clinic by 5pm

just to make sure I can see the doctor stick it in her.

That's one of the main reasons I fell in love with him.

So this is enough! Please don't punish a good man

So this is enough! Please don't punish a good man

for bad luck and bad timing.

You're gonna give me 50 grand for this car

or I'm gonna smash the fuck out of this fucking place!

Or I'm gonna smash the fuck out of this fucking place!

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Jesus. Are you finished?

Yeah, I think I am, yeah.

Yeah, I think I am, yeah.

Thank you for that explanation, Mrs Mendez We will pass that on.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, your honours.

There was no need for that at all, really, mate.

There was no need for that at all, really, mate.

That was uncalled for.

We was just trying to have a little bit of fun with you.

Give you, like, an authentic criminal experience.

Give you, like, an authentic criminal experience.

We'll give you your 50 grand.

So you know, this is actually worth 70 minimum,

so you've made an absolute fanny out of yourself, so...

so you've made an absolute fanny out of yourself, so...

Would it be possible to get 70? Fuck off.

Absolutely. Be on your way. Run, please.

Run as fast as you can, and don't look back.

(PANTING AND BREATHING HEAVILY)

Sally! (PANTING)

(MUSIC BLARING) John, turn it down.

What do you think of this kimono?

It looked a big jazzy on ASOS, but I reckon with the right bikini...

It looked a big jazzy on ASOS, but I reckon with the right bikini...

Shut up, Sally, OK?

Listen to me, Beanie Man, here's your money

but you have to promise to leave straightsway.

I was gonna do a little retirement drinks on Thursday...

I was gonna do a little retirement drinks on Thursday...

No. no. Tonight, OK?

You take this money and it's over and you never come back.

We have told the man who is laundering the money

We have told the man who is laundering the money

that we stole, that you blackmailed us

and he made it pretty clear that he wanted to kill you.

Kill me? Yes.

Kill me? Yes.

And just to be, you know, completely transparent,

I am planning on telling him that WE killed you, OK?

So if you do come back, it will be fucking embarrassing.

All right? Well, OK.

All right? Well, OK.

So here's the money. I have to go.

I hope to never see you again and, you know,

despite the blackmail thing and this hideous cultural appropriation,

despite the blackmail thing and this hideous cultural appropriation,

I hope you have a nice time. Oh, thank you. All right. Bye.

Bye.

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

I made it! 4:59... and 23 seconds, but I made it.

I've made it. Hey! Oh God, I'm sorry, but I made it.

Hi, dad. Just in time.

Hi, dad. Just in time.

If you watch the screen... (BREATHES HEAVILY)

All done. What, sorry? Is that it?

What do you want? A light show?

Well no, but I thought there's be like a noise?

Like du-dun! Like, done it!

Like du-dun! Like, done it!

(EXHALES)

This is why we did it, you know. Yeah.

This is why we did it, you know. Yeah.

For...

I don't know what we're looking at. What is this?

You should have seen me in that meeting, I was on fire.

You should have seen me in that meeting, I was on fire.

I told them what an honourable man you were, how kind.

So trust me, that's dealt with. Thank you.

So trust me, that's dealt with. Thank you.

Where is Esme, by the way? Is she out pickpocketing with Jed?

I don't know. I'm gonna leave her to it for a bit.

I gotta focus on being pregnant till proven otherwise.

I gotta focus on being pregnant till proven otherwise.

I know we're not supposed to get ahead of ourselves,

but it is pretty amazing, isn't it? Yeah.

And we're OK, right?

And we're OK, right?

Yeah, I guess. (PHONE RINGS)

It's Kethan.

Hello? Deacon. I'm gonna have to take Sally out for you, innit?

No, you're not, actually, because I was about to call you

No, you're not, actually, because I was about to call you

to let you know that we took care of her.

Deacon, if you're lying to me right now,

you know what I'm gonna do to you, innit? Let me tell you something.

I'm not lying because we took care of her, properly took care of her.

I'm not lying because we took care of her, properly took care of her.

Her and her boyfriend.

Killing the boyfriend is a bit of a dick move, innit?

Yeah, well, nobody fucks with me.

Yeah, well, nobody fucks with me.

Wow. Where did that come from?

Well, hopefully he'll start taking us a bit more seriously now.

Well, hopefully he'll start taking us a bit more seriously now.

(DOORBELL, BANGING ON DOOR) Who the hell is that?

Deacon Mendez? Yeah.

Deacon Mendez? Yeah.

I'm arresting you for the obstruction of justice

and withholding evidence in a criminal investigation.

You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned

if you do not mention when questioned

something which you later rely on in court.

Allison! (CONTINUES TO READ RIGHTS)

I said Allison before you said that, so you can't count that.

Allison! Allison! Help! (SIREN WAILS)

? THE HEAVY: Big Bad Wolf

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