Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

from the outset and throughout.

So, we stole 50 grand to pay for IVF...

Does he know the money's missing? No.

Does he know the money's missing? No.

HMRC is sending some twat to conduct an audit.

You better do something pronto about that laptop.

Oh, ah, ah!

Oh, ah, ah!

Your ovarian reserve is low.

To be honest, you'd be lucky to get 1 or 2 eggs from the retrieval.

We don't know how to get the money safely into our account.

We don't know how to get the money safely into our account.

I'll take care of everything.

I help you, you help me. How's your mother?

Yeah, mum, listen, it's me.

You're gonna need to change your phone number.

What are you doing here? Gotta run.

What are you doing here? Gotta run.

Thanks for helping.

I don't wanna generalise,

but I just think blokes are better at certain...

Jesus fucking Christ! Will you just make a hole!

(GROANS, GRUNTS) Wow! There you go.

So sexy watching you work. That's it, you smashed that.

So sexy watching you work. That's it, you smashed that.

Sally, my chair is fucked!

Now, how am I supposed to deal with auditors

when currently my head can barely see over the end of the desk?

When currently my head can barely see over the end of the desk?

It's like I'm auditioning for Snow White.

I'm head of accounts.

Chairs are not really my department. Yeah, just shut up, Sally.

Er... Just where do you think you're going?

Er... Just where do you think you're going?

Oh, W-We were just... I was thinking we could just-

Lunch. To lunch, yeah. We're going to lunch.

Lunch. To lunch, yeah. We're going to lunch.

Well, Janine is still very unhappy about the laptop that you lost.

Now she'll be interviewing all senior management tomorrow.

Now she'll be interviewing all senior management tomorrow.

So, be here at 9am.

And do not fuck this up!

Actually, I hope you don't mind me saying, Alfie,

but I do feel a bit like you stitched me up a little bit on that.

But I do feel a bit like you stitched me up a little bit on that.

But, I did initially feel like that, is what I meant to say.

But now I don't feel it. I couldn't feel further away from that.

So, leave it with us.

So, leave it with us.

Twat!

(EXCITING MUSIC)

OK, all ready for doctor.

Is it just me, or are private clinics kinda creepy?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

ALL: Hmm... Yeah, they are a bit.

You nervous about this at all? Yeah, a little. You?

No.

Well, yes actually. I'm shitting it. (SIGHS)

Well, yes actually. I'm shitting it. (SIGHS)

Don't worry. For once, you'll be wanking for a good cause.

Sort of magical in a way, isn't it?

I'm about to have my eggs harvested and you're gonna jizz in a cup.

I'm about to have my eggs harvested and you're gonna jizz in a cup.

So... not suuuper magical for me.

Well, when you're a teenager,

jizzing does actually feel... quite magical.

Jizzing does actually feel... quite magical.

Mmm. Especially the first time.

I thought my head was gonna fall off.

OK... Ooh. If you come with me, sir,

I'll take you to your sample room.

OK, great, thank you.

OK, great, thank you.

Have a magical time. Thank you, I will.

(DOOR CLOSES) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS) Oh God.

(SIGHS)

Shit!

Kethan, I can't really talk right now.

The number you gave me for your mother didn't work. What?

The number you gave me for your mother didn't work. What?

You'll have to give it to me again, innit.

Yeah, OK. But I- I can't really talk right now.

I just wanted to check you still want your instalments? Yeah, of course we do.

(KNOCK) How are we getting on in there?

(KNOCK) How are we getting on in there?

Yes, fine, thank you. Thanks very much.

We want the instalments. I'm just in the middle of something.

(KNOCK)Are you on the phone in the sample room?

Please just give me a few minutes, if that's alright? Thank you.

Please just give me a few minutes, if that's alright? Thank you.

So you want instalments but you're too busy. No, we're not too busy.

(KNOCK)Did the doctor not explain what the room is for? I'm fine, thank you. Yes.

(KNOCK)Did the doctor not explain what the room is for? I'm fine, thank you. Yes.

I'm fully in control of what I'm doing. It's all in hand, thank you.

But not like that. I'm not actually at that stage yet.

Anyway, it's fine, thank you.

Because I need a favour right now.

Because I need a favour right now.

You're going to have to take the day off work tomorrow

to take a package to a... a breadren of mine in Jersey.

Uh, I-I absolutely cannot do that.

There's something going on at work. And I just... (CAR HORN)

There's something going on at work. And I just... (CAR HORN)

Oh my God.

Just a lickle bag exchange in Jersey.

You can make it a romantic day trip with your fox of a wife.

You can make it a romantic day trip with your fox of a wife.

I've already booked two tickets. What?

I absolutely cannot do that. Oh, you can and you will.

Otherwise, I might get quite forgetful about them instalments, innit.

Otherwise, I might get quite forgetful about them instalments, innit.

(KNOCK)We have more material, should you need-

For God's sake, I'm on the phone to my uncle!

Erm... sorry.

Erm... sorry.

Whatever it takes.

(STAMMERS) That isn't what it takes!

(DISTORTED BEEPING)

Hey.

How many eggs did we get? Well, we don't know yet.

How many eggs did we get? Well, we don't know yet.

(SLOWLY) But you did great.

Thanks, children's TV presenter. How'd you get on?

Thanks, children's TV presenter. How'd you get on?

Initially, a bit stressful. But by the end, I thought I'd need a second cup. So-

I'm very pleased to tell you... we have retrieved nine eggs!

I'm very pleased to tell you... we have retrieved nine eggs!

Nine eggs is incredible, right? It is. Yes.

But since your womb lining is sub-optimal,

I'm going to ask you to take progesterone in oil injections,

I'm going to ask you to take progesterone in oil injections,

which, I'm afraid, are, uh... extremely painful.

Huh! Wonderful.

It's very important that you take it easy

It's very important that you take it easy

before we implant the eggs. Your body's been through a lot,

and so we need everything to be well rested.

Understood. No active work.

Just put your feet up and relax. Got you.

Just put your feet up and relax. Got you.

How about a trip to Jersey?

What? What?

? THE DANDY WARHOLS: Bohemian Like You ?

OK, I'm ready. Just stick it in.

? Woo!

? Woo!

(WINCES)

Get out, I'm gonna be sick... What?

Get out, get out. Oh, uh, OK. Yeah, alright.

Oh my God, maybe this is a mistake. No, no.

This is just what the doctor order-

This is just what the doctor order-

Oh no, I don't even have the energy to be sarcastic at this point.

Maybe this'll be nice.

Once we... do the bag drop, it'll be quite relaxing, you know.

Once we... do the bag drop, it'll be quite relaxing, you know.

Like maybe it'll even... be romantic. I'm gonna be sick.

I'm really going to be sick. Oh God. Erm...

Here, use this. Oh, no, no, no. Not on the packed lunch.

Here, use this. Oh, no, no, no. Not on the packed lunch.

Oh my God, packed lunch? So, this day can get worse.

(VOMITS)

Sorry, Al. But I did say you should've stayed at home. No!

No, we're a team, we're in this together. (SNIFFS)

And you're sure it isn't just 'cause you thought I'd fuck this up if I did it on my own?

And you're sure it isn't just 'cause you thought I'd fuck this up if I did it on my own?

Not entirely.

Well, just so you know, I smashed pulling a sickie.

Sally bought it hook, line and sinker, so... OK.

Sally bought it hook, line and sinker, so... OK.

And Esme is gonna cover for us if anyone calls.

(SIGHS)

I need to make a phone call. (VOMITS)

I need to make a phone call. (VOMITS)

But why are you making this so difficult?

You want me to lie, Deacon. I have principles.

You want me to lie, Deacon. I have principles.

You got fired from Nando's for putting THC in the peri-peri sauce.

Let's not talk about principles.

(LOW VOICE) Yeah, OK... So, what did you tell work?

(LOW VOICE) Yeah, OK... So, what did you tell work?

I said we were sick. With what?

I didn't say. I just said we were ill, and I coughed a little bit.

That sounds really vague and suspicious. Why'd you say that?

That sounds really vague and suspicious. Why'd you say that?

Well, this is the first sickie I've ever pulled, Esme, OK?

Can you please just cover for us? Please? Hold on.

Yep, fine. I might say you have something venereal. What?!

Yep, fine. I might say you have something venereal. What?!

I filled the bag. (VOMITS)

(COUGHS)

"Hi, you've called Deacon. Leave a message." (BEEPS)

"Hi, you've called Deacon. Leave a message." (BEEPS)

Fuckin' ball sex! Excuse me, Alfie.

As we told you yesterday, we need to speak to Deacon.

Yeah, that's not a problem at all.

Yeah, that's not a problem at all.

He's on his way and I'm just, uh... seeing where he's at.

It would look very suspicious

if as well as suddenly misplacing his laptop,

if as well as suddenly misplacing his laptop,

he also didn't turn up to the interview.

Oh (CHUCKLES) tell me about it.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

(HORN BLARES)

See? This is more like it, isn't it? Now we can properly relax.

See? This is more like it, isn't it? Now we can properly relax.

Not yet, I still feel seasick.

Well, that'll pass, I promise. (PHONE CHIMES)(GROANS)

Oh, is that Alfie again? Yeah.

Oh, is that Alfie again? Yeah.

But look, don't worry, he's saying he's totally fine with us being off

and he's gonna handle the audit. So don't worry.

So, you know, turn your phone off and just relax.

So, you know, turn your phone off and just relax.

Mmm. Lovely. Just the illegal bag exchange then.

Well, Kethan's gonna text us the location.

So, how about... little suggestion...

So, how about... little suggestion...

before that, we do something nice?

OK. What do you have in mind? Well, I'm totally chill. Chill Bill.

So, just whatever's best for you.

So, just whatever's best for you.

So, you choose.(GASPS) OK, can we go see the castle?

Hey do you remember when I pretended to be Meghan Markle's best friend

on the Windsor Castle tour? (PHONE CHIMES) I do remember that.

On the Windsor Castle tour? (PHONE CHIMES) I do remember that.

I remember you telling the guy Meghan was disappointed

Archie's skin wasn't darker. For a laugh. Yeah.Yeah.

Erm... I've got another suggestion. Yeah?

How about, instead of going to the castle,

How about, instead of going to the castle,

erm, we go on a different walk

that takes us to where the bag swap's gonna be happening,

because Kethan's just texted to say we have to go right now.

Because Kethan's just texted to say we have to go right now.

Yay! Let's go, come on. (TUTS) I wanna see the castle.

It'll be great.

Where the hell is Deacon?

Where the hell is Deacon?

I told him, even if he was dead, that he had to be in here today.

So, where is he?

Again, it's not really my department. But he's not here.

(SHOUTS) I know your f-

(SHOUTS) I know your f-

(WHISPERS) I know he's not here.

So, why don't you go to his house and fucking get him here?

(SIGHS)

And hey... enough with the flirting.

And hey... enough with the flirting.

Why didn't we just take a taxi?

Well, I thought it would be like

those romantic walks we did on our honeymoon.(SIGHS)

those romantic walks we did on our honeymoon.(SIGHS)

Well, why try to add something romantic to a probable drug run?

Why don't we just get it done and think romance after?

Well, I was actually thinking... And I don't want any arguments on this...

Well, I was actually thinking... And I don't want any arguments on this...

You're supposed to be relaxing, and more importantly than that,

I wanna show you that I can take care of things.

Handle things on my own. There's a cafe over there.

Handle things on my own. There's a cafe over there.

You head in there, have a chillax. I'll go ahead and do the bag swap.

Alright? No argum- Good luck.

Well, I was sort of expecting... one argument.

Alright, well, I'm gonna go take care of this dangerous bag swap on my own.

Alright, well, I'm gonna go take care of this dangerous bag swap on my own.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Bloody hell.

(CALLS OUT) Hello?

(CALLS OUT) Hello?

Is there anybody there?

I've just come to exchange the bags,

if there is anybody there.

Erm, y-you probably don't want me to see your face,

so I-I'm just gonna swap the bags.

But I've just got to get my packed lunch from this bag

But I've just got to get my packed lunch from this bag

a- and move it to the other one.

Just so there are no misunderstandings.

OK, y-you can have the packed lunch.

Wait! GIRL: Don't turn around.

I- I won't.

How old are you?

How old are you?

That's a really creepy question.

Are you a paedo? What?! No, I'm not a paedo.

Why are you so obsessed with my age then?

I know your sort. Wha-? I'm not any "sort".

I know your sort. Wha-? I'm not any "sort".

Can't you ask a kid their age anymore?

I better get Uncle Dave.

If it's one thing Dave hates, it's a nonce.

What? I am NOT a nonce. OK?

What? I am NOT a nonce. OK?

If anything, a nonce wouldn't be interested in your age.

I'm the opposite of a nonce.

You know a lot about nonces, don't you?

You know what? I'm gonna stop talking

because you're twisting everything I say. Please just listen.

Because you're twisting everything I say. Please just listen.

(CLICK) No. Listen to me, nonce.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Erm... I'm listening.

Hello? Oh, hello, sweetie.

Handling this all OK on your own? Oh, thank God.

Handling this all OK on your own? Oh, thank God.

Don't turn around. Don't you turn around.

So check it out boss, baby...

We're gonna have a nice calm chat for a second.

We're gonna have a nice calm chat for a second.

Allison, you need to be very, very careful, OK?

She has got a gun. No, the toddler has a nail gun.

But I have an ACTUAL gun, so look...

But I have an ACTUAL gun, so look...

My husband here-Are you telling me you married this perv?

Yes. I married this perv.

Well, perv is actually better than nonce, so thank you.

My husband is doing a simple bag exchange.

My husband is doing a simple bag exchange.

We were sent by Kethan.

Oh. Why didn't you say so?

Did you not hear me shouting? You didn't say where you were from.

Did you not hear me shouting? You didn't say where you were from.

(SIGHS) Jesus, Deacon! Didn't I?

That's like bag drop rule number one.

OK, you guys can go.

Well, I've turned up with a bag identical

Well, I've turned up with a bag identical

to the one you're waiting to swap.

How likely is that to be a coincidence, you little psychopath?

What's your name?

I think we're past intros, Allison. Let's just go.

I think we're past intros, Allison. Let's just go.

Casey. Why?

Yes, why?

Casey, what are you doing here?

My Uncle Dave is in the business.

My Uncle Dave is in the business.

Now and again he gives me pocket money to look after the place.

It's no biggy. Well, how old are you?

Don't ask her that, it's a trigger for her.

13.

13.

Casey, I know I don't know you very well,

but you remind me of my little sister,

and... you need to look after yourself.

This is no place for a kid your age.

This is no place for a kid your age.

Yeah. You're right.

Thanks.

That's OK.

That's OK.

Uncle Dave?

Some pervs are trying to steal your bag! What?

I knew it. She hates it when you ask her age.

Fuck's wrong with you, little bitch? Allison, get the gun.

Fuck's wrong with you, little bitch? Allison, get the gun.

Where the fuck would I get a gun? It's a stick, Deacon.

Who the fuck are you? Oh my God, run! Oh shit!

Run, run, run, run, run!

Run, run, run, run, run!

(SCREAMS) (SHOUTS)

Fucking nonce. Come here, you're dead.

I'm not a nonce!

Right, up here, come on.

(MIMICS) "..feet up, try to relax,

(MIMICS) "..feet up, try to relax,

I'll look after everything, it'll be romantic(!)"

(PANTS) You wanted to go the castle, didn't you?

? JET: Are You Gonna Be My Girl ?

? JET: Are You Gonna Be My Girl ?

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Come on!

Well, thank God there's not many stair-free corridors

in this fucking castle!

Come on. You go.

No, come on. But I can't, I can't.

No, come on. But I can't, I can't.

(SONG FADES)

(DOOR KNOCK)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Hello. Oh, hello.

I was wondering if I could speak to Deacon?

No, he's out.

No, he's out.

Oh, is he?

No, he's... sick.

I thought you said he was out. Cold.

What? Out cold. He can't speak, sorry.

What? Out cold. He can't speak, sorry.

Bye! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

They're not here. What do you mean he's not here? He is here.

Can't see 'em. What do you mean you can't see them?

I think they're giving up. But we're gonna miss the ferry.

I think they're giving up. But we're gonna miss the ferry.

(SIGHS) Well, we'll get the next one.

(SIGHS)

Do you know what? (SIGHS)

Do you know what? (SIGHS)

What are you doing? Well...

Look, I said we were gonna have a... romantic...

..and relaxing time.

..and relaxing time.

That's exactly what we're going to do. So...

(SIGHS) (GROANS)

(SIGHS)

Got a nice view. Got our own castle.

Got a nice view. Got our own castle.

(WHISPERS) Yeah. (STRAINS) And...

(SIGHS)

Yeah? Packed lunch!

Huh?

Huh?

Such a great guy.

Thank you for rescuing me... back there.

Although it does sort of prove the point

that you don't trust me to sort shit out on my own.

Neither of us can do this on our own.

Neither of us can do this on our own.

I thought that's pretty obvious by now.

No, you're right.

I mean, right now, your tiny thimble of sperm

is being mixed with my under-performing eggs

is being mixed with my under-performing eggs

and we COULD be parents soon. So, we have to work together.

No, I know. You're right.

You are right. (SIGHS)

You are right. (SIGHS)

(SIGHS) This actually quite nice.

It really is.

I mean, if you block out that we're being chased

I mean, if you block out that we're being chased

by a psycho teen and her gang of heavies.Mmm.

Then this is actually quite nice.

(MOUTH FULL) Mmm. it really is.

(MOUTH FULL) Mmm. it really is.

(DISTANT) I'm done, finished, finished.

Giving up? Yeah, come on.

"You've called Deacon. Leave a message." (BEEPS)Grr!

He's stupid!

Hello again. Hi!

I- I'm sorry about the, er...

I- I'm sorry about the, er...

Complete lack of assistance or transparency?

Well, if you just let me explain.

Nothing to explain. I'm done.

Nothing to explain. I'm done.

Really? Yes.

And I shall be taking over.

With staff withholding evidence

With staff withholding evidence

and one literally running away,

this has been escalated to an official fraud investigation.

So you... shall be seeing a lot more of me, Mr Bower.

So you... shall be seeing a lot more of me, Mr Bower.

Good day.

Bye-ze-bye.

Bye-ze-bye.

(TENSE MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

Deacon's... disappeared.

Deacon's... disappeared.

(LAUGHING) You do. You do!

You run like a teenage girl. I don't, no, no.

You run like a teenage girl. I don't, no, no.

My running style is perfectly normal, OK?

For if you're being chased around a castle.

I'm absolutely- Maybe it was the scream...

(SCREAMS WEAKLY) (PHONE RINGS)

(SCREAMS WEAKLY) (PHONE RINGS)

Oh, hold on. Oh, is that Alfie again?

It's Kethan. Hello?

Well, you really put the curry amongst the pigeons down there, innit?

Well, you really put the curry amongst the pigeons down there, innit?

This isn't my fault. OK? You could've warned me about that psycho child.

Whole of Jersey basically thinks I'm a sex offender.

Casey? Sh-She's a sweetheart.

Casey? Sh-She's a sweetheart.

Luckily for you, Uncle Dave is an old friend

and I managed to clear the air. So he don't want to kill you now, innit.

Well thank God for that.

Well thank God for that.

There is another issue. (SIGHS) What?

I told you get the 2 o'clock ferry. What time is it now?

Well, I don't know, sort of 4 o'clock?

Shame you missed the early one because that was the ferry where I paid off security.

Shame you missed the early one because that was the ferry where I paid off security.

What?! I need that bag, Deacon.

And they normally do bag checks at Portsmouth.

So, you'd better think of something.

So, you'd better think of something.

OK. So, what am I supposed to do? Hello?

Don't wanna know.

(TENSE MUSIC)

(HORN HONKS)

Bag, sir.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Oh my God, they're checking bags. (SIGHS) Pass me the bag.

Why? I wanna see what's in it.

Kethan told us not to look in the bag under any circumstances.

Wake up, Deacon. This is not Pulp Fiction.

Wake up, Deacon. This is not Pulp Fiction.

We can't let Kethan constantly dictate the terms. I've had enough.

If we get caught, we need to know what we're dealing with.

Pass me the bag. Fine.

Pass me the bag. Fine.

(TENSE MUSIC)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(WHISPERS) Oh God!

Could be... legit? (SIGHS)

Fine.

Now we know what's in the bag, what is the plan?

Now we know what's in the bag, what is the plan?

I have no idea. Oh, brilliant.

'Cause now I'm shitting myself more than before we looked in the bag.

Can I look in the bag please?

Follow my lead.

Follow my lead.

(SHOUTS) You total piece of fucking shit!

Um... Do you have any idea how it feels

to be injecting your body with progesterone day after day?

To be injecting your body with progesterone day after day?

And all I needed was a little rest

and instead, you take me on a day trip to old Jersey

with eight hours of ferry rides, when you KNOW I hate boats!

With eight hours of ferry rides, when you KNOW I hate boats!

(STAMMERS) Well... er...

Oh yeah, well, you know what? I- I don't like living with Esme.

Oh yeah, well, you know what? I- I don't like living with Esme.

Well, that... is unrelated to the argument we're having right now.

But that just goes to show what a total piece of trash you are!

Passports. Oh, sure. Take my passport. (CRIES)

Passports. Oh, sure. Take my passport. (CRIES)

You know, all I wanted from this trip was some peace and quiet.

Whilst being tanked up on hormones,

waiting to be inseminated like a battery chicken.

Waiting to be inseminated like a battery chicken.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Can I see your bag, please?

Oh, you know what? I'm sorry that whatever I do isn't good enough for you, Allison.

You're always like, (MIMICS) "Oh, for fuck's sake, Deacon.

You're always like, (MIMICS) "Oh, for fuck's sake, Deacon.

You fucked it up again, Deacon,

despite the fact I'm a fuckin' asshole!"

I am not an asshole! You do fuck things up!

You're like, (MIMICS) "Oh sorry, babe. I've done it again.

You're like, (MIMICS) "Oh sorry, babe. I've done it again.

Woop, there I go another mistake.

Please forgive me, please Allison, babe."

(SHOUTS) I cannot believe you did the fucking eye!

(SHOUTS) I cannot believe you did the fucking eye!

Fuck you!

Fuck you! Oh, fuck you twice.

Can you guys just take your stuff and go?

Fuck you. Such an asshole. Fuck you. Fuck you!

Get out of here. Oh, this is a great trip.

Fuck you! Passport.Yep.

(LAUGHS)

That was incredible.

You were incredible. You too, we nailed it.

You were incredible. You too, we nailed it.

Yes! Yes. BOTH: Boom!

Erm... All that, erm... stuff you were saying in the argument,

that was just to get us through, right? That's just for the bit?

That was just to get us through, right? That's just for the bit?

Yeah. Yeah. And you didn't mean it either?

No, course not. I didn't mean any of that. Yeah. Yeah, no.

(TYRES SCREECH)

(TYRES SCREECH)

We have the bag. Oh yeah.

We have the bag. Oh yeah.

And if you wouldn't mind passing on one of the biggest

"Fuck you" s to your boss, Kethan, I'd be extremely grateful.

She's joking. I'm not.

She's joking. No.

She's joking. No.

Kethan says he wants your mother's number.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE CHIMES)

(TYRES SCREECH) Tell Kethan I want HIS mother's number.

(TYRES SCREECH) Tell Kethan I want HIS mother's number.

Ooh! Voicemail from the clinic.

Christ, I hope this has all been worth it.

Go on?

Oh my God, Deacon, they've fertilised five eggs.

Oh my God, Deacon, they've fertilised five eggs.

Five!

Holy shit! That is amazing.

It's incredible. (SIGHS)

We've got five... baby... egg things. (PHONE CHIMES)

We've got five... baby... egg things. (PHONE CHIMES)

Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna get our hopes up, but maybe...

Oh, if that is Kethan, you tell him

to take that bag when he gets it, lube it up...

to take that bag when he gets it, lube it up...

(SCREAMS) Come on!

? THE HEAVY: No Time ?

? THE HEAVY: No Time ?

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