Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

We robbed our boss, Al.

�50,000 in our bank account.

�50,000 in our bank account.

Well, it's bitcoin so it's an offline digital wallet.

It's amazing- that's what's gonna give us a baby.

Does he know the money's missing? No.Great.

Does he know the money's missing? No.Great.

Then why do you have that "I came too quickly" expression?

Alfie, we need money.

We don't just have money lying around.

1.2 million.

1.2 million.

The reason for this was for IVF, not for bloody Prada handbags!

We might as well wear a sign saying, "Oh hey Alfie, how you doing?

We might as well wear a sign saying, "Oh hey Alfie, how you doing?

By the way, I just robbed your company."

(MUSIC FADES)

Oh, fuck.

Alfie, I-I can explain.

Alfie, I-I can explain.

(HEAVY THUD)

Shit, Alfie. Alfie.

Alfie!

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERS)

(WHOOPING) Alison, Alison.

We are fucked.

Thank you so much for coming.

I don't think I could handled this without you.

To be clear, this does not mean we've made up.

I would settle for just not going to prison, right now.

I would settle for just not going to prison, right now.

OK, so our story is, we came to take Alfie to work,

you were worried he wouldn't wake up.

OK. What if he heard everything? We might have to kill him.

(LAUGHS) What?

(LAUGHS) What?

Hi Alfie, w-we just came to... Um...

Go.

Go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(MENACING MUSIC)

Um, we've just come... coming to take you to work,

cause I worried you wouldn't wake up.

Cause I worried you wouldn't wake up.

You OK, mate?

You've got a hell of a nerve.

(STAMMERS) (METALLIC ZING)

(STAMMERS) (METALLIC ZING)

YOU are meant to be my friend.

Um, A-Alfie...

You were the worst wing man I've ever had.

You were the worst wing man I've ever had.

S-Sorry, what?

I read somewhere, if you take an ugly mate out with you,

he makes you look better and helps you pull.

He makes you look better and helps you pull.

Turns out your husband...

he's a walking vagina repellent.

I know. What?

Right. (STUTTERS) So you didn't overhear any kind of...

Right. (STUTTERS) So you didn't overhear any kind of...

Deacon said he had a wonderful time.

Oh yes, I did, yeah. I had a wo-

It was a magical night. Thank you.

It was a magical night. Thank you.

Well, unless you want your wife to see what a real cock looks like,

I suggest you piss off and let me get dressed.

Yeah, sure. Absolutely, I don't want her to see that. Thanks Alfie, cheers mate.

Your results so far are encouraging.

How have you been on the hormones?

Fine. I cried at a pigeon.

Fine. I cried at a pigeon.

Well, I thought he was mourning his friend,

but he was eating him off the road. But otherwise fine.

But he was eating him off the road. But otherwise fine.

That's understandable. Your body is going through a lot,

so you need to be understanding of any mood swings.

What, hers or mine? (LAUGHS)

What, hers or mine? (LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) It was... It was just a joke.

Yeah. Is there anything else, doctor?

If you could just check in with reception to settle up.

W-We have to pay now?

W-We have to pay now?

Just the first instalment. Is... that a problem?

No. no, that's not. No, no it's fine.

Thank you so much for your time.

How much have we got left on the credit card after you went all Kardashian?

How much have we got left on the credit card after you went all Kardashian?

Why can't we use the shit ton of money we just stole?

Oh yeah, OK, we can. We'll do that, yeah.

OK, absolutely. Hello. I hope everything went well.

How are we planning to pay, cash or card?

Um, we were wondering if you accept Bitcoin.

Um, we were wondering if you accept Bitcoin.

What?

Bitcoin.

You want to pay in coins?

We won't be able to pay today.

We won't be able to pay today.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Office, now.

Office, now.

Jesus Alfie. I-I'm just trying to sort some bits out here.

So-Now!

I'm gonna level with you. We are in a tight spot, Deacon.

I'm gonna level with you. We are in a tight spot, Deacon.

Really, w-what do you mean? Well, obviously, over the years

we haven't always played by the rules exactly.

Sorry, why do you keep saying "we?"

Sorry, why do you keep saying "we?"

It's on all the accounts that are run by you.

You know, them little tricks we played,

putting up concrete at 500 quid a litre.

What, so how much is it then? �5 a litre!

What, so how much is it then? �5 a litre!

It's not liquid fucking gold.

But it's alright, I've been through this before.

It's sorted.

It's sorted.

I've kept all the records of our dodgy dealings on just one laptop.

Yours.

So, you just make sure you don't give it to them.

So, you just make sure you don't give it to them.

W-Who's "them?" Ah, with all your fucking questions.

I forgot to tell you, didn't I.

HMRC is sending some twat down here to conduct an audit.

HMRC is sending some twat down here to conduct an audit.

(SOFT MENACING MUSIC)

Shit. That's her now.

You better do something pronto about that laptop.

You better do something pronto about that laptop.

Stop staring her up, you're married.OK.

Right. Act casual.

(TENSE MUSIC)

(TENSE MUSIC)

Right guys, quick one.

We're just having a little audit, yeah.

So, all I need for you to do is give Janine everything she needs.

So, all I need for you to do is give Janine everything she needs.

Obviously, nothing sexual.

Just joking.

Laptop, please.

Um, do you know what, it's... it's at home.

Um, do you know what, it's... it's at home.

It's at home? Yeah.

So, what have you been doing today?

Well, I've been bloody looking for the thing, do you know what I mean.

Well, I've been bloody looking for the thing, do you know what I mean.

It's just... yeah, what a nightmare.

It's now 3 PM and you're saying you've been searching

for your laptop since you got to work?

For your laptop since you got to work?

Well, you know, sort of on and off.

Like, not the whole time. I-I-I cleaned my desk

cause I wanted to make my workspace sort of, more efficient.

Cause I wanted to make my workspace sort of, more efficient.

And then, um, I had lunch.

Been making stuff from-from scratch,

so that took a little longer. You don't care.

We're working out of the meeting room.

We're working out of the meeting room.

Please find it and drop it in there. Sure.

Oh, and not that you would, but don't try to delete anything.

We can recover deleted files.

No, I mean, I don't even know how to delete files. I mean...

No, I mean, I don't even know how to delete files. I mean...

I mean obviously I do, but you know, I'm just saying

I wouldn't for the... (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SIGHS) No!

(SIGHS) No!

We're not the reason they're investigating. It's only 50 grand.

In a property company that's nothing.

Yes, thank God it's just 50 grand. So relax. I got a plan.

Yes, thank God it's just 50 grand. So relax. I got a plan.

What do you mean you've got a plan? How do you know I don't have a plan?

I could have a plan. OK, what's your plan?

Well, you seem excited about your plan, let's hear yours.

Well, you seem excited about your plan, let's hear yours.

Alright, so if we let the auditors get your laptop

we are fucked on two counts.

OK, feels more like stating the fucking obvious, but alright.

OK, feels more like stating the fucking obvious, but alright.

So, we need to destroy it.

Where is it?

Well, it's in my office drawer.

Locked?

Locked?

Well, I mean there is a lock on the drawer, but I think it's broken.

You left something that could implicate you in doctoring

company accounts UNLOCKED in your personal office drawer.

Company accounts UNLOCKED in your personal office drawer.

When you say it out loud with that stank in your voice,

it sounds bad. But I just didn't wanna get caught with it on me.

Alright, I'll deal with the laptop tomorrow.

Alright, I'll deal with the laptop tomorrow.

Smashing something up could be good for my hormone rage.

But, please, please, will you sort the bitcoin?

Oh, I will. And you know why?

I know you think you're some sort of bad arse, but...

I know you think you're some sort of bad arse, but...

Bad ASS. Badass.

I know that's how you say it, but I can't say it like that-

Try.Badass.Yes.

Sounds mental. No. (LAUGHS)

Anyway, the point is, I will sort it.

OK, I'll leave it to you bad arse.

Please do, cause I'm a bad ass.

Please do, cause I'm a bad ass.

Lovely.

(LAUGHS) You're safe. Come in.

It's really nice of you to let us join you guys.

No worries. It's nice to all have a proper dinner together.

No worries. It's nice to all have a proper dinner together.

How come you've got so much food?

I always buy the 20 piece mega bucket.

It works out less than 40p a piece of chicken.

So, even when you chuck half the chicken away,

So, even when you chuck half the chicken away,

it still works out cheaper than two value meals.

Wow.

Plus you get the extra bonus of sort of attracting all the rats

Plus you get the extra bonus of sort of attracting all the rats

and foxes to your bins as well, which is good.

Yeah, yeah. I like foxes, too.

So Esme, how's the job hunt going?

Well actually, I was doing a bit of work for Jed.

Well actually, I was doing a bit of work for Jed.

Really? Yeah, why is that such a shock?

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, um...

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, um...

(STUTTERS) To be honest,

it's just not entirely clear what it is that Jed does,

no offence Jed. Oh no, it's cool.

No offence Jed. Oh no, it's cool.

Just a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

You know, drop off a car, pick it up. It's just business.

It's quite a long job title, isn't it?

Esme, you are so bright, you could do anything.

Esme, you are so bright, you could do anything.

You need to get a proper stable job with prospects.

You should be aiming so high.

To be fair though,

To be fair though,

the stolen car game, it's pretty solid.

My boss said it's the oldest game in the book so, you know.

Wow, yeah that makes sense.

Wow, yeah that makes sense.

I mean Jed, do you know what, I really feel like

you and Allison could be best friends, you know.

It feels like you're on that wavelength.

Kinda see things from the same perspective. Yeah, yeah.

Kinda see things from the same perspective. Yeah, yeah.

Don't you think, Allison?

Al, I was just thinking about our... our little money laundering issue.

The one you said you'd deal with and that's all in hand.

Yeah, that one. Erm...

But look, I might have had a bit of an idea.

Can I stop you there, Deacon. Does your idea have anything to do

Can I stop you there, Deacon. Does your idea have anything to do

with the waste of skin cells that is my sisters boyfriend?

Do you know what, I-I'll explain it tomorrow.

It's quite complicated. It's sort of algorithms...

It's quite complicated. It's sort of algorithms...

Night Deacon. ..it's quite Bitcoiny.

Goodnight. (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

It's really nice, you getting to know Jed a little better.

He's a good guy.

He's a great guy.

What's that meant to mean?

Nothing. I'm saying he's a really great guy.

Nothing. I'm saying he's a really great guy.

Don't start. (LAUGHS) What?

I am agreeing with you.

I said Jed is a really great guy.

I said Jed is a really great guy.

Yeah, yeah, fuck you.

Look, all I'm saying is, find a job on your own.

Be independent. Make your own decisions.

Be independent. Make your own decisions.

You can't rely on a man, especially one who's got nothing going for him.

Morning. Morning.

Have you guys got a towel or anything?

Have you guys got a towel or anything?

(FRIDGE CLOSES) OK, not nothing.

Look, I told you I'd sort it, and I have sorted it.

My Uncle Kethan is incredibly well connected, so all good.

YOU have family who's well connected,

YOU have family who's well connected,

like criminally well connected?

Yes. What's so weird about that?

Alright, to be honest, I just really need this to work out.

Alright, to be honest, I just really need this to work out.

I don't think I can handle it if I have to stop the IVF course.

No, I know. Thanks for piling on the pressure.

It'll be fine, alright. He's family.

It'll be fine, alright. He's family.

He even helped my mum sort out her passport.

Well kind of, but... It'll be fine, right.

If you can't trust family who can you trust?

Right.

Right.

Mr Kethan will see you now.

(TENSE DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.

(LAUGHS) Deacon, hello.

(LAUGHS) Deacon, hello.

Hi Uncle, thank you so much f-f-for seeing us.

(DOOR CLOSES) And you must be Allison.

Hi, great to meet you.

Hi, great to meet you.

Firstly, can I just say, wow.

Ahh. You look like a movie star. Thank you.

She's a dead ringer for Naomi Harris, innit?

She's a dead ringer for Naomi Harris, innit?

(LAUGHS) I don't think so. You mean Naomi Watson?

No.

I-I get Naomi Harris all the time. Of course you do.

I-I get Naomi Harris all the time. Of course you do.

So, how can your good old Uncle Kethan

help you two love birds?

Well it's actually a bit of a long story.

Well it's actually a bit of a long story.

Make it shorter.

Oh right, OK. Well, we have come into a bit of money.

�50,000.

Ooh! Congratulations.

Ooh! Congratulations.

Yeah. But it's on a memory stick in Bitcoin.

Which Deacon didn't realise would be completely

and utterly useless to us.

Yes, thank you very much for that, Allison.

Yes, thank you very much for that, Allison.

But basically the situation is, is that in it's current state

it's kind of tainted, because (CLEARS THROAT)

the-the manner in which it was a-a-acquired, and obviously-

the-the manner in which it was a-a-acquired, and obviously-

For God's sake. So we stole 50 grand to pay for IVF,

and I'm to my eyeballs in hormones.

And I'm to my eyeballs in hormones.

But now we may not be able to pay for the IVF course,

'cause we don't know how to get the money safely from whatever that is,

into our account. We just really need you to help us,

into our account. We just really need you to help us,

because, otherwise you're gonna see Naomi Harris

have a full on breakdown in front of this tiger in your office.

Hey, that's not necessary. That's not necessary.

Hey, that's not necessary. That's not necessary.

I can clean the money.

Oh, my God. Um, thank you so much.

(SIGHS) How's your mother?

(SIGHS) How's your mother?

What? (LAUGHS) How's your mother?

Oh yeah, she's fine, yeah.

She still got that nose piercing?

Um... Yeah.

(EXHALES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

As it's you, I can do it for 5%.

As it's you, I can do it for 5%.

Just leave me with the memory stick,

and also give me your account number,

and I'll send it in, what, 5K instalments.

That's-That's great. Thank you so much.

That's-That's great. Thank you so much.

If anyone asks, you just have a rich uncle who is very generous.

OK, great, thank you. Just one thing,

we do need the first instalment tomorrow, if possible.

We do need the first instalment tomorrow, if possible.

Of course. Leave it with me.

Great, thank you. Look, w-we-we appreciate this.

You know, I'm actually impressed.

You can turn the amazement down in your voice a bit if you like.

You can turn the amazement down in your voice a bit if you like.

No, Deacon, well done.

Someone deserves a special treat when we get home.

Hold on, are we talking about sex?

Hold on, are we talking about sex?

Oreos. Double stuffed.

While having sex? No.

OK, well I accept, but I do have to actually,

I've just remembered I've got to speak to my Uncle Kethan-

I've just remembered I've got to speak to my Uncle Kethan-

I need to pass on a message from my mum.

I'll be out very, very quickly.

Maybe like, you know, buy some Oreos.

Kethan, I- This is more than 50,000.

Yeah, I was just coming back to say. Well, why didn't you tell me?

Well it's possible, and by possible I mean absolutely certain,

Well it's possible, and by possible I mean absolutely certain,

that Allison does not know.

(WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER)

I'm taking... I'm taking ten percent.

Look fine, just please help me.

A-And please do not say anything to Allison.

And dinner with your mum would be nice. (LAUGHS)

And dinner with your mum would be nice. (LAUGHS)

You're joking right?

Of course. (BOTH LAUGH)

But ask her. Yeah, OK.

But ask her. Yeah, OK.

Just out of curiosity, how long does it normally take

for a bank transfer to show up?

Kethan hasn't paid the first instalment?

Not yet, no.

Not yet, no.

I know he's your uncle, but how well do you know Kethan?

Well. OK.

Well, you know, quite well.

'Cause now he has all our money.

Yes.

(SIGHS)

Well, that's fucking depressing. Jesus, Alfie.

Now listen, we need to have a really serious talk.Right.

We're both really worried that you haven't handed in your laptop.

We're both really worried that you haven't handed in your laptop.

You both are? I thought I made it very clear

how seriously I was taking this audit.

Now, you need to hand your laptop in straight away.

Well, it's... it's gone.

That feels a bit suspicious.

Yeah, very suspicious.

Yeah, very suspicious.

Where's it gone to?

Well, I-I've lost it. I can't really see it ever turning up.

Didn't I tell you. Deacon can be as useless as unwashed wank blanket.

Didn't I tell you. Deacon can be as useless as unwashed wank blanket.

Can't you, Deacon?

Yes, I can be as useless as an unwashed wank blanket.

I have to warn you,

this could have very serious consequences.

Very serious indeed.

I'm sorry you had to see this. Janine.

I'm sorry you had to see this. Janine.

You make me sick.

Thank you so much for joining, Sally.

Always happy to help. (LAUGHS)

Always happy to help. (LAUGHS)

(SIGHS) For fuck's sake.

E-E-Excuse me, sorry. Yeah.

How can I help? Yeah, I need to speak to Kethan.

How can I help? Yeah, I need to speak to Kethan.

Who?

Um, Kethan. Kethan who?

Sorry, what do you mean? Kethan. Y-Your boss, Kethan.

I spoke to him here yesterday. I spoke to YOU here yesterday.

I spoke to him here yesterday. I spoke to YOU here yesterday.

I'm sorry, I don't know who you're talking about.

Have you got the right Taj Mahal?

There is another Taj in Reading town centre. Just...

There is another Taj in Reading town centre. Just...

From when?

Fuck this.

(DOOR CLOSES) Esme, I'm not waiting outside

my own-What the shit.

Can you not read the sign?

Can you not read the sign?

What is going on?

I think it's called "getting my life together."

What are you talking about? You are fist-fucking a watermelon.

Have you not heard of ASMR? It's for my only fans page.

Have you not heard of ASMR? It's for my only fans page.

Oh, my God, you've actually lost your mind.

Can I remind you that you are the one that said I needed

to start making my own money? No, I said you need to start

to start making my own money? No, I said you need to start

making smart decisions. I would argue that fucking fruit

in your underwear is not a smart decision.

Well, I earned �350 today. (DOOR OPENS)

Jesus, really? Yeah. Oh my God, well maybe keep doing it.

Jesus, really? Yeah. Oh my God, well maybe keep doing it.

Allison can I speak to you in the, um...

b-bedroom, please.

Mm-hmm.

Hey. Hey.

Start again.

OK, what's the problem?

OK, what's the problem?

You're making that face like on our date when-

Shat myself. Yes I know.

Look, I may need to come clean about a couple of things, OK?

Go on. Well, it's possible I don't know Uncle Kethan

Go on. Well, it's possible I don't know Uncle Kethan

quite as well as I suggested,

and I'm starting to worry a little bit that he may have...

taken the money. No, he's your uncle.

Asian uncle.

Wh-What does "Asian Uncle" mean?

"Uncle" in Asian culture is more like a term of respect.

"Uncle" in Asian culture is more like a term of respect.

It's not actually an Uncle.

It's sort of any random brown man. Like, I've got hundreds of them.

So, he's NOT your uncle? No, and he's not answering my calls.

So, he's NOT your uncle? No, and he's not answering my calls.

He's not paid the money in, and he's also refusing to see me.

So hold on, you gave all our money to a complete stranger?

So hold on, you gave all our money to a complete stranger?

He's not a complete stranger. He did date my mum once, to be fair.

But yes, he is a complete stranger to me, but not to my mum.

He was quite handsy, actually. Oh, my God.

It was all for nothing. I can't handle this.

It was all for nothing. I can't handle this.

The synthetic hormones coursing through my veins

are struggling with this new development.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, OK. Look, it's not all for nothing.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, OK. Look, it's not all for nothing.

I will sort it, OK. I-I shouldn't have come back.

I've got it covered. You can get the laptop

while I sort out Kethan... OK. ..then we can

get into bed and have a nice cry watching Toy Story 3, OK?

Get into bed and have a nice cry watching Toy Story 3, OK?

Love you. Love you so much.

So, so much. (GROANS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Allison. Sally, hi. What are you doing here?

I forgot to pick up Alfie's dirty shirts for dry cleaning.

Classic accountant duties, right?

What you doing here?

I'm here just working on our investment strategy

for the next five years. But shirts are really important too, huh? Gotta run.

For the next five years. But shirts are really important too, huh? Gotta run.

Bye. (DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, you again. How can I help?

Oh, you again. How can I help?

Cut the shit. I need to speak to Kethan, now.

No. Now.

Once again I don't know who you're talking about.

Sure about that, are you? Yes.

Sure about that, are you? Yes.

Right. Cause it's just...

(EXHALES DRAMATICALLY)

..feeling a bit...

feeling a bit funny in my stomach, you know.

Feeling a bit funny in my stomach, you know.

I'm trying to figure out what it is. I don't...

I don't know what it is. I feel really, like...

Jeez, it feels like a cement mixer of just pure, unadulterated shit.

Jeez, it feels like a cement mixer of just pure, unadulterated shit.

And I think it might be because I've been eating here.

I hope you're enjoying your food, cause you're gonna be

seeing it again very soon.Sorry. Makes you sick as shit.

And it doesn't matter which curry you have,

And it doesn't matter which curry you have,

because they use the same sauce in every one.

I've had that one, by the way.

Made me shit non-stop for days. He's only joking.

That'll come straight through you. Stop, please.

That'll come straight through you. Stop, please.

I was shitting so much you could've used me as a fountain.

That's enough. Do you know what, I suggest all of you here

just go into your calendars, write off the next month,

just go into your calendars, write off the next month,

and just write "shitting." It's incredible, this place.

You need to call it Satan's Dick cause that's what feels like-

Deacon. My boy.

Deacon. My boy.

Oh, hello, Kethan. Why did no-one tell me he was here.

(LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry for the commotion, everyone.

Um... Dinner's on the house.

Um... Dinner's on the house.

(LAUGHS)

Deacon, what's this all about?

Right, well it's actually about this whole money instalment thing.

Right, well it's actually about this whole money instalment thing.

I said the money would come today.

Right. That's exactly the problem, it hasn't.

Check your bank. I only checked it not that long ago.

Check your bank. I only checked it not that long ago.

Yeah, OK. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hold on, one sec.

Oh, right yeah, it is actually...

Oh, right yeah, it is actually...

I paid the first instalment because I'm a man of my word.

Right.

Looks like you made a bit of an arse of yourself tonight, innit?

Looks like you made a bit of an arse of yourself tonight, innit?

Yeah, I-I'm sorry about that. (CLEARS THROAT)

So, how about that number?

What, my-my mum's number?

Yeah, I can't see any... problems with that.

See how this works?

I help you, you help me.

I help you, you help me.

And long may it continue.

That's what family's all about, am I right?

Yeah, you're right, yeah. Thanks, Uncle Kethan.

OK. (LAUGHS)

OK. (LAUGHS)

Oh, and pull a stunt like this again yeah,

and I'll chop your dick off.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Do you fucking work for me? Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, Uncle.

Do you fucking work for me? Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, Uncle.

Yeah Mum, it's me. You're gonna need to change your phone number.

Hey, how'd it go? Well, I sorted it.

We've got five grand in our account so, you'll be fine

We've got five grand in our account so, you'll be fine

for the appointment tomorrow. Wow, thank you!

You're welcome. I have some more good news.

I managed to destroy the laptop.

By "destroy it" you mean... (GRUNTS)

By "destroy it" you mean... (GRUNTS)

I took the last few months of stress and hormone injections out on it.

God, that sounds horribly violent, but thank you.

God, that sounds horribly violent, but thank you.

I think everything's gonna be OK.

I hope so. (ALARM RINGS)Oh!

It's my trigger shot. (SIGHS) I'm too tired.

Can you stick it in and hopefully I won't feel it.

Can you stick it in and hopefully I won't feel it.

A bit like my last birthday.

AccessibleCustomerService@Sky.uk

AccessibleCustomerService@Sky.uk

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