Original subtitles

[upbeat saxophone music]

Wow. This place is so clean.

- I just--I-I want everything to be perfect

before my dad gets here.

I did the living room, the kitchen.

I gave Churro a bath.

There's only one mess left to clean up.

Hey.

Do I got a KitKat wrapper stuck to my back?

I've been trying to get it for an hour.

- Get-- - Can one of you guys grab it?

- [grunts] - Ay, whoa, whoa. Hey.

I haven't licked the chocolate off yet.

- [grimaces] - Hey.

[clears throat] George, why-why don't we, uh--

Why don't we get you a shower, a fresh shirt,

maybe a clean shave?

- Why you talkin' like a prostitute

from the Old West? [bottle hisses]

- Quinten's dad, Sam, is gonna be here any minute.

When you meet him, it'd be nice

if you didn't look like a movie theater floor.

- Oh, what is that? A casserole?

[sniffs]

That smells like a hot nothing.

[grunts]

Bland is my dad's favorite flavor.

- Yeah, then he must really love you.

* *

- [knocks at door] - Oh, oh. Hey, George?

Okay, I got one favor to ask you.

I really want my dad to see how well we're doing,

so please do not make fun of me.

- I'll show you all the respect you deserve,

Chef White Boyardee.

Okay.

Hey, Daddy!

I must be at the wrong house.

This kid is too big to be my son.

Ah.

- Aw. - Oh, so good to see you, dear.

- Oh, I got your text yesterday. - Mm-hmm.

It was so good to hear

that the Dalmatian pulled through.

- It did, but it was spotty for a second.

- [both chuckle] - I set 'em up...

- And I pun 'em down. Pew, pew!

[chuckles] Dream team.

Yeah.

- You know, maybe being gone ten years

wasn't long enough.

- Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast.

I wouldn't be Bismarck's

number one Chevrolet car salesman

if I let people walk away.

I got ya a little gift.

Ah. Mm-hmm.

"World's Best Grandpa."

And I got a matching one because it takes a village...

Of Grandpas.

Oh. [chuckles]

- Well, that-that shirt's a little bit awkward

because we're not sure

that you're Chance's grandfather.

What are you saying?

- George... - Yeah.

There's a chance that Quinten might not be Chance's father.

- Look... - Oh.

- In that boy's eyes, you are still his father.

- No, Chance is definitely Quinten's son.

- Yeah. No, this is-- it's just a little inside joke

that George likes to make.

No, I tell it outside too.

- I asked you not to make fun of me.

- Yes, you did. And I ignored you.

[chuckles] Dream team.

[chuckles sarcastically]

* *

- Son, that casserole was delicious.

You could barely taste it at all.

- Ay, thank God I keep a packet of Tapatío

- in my bra. - Oh.

- How are you finding the time to cook

and do your job at the Apple Store?

- Well, Mayan works late, so I switched to part-time.

So now I have time to pick Chance up from school,

tidy up the house, cook before she gets home.

- You raised a nice wife for my daughter, Sam.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Uh, I got something really special for you, champ.

Huh? Ready?

[remote control car whirs]

[both chuckle]

- Wow. - Sweet!

I love a grandpa who gives me gifts.

- I got you a keychain from 7-Eleven.

I don't own keys, fool!

Let's take this baby for a spin.

Yeah.

[car whirs]

- Wait. Did you finish your homework?

Don't you have a poster to make?

Done.

This was five minutes of my life

I will never get back.

Let me see that.

Ay.

This poster, it's so messy.

"My name is Chance."

He misspelled his own name?

- No, je just wrote the "N" backwards.

Why?

Is he trying to get a job at Toys "R" Us?

You're gonna make him redo this, right?

No. His grandpa's in town.

And I'm not the homework police like you.

I'm not the homework police.

I just think you need to lock him in his room

until he does a better job.

* *

- Thank you so much for a lovely evening, fam.

And-and you can put your apron on a hook, son,

because tomorrow I'm taking everyone to the Sizzlers!

Yes.

Okay, moneybags.

Well, it's getting late,

so I'm just gonna call a taxi for the hotel.

- Oh, no, no, no. Daddy, you can't leave

without checkin' out my compost heap.

I got the fattest worms on the block.

I don't know

any of the other worms on the block,

so I have no way of confirming that.

- You are not gonna stay at a hotel.

You're family. You belong here.

Dad, you can sleep at Oscar's place.

- George, George, I would never do anything

to displace you, especially after

all the hardships you've been through.

What do you mean?

- Well, you know, the financial difficulties,

losing your home, and the infidelity.

And the recent hemorrhoid flare-up.

- Not that that's any of your business,

but, you know, all of those things have improved.

[strained] Well, most of those things.

* *

- That's the last time I let Sam sleep in that room.

You should see what he did to it.

- Did he throw out your secret hot dog stash?

No, he made the bed

and he put this jar of fancy mustard on my pillow.

- It's his way of saying thank you.

- I think it's his way of saying he's better than me.

Not surprising after you told him

all my personal stuff.

- Okay, maybe I confided in him

over the years, but with you gone,

he was the closest thing I had to a father.

- Well, Mayan, now I'm the closest thing

you have to a father, okay?

So he knows all this stuff about me.

I want to know about his dirty laundry.

Yeah, he doesn't have any.

He does laundry every day.

I am not his favorite thing that is white and delicate.

[chuckles]

Now, can we please move past this

so we can keep having a nice family weekend?

It would really mean a lot to me, George.

- [chuckles] I bet it would.

- Wh--does that mean he'll do it?

- [sighs] I don't want to lie to you...

so I'm gonna go to the kitchen.

What happened to your poster?

Ask your mother.

- I spilled my tea. It was an accident.

I was an accident.

Chance was an accident.

This was not an accident.

- I guess you'll have to do it over.

I could do that,

or I'll do a few dashes to a big "X."

Boom! Now it's a pirate map!

- Hey, look at that creative problem-solving.

Good job, matey.

Argh!

Aw, you're right.

It does look like a pirate map.

Now, to make it more authentic,

we should burn the edges.

Nope!

- Clever, Nana, but not clever enough.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- And the whole family thinks this Sam guy is perfect.

Everybody has flaws, man.

That dude's gotta be hiding something.

So I'm gonna find out Sam's secrets.

That's why I'ma set up a honey trap.

- Oh, is that like Winnie-the-Pooh-ing

where you just walk around

with a shirt and nothing on the bottom?

No.

It's where you try to tempt somebody

by luring them to do bad things, hmm?

I'm gonna tempt him with stuff no white man can resist.

It ain't gonna be a honey trap.

It's gonna be something like a potat-er trap.

* *

- How's the movie? - It's a football game.

Be better if we had beers.

Comin' right up, Daddies.

[leaf blower humming]

Damn leaf blower's so loud.

It's that gardener.

Want to tell him to turn it down?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Lo siento, Mr. George.

- Look at this guy. Can you believe him?

Probably not even legal, Sam. We should call ICE.

- No. I'm a sanctuary city man.

I admire the pride you take in your work

even while making minimum wage--

a measly 15 bucks an hour.

15 bucks an hour?

That's how much you pay me per day!

- All right, well, George says get out of here.

Vamanos.

- [leaf blower humming] - Ay.

* *

- All right. This has got to work.

I'm gonna text Sam pretending to be a hot lady.

"Hey, big guy.

"Saw your pics, and I think you're hot AF.

Want to meet up?"

And then we send a picture of her hot pocket.

- You want me to find some pictures on the internet?

- No. That'll take too much time.

Let me see your elbow.

How does that look?

It looks hairy, but...

he probably hit puberty in the '70s, so he'd probably like it.

Squeeze it together closer.

Make love to the camera. Make love.

Make love.

It's a summer day. You're living your best life.

Have fun. Have fun!

[chuckles] You're happy.

You're walking through the park.

You're living on your own. You're in New York.

- It's-- - Hey, guys.

I'm not even gonna ask.

I j--I wanted to say

I appreciate you've been spending time with my dad.

And I have noticed

that you have been cracking fewer jokes at my expense.

- So thank you. - Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry I'm slacking.

I'll get right back on that, Flavorless Flav.

- Sam responded. - Oh.

"I'm sorry, but I'm married.

But I hope that you find a fulfilling relationship too."

This guy's disgusting.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- I think it's interesting that you let Chance

come to dinner and play silly games

instead of redoing his poster.

- Silly? If he gets the zucchini out of the maze,

we get $1 off dessert.

- Oscar, I am so glad you could take time off

from your busy gardening schedule

to join us for dinner.

- Gardening? - He's a gardener now.

- Well, we got a lot of good food.

We got a lot of good martinis.

There is something about the Sizzlers

that brings out the best in humanity.

- Can you believe how much Sam is drinking?

This isn't even the Sizzlers.

- I think we found his vice. He's an alcoholic.

- Damn it. It just makes me like him.

[glass clinking]

I would like to make a toast.

Nothing makes me a prouder papa

than when I see the amazing life

that you have built for you and your beautiful family.

I am so impressed

by all of your accomplishments and your hard work.

To Mayan.

Oh...

- To Mayan. - Oh, wow.

all: To Mayan!

I did that. [chuckles]

- When my family is successful, I'm successful.

- That's one way of measuring it.

- You can also measure it in compost.

Yeah, I trained my worms to eat coffee filters,

and they got thick.

It's a big week for the Lopez-Van Bryans.

Yeah.

* *

Thanks for inviting me.

You know, I always wanted

to turn my Chevy van into a mancave,

but my wife keeps just wanting to use it for sex.

- Your wife still wants to have sex with you?

Damn. You're cool.

Man, sex is the best.

Me and my elbows used this place last night.

I gotta admit, Sam,

when I first met you, I was jealous, man,

'cause I can't compete with you.

- No, no, no, no, there is one area

where you--you got me beat.

Look at your daughter compared with my son.

What do you mean?

I mean, Mayan is ambitious.

She's successful.

Quinten is weak.

He's soft.

He had a kid when he was too young.

He's in a dead-end job.

He is...

a massive disappointment.

- Wow, man. And I just call him Sadly Cooper.

We found his dirty secret.

Yeah, he's a judgmental jerk

who talks trash about his son behind his back.

No. No panty lines.

He doesn't wear underwear.

That's why he doesn't have any dirty laundry.

* *

- Hey, Quinten, I think there's something

you should know about your dad.

One second, George.

[mimics air wrench]

[grunting]

Yeah, it's not broken, Gordo. You just got a flat tire.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

You just gotta put a little air in it.

Ready? [exhales wetly]

Oh!

Did you drive this in some dog poop?

Maybe.

- You want a kiss? - No.

- Come on. Give me--come on.

No? All right. [grunts]

Okay.

Ready? [car whirs]

Oh. Good as new.

- It works! Thanks for fixing my whip, Daddy.

- Aw. Yeah, all right. No problem, bud.

Let's get you ready for bed.

Oh, wait.

Sorry, George. You said you--

there's something I should know about my dad?

Um...

that he and your mom still have a very healthy relationship.

Oh. That's nice.

* *

Where's Quinten?

Oh, putting Chance to bed.

They do a little nighttime meditation.

Oh, yeah.

Sittin' around doing nothing.

He's good at that.

- Well, maybe he's got other priorities

like spending time with his kid.

Yeah.

Family time is great, but it doesn't pay the bills.

And it doesn't make you the number three car salesman

in the Dakotas.

That's two states.

It's mostly bison, you know.

And I'm no scientist, but, you know, they don't drive.

- I'm sorry if I want my son to be successful.

- Look, you and I are gonna know each other a long time,

so I'ma say this to you right now.

You're wrong, okay?

Quinten is successful, Sam,

maybe just not in the way that you and I measure it, okay?

I mean, these kids don't see a lifetime

of grinding away at work as the goal.

- Then what the hell is the goal?

Damned if I know. [chuckles]

But you know what?

They're happy, okay?

I mean, Quinten takes care of Mayan

so she can pursue her dreams.

He makes sure that Chance knows that he's loved

every single day.

And he puts up with me, and I can be a lot.

But he's a better father than you or I will ever be.

So maybe he's not successful at business,

but he's successful at life.

And that may be better.

Hey, Mama?

I've been thinking a lot about Sam's toast.

And the truth is,

if it wasn't for you teaching me about hard work,

I would have never have gotten to this point.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and the truth is, I did sabotage Chance's poster.

Yes!

I knew if I complimented you, you'd admit it.

Go ahead, Mayan. Ah!

- Okay, sit down. - Okay.

- You know what your problem is?

You're too comfortable.

I was hard on you

because I knew the world would be even harder.

You think things are better now for all Latinos

because your life is good?

I mean, a white kid writes sloppy, and it's,

"Oh, he has the handwriting of a doctor."

A Latino kid writes sloppy, and it's,

"Oh, he's illiterate."

[sighs] We have to work three times as hard

just to be seen as equals.

- Okay, I'll make Chance redo the poster.

And then?

- I'll rip it up and make him do it a third time.

Oh, that's my girl.

* *

- How about a hug to go with that mug?

You're already too close.

- I heard you defending me to my dad last night.

- Mm-mm, you must have been having a drunken hallucination.

Well, I wasn't drunk.

- Well, then, I must have been

having a drunken hallucination.

But you know what, man? Your dad's a lot.

Yes he is. [chuckles]

Look, my dad's narrow-minded definition of success

is part of the reason I moved away from North Dakota.

Also, I'm scared of bison, and they are everywhere.

- Does Mayan know? - No.

I don't, uh...

I don't talk about it with her

'cause they got a great bond and I don't want to ruin that.

Mm.

- As far as him and I go, it's just--

it's hard trying to live up to a successful dad.

It's awesome Mayan never had to deal with that.

- So what I'm hearing is the fact that I was a screw-up

with no standards for myself or others

makes me the perfect dad!

You hear that, Mayan?

I'm the reason for all your success!

Nope! Mom was!

- I can never do nothing in this house.

- Nah, George, you can do some things.

Hey, uh...

you got a KitKat wrapper on the back.

It's right here. Here, I'll get it.

I'll get it. There.

It's off.

- No, there's another one back there.

Hey!

You know, Quinten, you're a good man.

But you don't smell like anything.

* *

[moans]

I'm so hungover.

Hot dog?

Sure.

Oh!

- Y-you-- - Yeah.

- You just eat them out of the package cold?

- Didn't we talk about you judging people less?

Sorry. Sorry.

And I apologized to Quinten earlier.

- Damn. I should be a therapist.

Therapy?

Yeah, Quinten's been trying to get me to go for years.

No, thank you.

- Mayan's been trying to get me to go too.

Why do we need therapy? We're perfect.

- And so is this room-temperature wiener.

- I really hope you're talking about the hot dog.

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