Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

- Here's Churro's pain medication.

If she walks into a wall, that just means it's working.

- So, Doctor, if Churro needs one tranquilizer,

she weighs 10 pounds... - Mm-hmm.

- How much would a dog need that weighed, like, 200 pounds?

Like, 20?

[laughter]

This isn't funny, okay?

This big dog needs a lot of pills to feel anything.

- What? No.

I was just laughing at this TikTok Mayan made.

It's an ad for Bone-jour.

[sultry music]

- I've been looking forward to tonight all week.

* *

Courtesy of our friends at Bone-jour.

Gourmet dog treats made in Paris...

Tennessee.

Voilà! A "bark-cuterie" board.

Now, this dog may not be an evil tech billionaire,

but she can eat like one.

And so can I, because humans can enjoy it too.

[evil laugh]

- You have the evil laugh of a man who owns a rocket ship

shaped like a penis.

- I can't believe you're the brand ambassador

for Bone-jour,

the number-one pet food that doesn't use horse meat.

- They make it in a lab.

It has all the horse flavor, but none of the horse.

- Well, I mean, why did they pick you?

Shouldn't a famous dog be selling the food?

I mean, listen, don't take this wrong, Mayan,

but you're no Scooby-Doo.

- It's just a little start-up,

and I'm making a few extra bucks for vet school.

It's no big deal.

- It's a huge deal.

My pet lizard and I have been trying

to land a sponsorship for years.

Ain't that right, Lizzo?

- You must be so proud of her.

- The sexy lizard? We just met.

- No, Mayan.

Because of her videos,

the clinic's TikTok account has thousands of followers.

- Thanks.

Bone-jour even asked if I'd host a promotional event here

and it's gonna be livestreamed.

- Okay, calm down, Mayan Seacrest.

Don't let it go to your head.

Pride is one of the three deadly sins.

- There are seven.

- I know. I like the other four.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- Do you think Mayan's okay?

- I don't know. I'm a vet.

I don't understand human emotions.

Is this what happy looks like?

- I can hear you guys.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

- 'Cause you were just talking about your accomplishments

and your dad put you down.

- Ugh.

We don't say "put down" in this office.

- My dad wasn't insulting me. He's just keeping me grounded.

That's what Latino parents do.

- My parents do the same thing,

and I'ma tell them it's not right

as soon as I'm no longer on their cell phone plan.

- I don't think it's a bad thing

to be reminded to stay humble.

- As an employer, I love that I can take advantage

of how you undervalue yourself.

But as your friend and fellow woman,

girl, it's a bad look.

- You've got to stop putting up with your dad's crap.

Is he ever supportive or say anything nice to you?

- He makes fun of me the least out of everyone in the family.

What am I supposed to do?

- Take a stand like I do

anytime someone asks if we do grooming.

"I didn't go to school for eight years

to give a lizard extensions."

- I only asked you that one time.

* *

- Damn it. We're gonna be late.

Can you...

Come on, kid, we gotta go. - Hold, please.

Mrs. Garcia, substitute teacher.

And you are?

- Quinten Van Bryan. Nice to meet you.

Thank you for your service.

Come on, buddy. Get in the van.

I got you some candy.

- I would do anything for candy.

- Yeah.

- Chance, honey, do you know this sweaty, awkward man?

- Yeah, I'm his father.

Wait, did George talk to you?

- I don't know who George is,

but this boy's last name is Lopez.

If you were his real father, you would know that.

- It's hyphenated.

So his mom is Lopez, I'm Van Bryan.

And if you were a real teacher, you would know that.

- You claim he's your kid,

but he writes his name as Chance Lopez

on all of his schoolwork.

- Okay, well, I really appreciate you

keeping my child safe, but we're late.

So, Chance, tell this woman I'm your dad

so we can get to the dentist.

- Dentist?

I've never seen this dude before my life.

- Wh--what?

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Hey, Kibbles 'n Bits.

Check this out. I fixed the garbage disposal.

[disposal whirs]

I just earned myself six months more of free rent.

- Wow, that's amazing.

Good job. I'm so proud of you.

- Why you talking like that?

Did you find that special brownie in the freezer?

- No, I was just demonstrating the normal way to react

when someone you care about accomplishes something

they care about.

- I don't care about the disposal.

I clogged it on purpose for the free rent.

- I'm just gonna say it.

I don't like the rude things you said

in front of my coworkers today.

- I wasn't being rude. I was just keeping it real.

You were getting a big head.

And not in a handsome way like mine--look.

- That's toxic behavior.

And I'm so used to it that Brookie and Dr. Pocha

had to point it out for me to realize

that you are incapable of celebrating

anyone else's achievements.

- That is not true.

I celebrate the makers of this beer every night.

- You know, I don't think I've ever heard you say the words,

"I'm proud of you."

Not even when I was a kid.

Remember what you told me

after my middle school musical performance?

When I asked you how my singing was,

you told me to dance louder.

- Yes, because your feet can actually hit a note.

- Words matter, Dad.

- Yes, Mayan. I'm aware.

That's why I don't just throw them around.

Want me to tell you I'm proud of you

because you ate dog food?

You called me a hot mess

for eating pizza crust out of the trash.

- But you don't even say it for the big stuff.

I mean, I have a job that I love,

an amazing kid, and a wonderful life partner in Quinten.

- Who?

- Why is it so hard for you to say?

Just say that you're proud of me.

Just say it.

- Ew, no.

* *

[doorbell rings]

- I'm here.

I guess the genie granted your wish.

- Oh.

There's an iPad, cookies,

and a warm bath waiting for you in my room.

- How are you still single?

- Well, at least he loves one of us.

- Oh, what's wrong?

- A teacher at Chance's school didn't think I was his dad.

- George got to them?

- No. And look at me.

Obviously, I'm a POC.

A Parent of Chance.

- Well, I don't know.

He looks like a young Oscar Isaac,

and you look like his manager.

- Yeah, Chance dropped my last name at school.

So he's just going by Chance Lopez now.

- Well, probably because Chance Van Bryan

sounds like a lacrosse player on trial for assault.

- Okay, I'm just gonna get vulnerable with you

for a second.

I'm afraid that he's embarrassed of me.

And Mayan was embarrassed of George when she was a kid.

They didn't speak for 10 years.

- I hate to say it,

but maybe Chance is ashamed of his whiteness.

[chuckles] Actually, I don't hate to say it.

It felt good. [laughs]

Look, he lives in a house surrounded by Latinos.

Maybe you should teach him something

about your side of the family.

- That's a good idea.

I just--I don't want him to be ashamed of who he is.

You know, I want him to be proud.

- Hm, so you want him to be a proud white man?

- No, I'm just, like, saying that I want him to be a...

proud boy.

Oh, God, no, that's not--

I meant, like, a proud boy--Rosie.

Rosie, you know I didn't mean--

Rosie!

* *

- Can you believe Mayan?

Complaining that I never tell her I'm proud of her.

I must have said it one time behind her back accidentally.

That's gotta count for something.

- You never say you're proud of me,

but luckily, thanks to my ADHD...

- My grandmother only told me she was proud of me one time,

when I told child protective services

that we were playing frisbee with a chancla.

- I think you should just tell her, man.

She won't let it go. She's Gen Z.

Whoa.

We're at the end of the alphabet.

Sad to think that this will be the last generation of mankind.

- If I tell her, it'll be because she asked me,

not because I wanted to, obviously.

It would seem so just dis-indigenous.

- Disingenuous.

- That's what I said. Disin-gender-us.

- Boop.

- Wow. That's a good job. That's a perfect blunt.

Tight as a taquito to get us loose as a burrito.

- You're so good to me, man.

You really know how to show someone you appreciate them.

- Yeah.

Because I'm not a sayer. I'm a show-er.

- And I'm not a show-er.

I'm a grower, 'cause I grew all this weed.

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Look at all these people in here.

I don't see why your dad wouldn't be proud of you.

- You don't think I look silly?

- I actually find it much easier

to talk to you like this.

- You guys are just being nice. My dad was all--

- Don't listen to him.

- Yeah, you don't need your dad's validation.

You make great videos.

You're helping put this place on the map.

You even eat dog food and make it look orgasmic.

- Actually, I do a little trick.

I hide a piece of turkey jerky in my palm

and switch it at the last minute.

- So you're pretending to like it?

- Yeah, it's gross.

TikTok Mayan fully stands behind the product,

but real life Mayan thinks that crap is nasty,

which is why when I ask for a volunteer to try it,

Brookie's gonna say...

- [enunciating] Girl, I am just a random stranger

who does not know you at all.

- And that acting is why Lizzo doesn't have a sponsorship.

Just say you want to try it and take the jerky.

- See, you've got everything worked out.

You're gonna kill it out there.

So it doesn't matter what your dad thinks.

Just keep him out of your head.

- Keep him out of my head.

Keep him out of my head. Keep him out of my...

- The big dog is here. He's ready to Bone...

Jour. [chuckles]

- It's gonna be hard to keep him out of my head

when we can't keep him out of the building.

- [whistles] Wow, that's a beautiful dress.

- Oh, thank you.

- I was talking to the lizard.

- Why are you here? To make fun of me?

- Well, I wasn't planning to,

but I didn't know you'd be wearing that.

Mayan D.O. Double G.

- Look, I don't wanna get into a fight.

I'm about to do my presentation.

- Okay.

Do you want a scratch behind the ear for good luck?

- [barks]

[hisses]

Hi, everyone.

I'm Mayan Lopez, here to tell you

all about the amazing products from Bone-jour.

[applause]

They've got everything from pup-corn,

to pup-peroni, to pup-puccinos.

Hey, when a pun works, a pun works.

Most importantly, no dog can resist its delicious taste.

- Yes.

- And neither can I.

Mmm. Delicious.

These got me wagging for more.

Now, can I get a volunteer from the crowd to give it a try?

- Oh. [audience murmurs]

- I said, can I get a volunteer from the crowd?

- Has anyone seen a bearded dragon

in a custom denim jumpsuit?

- No one's trash enough to eat dog food.

- I'm trash. I'll eat it.

[cheers and applause]

- [softly] Dad, what are you doing up here?

- [softly] I'm proving that pride isn't just saying it.

It's showing it.

[normally] Hi, everyone. I'm George Lopez.

Mayan Lopez is my daughter,

and if she says that these treats are delicious,

then by gum, they're delicious.

- Oh, well, let me get you some.

- Now you and your dog can eat out of the same bowl.

- No, Dad, don't--

- Mmm-mm.

The flavor is just-- [gags]

[hacking]

It tastes so good, you'll want more.

- Dad, no. Please don't--oh.

- [gagging]

You see?

It's delicious. [chuckles]

Is that my lucky penny down there?

[vomiting]

- Oh. Oh, God.

[gags]

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Gross! Churro's eating your vo--

vomit!

Oh. [retches]

* *

- It's delicious. [gags]

- Mmm. - [retches]

- Mmm. - [retches]

- Gross! Churro's eating your vomit!

Churro's eating your--

[audio loops, plays]

[upbeat music playing]

[retching loops, plays]

- This will never not be funny.

- Gordo, can we talk for a sec?

- Okay, but make it quick,

'cause I gotta watch this video a hundred more times.

- It's about you going by Chance Lopez at school.

- [sighs] Are you mad?

- No, no.

I just--I want you to learn about where I came from.

- Grandpa says you came from a long line

of squishy marshmallows.

- Well, he's 90% alcohol, so we shouldn't listen to him.

I had my DNA analyzed, and according to the results,

I am Dutch, British, and German.

Which means I'm a purebred filthy colonizer.

Great. That's great.

I don't blame you for changing your last name at school.

You're embarrassed of me.

- What? No.

I changed it so I can go to recess earlier.

They let us out in alphabetical order.

And I'm not sure if you know this,

but V is near the end.

- You know, back when I was a kid,

it was also near the end.

- I wanted to get outside before the swings were taken.

I'm just trying to get my swing on, Daddy.

- So you're not embarrassed

that someone like me is your dad?

- Of course not. You're my best friend.

- You really mean that, bud?

- Well, my best white friend.

- I'll take it.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- Well, I'm no longer a brand ambassador for Bone-jour.

They said they're going in a different direction.

What does a lizard have to do with dog food?

- I'm so sorry, Mayan.

But you know what? Don't worry about it.

It's the Internet. In a week,

everybody would have forgotten all about it

as soon as that crazy white woman goes nuts at Walmart.

"That sign says this mayonnaise is two for one.

I ain't putting my top back on till I get answers."

- Well, I'll get another sponsorship

'cause I'm good at this.

I make great videos

when my father doesn't throw up in them.

- Well, believe it or not, I was trying to help you.

- Look, it's okay.

I realized that I don't need your validation

or anyone else's.

I'm proud of myself and my accomplishments

and I shouldn't be afraid to say it.

- [clears throat] Well, this has all left

a bad taste in my mouth.

- What, that I'm a successful, competent woman

who doesn't need her daddy's approval anymore?

- The dog food.

I still taste horse.

And it wasn't even real horse.

- So I have a confession.

- Chance's father is Wilmer Valderrama?

- No.

I actually never ate the dog food.

I always switched it with turkey jerky.

- Wait a minute.

So you were pretending to eat

those disgusting dog treats this whole time?

- Yeah.

- And you were scamming everybody, Mayan?

- Yep.

- You're an incredible liar...

And I'm so proud of you.

- Did you just say you were proud of me?

- I did, Mayan, and I meant it too.

- That's all I ever wanted to hear.

- I thought you didn't need my validation.

- Just let me have this.

- I really am an amazing dad, Mayan...

- Okay. Yup.

- And I think you should tell me more, and buy me more stuff.

- Okay. Yep, I knew this was gonna happen.

We were so close. Okay! - I love you so much. Ow!

* *

- Dad? Where are you?

- Oh, Mayan, we're in here.

- These are fantastic, by the way.

Thank you.

- What's up? - This place is pretty cool.

Thanks for not doing it in the house

in front of my seven year old.

A record player? Sweet.

[Santana's "Oye Como Va" plays]

* *

- Okay!

This is where the party's at!

What's up? Whoo!

* *

- Mayan, something is burning in the--

* *

Ay, fiesta! - [groans]

- Oh, I love this song. - Oh.

- [gasps] Are you watching "Born in East L.A."?

Oh! Ay!

It's my favorite.

* *

- I liked this place better, Oscar,

when it was less popular.

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