Original subtitles

[upbeat saxophone music]

- For this full moon brujaceremony,

I'm manifesting a career as a vet.

So I'm burning a little piece of Churro's fur.

Too late.

I already got it when she was sleeping.

- I'm also man-ifesting.

So I'm burning some of the hair of the man I have my eye on.

- Oh. - Did you really cut

- some of his hair off? - Oh, girl, no.

I'm not crazy.

I got it in the garbage in the alley

behind his barber shop.

[laughs]

Well, careful, Mayan.

Burning animal fur is used to curse someone.

How do you think George got

that weird patch of hair on his ass?

Maybe we should just say a chant for prosperity instead.

Ooh, I have one. Okay.

May the spirits help us secure the bag,

and may our perky asses never sag.

both: Ah!

[all giggling]

- Ah, ladies, uh, safety precaution.

Our homeowners policy doesn't cover brujería.

- Come on, are you brujas still messing with the spirits?

It's hard to rest in peace with Rosie's voice

making the ghosts' ears bleed.

- Ay,go shave your ass, viejito.

- You believe this stuff, George?

- 'Course I do. I'm Latino. I believe in ghosts,

Raider Nation, and that Vick's VapoRub can cure cancer.

You don't?

Quentin's a nonbeliever.

I am a spiritual person.

I meditate. I practice yoga.

I just don't think that there are

actual spirits among us.

I tolerate all of this because it is what Mayan believes in.

- You should watch your back, nerd,

because believe or don't believe,

this house is haunted.

Oh, the other night I saw a shadow in Chance's room,

and I caught it on video on my phone.

- Look. - [gasps]

- Funny, that "shadow" is shaped

just like George's p... I'm gonna say thumb.

- That's not my thumb. But just to be clear,

my thumb is much bigger than that.

Ohh.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- Boom! [cackles]

I win. Suck on that candy, grandson.

[laughs]

- This game doesn't feel very kid-friendly.

Why do you keep on winning and not the kid?

- Well, I get a little help from my Tía Azu.

She's my Candyland spirit guide.

She died of diabetes.

Nah, I'm not buying it.

You don't believe in spirits?

Your grandpa says that you saw a ghost the other night

in your bedroom.

- My daddy told me there's no such thing as ghosts

just like there's no land made of candy.

If there was, I would be on a bus right now.

No, your dad is wrong.

You want me to tell you about the little girl

with no face that used to visit me

when I was your age?

I feel like I should say no

but I'm a kid, and I don't know boundaries yet,

so go ahead.

* *

- Dad, I thought we agreed not to let

the dirty dishes pile up.

- Oh, that wasn't me, Mayan. That was the ghost.

Oh, and before you ask, he also brought

the trash back in after I took it out.

- Okay, just because we may have a spirit in the house,

doesn't mean you can blame everything on it.

If it gets to haunt us,

why can't we blame stuff on it?

Hey, it's called trickle-down ecto-nomics, Mayan.

Read a book.

- I'm here. - Oh.

- And like the moon and the wind and the stars,

I am everywhere.

- Rosie, don't be bringing your weird dates

into the kitchen.

- This is not my date. This is Carlos.

He's a curandero

that will help protect us from attacks by spirits

- from the other side. - Mm.

You have a spirit, I can clear it.

If you're bothered, give me a holler.

If you're possessed, I'm the best.

And I take all major credit cards,

cash, and now bitcoin.

- Well, I don't have any of those,

but how about a joint?

You strike me as that kind of guy.

No, I never touch the stuff.

Wait, I sense an evil, dark presence among us.

- Yeah, she's standing right next to you.

That blazer is hiding her bat wings.

[imitates wings flapping]

Ay,keep talking

and you'll be able to braid that ass hair by tomorrow.

- It is very strong in this kitchen.

- Well, then I'm going in the living room.

Girl, bye.

- It's on the move. - Oh.

- It's coming-- coming from his direction.

- All right, come on, man. Take it easy.

Ay,I don't like you like that, all right?

- Yes. Yes, someone from beyond has,

in the words of our ancient ancestors,

got major beef with you, homes.

- Wait, there's someone angry enough with you

to spend their entire afterlife haunting you?

[chuckles] Well, that could only be

anyone you've ever met.

- Wait a minute, that's not true.

I got along with everyone.

Well, not everyone.

Your Tío Hugo never forgave you

for saying his beard looked like chin mold.

- Yes, and if old "Fungus Face" would have got

that checked out earlier,

maybe he'd still be with us.

- No, it-it's none of those people.

I sense an older woman

whose first name begins with the letter "D."

- [gasps] - Oh, Dolores.

- Oh, that's George's grandmother.

- She raised him in this house. - Mm-hmm.

- That--no, come on. That could--

that could be anybody fr-from...

from Doris Day to Daisy Duck. I mean, come on.

Definitely not my Grandma Dolores.

Ow!

What is that?

- What is--aw! - [gasps]

A chancla!

Just like the ones Dolores used to hit you with.

Thrown from the other side.

Yes, it's definitely her.

- [sighs] - Do you two have

any unresolved issues?

- Well, me and that bruja always had issues,

but they were resolved nicely when she died.

- Well, that's not what she's saying.

As a matter of fact, she's not saying anything.

She's just holding up a middle finger.

- Well, I guess if there could be anything,

it could be the fact that I canceled her funeral

and then kept the money and then buried her ashes

- in the backyard. - Oh, my God.

Well, that'll do it.

- You put Grandma in the pet cemetery?

Oh, God, she's been spending eternity

next to my six dead hamsters.

I see 12.

- We might have replaced a few of them.

I don't know.

- I can't believe that you didn't give

your grandma a proper burial.

She raised you after your mother ran off.

- Yeah, I know she wasn't perfect,

but at least she didn't let you grow up on the streets.

I wish she had.

Homeless people don't have shoes to hit you with.

You gotta make this right.

- Yeah. This is disrespectful even for you.

- And that's disrespectful to me,

because both of you know

I've been way more disrespectful than this.

All right, fine. I'll take care of it.

- Good. Honor Dolores' wishes or else...

Or else what?

- Have you ever seen "Paranormal Activity"?

Spoiler alert, the family doesn't make it.

- Ay. - Ay.

[upbeat saxophone music]

Are you guys asleep?

- Huh? - [yells]

You're up.

I can't sleep.

I'm scared of a ghost with no face haunting me.

- [sighs] I already told you, gordo,

there's no such thing as ghosts.

So you got nothing to be scared of.

But Nana said you're wrong.

She also said you should marry Mom,

but that seemed like a side trip.

Yeah. Of course she did.

All right, you can sleep in bed with us tonight.

Just please make sure to hit...

[whimpers]

Did you just see the ghost?

No. Just some stars.

[groans]

* *

- Hey. - Well, you look nice.

Oh, I just finished

my grandmother's, uh, funeral service

like you asked.

Really?

But why didn't you include me

- or the rest of the family? - Well, Mayan, you know,

my grandma was a very private person.

But it was beautiful. I mean, I...

buried her ashes in the ocean,

and I sang her favorite Vicente Fernández song.

I felt her spirit move on.

Hey, George,

you left your beer helmet

and the Blunts and Booze festival.

- No, I think you mean I left my beer helmet

at my grandmother's funeral at the ocean.

No.

You definitely left it at the festival.

Get out.

I can't believe you lied

about burying Grandma Dolores.

She deserves so much better than this.

No, she doesn't, Mayan.

She was an abusive woman who made my life hell.

And she was not a good person.

But she was still a person.

I mean, no wonder her spirit can't rest.

Churro pees on her grave.

- Well, Churro's not the only one.

- I thought you were in a better place,

trying to change your life and to show me

that you could do what's right.

- Yes, for you but not her, okay?

She's dead and so is any obligation

to do right by her.

Her ghost doesn't think so.

And I'm not living in a haunted house.

So until you find grandma a proper resting place,

you and your cursed hairy ass are sleeping in your truck.

* *

- Chance woke me up at 1:00 a.m.

asking if he could sleep in bed with us.

He told me you made up more ghost stories,

and now he's scared again.

I didn't make up any stories.

Ghosts and spirits live among us.

Tell him. [chuckles]

Ghosts don't exist.

If they don't exist,

then explain the chancla that hit George.

- It-it was-- it was Mayan's chancla.

And I put it up on that shelf to keep it away from Churro.

Then why did the shelf fall?

- Well, that's easy. George hung it.

- Spirituality is part of my culture.

It's been passed down for generations.

Just like your culture passed down

baseball, apple pie, and racism.

Quentin, it's how we heal each other

and-and honor our ancestors.

- I am fine with you and Mayan believing whatever you want.

I come alive on Día de Los Muertos.

I just don't want it forced on my son.

- So you're okay with me taking care of him,

cooking for him, but spirituality is off-limits?

Yes. [laughs]

Exactly. That's--wow. Thank you for understanding.

- Does this look like a face of understanding?

- I don't know. All I see is beauty.

Look, I just--I just-- I want to limit

his exposure to things that are scary

and have no basis in reality.

All right? We'll talk later.

I am late for a battle with a level 26 Demogorgon.

* *

[groaning]

I shouldn't be in here.

This is all your fault.

What do you want from me, old woman?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me speak to you in your native tongue.

[hisses]

Ow!

- You are always wrong, baboso.

[gasps]

Actually, it's more like this...

- [jibbers] - Oh, man. Come on.

- Wait a minute, are you my Grandma Dolores?

No, I'm Beetlejuice.

What are you thinking?

- I'm thinking that those mushrooms

Oscar put in my burger were not portabello.

What are you doing back here?

The dead hamsters kicked you out, didn't they?

Please, I ate the hamsters.

Listen, another anniversary of my death has come,

and you still haven't laid me to rest properly.

So I'm gonna have to make you.

- You can't make me do anything anymore.

Oh, you think?

- [jibbers] - Oh! Come on, stop.

- Ah, just the same little bitch you were

when you were six.

- And you're still that same little 90-pound demon

you always were.

- Hey, Mayan forgave you for being a horrible father.

Why can't you forgive me?

That makes you a hippo-critter.

- You mean a hypocrite? - I said what I said.

- Well, I was a lot nicer to Mayan

than you were to me. Okay?

You used to lock me in that damn closet.

You think you had it bad?

I was the eldest of nine, which made me

the cook, the maid, the nanny.

And if I didn't keep my mouth shut,

it made me Mommy's punching bag.

It got so bad that I didn't speak for months

just trying to avoid a beating.

So do me a favor, don't harass me with your--

with your little tales of horror.

Mine would make you beg for the closet.

I didn't know.

Well, now you do.

I was carrying around a lot of anger.

And I guess I took it out on you.

- I think Mayan would call this generational trauma.

- I call it Gen Z caca. - [laughs]

Hey, it wasn't all bad.

Hey, you remember when we would go to the casino?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- And, uh, I taught you how to steal change

- from the viejitas. - Right.

You taught me to target the old ladies

with the hearing aids and the thick glasses.

- So forgive me and spread my ashes, already.

Because if you don't, I'm gonna have to think

of new ways to haunt you.

Like, uh, every time you drink a Modelo,

it'll taste like, um, White Claw.

No!

[gentle music]

* *

[sitar music]

- Daddy, you're meditating without me.

You know my third chakra has been blocked.

- Ooh, tell me more about these chakras.

- Daddy says there's seven different colors,

and they're all over your body.

There's even one on my butt.

- He's still learning. They're your energy points.

And in the Vedic tradition,

it is very important to keep them unblocked.

Oh, interesting.

So a practice from brown people in another continent is okay

but not from the brown people in your own home?

- You know what, Rosie? - What?

- You just made an excellent point.

- Oh. I was about to take my earrings off.

I-I am sorry that I disrespected

your beliefs just because they were different than mine.

- And I'm sorry that I scared Chance.

The ghost actually had a face. [chuckles]

Tell him you had a face.

* *

- Dad, what did you do to the backyard?

- I was trying to find my grandma's ashes.

Can't remember where I put her.

What changed your mind?

- I took a real hard look at myself, Mayan,

real deep dive into the deepest parts of my soul.

- So you saw her ghost? - Oh, yeah.

Maybe she deserves a funeral.

She wants me to forgive her, but...

I just don't know if I can do that.

Well, have you ever tried?

I mean, it was really hard to forgive you.

- And I'm really glad that you did, Mayan.

- I needed it. - I didn't do it for you.

I did it for me, to let go of the past.

[Churro barking]

What's up, girl?

- Churro found my grandmother's ashes.

- Wait, is this the liquor bag you told me was a puppet?

Count Tipsy von Whiskey.

I want to drink your booze.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Okay. What do you see in my tea leaves?

[gasps]

In your future I see something large, sparkly,

and princess cut.

Dad, we got a major problem.

- Perfect timing, son. What's wrong?

- The ghost put a bunch of holes

in our backyard, and I'm scared.

Luckily I found these brass knuckles

in one of them to protect myself.

- Okay, let's-- [chuckles].

Just gonna--gonna take those.

There's, uh--there's nothing to be scared of.

- Right, Rosie? - That's right.

A ghost didn't do that to your backyard.

- A drunk troll did. - [chuckles]

Come, gordo,sit over here.

No ghost is going to hurt you.

Any spirits in this house

are just family watching over us.

Does that mean after we die

our family will all be together again?

- Yep. That's exactly what that means.

- So now I have forever to figure out

how to beat you in Candyland.

- Yup. But that's never gonna happen, chump.

- [chuckles] - Nana, who hurt you?

* *

- Why did we bring Grandma's ashes

to a Walter Mercado penny slot?

All signs point to big win.

- This is where she was the happiest.

Actually, it's where we were the happiest together.

Yeah, you know, I thought about what you said, Mayan.

And this is the right thing to do.

- Would you like to say anything

before you spread her ashes?

You know, quickly, before anyone catches us.

Yeah, uh...

Okay, vieja,

I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing it for me, to let go of the past.

I don't deserve much, but I deserve to be free.

Rest in peace con mucho, mucho amor.

Mucho, mucho amor.

Play now for your fortune.

Oh, we've been caught.

Dump the old lady and run.

Muchi, mucho dinero.

- Ahh! - Ugh.

I got my grandma in my eye!

- Ooh, that big-headed Georgie finally did something right.

[gasps] Okay, Walter...

[slot machine trills]

[gasps] Oh!

Jackpot!

- $100,000! - Oh, my God!

You're rich!

- I won. I won. I won the jackpot.

This is the best day of my afterlife.

[bellowing]

Damn.

Being a curandero doesn't pay

like what it used to.

Hmm, I wonder if this casino takes bitcoin.

- Whoa! Oh, no. No, no. No, no.

Let me out of here.

Where's a chancla when you need one?

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