All language subtitles for Lopez vs Lopez s01e07 Ghosts.eng

[upbeat saxophone music]

- For this full moon
brujaceremony,

I'm manifesting a career
as a vet.

So I'm burning a little piece
of Churro's fur.

Too late.

I already got it
when she was sleeping.

- I'm also man-ifesting.

So I'm burning some of the hair
of the man I have my eye on.

- Oh.
- Did you really cut

- some of his hair off?
- Oh, girl, no.

I'm not crazy.

I got it in the garbage
in the alley

behind his barber shop.

[laughs]

Well, careful, Mayan.

Burning animal fur
is used to curse someone.

How do you think George got

that weird patch of hair
on his ass?

Maybe we should just say
a chant for prosperity instead.

Ooh, I have one. Okay.

May the spirits help us
secure the bag,

and may our perky asses
never sag.

both: Ah!

[all giggling]

- Ah, ladies, uh,
safety precaution.

Our homeowners policy
doesn't cover brujería.

- Come on, are you brujas
still messing with the spirits?

It's hard to rest in peace
with Rosie's voice

making the ghosts' ears bleed.

- Ay,go shave your ass,
viejito.

- You believe this stuff,
George?

- 'Course I do. I'm Latino.
I believe in ghosts,

Raider Nation, and that Vick's
VapoRub can cure cancer.

You don't?

Quentin's a nonbeliever.

I am a spiritual person.

I meditate. I practice yoga.

I just don't think
that there are

actual spirits among us.

I tolerate all of this because
it is what Mayan believes in.

- You should watch
your back, nerd,

because believe
or don't believe,

this house is haunted.

Oh, the other night I saw
a shadow in Chance's room,

and I caught it on video
on my phone.

- Look.
- [gasps]

- Funny, that "shadow"
is shaped

just like George's p...
I'm gonna say thumb.

- That's not my thumb.
But just to be clear,

my thumb is much bigger
than that.

Ohh.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- Boom!
[cackles]

I win.
Suck on that candy, grandson.

[laughs]

- This game doesn't feel
very kid-friendly.

Why do you keep on winning
and not the kid?

- Well, I get a little help
from my Tía Azu.

She's my Candyland
spirit guide.

She died of diabetes.

Nah, I'm not buying it.

You don't believe in spirits?

Your grandpa says that you saw
a ghost the other night

in your bedroom.

- My daddy told me there's
no such thing as ghosts

just like there's no land
made of candy.

If there was, I would be
on a bus right now.

No, your dad is wrong.

You want me to tell you
about the little girl

with no face
that used to visit me

when I was your age?

I feel like I should say no

but I'm a kid, and I don't know
boundaries yet,

so go ahead.

* *

- Dad, I thought we agreed
not to let

the dirty dishes pile up.

- Oh, that wasn't me, Mayan.
That was the ghost.

Oh, and before you ask,
he also brought

the trash back in
after I took it out.

- Okay, just because we may
have a spirit in the house,

doesn't mean you can blame
everything on it.

If it gets to haunt us,

why can't we blame stuff on it?

Hey, it's called trickle-down
ecto-nomics, Mayan.

Read a book.

- I'm here.
- Oh.

- And like the moon and the
wind and the stars,

I am everywhere.

- Rosie, don't be bringing
your weird dates

into the kitchen.

- This is not my date.
This is Carlos.

He's a curandero

that will help protect us
from attacks by spirits

- from the other side.
- Mm.

You have a spirit,
I can clear it.

If you're bothered,
give me a holler.

If you're possessed,
I'm the best.

And I take
all major credit cards,

cash, and now bitcoin.

- Well, I don't have
any of those,

but how about a joint?

You strike me
as that kind of guy.

No, I never touch the stuff.

Wait, I sense an evil,
dark presence among us.

- Yeah, she's standing
right next to you.

That blazer is hiding
her bat wings.

[imitates wings flapping]

Ay,keep talking

and you'll be able to braid
that ass hair by tomorrow.

- It is very strong
in this kitchen.

- Well, then I'm going
in the living room.

Girl, bye.

- It's on the move.
- Oh.

- It's coming--
coming from his direction.

- All right, come on, man.
Take it easy.

Ay,I don't like you
like that, all right?

- Yes. Yes,
someone from beyond has,

in the words
of our ancient ancestors,

got major beef with you, homes.

- Wait, there's someone
angry enough with you

to spend their entire afterlife
haunting you?

[chuckles]
Well, that could only be

anyone you've ever met.

- Wait a minute,
that's not true.

I got along with everyone.

Well, not everyone.

Your Tío Hugo never forgave you

for saying his beard looked
like chin mold.

- Yes, and if old "Fungus Face"
would have got

that checked out earlier,

maybe he'd still be with us.

- No, it-it's none
of those people.

I sense an older woman

whose first name begins
with the letter "D."

- [gasps]
- Oh, Dolores.

- Oh, that's George's
grandmother.

- She raised him in this house.
- Mm-hmm.

- That--no, come on.
That could--

that could be anybody
fr-from...

from Doris Day to Daisy Duck.
I mean, come on.

Definitely not
my Grandma Dolores.

Ow!

What is that?

- What is--aw!
- [gasps]

A chancla!

Just like the ones
Dolores used to hit you with.

Thrown from the other side.

Yes, it's definitely her.

- [sighs]
- Do you two have

any unresolved issues?

- Well, me and that bruja
always had issues,

but they were resolved nicely
when she died.

- Well, that's not
what she's saying.

As a matter of fact,
she's not saying anything.

She's just holding up
a middle finger.

- Well, I guess
if there could be anything,

it could be the fact
that I canceled her funeral

and then kept the money
and then buried her ashes

- in the backyard.
- Oh, my God.

Well, that'll do it.

- You put Grandma
in the pet cemetery?

Oh, God, she's been spending
eternity

next to my six dead hamsters.

I see 12.

- We might have replaced
a few of them.

I don't know.

- I can't believe
that you didn't give

your grandma a proper burial.

She raised you
after your mother ran off.

- Yeah,
I know she wasn't perfect,

but at least she didn't let
you grow up on the streets.

I wish she had.

Homeless people don't have
shoes to hit you with.

You gotta make this right.

- Yeah. This is disrespectful
even for you.

- And that's disrespectful
to me,

because both of you know

I've been way more
disrespectful than this.

All right, fine.
I'll take care of it.

- Good. Honor Dolores' wishes
or else...

Or else what?

- Have you ever seen
"Paranormal Activity"?

Spoiler alert,
the family doesn't make it.

- Ay.
- Ay.

[upbeat saxophone music]

Are you guys asleep?

- Huh?
- [yells]

You're up.

I can't sleep.

I'm scared of a ghost
with no face haunting me.

- [sighs] I already told you,
gordo,

there's no such thing
as ghosts.

So you got nothing
to be scared of.

But Nana said you're wrong.

She also said
you should marry Mom,

but that seemed
like a side trip.

Yeah. Of course she did.

All right, you can sleep
in bed with us tonight.

Just please make sure
to hit...

[whimpers]

Did you just see the ghost?

No. Just some stars.

[groans]

* *

- Hey.
- Well, you look nice.

Oh, I just finished

my grandmother's, uh,
funeral service

like you asked.

Really?

But why didn't you include me

- or the rest of the family?
- Well, Mayan, you know,

my grandma was
a very private person.

But it was beautiful.
I mean, I...

buried her ashes in the ocean,

and I sang her favorite
Vicente Fernández song.

I felt her spirit move on.

Hey, George,

you left your beer helmet

and the Blunts and Booze
festival.

- No, I think you mean
I left my beer helmet

at my grandmother's funeral
at the ocean.

No.

You definitely left it
at the festival.

Get out.

I can't believe you lied

about burying Grandma Dolores.

She deserves so much better
than this.

No, she doesn't, Mayan.

She was an abusive woman
who made my life hell.

And she was not a good person.

But she was still a person.

I mean, no wonder
her spirit can't rest.

Churro pees on her grave.

- Well, Churro's
not the only one.

- I thought you were
in a better place,

trying to change your life
and to show me

that you could do what's right.

- Yes, for you but not her,
okay?

She's dead
and so is any obligation

to do right by her.

Her ghost doesn't think so.

And I'm not living
in a haunted house.

So until you find grandma
a proper resting place,

you and your cursed hairy ass
are sleeping in your truck.

* *

- Chance woke me up
at 1:00 a.m.

asking if he could sleep
in bed with us.

He told me you made up
more ghost stories,

and now he's scared again.

I didn't make up any stories.

Ghosts and spirits
live among us.

Tell him.
[chuckles]

Ghosts don't exist.

If they don't exist,

then explain the chancla
that hit George.

- It-it was--
it was Mayan's chancla.

And I put it up on that shelf
to keep it away from Churro.

Then why did the shelf fall?

- Well, that's easy.
George hung it.

- Spirituality
is part of my culture.

It's been passed down
for generations.

Just like your culture
passed down

baseball, apple pie,
and racism.

Quentin, it's how we heal
each other

and-and honor our ancestors.

- I am fine with you and Mayan
believing whatever you want.

I come alive
on Día de Los Muertos.

I just don't want it forced
on my son.

- So you're okay
with me taking care of him,

cooking for him,
but spirituality is off-limits?

Yes. [laughs]

Exactly. That's--wow.
Thank you for understanding.

- Does this look like a face
of understanding?

- I don't know.
All I see is beauty.

Look, I just--I just--
I want to limit

his exposure
to things that are scary

and have no basis in reality.

All right? We'll talk later.

I am late for a battle
with a level 26 Demogorgon.

* *

[groaning]

I shouldn't be in here.

This is all your fault.

What do you want from me,
old woman?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me speak to you
in your native tongue.

[hisses]

Ow!

- You are always wrong,
baboso.

[gasps]

Actually,
it's more like this...

- [jibbers]
- Oh, man. Come on.

- Wait a minute,
are you my Grandma Dolores?

No, I'm Beetlejuice.

What are you thinking?

- I'm thinking
that those mushrooms

Oscar put in my burger
were not portabello.

What are you doing back here?

The dead hamsters
kicked you out, didn't they?

Please, I ate the hamsters.

Listen, another anniversary
of my death has come,

and you still haven't
laid me to rest properly.

So I'm gonna have to make you.

- You can't make me do
anything anymore.

Oh, you think?

- [jibbers]
- Oh! Come on, stop.

- Ah, just the same
little bitch you were

when you were six.

- And you're still that same
little 90-pound demon

you always were.

- Hey, Mayan forgave you
for being a horrible father.

Why can't you forgive me?

That makes you a hippo-critter.

- You mean a hypocrite?
- I said what I said.

- Well, I was a lot nicer
to Mayan

than you were to me. Okay?

You used to lock me
in that damn closet.

You think you had it bad?

I was the eldest of nine,
which made me

the cook, the maid, the nanny.

And if I didn't keep
my mouth shut,

it made me Mommy's
punching bag.

It got so bad
that I didn't speak for months

just trying to avoid a beating.

So do me a favor,
don't harass me with your--

with your little tales
of horror.

Mine would make you beg
for the closet.

I didn't know.

Well, now you do.

I was carrying around
a lot of anger.

And I guess
I took it out on you.

- I think Mayan would call this
generational trauma.

- I call it Gen Z caca.
- [laughs]

Hey, it wasn't all bad.

Hey, you remember
when we would go to the casino?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- And, uh, I taught you
how to steal change

- from the viejitas.
- Right.

You taught me to target
the old ladies

with the hearing aids
and the thick glasses.

- So forgive me and spread
my ashes, already.

Because if you don't,
I'm gonna have to think

of new ways to haunt you.

Like, uh,
every time you drink a Modelo,

it'll taste like, um,
White Claw.

No!

[gentle music]

* *

[sitar music]

- Daddy, you're meditating
without me.

You know my third chakra
has been blocked.

- Ooh, tell me more
about these chakras.

- Daddy says
there's seven different colors,

and they're all over your body.

There's even one on my butt.

- He's still learning.
They're your energy points.

And in the Vedic tradition,

it is very important
to keep them unblocked.

Oh, interesting.

So a practice from brown people
in another continent is okay

but not from the brown people
in your own home?

- You know what, Rosie?
- What?

- You just made
an excellent point.

- Oh. I was about to take
my earrings off.

I-I am sorry
that I disrespected

your beliefs just because
they were different than mine.

- And I'm sorry
that I scared Chance.

The ghost actually had a face.
[chuckles]

Tell him you had a face.

* *

- Dad, what did you do
to the backyard?

- I was trying to find
my grandma's ashes.

Can't remember where I put her.

What changed your mind?

- I took a real hard look
at myself, Mayan,

real deep dive into the deepest
parts of my soul.

- So you saw her ghost?
- Oh, yeah.

Maybe she deserves a funeral.

She wants me to forgive her,
but...

I just don't know
if I can do that.

Well, have you ever tried?

I mean, it was really hard
to forgive you.

- And I'm really glad
that you did, Mayan.

- I needed it.
- I didn't do it for you.

I did it for me,
to let go of the past.

[Churro barking]

What's up, girl?

- Churro found
my grandmother's ashes.

- Wait, is this the liquor bag
you told me was a puppet?

Count Tipsy von Whiskey.

I want to drink your booze.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Okay. What do you see
in my tea leaves?

[gasps]

In your future I see
something large, sparkly,

and princess cut.

Dad, we got a major problem.

- Perfect timing, son.
What's wrong?

- The ghost put
a bunch of holes

in our backyard,
and I'm scared.

Luckily I found
these brass knuckles

in one of them
to protect myself.

- Okay, let's--
[chuckles].

Just gonna--gonna take those.

There's, uh--there's nothing
to be scared of.

- Right, Rosie?
- That's right.

A ghost didn't do that
to your backyard.

- A drunk troll did.
- [chuckles]

Come, gordo,sit over here.

No ghost is going to hurt you.

Any spirits in this house

are just family
watching over us.

Does that mean after we die

our family will all be
together again?

- Yep. That's exactly
what that means.

- So now I have forever
to figure out

how to beat you in Candyland.

- Yup. But that's never
gonna happen, chump.

- [chuckles]
- Nana, who hurt you?

* *

- Why did we bring
Grandma's ashes

to a Walter Mercado penny slot?

All signs point to big win.

- This is
where she was the happiest.

Actually, it's where we were
the happiest together.

Yeah, you know, I thought
about what you said, Mayan.

And this is the right thing
to do.

- Would you like
to say anything

before you spread her ashes?

You know, quickly,
before anyone catches us.

Yeah, uh...

Okay, vieja,

I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing it for me,
to let go of the past.

I don't deserve much,
but I deserve to be free.

Rest in peace
con mucho, mucho amor.

Mucho, mucho amor.

Play now for your fortune.

Oh, we've been caught.

Dump the old lady and run.

Muchi, mucho dinero.

- Ahh!
- Ugh.

I got my grandma in my eye!

- Ooh, that big-headed Georgie
finally did something right.

[gasps]
Okay, Walter...

[slot machine trills]

[gasps] Oh!

Jackpot!

- $100,000!
- Oh, my God!

You're rich!

- I won. I won.
I won the jackpot.

This is the best day
of my afterlife.

[bellowing]

Damn.

Being a curandero
doesn't pay

like what it used to.

Hmm, I wonder if this casino
takes bitcoin.

- Whoa! Oh, no. No, no.
No, no.

Let me out of here.

Where's a chancla
when you need one?

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