Original subtitles

♪ "I'll Be Home for Christmas" playing ♪

♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪

♪ You can plan on me... ♪

Eh?

Selfish little prick.

♪ Please have snow ♪

♪ And mistletoe ♪

♪ And presents ♪

♪ On the tree ♪

[Daptonians cheering]

♪ Christmas Eve... ♪

Look, Darren, there it is!

Well, I'll be damned.

Hollywood Island.

That's where the stars live.

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ For Christmas... ♪

[coughing]

- Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Hot Christmas from Summer Santa...

[inhales sharply]

...ya bastards.

♪ ...only in my ♪

♪ Dreams ♪

[fire sizzling]

My dad's dead, my mum's mourning,

and my brother's in a psychic coma from fighting the emus.

I feel like my Christmas presents are going to be shit.

I feel... sad?

- Babe, you're going through a traumatic period right now.

I'm here for you.

- Thanks, Rosie. I'm so glad we became... close.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.

I don't mind. I'm glad you did.

- Rosie, I thought I wanted to be you, but I realize now I want to be with you.

- Alison, I-- I wish it were that simple. There are things you don't understand.

I wish we could go far away from Dapto... from Australia.

- We can! Hollywood Island just arrived. We can run away, together.

We can go to the docks right now.

- I want to. There's just something I have to do at home first.

I'll meet you there in an hour.

Goodbye, Liam.

I'm sorry your brain exploded.

You were a mostly okay brother some of the time.

- My attempt to impose order on this unforgiving wilderness

has been met with mixed success.

The animals are not respecting the loading zones

nor the pedestrian crossings.

[signs clang] Also, I might be going mad.

But I will see Vicky and the kids again.

I will defeat the Kookaburra.

I will... [groans]

Dapto...

Vicky...

I'm sorry.

[fire sizzling]

[Daptonians screaming]

- Fuck me dead! This is the worst bush fire we've seen in years!

Fear not, citizens!

The mighty flap of the Kookaburra's wings will blow out the fire,

and we can all have a happy holiday season,

no matter what your religious affiliations are!

DAPTONIANS: Yay!

[straining] ♪ dramatic music playing ♪

- [screaming] - You made it ten times worse, you idiot!

- Come back! I can fix this! I'm a hero! Love me!

- You're fuckin' ruining Christmas, dickhead!

You're worse than Koala Man!

Do not speak his name!

If this town won't accept my protection, you can burn for it!

Okay, Alison. Time to leave!

[phone rings]

ROSIE: [on phone] Alison! I'm stuck! Please, help me!

Rosie! She's in trouble.

- Alison, your friend will be fine! We have to get Liam!

Mum, I need to find Rosie.

I... ugh...

love her!

Oh. Oh, okay.

Yep, lot of things happening today.

Rosie's a lovely girl. And I know I can't stop you.

So go, be quick.

And if you get yourself killed, you're grounded!

I love you!

♪ mysterious music playing ♪

[echoing] Greetings, Kevin.

- Mindy! It's really you! Am I dead?

No, Kevin, you're in the Koala Realm.

I've brought you here because I need to show you something.

Come with me.

- Rosie, are you okay?! - Alison, you shouldn't be here.

- What are you talking about? You called me.

- [doors slam] - No. We called you.

Rosie? Rosies?

- Grab her, Rosie 3! [Rosie 3 snarls]

Let her go!

- We found the tickets to Hollywood Island.

But we can't allow you to leave.

The Rosie triplets need to stick together.

What the fuck is going on?

- Haven't you ever wondered how I could be everywhere at once?

How I can give a command performance as Cosette in Les Miz

and be the MVP of the netball final

and be at Sarah's pool party all at the same time?

I thought you were just... cool.

Such a sweet, stupid girl.

- I'm sorry, Alison. I tried to tell you in the hospital.

- And we know what you've been up to, Alison.

Rising the ranks.

Taking out rivals.

But we've been one step ahead all along.

We've got big plans!

Unfortunately, Rosie 2 had to go and fall in love.

But now that you know our secret, you'll never leave this place!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[employees gasping]

- Let's get out of here! Fuck these kids! [screaming]

- Liam! Come on, baby, Mummy's here to keep you safe.

That's totally unnecessary, Vicky.

The Kookaburra's here to protect ya.

[gasps] What are you doing here?

- I thought you of all people would understand,

being married to...

Koala Man.

- How did you know that I--? - I know everything about you, Vicky.

Because I've been close to you

all this time!

Principal Bazwell?!

Correct, Vicky.

I needed to be close, so I could study you, your children,

and your wicked husband,

so I could understand my enemy's family before I destroyed him.

What did you do to Kevin?

Ooh, you're so angry.

I gave him what he always wanted: the chance to be a real koala.

He's permanently stuck in a eucalyptus tree,

where he most likely is now nothing but a rotting corpse!

- You monster! - Ohh!

[groans] Egg!

Uggh! Ow! Vicky!

[gasps, sighs]

Not another peep out of you, Vicky, thank you.

Liam, Daddy's here.

We're going to be a family now, dude.

- Come on, you lot! This is our town!

Don't tuck tail and run!

Thank you, Big Greg.

Go!

If this is Big Greg's moment to snuff it, so be it.

I'm sure there's plenty of fire in hell!

[roaring]

[sighs]

Huh?

- I hope you like your new home. I built it just for you.

- You're insane! The bush fire will consume this house at any moment!

- I may be a kookaburra, but perhaps I'm really a phoenix.

And like phoenixes, we will all be reborn in the flames!

Genius! I need to write that down.

[laughing hysterically]

- You think you've been alone in the universe, Kevin, but you haven't.

This is the 7th dimension, and here lives...

Zoala Man.

He has just yelled at some naughty kids for skateboarding on private property.

And this is [speaking unintelligibly] on planet Blip,

958 trillion light-years away.

He just reprimanded his neighbor [unintelligible] 55

for having his music too loud after 2 a.m.

Gosh, what pedants.

- Even though we koalas are seen as useless, we're actually guardians,

observing the world perched from high above.

In every realm and every dimension, there must be a Koala Man.

This is your purpose, and your journey is not over yet.

- It seems like all I did was cause problems.

Dapto hates me. And I lost my family.

You can still help them.

No! Dapto!

VICKY: Let us go, Bazwell!

- Sweet, sweet Vicky... the flames will cleanse us!

- [gasps] Principal Bazwell is the Kookaburra?

And he's got my family?

Nooooooooooo!

- You must return to your realm, Kevin. You still have work to do.

- Mindy, I'm sorry I wasn't able to save you from that vicious V8 car.

Release yourself from grief, Kevin.

I am at peace with the cosmic koala spirits, as you will be.

Someday.

For now, enter my pouch and be reborn.

- Ah, it's quite sticky in here--

[screaming]

- [perky voice] Hi! I'm your new mask! I'm nicer than the other one.

I hope you enjoy wearing me.

♪ epic music playing ♪

Fuck yeah.

That's my swear for the year spent. [helicopter hovering]

- Spider! - G'day, you bloody legend.

I brought some mates you might recognize.

No man left behind!

It's so good to see you, Koala Man.

Maxwell! Louise!

I really, really, really hope you've got a permit

for that illegal-looking aircraft!

How on Earth did you find me?!

I never gave up on you.

I sold my house and bought this helicopter just to find you.

There's something I need to tell you.

Something I've tried to tell you a thousand times before,

but I could never find the words.

- I lo... - There's no time for that right now, Louise.

Spider, set a course for the dilapidated mansion on the edge of town!

That's where he's taken my family.

Now that I think of it, I didn't see my daughter in my koala-realm-dream-vision.

But I'm sure she's okay. She's a very independent young woman.

- That's for thinking you could ever be as powerful as us.

- Come on, Rosie 2. Forget about her.

We're so close!

Let's destroy Alison and rule Australia as Queen!

[spits]

[chuckles]

- Do you other Rosies really think Rosie 1 is going to let you rule with her?

We do everything together.

- I know your brain inside and out, Rosies.

I've studied you for months.

Power. Popularity. Those aren't things you share.

It's clear which one of you is in charge.

BOTH: Yeah, me.

- [scoffs] Are you serious? I'm clearly the leader!

Without me, nothing would ever get done!

- For someone who's apparently the "workaholic leader,"

you sure do take a lot of days off.

- You bitch! You know I need those self-care Sundays to de-stress!

Hey! Rosie 2, what do you think you're doing?!

- Alison! Run! - I won't leave you!

[Rosie groans]

- [other Rosies groan] - Rosie!

[groans]

- Rosie 2, you hot bitch, you've killed us...

- I knew we shouldn't have let you keep that poison blow gun! Ohh!

What happened to the other Rosies?

When one Rosie dies, we all die.

No, Rosie! You have to live! Please!

It's okay, Alison.

I was going down an evil path,

and there was no saving me,

until I met you.

[sobbing] I love you, Rosie.

- I love you too, Alison. You did it.

[coughs]

You're the most powerful girl in Dapto.

Good on...

you.

Blehhh!

Aren't I a good daddy?

[door slams]

- Nobody regurgitates into my son's mouth...

except for me!

- Kevin! - Ahh, Koala Man.

You survived my island trap, just as I hoped you would.

I wanted you to suffer while I took everything from you.

Your son, your wife, I took your watch.

Now I shall end you once and for all!

- Your bird-brained scheme is over.

That was an avian-based insult,

appropriate to your theme, if you couldn't tell.

You're finished, Bazwell.

Bazwell?! [laughing hysterically]

You think Bazwell is real?

Oh, no, he was just the disguise under my disguise.

Are you telling me you still don't recognize me, Kevin?

This place?

Wait a second.

I do recognize this house.

I was just a boy. It was...

it was my school chum Christopher's house.

Don't you mean "Pissy Chrissy"?

Christopher? Is that you?!

- You set this all in motion, Koala Man,

the day you wouldn't let me go to the bathroom without a pass.

That was the day I became Pissy Chrissy.

STUDENTS: Pissy Chrissy!

CHRISTOPHER: They called my parents to pick me up that day, Kevin.

The last thing I remember my father saying to me was that he was ashamed

to have a pissy boy in the family.

Perhaps if he'd been paying less attention to humiliating me...

[truck horn honks] ...and more to the road...

My face was mangled, so they built me a new one.

Of course, none of my doctors realized that, with my parents dead,

no one was there to give my dear grandmother her medication.

After I got out of hospital, my entire family was dead,

except my grandmother's kookaburra, "Old Nan."

[laughing] I hated Old Nan.

She lorded over me.

She didn't share her grubs.

Snickering bitch.

One day, I had enough.

[laughing like Kookaburra]

- Kevin, did you drive the Kookaburra hopelessly insane?

Vicky, please!

And, Christopher, I'm sorry.

I didn't know. I thought you moved back to New Zealand or something, honestly!

- There was one thing I liked about Old Nan.

Did you know that birds don't pee?

Google it, Kevin.

If only I had been like a bird that day, I never would have been Pissy Chrissy.

That's why I vowed never to pee again.

Wait, you haven't urinated in...?

Thirty years! That's right!

But adhering to the toiletry habits of a bird wasn't enough.

I had to become a bird.

At first it was just the costume...

but now, I have a better solution.

The manimal ooze!

Let the final transformation begin!

[muttering]

Waaaah!

♪ epic music playing ♪ [screaming]

[laughs like kookaburra]

[shrieks]

So be it, Kookaburra.

To the death then.

A real superhero battle!

[shrieking, grunting]

Vicky, run! Take Liam!

If I don't make it, tell Dapto I never gave up on them.

Tell them I did my best!

- Kevin. - Go!

Uggh! Ow!

Uch! Gross.

Kevin? Is that you, buddy?

Please help me--

No, get out of my head, Pissy Chrissy!

- Christopher, I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago.

This is the end of Koala Man!

[shrieks]

One bathroom pass for Christopher!

- Uch. This is just one of your tricks! This isn't an official pass.

No, it's official.

You can go to the bathroom.

- R-really?

I'm allowed to go wee-wees?

Yep, let it rip, mate. It's time.

I don't know if I can.

It's been so long, I...

- Just close your eyes and think of the most soothing memory you have.

That's what I do to relax my urethra.

Uhh, uhh...

Ohhhh, I think it's happening!

Oh, yes... here it comes!

[sighing]

- Don't waste it, Christopher! I've got an idea!

[coughing]

This is it, Damo. We're gonna die.

At least we'll go together.

I hope our souls find each other again.

They always do.

VICKY: Enough of that!

♪ epic music playing ♪

Look, I know it seems hopeless,

but that's exactly why we have to be courageous!

Maybe we Daptonians aren't the most perfect bunch,

but we have to have faith in each other.

Faith that, in spite of the disappointments in our lives,

we're all capable of so much more than we realize.

Faith that maybe, just maybe,

there's somebody up there watching out for us.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

Steady, mate, steady.

- I can't hold it much longer, Kevin! KOALA MAN: Steady!

Now! Urinate, Christopher! Urinate!

CHRISTOPHER: Ugggggghhhh...

It's Koala Man!

DARREN: Riding the Kookaburra!

MRS. BANKS: They bloody saved Dapto.

- Christmas is back on! ALL: Yay!

And here's to Vicky!

She rallied us in our darkest moment and made us believe in miracles.

[cheering]

♪ peaceful music playing ♪

Think I found another burnt corpse.

[gasps]

[sighs]

- Learned to hold my breath for hours after a bad turn on the Zambezi.

It'll take more than a little bush fire to kill Big Greg!

- I just want you to know that I never took that emu egg.

It's a long story but--

- It doesn't matter. I saw what you did today.

Great job, Kevin. I mean...

Koala Man.

Glad you're feeling better, mate.

I think all that urine backed up in your body made you go a bit insane.

Toxins and whatnot.

- You know, earlier when I was kind of acting all crazy,

you told me to think of a soothing memory

so I could piss out 30 years of backed-up urine,

I thought about when we were kids, Kev...

when we used to dream about being mates for life.

- It's not too late. Dapto could use another superhero.

- Perhaps one day, Koala Man. I still have much to atone for.

I'm going to Albion Park, where I can dabble in being their winged defender.

- Then I'm sure we'll meet again, old friend.

- Actually, I think Albion Park technically starts here, so...

♪ regal music playing ♪

It's official.

With Rosie Yodels dead,

Alison is now the most powerful girl in school.

Now, bow to Alison!

- I did it, Rosie, but it means nothing without you.

Your evil sisters were right about one thing:

Dapto is just the beginning.

And there are so many more worlds to conquer.

♪ sinister music playing ♪

KEVIN: My sweet boy.

I never gave you the attention you deserved.

I blame myself.

For not kicking around a footy.

For not listening to your problems.

For not noticing the onset

of your destructive telepathic and psychokinetic powers.

My one Christmas wish is for you to come back to me.

♪ Christmas bells jingling ♪

- Ah, alright. I guess it's Christmas...

Mom? Dad?

- Oh, my God, sweet young Liam! - Oh, my God!

You're awake!

- The voices in my head. They're gone.

Oh, that's great news, honey!

Yes... but before I lost the Gift,

I heard the thoughts of every creature in the world.

Sherpas on top of Mount Everest.

Tiny microbes in the crevices of the Mariana Trench.

All places at once.

I was connected to a beautiful, vast collective soul.

[sighs] I'm not sure I belong in Dapto anymore.

- Don't be ridiculous, of course you do!

Hey, I still need a sidekick. You could be Koala Boy.

No, Koala Kid.

Bit of alliteration there makes it better.

But the point is, you're back, and we'll be together here in Dapto.

Forever.

[sighs]

ALISON: I think you need these more than I do.

Try not to be too cringe.

[sighs]

Goodbye, Dapto.

Kid, you're gonna love it here.

- I hope the town appreciates what you did for them, Kevin.

- After traveling through the veil of life and death,

I don't care about that anymore.

It's not about the approval of Dapto.

I'm Koala Man because it's the right thing to do.

There's only one person's approval I need: yours.

I love you, Vicky.

I love you too, Kevin.

Which is why I need to tell you something.

- Oh, no, is this the divorce chat? Well, you can't fire me because I quit!

No! I don't want a divorce!

Something about helping everyone during the fire made me realize

that I'm capable of doing so much more with my life.

I want to run for town council.

Vicky, love.

I'll support anything you wanna do.

So long as you fill out the appropriate forms

and pay the application fees.

Of course.

Oh, my God, Christmas snow! During summer?

[gasps] How can this be?

- Actually, I think that's just the ashes of our neighbors that burnt in the fire.

Sorry.

VICKY: Oh.

Well, it's still very pretty.

♪ theme song playing ♪

♪ guitar strumming ♪

- Ah, the G major chord. You just can't beat it, can you?

[phone rings]

Hello? Koala Hotline.

- [deep, distorted voice] Hello, Koala Man.

We've been watching you.

And you've impressed us.

Which is why we've decided to formally invite you

to join The Uncommonwealth.

Danger is coming, and we--

- Bloody telemarketers! On the weekend too!

♪ Koala Man ♪

♪ Hero for all ♪

♪ The Daptonians... ♪

♪ fanfare playing ♪

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