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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,280
Good morning. Now, it's How To Start
Your Day The Stephen Carmichael Way.
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00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,360
Hey y'all. Now that my undereye has
been hydrated, we're going to step
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00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:11,080
into the bathroom for a little bit
of a spritz.
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00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:12,640
Follow me!
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00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,800
Aaah! Oh, my God!
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00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,080
Mate, have you got any
rough loo roll?
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00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:19,880
This crushed velvet won't
cut the mustard!
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00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,240
That was a live stream!
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00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:22,680
Yeah, and so's this! Oh!
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00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:24,800
That Nutella punched through me
like Tyson Fury.
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00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,680
What Nutella?
The one in the fridge.
12
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:29,600
That was my coffee
and cacao Peruvian face mask!
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00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,200
Oh, you're joking.
I put it on me toast.
14
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,560
Am I going to die?
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00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,160
Well, you drink, you smoke and
you eat Rustlers for breakfast,
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00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:37,480
so it's a yes from me.
17
00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:39,600
Is there any wonder your girlfriend
kicked you out?
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00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,720
Newsflash - women can be
unreasonable.
19
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,560
Er, newsflash, she went on a hen,
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00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,880
and you turned your basement
into a betting shop?
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00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,960
It was a casino.
I was wearing a bow tie.
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00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,480
Eww!
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00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:52,760
Oh, listen, I don't mind if you stay
here until she takes you back,
24
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,840
but you have to do a wash!
25
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,720
It's like Sports Direct's
crawled in here to die.
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00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,120
Listen, I don't...
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00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:01,760
HE COUGHS
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00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,800
Look, I don't think Katie's
going to take me back.
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00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,640
She's dropping the rest of my stuff
off to Abbey Grove this afternoon,
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00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,320
so I guess I've got to make the best
of a bad situation.
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00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,520
Well, I say this with love, but, um,
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00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,360
you can't stay here forever.
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00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,680
You won't be saying that
when you see my foosball table,
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00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,800
or my gaming chairs,
oh, and my three-piece suite.
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00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,120
Got my boxing bag.
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00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,040
I've got a ton of stolen
pint glasses.
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00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:24,520
Oh, and I've got me lathe and all me
tools to do the renovations.
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00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,160
Renovations? Yeah, well, I think
I'm going to have to knock a wall
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00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,480
through in your closet to make
space for the nursery,
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00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,040
cos obviously I'm going to have the
kid on the weekend, ain't I?
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00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,920
Oh, my God...
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00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:35,200
I feel faint!
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There should be water in the drinks
holders.
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00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,200
I think I selected no conversation
this morning...
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00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,400
Mum. Maybe you should take a leaf
out of Mitchell's book.
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00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,080
Cos he's thinking about other people
rather than himself.
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00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,720
Mum, I saw him picking his nose with
a butter knife this morning.
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00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,160
Eww! You're a child!
49
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,600
Well, at least my mum ain't still
driving her kids to school.
50
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,920
Yeah. She'd need a Megabus for all
of her children.
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00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,080
Ironically, where most of them
were conceived.
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00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,600
Excuse me - I was conceived in a
Wetherspoon's bog.
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00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,160
1995 Coca-Cola Cup Final.
54
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,440
Me mum got a bit excited
when Jamie Redknapp bent over
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00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:04,880
to take a free kick.
56
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,200
Yeah, my dad took his opportunity.
Oh...
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00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:11,000
Jamie Redknapp - he has aged
like a fine wine!
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00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:15,520
Mum... Jamie Redknapp's such
a basic white woman crush.
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00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:16,960
Just drive.
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00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,920
Oh, how's the nursing, Miss C?
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00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:23,520
I mean, fairly quiet.
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00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,200
There were only the eight deaths
on A&E last night.
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00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,240
Oh, Mum.
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00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,880
After that sort of major trauma,
you need some retail therapy.
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00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,000
That's so thoughtful.
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00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,600
Oh, I know. I thought you could
restock my fridge. Ugh...
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00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,560
Look, well, I'd do it myself
but we're marking up
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00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:39,800
mock exams this week.
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00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,960
The mocks? I thought that was
last week. Um...
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00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,480
I saw you just now with Blessing.
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00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,000
What piece of stolen trash was that?
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00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,160
A DVD of every time you forgot
your lines in school plays, ha-ha!
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00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:51,680
Now, be good and listen to the
teachers.
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00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,360
Er, Mum, we ARE the teachers.
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00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:55,760
Yeah, but, you know,
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00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,000
proper teachers.
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00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:58,960
See you later, Miss C.
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00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,520
Seriously, mate, the fact that
I'm going to be living with you
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00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,080
is the only thing getting me
through this. Cheers.
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00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,360
I invested in you like crypto
81
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,200
But I think it's time to trade
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00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,200
I want to throw your stuff
out the window
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00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,880
So I'mma wait until it rains
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00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,480
And don't you try come over, cos
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00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,800
You'll find out the locks
have changed
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00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:57,040
I don't want your flowers
or apologies
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00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,400
It don't even matter
if you're on your knees...
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00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,960
Yo, I heard some proper drama
on the bus this morning.
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00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,320
I was about to put it on my Insta
but then I was like, hold on,
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00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,640
nah, wait, Warren can print it
in his paper.
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00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,840
Sure, let me have a look.
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00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,040
Why you care about Warren's
dry newspaper?
93
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,360
Um, the Abbey Grove Guardian
isn't dry.
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00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,520
To be fair,
it's deader than Inchez's fade.
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00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,640
Suck your mum! My lid is so fresh!
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00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,280
Your lid's so dead,
it had a candlelit vigil.
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00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:23,520
THEY LAUGH
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00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,960
Er, Warren. You've crossed
everything out!
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00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,280
I can't publish an article alleging
that Melody Pym has three hands.
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00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,840
Stacey Barron found two pairs
of gloves in her locker,
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00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,280
but one was missing.
I'm giving you facts, bruv!
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Whoa!
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00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,320
There's the truth, the truth-truth,
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00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,200
then the truth like Kylie Jenner
self-made billionaire type of truth.
105
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,240
Do you know what I mean? No.
Please, Warren!
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00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,360
I just found out that Wordle doesn't
count as English coursework!
107
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,000
You've got to publish something by
Monday, or else I'mma fail.
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00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,880
I have to maintain my editorial
standards or I could fail.
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Standards! You posted Jinx's article
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on the resurgence of pubic hair!
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It was long and knotty but,
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00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,680
boy, did I help her to prune it
back.
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Let's make a bet.
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00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,440
I bet you by the end of today,
I can write a story that makes
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00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,520
everyone want to read your paper.
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00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:10,000
OK, if it passes a basic fact check
and if you win, then...
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I become editor.
COLLECTIVE GASPS
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00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,360
And if I win, then I gain sole
custody of your Instagram page
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00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,480
for one weekend...
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00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:21,680
..in which I will post my unfiltered
hot takes on trains,
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00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,320
the bassoon and the scandalous
amount of mould
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00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,120
at the chess club.
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Eww.
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Deal.
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00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,920
Mitchell has to go - out of my flat,
out of my life, for good!
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00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,920
Ooh, we can start a petition
to have Mitchell moved out,
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although my change.org has been
shadow bound for too much activity.
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Ah, ah, ah.
We don't have time for that.
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00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,280
His girlfriend's coming this
afternoon to end it with him!
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00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,160
His missus ain't never going to
take him back.
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00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,520
He's like if the Lidl central aisle
made human beings.
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00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:53,040
At least he's happy. You know, it's
what's on the inside that counts.
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00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,160
Er... Bullshit!
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00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,800
Have I taught you nothing?!
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00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,480
It doesn't matter what's on the
inside if the outside looks great.
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00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,320
Well, can't you give him a glow-up,
sir? Ah...
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00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,720
I wouldn't know where to start.
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00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:05,640
It's his hair, his dress sense,
his clothes, what he eats...
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00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,800
It's more than a one-man job.
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00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,000
It's a five-man job.
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00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,840
Sir, we need to Fab Five him!
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Yes!
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00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:18,000
It'd be like if Queer Eye Fab Fived
a bootcut Danny Dyer.
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00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,400
Five what now?
145
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,200
Five queens changing
the lives of ordinary people.
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00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,840
They're dirty, they're grubby
and they need help.
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00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,200
That could work.
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00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,800
Let's hope so because face masks
are very expensive.
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00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,160
Go!
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00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,320
BALLOONS POP
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00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,680
INDISTINCT CHEERS
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00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:49,560
WebMD says that no-one gets
policeman's ear
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00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:50,880
before the age of 50.
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Old bones, I suppose.
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00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,760
Well, I guess you'd better sit
this one out, chief.
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00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,480
Give us that here.
157
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,720
Tyler, you're up!
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BALLOONS CONTINUE POPPING
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00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:03,360
Stick that on.
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00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,480
Sir, I led a protest at my local
McDonald's against the appropriation
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00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,080
of indigenous Scottish names and now
I have shooting pains in my arm.
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00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,040
I'm scared it's placard elbow.
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00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,800
Jesus. You're like if Jameela
Jamil's Twitter come to life.
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00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,200
Oh, thank you.
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00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,680
Good luck! No, sir... Um...
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00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,520
Harrison! Stick that in your locker,
son!
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00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,360
Yes, sir!
168
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,160
Oh!
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00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,520
Mitchell!
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00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,240
WHISTLE
Hold it there!
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00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,560
Hope I'm not interrupting
anything important.
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00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,560
Of course not, it's PE.
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00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,840
Here, got us an 'ouse-warming
present. Ooh!
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00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,320
It's a PS5. I got it from this bloke
down the docks.
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00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,240
I think it fell off the back of a...
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00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:40,920
..boat. OK, cute.
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00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:44,960
Well, um, you can keep
whatever a PS5 is.
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00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,760
We are going to Fab Five you
so you can win your girl back.
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00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,960
You don't need to grow up,
you need to glow up.
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00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,600
You should totally do it, sir.
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00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,360
She'll take you back for sure.
Mm-hm.
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00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,160
I'm glad we kept my private life
between us and the entire school.
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00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,880
Um, I told them
because we care about you!
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00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,800
We want to help you...
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00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,440
..change.
186
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,480
Fine. I'll do it.
187
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,120
Yeah!
188
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,360
Come on! Yeah!
189
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,560
MUSIC: Tight Nooki
by Stefflon Don ft. Jeremih
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00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:24,560
This glow-up is about upgrading your
lifestyle from flab to fab,
191
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,640
from the estate to great.
192
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,120
From bellend to legend.
Oi-oi!
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00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,680
Ha-ha! Too much.
194
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,240
We'll be judging your wardrobe,
your skincare regime
195
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,560
and your sense of self-worth.
196
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,760
But our first expert refused to
let us use his kitchen
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00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,840
unless we agreed to involve him.
198
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,320
He's giving less midtown chic
and more midlife crisis.
199
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,520
It's Fraser!
THEY WHOOP
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00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:52,160
You know, people say cooking is all
souffles, flambees and pasa dobles.
201
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,760
That's a load of Buble.
202
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,440
I've got recipes to suit all
levels of expertise,
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00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,080
from the gourmand, to the gormless.
204
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:01,080
Well, good, cos this whole break-up
happened over a meal I cooked her.
205
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,560
I'm all orecchiette.
206
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,560
I done her chicken the way
she likes her steak.
207
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,880
Oh what, with curly fries?
Nah, medium rare.
208
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,000
She got sick as a dog and she did
not like me calling her Chunderella.
209
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,600
Trust kind of broke down after that.
210
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:13,680
Does your much-better half
like to travel?
211
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,520
Oh, yeah, yeah. She's been
to Lanzarote and Ibiza.
212
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,640
One day, I'd love to take her
to Spain.
213
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,880
How about some pan-Asian cuisine?
214
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,560
Step one - hit the ignition.
215
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,880
Step two...
216
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,720
Did I mention this is
a Brooklyn Beckham recipe?
217
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:44,920
Work.
218
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,360
Now let's upgrade this from home
cooked meal to restaurant quality.
219
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,920
That does work a lot better
with salt.
220
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,240
Don't worry,
Mum's doing delicates tonight.
221
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,920
Sir, you might have to buy her
dinner in a restaurant.
222
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,160
Oooh! I can take her for
surf and turf down me local.
223
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,360
Steak and lobster?
Bacon fries and scampi fries.
224
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,360
Ah, I've got chilli in my eye!
225
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,960
Oh, I bet Pavel and Edna
are going to love this.
226
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,000
This will end up on
the blooper reel.
227
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,560
Ow, ah!
228
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,200
A medic, I need a medic!
229
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,840
Ow! What was that?!
230
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,240
Aah! Somebody get the school nurse!
231
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,600
Please? Ah...
232
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,640
Fine. I'll go.
233
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:25,960
MUSIC: Yucky Blucky Fruitcake
by Doechii
234
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,040
OK. Quickly bring them in.
235
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,760
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
236
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,320
So, I'll be the gorge Tan France,
237
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,960
and you will all be clothes rails.
238
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,520
Ah!
239
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,160
What do you think?
240
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,520
I... I look... I look like...
241
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,840
..you.
242
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,400
I mean, no offence, but it does make
me look a little bit like...
243
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,720
Ah! Tread carefully, hon.
244
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:06,840
Like a fella that might put a little
bit of mint on his peas.
245
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,080
Who do you want to look like?
246
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,200
Well, the missus loves Paul Pogba.
247
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,080
I could do you Paul Potts.
248
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,520
Ooh, I like the shirt
Warren's wearing.
249
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,840
That's the school uniform!
250
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,400
Let me work my magic.
I'll be back.
251
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,760
I'm going to write about this
in the paper.
252
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,160
This is abuse!
These clothes are so claps!
253
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,440
They're burning my skin!
254
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,080
Can't wait to fact-check this.
255
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,640
Oi! I was just outside
Hoburn's office
256
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,960
and I saw her taking in
all these boxes.
257
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,920
They all had this sign on them.
258
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,560
The Illuminati! Ah!
I'm too bored by this to even die.
259
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,720
Sis! Do you not know Beyonce
and Jay-Z are in the Illuminati?
260
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,320
It's a secret society.
261
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,680
Wait, are you trying to say
that Hoburn hangs with celebs?
262
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,880
I'm confused. There could be
anything in them boxes.
263
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:56,120
Hoburn is really some low-level
lizard posing as a headmistress
264
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,200
until they collapse a skyscraper
or something!
265
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,480
Can I quote you on that?
266
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,120
Ooh, do you want to be
my Deep Throat?
267
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,120
Not if I get there first.
Also gross, Warren!
268
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,800
You claim to be a journalist, yet
you've never heard of Watergate.
269
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,000
It's on the Northern Line,
I ain't dumb.
270
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,720
And you're going down harder
than the GC on ice skates!
271
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,880
Ooh! Found 'em!
272
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,400
Oh, I knew I had them somewhere!
273
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,080
What are you doing?!
274
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,600
What? No, I like it. I just thought
it would be a bit more me
275
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,480
without the whatsits, the tagnuts.
276
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,000
We don't want you -
you are the problem!
277
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,560
You dress like you're defending
a statue of Winston Churchill!
278
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,760
OK...
279
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,640
Come on. Hair and make-up.
280
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,640
What do you want us
to do with these?
281
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,640
Oh, um, take them to the
dry cleaner's.
282
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,080
Seriously? No.
283
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,280
He was in earshot.
284
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,360
Everything he's worn - burn.
285
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,320
And when we're finished
with the toilet, we...?
286
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,920
We...
287
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,640
Ff... Ffffff...
288
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,480
Flush! ..lush!
BOTH: Flush!
289
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,120
Flush, I said flush! You flush!
Sir, I'd quit while you're ahead.
290
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,840
Jinx, I thought you was going to
pimp my gym
291
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,040
and do some interior design.
Sick.
292
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:19,040
You could do a date in there
like Drake in Dodger Stadium!
293
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,040
Yes!
294
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,280
On our budget, we're putting down
some mousetraps!
295
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:24,520
KNOCK AT DOOR
296
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,120
This is a random drugs test! Shit!
297
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,560
I'm going to give you five seconds
to finish dropping trou,
298
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,080
then I'm coming in.
299
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:33,000
Five Mississippi,
four Mississippi,
300
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,280
three Mississippi,
two Mississippi,
301
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,880
one...!
302
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,440
Harper.
303
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,200
What is that jacket?
304
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,400
Er, I'm undercover, Miss.
305
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,000
Yeah, I heard some kids were selling
doobies in the toilets
306
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,280
so I disguised myself
307
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,840
as a...kinky hippy.
308
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,760
What's this I hear about you
and Carmichael living together?
309
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,960
I mean, if it's a Phillip Schofield
situation, then I am legally obliged
310
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,600
to say that I support you.
311
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,240
Oh, no, it's nothing like that,
Miss.
312
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,240
And even if it was,
I have got standards.
313
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,480
Yes, yes.
314
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,160
Well, absolutely, the engorged ego,
the endless histrionics.
315
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,960
Don't you wish he had a mute button?
316
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,600
She will get...
ALL: Sh!
317
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,200
Yeah, but, I mean, even if he did,
318
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,120
I reckon we'd still be able
to hear him. Hmm.
319
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:21,960
So you're no longer living with
your common-law trouble and strife?
320
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,000
No. No, no, no.
Me missus kicked me out.
321
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,320
Ah, yes.
322
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:29,200
I mean, some women just can't handle
a live grenade, can they?
323
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,800
While others just want to...
pull out the pin with their teeth
324
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,640
and throw themselves on top of it.
325
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,440
She's gone.
326
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,680
Cheeky slag.
327
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,440
Oi, I think she was chirpsing Sir.
328
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,640
Don't be a tit.
Right, come on, you lot!
329
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,560
Me missus will be
here in a couple of hours!
330
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,200
OK - up next, we're going to break
you down and build you back up.
331
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,400
It's Karamo time!
Yeah!
332
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:04,120
Karamo is a man,
not a fighting style.
333
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,040
Oh.
334
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,920
Need a shower.
335
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:39,640
This is Warren Griffiths, reporting
for the Abbey Grove Guardian.
336
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,800
I have penetrated into Miss
Hoburn's inner sanctum.
337
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:47,840
That sounded less sexual in my head
but I think it's the nerves...
338
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,040
Yah! Warren!
339
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,720
HE GASPS
340
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,920
Usma, you look just like
Miss Hoburn!
341
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,480
That is an exceptional costume!
342
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,080
Thanks!
343
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,840
Were you hiding in the mailbox?
344
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,440
Yeah.
I was sweating profusely.
345
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,320
Most of those letters will be
illegible now.
346
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,360
Well, you beat me to it.
347
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,440
You was right.
I'm no good at this.
348
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,640
Do you swear you won't post any
photos of your nipples on my Insta?
349
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,840
Wait... We're both here now so maybe
we could just work on this together?
350
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,880
Seriously? I'm so up for it!
351
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,760
I'm ready to hack some phones
and rip up some binbags!
352
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,040
Or we could just open up
these boxes?
353
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,680
Visualise your father.
354
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,200
Hold him...
355
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,000
..and fire!
356
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:42,560
Di-i-i-i-ie!
PUPILS SCREAM
357
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,320
Wow.
358
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,720
Impressive.
359
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,840
Impressive? I think you're being
a little bit kind to yourself.
360
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,360
Isn't that the whole point?
361
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,760
Where's the rage?
What'd you mean? I love my dad.
362
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,920
Oh... I give up!
You're impossible to reach!
363
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,720
You want to try digging
a little bit deeper!
364
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,560
What? Are you saying I'm not
taking this seriously?
365
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,720
When you're the one drawing up
little schemes with Blessing?
366
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,560
It's not like that, all right?
I'm sorry.
367
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,120
But change takes patience,
humility,
368
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:09,320
and the willingness to sit
and listen, hmm?
369
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,440
And I don't possess any
of those things.
370
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,560
Right, what else does this
Karamo geezer do?
371
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,320
Um, trust exercises,
like escape rooms,
372
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,520
abseiling, archery...
373
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,880
Sir, sir! Hoburn writes
50 Shades shit, man!
374
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,320
Hoburn writes smut! Smut!
And it's all about you, Sir!
375
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,640
You what? The Illuminati triangle
was upside down.
376
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,800
It's not the Illuminati. It's...
377
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,000
..it's a lady's, um...
378
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,280
..promise.
You can say vagina, Warren.
379
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,280
Ohhh! Miss writes kinky novels
under the name...
380
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,400
Scarlett McCrimson!
381
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,040
My mum reads those!
382
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,880
She ain't flicking pages, bro!
383
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:46,920
THEY SNICKER
384
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,560
"His pert mouth hung open.
385
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:55,120
"His hand pulled idly at the beast
sleeping in his tracksuit bottoms.
386
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:59,200
"Staying by, oh, so many brutish
couplings,
387
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,040
"on the lip of the Billericay
swamp..."
388
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,800
Mm-mm...
389
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,000
"When he asked for a job,
I knew it was wrong,
390
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,760
"but I gave him one anyway!"
391
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,000
Stuff of nightmares.
392
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,640
That could be about anyone.
393
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,960
The guy's called Hitchell Marper.
There you go, see?
394
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,760
It's about this geezer called
Hitchell.
395
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,080
Oh, shit!
396
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,320
Miss Hoburn's fetishising you, Sir!
397
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,160
I find that heart-breaking!
398
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,720
She clearly doesn't value herself.
399
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,400
Don't give up on me now, mate,
please!
400
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,760
There ain't no more fish in the sea.
401
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,000
It's just a great white shark
who's hungry for me blood!
402
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,680
Sir, I think this is a Kylie Jenner
self-made billionaire moment.
403
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,440
Mm-hm. It's time to print
the legend, not the truth.
404
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:43,000
Warren, you odd little man.
405
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,360
We need to create our own Hitchell
Marper to seduce your missus,
406
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,840
then you can change, or not,
on your own time.
407
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,400
That's appalling life advice.
408
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:55,000
Sir, are you seriously prepared to
con the mother of your child?
409
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,520
Does Paddington have a furry arse?
410
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:06,520
We open on Mitchell sat at his desk,
reading.
411
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,160
His boo enters.
412
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,440
He stands,
his voice trembling with emotion.
413
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,960
"Don't go, babes.
414
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,400
"I loves you, Keeley."
Kayleigh.
415
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:20,000
Kayleigh simply stubs out her
cigarette,
416
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,240
lights up another one
and shakes her head.
417
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,040
She don't even smoke!
Sh! Sit down!
418
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,440
Then Warren enters on crutches!
It's polio!
419
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,760
Er, sir, as an athlete's foot
survivor,
420
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,920
I don't want to minimise any
kind of podiatry trauma.
421
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:39,360
Oh, please! Audiences love pitying
old timely diseases,
422
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,880
but we don't have
time for a leprosy arc.
423
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,640
Warren will say that he's been
teased about his polio.
424
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,960
And then Mr Mitchell can tell
Warren that he's beautiful
425
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,200
just the way he is.
And Kelly will love it!
426
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,880
Up next, Usma with a fake
pregnancy bump!
427
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,640
She'll say she's worried she's going
to be rejected by her family.
428
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,280
And Mr Harper tells me you're
all my chosen family
429
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,960
who love and accept me.
430
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,440
What would my character have
in his pocket?
431
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,000
A pet mouse.
432
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,880
Oooh!
And a hot pie.
433
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,200
You don't need to go that far, mate!
You can just pretend.
434
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,800
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
435
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,960
Next up, Jinx, tourniquet,
get it round your arm!
436
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,040
You're a junkie kid with a twist!
You love to tap!
437
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,720
Woo!
438
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,280
Uh-uh.
439
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,320
Yeah!
No! This is too much!
440
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,880
Er, this is improv, Mitchell!
Don't say no!
441
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,440
Say "yes, and..." Right, she's going
to be here in half an hour.
442
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,280
I do not need hot pies
and save the last smackheads.
443
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,040
You don't know what you need.
444
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,880
Yes, I do. You don't even know her.
445
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,440
You can't even remember her name!
Look, I can handle this.
446
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,080
Er, don't you dare!
447
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,600
If you try to win her back, you're
going to screw this up for me.
448
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,280
For you?! This is my life!
449
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,280
It's my flat!
Oh.
450
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,080
So that's what this is all about.
451
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,160
The little prince wants
his castle back.
452
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,880
You don't care about me.
453
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,280
You just want me gone.
454
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,120
I thought we were mates.
455
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,040
Blessing, go after him, stall him.
456
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,320
Buy me some time and don't let him
do anything stupid.
457
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,920
What are you going do, Sir?
458
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,600
The show must go on.
459
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:15,120
MUSIC: Cardboard Box
by FLO
460
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,480
Nice.
Classy is my middle name.
461
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,760
Your middle name's Carlsberg. Yeah,
that's only cos my dad lost a bet.
462
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,680
My little sister Stella got
away with it,
463
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,600
unlike my poor brother, Boddington.
464
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:35,000
Right, you go and keep a lookout
and let me know when you see her.
465
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,720
Oh, silly me.
466
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,280
She's here! Right,
go and make yourself scarce,
467
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,960
cos whatever way this goes down,
it's going to get inappropriate.
468
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,880
Good luck, Sir. Cheers.
469
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,400
MUSIC: Afraid To Feel
by LF System
470
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,720
OK, starters - everybody out!
Come on, now!
471
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,080
You two stay there!
Come on, quick! Hurry up!
472
00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:07,720
Sir!
473
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,560
What are you doing? Er...
474
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,400
I'm going to be on prompt in case
anybody forgets their lines!
475
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,920
Duh!
476
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,400
Bloody heck!
477
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:17,920
Ugh...
478
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,560
Can't lie.
479
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:25,040
This don't look
like Dodger Stadium, fam!
480
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,640
CHAIR SCRAPES
481
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,840
Well, this is me.
482
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,560
My gym.
483
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:36,960
My kingdom.
484
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,880
Can I interest you
in a refreshing...
485
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,280
..can of lager?
486
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,480
I'm driving!
487
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,760
Oh, yeah, of course, sorry.
488
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,360
Can you smell mayonnaise?
489
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,320
That might be my new face cream.
490
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:52,800
That's the new me.
491
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,080
I've been broadening my mind
and shit. Yeah?
492
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,360
Mm. I've been thinking about how we
can rebuild trust.
493
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,360
Well, I'm glad you're being mature
for once.
494
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,640
What you thinking, therapy?
Escape room.
495
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,360
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
496
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,080
HE CHOKES
497
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,480
What you doing?
I'm doing Karamo.
498
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,600
Right, we're locked in here,
and me and you,
499
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,440
we have to find out how to
get out together.
500
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,720
I left the baby
sleeping in the car, you idiot!
501
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,960
Oh, shit...
502
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,760
Oh, no...
503
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,520
Uh! How am I going to get this key
outta me?
504
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,680
Ooh, I could cook us some more of
that chicken.
505
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,000
I think that's too soon, don't you?
Yeah, you're right.
506
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,640
Bit raw.
I'm sorry, I didn't...
507
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,040
Right...
508
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,560
All right, I'll pick the lock.
509
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:37,840
That is why I love you.
510
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,840
Yes, but I don't want to be doing
this shit any more!
511
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,320
Are you coming or what?
512
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,280
No, go on. You crack on.
I'll be there in a sec.
513
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,480
You are joking?
514
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,200
Unbelievable.
515
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,080
Wait, Kayleigh! I'm sorry!
516
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,640
COUGHING
517
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,520
Warren?
518
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,560
What you doing?
Who's Warren?
519
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,080
I'm wee Sol.
520
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,480
I'm the vicar's bastard
with my kinky legs.
521
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,120
My father sent me down with
a wicker basket on the river!
522
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:12,000
Oh, the trauma! I still have
nightmares of the river!
523
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,840
The swish and the swoosh!
The swish and the swoosh!
524
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,720
Um, sir?
525
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,040
What do I do about this?
526
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,200
Get rid of it? Abort! Abort!
527
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,560
Ooh, I'd sell me soul for a hot pie.
528
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,400
Warren, go away!
529
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,920
Mitchell, no!
530
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,080
Yes! Shut up and get back
in the closet!
531
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,680
You all right, babe?
532
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,800
Been there long?
Let's see.
533
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,760
I saw you kick the crutches
out from under him.
534
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,760
I heard you tell that poor girl
to abort her baby,
535
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,200
and since when have you been
a massive homophobe?
536
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,040
Look, it's not like that.
537
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:46,760
LOCKER CLATTERS
538
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,960
Can I have some money for drugs
please, Sir?
539
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,960
I'll dance for you.
Oh...
540
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,280
Listen, don't run after me, yeah?
We're done.
541
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:56,920
No, babe, babe!
542
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,560
Shit!
543
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,360
MUSIC: Headie One, by Princess Cuts
Ft. Young T & Bugsey
544
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,800
CAR LOCK SYSTEM BEEPS
545
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,760
Hey, Kayleigh!
546
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,560
This was all my fault.
547
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,720
I stuck Warren on crutches and
I put a baby in Usma.
548
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,440
Ooh, not like that, eww.
Eww...
549
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,080
Stephen, just stop!
550
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,680
This is all my fault.
551
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,760
It always is.
You should take him back.
552
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,040
Can't lie,
Mitchell Harper's a good guy.
553
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:32,120
Yeah. Today Sir gave me loads of
vintage sportswear, for no reason.
554
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:33,800
It don't fit no more.
555
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,160
Put on a bit of weight since
I was 16. I mean, who hasn't?
556
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:39,680
I haven't. Mr Harper lets me
skip PE without a doctor's note.
557
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,440
And he got me this sick fake ID.
558
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:42,640
Well, I...
559
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,880
He makes me breakfast every day.
Right, come on, you lot.
560
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,120
Ain't you got somewhere to be?
Nah, I want to tell them.
561
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,040
My mum's holding down two jobs
562
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,360
and there's still not always
food in the fridge.
563
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:54,200
Sir saw what was going on but
he didn't make a big deal out of it.
564
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,240
He just started bringing me
breakfast every day.
565
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:57,880
I had no idea you were doing that.
566
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,120
I only get her breakfast because
she's a right crack-on
567
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,040
when she's hungry. Stop!
568
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,080
Listen to what they're saying!
569
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,640
You've got this fixed idea
of who you are -
570
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:08,200
Mitchell Harper,
571
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,320
melt.
572
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,120
You even freaked out when I said I
wanted to work on our relationship.
573
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,480
Cos you just... You always write
yourself off
574
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,720
when you're a good guy, OK?
And you're a good dad,
575
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,960
and...you're a good...teacher.
576
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,920
And you're kind,
577
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:29,560
and that is what I love about you.
578
00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:35,120
Go on, then!
579
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,800
Hey, hey!
580
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,080
I love you too!
581
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,720
Wow!
582
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,200
I did all of this!
583
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,520
I have a gift!
584
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,520
Come on, you lot! Get in here!
585
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,800
And you're welcome round my place
as long as you like.
586
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,160
Any time. Oh, cheers, mate.
587
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,400
EXPLOSION
588
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:56,880
Oh, shit...
FIRE ALARM BLARES
589
00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:00,000
..must have burnt the Pot Noodle!
Mitchell!
590
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,560
Mr Harper,
give me one good reason
591
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,560
why I shouldn't make your life
very difficult.
592
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,640
Cos we know who you are,
Scarlett McCrimson.
593
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:10,360
Yeah, busted!
594
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:11,880
You fancy Sir, innit?
595
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,320
Mr Harper? Me?
Oh, no, no, no.
596
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:15,920
Why not? What's wrong with him?
597
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,920
Oh, nothing. No, a sizeable
demographic pay good money
598
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:22,960
to read about rough-hewn working
men, Giuseppe Publico.
599
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:24,680
I simply saw a gap in the market.
600
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,560
So you was just pimping him out
in book form
601
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,760
for like Inchez's mum?
602
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,120
Oi!
603
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,080
And what were you going to
do when I found out?
604
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:34,800
Honestly, I assumed
605
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,440
you couldn't read.
606
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,080
So how about this?
607
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,280
We won't publish our story in
the school newspaper...
608
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:41,720
Or press charges.
609
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,400
And you walk away!
610
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:52,040
Go on! Walk away!
611
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:53,280
Bye-bye!
612
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,040
Period! Ha-ha!
613
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:56,520
Oh, my God.
614
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,440
That was amazing.
615
00:27:58,440 --> 00:27:59,800
SHE CHUCKLES
616
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:01,880
Shame about the coursework,
though, innit?
617
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,480
Hey, wait, no.
618
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,240
We're pulling an all-nighter.
619
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,040
We'll come up with something
for the paper.
620
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:09,560
I've got a Thermos of hot Bovril
with your name on it.
621
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,960
Let's do it!
622
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:14,640
Yoo-hoo! Hello, darling.
623
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,480
I hope you're peckish.
624
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,280
Oh, not tonight, Mum.
It's all taken care of.
625
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,840
My treat.
DOORBELL RINGS
626
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,160
Hope you're hungry!
627
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:24,960
Oh... Oi-oi!
628
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,440
Hi!
629
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,240
Look, our boiler's broke and
you did say we could stay any time.
630
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,720
All right if we crash for a week?
His nappy needs changing.
631
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,440
BABY WAILS
632
00:28:33,490 --> 00:28:38,040
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